Im so....- Brianna

Im so... desperate right now. -_-
I totally hate this feelings man.
And especially over this break ive realized how badly i need someone to take up my time.
I mean think about it. My best friends are: Isaac, Oscar, Haley, Lexi, Nilsa, and Cesi.
Isaac: dating a junior
Oscar: Busy writing and basically has a line of girls waiting for him.
Haley: dating CJ
Lexi: Basically dating Garza.
Nilsa: Has loooads of time with friends
Cesi: dating a junior.
everyone at my school is dating someon and its so blahhh.
I feel sooo desperate. Dude like i havent wanted a boyfriend this bad in suuch a long time -.- I hate this feeling.
makes me feel so needy and lame.
But i guess everyone feels like this at least once in their life.
What sucks though? I wouldnt date anyone in the freshman class i haate the sophomores, dont talk to many juniors, and the only senior i know, and would date, is going after a freshman... that i dont like much. I am NOT resorting to online dating. Everyone knows what thats done to my sister and i am not resorting to that. And on top of that, my friends trying to hook me up with a 21 year old!! like iwould actually date someone that much older than me. as a freshmen i wouldnt date anyone older than a senior, or younger than a freshman. And im soooo picky D: with everything! I hate it i mean i understand standards but i take that to extreme! or maybe the boys these days are just plain stupid. Like Oscar wouldnt date him because hes, in all honesty, a douche. Very cocky. hes my best friend and i love the boy, but just not my type. So now that ive ranted on and on about how badly i want a boyfriend, its time to get my sorry ass off this chair, and go out with my grandparents. Im dying my hair again, rederr (: Maybe itll help me with my little problem here.

... - Lauren

I miss being Happy.

Sister and boys- Brianna

Oscar: Oh lord. My best friend. The best friend anyone could ask for. Hes always there for me, i could text him at four in the morning and hed reply asap. i could tell him i was lonely and hed call me and make me smile. Hes so..perfect. Dude im slowly falling for this boy. i dont want to. Best friends going out NEVER works. Perfect example: Martin. I dont want what happened with him to happen to Oscar, ever. i want Oscar in my life forever. No joke. best friend, boyfriend, husband, and i dont care. Hes the only one that can make me laugh when im sad or mad, hes the only one that i tell everything to. If he leaves,who do i turn to? I know that i have lexi and nilsa, but theyre so far away and its hard for us to make plans. me and Oscar are like "lets chill" "when ans where" its that easy for us. Thats the main reason i count on him the most. I loove him to death. Ugh it drives me insane how perfect we are for each other! like on our date?! He was a toootal gentleman! Opened doors, let me in/out first, walked on the correct side of me *yes theres a correct side to stand on* he walked me to the door, said hello to my family, kissed me goodbye, and to this day *almost a week later* he doesnt stop telling me how pretty i looked or how it was one of his favorite memories of 2010. we have the same taste in most music, style of clothes the opposite sex should wear, life, how to act, how a guy should treat a guy, how a girl should treat a guy, difference between lady and a girl, difference between a boy and a man, and we both agree that we would be really cute together. why arent we? ask him. I dont ask guys out. We call each other baby and babe occasionally, weve gone out on a date, talking about a second one, he showers me with compliments, tells me he loves me, and that im a great person, and blah blah blah, wheres the "brianna, will you go out with me?" where?! I hate to say it, but im waiting for it. I dont want to. At all. i want to go back to being just best friends. no feelings towards him.He told me he thinks he treats me like a girlfriend. I dont disagree, but i dont think its so wrong either. We're best friends you know? And hes a guy and im a girl, of course were gonna treat each other like a couple, its how it works sometimes. most of the times. and aside from that its normal for people to think we should go out, they think theres something there when really were just best friends.
Man, I dont even know whats going on in my life. Like life is sooo complicated. It's hard to see wahts really important whats not. So I think this blog post is gonna be reaaaalllllyyy long. and im just gonna go on and on about whats going on in my head, whats going on at school, home, ect.
So im in desperate need of a sister. A real sister. Like one that cares about me. and who'll listen to me, and talk to me, and *this might sound soo lame but* play with me. you know, joke with me, hang out, be my best friend. I dont have that. I dont even really consider her a sister. shes just related to me. Thats all. No "oh yeah this is my big amazing awesome sister" No, "Yeah we're related." thats it. Last night i told her i needed to talk to her about some important things and she replied "Well hurry cause im about to go play Fable" so i told her id talk to her tomorrow. I didnt. she hasnt asked. Honestly, i know she could care less. My mom thinks shes on drugs.. am i surprised? No. I do too. I found birth control in her wallet today.. again, am i surprised? Not at all. Disappointed? a bit more than slightly. Its whatever. I dont wanna jump to cunclussions... except whenever ANYONE finds birth control, first thoughts? yeah i thought so. and i mean i know that it helps make your period more chilled, but knowing my sister, she could care less about a chilled period.
My moms been pissing me off lately. Like i was suppsoed to get the new ipod touch for Christmas if i had 50 dollars. guess who got 80? Well she told me that the money should go towards something i need instead of something i want. i see her point, but im a kid, money never goes to what i need, and Christmas isnt when you get it if it ever does. If it was my birthday money, id think it over a lot more.
Second thing: My birthday. this year, im gonna be 15. a big deal to mexicans. I dont want a HUUUGE party, but i dont want a typical dinner with the family. Im looking at more of a dinner at Cannoli Joes then an after party at my house. Nothing huge, but its something. Friends and family could all be there, not to expensive, and still loads of fun. Anyways, so my mom hasnt started saving and its like i know we have 10 months, but these things take loads of money, which we seem to have none of. this time last year we had my sisters, we started planning hers before my birthday. My moms not to worried about mine. Not sure if its because she knows i dont want anything to big, or because she knows we cant afford anything to big, or because she could cae less. Doubt its the third one but you never know.
Marcos. Hot senior. Not gonna lie, he is pretty hot. But I dont like him any more. Like i guess it was just a tiny crush. After he told me about the girl he likes, i got over it. I'm glad i did too cause i felt a bit to attached anyways. Althogh ive only known him for like 3 months, ive gone through a lot with him. Surprisingly i have. Ive gone through more with him than with any other boy. Not emotionally but still. I think i changed for him. I mean not all just for him but for the most part. Im a bit disappointed in myself but its to late to take it back, just gotta learn from that mistake. I had fun while it lasted though, i dont really regret much. infact i think its safe to say i dont regret anything ive done with him, or said to him. It was flattering i suppose. I just hope I think the same when he gets around me at school. its easier said than done though.. Oh well whatever.

Disappointed - Lauren

Call me a fool, but I had hoped when I told Montanna to just go without me on the 'adventure' we had been planning today because my dad wanted me home by six (and we wouldn't have enough time if I had to be back), I thought maybe they would show up anyway and make me stop wallowing. Or at least Montanna would text me back after i said that. Guess I was wrong. Funny that. Maybe people really don't care anymore.

Confused. :/ - Lauren

So... He came back last night. And I'm pretty sure I still like him.
Do you know that feeling when you look up to try to look at someone sneakily and you aren't sure if you caught them looking at you or they caught you looking at them? Well it happened a lot. I don't know if he saw me looking and looked, or if I saw him... >///<

I wish I could just be happy about it.
I'm too busy being restricted by my dad to even be happy I like him (or upset I like him, either way I suppose. ><)
I just feel like crap all the time.
I need to get out of here...
Only six more months. Then I can move in with Montanna and deal with her shit.
But I don't have anywhere else to go.

I'm not feeling the christmas spirit so much this year... Which is really sad because I love the holidays. I miss it.
No one seems to care anymore.
I'm tired of fighting everything.

Dude- Brianna

I feel sooo troppy.
Like my head hurts,
everythings annoying me
im a bit out of it,
and i dont even know why.
i think its because im getting sick.
im REALLY hoping its becuase im gettign sick
and not because of last night
nothing bad happened,
bnothing bad at all.
it was really fun actually.
And so i just got an ear ache.
Its deffinetly because im sick
or the naproxen i took.
Perscribed i swear,
lus its just like advil only stronfer.
if anything.
Anywys im going out with oscar tonight so should be fun.
wish me lucj

Melancholy... Part Two - Lauren

Here's part two of my weird mood. I have brother issues. I do. For several different reasons.

ONE. He's kindof a man whore. He flirts and is hit on by every girl (and some guys) in the room, he loves the attention and is always all over them, he has only been broken up with his girlfriend a week and he already has girls lined up doe eyed and pretty begging for his attention. And I loved this girlfriend. She was actually good for him, she made him stop cutting, and his reason for dumping her? She was saying I love you and he wasn't sure he was ready to say it yet, but was anyway, so he couldn't lie anymore, and dumped her. It's Freaking ridiculous. his current main interest (from what we can tell) is a ridiculous girl from scare I can't stand - she's an attention whore and a drama head, and will start shit left and right and I want nothing to do with her.

TWO. He's going down all the wrong paths in his life and people are encouraging him. He's Bi because it's popular and the 'emo' thing to do. He's embracing the sulky dark asshole side of himself that we hate, (He actually refused to do a little favor for dad yesterday because - and I quote - "I'm just an asshole.") and doing things he really shouldn't. I love my brother, but I can't stand him. He won't put his phone down, and when we were putting up the Christmas tree i felt bad that he was all grumpy and wouldn't put his phone down long enough to help me, I told him as such, and he didn't give a shit. I love the holidays, people are happier and nicer, except everyone seems to be going through so much shit this year... I feel like I'm losing my Christmas spirit. Instead of looking at the tree and feeling happy or excited, I look at it and want to cry. I try my damnedest to be there and help people, and keep them happy, and it all seems to amount to nothing. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit about anyone else. It makes me feel like giving up. I don't ask for anything hard, I don't ask to be recognized for all the SHIT I do for my friends and the people I care about, no matter how nice that would be, I don't ask for everyone to love me or to all get along, I just want people to try. Try to be Happy. Try to get along. Try to be decent to each other and (more importantly in a lot of ways) themselves. No one wants to try, and I'm getting seriously tired of pushing.

THREE. I kind of have issues spending time with him, for different reasons than you might think. I go to hang out with my friends, and they always ask where he is, why didn't I bring him, etc. etc. I love that my friends love my brother, but I feel like when he's around... no one even looks twice at me. he's so much more... aggressive in a way with people than i am. he makes people listen to him. I'm quieter. I like people to choose to care about what I say. But the problem is... They don't. I try to participate in a discussion in a group of people and I am always talked over and ignored. No one thinks twice that I might have things to say or that I might want to be heard. but I do. I really do. I feel like my friends would all pick my brother over me in a heartbeat and wouldn't think twice that I might be hurt by it. Plus certain friends are encouraging him down paths I really would like them to NOT encourage him down. giving him a cigarette and then apologizing to me when I couldn't be there anymore and had to wait in the car because "I know where he is in his life and I sympathize" really doesn't cut it. The only way to sympathize with him is to drug him? I don't understand how that is supposed to help him. No one cares how I feel about anything. I hid in the car from the cigarette smoke and the fact that my brother was one of the three producing it, and so they follow me to the car and smoke right next to me. Don't you think there was a reason I was in the car? I wanted away from this shit. I just... I feel like the world around me is going to shit and I don't want to live like this anymore. But I don't have a choice.
I don't know what to do anymore... I need help, but don't know where to look.

Melancholy... Part One - Lauren

I've been in a rather dark mood for the last week or so. I can't seem to get all the way awake or all the way happy. Since last Sunday night when everything blew up with one of my closest friends. Watching a very long term relationship entirely self destruct is really hard when you get to sit in the parking lot waiting for it to happen and completely helpless. I hate being helpless. A lot. I just... I won't go into details for her sake, but it was really bad at the time, she got kicked out of her apartment, and was supposed to move all her shit out and get out, except she's still there now and it's been a week. She keeps up appearances like she hates being there and wants to get out, but I know she doesn't. She hates how he is to her, but I'm pretty sure she thinks she deserves it. She said in the car last night "I think I have no choice, I think I have to hate myself." And that really hurt, I feel like she's slowly imploding and I can't do anything to help her, because she won't let me. I can give her all the fucking advice in the world and she still goes home every night and sleeps in the same bed as this asshole who kicks her out every couple months. I'm really seriously worried about her, she talks constantly about how she is too stressed, and when last night I said she needed to be less stressed she told me the least stressed option was death. I responded with "Not for everyone else." and she told me that it would probably only be like a month before everyone forgot about her. I know for a fact that she is wrong. If I care enough about her to more than likely live with her when I graduate (assuming she doesn't do something really stupid or move to Ireland and refuse to come home) I sure as hell would mind if she killed herself. I don't... I don't know how to deal with her. she makes me feel so helpless and useless, she won't let me help, and I don't know what to do with that. I just... I miss us being happy. hell, I miss just me being happy. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of frowning/ I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of freaking out when I miss a text because It could be the message where she's freaking out. I'm just... Tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Soo- Brianna

So things are good and bad right now.
Not complaining,
just getting things off my chest.
So I dont know if i ever really liked Marcos,
just flattered a senior knew i existed,
if that makes sense.
Or maybe i did,
but it was definitely just a little crush.
Today he told me hes gonna ask this girl out.
Kinda bummed but not so much as i thought i would be.
So its a good ish thing.
Bad? I think im starting to fall for Oscar.
OSCAR!
Hes my best guy friend i cant start liking him.
We kissed.
it was just a kiss,
nothing more.
it ment nothing,
so why am i still hung up over it?
why was i expecting more from him last night when we saw each other?
Why?
The even better news? I get two and a half weeks away from everything.
No oscar, no marcos, and no isaac, and no drama, and nothing.
nothing but my real friends and family.
the best news of all? Sunday night, me and nilsa <3 together for the first time since October!
Tuesday? Lexi might come over,
Wednesday? Going to a resort with shelby for the day.
Friday? Christmas Eve.
Saturday? Christmas day <3
ive got loads to look forward to and these little bits that are bumming me out
wont last much longer.
I hope

Oh, My, Goodness. - Brianna

Life is great right now.
I mean theres tons i can complain about,
but id rather not.
Like, with all thats good thats hitting me right now,
its all worht putting up with a little bit of shit every now and then.
So Tomorrow is my last day as a burnette
On friday after my doctors appointment, im dying it,
then heading back to school to flash it(:
Just kidding,
but yeah im reaally excited, and scared at the same time
Like im excited for the new hair color,
but im scared its not gonna come out the way i want it too.
But i suppose itll all be worth it.
And besides:
LEARNING EXPERIANCE.
So On friday, im going to a middle school dance
it sounds a tad lame but i mean
i absolutely miss all of my New Eighth Graders,
and im reallly excited to see them.
PLUUUUUSSSS
I might FINALLY
get to see nilsa,
she might go with me, and then spend the night at my house.
i havent seen her since we crashed the last middle school dance(:
Oh me and my friends and our crashing of middle school dances(:
its pretty amazing.
Senior.
OHMYGOD
I think i die a little every time i see him starring at me,
or when he texts me at exactly 8 on mondays and thursdays because he knows i have practice til then,
or how in PE....
Oh god PE..
I just started smiling to myself(:
Yesterday was just great.
i loved it
Like i dont even wanna repeat what happened because if i do,
its gonna leave my memory.
This boy...
Like okay,
every morning i catch him looking at me,
and one day i asked him if he saw me do something and i saw him looking at me,
and he goes "no"
:D
Hes denying starring at me,
he pulls me in to give me hugs,
he puts his hands on my waist,
he gets this (-) close to holding my hand,
and im pretty sure if we were alone,
at least SOMETHING would happen
It excites me(:

Conflicted... - Lauren

So, the guy whom I liked is moving back. I'm really excited from a friend point of view, I missed him, but from another point of view I am entirely conflicted... I am not sure as of yet if I still like him, but I know I like him more than a good portion of my male friends. For a while a big thing in my mind against dating him was the whole religious thing, but we actually had a religious talk the other day, and his views aren't as weird as I thought they would be, and he was more okay with me being an atheist than I thought he would be. But... there still lies the one remaining hurdle that puts me off a little. Anytime I talk about my best friend he kind of clams up. My Lesbian best friend. And I talk about her an awful lot. I really don't know how to feel... but with the talks we've been having I hope that I can eventually get to the root and find out why, because maybe then it can be changed to where he can at least be vaguely comfortable with it. That, and he doesn't date anymore than I do, and I've been told why Montanna thinks that is, but I want to find out from him. I hope I can, because I do like him, and even if not for me, I'd like to be able to help him for the future...
But I suppose I want to help me too..? I just haven't figured out the best way to do that yet...

Catch up(:- Brianna

Dying my hair:
Its a go(:
my mom finally said it was up to my grandpa,
and my doctor.
I talked to my grandpa
since i brought it up to him,
he said hed let me do it.
My doctor: well hes gonna say everythings fine,
and ill be able to do it.
So im dying my hair :D
Light Intense Auburn R3
Google it(:
Im pretty excited :D
Marcos:
All i have to say is read this conversation:
Marcos:Do me.
Me:Thats not the correct way to ask a question sir :P
Marcos:fine.... fuck me? :P
Me:nope try agian
Marcos:let me put my d*** in your p****? i have more ways to phrase it
Me:well were gona have to go down that list til you get it right
Marcos: can i insert my penis into your vagina thus having sexual intercourse?
Me:try again
Marcos:damn....wanna have sex?
Me:once more
Marcos:what the correct way?!?
Me:i dont know just wanted you to beg me for it :P
Marcos:fuck me then :P
Me:no
Marcos:bout to make a rape case...O.o
Seniors. what do you do with them :P
Ahaha i love how we can joke about sexual things and not let it get werid
like yesterday in i go
"if its in your face you always have to eat it!"
And he goe s"ill remember that tonight"
its pretty amazing.
Two of our favorite words right now are Penis and Vagina,
its pretty great.
You always have to close a door to have another open right?
Well i think thats what i did with martin
got him out of my life,
and got an even better guy friend than he could ever be.
Its not like i dont talk to him any more,
but i know that Malanies his main priority right now,
its his mistake let him make it,
hes paying the consequences right now so its all good.
So speaking of Marcos,
with him i always have to see if hes making a perv joke or not,
right now he said
"you want it to much jeez"
and i go
"the movie or something else?"
with him you never know :P