Everythings going down hill.-Brianna

things are so
bad
everythings wrong
its not supposed to be like this
were supposed to be friends
everythings supposed to be at least okay
but no.
its all wrong
today i started thinking about my dad.
partially because of nilsas post
but mostly because i told someone a secret about him
when i was supposed to move with him to Arizona
i ended up staying.
not because i didnt want to,
or it was too much,
or even because my mom convinced me to stay
but because he didnt want me to..
it hurt me so much when he told me up front
"i cant have kids ruining my life, even if they are mine"
i've never admitted to myself how much it hurt me until now.
until today.
until i realized how much guys tend to hurt me.
like i find it horrible that my dad doesnt know a single thing about me.
from the smallest things like
my favorite color,
or what i wanna be when i grow up
to the big stuff like
my age.
he doesnt remember how old i am.
like thats not okay
hes my dad,
yeah he wasnt there when i was born,
but im sure he got a call
like was i really that BIG of a mistake!?
and yeah, fer the first time,
ive finally admitted to myself,
and to everyone,
that i was the mistake child.
its not that big of a deal
but like it sucks knowing that
you were the kids the parents didnt really want.
im sure my moms greatful fer such amazing kids,
but still i always keep that in the back of my mind.
today me and martin talked about things that have been on my mind fer a while
i dun even know if we ended the conversation on a good note,
i dunt know if its okay to text him tomorrow,
i dont know if were ever gonna talk again.
its obvious that i was just a back up.
he practically told me so.
the way he makes everything sound,
its like... i dunno.
i just have high doubts in us ever getting back together
and at this point i dont even care.
like im just so done, waiting around,
waiting fer my heart get broken.
thats all im really doing,
just waiting around for him to wake up and realize
that he never loved me,
and that hes done with him.
nmaybe its better it ended this way.
everythings out on the table,
nothings left inside of me to say to him,
and now, im okay to move on without feeling guilty.
when my mom gets home im gonna talk to her about
going to the district offices and let me transfer
to McCallum high
possibly not my freshman year
but fer sure sophomore and up.
i just want to go to a school thatll actually get me further in life.
like im not doing anything with Tech.
so why would i go to New TECH ?!
Mccallums got a great arts program so i mean
why not just go there right??!
*****************
Brianna**