So, I just got home from camp. Home from a week at Nilsa's house. Home from a week of real food, hot showers, and females. I get home and immediately dad's griping and already we're cleaning house. I started feeling sick, so I'm in my room right now... But yeah. I wasn't even home yet and last night he was lecturing me. >< It was just a bit tiring. BUT Despite that... This week has been the best week... Possibly ever. XD
Sunday I met up with Nilsa Ben and Holly at the UU Church for setup, then Nilsa and I went back to her house and hung out, watched Dr. Horrible, had Ice Cream, caught up. ^_^ Monday was the first of five days of camp, and I spent the week with Destry cuz He was Head Boy and I was Head Girl. =) He wasn't there Wednesday, and I was really bored cuz I had to wander around without a real Job alone. >.> Boriiiing. Lol. But the rest of the week was prettymuch amazing. <3 Monday was Diagon alley, kids got cloaks, robes, bags, coins, wands. ^_^ Destry helped with Quiddich and I helped with Chess(Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday). Tuesday was the first day of classes, We helped in the potions room getting rid of the nasty potion they made, all shorts of nasty stuff caked onto the bottom, and it STANK thanks to the dragon's blood (Cabbage Juice) In it. >< Wednesday I re-knotted blankets for greyhound pets of america that the kids messed up, thursday we helped with Dry Potions, which was edible stuff, and the kids were crazy and hyper and it was hilarious. XD Geordi made an Instant Purging Potion, which was awful, Destry tried it, and if he'd had the whole thing... I think his potion would've worked. Smelled like Vomit and Tuna, tasted like vomit and cough syrup, looke like soupy pink vomit. >< It was DISGUSTING. Lol. ^_^ Yesterday the four of us original promises had a little reunion and left Francesca a Message with Livin on a Tiger on it, I love the others too but it was really nice to have the four of us together again. ^_^ Destry and I after then when class started wandered around, blew up water balloons in the most fail way possible, saw the stars in the astronomy tent. =3 it was fun, then there was the great feast, kinda gross bean soup and bread and butter the kids made (so we didn't get any, cuz we didn't make any ><) then all the prefects got to hang out in room 11 (our room), and Vicki got us pizza, and we had an amazing time. =) We're all really sad it's over... but we DON'T plan on waiting another year to all get together like last time, NoNoNo. Not again. We're already trying to plan one. ^_^
Nilsa and I had a lot of really girly giggly chats about... Well girly stuff. =O Liking people, things we wish guys knew (Which our whole huge group actually ended up talking about yesterday), everything. ^_^ It was prettymuch awesome. Sam and I never really had talks like that... She's not like that.
Nilsa is pretty much like the little sister I never had. ^_^ Andi came in one day and told Nilsa and I that our mom was here, and It made me smile. I like her mom a lot more than my own. >< To tell the truth it would be pretty amazing to be a part of that family, it's so comfortable and there's far less DUDE than in mine, I live with three sloppy guys and a male cat, I get real tired of trying to explain certain things to dudes, or like... I dunno. Sounds emo and cliche, but I don't really mean it in that way, it's just that they don't get me, what guy REALLY gets girls? some people get individual girls, but not like... ALL girls. >< I dunno, My family tires me out. I love them, but It was really nice to have a break, and I wish it wasn't over quite yet. >.> (That makes me feel kinda bad to say it, but it's true.) I sometimes think they wouldn't really function without me, my brother is a lazy emo kid who sleeps all day and won't get up unless there's something in it for him or when he wants to get up. My dad is usually depressed and snaps at people all the time, he has lost prettymuch all faith in humanity, he gripes and complains.. My uncle is a hermit who doesn't like to be around people much... He would far rather talk to people on WoW than in real life. It's ridiculous. So... Being with calm, happy, Girls all week was nice. I fit in at their family. I really enjoyed it. ^_^
I've never had a song in my head for more than like a day.. MAYBE two. But I have had a song in my head ALL week. Catch Me by Demi Lovato... It's really catchy and sweet, the lyrics are clever, and I just have to get over the fact that she's a disney channel star. >< I'm like... In love with this song. =) Nilsa showed it to me and it's so sweet. It's like... really true too. At one point I was singing the chorus quietly to myself and there's this part that goes 'But you're so hypnotizing, you got me laughin while I sing you got me smilin in my... Sleep' and It's so true. It happened to me, when I was singing it. ^_^ and There was much smiling done. ^///^ It's just an adorable song I relate to, and it's been stuck in my head all week. But I guess i don't mind too much. <3
So, basically... Harry Potter Camp? best thing ever.
And if she ever reads this....
Holly... GET OUT! XD Lol
<3
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Change- B R I A N N A
thats all everything,
and everyone,
ever does.
Change
some times fer the best
and some times fer the worst.
i dun know why,
but i started thinking about that right now
and i thought it'd be a cool intro.
So this week,
i joined Color Guard
its sooo much fun !
since im going to new tech
and they have no Arts department,
i thought i should do something,
V-ball would be to much,
with games making me leave around 3,
practice making me tired,
and then all my projects and junk.
it was like a last minute thing,
i missed the first day,
and out of no where
i just decided to do it.
this week practice was mon-thurs. 9-12
next week, its gonna be mon-fri 9-4
im gonna be insanely tired.
but its all worth it,
ill get 4 hour bus rides with the girls, the band
nd insanely hot football players(:
ill get some what of a high school experience,
aaand when Manor has pep rallys theyre gonna take me outta school,
take me over there,
and then keep me there fer the rest of the day(:
like its awesome im gonna get to miss a lot of school,
but still go to the school thats "best" fer my education.
with all that going on,
ive only got the weekends free,
but thats when i relax.
like theres no time fer my best friends any more.
last night Lexi texted me wanting to make plans i was all up fer it
but tomorrow im going to Hutto,
and sunday would only be during the day cause monday ive got practice.
and i want a GNO asap with Lexi nd Nilsa,
but our schedules just dont match up.
it really sucks.
if were all busy now in the summer,
imagine when school starts !
i hate how were all going to different high schools.
i mean its making our bonds stronger,
and giving us more to talk about,
but its not the same.
like i wont know about the Hotties nilsa talks about
i wont know the snooty cheerleaders lexi gossips about
and they wont know about the douches i go on about.
but anyways.
last night,
my ex boyfriend Jesus called me,
and i actually answered this time
we talked til about 11 then my phone started to die
so we got off.
we joked around like we always do,
then he got quiet
i asked whats wrong
he said "i miss you so much..."
like not "man i miss you i need to see you"
but
"i miss you i want you back"
i'll admit, i still wish we wouldnt have broken up.
maybe cause he was the first,
who knows,
but theres no way im getting back with him,
first, we wont see each other.
like ever.
second, he throws around "i love you" waaaay to muchhh.
third
im not looking for a relationship any more.
i mean when the time comes, ill find Prince Charming,
and hell take me to my ball
and we'll live happily ever after(:
and everyone,
ever does.
Change
some times fer the best
and some times fer the worst.
i dun know why,
but i started thinking about that right now
and i thought it'd be a cool intro.
So this week,
i joined Color Guard
its sooo much fun !
since im going to new tech
and they have no Arts department,
i thought i should do something,
V-ball would be to much,
with games making me leave around 3,
practice making me tired,
and then all my projects and junk.
it was like a last minute thing,
i missed the first day,
and out of no where
i just decided to do it.
this week practice was mon-thurs. 9-12
next week, its gonna be mon-fri 9-4
im gonna be insanely tired.
but its all worth it,
ill get 4 hour bus rides with the girls, the band
nd insanely hot football players(:
ill get some what of a high school experience,
aaand when Manor has pep rallys theyre gonna take me outta school,
take me over there,
and then keep me there fer the rest of the day(:
like its awesome im gonna get to miss a lot of school,
but still go to the school thats "best" fer my education.
with all that going on,
ive only got the weekends free,
but thats when i relax.
like theres no time fer my best friends any more.
last night Lexi texted me wanting to make plans i was all up fer it
but tomorrow im going to Hutto,
and sunday would only be during the day cause monday ive got practice.
and i want a GNO asap with Lexi nd Nilsa,
but our schedules just dont match up.
it really sucks.
if were all busy now in the summer,
imagine when school starts !
i hate how were all going to different high schools.
i mean its making our bonds stronger,
and giving us more to talk about,
but its not the same.
like i wont know about the Hotties nilsa talks about
i wont know the snooty cheerleaders lexi gossips about
and they wont know about the douches i go on about.
but anyways.
last night,
my ex boyfriend Jesus called me,
and i actually answered this time
we talked til about 11 then my phone started to die
so we got off.
we joked around like we always do,
then he got quiet
i asked whats wrong
he said "i miss you so much..."
like not "man i miss you i need to see you"
but
"i miss you i want you back"
i'll admit, i still wish we wouldnt have broken up.
maybe cause he was the first,
who knows,
but theres no way im getting back with him,
first, we wont see each other.
like ever.
second, he throws around "i love you" waaaay to muchhh.
third
im not looking for a relationship any more.
i mean when the time comes, ill find Prince Charming,
and hell take me to my ball
and we'll live happily ever after(:
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Big News- Brianna
Yesterday,
me and my mom went to my grandparents house.
my grandma and mom remind me of me and a friend.
always gossiping
spilling dirty
taking trash
all that jazz.
well yesterday we got news that 2 of my distant uncles are..
in jail.
Horrible reasons too..
like its weird to think that i have blood relatives
doing crazy things like that
and if im in this much shock,
imagine my cousins,
their wifes.
brothers
sisters
daughters
sons.
like it must suck
big fat hairy balls.
Im not allowed to tell anyone the reasons
and if i cant tell them in a simple text
or phone conversation,
then im not about to tell the whole world.
Anyways.
so my sister was with her boyfriend all day yesterday from noon til around 6.
wanna know what they were doing ?
buying a mouth piece for her clarinet.
im sorry sweetie, were not stupid.
it takes 15 minutes to get to the store,
10 to get the piece 5 to pay
15 to get back home.
thats not even an hour.
about 2 hours after they left she asks if they can go
eat at a Jack In The Box.
my mom said fine.
it doesnt take 4 hours to eat and come home.
especially not a FAST food place.
when she finally got to their house,
i opened the door for them
guess who had a little hickey ?
yeah but not on yer neck.
her shirt was low cut and...
i saw it.
i think thats why she wanted the foundation so badly
so she can easily cover up her hickeys
but who knows.
anyways so my mom saw it too.
but guess who didnt get in trouble ?
all she got was a
"yeah i saw that hickey dont act like yer that innocent"
its weird to think that i got my first kiss at 13,
she got hers at 14,
and within the same year,
lost her virginity.
like it bothers me.
how can you have yer first kiss, and lose yer virginity in less than 6 months period ?
it doesnt make sense to me,
anyways.
last night i had a dream about my best friend
my best friend at heart who will never be replaced by anyone
whos still with me, watching over me, guiding me, protecting me.
Fatima, My best friend, who died at the age of nine.
She was in 8th grade just like she would be if she were with us still,
and our whole 8th grade class took a trip to Galveston including Manor middle.
we were still best friends
the bus ride there, she was wearing my jacket and i was wearing hers
just like we would in fourth grade.
we were joking around, and laughing
and smiling. together.
i was sitting next to her.
why did my mom have to wake me up ?!
its not fair
for the first time in years i have a dream about her,
and my mom wakes me up
i miss her so much.
i wish we could go into high school together.
i wish that she was still alive
i wish she never went to the carnival
and never got on that ride
and never fell off
and never moved.
never left me in the first place.
i wish we never got into that fight a week before she moved
that wouldve been a week i could of had to talk to her,
to tell her how amazing she is nd how much i love her
for being my friend when no one else would
for being there when no one else was.
She was such an amazing person.
if she were still alive she would have tons of friends.
she was beautiful.
she was sweet,caring,out going, not shy at all, active,
she would be an amazing person.
she still is, its just now, shes in heaven waiting for me.
i miss her.
since '05 Christmas isnt the same.
like something Nilsa pointed out was that
every year when December comes
you get that feeling in yer stomach and yer like
look its almost Christmas
when she pointed that out
i realized that i havent had that feeling since '04
Because on December 19th 2005 my best friend Died.
***********
Rest In Peace Love,
Fatima Cervantes 1996-2005
http://www.news8austin.com/content/top_stories/152276/girl-dies-after-falling-from-carnival-ride/?ap=1&Flash
me and my mom went to my grandparents house.
my grandma and mom remind me of me and a friend.
always gossiping
spilling dirty
taking trash
all that jazz.
well yesterday we got news that 2 of my distant uncles are..
in jail.
Horrible reasons too..
like its weird to think that i have blood relatives
doing crazy things like that
and if im in this much shock,
imagine my cousins,
their wifes.
brothers
sisters
daughters
sons.
like it must suck
big fat hairy balls.
Im not allowed to tell anyone the reasons
and if i cant tell them in a simple text
or phone conversation,
then im not about to tell the whole world.
Anyways.
so my sister was with her boyfriend all day yesterday from noon til around 6.
wanna know what they were doing ?
buying a mouth piece for her clarinet.
im sorry sweetie, were not stupid.
it takes 15 minutes to get to the store,
10 to get the piece 5 to pay
15 to get back home.
thats not even an hour.
about 2 hours after they left she asks if they can go
eat at a Jack In The Box.
my mom said fine.
it doesnt take 4 hours to eat and come home.
especially not a FAST food place.
when she finally got to their house,
i opened the door for them
guess who had a little hickey ?
yeah but not on yer neck.
her shirt was low cut and...
i saw it.
i think thats why she wanted the foundation so badly
so she can easily cover up her hickeys
but who knows.
anyways so my mom saw it too.
but guess who didnt get in trouble ?
all she got was a
"yeah i saw that hickey dont act like yer that innocent"
its weird to think that i got my first kiss at 13,
she got hers at 14,
and within the same year,
lost her virginity.
like it bothers me.
how can you have yer first kiss, and lose yer virginity in less than 6 months period ?
it doesnt make sense to me,
anyways.
last night i had a dream about my best friend
my best friend at heart who will never be replaced by anyone
whos still with me, watching over me, guiding me, protecting me.
Fatima, My best friend, who died at the age of nine.
She was in 8th grade just like she would be if she were with us still,
and our whole 8th grade class took a trip to Galveston including Manor middle.
we were still best friends
the bus ride there, she was wearing my jacket and i was wearing hers
just like we would in fourth grade.
we were joking around, and laughing
and smiling. together.
i was sitting next to her.
why did my mom have to wake me up ?!
its not fair
for the first time in years i have a dream about her,
and my mom wakes me up
i miss her so much.
i wish we could go into high school together.
i wish that she was still alive
i wish she never went to the carnival
and never got on that ride
and never fell off
and never moved.
never left me in the first place.
i wish we never got into that fight a week before she moved
that wouldve been a week i could of had to talk to her,
to tell her how amazing she is nd how much i love her
for being my friend when no one else would
for being there when no one else was.
She was such an amazing person.
if she were still alive she would have tons of friends.
she was beautiful.
she was sweet,caring,out going, not shy at all, active,
she would be an amazing person.
she still is, its just now, shes in heaven waiting for me.
i miss her.
since '05 Christmas isnt the same.
like something Nilsa pointed out was that
every year when December comes
you get that feeling in yer stomach and yer like
look its almost Christmas
when she pointed that out
i realized that i havent had that feeling since '04
Because on December 19th 2005 my best friend Died.
***********
Rest In Peace Love,
Fatima Cervantes 1996-2005
http://www.news8austin.com/content/top_stories/152276/girl-dies-after-falling-from-carnival-ride/?ap=1&Flash
Positive stuff! - Lauren
Most of this blog is all problems and stuff, so I'm gonna take this opportunity to say some happy stuff!
My first babysitting job today, babysat Montanna's little sister at the pool for 4.5 hours, it was awesome but MAN that girl never gets tired. XD got 15 dollars, admission to the YMCA, two dresses, a shirt, dinner, and Ice cream. ^_^ All in all, good 6 hours. XD (Plus Montanna and I got to hang out in goodwill and try on obnoxious clothes like Idiots. X3 lol
I'm leaving for a week at Nilsa's house for Potter Camp tomorrow! I seriously can't wait. XD I haven't seen the guys since Halloween, and we haven't all been together since camp last year! It's been far too long. (The only sad part is missing Francesca. :( WHY MUST FLORIDA STEAL MY FRIENDS?!)I can't wait to be out of my house for a week, I love my family but.. I WANT TO MURDER THEM ALL. Jk, but seriously, they are REALLY getting on my nerves, a week away will be awesome for me. ^_^
I now have 75 bucks, having money is a good thing. ^_^ I babysat, and one of my dad's friends payed me $10 a shirt to adjust 5 of her t-shirts so they fit right. and $10 more to re-wrap the straps of her favorite purse with new fabric. =D
I fixed up my favorite shoes I thought were dead with a hot glue gun (I <3 hot glue... Best stuff Everrr). High Tops with the Heart Grenade on them (Green Day lolz).
Things may be looking up with Sam, She actually told me to text her when I asked her what was wrong on FB instead of ignoring it like normal, and we had a real (Albeit short) conversation about problems Between her and an Ex, and kinda sideways about us. It was progress. =)
So, I'm doing much better than the other day. ^_^ I'm Happy and Excited. Can't wait till camp!!!!
~~Lauren~~
P.S. If anyone Cares, I have another Blog, http://www.lovelyricslove.blogspot.com where I take a song, post the lyrics, and then write a description of why I picked it and why it applies to me. =D
My first babysitting job today, babysat Montanna's little sister at the pool for 4.5 hours, it was awesome but MAN that girl never gets tired. XD got 15 dollars, admission to the YMCA, two dresses, a shirt, dinner, and Ice cream. ^_^ All in all, good 6 hours. XD (Plus Montanna and I got to hang out in goodwill and try on obnoxious clothes like Idiots. X3 lol
I'm leaving for a week at Nilsa's house for Potter Camp tomorrow! I seriously can't wait. XD I haven't seen the guys since Halloween, and we haven't all been together since camp last year! It's been far too long. (The only sad part is missing Francesca. :( WHY MUST FLORIDA STEAL MY FRIENDS?!)I can't wait to be out of my house for a week, I love my family but.. I WANT TO MURDER THEM ALL. Jk, but seriously, they are REALLY getting on my nerves, a week away will be awesome for me. ^_^
I now have 75 bucks, having money is a good thing. ^_^ I babysat, and one of my dad's friends payed me $10 a shirt to adjust 5 of her t-shirts so they fit right. and $10 more to re-wrap the straps of her favorite purse with new fabric. =D
I fixed up my favorite shoes I thought were dead with a hot glue gun (I <3 hot glue... Best stuff Everrr). High Tops with the Heart Grenade on them (Green Day lolz).
Things may be looking up with Sam, She actually told me to text her when I asked her what was wrong on FB instead of ignoring it like normal, and we had a real (Albeit short) conversation about problems Between her and an Ex, and kinda sideways about us. It was progress. =)
So, I'm doing much better than the other day. ^_^ I'm Happy and Excited. Can't wait till camp!!!!
~~Lauren~~
P.S. If anyone Cares, I have another Blog, http://www.lovelyricslove.blogspot.com where I take a song, post the lyrics, and then write a description of why I picked it and why it applies to me. =D
Friday, July 23, 2010
To all the girls in my life(:-Brianna
im always ranting on guys
so i thought id make up for it by talking about
the wonderfully crazy amusing ladies in my life(:
lets start withhh
My sister.
Alexis.
Sissy
Hoe
whatever you wanna call her.
although at times shes the best thing,
a lot of the times..
she isnt.
for example
something i brought up with my brother yesterday
when she decided to lose her virginity,
she didnt think about the possibility
of my mom finding out any time soon.
well luckily,
my mom did
making her 100000000x's more strict and protective of not only her
but of me to.
like a few weeks ago i went to the park with a few guys.
i didnt want my mom assuming anything so i asked my brother to go
plus hes not half badd(:
but anyways on the way there she questioned me about 10 times about who was going
if i didnt list the same people every single time shed ask me about itt.
like at first nilsa was going then she said she couldnt
so when my mom asked i didnt list her
she asked me "and Nilssa? so its just you and 3 boys?!"
its like before everything with my sister happened
she wouldve still asked,
but not 10 times.
she would still be like one girl 3 boys, doesnt look good.
but she wouldve let it slide cause she would know she could trust us.
Seths Party.
perfect example
i didnt know me and lexi were gonna be the only girls there.
anyways it was like 6 guys nd 2 girls.
she asked me straight up
are you two gonna be the only girls there?
like i understand her concerns but she should trust me.
im not like my sister.
i have more common sense than she does.
like ive stated before,
i was forced to grow up quickly.
and i mean yeah at one point i was like
"oh yeah look at me im so bad ass i give my mom attitude i talk back"
but name one kid that doesnt go through that stage ?
but anyways like i was saying
i cant leave the house without being questioned even if im just going over to Nilsas house.
and its so frustrating cause before this she would say yes almost 100% of the time
but now its like not even a 50 50 chanceee.
and then the other little tiny times that shes amazing
were joking around
and laughing
and shes actually smiling
and you can tell shes having fun
shes my best friend at times,
i tell her everything
and she comes to me fer help
and i help her i mean thats what sisters are for right?
like over the summer were always messing around and one time we had Brooke over
*brookes our cousin*
and we had watched Keeping up with The Kardashians earlier that day
my brother jokes around saying we should have our own reality tv show.
and that just tells you how crazy we can get(:
moving onn.
My momm. shes so amazing.
shes my hero.
no joke.
she married my dad,
had 3 kids,
and a few months after the third one,
he left.
no reason as to why just couldnt handle it i guess.
yet some how my mom managed to find a way to support the four of us
without a degree
without help from anyone
in a city as expensive and San Diego
and still to this day she hasnt left our side
she didnt take the easy way out
and give us up for adoption like my dad told her to.
nd theres no way i can thank her enough for it.
Alexis.
Sleeping Beauty(:
we've been best friends since sixth grade.
we've gotten splitten up
lost contact
and called each other twice
and saw each other once
in a two year period
this past year
we went to school together,
and then got split up again
but this time theres no doubt that were gonna talk to each other just as much
and hopefully she'll go to high school with me(:
nothings coming between us,
and this whole thing with martin,
a lot of girls would let it ruin their friendship
but not us(:
what can we sayy,
were different
nd i cant wait til the day comes and we buy our 14 bedroom house together(:
Nislaa(:
shes prob the best thing since the internet(:
when no one else is,
shes always there
shes not closed minded
and thats what i love about her
she asks for advice
listens to it
and then decides whether to take it or not
shes got a passion for the arts and she doesnt hide it(:
she grew up at the same speed as me.
we know more about life than half the grads. out there
shes amazing and spontaneous(:
Her and lexi are basically the best thing that happened to me(:
i love all of these ladies very much nd wouldnt trade them fer the worldd(:
so i thought id make up for it by talking about
the wonderfully crazy amusing ladies in my life(:
lets start withhh
My sister.
Alexis.
Sissy
Hoe
whatever you wanna call her.
although at times shes the best thing,
a lot of the times..
she isnt.
for example
something i brought up with my brother yesterday
when she decided to lose her virginity,
she didnt think about the possibility
of my mom finding out any time soon.
well luckily,
my mom did
making her 100000000x's more strict and protective of not only her
but of me to.
like a few weeks ago i went to the park with a few guys.
i didnt want my mom assuming anything so i asked my brother to go
plus hes not half badd(:
but anyways on the way there she questioned me about 10 times about who was going
if i didnt list the same people every single time shed ask me about itt.
like at first nilsa was going then she said she couldnt
so when my mom asked i didnt list her
she asked me "and Nilssa? so its just you and 3 boys?!"
its like before everything with my sister happened
she wouldve still asked,
but not 10 times.
she would still be like one girl 3 boys, doesnt look good.
but she wouldve let it slide cause she would know she could trust us.
Seths Party.
perfect example
i didnt know me and lexi were gonna be the only girls there.
anyways it was like 6 guys nd 2 girls.
she asked me straight up
are you two gonna be the only girls there?
like i understand her concerns but she should trust me.
im not like my sister.
i have more common sense than she does.
like ive stated before,
i was forced to grow up quickly.
and i mean yeah at one point i was like
"oh yeah look at me im so bad ass i give my mom attitude i talk back"
but name one kid that doesnt go through that stage ?
but anyways like i was saying
i cant leave the house without being questioned even if im just going over to Nilsas house.
and its so frustrating cause before this she would say yes almost 100% of the time
but now its like not even a 50 50 chanceee.
and then the other little tiny times that shes amazing
were joking around
and laughing
and shes actually smiling
and you can tell shes having fun
shes my best friend at times,
i tell her everything
and she comes to me fer help
and i help her i mean thats what sisters are for right?
like over the summer were always messing around and one time we had Brooke over
*brookes our cousin*
and we had watched Keeping up with The Kardashians earlier that day
my brother jokes around saying we should have our own reality tv show.
and that just tells you how crazy we can get(:
moving onn.
My momm. shes so amazing.
shes my hero.
no joke.
she married my dad,
had 3 kids,
and a few months after the third one,
he left.
no reason as to why just couldnt handle it i guess.
yet some how my mom managed to find a way to support the four of us
without a degree
without help from anyone
in a city as expensive and San Diego
and still to this day she hasnt left our side
she didnt take the easy way out
and give us up for adoption like my dad told her to.
nd theres no way i can thank her enough for it.
Alexis.
Sleeping Beauty(:
we've been best friends since sixth grade.
we've gotten splitten up
lost contact
and called each other twice
and saw each other once
in a two year period
this past year
we went to school together,
and then got split up again
but this time theres no doubt that were gonna talk to each other just as much
and hopefully she'll go to high school with me(:
nothings coming between us,
and this whole thing with martin,
a lot of girls would let it ruin their friendship
but not us(:
what can we sayy,
were different
nd i cant wait til the day comes and we buy our 14 bedroom house together(:
Nislaa(:
shes prob the best thing since the internet(:
when no one else is,
shes always there
shes not closed minded
and thats what i love about her
she asks for advice
listens to it
and then decides whether to take it or not
shes got a passion for the arts and she doesnt hide it(:
she grew up at the same speed as me.
we know more about life than half the grads. out there
shes amazing and spontaneous(:
Her and lexi are basically the best thing that happened to me(:
i love all of these ladies very much nd wouldnt trade them fer the worldd(:
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Everythings going down hill.-Brianna
things are so
bad
everythings wrong
its not supposed to be like this
were supposed to be friends
everythings supposed to be at least okay
but no.
its all wrong
today i started thinking about my dad.
partially because of nilsas post
but mostly because i told someone a secret about him
when i was supposed to move with him to Arizona
i ended up staying.
not because i didnt want to,
or it was too much,
or even because my mom convinced me to stay
but because he didnt want me to..
it hurt me so much when he told me up front
"i cant have kids ruining my life, even if they are mine"
i've never admitted to myself how much it hurt me until now.
until today.
until i realized how much guys tend to hurt me.
like i find it horrible that my dad doesnt know a single thing about me.
from the smallest things like
my favorite color,
or what i wanna be when i grow up
to the big stuff like
my age.
he doesnt remember how old i am.
like thats not okay
hes my dad,
yeah he wasnt there when i was born,
but im sure he got a call
like was i really that BIG of a mistake!?
and yeah, fer the first time,
ive finally admitted to myself,
and to everyone,
that i was the mistake child.
its not that big of a deal
but like it sucks knowing that
you were the kids the parents didnt really want.
im sure my moms greatful fer such amazing kids,
but still i always keep that in the back of my mind.
today me and martin talked about things that have been on my mind fer a while
i dun even know if we ended the conversation on a good note,
i dunt know if its okay to text him tomorrow,
i dont know if were ever gonna talk again.
its obvious that i was just a back up.
he practically told me so.
the way he makes everything sound,
its like... i dunno.
i just have high doubts in us ever getting back together
and at this point i dont even care.
like im just so done, waiting around,
waiting fer my heart get broken.
thats all im really doing,
just waiting around for him to wake up and realize
that he never loved me,
and that hes done with him.
nmaybe its better it ended this way.
everythings out on the table,
nothings left inside of me to say to him,
and now, im okay to move on without feeling guilty.
when my mom gets home im gonna talk to her about
going to the district offices and let me transfer
to McCallum high
possibly not my freshman year
but fer sure sophomore and up.
i just want to go to a school thatll actually get me further in life.
like im not doing anything with Tech.
so why would i go to New TECH ?!
Mccallums got a great arts program so i mean
why not just go there right??!
*****************
Brianna**
bad
everythings wrong
its not supposed to be like this
were supposed to be friends
everythings supposed to be at least okay
but no.
its all wrong
today i started thinking about my dad.
partially because of nilsas post
but mostly because i told someone a secret about him
when i was supposed to move with him to Arizona
i ended up staying.
not because i didnt want to,
or it was too much,
or even because my mom convinced me to stay
but because he didnt want me to..
it hurt me so much when he told me up front
"i cant have kids ruining my life, even if they are mine"
i've never admitted to myself how much it hurt me until now.
until today.
until i realized how much guys tend to hurt me.
like i find it horrible that my dad doesnt know a single thing about me.
from the smallest things like
my favorite color,
or what i wanna be when i grow up
to the big stuff like
my age.
he doesnt remember how old i am.
like thats not okay
hes my dad,
yeah he wasnt there when i was born,
but im sure he got a call
like was i really that BIG of a mistake!?
and yeah, fer the first time,
ive finally admitted to myself,
and to everyone,
that i was the mistake child.
its not that big of a deal
but like it sucks knowing that
you were the kids the parents didnt really want.
im sure my moms greatful fer such amazing kids,
but still i always keep that in the back of my mind.
today me and martin talked about things that have been on my mind fer a while
i dun even know if we ended the conversation on a good note,
i dunt know if its okay to text him tomorrow,
i dont know if were ever gonna talk again.
its obvious that i was just a back up.
he practically told me so.
the way he makes everything sound,
its like... i dunno.
i just have high doubts in us ever getting back together
and at this point i dont even care.
like im just so done, waiting around,
waiting fer my heart get broken.
thats all im really doing,
just waiting around for him to wake up and realize
that he never loved me,
and that hes done with him.
nmaybe its better it ended this way.
everythings out on the table,
nothings left inside of me to say to him,
and now, im okay to move on without feeling guilty.
when my mom gets home im gonna talk to her about
going to the district offices and let me transfer
to McCallum high
possibly not my freshman year
but fer sure sophomore and up.
i just want to go to a school thatll actually get me further in life.
like im not doing anything with Tech.
so why would i go to New TECH ?!
Mccallums got a great arts program so i mean
why not just go there right??!
*****************
Brianna**
New Laptop, AND: -Nilsa
So most importantly, I do indeed have my own computer! Oh how nice it feels in my hands...
However, less importantly, I also dumped matt a few days ago. You know what? I'll just show you part of the conversation. Keep in mind that I had already confronted him about needing to pay more attention to his so-called girlfriend.
...
Damn.
I can't copy and paste.
Basically, his sister wrote to me and told me that he's not "sooooo busy" like he said he was, but that really he just stayed up all night gaming and spent the day getting his beauty rest.
I wrote back and said thanks, waited an hour, went back, and replied: By the way Matt, it's over. I waited way too long for just one phone call. Like I said, I'd like to stay friends. That title at least has less responsibilities.
To which he replied with the classic, "well what ever"
Jerk.
I guess he's just the kinda person who's only normal face-to-face, which is the opposite of what you'd expect.
I also tried to contact my father again. Turns out he changed his email prior to me confronting him last time. Which, I might add, he didn't reply to. I just have bad luck with guys.
However, less importantly, I also dumped matt a few days ago. You know what? I'll just show you part of the conversation. Keep in mind that I had already confronted him about needing to pay more attention to his so-called girlfriend.
...
Damn.
I can't copy and paste.
Basically, his sister wrote to me and told me that he's not "sooooo busy" like he said he was, but that really he just stayed up all night gaming and spent the day getting his beauty rest.
I wrote back and said thanks, waited an hour, went back, and replied: By the way Matt, it's over. I waited way too long for just one phone call. Like I said, I'd like to stay friends. That title at least has less responsibilities.
To which he replied with the classic, "well what ever"
Jerk.
I guess he's just the kinda person who's only normal face-to-face, which is the opposite of what you'd expect.
I also tried to contact my father again. Turns out he changed his email prior to me confronting him last time. Which, I might add, he didn't reply to. I just have bad luck with guys.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
i didnt see that... -Brianna
until now.
so when we were going out,
Martin nd i would always hack each others
myspace
and Facebook
well i guess one of the times that he got
i havent deleted it yet
but i know i have on my myspace,
he wrote a poem
in my Who id Like To Meet box
and that doesnt show up on my page so i had no idea it was there...
until today.
i was gonna edit my profile
and i saw it there
and i read it
and i cried.
its still there
i havent deleted it yet
but i know i have to
im just gonna wait til i calm down and...
just calm down i guess...
so when we were going out,
Martin nd i would always hack each others
myspace
and Facebook
well i guess one of the times that he got
i havent deleted it yet
but i know i have on my myspace,
he wrote a poem
in my Who id Like To Meet box
and that doesnt show up on my page so i had no idea it was there...
until today.
i was gonna edit my profile
and i saw it there
and i read it
and i cried.
its still there
i havent deleted it yet
but i know i have to
im just gonna wait til i calm down and...
just calm down i guess...
Same Ole Same Ole- Brianna(:
Everythings...
Okay.
like
theres nothing to freak out about...
anymore.
like
how after the storm,
the waves are calm
the sky is blue
everything,
is better
in some way
does that make sense ?
like last week was NOT my week
at all
but so far this week isnt bad at all
i mean im trying to talk my mom into moving,
my sisters always making homemade cookies,
my singing voice is getting better (i thinkk)
and me and martin...
me and martin..
thats a problem
there is no me and martin
and its weird.
like when were on the phone,
or texting,
or when im simply just thinking about him
i forget that we broke up.
thats never happened with any other of my ex's
Like the way we act towards each other,
the things we tell one another,
its things youd tell your best friend,
and then more.
and its not just me.
he says he forgets sometimes too
for example
we were on the phone
2 nights ago,
and we were joking around about him tutoring me
he was like "yeah ill give yer mom my resume,
ill be like
'yeah hm i can tutor your daughter Brianna Sanchez
...ha uhh i mean Miller"
(not putting my real last name, or his xD)
so see,
he fergets too
and it sucks to think that like
even though we want to,
or at least I want to,
we cant.
i always say follow yer gut instinct
but theres always certain times when you should just
listen to yer heart
or head
and go with the flow..
you know lately i feel like..
like hes gonna make up his mind.
like Since Sunday morning
we havent had a single conversation about Lexi
that doesnt mean hes thinking about her,
it just...
i dont know what it means
but like its cool to know that our conversations are gonna be
funny
or boring
or the FUN
instead about how he feels about my best friend.
not that its a bad thing when he tells me
cause i mean im always gonna be there fer him no matter what
its just,
its hard giving him advice because the advice i would tell someone else
would sound like i just want him to ferget about her, move on,
and ask me back out,
when really, i dun care about that
i just want him doing whats best fer him
and what makes him happy.
weather it be me,
or waiting around fer lexi.
see back to us acting as if we didnt break up,
a few nights ago we were on the phone
and listening to music
he said i have two songs
There Goes My Baby- Usher
and
Your Love- Nikkie minaj
and i gave him one
Trouble- Nevershoutnever
i couldve thought of a better one but thats the first one i saw nd was like
yeah totally fer him
anyways
then he said OUR song is
got your back t.i ft keri hilson
makes sense.
because we do have each others back,
no matter what happens.
so i might move
into the real Manor
not where i live now.
and i found two houses that i like that are in
guess whos neighborhood ?
Martins.
i showed the one i like the most to my mom
she said she liked it
but that we cant move right now.
not cool.
i have my reasons fer wanting to move
and yet she doesnt get it
like she told me to make sure its okay with everyone...
its okay with everyone (minus her)
she said make sure itll be better than it is here
its better than it is here!!!
like the house itself
is bigger.
theres two parks.
and then a huge one like 5 minutes away
theres a dollar general like right next to the entrance to the neighborhood
its two stories,
and its cheaper than this house.
i mean you gotta lose money to make money right ?
i guess...
its just the Same Ole Same Ole in my lifee..
************
:)Brianna(:
"Listen to your heart, before you tell him goodbye"
Okay.
like
theres nothing to freak out about...
anymore.
like
how after the storm,
the waves are calm
the sky is blue
everything,
is better
in some way
does that make sense ?
like last week was NOT my week
at all
but so far this week isnt bad at all
i mean im trying to talk my mom into moving,
my sisters always making homemade cookies,
my singing voice is getting better (i thinkk)
and me and martin...
me and martin..
thats a problem
there is no me and martin
and its weird.
like when were on the phone,
or texting,
or when im simply just thinking about him
i forget that we broke up.
thats never happened with any other of my ex's
Like the way we act towards each other,
the things we tell one another,
its things youd tell your best friend,
and then more.
and its not just me.
he says he forgets sometimes too
for example
we were on the phone
2 nights ago,
and we were joking around about him tutoring me
he was like "yeah ill give yer mom my resume,
ill be like
'yeah hm i can tutor your daughter Brianna Sanchez
...ha uhh i mean Miller"
(not putting my real last name, or his xD)
so see,
he fergets too
and it sucks to think that like
even though we want to,
or at least I want to,
we cant.
i always say follow yer gut instinct
but theres always certain times when you should just
listen to yer heart
or head
and go with the flow..
you know lately i feel like..
like hes gonna make up his mind.
like Since Sunday morning
we havent had a single conversation about Lexi
that doesnt mean hes thinking about her,
it just...
i dont know what it means
but like its cool to know that our conversations are gonna be
funny
or boring
or the FUN
instead about how he feels about my best friend.
not that its a bad thing when he tells me
cause i mean im always gonna be there fer him no matter what
its just,
its hard giving him advice because the advice i would tell someone else
would sound like i just want him to ferget about her, move on,
and ask me back out,
when really, i dun care about that
i just want him doing whats best fer him
and what makes him happy.
weather it be me,
or waiting around fer lexi.
see back to us acting as if we didnt break up,
a few nights ago we were on the phone
and listening to music
he said i have two songs
There Goes My Baby- Usher
and
Your Love- Nikkie minaj
and i gave him one
Trouble- Nevershoutnever
i couldve thought of a better one but thats the first one i saw nd was like
yeah totally fer him
anyways
then he said OUR song is
got your back t.i ft keri hilson
makes sense.
because we do have each others back,
no matter what happens.
so i might move
into the real Manor
not where i live now.
and i found two houses that i like that are in
guess whos neighborhood ?
Martins.
i showed the one i like the most to my mom
she said she liked it
but that we cant move right now.
not cool.
i have my reasons fer wanting to move
and yet she doesnt get it
like she told me to make sure its okay with everyone...
its okay with everyone (minus her)
she said make sure itll be better than it is here
its better than it is here!!!
like the house itself
is bigger.
theres two parks.
and then a huge one like 5 minutes away
theres a dollar general like right next to the entrance to the neighborhood
its two stories,
and its cheaper than this house.
i mean you gotta lose money to make money right ?
i guess...
its just the Same Ole Same Ole in my lifee..
************
:)Brianna(:
"Listen to your heart, before you tell him goodbye"
Monday, July 19, 2010
Conversations... With the wrong person? - Lauren
Sorry to make a second post. This only just got to me.
Sometimes... When I talk to people like Nilsa or Montanna... we get into these really deep, or really personal conversations, about who we like, or family, or friends, or just things going on in out lives. Which is awesome, I love having those conversations. I think it's really important that we do, because I might go crazy without talking about some of that stuff. but... Sometimes I can't help feeling as if I were talking to the wrong person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't want to talk to them or have the conversations, but... Aren't these conversations you're supposed to have with your best friend? I haven't had one of these with her Except about our problems with eachother for over a year, and real ones, that weren't affected by whatever weirdness she's going through and her cell phone ringing for texts every 30 seconds (She answered too) for far longer. I miss her, as she used to be. I miss US as WE used to be. She avoids talking to me sometimes because she can't deal with the drama. It's like she forgot that I'm not all drama, that there is a huge part of me that hates drama, and would LOVE to talk about other things, and an even bigger part that just loves her and wants to talk about ANYTHING with her, even if it's the weather. She's my best friend and my sister, but sometimes I really wonder how close we are anymore, and it breaks my heart because I really... I don't know what I would do without her, who I would be... When I promised Best Friends Forever, I meant it. I wonder sometimes if she did. I love her, and I know she has a lot of problems, but she won't tell me ANYTHING. I understand it's not in her nature to share everything, but she's always said I was the exception, and I was until recently. She won't even tell me when she's got a new girlfriend, or a broken heart, or is sick, or in the hospital, and all of those things happen a lot. I love my best friend, I need her, but it's like she's moved on without me, leaving me begging for her to come back, and she just Won't. She says she's here and won't go anywhere, but even when she's Here she's distant and evasive. And it really doesn't help that It's been over a year since I saw her. I was rather down on the fourth because All I could think about was being with her last fourth of july and seeing fireworks, and getting our faces painted, my mother took us but we ignored her for the most part. I just.... I miss her so much, and sometimes I wonder if I even cross her mind at all when I'm not bothering her constantly...
Sometimes... When I talk to people like Nilsa or Montanna... we get into these really deep, or really personal conversations, about who we like, or family, or friends, or just things going on in out lives. Which is awesome, I love having those conversations. I think it's really important that we do, because I might go crazy without talking about some of that stuff. but... Sometimes I can't help feeling as if I were talking to the wrong person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't want to talk to them or have the conversations, but... Aren't these conversations you're supposed to have with your best friend? I haven't had one of these with her Except about our problems with eachother for over a year, and real ones, that weren't affected by whatever weirdness she's going through and her cell phone ringing for texts every 30 seconds (She answered too) for far longer. I miss her, as she used to be. I miss US as WE used to be. She avoids talking to me sometimes because she can't deal with the drama. It's like she forgot that I'm not all drama, that there is a huge part of me that hates drama, and would LOVE to talk about other things, and an even bigger part that just loves her and wants to talk about ANYTHING with her, even if it's the weather. She's my best friend and my sister, but sometimes I really wonder how close we are anymore, and it breaks my heart because I really... I don't know what I would do without her, who I would be... When I promised Best Friends Forever, I meant it. I wonder sometimes if she did. I love her, and I know she has a lot of problems, but she won't tell me ANYTHING. I understand it's not in her nature to share everything, but she's always said I was the exception, and I was until recently. She won't even tell me when she's got a new girlfriend, or a broken heart, or is sick, or in the hospital, and all of those things happen a lot. I love my best friend, I need her, but it's like she's moved on without me, leaving me begging for her to come back, and she just Won't. She says she's here and won't go anywhere, but even when she's Here she's distant and evasive. And it really doesn't help that It's been over a year since I saw her. I was rather down on the fourth because All I could think about was being with her last fourth of july and seeing fireworks, and getting our faces painted, my mother took us but we ignored her for the most part. I just.... I miss her so much, and sometimes I wonder if I even cross her mind at all when I'm not bothering her constantly...
Bothered - Lauren
You know, I've never much liked the part of me that when someone says something or something occurs to me... It just, Sticks, in my mind. It won't go away, it comes up when I'm thinking about other things, My brain creates weird daydreams of what could happen in that situation, every feeling I could naturally have on the person or situation, It's just frustrating and confusing when I can't think of anything else.
I've always been like that, always focused (So much so it's hard to sleep), always thinking, always fixated. Dad thinks I just sit around, but really I'm always engaged, always thinking, always puzzling or mulling things over in my head like the impossible rubix cube in my head that no amounts of logarithms can solve. He thinks I'm Lazy and contented to sit around and do nothing, but honestly... when I'm actually being lazy is when he's got the TV on and I'm watching because there's nothing else to do! I like Anime, and School, and books... Because they get me out of my head, let me stop THINKING for a little while. Dad knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and is a genius at figuring people out, but the one thing I ever really tried to hide from him he never guessed, and he doesn't realize how much I WISH sometimes I could just relax and space out. But no, I can't space out, I get so Frelling BORED. Because my brain Doesn't. Ever. Shut. Up. I can't sleep, I can't do anything else... I just think and do mindless crafts like knitting that allow me to get something done while I think. I tend to knit and watch anime while I think, so that I can stay busy, content, and not bored.
I hate summer.
It's so much easier to get bored when I'm home for three months.
The other problem, I Always -always- over-analyze things.
I watch a movie, and unless I try really hard I'm thinking out different paths it can go and how the movie will end, who will end up with who... I love surprises, I love to be swept away in it, so usually I try to turn it off. But... Then dad says 'don't jump to conclusions, you have to analyze and really THINK about the movie' but I'm trying hard not to most of the time, I just want to watch it and learn it's lesson. But I always try to find the moral of the story, I dislike movies without a real moral or lesson to tell you.
Someone tells me someone likes me, or they like someone, two friends are going out, or anything like that, I obsess over it, I watch the people, I think about it, I try to work it out in my head. I try to figure out (if it's someone else) If I like the person they've chosen, if I think they match, on and on my brain whirrs. If I'm told someone likes me (Which I have been twice, once They were right but he moved, the second I dunno if I believe yet) I can't stop thinking about that person, if I like them, if we have fun together, how long we can talk without getting bored, how much we have in common, why they would like me (I have long-dormant issues that have made me believe that no one could really like me... Long story...), and if it's the first one, Who they could be and what my reaction could be depending on who it was. Someone *CoughNilsaCough* Brings up people when she's trying to set me up, and I think about it... A LOT. Cuz again, brain doesn't shut up.
But you know... for all I complain, I am who I am, and I wouldn't change anything about me for the world. That's who I am, and either I'll do something about it myself, or it will stay that way. I'm smart, I think a LOT. It's who I am. Frustrating as it can be, I'm comfortable with that
I've always been like that, always focused (So much so it's hard to sleep), always thinking, always fixated. Dad thinks I just sit around, but really I'm always engaged, always thinking, always puzzling or mulling things over in my head like the impossible rubix cube in my head that no amounts of logarithms can solve. He thinks I'm Lazy and contented to sit around and do nothing, but honestly... when I'm actually being lazy is when he's got the TV on and I'm watching because there's nothing else to do! I like Anime, and School, and books... Because they get me out of my head, let me stop THINKING for a little while. Dad knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and is a genius at figuring people out, but the one thing I ever really tried to hide from him he never guessed, and he doesn't realize how much I WISH sometimes I could just relax and space out. But no, I can't space out, I get so Frelling BORED. Because my brain Doesn't. Ever. Shut. Up. I can't sleep, I can't do anything else... I just think and do mindless crafts like knitting that allow me to get something done while I think. I tend to knit and watch anime while I think, so that I can stay busy, content, and not bored.
I hate summer.
It's so much easier to get bored when I'm home for three months.
The other problem, I Always -always- over-analyze things.
I watch a movie, and unless I try really hard I'm thinking out different paths it can go and how the movie will end, who will end up with who... I love surprises, I love to be swept away in it, so usually I try to turn it off. But... Then dad says 'don't jump to conclusions, you have to analyze and really THINK about the movie' but I'm trying hard not to most of the time, I just want to watch it and learn it's lesson. But I always try to find the moral of the story, I dislike movies without a real moral or lesson to tell you.
Someone tells me someone likes me, or they like someone, two friends are going out, or anything like that, I obsess over it, I watch the people, I think about it, I try to work it out in my head. I try to figure out (if it's someone else) If I like the person they've chosen, if I think they match, on and on my brain whirrs. If I'm told someone likes me (Which I have been twice, once They were right but he moved, the second I dunno if I believe yet) I can't stop thinking about that person, if I like them, if we have fun together, how long we can talk without getting bored, how much we have in common, why they would like me (I have long-dormant issues that have made me believe that no one could really like me... Long story...), and if it's the first one, Who they could be and what my reaction could be depending on who it was. Someone *CoughNilsaCough* Brings up people when she's trying to set me up, and I think about it... A LOT. Cuz again, brain doesn't shut up.
But you know... for all I complain, I am who I am, and I wouldn't change anything about me for the world. That's who I am, and either I'll do something about it myself, or it will stay that way. I'm smart, I think a LOT. It's who I am. Frustrating as it can be, I'm comfortable with that
Friday, July 16, 2010
i need to get away.- brianna
far from here.
far from "home"
far from the problems that are here
far from the boys
far from my phone.
far from everything
just clear my mind
fix my emotions
and get my mask back
lately i've let my gaurd down
and took off my mask
nd i dun like it
its just,
not me.
i dun know
i wish i could go back to
Galveston
the beach.
the amazing
relaxing
beautiful
peaceful
beach.
so calming
and with the waves wash away any doubts
and neggitivity
and clear youre thoughts
and its just...
perfect there.
even when the waves get crazy
like its the one thing you know will always be there fer you
unless...
one day yer mom makes you move half way across the country,
and now the thing that made you so happy,and was only 5 minutes away
is now, four hours away.
and its just not the same.
i dun know.
i guess the beach is symbolic to me.
since in Texas ive been happy,
but i havent been as happy as i was at home
texas isnt home
i guess the Beach is the one thing that always kept me happy
i mean in G-ston
i felt like a little girl again
all my worries dissapeard.
like i didnt even care that i was in a fight with Martin
nothing else mattered
i miss it.
thats the one thing i can say i love with everything in my body
i guess i just need to i dun know
get away.
well im going out tonight
i dun know what time ill get back
but who cares,
my sisters here with her boyfriend again
so my moms got a lot on her plate
shitt...
if i told my mom half the things i know...
if only..
far from "home"
far from the problems that are here
far from the boys
far from my phone.
far from everything
just clear my mind
fix my emotions
and get my mask back
lately i've let my gaurd down
and took off my mask
nd i dun like it
its just,
not me.
i dun know
i wish i could go back to
Galveston
the beach.
the amazing
relaxing
beautiful
peaceful
beach.
so calming
and with the waves wash away any doubts
and neggitivity
and clear youre thoughts
and its just...
perfect there.
even when the waves get crazy
like its the one thing you know will always be there fer you
unless...
one day yer mom makes you move half way across the country,
and now the thing that made you so happy,and was only 5 minutes away
is now, four hours away.
and its just not the same.
i dun know.
i guess the beach is symbolic to me.
since in Texas ive been happy,
but i havent been as happy as i was at home
texas isnt home
i guess the Beach is the one thing that always kept me happy
i mean in G-ston
i felt like a little girl again
all my worries dissapeard.
like i didnt even care that i was in a fight with Martin
nothing else mattered
i miss it.
thats the one thing i can say i love with everything in my body
i guess i just need to i dun know
get away.
well im going out tonight
i dun know what time ill get back
but who cares,
my sisters here with her boyfriend again
so my moms got a lot on her plate
shitt...
if i told my mom half the things i know...
if only..
Thursday, July 15, 2010
this is not okay... - B R I A N N A
Okay so i know ive been posting a lot
especially about guys.
but this one
this isnt about a guy at all
well okay sorta
but its his fault!
if i wouldnt have ever met him
none of this would be happening!!
hes stupid
he dosent see what hes doing to me
to me, or to my brother or mom
or even to my sister!!
he's blind as hell
and shes right behind him.
why is it so hard to see things
that are right in front of your face?!
its not hard at all!!
*******
yesterday was exactly 4 months since the pregnancy scare
4 months ago.
im still in shock that that could happen
it goes against everything i say
everything i do
and yet,
it happened.
why couldnt i be the older sister?
if i was the older one,
id be her role model,
she'd look up to me because shed know that i was always doing the right thing
she wouldnt have to worry about
me sneaking out,
and worrying where im at
or who im with,
or better yet if im catching any STD's .
She'd know that any marks on my shoulder
are burns, and not just an excuse to say she hurt me.
she'd know that the right thing to do,
is wait til yer actually IN love.
to wait until youre mature
and know right from wrong,
and know all the possibilities of having sex in the first place.
she didnt realize that with loosing her virginity,
came the possibility of a baby.
and she still doesnt.
every time he comes over and theyre in OUR room having sex,
she doesnt realize that shes just hurting herself.
and when she tells me that they had sex,
she has this smile on her face
like if shes proud of it
or like shes actually doing something worth bragging about.
shes only 15, and shes had sex, had two pregnancy scares, and ive walked in on her giving him a hand job.
all under the same roof...
the one i live under
like do they not have any respect?
like me?
yeah i can handle it
im not a child
i was forced to grow up quickly,
but my brother!
hes fucking 11
do you know how hard it is fer him?!
first he doesnt know his dad,
he left us when my brother was 5 months old..
i was two, thats the last time ive seen him
my brother needs a father figure,
the closest thing to that is any guys me nd my sister date
but Jesus my sister doesnt understand that!!!
all my sister cares about now
is Stephen.
and dont get my wrong hes funny and
a good friend.
FRIEND
nothing more.
he needs to mature before he tries to settle down.
*****
4 months ago is when my life literally turned upside down
four months ago..
i think it only hit me a few days ago.
it hit me that my sister,
the oldest,
the one whos supposed to tell me everythings okay
nd that no ones gonna hurt me,
and that gives me advice,
finally cracked, cried to me and asked me,
she asked me to tell her everythings okay
and that everything will be fine
nd i had to lie to her
i told her everything was gonna be perfect.
its what she needed to hear at the time.
yesterday,
four months later
i couldnt stand to look at her
or at Stephen as they walked into the house.
they said that my mom gave them permission to go to Stephens friends house
i dun believe that
they walked in about 40 minutes after they left,
said that there was a change in plans
i know they left to go have sex.
before they left the house
alexis changed into basketball shorts and a tee shirt
thats her
"im having sex today"
outfit.
i think ive cleared my mind enough...
especially about guys.
but this one
this isnt about a guy at all
well okay sorta
but its his fault!
if i wouldnt have ever met him
none of this would be happening!!
hes stupid
he dosent see what hes doing to me
to me, or to my brother or mom
or even to my sister!!
he's blind as hell
and shes right behind him.
why is it so hard to see things
that are right in front of your face?!
its not hard at all!!
*******
yesterday was exactly 4 months since the pregnancy scare
4 months ago.
im still in shock that that could happen
it goes against everything i say
everything i do
and yet,
it happened.
why couldnt i be the older sister?
if i was the older one,
id be her role model,
she'd look up to me because shed know that i was always doing the right thing
she wouldnt have to worry about
me sneaking out,
and worrying where im at
or who im with,
or better yet if im catching any STD's .
She'd know that any marks on my shoulder
are burns, and not just an excuse to say she hurt me.
she'd know that the right thing to do,
is wait til yer actually IN love.
to wait until youre mature
and know right from wrong,
and know all the possibilities of having sex in the first place.
she didnt realize that with loosing her virginity,
came the possibility of a baby.
and she still doesnt.
every time he comes over and theyre in OUR room having sex,
she doesnt realize that shes just hurting herself.
and when she tells me that they had sex,
she has this smile on her face
like if shes proud of it
or like shes actually doing something worth bragging about.
shes only 15, and shes had sex, had two pregnancy scares, and ive walked in on her giving him a hand job.
all under the same roof...
the one i live under
like do they not have any respect?
like me?
yeah i can handle it
im not a child
i was forced to grow up quickly,
but my brother!
hes fucking 11
do you know how hard it is fer him?!
first he doesnt know his dad,
he left us when my brother was 5 months old..
i was two, thats the last time ive seen him
my brother needs a father figure,
the closest thing to that is any guys me nd my sister date
but Jesus my sister doesnt understand that!!!
all my sister cares about now
is Stephen.
and dont get my wrong hes funny and
a good friend.
FRIEND
nothing more.
he needs to mature before he tries to settle down.
*****
4 months ago is when my life literally turned upside down
four months ago..
i think it only hit me a few days ago.
it hit me that my sister,
the oldest,
the one whos supposed to tell me everythings okay
nd that no ones gonna hurt me,
and that gives me advice,
finally cracked, cried to me and asked me,
she asked me to tell her everythings okay
and that everything will be fine
nd i had to lie to her
i told her everything was gonna be perfect.
its what she needed to hear at the time.
yesterday,
four months later
i couldnt stand to look at her
or at Stephen as they walked into the house.
they said that my mom gave them permission to go to Stephens friends house
i dun believe that
they walked in about 40 minutes after they left,
said that there was a change in plans
i know they left to go have sex.
before they left the house
alexis changed into basketball shorts and a tee shirt
thats her
"im having sex today"
outfit.
i think ive cleared my mind enough...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I hate to add to the mayhem, but: -Nilsa
I know that everyone's been posting about guys, and I hate to add to it, but I'm seriously confused. I'm still going out with Riley. However, I made a deal with Brianna that if he doesn't call me by Saturday, (a week since I confronted him via Facebook) I'll dump him. The thing is, I really do like him, and I think he's getting better. What's true though, is that he's not getting better fast enough. Is it really that hard to call me, just once a week or so? All the while I'm just trying to get over someone else, someone that maybe wouldn't even know I was talking about him if he read this. Someone who is literally just a friend, and I don't even want to date. If anyone could make me happy, it's Riley. Just with more effort.
He's got 3 more days.
He's got 3 more days.
Weird... O.o - Lauren
I'm sitting in my room listening to the people in the other room rant about my mother. Dan dropped by to say Hi, so the boys (Dad, uncle bryan, Jim (brother), and Dan) are catching up, and that involves a lot of the same conversations about my mother. The funny part is, I've had very similar exchanges with a few people, including Nilsa. What brings this up, is that the mother I haven't seen since September who didn't even bother to tell me she was getting re-married joined facebook and friended some of my dad's friends, so of course he saw her wedding picture on there, and he's been all weird about it since. But ya know. Same ol, Same ol. The only thing that really bugs me is that I have a lot of stuff set to friends and networks, and we have some mutual friends, so she's part of networks. It creeps me out to think of her going through all my photos and statuses. It's not below her, she's showed up at my choir concerts without warning and then snuck back out again without a word at the end. It's bizzare.
On another note... I went to the pool with my friend yesterday, I was on facebook chat and I just got a chat from him saying he wanted to go to the pool, and didn't like going public places alone cuz it seems sad, so I went swimming with him, and the moment I said I was going out Dad and Jim were both like where're you going who're you going with etc etc, which was fine until they both decided to ask favors. Dad wanted a ride to the store cuz our car is in the shop, and Jim wanted to go with us cuz Brandon wouldn't take him to the pool. I told dad I didn't really want to ask him favors, and when I resignedly said Jim wanted to go he said No. XD It was pretty funny. But dad, after I asked about Jim and he was begging me to make him let Jim go, Dad just said "Jim... A cute boy asked Lauren to go to the pool with him, we'll hang out, it'll be fine." I denied, He's got a girlfriend, and JIm was like "Yeah, he's not her type anyways." I was like... Whaaat? I have a type? and if I did, how the hellz would you know about it? But yeah. So we went to the pool, we hung out, I discovered that it is possible to cut yourself with half a foam football, it was fun. ^_^ Then he took me home, we wandered around my house for a bit, he didn't really want to return home cuz he's grounded, his parents let him go to the pool cuz it's exercise. But he left eventually, and when he did dad muted his game, looked over at me, and was like. "Lauren, I'm not saying he's an awful person who would cheat on his girlfriend or anything, but... He likes you. At least, that's the signals he's giving off." and he rambled a bit, I went back to my room, took a shower, and damn him but I couldn't stop thinking about it. X.X I dunno how that works, He has a girlfriend, he liked another friend of ours, but that didn't work out, they are both pretty, skinny, tan, not really at all like me. =P I dunno, stupid mental block that won't believe anything like that. Happened last time too. Montanna got all mad at me. =/ But yeah. So I dunno what's going on or if dad's right, but it's a nice thought I suppose. Also, he left his key in my bag, and still has yet to come back and get it. P=
Well... That's my update for ya. I'm really bored sitting here at home, but OMG I can't wait for Potter Camp. *heart* this should be so fun. =3 i'm really excited for it, I'm staying at Nilsa's, a week out of thr house with somebody so awesome is gonna be great. XD I love my family... But living with three very high-strung guys get a liiiiiittle crazy and grating sometimes. V.V But hey. Week and a half!
I'm out!
~~Lauren~~
On another note... I went to the pool with my friend yesterday, I was on facebook chat and I just got a chat from him saying he wanted to go to the pool, and didn't like going public places alone cuz it seems sad, so I went swimming with him, and the moment I said I was going out Dad and Jim were both like where're you going who're you going with etc etc, which was fine until they both decided to ask favors. Dad wanted a ride to the store cuz our car is in the shop, and Jim wanted to go with us cuz Brandon wouldn't take him to the pool. I told dad I didn't really want to ask him favors, and when I resignedly said Jim wanted to go he said No. XD It was pretty funny. But dad, after I asked about Jim and he was begging me to make him let Jim go, Dad just said "Jim... A cute boy asked Lauren to go to the pool with him, we'll hang out, it'll be fine." I denied, He's got a girlfriend, and JIm was like "Yeah, he's not her type anyways." I was like... Whaaat? I have a type? and if I did, how the hellz would you know about it? But yeah. So we went to the pool, we hung out, I discovered that it is possible to cut yourself with half a foam football, it was fun. ^_^ Then he took me home, we wandered around my house for a bit, he didn't really want to return home cuz he's grounded, his parents let him go to the pool cuz it's exercise. But he left eventually, and when he did dad muted his game, looked over at me, and was like. "Lauren, I'm not saying he's an awful person who would cheat on his girlfriend or anything, but... He likes you. At least, that's the signals he's giving off." and he rambled a bit, I went back to my room, took a shower, and damn him but I couldn't stop thinking about it. X.X I dunno how that works, He has a girlfriend, he liked another friend of ours, but that didn't work out, they are both pretty, skinny, tan, not really at all like me. =P I dunno, stupid mental block that won't believe anything like that. Happened last time too. Montanna got all mad at me. =/ But yeah. So I dunno what's going on or if dad's right, but it's a nice thought I suppose. Also, he left his key in my bag, and still has yet to come back and get it. P=
Well... That's my update for ya. I'm really bored sitting here at home, but OMG I can't wait for Potter Camp. *heart* this should be so fun. =3 i'm really excited for it, I'm staying at Nilsa's, a week out of thr house with somebody so awesome is gonna be great. XD I love my family... But living with three very high-strung guys get a liiiiiittle crazy and grating sometimes. V.V But hey. Week and a half!
I'm out!
~~Lauren~~
what can i say? - B R I A N N A
i dont mean to brag
but
im basically the best person on earth
im serious
sometimes im surprised that im not nominated fer person of the year
no okay im kidding about that
but really.
how many people do you know can take care of 2 dogs
one thats sick
and one thats only a puppy
an 11 year old boy
a fifteen year old with her 18 year old boyfriend
and can help one of her best friends with whats going on in life
all in one day
and
at the age of 13
?
not many that i know of.
i mean of course i dont mind doing it
i like keeping myself busy
i do this once a week while my mom goes to College
i mean my moms got so much on her plate
i dunt mind playing mommy for one night a week
besides its just 3 more times
then she starts online classes
My mom always told me as a little girl,
id make my brother play with me
id make him my son,
get him ready fer school,
then id play the teacher
and on some days we'd go on an
Adventure
around the house.
sighh
today was my Reminiscing day
Old notes,
pictures
songs
friends
posts, comments
crushes
the works
its insane how much changes in a year, right?
everyone knows that
know just think back to 4th grade
look how different you are
isnt it weird
like its almost weird to think that its the same person
...
but thats just the thing.
were not the same people.
were different and i bet that if we were to stay the same..
well if i were to stay the same, i wouldnt be writing here
id be out doing something else
...
so..
my friends seem to be finding great guys
like outta nowhere
Lexi was set up on a blind date nd from what i hear
he seems great!
Nilsas got ben,
and to lean on shes got her Mc boy
from art class
and then theres me,
recently dumped fer the first time
ruining my perfect streak
with no one to back me up.
does that sound...
pathetic?
yeah that was a stupid question it is VERY pathetic.
but anyways i mean
when the times right
i'll meet a guy whos as good as they get
and hey like i said
its summer
nd i dun need a man :)
but hey who knows what can happen?
we've still got about a month nd a half til school :)
we'll just see :)
So
today i was helping Martin with some stuff thats going on
i had no problem putting aside how i felt to help him
i think i deserve a pat on the back
but it wasnt really that hard
i guess i just care enough for him
but..
i dun know.
...........................
*Brianna**
but
im basically the best person on earth
im serious
sometimes im surprised that im not nominated fer person of the year
no okay im kidding about that
but really.
how many people do you know can take care of 2 dogs
one thats sick
and one thats only a puppy
an 11 year old boy
a fifteen year old with her 18 year old boyfriend
and can help one of her best friends with whats going on in life
all in one day
and
at the age of 13
?
not many that i know of.
i mean of course i dont mind doing it
i like keeping myself busy
i do this once a week while my mom goes to College
i mean my moms got so much on her plate
i dunt mind playing mommy for one night a week
besides its just 3 more times
then she starts online classes
My mom always told me as a little girl,
id make my brother play with me
id make him my son,
get him ready fer school,
then id play the teacher
and on some days we'd go on an
Adventure
around the house.
sighh
today was my Reminiscing day
Old notes,
pictures
songs
friends
posts, comments
crushes
the works
its insane how much changes in a year, right?
everyone knows that
know just think back to 4th grade
look how different you are
isnt it weird
like its almost weird to think that its the same person
...
but thats just the thing.
were not the same people.
were different and i bet that if we were to stay the same..
well if i were to stay the same, i wouldnt be writing here
id be out doing something else
...
so..
my friends seem to be finding great guys
like outta nowhere
Lexi was set up on a blind date nd from what i hear
he seems great!
Nilsas got ben,
and to lean on shes got her Mc boy
from art class
and then theres me,
recently dumped fer the first time
ruining my perfect streak
with no one to back me up.
does that sound...
pathetic?
yeah that was a stupid question it is VERY pathetic.
but anyways i mean
when the times right
i'll meet a guy whos as good as they get
and hey like i said
its summer
nd i dun need a man :)
but hey who knows what can happen?
we've still got about a month nd a half til school :)
we'll just see :)
So
today i was helping Martin with some stuff thats going on
i had no problem putting aside how i felt to help him
i think i deserve a pat on the back
but it wasnt really that hard
i guess i just care enough for him
but..
i dun know.
...........................
*Brianna**
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
my second post today-B R I A N NA
so obviously there's a lot on my mind fer this to be my second post today.
things have gotten better since this morning,
and then not so much
Mia's home, and doing fine.
i mean she just lays next to me all day
its really cute she hasn't left my side all day..
until now.
but still.
The vet said she just needs rest
which is understandable
Bella makes her run around to muchh
ha.
My house has been pretty stressful lately..
or maybe its just me.
i feel like lately,
ive been getting yelled at more than usual,
for things that arent my fault
like
me and my mom just arent seeing eye to eye
not that we ever do
just lately its harder getting along
nd it sucks cause my brothers always in the middle of everything
he's 11 i hate giving him so much pressure
but its like hes the one i run to
i know i have Lexi, Nilsa, Shelby, Haley, and Mileena
behind me 100% but its just easier to go to my brother
and when i tell anyone else whats wrong with me
i feel like im asking fer their pity
like if i tell Isaac or Martin small things
like my dad, ive never gone into detail with either one of them,
about that
not that i dont want to, just simply
that i dont want them feeling bad for me
my girl friends i dont really mind because well..
its easier talking to girls
and i dun know.
i realized i dont tell guys about me.
i tel them simply whats on the surface..
such as, i love my brown eyes
but ive never told them that i had a SLIGHT pill
problem that ended as soon as i took the last one in the bottle
its just easier keeping it to myself and my girls
i mean i trust Martin with things like that
but i dun know i feel that if he knew things like that
about me, hed feel like he needs to take care of me,
and same with Isaac..
...
you know its funny.
both of them did the same thing when i brought up my dad once
isaac said "you know thats the first time ive heard you talk about him, whys that"
martin said "your dad, i have a question about him, why dont you talk about him?"
i love how niether of them asked, until i brought it up.
it made it kinda easier to tell them,
like now its because theyre curious
not because they want a sob story
make sense?
but anyways
so recently ive been debating weather to wait fer martin or not
nd just now,
that ive had time to let me think
and think about the things i miss
and how much he means to me
i know that im not gonna pass up the chance
to keep him in my life
weather it be as my boyfriend,
or simply just a best friend that i can go to
when i need to.
hes a great guy,
he has flaws and
he means so much to me.
like i said i dont even care if we jsut stay friends
ive realized that i dont need a boyfriend,
theyre nice to have,
but theyre not needed.
i mean duh ill do what ever it takes to be with him,
but i mean things happen fer a reason and hey,
ive learned my lesson :)
so point is,
I'll make an exception and wait.
things have gotten better since this morning,
and then not so much
Mia's home, and doing fine.
i mean she just lays next to me all day
its really cute she hasn't left my side all day..
until now.
but still.
The vet said she just needs rest
which is understandable
Bella makes her run around to muchh
ha.
My house has been pretty stressful lately..
or maybe its just me.
i feel like lately,
ive been getting yelled at more than usual,
for things that arent my fault
like
me and my mom just arent seeing eye to eye
not that we ever do
just lately its harder getting along
nd it sucks cause my brothers always in the middle of everything
he's 11 i hate giving him so much pressure
but its like hes the one i run to
i know i have Lexi, Nilsa, Shelby, Haley, and Mileena
behind me 100% but its just easier to go to my brother
and when i tell anyone else whats wrong with me
i feel like im asking fer their pity
like if i tell Isaac or Martin small things
like my dad, ive never gone into detail with either one of them,
about that
not that i dont want to, just simply
that i dont want them feeling bad for me
my girl friends i dont really mind because well..
its easier talking to girls
and i dun know.
i realized i dont tell guys about me.
i tel them simply whats on the surface..
such as, i love my brown eyes
but ive never told them that i had a SLIGHT pill
problem that ended as soon as i took the last one in the bottle
its just easier keeping it to myself and my girls
i mean i trust Martin with things like that
but i dun know i feel that if he knew things like that
about me, hed feel like he needs to take care of me,
and same with Isaac..
...
you know its funny.
both of them did the same thing when i brought up my dad once
isaac said "you know thats the first time ive heard you talk about him, whys that"
martin said "your dad, i have a question about him, why dont you talk about him?"
i love how niether of them asked, until i brought it up.
it made it kinda easier to tell them,
like now its because theyre curious
not because they want a sob story
make sense?
but anyways
so recently ive been debating weather to wait fer martin or not
nd just now,
that ive had time to let me think
and think about the things i miss
and how much he means to me
i know that im not gonna pass up the chance
to keep him in my life
weather it be as my boyfriend,
or simply just a best friend that i can go to
when i need to.
hes a great guy,
he has flaws and
he means so much to me.
like i said i dont even care if we jsut stay friends
ive realized that i dont need a boyfriend,
theyre nice to have,
but theyre not needed.
i mean duh ill do what ever it takes to be with him,
but i mean things happen fer a reason and hey,
ive learned my lesson :)
so point is,
I'll make an exception and wait.
here we go again... -B R I A N N A
im wearing that mask again.
for the same reason and then
other reasons.
My amazingly annoying dog that i love with every bone in my body
Mia
is at the vet
her nose is uberly wet,
shes limping
and no one knows why
if i lose her, then...
i dun wanna think about what id do without her
then of course theres Martin
were really close friends nd i love it
were calling each other babe
and saying i love you
but now that weve gone out and broken up,
its different
and maybe thats why he still wants to do it,
who knows
but im not getting my hopes up at all this timee...
for the same reason and then
other reasons.
My amazingly annoying dog that i love with every bone in my body
Mia
is at the vet
her nose is uberly wet,
shes limping
and no one knows why
if i lose her, then...
i dun wanna think about what id do without her
then of course theres Martin
were really close friends nd i love it
were calling each other babe
and saying i love you
but now that weve gone out and broken up,
its different
and maybe thats why he still wants to do it,
who knows
but im not getting my hopes up at all this timee...
Sunday, July 11, 2010
just one of those moods..B R I A N N A
this weeks gonna be that one week every so often where like nothing can go right. sound familiar to anyone? it sucks cause.. i dun know im just tired of being "depressed".. im kidding im not depressed. but im far from happy. Martin doesnt make things easy fer me at all, my moms been frustrated lately nd yells at me a lot, nd today both my grandparents are getting surgery.
Martins on my mind 24/7 and it sucks cause i know im not on his. like okay yesterday he explained to me his "list" of girls he likes. 1.Malenie 2.Maria 3.Lexi 4.Me. he said that Malenie moved on, he has no chance with Lexi, nd Maria possibly has a bf i dun know thoughh. so see basically the only girl he has a chance with is me, but some advice my mom gave me? "a MAN never makes a lady wait" nd Ive been debating about thatt, and came to the conclusion that id rather know i wasted time, then gave up an opportunity. does that make sense? i dun knoww. like i told him that yesterday nd the way he answered was just.. weird like i should move on.
maybe i should, itll make it easier on him anyways right?
ughh this is soo debatable nd im soo confused
i love him so much but i dun wanna be put through something so...
pointless
so what ive decided to do is take Isaaxs advice which is something i never thought id do.
like im still debating it *of course* butt
he said to just like stop talking to him so much cause then he wont be so confused about it
buttt knowing Martin he'll think i just stoped liking him
so again
i dun know what to do.
like what i was telling isaac was that if he really "loved me" he wouldnt be effing confused
but then isaac said "you love him right? look how confused you are"
makes sense.
i replied"im not confused about who i love"
then Martin called so we got off the phone.
so i mean we make good points
now the only question is whos right?
Martins on my mind 24/7 and it sucks cause i know im not on his. like okay yesterday he explained to me his "list" of girls he likes. 1.Malenie 2.Maria 3.Lexi 4.Me. he said that Malenie moved on, he has no chance with Lexi, nd Maria possibly has a bf i dun know thoughh. so see basically the only girl he has a chance with is me, but some advice my mom gave me? "a MAN never makes a lady wait" nd Ive been debating about thatt, and came to the conclusion that id rather know i wasted time, then gave up an opportunity. does that make sense? i dun knoww. like i told him that yesterday nd the way he answered was just.. weird like i should move on.
maybe i should, itll make it easier on him anyways right?
ughh this is soo debatable nd im soo confused
i love him so much but i dun wanna be put through something so...
pointless
so what ive decided to do is take Isaaxs advice which is something i never thought id do.
like im still debating it *of course* butt
he said to just like stop talking to him so much cause then he wont be so confused about it
buttt knowing Martin he'll think i just stoped liking him
so again
i dun know what to do.
like what i was telling isaac was that if he really "loved me" he wouldnt be effing confused
but then isaac said "you love him right? look how confused you are"
makes sense.
i replied"im not confused about who i love"
then Martin called so we got off the phone.
so i mean we make good points
now the only question is whos right?
Long Distance Hurts - Haley
Ouh.. Yesterday was me and Chaiya's 6th month, and he had told me
"I won't spend it with any other girls, I'll mostly be with Renard, Malcolm,
and Devon"and I find out he was with Tammara as well. Let me tell
you about Tammara. She consistently writes on his facebook, comments
like.. all of his pictures, etc. I don't like this. He says he trusts her and she's
not a skank. Why doesn't he just go out with her then? He says he can't
like her like that, because she's his best friend. But you know, I was his best
friend too, and he got feelings for me then. So how can he not get feelings
for her? Im very weary about my boyfriends with other girls, because
every time that was the case, something happen. And I understand that he's
not that type of guy, but any guy can be that type of guy, and it seems like
he doesn't have a guy friend anymore. Always talking to other girls. The only
guy I talk to anymore is Anthony, and I rarely talk to him. I don't know if
should really bother me that he was with Tammara more then anything, but
he knows it bugs me. Last night he said he was a terrible boyfriend, and I almost
cried. He doesn't know that though. I think he does like her. And again, I feel
like he's replacing me. :/ Eh, we're going to end up talking about all of this
tonight, if he has time to talk to me. Bye Bye for now
- ._. Haley
Friday, July 9, 2010
Sighh.. -B R I A N N A
So this morning i woke up with 2 missed calls and a text from Martin. the text said to call him as soon as i wake up. i called him. he broke up with me, after he begged me two days ago not to break up with him.
We got into a fight while i was at Galveston with Nilsa. nd i almost broke up with him but i gave him one more chance, nd now today, he breaks up with me. its really weird. im only mad because he swore he didnt. he swore the day before he asked me out, he swore a few days into our "relationship", he swore it Monday Night, and Wednesday night all the way up until Thursday night. then this morning, he breaks up with me cause he loves her.. its really weird. nd like i don't even know if im sad about the break up. like i think deep down i know we wouldn't last because of his feelings for her. im not mad because its what he had to do, but there's this feeling inside. possibly jealously? no not even just regret? i don't know. but like i try explaining to him how i feel but then he replies saying he feels bad nd i don't want him to but he needs to know.. and he says he loves me as a friend and i cant say it back because i don't love him as a friend i love him so much more than that but.. i always say things happen fer a reason, and to think positive. but its really hard when you don't even know how you feel about the situation. i hate lying to people but i have to lie to him. i have to tell him im okay and that i don't mind that he did it and that i want to be his friend but its so... not true. im not okay at all. i hate that he broke up with me. i don't want to be his friend, because i want to be more. i told him i bounce back quickly nd he believes that i don't love him or even like him. if only he knew that i was telling him all that to make him feel better. if only he knew that i wish soo badly i could be more like Lexi.. if only right? if only...
Of course i have this act like wow it doesnt really effect me nd i show that to everyone minus Martin ish.. i still act like im fine but he knwos that im hurt more than anyone.. well i guess anyone who reads this knows too but my point is that i hate having to wear that "mask" for everyone. like i know i dont have to act like i dont care but i do because weakness is stupid to me. like i dont think more than 3 people have seen me cry. nd like my brother, i cant let him know that a guy makes me cry. he hasnt seen me cry in just about 4 years. ever since Fatima died, and even then i tried so hard not to let him see me.
Its really hard texting him cause usually when the convo gets boring one of us would try to make the other blush or say something cute. or just a simple "i love you babe" nd now we cant do that. and every time he texts me and i smile i just remember everything nd then i stop. and my eyes water and its a stupid process.
wanna see something funny? "Haha hmmm ok i'll think about it ok? Hmm i miss saying ily babe ...:(" that's a text from him. i felt like reply "no you don't cause first you didn't mean it and second if you did you wouldn't have broken up with me" instead i ignored the second part and acted as if i didn't see it.. likei know hes only trying to be nice by saying all the things he says like calling himself a jerk saying he feels bad, and saying things like that but it just makes it so much harder fer me..
Hes the first guy to break up with me.. technically. the other two i dont count cause one was more neutral and the other one he ended up asking me back out. anyways so the fact that hes the first, makes it so much harder. like not only did he hurt me, hes the first to. but i dont know like if he knew half the stuff in here things between us would be so different.. possibly awkward. but that could possibly be something i wouls risk jsut to tell him i love him once more...
" I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her "
We got into a fight while i was at Galveston with Nilsa. nd i almost broke up with him but i gave him one more chance, nd now today, he breaks up with me. its really weird. im only mad because he swore he didnt. he swore the day before he asked me out, he swore a few days into our "relationship", he swore it Monday Night, and Wednesday night all the way up until Thursday night. then this morning, he breaks up with me cause he loves her.. its really weird. nd like i don't even know if im sad about the break up. like i think deep down i know we wouldn't last because of his feelings for her. im not mad because its what he had to do, but there's this feeling inside. possibly jealously? no not even just regret? i don't know. but like i try explaining to him how i feel but then he replies saying he feels bad nd i don't want him to but he needs to know.. and he says he loves me as a friend and i cant say it back because i don't love him as a friend i love him so much more than that but.. i always say things happen fer a reason, and to think positive. but its really hard when you don't even know how you feel about the situation. i hate lying to people but i have to lie to him. i have to tell him im okay and that i don't mind that he did it and that i want to be his friend but its so... not true. im not okay at all. i hate that he broke up with me. i don't want to be his friend, because i want to be more. i told him i bounce back quickly nd he believes that i don't love him or even like him. if only he knew that i was telling him all that to make him feel better. if only he knew that i wish soo badly i could be more like Lexi.. if only right? if only...
Of course i have this act like wow it doesnt really effect me nd i show that to everyone minus Martin ish.. i still act like im fine but he knwos that im hurt more than anyone.. well i guess anyone who reads this knows too but my point is that i hate having to wear that "mask" for everyone. like i know i dont have to act like i dont care but i do because weakness is stupid to me. like i dont think more than 3 people have seen me cry. nd like my brother, i cant let him know that a guy makes me cry. he hasnt seen me cry in just about 4 years. ever since Fatima died, and even then i tried so hard not to let him see me.
Its really hard texting him cause usually when the convo gets boring one of us would try to make the other blush or say something cute. or just a simple "i love you babe" nd now we cant do that. and every time he texts me and i smile i just remember everything nd then i stop. and my eyes water and its a stupid process.
wanna see something funny? "Haha hmmm ok i'll think about it ok? Hmm i miss saying ily babe ...:(" that's a text from him. i felt like reply "no you don't cause first you didn't mean it and second if you did you wouldn't have broken up with me" instead i ignored the second part and acted as if i didn't see it.. likei know hes only trying to be nice by saying all the things he says like calling himself a jerk saying he feels bad, and saying things like that but it just makes it so much harder fer me..
Hes the first guy to break up with me.. technically. the other two i dont count cause one was more neutral and the other one he ended up asking me back out. anyways so the fact that hes the first, makes it so much harder. like not only did he hurt me, hes the first to. but i dont know like if he knew half the stuff in here things between us would be so different.. possibly awkward. but that could possibly be something i wouls risk jsut to tell him i love him once more...
" I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her "
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Dreams? - Lauren
just had a really interesting dream that clearly demonstrates I've been watching far too much shoujo (girly) anime lately. O.o It was like my life as a shoujo, and it was... interesting. there was a lot of unneeded crying, and everything revolved around being in love with someone and the troubles that surrounded it. It was very strange because it would go from being completely real like a movie, to seeming like it had a layer of animation over it when the 'characters' would make weird faces. It was silly... But... I didn't want to wake up. I wondered if it wouldn't be so bad to live like this, to love and be loved and just be happy with that. But then I woke up, it faded away, and I'm back to being me.
I miss it, just a bit.
I miss it, just a bit.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Life, For now - Lauren
So on Monday I went to Highland mall with Nilsa and Francesca, it was supposed to be a reunion of camp people... But the boys never showed up, so it was a girl's reunion. It was a lot of fun, a bit strange in the conversation flow, we would go from high pitched obnoxious laughter that chased everyone away from our awesomeness, to really deep important conversations. And it would fluctuate like that all day. P= The girls made me get my first casual dress since I was little (purplish pink and blackins gray tye-dye with a waistband in the middle - sale 7 bucks. XD), and my first pair of skinny jeans (white with gray kinda zebra stripes, but not really, and carefully planned rips - sale for 10 bucks lol.) I liked them both, but they insisted. XD Nilsa even said about the pants when I had tried them on with another shirt that the reason I hadn't gotten a date yet was because I didn't have that outfit. XD I didn't get the shirt, I firmly believe I need to be skinnier before I wear something that tight. =X but it was a fun day. Then instead of the movie we had planned on we retired to Nilsa's house, and we watched Ponyo which is an adorable movie. Then we were sad cuz Francesca went home, and she's moving to florida in a couple of days, and it's sad. Y-Y I ended up spending the night cuz by the time i got ahold of my dad it was late and he didn't want to get me, so I slept over and we had a strange semi-photoshoot cuz we felt like it. That was my first sleepover with Nilsa, and my first this summer. XD It was really fun, I had a great time.
Do you know that feeling where you know bad things happen in the world. They exist, you read stories about them. But... Until it happens to someone you know it never really sinks in how awful they are. I was in a weird mood all day yesterday because it was sinking in. Now nothing actually happened to my friend, but almost, and it's pretty damn scary to think about.
And now my dad just found a bag of my mothers makeup, (he asked me to take what I wanted and throw the rest away) and is clearly going to be in a weird mood all day and I still haven't gotten up the guts to increase his stress level even higher and tell him i found out my brother's sneaking out at night to go see his secret girlfriend... What am I to do..? =(
Do you know that feeling where you know bad things happen in the world. They exist, you read stories about them. But... Until it happens to someone you know it never really sinks in how awful they are. I was in a weird mood all day yesterday because it was sinking in. Now nothing actually happened to my friend, but almost, and it's pretty damn scary to think about.
And now my dad just found a bag of my mothers makeup, (he asked me to take what I wanted and throw the rest away) and is clearly going to be in a weird mood all day and I still haven't gotten up the guts to increase his stress level even higher and tell him i found out my brother's sneaking out at night to go see his secret girlfriend... What am I to do..? =(
Saturday, July 3, 2010
last night...-Brianna
was very... debatable. i had so much fun with both Nilsa and Martin. but i have a huge feeling Riley didn't even try to go, and Martin was on the phone with Lexi, and doesn't trust me with his phone.
We went to Austin park and pizza. that's basically a teenagers heaven especially if you go with the right people. i myself am the stay at home and just hang out kind, but still i think i speak fer the three of us when i say it was a blastt!
okay so Riley. Nilsas boyfriend. he kinda isn't a good boyfriend, but he does his best nd that's all a girl asks right? well yesterday nilsa invited him to apap *Austin park and pizza** and he said he'll try to go. knowing him and knowing his parents, i don't think he tried. but i mean who knows. i know it would've been soo much fun with him fer nilsa.
Martin martin martin... Hes MY boyfriend. yesterday was the first time we've seen each other in two weeks, and the first time we've seen each other as a couple. isnt it kinda like "duhh" to stay off the phone on dates? i i thought it was. but he was texting the whole time so i pulled out my phone too. then he called one of my best friends alexis *aka lexi** he was on the phone with her fer a good thirty minutes. granted, we were just eating, but still thats thirty minutes he couldve been talking to me. so of course i got mad. it was hard fer me to hide it because my eyes would start to water a little. while still on the phone, he grabs my hand gently and asks whats wrong. i said nothing. hes not stupid. he knew there was something bothering me. i told him it was nothing so then he got mad that i wouldnt tell him and i got mad about him gettin mad. it was just a cycle.
Then there were times where i was the happiest person in the world. like when we first got there, we sat down in a booth and he sat against the wall and he pulled me close to him, his arm around my wait, holding my hand with the other one. and then after that little fight he pulled me closer again, and i put my head against his chest *he smelled amaaazingg** and i could he his heart beat and it was like something out of a movie. He had his first kiss with me yesterday and honestly im surprised im his first :) although there is a down side to thatt, hes kinda aggressive about kissing, but he'll learn :) one of the times we played Lazar tag it was just me him and Nilsa, and we played fer the first 3 seconds, then starting making out xD we sat on the floor, then i sat on his lap and although it sounds really slutty, it was amazing!.. or maybe that just means im a slut...
So the last game of Lazar tag we played, was just me and him... and his two brotehrs and dad whoe dont know about us going out. we managed two kisses in there. one was rough cause it was wquick, nd the other was suuuper gentel then i pulled away cause i thought his little brother was coming.. i was right. it was the last one i got, but i loved it so much
all in all last night was amazing
We went to Austin park and pizza. that's basically a teenagers heaven especially if you go with the right people. i myself am the stay at home and just hang out kind, but still i think i speak fer the three of us when i say it was a blastt!
okay so Riley. Nilsas boyfriend. he kinda isn't a good boyfriend, but he does his best nd that's all a girl asks right? well yesterday nilsa invited him to apap *Austin park and pizza** and he said he'll try to go. knowing him and knowing his parents, i don't think he tried. but i mean who knows. i know it would've been soo much fun with him fer nilsa.
Martin martin martin... Hes MY boyfriend. yesterday was the first time we've seen each other in two weeks, and the first time we've seen each other as a couple. isnt it kinda like "duhh" to stay off the phone on dates? i i thought it was. but he was texting the whole time so i pulled out my phone too. then he called one of my best friends alexis *aka lexi** he was on the phone with her fer a good thirty minutes. granted, we were just eating, but still thats thirty minutes he couldve been talking to me. so of course i got mad. it was hard fer me to hide it because my eyes would start to water a little. while still on the phone, he grabs my hand gently and asks whats wrong. i said nothing. hes not stupid. he knew there was something bothering me. i told him it was nothing so then he got mad that i wouldnt tell him and i got mad about him gettin mad. it was just a cycle.
Then there were times where i was the happiest person in the world. like when we first got there, we sat down in a booth and he sat against the wall and he pulled me close to him, his arm around my wait, holding my hand with the other one. and then after that little fight he pulled me closer again, and i put my head against his chest *he smelled amaaazingg** and i could he his heart beat and it was like something out of a movie. He had his first kiss with me yesterday and honestly im surprised im his first :) although there is a down side to thatt, hes kinda aggressive about kissing, but he'll learn :) one of the times we played Lazar tag it was just me him and Nilsa, and we played fer the first 3 seconds, then starting making out xD we sat on the floor, then i sat on his lap and although it sounds really slutty, it was amazing!.. or maybe that just means im a slut...
So the last game of Lazar tag we played, was just me and him... and his two brotehrs and dad whoe dont know about us going out. we managed two kisses in there. one was rough cause it was wquick, nd the other was suuuper gentel then i pulled away cause i thought his little brother was coming.. i was right. it was the last one i got, but i loved it so much
all in all last night was amazing
Friday, July 2, 2010
Ohmagod... -Brianna
I sware... my sister is something... "special." ughh shes so frickin stupid. she goes to bed at like one in the morning, and doesnt wake up til about noon. i go to bed at like four, and im up by 9:30 at the latest. so today my aunt calls looking fer my moms number. i knew it but i fergot it since now all i do is just text her. anyways so i wake my sister up asking her to give it to my aunt,and she tells me to go away, then i ask her to just give it to me, (the same thing shed be doing if she gave it to my aunt) so she does, i get off the phone with my aunt, and then i remember, "i thought there was an extension?" her response? "well you didnt wait long enough to let me give it to you" uhh, no. yes i did, its just that yer stupid ass fergot! ughhh she really annoys me. like with everything she does. either, ive got a bad case of hormones, or shes changed in a very bad wayy..
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