Im so....- Brianna

Im so... desperate right now. -_-
I totally hate this feelings man.
And especially over this break ive realized how badly i need someone to take up my time.
I mean think about it. My best friends are: Isaac, Oscar, Haley, Lexi, Nilsa, and Cesi.
Isaac: dating a junior
Oscar: Busy writing and basically has a line of girls waiting for him.
Haley: dating CJ
Lexi: Basically dating Garza.
Nilsa: Has loooads of time with friends
Cesi: dating a junior.
everyone at my school is dating someon and its so blahhh.
I feel sooo desperate. Dude like i havent wanted a boyfriend this bad in suuch a long time -.- I hate this feeling.
makes me feel so needy and lame.
But i guess everyone feels like this at least once in their life.
What sucks though? I wouldnt date anyone in the freshman class i haate the sophomores, dont talk to many juniors, and the only senior i know, and would date, is going after a freshman... that i dont like much. I am NOT resorting to online dating. Everyone knows what thats done to my sister and i am not resorting to that. And on top of that, my friends trying to hook me up with a 21 year old!! like iwould actually date someone that much older than me. as a freshmen i wouldnt date anyone older than a senior, or younger than a freshman. And im soooo picky D: with everything! I hate it i mean i understand standards but i take that to extreme! or maybe the boys these days are just plain stupid. Like Oscar wouldnt date him because hes, in all honesty, a douche. Very cocky. hes my best friend and i love the boy, but just not my type. So now that ive ranted on and on about how badly i want a boyfriend, its time to get my sorry ass off this chair, and go out with my grandparents. Im dying my hair again, rederr (: Maybe itll help me with my little problem here.

... - Lauren

I miss being Happy.

Sister and boys- Brianna

Oscar: Oh lord. My best friend. The best friend anyone could ask for. Hes always there for me, i could text him at four in the morning and hed reply asap. i could tell him i was lonely and hed call me and make me smile. Hes so..perfect. Dude im slowly falling for this boy. i dont want to. Best friends going out NEVER works. Perfect example: Martin. I dont want what happened with him to happen to Oscar, ever. i want Oscar in my life forever. No joke. best friend, boyfriend, husband, and i dont care. Hes the only one that can make me laugh when im sad or mad, hes the only one that i tell everything to. If he leaves,who do i turn to? I know that i have lexi and nilsa, but theyre so far away and its hard for us to make plans. me and Oscar are like "lets chill" "when ans where" its that easy for us. Thats the main reason i count on him the most. I loove him to death. Ugh it drives me insane how perfect we are for each other! like on our date?! He was a toootal gentleman! Opened doors, let me in/out first, walked on the correct side of me *yes theres a correct side to stand on* he walked me to the door, said hello to my family, kissed me goodbye, and to this day *almost a week later* he doesnt stop telling me how pretty i looked or how it was one of his favorite memories of 2010. we have the same taste in most music, style of clothes the opposite sex should wear, life, how to act, how a guy should treat a guy, how a girl should treat a guy, difference between lady and a girl, difference between a boy and a man, and we both agree that we would be really cute together. why arent we? ask him. I dont ask guys out. We call each other baby and babe occasionally, weve gone out on a date, talking about a second one, he showers me with compliments, tells me he loves me, and that im a great person, and blah blah blah, wheres the "brianna, will you go out with me?" where?! I hate to say it, but im waiting for it. I dont want to. At all. i want to go back to being just best friends. no feelings towards him.He told me he thinks he treats me like a girlfriend. I dont disagree, but i dont think its so wrong either. We're best friends you know? And hes a guy and im a girl, of course were gonna treat each other like a couple, its how it works sometimes. most of the times. and aside from that its normal for people to think we should go out, they think theres something there when really were just best friends.
Man, I dont even know whats going on in my life. Like life is sooo complicated. It's hard to see wahts really important whats not. So I think this blog post is gonna be reaaaalllllyyy long. and im just gonna go on and on about whats going on in my head, whats going on at school, home, ect.
So im in desperate need of a sister. A real sister. Like one that cares about me. and who'll listen to me, and talk to me, and *this might sound soo lame but* play with me. you know, joke with me, hang out, be my best friend. I dont have that. I dont even really consider her a sister. shes just related to me. Thats all. No "oh yeah this is my big amazing awesome sister" No, "Yeah we're related." thats it. Last night i told her i needed to talk to her about some important things and she replied "Well hurry cause im about to go play Fable" so i told her id talk to her tomorrow. I didnt. she hasnt asked. Honestly, i know she could care less. My mom thinks shes on drugs.. am i surprised? No. I do too. I found birth control in her wallet today.. again, am i surprised? Not at all. Disappointed? a bit more than slightly. Its whatever. I dont wanna jump to cunclussions... except whenever ANYONE finds birth control, first thoughts? yeah i thought so. and i mean i know that it helps make your period more chilled, but knowing my sister, she could care less about a chilled period.
My moms been pissing me off lately. Like i was suppsoed to get the new ipod touch for Christmas if i had 50 dollars. guess who got 80? Well she told me that the money should go towards something i need instead of something i want. i see her point, but im a kid, money never goes to what i need, and Christmas isnt when you get it if it ever does. If it was my birthday money, id think it over a lot more.
Second thing: My birthday. this year, im gonna be 15. a big deal to mexicans. I dont want a HUUUGE party, but i dont want a typical dinner with the family. Im looking at more of a dinner at Cannoli Joes then an after party at my house. Nothing huge, but its something. Friends and family could all be there, not to expensive, and still loads of fun. Anyways, so my mom hasnt started saving and its like i know we have 10 months, but these things take loads of money, which we seem to have none of. this time last year we had my sisters, we started planning hers before my birthday. My moms not to worried about mine. Not sure if its because she knows i dont want anything to big, or because she knows we cant afford anything to big, or because she could cae less. Doubt its the third one but you never know.
Marcos. Hot senior. Not gonna lie, he is pretty hot. But I dont like him any more. Like i guess it was just a tiny crush. After he told me about the girl he likes, i got over it. I'm glad i did too cause i felt a bit to attached anyways. Althogh ive only known him for like 3 months, ive gone through a lot with him. Surprisingly i have. Ive gone through more with him than with any other boy. Not emotionally but still. I think i changed for him. I mean not all just for him but for the most part. Im a bit disappointed in myself but its to late to take it back, just gotta learn from that mistake. I had fun while it lasted though, i dont really regret much. infact i think its safe to say i dont regret anything ive done with him, or said to him. It was flattering i suppose. I just hope I think the same when he gets around me at school. its easier said than done though.. Oh well whatever.

Disappointed - Lauren

Call me a fool, but I had hoped when I told Montanna to just go without me on the 'adventure' we had been planning today because my dad wanted me home by six (and we wouldn't have enough time if I had to be back), I thought maybe they would show up anyway and make me stop wallowing. Or at least Montanna would text me back after i said that. Guess I was wrong. Funny that. Maybe people really don't care anymore.

Confused. :/ - Lauren

So... He came back last night. And I'm pretty sure I still like him.
Do you know that feeling when you look up to try to look at someone sneakily and you aren't sure if you caught them looking at you or they caught you looking at them? Well it happened a lot. I don't know if he saw me looking and looked, or if I saw him... >///<

I wish I could just be happy about it.
I'm too busy being restricted by my dad to even be happy I like him (or upset I like him, either way I suppose. ><)
I just feel like crap all the time.
I need to get out of here...
Only six more months. Then I can move in with Montanna and deal with her shit.
But I don't have anywhere else to go.

I'm not feeling the christmas spirit so much this year... Which is really sad because I love the holidays. I miss it.
No one seems to care anymore.
I'm tired of fighting everything.

Dude- Brianna

I feel sooo troppy.
Like my head hurts,
everythings annoying me
im a bit out of it,
and i dont even know why.
i think its because im getting sick.
im REALLY hoping its becuase im gettign sick
and not because of last night
nothing bad happened,
bnothing bad at all.
it was really fun actually.
And so i just got an ear ache.
Its deffinetly because im sick
or the naproxen i took.
Perscribed i swear,
lus its just like advil only stronfer.
if anything.
Anywys im going out with oscar tonight so should be fun.
wish me lucj

Melancholy... Part Two - Lauren

Here's part two of my weird mood. I have brother issues. I do. For several different reasons.

ONE. He's kindof a man whore. He flirts and is hit on by every girl (and some guys) in the room, he loves the attention and is always all over them, he has only been broken up with his girlfriend a week and he already has girls lined up doe eyed and pretty begging for his attention. And I loved this girlfriend. She was actually good for him, she made him stop cutting, and his reason for dumping her? She was saying I love you and he wasn't sure he was ready to say it yet, but was anyway, so he couldn't lie anymore, and dumped her. It's Freaking ridiculous. his current main interest (from what we can tell) is a ridiculous girl from scare I can't stand - she's an attention whore and a drama head, and will start shit left and right and I want nothing to do with her.

TWO. He's going down all the wrong paths in his life and people are encouraging him. He's Bi because it's popular and the 'emo' thing to do. He's embracing the sulky dark asshole side of himself that we hate, (He actually refused to do a little favor for dad yesterday because - and I quote - "I'm just an asshole.") and doing things he really shouldn't. I love my brother, but I can't stand him. He won't put his phone down, and when we were putting up the Christmas tree i felt bad that he was all grumpy and wouldn't put his phone down long enough to help me, I told him as such, and he didn't give a shit. I love the holidays, people are happier and nicer, except everyone seems to be going through so much shit this year... I feel like I'm losing my Christmas spirit. Instead of looking at the tree and feeling happy or excited, I look at it and want to cry. I try my damnedest to be there and help people, and keep them happy, and it all seems to amount to nothing. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit about anyone else. It makes me feel like giving up. I don't ask for anything hard, I don't ask to be recognized for all the SHIT I do for my friends and the people I care about, no matter how nice that would be, I don't ask for everyone to love me or to all get along, I just want people to try. Try to be Happy. Try to get along. Try to be decent to each other and (more importantly in a lot of ways) themselves. No one wants to try, and I'm getting seriously tired of pushing.

THREE. I kind of have issues spending time with him, for different reasons than you might think. I go to hang out with my friends, and they always ask where he is, why didn't I bring him, etc. etc. I love that my friends love my brother, but I feel like when he's around... no one even looks twice at me. he's so much more... aggressive in a way with people than i am. he makes people listen to him. I'm quieter. I like people to choose to care about what I say. But the problem is... They don't. I try to participate in a discussion in a group of people and I am always talked over and ignored. No one thinks twice that I might have things to say or that I might want to be heard. but I do. I really do. I feel like my friends would all pick my brother over me in a heartbeat and wouldn't think twice that I might be hurt by it. Plus certain friends are encouraging him down paths I really would like them to NOT encourage him down. giving him a cigarette and then apologizing to me when I couldn't be there anymore and had to wait in the car because "I know where he is in his life and I sympathize" really doesn't cut it. The only way to sympathize with him is to drug him? I don't understand how that is supposed to help him. No one cares how I feel about anything. I hid in the car from the cigarette smoke and the fact that my brother was one of the three producing it, and so they follow me to the car and smoke right next to me. Don't you think there was a reason I was in the car? I wanted away from this shit. I just... I feel like the world around me is going to shit and I don't want to live like this anymore. But I don't have a choice.
I don't know what to do anymore... I need help, but don't know where to look.

Melancholy... Part One - Lauren

I've been in a rather dark mood for the last week or so. I can't seem to get all the way awake or all the way happy. Since last Sunday night when everything blew up with one of my closest friends. Watching a very long term relationship entirely self destruct is really hard when you get to sit in the parking lot waiting for it to happen and completely helpless. I hate being helpless. A lot. I just... I won't go into details for her sake, but it was really bad at the time, she got kicked out of her apartment, and was supposed to move all her shit out and get out, except she's still there now and it's been a week. She keeps up appearances like she hates being there and wants to get out, but I know she doesn't. She hates how he is to her, but I'm pretty sure she thinks she deserves it. She said in the car last night "I think I have no choice, I think I have to hate myself." And that really hurt, I feel like she's slowly imploding and I can't do anything to help her, because she won't let me. I can give her all the fucking advice in the world and she still goes home every night and sleeps in the same bed as this asshole who kicks her out every couple months. I'm really seriously worried about her, she talks constantly about how she is too stressed, and when last night I said she needed to be less stressed she told me the least stressed option was death. I responded with "Not for everyone else." and she told me that it would probably only be like a month before everyone forgot about her. I know for a fact that she is wrong. If I care enough about her to more than likely live with her when I graduate (assuming she doesn't do something really stupid or move to Ireland and refuse to come home) I sure as hell would mind if she killed herself. I don't... I don't know how to deal with her. she makes me feel so helpless and useless, she won't let me help, and I don't know what to do with that. I just... I miss us being happy. hell, I miss just me being happy. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of frowning/ I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of freaking out when I miss a text because It could be the message where she's freaking out. I'm just... Tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Soo- Brianna

So things are good and bad right now.
Not complaining,
just getting things off my chest.
So I dont know if i ever really liked Marcos,
just flattered a senior knew i existed,
if that makes sense.
Or maybe i did,
but it was definitely just a little crush.
Today he told me hes gonna ask this girl out.
Kinda bummed but not so much as i thought i would be.
So its a good ish thing.
Bad? I think im starting to fall for Oscar.
OSCAR!
Hes my best guy friend i cant start liking him.
We kissed.
it was just a kiss,
nothing more.
it ment nothing,
so why am i still hung up over it?
why was i expecting more from him last night when we saw each other?
Why?
The even better news? I get two and a half weeks away from everything.
No oscar, no marcos, and no isaac, and no drama, and nothing.
nothing but my real friends and family.
the best news of all? Sunday night, me and nilsa <3 together for the first time since October!
Tuesday? Lexi might come over,
Wednesday? Going to a resort with shelby for the day.
Friday? Christmas Eve.
Saturday? Christmas day <3
ive got loads to look forward to and these little bits that are bumming me out
wont last much longer.
I hope

Oh, My, Goodness. - Brianna

Life is great right now.
I mean theres tons i can complain about,
but id rather not.
Like, with all thats good thats hitting me right now,
its all worht putting up with a little bit of shit every now and then.
So Tomorrow is my last day as a burnette
On friday after my doctors appointment, im dying it,
then heading back to school to flash it(:
Just kidding,
but yeah im reaally excited, and scared at the same time
Like im excited for the new hair color,
but im scared its not gonna come out the way i want it too.
But i suppose itll all be worth it.
And besides:
LEARNING EXPERIANCE.
So On friday, im going to a middle school dance
it sounds a tad lame but i mean
i absolutely miss all of my New Eighth Graders,
and im reallly excited to see them.
PLUUUUUSSSS
I might FINALLY
get to see nilsa,
she might go with me, and then spend the night at my house.
i havent seen her since we crashed the last middle school dance(:
Oh me and my friends and our crashing of middle school dances(:
its pretty amazing.
Senior.
OHMYGOD
I think i die a little every time i see him starring at me,
or when he texts me at exactly 8 on mondays and thursdays because he knows i have practice til then,
or how in PE....
Oh god PE..
I just started smiling to myself(:
Yesterday was just great.
i loved it
Like i dont even wanna repeat what happened because if i do,
its gonna leave my memory.
This boy...
Like okay,
every morning i catch him looking at me,
and one day i asked him if he saw me do something and i saw him looking at me,
and he goes "no"
:D
Hes denying starring at me,
he pulls me in to give me hugs,
he puts his hands on my waist,
he gets this (-) close to holding my hand,
and im pretty sure if we were alone,
at least SOMETHING would happen
It excites me(:

Conflicted... - Lauren

So, the guy whom I liked is moving back. I'm really excited from a friend point of view, I missed him, but from another point of view I am entirely conflicted... I am not sure as of yet if I still like him, but I know I like him more than a good portion of my male friends. For a while a big thing in my mind against dating him was the whole religious thing, but we actually had a religious talk the other day, and his views aren't as weird as I thought they would be, and he was more okay with me being an atheist than I thought he would be. But... there still lies the one remaining hurdle that puts me off a little. Anytime I talk about my best friend he kind of clams up. My Lesbian best friend. And I talk about her an awful lot. I really don't know how to feel... but with the talks we've been having I hope that I can eventually get to the root and find out why, because maybe then it can be changed to where he can at least be vaguely comfortable with it. That, and he doesn't date anymore than I do, and I've been told why Montanna thinks that is, but I want to find out from him. I hope I can, because I do like him, and even if not for me, I'd like to be able to help him for the future...
But I suppose I want to help me too..? I just haven't figured out the best way to do that yet...

Catch up(:- Brianna

Dying my hair:
Its a go(:
my mom finally said it was up to my grandpa,
and my doctor.
I talked to my grandpa
since i brought it up to him,
he said hed let me do it.
My doctor: well hes gonna say everythings fine,
and ill be able to do it.
So im dying my hair :D
Light Intense Auburn R3
Google it(:
Im pretty excited :D
Marcos:
All i have to say is read this conversation:
Marcos:Do me.
Me:Thats not the correct way to ask a question sir :P
Marcos:fine.... fuck me? :P
Me:nope try agian
Marcos:let me put my d*** in your p****? i have more ways to phrase it
Me:well were gona have to go down that list til you get it right
Marcos: can i insert my penis into your vagina thus having sexual intercourse?
Me:try again
Marcos:damn....wanna have sex?
Me:once more
Marcos:what the correct way?!?
Me:i dont know just wanted you to beg me for it :P
Marcos:fuck me then :P
Me:no
Marcos:bout to make a rape case...O.o
Seniors. what do you do with them :P
Ahaha i love how we can joke about sexual things and not let it get werid
like yesterday in i go
"if its in your face you always have to eat it!"
And he goe s"ill remember that tonight"
its pretty amazing.
Two of our favorite words right now are Penis and Vagina,
its pretty great.
You always have to close a door to have another open right?
Well i think thats what i did with martin
got him out of my life,
and got an even better guy friend than he could ever be.
Its not like i dont talk to him any more,
but i know that Malanies his main priority right now,
its his mistake let him make it,
hes paying the consequences right now so its all good.
So speaking of Marcos,
with him i always have to see if hes making a perv joke or not,
right now he said
"you want it to much jeez"
and i go
"the movie or something else?"
with him you never know :P

Im Dying- Brianna

I'm seriously DYING
to dye my hair!!
But not a "normal" color
Brown: my natural color,
so bland and BORING!
Blonde: I cant see myself as a blonde
Black: I dont want a dark color
Red: <3
thats what i'm aiming for.
I wanna dye it tomorrow.
as in the day before we go back to school.
I wanna dye it.
for two reasons:
1 since i cant do colorguard to stand out any more *which i love to do*
Why not a different hair color?
2 i havent done anything spontaneous in sooo long.
since Homecomming i suppose.
and i mean im not resorting to that EVER AGAIN.
Besides ive changed sooo much in the past few months and i think that Monday
is gonna be llike starting new,
ive had time to think things through,
ive had time to let things go,
forgive and forget right?
So why not finish what i started and just do it?
I reeeally hope my mom lets me do it soon

Im Scarred- Brianna

So,
Im scarred.
Obviously.
The question is of what?
I honestly dont know.
like theres lots of things on my mind,
and bothering me,
but i dont know which one is making me sadder/ more scarred.
So this guy.
I kinda like him a lot.
I cant see myself going to school without seeing him in the halls,
getting excited when i see his Letterman jacket,
or having him flirt his ass off with me,
even though it means nothing to him.
I've gotten wayy to attachted to him this past month,
and its like i get that we still 6 months of school,
but six months is really short and goes by quickly
and i mean i dont even know if i like him like that
i think i just see him as a really good friend,
maybe even a brother,
but like I guess im just scarred after he leaves
i'm not gonna talk to him anymore.
Maybe im just being stupid but ugh.
I dont know.
So tomorrow,
i was supposed to hang out with oscar.
Plans canceled.
No big deal.
i mean i am kinda bummed,
but nothing to bad.
So i'm hoping i can spend the day with Lexi.
Or at least a few hours.
and if Nilsa doesnt have plans then i deffinetly wanna see her again!
ughh.. i found a song that kind of shows how i feel.
Just kidding.
I didnt find it.
Marcos sent it to me.
Its called Dont Want An Ending by Sam Tsui
"The days turn to hours
And it's just a movement before they go
I'm scared to say goodbye,
'cause what's after that?
I don't know."
Gahh,
I cannot that fer the first time in at least a month,
im crying over a guy.
Thankfully its not the same guy,
and for the same reason,
or anything close to it.
I suppose all i can do is just make the best of these next 6 months,
and enjoy having him around while i cann.

Why cant you just be happy?- Brianna

Seriously.
Youre never happy with anyone
like it just bothers me
that someone who literally has such a good life,
great friends who love you,
and a.. well not a good girlfriend..
but a fun toy to play with,
cant be happy.
It bothers me.
You think you have it so tough.
and that its sooo friggin hard.
No bitch get a wake up call,
then talk to me about tough okay?
Theres more than one reason why i dont talk to you anymore,
and this is one of them
Try having to fail yer classes cause you are forrbiden from doing the work,
try watching your family crumble little by little everyday
try seeing your friends drift farther apart every day
try watching everyone do what you love to do,
but you have to sit and watch.
Thats not even tough,
but i know damn well its a million times harder than your life,
so next time you wanna fucking complain,
stop and think to yourself,
the grass is always greener.

Tipical Fishy- Brianna

Falling for that senior boy,
troubles at home,
hiding behind a smile,
hearing all the screaming,
and wishing i could just block it all out.
Lets start from the beginning.
This senior.
Oh my goodness.
Hes pretty great.
question.
what makes him so great?
The fact that hes respectful,funny, serious, has plans for after high school,
and hes a flirt; But he can admit it.
and somehow without saying a word, he can make me crack up.
Troubles at home?
Sister and mom always fighting.
its like they never take a break.
And i cant help but to notice that the reason for their yelling?
Stephen.
It drives me crazy.
Why doesnt she just dump him?!
Sometimes i wish my sister wouldnt live with us
so that i wouldnt have to see him here.
Hiding behind a smile?
Big Time.
I hate all of these symptoms,
and i hate being told i cant do something
and i hate not being able to do winter guard
i hate it.
But i act like it doesnt bother me because if everyone sees that it gets to me..
I dont know.
but i really do not like people to know somethings bothering me.
my lifes just going down hill right now,
but i know itll go up soon.
Just like a roller coaster.
and for now i just gotta deal with all this crap so that when everythings good again,
i can appreciate it.

Hit below the belt, metaphorically of course. - Lauren

So, there are certain movies you watch to wallow in feelings, and certain ones you watch to escape them, dive headlong into a whole new world and never look back. The final Lord of the Rings movie shouldn't hit that first category, but it did. What was it about this movie that hit me you ask? Was it the scary ass spider? Nope. When frodo 'died'? When Gollum died? When they beat the armies of Mordor and destroyed the ring? When Bilbo or even gandalf board the ship for the undying lands of the elves? Nope, nothin. It wasn't even when you found out Frodo was going with them across the sea, on the last voyage of the elves. Nope. It was the goodbye hugs between Frodo and his three hobbit companions of the fellowship. Not because of how sad the movie was, but because I felt that pain. The thoughts that run through your head as you hold onto that person like if you let go your whole world will fall apart. When my best friend left I never saw her cry. I hawked my eyes out, and she just looked back over her shoulder and smiled at me, then vanished. I stared after her, and she was gone. I am Samwise Gamgee watching Frodo board the last ship, the last desperate hug, and the turning glance with a wholehearted and sad eyed smile. That's what got me. The goodbye.
I was never good at goodbyes.
I always insisted on telling Sam "It's not goodbye. It's see you later." with the gasp of a breath that comes between the tears.
It's never Goodbye.

Right?

I wish you cared... - Lauren

I have come to the conclusion that I have to stop trying to be close friends with certain people. Like... I love them and all, but they make no effort, they don't ever want to hang out, they don't even give a shit about things like waiting for me when we walk to class every day, I get tired of chasing people down when they clearly don't care. the sad part? That happened today. I walk with a certain friend from class to the busses, and by the time I got out of my classroom she was already halfway down the hall from her class with someone else. No matter that that means that I get to walk myself. Who cares, right? It's been happening for a while, I'd been forcing myself in and she just has like two other people to talk to, so I end up walking with them but not really included, so today I didn't chase her down or wait outside her classroom for her, I just walked normally, and guess who didn't even notice I was right behind them, or even when I moved in front of them?
I hate it, but I think I just have to give up...
I hate giving up.
A lot

P.S. I'm writing a post about last weekend and my amazing surprise, but it's long. >< You don't have to read it, but... i feel like it should be documented. It'll be up eventually. XD

Mommy Knows Best- Brianna

Me and my mom have a special bond
one that most teenage girls and their mothers dont usually have.
i like it.
i feel like i can honestly say my mom is one of my best friends
she knows everything.
and i mean EVERYTHING
so i mean im always going to her for advice.
shes older than me, she knows what to do
weather it be from experiance,
or just knowing.
So i mean i do what im told.
usually.
The other day me and my mom got to talking
and she told me
she thinks its best
that i stop
Talking to Martin.
Honestly?
i dont disagree.
I didnt notice this, but
he was brain washing me.
calling me best friend
when really he would only talk to me for girl problems.
his own ex girlfriend,
honestly, How pathetic is that?
When in an instant he'd leave me to talk to Malenie,
or if he was talking to her,
he wouldnt even make eye contact with me.
And, honestly i feel that whenever Malenie or lexi
would reject him,
hed come crying to me expecting me to make him feel better.
My dumb ass fell for it,
And so now i know thats its all stupid games
and guess what?
off my phone, facebook, and outta my life(:

(: - Brianna

i feel..
Happy.
Like i havent been able to say that for a while
i had all of martin and malenies shit going on,
and jesus, and jesus s, and Eduardo,
and schools stress,
and missing my friends,
but Now,
Today, i finally realized,
that i really am happy.
Weather it be because projects are over,
and ive been talking to my friend more,
Or because im over all these bitches,
and getting closer to better people.
Who knows.
but today i finally realized.
I am happy(:
and im happy knowing that im happy :P
like, two people that i talked to today,
Jesus and Marcos,
just put smiles on my face.
Jesus because..
well its Jesus, if he doesnt make you smile you better asking whats wrong
and Marcos,
because he was in a good mood.
But he just called me a homewrecker so screw him :P
ahaha just kidding.
But like i think the third trimester of school is gonna be really good. like the first one was bad, were in the middle of the second one and so far its been so-so,
and so that means that at the end of the year its gonna be
amazinggg.
but i dont wanna think about the end of the year.
not yet at least.
like the fact that marching season is over,
makes me reaaly sad,
so when school is over,
its gonna suck balls.
but for now,
i stand happy with where i am
and we'll leave it at that and see where life takes me from there(:

Letterman-Brianna

So is it just me,
or is it kind of like an unspoken rule,
that you only give yer Letterman jacket to yer girlfriend?
(:
Well if that's the case then holy fucking shit(:
Mkay, so theres this hot senior right?
Oh my goodness im in love with this dude.
Hes turning 18 in three months,
which for some reason made me more attractive to him.
Anyways, so we have band together,
and he has a free period for 5th period, so he comes to my PE class,
not just for me, but its fate ya know? (;
Anyways, so after knowing each other for only ONE month,
last night at the game,
He let me borrow his Letterman jacket :D
i was uberly excited when he offered it to me.
So i dont wanna sound like cocky,
buuutt,
i looked uberly adorable ! :D
So yesterday we were talking in PE
and he brought up the first time we ever talked
i didnt even remember it,
but he did :D
Oh how i hate how hes a senior!!

Best friends- Brianna

So i know i always talk about how Martins my best friend.
But i feel like thats not true.
I feel like i just tell myself that so that a part of me always has him
but now that i am *wait for it*
Totally one hundred percent over him,
Yes indeed i am :D,
I know that thats some really big ass bullshit
to be honest,
the only times we talk is when hes having girl problems.
Dead serious.
thats all we fucking talk about
i dont think we've had a conversation about anything else since we broke up.
and by that i mean like the day after we broke up.
So jsut like befriending Malenie,
Having him as my "best friend" was a huuuge mistake
So as i always knew,
my best friends remain as lexi nilsa briana and haley.
Also Paulina and Marcos ad i are getting pretty close :D

Hate that i love you so-Brianne

so i dont like that im still hung over this guy.
i hate it infact.
i hate that ive now known him for a year,
and ive had feelings for him starting at day one.
only to get my heart broken repeatedly.
its like
i always fall the hardest for the ones that hurt me.
Jesus, Martin, Jason.
but out of these, the one that will always no matter what have a piece of my heart,
is Jesus.
If you ask any of my friends,
they know damn well who he is,
and what hes done to me.
And if i told them i was going back out with him.
theyd probably punch me in the face.
dead serious.
ugh..
i wish i never met him.
i seem to be wishing for the same thing with martin lately too...
only because he doesnt listen.
ever.
he asks for advice,
and i give it to him,
then he does it his way,
and ends up learning the hard way that he shouldve done it my way.
like im getting tired of him only texting me when hes hurt.
or when he doesnt know what to do.
i feel like yelling at him,
and just telling it to him striaght.
or maybe ill just stop giving him advice.
either way,
hes not gonna like it..

Jesus- Brianna

So..
On Friday
I ended up going to the game right?
Only to find out its middle school night.
Meaning: I was gonna see Oscar, Bobby, Isayana, Yahaira, and so on.
Also Meaning: i was gonna see Jesus.
I love this kid right?
And well..
i thought i was done with him.
i thought that he was nothing more than just my friend.
Well at the game,
we kissed.
Twice.
i wasnt really disappointed in myself for kissing him
as far as i knew he was single.
So anyways before i got on the bus to leave,
i ask him for one last kiss before i dont see him for a while right?
well he gives it to me then says
"youre gonna hate me so much right now"
and i ask why
his response?
"i have a girlfriend"
... :/
last night i finally realized that breaking up with him might have been a really bad mistake...
last night i also realized that i love him more than i ever will love anyone else :/

Life as we know it - Lauren

It's been a while. Life is decent, but there are some things I wished I could change...
I don't sleep much, not with Scare. So I'm always dead tired and really slow. I wish there was a way to do scare and still sleep. ><

Our house stinks - our water heater is broken and has been since this summer, and we aren't the best at keeping on top of things, so the dishes stink. I hate living in a house full of guys... It sucks. they are all slobs, and yet bryan (my uncle) always yells at us for not cleaning up. My dad isn't so bad, he hates things being dirty, he just doesn't have the time or particularly care enough to do things himself. He always has me or my brother do it when he's not doing anything in particular anyways. It's ridiculous. And my brother's just a sloppy whiny emo kid who needs to do his laundry more than once a month and shower more than only when his hair starts to get all sticky.

The house work doesn't get kept up because I don't have time to do everything myself, so nothing gets done. I hate it, it stinks, but... What can I do? I'm already not sleeping much... I don't have any choices but to just suffer... I can't wait to move out. I really can't. Yeah, it comes with all sorts of adult changes and living in the real world, and all that shit, but... As much as I love my family, I can't wait to not have to be around so many moody guys all day every day. >< Man, and they think we're bad. O.o

Montanna and Mike broke up last week, she came home to her stuff all packed and his status on facebook was single, and she (for the first time ever) after some debate (he's full of it - he's all "Well it's your choice if we're still together or not") she just said fuck it and left, and then an hour later he calls her and begs her to come home, he was wrong... all that shit. She's now staying back at their apartment, but didn't exactly hurry to put her facebook status back from single, she's not paying as much attention as before, she's hanging out with other people more, and he's not taking it so well. But honestly, he wasn't giving her room to be a teenager, and she wasn't ready to be an adult. She's 20, and he's twice her age. I'm sad that they are sad, but really i think it's better for both of them that they don't mend bridges and get together again, they just don't... mesh really. It just doesn't work.

I feel like I'm losing some of the all around niceness i was so known for... Once someone's broken my trust I really couldn't care less for them... And I feel bad for it, but it's true.
This morning in the hallway after the bell rang, we were slowly making our way to the doors with the crowd, and I passed AM&AN sitting together in the hallway, and when I glanced that direction AM's face was all pinkish and she had this look on her face, the one I knew from when we were really close as the one she makes just before she starts crying... and I didn't feel anything. I felt like I should feel bad, feel something, but.... I just turned away and kept walking. I feel really bad for it, but... She broke the friendship through all her lies and unwillingness to improve her own life, move forward, and fix the things she wanted to desperately to complain about. I have more sympathy for strangers than I did for someone who used to be one of my closest friends at that moment. I feel bad that I don't feel worse, but... I just can't make myself feel like she doesn't deserve anything she gets for the lifestyle she's chosen... She lied and lost all of her true friends who really cared, and now has a whole host of people who doesn't really care and are all out for their own self interest... I wish I could say I didn't think she deserves being kicked out of her house, I wish I could say I miss her, I wish I could say I wish we were still friends, but I can't... I don't believe any of it... I just can't make myself care anymore.

Kids-Brianna

So ive been in a shitty mood all day
Head aches are horrible, and i miss Francisco.
But today, i had to take care of 3 kids.
One ten year old girl named Stephanie,
a three year old boy named Allen,
and a One year old named Isabella.
They were the highlight of my year.
im not even kidding.
Stephanie was so adorable
she was quiet at first, but she knew how to start up a convo,
Allen was crazy! all he did was just jump around scream and and say Mario
and Isa, Oh my goodness im in love with her!!!
She didnt want to go to her grandma, she wanted to stay with me!!
these kids drove me around insane and i loved every second of it!
Stephanie took care of Allen while i took care of Isa,
Isa was quiet and didnt cry
and allen is quite the kid,
theyre all great.
i cannot wait til i have kids of my own
Kids simply bring me joy.
im telling you, its the little things in life that
take my mind off of things.
Tomorrows my Nuero app.
wish me luck!

Bad week- Brianna

This weeks isnt gonna be that great. i can tell.
Already.
Friday night a friend of mine died.
Car crash.
It sucks.
Tomorrow im going to a nuerologist.
Scarry shit.
My head ahes are reaaally bad.
And thats already after 6 tylonals,
and some other pill thats reaallly strong :/
and its not a heach ache.
its GThe spots where i got hit that hurt..
it suuucks.
Martin and ******
are together.
im not jealous.
Just upset.
because i know he can do so much better.
and i know that since theyre going out..
i still have to play nice after our project.
Other wise ill also lose my best friend.
thats really something i dont want to risk.
I just wish he realized that
no matter how hard we try,
me and her arent gonna be friends.
In bio. its all Fake smiles, Fake laughs, Rolling of the eyes behind the computer screen,
cursing at each other in our heads.
thats just how it works.
and i feel bad casue when martin comes around
its weird. and all three of us can feel the tenssion.
or maybe its just me.
Considering of what went down.
Its kinda weird thinking that
if it werent for her,
me and Martin could still have been together.
I dont wish for it not to have happened,
but its weird thinking about it you know?
ut i understand things happen for a reason
and whatever that reason was, God knows, and soon in time, i will too.
So about my friend dying.
That made me realize..
i could lose anyone of my friends next.
There fore,
i decided to write a really long letter to my best friend,
which i will give to him on Monday,
right before i leave the class room,
before i leave the school,
before i leave to see my nurologist.
And i dont care if he trhows it away,
or uses it as scratch paper,
as long as he knows.
i suppose.
Well im going to Hutto to clear my mind and chill with family.

So... Busy. -Nilsa

So much homework, so much on my mind. I haven't been keeping you guys updated on anything going on with my new friends, new teachers, ect. But here's a quick update on one of many situations: K*** is a terrible, horrible, very bad person. He's fooling around with Hannah's heart, and the sad thing is I helped him win it. I gave him a chance... why?! Now he turns around and asks me for what he's not getting from her. Um, hell no.
I talk to R****** about it sometimes. Turns out, there are numerous girls who like K*** as more than a friend. He just doesn't feel like choosing only one.
Now he's upset with me. Mad that I'm going to tell Hannah what he asked me for. But who wouldn't?
The only thing I'm really sad about is my ridiculous crush on someone who's friends with K***. But oh-well. Things'll work out. (?)

Tonight part 2 :D - Brianna

So i just got home from the dance...
and it was amazing!!!
ugh it reminded me of prom soo muchh !
Sneaking in, Hiding away, almost getting in trouble,
and the hardest part of all,
leaving!
ugh i was heart broken when i was saying bye to them!!
Heres how the night started: me and oscar were hanging out, then nilsa got there,
we caught up on school nd life nd stuff in Mr.Wards room.
then we went into an empty hallway nd kept talking.
then lexi got there.
Seeing her fer the first time in two months was crazy!!
i didnt realize how much i missed her!
so then we danced,
we got asked if we went to the school,
we got hit on,
and of course, we turned em down(: haha
after a while of dancing we snuck away from the dance to again, Mr.wards room
when we got there the haunted hosue started so we decided to turn off the lights nd just chill there,
We ended up needing oscar, and since he was in the haunted house he
had to hide with us or he wouldve gotten in trouble for leaving
so basically theres four teenagers, in a 7th grade science room, with the lights turned off.
Every few minutes we were like "shhhhh !!! someones coming!"
it was amazing(:
so about 20 minutes before i left we decided to go back down to the dance so that itd be easier to leave when my mom got there.
Well we ended up leaving at the same time as one of the HH tours :D
So all the teachers were like "was it scarry did you like it?"
it was great!!
While we were stuck up there,
i decided to text one of my friends David.
So i kinda have a big crush on him right?
well.. anyways so we were texting,
about what languages we speak,
then out of no where he randomly texts me...
Leme show you the whole convo!
Me:Italians my third :D
David:I love you
Me:me?
David:yes!
Me:why me?
David:cause ur amazing:D
Im sorry, but i think thats uberly sweet(:
If only he had the balls to ask me out(:
anyways, we did make plans to see eachother soon
wanna know his reply?
"Sweet. Finally get to see u"
:D
XP im not one to usually freak out over a guy this much,
but i have for him, ever since we first met, its so weird!
like im not used to it, but
i mean hey, were just friends :P
well i am off to bedd
just kidding.
idkk, im just off to go
enjoy the rest of my friday night.(:

Tonight- Brianna

Tonights the night ive been waiting for, for a long time.
im FINALLY gonna see two of my closest friends together,
for the first time in two months!
ugh im so happy.
I think today was just a good day over all.
in some ways.
Like finally, me and jesus broke up.
he broke up with me, cause i couldnt break up with him.
it was weird. like i reallly wanted to,
i even changed my relationship status YESTERDAY!
but everytime id go up to him, hed start walking away,
or id chicken out !
it was weird, but anyways
point is were finally over :D
and in PE today, me nd marcos messed around a lot,
like fer the first time in a while, i didnt focus on homework or people
or problems.
i played(:
we were laughing and throwing balls, and licking each other,
and giving massages, it was great(:
if only he werent a senior D:
oh well, things happen fer a reason right?(:
i can still admire from a distance xP
bahaha
but anyways,
Things at school are gonna be a bit hard for a while,
but soon enough itll get easier
The reason shall not be said on here fer reasons..that dont need to be said(:
My girls will know about it by the end of the nightt :D
Hope everyone has a good weekend!!! (:

Lunch once a month- Brianna

Okay so some new shit that i just found out about.
My dad wants to stop paying CS because he doesnt have a job
because he got fired,
cause he went to jail,
cause he beat up his girlfriend right?
right.
So, my mom called their case worker who talked to my dad,
who said he only wants to pay 20 dollars a month.
what do three kids and a parent do with 20 dollars a month?!
Do you realize that once a month hed be buying us lunch?
thats it!
thats all you can do with 20 dollars a month.
anyways, then we found out that he receives $800/month.
and yet he only wants to give us 20?!
like i get it that hes not gonna give us 300 hundred because its not posible for someone to live off of 500 a month, but still.
today i also found out he should be paying $739 a month...
yet when he USED to pay child support he only gave us 300 at the most.
Imagine his bill? first from all those 7 years he never paid, then those 400 from every month he did pay!
idkk... again i state theres a lotta shit going down with this family and im so so soo ready to just let it all go.

i dont know- brianna

i dont know what happened today.
i dont understand why it happened.
i wish it never did happen,
and i wish i wasnt sick.
today i think i had a melt down.
first of all, theres so much going on
at school with the projects and grades.
and collage and community hours.
then theres friends, best friends, people i hate, people who hate me,
then theres family stress, my sister alwasy being so rude to me infront of everyone,
expecting more than she gives,
and my mom and my dad,
and my mom wanting to move.
and then on top of all that
i have band practice.
games, morning practices, saturday practices, and extra long practices,theennn the first week of Nov. i have the play that ill have to work on. its insane how much im doing this year, and its only October!
but thats not my point. today i wasnt in a good mood,
i had thee biggest head ache ive had in a monthh.
it was so bad i almost started crying twice in the morning.
in the courtyard and in first period,
eventually my train of thoughts starting going and going and i coulnt help it i just broke down.
i hated it soo much.
then during lunch i took one look at my food,
went to the restroom, and threw up.
so i went home.
on top of all of that, i had a presentation today, and so i offered Malenie to do it during lunch, while she was telling me what the teacher told her, she was giving me an ugly look and attitude. when i said thanks, she rolled her eyes.
a little while later dylan caled me over to her,
and she was standing close to malenie,
at this time i was crying,
and i heard malenie *i think** say "shes just asking for attention"
im not fer sure it was her, but i wouldnt doubt it if it was.
If it werent fer martin being my best friend,
and me and her being in a group together,
id seriously put her in her place.
im so tired of her bs.
i do nothing to her,
yet she does all of this shit to me?
like its reaally getting old.
but its stupid, im not risking a grade jsut to shut her mouth up.
Basically, im just so tired and i need a break asap.
Nilsa, lets go drive away to Galvaston, you in?

School- Brianna

So although i tend to complain about missing my friends,
and how its not the same,
and how i wish it could go back to like it was 8th grade year,
i actually REALLY like my freshman year.
I was thinking about it today.
Like two of my best friends are Martin *duh*
and Paulina.
And then ive met a couple of really cool upper classmen
such as Sophomore: Roldando, trumpet player, kinda cute, really nice and funny(:
Senior: Marcos Pikalio player, going to collage, reeeaallly cute, taken but a flirt ;) lol
then theres Junior: Jesse going out with Paulina, my sisters ex, french horn player, drum major, and really great guy(:
these guys are really great, along with all my other friends,
During lunch, i think i have the most fun,
thats when i talk to Isaac and just relax.
i dont have to wear a fake smile for him,
i dont ahve to pretend to feel soemthing i dont,
its great(:
hes a good friendd.
but anyways so i mean although theres soo much on my plate, i still enjoy it.
Its life, ya know?
Project after project after project its crazy,
but in a way its a good kind of crazyy(:
Lucky for me,
my friends and i have made plans to hang out this fridayy :D
im so happy, i miss them so much !
and its like finally,
this weekends gonna be a good one,
in fact so far this week has been great,
nd for some reason, i think tomorrows gonna be really good.
just a feeling.
Maybe cause im seeing oscar, maybe cause im getting some hours done,
or maybe for reasons i should keep to myselff..
We'll see (:

What am i doing?- Brianna

So today i found out that the day before we broke up,
martin tried to kiss Malenie.
Although it doesnt bother me now,
its like wtf?
you know? still sucks knowing that he wouldve cheated on me.
And so im asking myself right now,
What am i doing,
being best friends with my ex boyfriend,
Who almost cheated on me,
Hurt me a few to many times,
and that i still have feelings for?
Although these feelings arent big,
theyre there, and it sucks.
At times i just wanna grab his face and kiss him!
But i know its not worth even trying ever again with him.
So all i have to do is get over him, and move on.
Be friends,
correction,
Be best friends,
with no feelings towards each other,
and continue the school year.
i think that Thanksgiving break and Christmas break are gonna help me.
thats how i got over Jason.
Well i mean summer.
but still.
And i mean im giving myself props,
i think ive hidden my feelings pretty well.
i help him with his girl troubles,
ive gotten a new boyfriend,
and i try not to talk to him every single chance i get.
Ya know?
Oh well. Eventually ill be completely done with him as a boyfriend,
and hopefully thats soon.
"Having trouble to believe
I was ever on your mind
It's getting harder just to breathe
Cuz you left my heart on the battle lines
You played the game, you called the shots
To get what you want, but is not enough
So I come to you, with a broken heart
So before I go, gotta let you know

That you never did care enough about me anyway
So I guess it'd be best for both of us if I didn't stay
Well you never did care enough about me anyway
Left my heart on the floor now you know
Gotta go my own way I can't stay"

One of the many reasons im in love with Honor Society these guys are the best(:

My Wishlist -Nilsa

Before I begin, let me just point out that I love my life.

The List
1. A mom who gets it
2. Love in "that" way
3. Money

Scare Fail FTW - Lauren

Scare's dress rehearsal was tonight, it went swimmingly with few mishaps, and it was awesome, until Rico decided to put some flaming barrels around, which was OK till the flames went out, and a short little one was in the complete dark, with burning hot metal, where it was in an awesome trip spot. >< I sorta kinda tripped and burnt the crap out of my fingers, Montanna went and called EMS on me for a little burn though, i went down there and they did exactly what the people with the first aid kit were doing in the makeup trailer, with little packets of burn cream and everything. XD Faillll. Then they couldn't get the bandaid to stay, so they taped my first two fingers together and taped up my thumb. I feel like a gimp. ^_^;;

Jenny and her new BF Fitzy went through with my two free tickets to dress rehearsal, They don't seem very coupley (except that jenny dressed up a little and did her makeup.) like, he wasn't even the first person she asked to take with her, kristina, then some other dude whos name i always forget were first. lol. ^_^;; It just seems odd to me.
Had a good time though, except for burning myself. I must admit, typing this is really difficult one finger short, it's only through constant editing that it's readable at all. XD So I'll leave y'all with that for now and go to sleep. Three more days before I can sleep again!! Then we do it all over next week, and the one after that!

"Hes got the hots for you"- Brianna

things like that,
make you feel soo good(:
knowing someones gonna ask you out,
makes you feel pretty,
getting asked out, makes you feel Beautiful(:
So no, i didnt get asked out.
Buuut.
According to two people,
David likes me.
Davids this guy whos kinda hot, has my same birthday,
and smells good.(:
we go to different schools,
that are far away,
so how do i know that?
he looks like the type that would smell good(:
so ive kinda sorta liked him since like a week before my...
correction OUR birthdays,
and since then weve talked alittle,
exchanged numbers, and texted a lott!! (:
hes even my good luck charm(:
so today, I found out he likes me right?
the ecact words?
" I haven't talked to David in like, almost a month. So, I dunno what's up with him, but he has the hots for you, so I'm sure he'd wanna come. :D ahahaha"
ahhh !!! gosh im pretty happy(:
but theeennnn..
Jacob texted me.
i brought up David,
and he asked me if i was cheating on him
wtf?!
when did we start going out?!!
ahaha
then theres Jesus whos supposed to ask me out,
but now if he does, imma say no.
hes waited to long,
and a real man never makes a lady wait(:
so there you have it.
my love break down of the dayy(:
haha !!
Okay so apperently me and jacob have been together since homecoming?
i dont think so, nice try though sweet heartt(:

So today- Brianna

today was horrible.
i just wasnt in a good mood.
i started thinking about things.
and how weird school is without my friends.
so then i started missing them,
and for the first time since the last day of school,
i cried because of how much i missed them
like its so weird not having them with me everywhere i go!
like lunch?!
its not fun.
worl geolit?
not fun
Geometry?
not at all fun.
its just different without them
nd i reaaalllllyyy wish they came to my school, or i went to theirs,
either way,
i wish it was like it was last year.
dont get me wrong,
i like all my friends at my school,
but their not my best friends,
and they never will be.
i only have one close friend there,
and i feel like im slowly losing him.
and i know im sounding whinny and junk but
its just weird not having them around 24/7

Comfortable? - Lauren

So... There's very little going on right now.
Lyn and her drama has nearly completely subsided.
Jim's behaving himself and being a good boyfriend to Ashley.
My friends are harmonious.
Shea's Hutto High Scare is over (she almost didn't get her TEA form for her drivers license, and if she hadn't gotten it her mom was going to transfer her) and ended well.
It's October, so SCARE is taking up every avaliable ounce of my energies. (October is the month when I don't sleep. XD)
Homework and Class Loads aren't great, but aren't too bad.
My Choir issues are slowly going away, Dr. Fish still yells at us all the freaking time, but it's better when you have people to talk to. :) Chamber is getting much better, I was sitting and writing something today, and Tiara dragged me back into the group cuz I wasn't supposed to sit alone. ;) Megan invited me to her house Tuesday to watch Glee with her and David, and possibly Chris, which I may or may not take her up on, because I'm pretty sure that for some reason David hates me, but Chris is awesome... So I dunno. >< But it was still really nice to be asked. :)
I miss my best friend a whole hell of a lot, but she is at least trying more to talk to me now, she's initiated a few conversations so I'm really hoping things get better from here on out...
Of course there are still my normal issues, mostly about my completely nonexistent romance life, and how I really wish it existed (and how I'm tired of people telling me that I'm wrong, and I don't want one. Maybe I don't need one, but... It'd be nice to be able to decide for myself. It'd be nice to even be asked. It'd be nice to know I'm not a complete failure as you have heard me rant about before....). But you know. It's... Not so bad. :)
Things are just... Comfortable.
And I'm OK with that.

i hate to say it...-Brianna

but i told you so.
see,
it may seem like im just a jealous ex-girlfriend
but honestly?
im not.
im a best friend whos just looking out for you.
I TOLD YOU SO!!
thats all i have to say about it.
***************************
So yesterday i had marching band contest,
for the first time in 5 years...
we got a 2(:
and in two weeks,
were gonna get a one.
i know we are
im really excited about it.
We already made Manor history,
and this is only the first year.
i think from now, were gonna be getting ones(:
or at least starting next year.
******************************
a great song right now?
I Told You So- Carrie Underwood and Randy Travis
i love it.
i always have,
but right now more than ever.
******************************
"Would you say I told you so
Oh, I told you so
I told you someday you'd come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so
But you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again"

Dude..- Brianna

So, remember my
"New best friend"?
shes a little...
this whole time
everything that happened
ive been really nice to her
i tried to befriend her,
and for a while it was fine
everything was cool..
but it was thee biggest mistake ive made this year !!
She turned out to be so rude to me!
like im sure shes not usually a mean person
so why towards me does she act like that?!
is it cause i had what she wants?
or should i say WANTED?
i dont understand why she wont just go out with Martin
her excuse is so...
typical..
but i guess i shouldnt say anything bad about her..
on that topic..
for now lets talk about
Today in PE
me and martin like talked and joked around in that class today fer the first time
i took advantage of that,
like i made sure that we were laughing.
and it was just as friends
then my "best friend" came over
and they were flirting so i left
then like no more than 2 minutes later so walks back to playing volleyball
a bit later Martin calls me and is all
" i bet i can make this" and he shoots the basketball
more than half way across the court
he didnt make it but still it was funny
and we got a joke outta it.
then she glares at me, and rolls her eyes.
like im sorry hes one of my best friends.
im sorry were close.
but sweetie,
if you want him soo badly,
go out with him.
like shit,
you made us break up,
so you might as well claim yer little prize.
but whateverr you know?
its just something i gotta go through thatll make me a much better person(:
this just made me realize how much i miss my best friends.
the ones i usually tell everything too,
who dont judge me,
accept my mistakes,
know that im a bitch,
and still love me(:
my two best friends go to different schools than me,
and it sucks i havent seen then in about a month and a half and its driving me nuts!!
im so used to being like "ill tell you next period, since i cant talk now"
andbeing like "dude so and so in 4th period is suuch a bitch"
now its like
we text each other when we have time, or when something big happens.
i miss the way things were last year.
like i keep saying i miss the 8th graders,
but no, i miss my best friends.
thats what i hate about high school
yer best friends become people you know,
and although were still always there fer each other its just harder.
i miss them so muchh
like i didnt think i needed them this much
but now seeing what im really going through,
its like i need them more than ever.
i cant wait til next saturday
cause im hoping and praying to hang out with themm

Losing People-Claudia

I haven't seen two of my best friends since school started. That's what, five weeks? Six? I get that we all have these completely separate, independent, new lives with new people and new interests.  I totally understand how busy everyone probably is. But what I don't understand is this: I go to a magnet school, play soccer, have parties and classes and babysitting and clubs and church stuff to do, but it doesn't matter. I always make time for my friends, because that's what's important to me. And every time they wait til Saturday morning to tell me oops, sorry I have this thing to go to, I can't make it to the movies, or the drag, or the frozen yogurt place, I feel like I'm the only one fighting for us to stay friends. I know how hard it is to keep up your friendships from other schools, I have so been there before, but I thought maybe this would be different. I know it would be, if they would make some kind of effort to even just maybe call me once in a while or, hell, even send me an email, instead of me always starting the IM conversations and making the weekend plans I know they're going to ditch at the last minute.

Even being told they don't have time for me and to stop calling would be preferable to this unsure almost game. I could stop bothering them and get back to my life if they would just tell me where we stand. I'm so used to losing friends. It's become kind of a routine almost. Sure I have a few best friends I've had since forever, but it seems like everyone else has come and gone in exactly the same way. We become friends, they suddenly get other, cooler friends and straddle two groups for a while, then they completely ditch me. To put it lamely and cliche-ly, t's like I'm a rung on the social ladder, like oh, you have to step on Claudia to get to the next level up.

A couple of years ago it was this girl. It was one of those crazy fast friendships where you spend some time gossiping in math class, you show up at one party together, and you're suddenly best friends who sleep on each other's floors all weekend and show up on Monday with matching newly red hair.
She was seriously probably the best friend I ever had. Not because we shared diaries and told each other our deepest secrets and cried together, cause that shit ain't real bro, but because we were both a little crazy and we made each other crazier and we pushed each other to this point where when I was around her I was this insane version of myself that I've never seen before or since. We snuck out, we went skinny dipping, we walked on the railroad tracks and climbed trains, we stole parking lot signs, we listened to screamo, we set off fireworks, explored in the creek, dyed our hair,  played spin the bottle, drank and wore eyeliner that dripped down our cheeks.

So in a way, when we just kind of fizzled out, I didn't just lose her, I lost me, too. At least, that insane me. And I miss that. It's amazing how many people I miss due to my own inability to let people know that I want them to stay. I guess that's why I'm trying so hard with my other friends, with this different high schools thing. We're making cupcake plans for Friday and maybe it will actually work out this time.

Meltdown... - Lauren

I really don't feel like re-typing everything, so if you care... here's the huge meltdown I just had in chat form with courtney. >.>

courtney: (:how're you dahling?
 me: >:(
9:41 PM I'm grumpy tired and frustrated. ><
9:42 PM Stupid homework I don't get that I can't turn in late, Stupid people making me feel bad for telling them I didn't approve of an idea, stupid weak-ness that means everytime i do any exercise all my muscles hurt
  :(
 courtney: ):
  wanna talk about any of it?
9:45 PM me: Ugh... I dunno, I'm just frustrated and PMSing on top of it. I feel like I'm gonna cry......
  Over nothing
 courtney: ooh..):
  well.
  I'm here for yah, babe : )
 me: :,)
9:46 PM I just don't wanna deal with any of this shit right now, I had a really long weekend and would very much like to sleep, but that's the one thing I don't get to do. >.>
 courtney: aw ):
  that's so sad.
  I'm so sorry ):
9:47 PM me: Yeah... I hate this, it happens every couple of months. It'll alternate that my PMS is barely noticeable, to the next month it's a total bitch and I'm crying over everything and picking fights I don't mean to pick, and i hurt, and I'm always tired, and it just sucks........
9:48 PM I'm also just getting completely frustrated with being unable to do anything...
  In a lot of different ways
9:50 PM I can't leave the house without begging someone else to take me or walking in the 90 degree weather, And I always feel bad making people go out of their way to get me for things...
9:52 PM I'm in personal fitness again because my credit didn't count before due to starting late, and it's completely kicking my ass and I get to completely fail at everything we do beause I just can't do it, and she gives me these awful looks because she thiniks I'm just giving up, but I really can't do it, and everyone else gets to watch me not be able to do it... and it sucks. And I always hurt now from it. my legs haven't stopped hurting in three weeks.
9:54 PM I can't freaking figure out how to do this homework, My english class is kicking my ass too, i think I'm failing right now. And it's not because my teacher is bad, it's just because I can't figure it out. I read these passages and just stared at them blankly. we're readings stuff in class and I just stare at it. I can't figure out how to write what we're writing, and it just... I just can't figure out what I'm doing.
 courtney: ):
9:55 PM I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what you're doing, and physical fitness sucks balls.
  most physical classes do.
  but I mean,
you're just having a rough time.
I'm here for you(:
and I know how you feel, because that was my entire sophmore year.
  I failed so badly.
  I failed pretty much every class.
9:56 PM me: I guess this is going to sound bad, but I'm... not used to failing.
9:58 PM And especially in my AP Englsh class, the one thing I was always good at but now am always shown how much I am not good, they're always talking about college and what amazing college they're going to, and al the awesome AP classes and Scores on these super hard tests, and I just... I have to probably take a year off t get any money at all to even go to college, and I am more than likely going to ACC because it's all I can afford, Among most people I feel good about myself, and among these people I'm the bottom of the heap, scraping the barrel. I feel like crap and I don't know what to do about it...
9:59 PM courtney: well, I know how you feel.
but I mean,
you can get past failing.
10:00 PM you can pass your classes.
  sure
  it's kind of hard
  but you can do it.
you're a smart person(:
  and pass,
just to show those people
how smart you are(:
  prove 'em all wrong!
10:01 PM me: It's not just that though.
  I don't know what I'm doing with my life! Everyone seems to have these awesome plans... And I just hate thinking about it because I just don't know.
10:02 PM I don't want school to end
  I don't want me entire life as I know it to be over
  I don't want to spend a year doing nothing when everyone is going on to college
  I don't want to have to change everything again
  I hate bug life changes
  I hate being uprooted and not knowing where I stand or what I'm doing
10:03 PM I don't want to do this
  but again
  no choice
10:04 PM courtney: but you'll figure it out(:
chase your passion.
what do you LOVE?
what are you good at? (:
you can do something with that!
10:05 PM me: The only thing I really love is singing and helping my friends, but you can't rely on music as a career and psychiatry requires many years of expensive schooling
 courtney: yeah I hear that |:
I wanna be a criminologist.
  but since that's a branch of psychology and sociology I'm gonna have to go for a minimum of like 8 years.
10:06 PM me: And I don't even have enough money to go to dinner.
  I don't know how to do this
  I completely feel like I've failed at my whole life
10:07 PM every little kid had all these hopes and dreams of what they wanted to do, and I didn't... I just sang and lived. I don't remember most of my childhood life because I didn't do anything. i was homeschooled and sat in my room for most of my life
10:09 PM And even choir is making me feel completely inferior. I know I can sing, but apperantly everyone else can sing better. I couldn't even make one solo in three years of the mediocre groups, let alone in one of the better groups. I made Chamber Choir which is awesome, but I really don't feel like a part of the group, or of acapella. I don't really talk to anyone, i just sit off to the side and then sing my part. I'm working on it, but choir was the only highlight a lot of the time, but that combined with the fact that I can't really stand our new choir teacher means i's not as great....
10:10 PM I love to sing, so much, but I can't get through a line without being yelled at and told how much we have to improve to be good.
10:12 PM courtney: ):
maybe...you're just a late bloomer.
everyone got their dreams early
you'll find yours (:
I promise you will.
and you haven't failed life, because if you did, you'd be dead, but you're not, because I won't let you because I love you too much to let anything bad happen ):
and if you need the money, you're probs gonna need a job, and make moneys D:
10:13 PM me: But I don't have a car or any way to reliably get to a job.
  Thank you though....
  It really does help. <3
  I really could just use a hug right now. 10:14 PM But my best friend lives 8 hours away, and the closest friend who i think would come see me lives in hutto
10:15 PM courtney: ):
  I'm going to
  come to your house
  a weekend
  and give you
  the biggest and bestest hug
  EVER.
  with sprinkles.
 me: Haha, <3
10:16 PM But Somehow I'm so freaking busy.
  I don't get to relax again till november.
  Scare has my out every weekend
  :(
10:17 PM courtney: : (
  THEN I SHALL VISIT YOU
  IN NOVEMBER.
  and give you the biggest and bestest hug with sprinkles.
10:18 PM me: Hahaha. <3
  I don't wanna wait till november. :(
  Maybe you come to scare one day and I kidnaps you home with me
 courtney: <3
  maybe:)
  that could works.
  but doesn't your dad not like
  spending the night?
10:19 PM I mean I could probs ask to be picked up that very day but I dunno o:
 me: But he let jim stay the whole weekend at brandon's and I haven't asked in ages... Maybe he'll let me. hug
 courtney: hmm maybe(:
  <3
  we'll have to see.
  just be like
10:20 PM "dude. who wouldn't want god to grace our presence for a night?"
 me: Haha. ^_^;;
  That's another big issue, I am getting so seriously fed up with my family. They are driving me completely insane.
  I cna't wait to be out of here, but I don't want to leave.
10:21 PM courtney: why don't you wanna leave?
  I wanna leave so badly.
10:24 PM me: I just don't want to like... leave my house and everything that's happened here. I'm worried about living alone, I need a roommate, but I don't know who to ask because I get really fed up with a lot of my friends after a while. I couldn't live with shea, we couldn't do a week at her house, let alone living together. we both get too high strung. I was going to go with Montanna, we'd both talked about it when she was going to leave mike, but I seriously doubt that's happening, they seem to have reconciled at least not enough for her to leave him... Sam is going to live in Dallas to go to med school, and that's too far for me to move... I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. :(
10:25 PM I feel alone a lot
  even though I know I'm not
10:26 PM courtney: ):
  see
  I could handle being alone
  I've been alone my entire life
  but you can find someone I promise(: <3
10:28 PM me: there's also the issue where I've completely failed in the relationship department... I don't know what I did, but somehow I'm the girl who's one of the guys and doesn't ever date and no one is interested in, People keep making reasons why, but there are always reasons and excuses I don't know.... I must've done something wrong, but I don't know what, and I think it's too late to fix it.
10:29 PM courtney: never too late(:
I've always been that ugly chick.
  but I mean.
10:30 PM I've changed I think.
  I mean, I'm still not liked
  but it's alright I sppose
  *suppose
10:32 PM me: But you're not ugly! You're adorable. And at least you have been though, I mean... I don't even mean people don't always like me, as far as I know no one has ever liked me, and if they have they never did enough to say something to me about it. No one. Ever. I feel like there's something wrong with that. I like people, it happens, but nobody ever likes me back. Often they like my friends instead, which is the suck...
  I dunno, I guess I really do feel like I'm just not good enough......
10:33 PM I don't even know for what, but i can't think of anything I've accomplished, anything I've really dont...
  *done
  I don't DO anythin...
 courtney: but you are(:
trust me dear, my life has been liking people and them never liking me pack.
hell, I've even been played, pretty much.
  then go out and have your own adventures(:
  be yourself.
10:34 PM people should like you for YOU and not like you for someone you're not(:
10:37 PM me: I know that last part, I do... But i guess I feel like there's too much ME and no one wants to look far enough to learn that much about me. :( And hell... This is going to sounds really bad but I don't mean it to be, At least someone liked you enough to try to play you. The most interest anyone's ever shown in me was he agreed to go on one date with me because montanna told him he had to go, because he told her brother I was cool, and she'd been trying to hook me up. That, and our awesome but slightly pervy friend who loves to jokingly hold people's hands and make jokes about stuff, but is completely uninterested for real, and has told me that I am one of the guys.. =/
10:38 PM courtney: man.
  I used to be one of the guys.
  like
  so hardcore
  in like elementary school.
  but I mean
  you can grow out of it.
  I'm not really "one of the guys"
10:39 PM but I'm not "one of the girls" either.
  I'm kind of my own person.
  but I dunno broski.
  you'll find someone I promise(:
10:41 PM but y'know,
you have been liked.
  sam liked you.
  but I mean, you don't...roll that way.
but I mean, you can be liked.
  (:
10:42 PM me: I honestly think sometimes that being homeschooled may've fucked part of me up. I was made to be very social and have people around me, and I sat in my room for a long time. I didn't do anything, I had very few friends. I've always said that I grew up too fast, I wasn't really a kid for that long, but... I think part of me grew up really slow. So the part of me that started liking boys didn't show up at all until a while ago, and by then I'd already messed something up.... I dunno... >>
10:44 PM and yeah, she says so, but I really think (and with my logical mind not my reactionary mind) that she really just knew I would always be there for her, she wanted someone she could always trust, in essence she wants someone like me. but... I don't think she likes me so much, just the fact that I never left her, when everyone else did. She only liked me after she's been broken a million times... I mean, I just think it was a reaction,i if that makes any sense
 courtney: ):
  well.
  I don't see why people couldn't like you
  you're absolutely adorable and amazing.
10:45 PM and if people can't see that they deserve to be spited.
 me: And isn't it a little sad that the only person who's ever liked me is my female best friend? Just a little?
 courtney: I grew up too fast, too, that's most likely why I'm so childish.
  not really?
  my friend kathryn liked/likes me a lot, I don't know if she still does.
  I haven't been liked by a lot of people, I don't think.
10:46 PM that was in middle school where people just follow the leader.
 me: but you didn't grow up with her calling eachother sisters. >.>
  Yeah........
  I dunno... <,<
 courtney: no, but we are that close kind of.
  I dunno brotato, but you'll find someone I promise<3
  we both will.
  just gotta wait for that one person that can handle you at your worst:)
  so far there's only been...
  three people that have done that.
  but one's 23,
10:47 PM the other was afraid of being a "pedo"
  and the other played me.
 me: :)
  that's sad.....
 courtney: bahaha
  yeah.
  kind of.
(Skip some irrelevant rambling convo here)
courtney: I mean

I guess I'm kind of...

pretty ish?

I have a decent personallity

but I don't know why people legitimately like me.

 me:  I kinda feel the same.

 courtney:  mhm.

 me:  ><

Ugh

well

at least I've stopped like... Completely freaking out and crying now. >.>

 courtney:  ):

I'm here for you<3

 me:  thanks... i think my friends get tired of it sometimes. >.>

 courtney:  naaah

(:

 me:  Well, just cuz you don't doesn't mean the rest don't. >.> I feel like most of us are just growing apart, I hardly see anyone anymore. >.>

 courtney:  aw... ):

yeah doesn't that feeling suck?

 me:  Yeah... a lot. considering I give up so much of my life to help them and shit, and they don't  even care enough to try to stay friends

 courtney:  ):

hun you gotta take care of yourself sometimes.

 me:  I don't know how.....

 courtney:  ):

you'l llearn(:

if I can do it, you can too!

 Sent at 11:03 PM on Monday

 me:  I suppose... I spent so much time helping others because it made me feel good to help, and it helped them, that I never learned how to take care of myself...

 courtney:  ...

man

we're so alike it's scary.

 me:  that... Doesn't make me as happy as it should. I don't like that anyone else has to feel what  am. >.>

(So yeah... there's that. I'm going to sleep this off now and hope I have enough Energy to wake up tomorrow. :C )

Homecoming, or HOEcoming?-Brianna

so tonight was homecoming
game was won EASILY
but it was boring.
so i just hung out with my friends.
it was cool cause i saw a lot of my old friends
like from decker,and even 6th grade !
but i dont know if tonight was an amazing night...
or a bad one
this guy who had been bugging me fer a kiss all week....
finally got it.
then he started getting reaalllyy touchy
so i left.
then i ran into my ex boyfriend.
youll never guess which one...
Jesus.
it was amazing seeing him again
and it was fun like we brought up old jokes and everything
then..
we started holding hands.
and getting closer.
then he kissed my check
then we got close nd closer
nd..
basically, we were acting like we were going out.
it was funny cause my friend Dylan asked if we were dating,
i said no
she said
Girl if you dont i will
then...
Aarons mom took me, sean, jacob and of course, Aaron home.
i cant finish the rest...
but my point is i made out with three guys in a matter of less than 5 hours !!
prob like 3-4 :/
like i feel reaallllyy stupid about it :/
lexi asked me what was going through my mind..
i replied "Honestly? 'i need to get over him'"
:/
i guess over all it was just a great HOEcoming night...

Geometry- Brianna

what is with that class?
theres something about it
and i dont like it.
so first he tries to kiss me in that class
and today,
Martin called me Babe in that class
i think it was an accident
but still..
like i dunno..
in a way it was weird to hear it,
but on the other hand,
it felt good to hear it.
:/
im in this middle stage of
"over him" and "i still love him"
like i keep telling myself and everyone else
that im over him,
but when i think everything over
and everything weve been through
i start smiling.
and like when i read over some of the messages i still have from him
i smile and i still blush
cause even though they mean nothing now,
they did at one point.
they meant a shitload at one point.
but like i mean at least now i know that
we are just friends and i know thats all were ever gonna be
so now its just a matter of getting over him.
which is much much MUCH easier said than done.
Like.. its weird..
when i see his status' that are like
" yer amazing you make me happy"
i think about like he used to tell em that
nd now hes over there telling another girl
and it sucks but
i mean it makes it easier fer me to move on when i know
he already did..
so someday when i stop loving you,
ill look back and think about these days
where i would hate myself
for loving you.

"I'll move on baby, just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need her moon
It'll break my heart, but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you"

Operation Beautiful - Lauren

So I was reading SixBillionSecrets, and someone linked to this website. Naturally curious, I followed the link and read up, watched the videos, looked at all the pictures, and was thouroughly disgusted by the things we as a society do to ourselves every day. We aspire to be so skinny we're sick and unable to bear children. We starve ourselves or make ourselves throw up because we're just too fat. We greet eachother, even in what was meant to be positive ways that reinforce the skinny standard. Betcha you never thought 'You look great! Have you lost weight?' would be bad. Well it infers you only look great because you're skinny.
Then there was the other part. While a portion of me was disgusted, the rest of me was inspired. so many people are trying their hardest to stop this. Operation Beautiful is simple. Write a note and leave it in a public place where someone can see it stating something positive (the best and most common example being simply 'you are Beautiful'. It can really help brighten someones day, from a simple smile while they wash their hands, to stopping someone from throwing up, to being that one thing someone needed to hear most in that moment. There is no downside. Three seconds and a post-it note and you can make someones day better. If you want include the link in the note so people can be as inspired as me. You can bet your ass there will be notes in all the bathrooms I can get to tomorrow.
You are beautiful!
<3
www.OperationBeautiful.com

Stronger-Brianna

So in a break up,
theres 4 stages
Sadness
Anger
Desperation
and finally,
Moving on.
right now,
i hate admitting this,
i am in the desperation stage :/
like its not that i want a boyfriend
i just kinda miss having one.
and i mean i feel like i definitely am done with martin
like if he were to ask me out i wouldnt say no
but i wouldnt say yes
which is a big step fer me.
so its not so much martin that i miss
its just
like the feelings i had?
idk
like jason almost asked me out
but i told him i didnt like him
so he didnt
butt i thought about saying yes
and like this is how i explained it to Melissa and Isaac
"i want a guy to make me happy"
Melissa: why cant two friends do that?
Me: cause you cant make out with yer best friends.
so now do you get how i feel ?
:/
this guy ive known fer a while and i were talking on facebook
and he asked me fer a kiss on Monday
but just cause im single doesnt mean im gonna go make out with every guy
i have rules and regulations.
And VERY high standards
and from now on,
im not dating anyone unless they meet every single one of them,
and i know i probably sound like a bitch
but i dont care,
im not gonna let my heart get broken just like that again.
nd if it means acting like a bitch,
so be it.
All it means is that im guarding my heart,
and getting
Stronger

Nothing at all - Lauren

I love how during the school year, it seems like everything happens, than kindof simultaneously nothing worth posting about happens at all. XD

I've had quite a busy weekend, I went right after school yesterday to go get Dylan from her house so we could be ready when my dad got home to leave for the SCARE for a CURE benefit concert, where we drove around for an hour on the wrong side of the highway trying to find the freakin place, to almost be not let in. Me and Dylan had no form of ID, so they were -thiiis- close to just denying us entry, Leanna threw a fit, she was so angry, Jarrett was trying to appease both sides (to little effect) and eventually some other guys came up and said we could go in as long as we were marked and he showed us to the bartenders so they knew not to sell us anything. >< Not like we would.  D8 But yeah. XD After we got in an hour late Dylan and I got the fun job of watching the free food table (and the tip jar residing on it) and re-organizing the pizza. XD It was a pretty fun night, We took a lot of silly pictures, Dylan and I got attacked by the Zombie Invasion, I got attacked by Jim and Rowan, and I now have some blood on my Scare shirt. lol. It was a pretty cool night, but the crowd was sad, and I couldn't distinguish anything but loud from the bands that played except for Fulton Read, which wasn't bad. P= they had all the zombies come up and preform with them on stage after their third song. =3

Then today Dylan, Dad and I (she spent the night) ran a bunch of errands, Now I'm baking for Montanna's birthday party tomorrow and the Scare Auditions we're going to right after that. =) Crazy busy.

In other news, My best friend Sam has contacted me of her own accord twice in that many days, so I'm happy. =D She texted me earlier just to say she loves me, and when I told her I loved her too and was sorry for passing out last night, she said "It's fine Hun. Just wanted to make sure someone told you they loved you today. ^^"
<333 I love my best friend so much. :,D