Well I think my dad just rid me of any way to ever do anything. He's just enlisted me and my brother Every Saturday for the foreseeable future to clean up the garage, and we have Epic Rehearsals (like a live action D&D game improvised on stage) Sundays for the foreseeable future... Weekdays I have school and homework... and somewhere in there I am still supposed to make a resume, find a job, store money, sort my stuff, plan moving out in june or july, learn to master my crappy Serger and make costumes almost entirely myself for Epic, Apply for scholarships and student aide because we're broke as hell and I don't have anything saved up...The list goes on...... I just don't know how I'm supposed to do all this... And have a life. Apparently I don't get to have one. I don't know how to do all of this, nor do I know how to go about doing ANY of this... Shit... I'm just so confused and I wish I had time to have a life amongst all of this shit. We just got into a big... not fight exactly, but rude disagreement and Dad keeps accusing me of having no ambition and not caring enough about my life to do anything, but really all this scares the shit out of me and I don't know how to do it, and he said in there without me having to say it that parents love more than anything for their kids to ask them for help, but then he goes on about how there's no time and how he's always so tired, and how his life is sooo much busier and more important than anything I do... and I wasn't going to start the fight because i know it has to happen and the house has to get clean, but he started it anyway then got all pissed when I couldn't just be all cheerful about my entire life going away and all the shit everyone expects of me in the next few months... sometimes i feel like everyone wants so much for me, but unless i'm doing something for them I don't matter. and they want me to do things, they give me an end result but don't bother telling me how to get there. Like giving someone an address in a city they've never been to and telling them to get there without a map... I don't know how to do this... I really don't. I really could use some help but don't know where to go or who to ask.
and I can't get my best friend to talk to me at all, and I don't know how to convince her she needs friends who don't want to get into her pants or vice versa... Girlfriend or no. Rae and I were talking about how much it sucks that we couldn't get sam to talk to the two remaining people who still gave a real shit about her, but now Sam is talking to her..... And Amanda... WTFFF?? and my brother... and it seems like everyone but me. I don't know how to live my life without her and i seriously feel like i'm losing her... I don't know how to be best friends with someone who won't talk to you and lives 8 hours away so you can't just show up and demand they talk to you... I don't know how to do this..... I really don't...
On a different side entirely, I still freaking like him and was up till two talking to him last night... I missed that. though i'm totally exhausted today. Dad keeps sideways mentioning to me that he's "not so secretly rooting for him to ask me out" and he has no idea that when he says that it digs into my chest and i feel like crying. He needs to learn that i'm not single because i want to be. I'm single because no one has given a shit to ask me out. Or really to even try. And that sucks. A lot. it hurts, and i feel like giving up entirely sometimes except that i'm a complete hopeless romantic and don't know how else to feel...
I don't know... I need help... but don't know where to go...
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Friday, January 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Disappointed - Lauren
Call me a fool, but I had hoped when I told Montanna to just go without me on the 'adventure' we had been planning today because my dad wanted me home by six (and we wouldn't have enough time if I had to be back), I thought maybe they would show up anyway and make me stop wallowing. Or at least Montanna would text me back after i said that. Guess I was wrong. Funny that. Maybe people really don't care anymore.
Confused. :/ - Lauren
So... He came back last night. And I'm pretty sure I still like him.
Do you know that feeling when you look up to try to look at someone sneakily and you aren't sure if you caught them looking at you or they caught you looking at them? Well it happened a lot. I don't know if he saw me looking and looked, or if I saw him... >///<
I wish I could just be happy about it.
I'm too busy being restricted by my dad to even be happy I like him (or upset I like him, either way I suppose. ><)
I just feel like crap all the time.
I need to get out of here...
Only six more months. Then I can move in with Montanna and deal with her shit.
But I don't have anywhere else to go.
I'm not feeling the christmas spirit so much this year... Which is really sad because I love the holidays. I miss it.
No one seems to care anymore.
I'm tired of fighting everything.
Do you know that feeling when you look up to try to look at someone sneakily and you aren't sure if you caught them looking at you or they caught you looking at them? Well it happened a lot. I don't know if he saw me looking and looked, or if I saw him... >///<
I wish I could just be happy about it.
I'm too busy being restricted by my dad to even be happy I like him (or upset I like him, either way I suppose. ><)
I just feel like crap all the time.
I need to get out of here...
Only six more months. Then I can move in with Montanna and deal with her shit.
But I don't have anywhere else to go.
I'm not feeling the christmas spirit so much this year... Which is really sad because I love the holidays. I miss it.
No one seems to care anymore.
I'm tired of fighting everything.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Nothing at all - Lauren
I love how during the school year, it seems like everything happens, than kindof simultaneously nothing worth posting about happens at all. XD
I've had quite a busy weekend, I went right after school yesterday to go get Dylan from her house so we could be ready when my dad got home to leave for the SCARE for a CURE benefit concert, where we drove around for an hour on the wrong side of the highway trying to find the freakin place, to almost be not let in. Me and Dylan had no form of ID, so they were -thiiis- close to just denying us entry, Leanna threw a fit, she was so angry, Jarrett was trying to appease both sides (to little effect) and eventually some other guys came up and said we could go in as long as we were marked and he showed us to the bartenders so they knew not to sell us anything. >< Not like we would. D8 But yeah. XD After we got in an hour late Dylan and I got the fun job of watching the free food table (and the tip jar residing on it) and re-organizing the pizza. XD It was a pretty fun night, We took a lot of silly pictures, Dylan and I got attacked by the Zombie Invasion, I got attacked by Jim and Rowan, and I now have some blood on my Scare shirt. lol. It was a pretty cool night, but the crowd was sad, and I couldn't distinguish anything but loud from the bands that played except for Fulton Read, which wasn't bad. P= they had all the zombies come up and preform with them on stage after their third song. =3
Then today Dylan, Dad and I (she spent the night) ran a bunch of errands, Now I'm baking for Montanna's birthday party tomorrow and the Scare Auditions we're going to right after that. =) Crazy busy.
In other news, My best friend Sam has contacted me of her own accord twice in that many days, so I'm happy. =D She texted me earlier just to say she loves me, and when I told her I loved her too and was sorry for passing out last night, she said "It's fine Hun. Just wanted to make sure someone told you they loved you today. ^^"
<333 I love my best friend so much. :,D
I've had quite a busy weekend, I went right after school yesterday to go get Dylan from her house so we could be ready when my dad got home to leave for the SCARE for a CURE benefit concert, where we drove around for an hour on the wrong side of the highway trying to find the freakin place, to almost be not let in. Me and Dylan had no form of ID, so they were -thiiis- close to just denying us entry, Leanna threw a fit, she was so angry, Jarrett was trying to appease both sides (to little effect) and eventually some other guys came up and said we could go in as long as we were marked and he showed us to the bartenders so they knew not to sell us anything. >< Not like we would. D8 But yeah. XD After we got in an hour late Dylan and I got the fun job of watching the free food table (and the tip jar residing on it) and re-organizing the pizza. XD It was a pretty fun night, We took a lot of silly pictures, Dylan and I got attacked by the Zombie Invasion, I got attacked by Jim and Rowan, and I now have some blood on my Scare shirt. lol. It was a pretty cool night, but the crowd was sad, and I couldn't distinguish anything but loud from the bands that played except for Fulton Read, which wasn't bad. P= they had all the zombies come up and preform with them on stage after their third song. =3
Then today Dylan, Dad and I (she spent the night) ran a bunch of errands, Now I'm baking for Montanna's birthday party tomorrow and the Scare Auditions we're going to right after that. =) Crazy busy.
In other news, My best friend Sam has contacted me of her own accord twice in that many days, so I'm happy. =D She texted me earlier just to say she loves me, and when I told her I loved her too and was sorry for passing out last night, she said "It's fine Hun. Just wanted to make sure someone told you they loved you today. ^^"
<333 I love my best friend so much. :,D
Monday, September 13, 2010
Ho Shizz... - Lauren
Lyn and Ashley nearly beat the shit out of eachother today.
WE were all hanging out in the hallway like normal, and all of a sudden we hear the two of them screaming at eachother, Lyn kept calling Ashley (my brother's girlfriend) a Cunt, and Ashley was being a bit more creative, but Lyn always just came back with the same thing.
But... It was really frikking funny. Lyn... Everyone's like, afraid of her, but when they finally came to blows, She flailed at Ashley and bruised her a little bit on the bridge of her nose, and Ashley actually threw punches and Split her lip. ^_^;; I just love how much of a wimp Lyn actually is, and how BA Ashley actually is. XD It's pretty-much awesome. =D
SO yeah, there's that for you. :O
On another note completely, I always thought I'd never want to move out of my house ever, but I'm getting real sick of the testosterone that seeps from every molecule of this house. People think girls are moody. HA! My brother's an emo, my uncle's a hermit, and I recently witnessed my 44 year old dad throw a temper tantrum of sorts this weekend. I would like a little less MALE invading every waking moment of my home life. O.o And slightly more Male in the romance department would be awesome. ><
On another entirely different note, I can't wait for SCARE This year! =D So many friends from completely different groups coming together should be interesting. I've known rowan upwards of 6 years or so, I've only known Montanna about a year though it feels like forever and we're super awesome, I've known Nilsa two years and we're LEGIT as Ben would say. This should be fun. XD
WE were all hanging out in the hallway like normal, and all of a sudden we hear the two of them screaming at eachother, Lyn kept calling Ashley (my brother's girlfriend) a Cunt, and Ashley was being a bit more creative, but Lyn always just came back with the same thing.
But... It was really frikking funny. Lyn... Everyone's like, afraid of her, but when they finally came to blows, She flailed at Ashley and bruised her a little bit on the bridge of her nose, and Ashley actually threw punches and Split her lip. ^_^;; I just love how much of a wimp Lyn actually is, and how BA Ashley actually is. XD It's pretty-much awesome. =D
SO yeah, there's that for you. :O
On another note completely, I always thought I'd never want to move out of my house ever, but I'm getting real sick of the testosterone that seeps from every molecule of this house. People think girls are moody. HA! My brother's an emo, my uncle's a hermit, and I recently witnessed my 44 year old dad throw a temper tantrum of sorts this weekend. I would like a little less MALE invading every waking moment of my home life. O.o And slightly more Male in the romance department would be awesome. ><
On another entirely different note, I can't wait for SCARE This year! =D So many friends from completely different groups coming together should be interesting. I've known rowan upwards of 6 years or so, I've only known Montanna about a year though it feels like forever and we're super awesome, I've known Nilsa two years and we're LEGIT as Ben would say. This should be fun. XD
Friday, August 13, 2010
Life Hits You- Brianna
i know i always say "things happen fer a reason"
but really ??
something THIS big ?!
it isnt necessary.
i simply dont understand why it had to happen
and to us ??
and now ?!
this came at the worst time possible !
ive come to realize that you cant always be strong,
and that its okay to break down,
wanna know how i found this out ?
Life hit me.
it hit me right in the face
and it left marks.
marks that are gonna be permanent.
a few nights ago,
my dad called my mom,
apperently,
his girlfriend accused him of assault.
did he really hit her?
who knows i wasnt there,
but if he did, im not surprised.
well, anyways, he was arrested fer like 2 days,
and when he went back to work,
they fired him.
No more child support.
my moms thinking about cutting down our mins to 1000 a month *not bad*
and taking off texting.
like now that schools starting,
maybe its not such a bad idea,
but like still,
the reason why its happening is driving me crazy.
when my mom told me i got mad
she asked "are you upset that he got arrested or because he got fired"
honestly ?
its because he got fired.
he doesnt realize how important those $300 a month are to us.
he thinks we should get one check,
and thats it.
then hes done paying.
and theres nothing we can do about it.
isnt that like... crazy ??
my mom made a huge mistake getting married to him.
she deserved so much better.
is it bad that some times i blame my mom fer not having both parents ?
like i alwasy think,
that if she wouldve married Jake,
or just about any one else,
things would be better.
i mean i know i shouldnt blame her,
but sometimes its just like..
thoughts .
i dunno.
thats exactly why,
i dont plan on getting married til after college,
after im settled in in life,
after i get my degree,
so that if anything between me and my husband happens,
i have something to back me up.
me and possibly some kids.
and i know im not in any rush to get married,
so ill take my time and know that i really wanna be with this guy,
for the rest of my days.
but really ??
something THIS big ?!
it isnt necessary.
i simply dont understand why it had to happen
and to us ??
and now ?!
this came at the worst time possible !
ive come to realize that you cant always be strong,
and that its okay to break down,
wanna know how i found this out ?
Life hit me.
it hit me right in the face
and it left marks.
marks that are gonna be permanent.
a few nights ago,
my dad called my mom,
apperently,
his girlfriend accused him of assault.
did he really hit her?
who knows i wasnt there,
but if he did, im not surprised.
well, anyways, he was arrested fer like 2 days,
and when he went back to work,
they fired him.
No more child support.
my moms thinking about cutting down our mins to 1000 a month *not bad*
and taking off texting.
like now that schools starting,
maybe its not such a bad idea,
but like still,
the reason why its happening is driving me crazy.
when my mom told me i got mad
she asked "are you upset that he got arrested or because he got fired"
honestly ?
its because he got fired.
he doesnt realize how important those $300 a month are to us.
he thinks we should get one check,
and thats it.
then hes done paying.
and theres nothing we can do about it.
isnt that like... crazy ??
my mom made a huge mistake getting married to him.
she deserved so much better.
is it bad that some times i blame my mom fer not having both parents ?
like i alwasy think,
that if she wouldve married Jake,
or just about any one else,
things would be better.
i mean i know i shouldnt blame her,
but sometimes its just like..
thoughts .
i dunno.
thats exactly why,
i dont plan on getting married til after college,
after im settled in in life,
after i get my degree,
so that if anything between me and my husband happens,
i have something to back me up.
me and possibly some kids.
and i know im not in any rush to get married,
so ill take my time and know that i really wanna be with this guy,
for the rest of my days.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Why Now ?-Brianna
Why not when i was 2
why not when you and mom were married
why not when i needed you ?
why you you leave yer kids in the first place?
a divorce i dont care about
things happen fer a reason
sometimes it just doesnt work out.
but not even wanting yer kids in yer life?!
thats just.. crazy
thats a part of you.
and to not care if theyre okay or not
it blows my mind.
When you have three kids,
who need you the most,
and you just walk out of their lives,
and when yer two little girls need a dad growing up
to be that protective man in their life,
to have an example of how a boyfriend should treat you,
and to know what true love looks like,
and you just leave...
to me, its just as bad as murder.
you kill that little piece of hope in yer kids life,
you kill a little piece of their mother,
and if the mother inst financially fit,
you kill their future.
so out of a girls life she needs her father between the ages of 3-13
and on her wedding day
guess what ?
my dad left when i was 2,
and now when im one month from being 14,
he tries to talk to me...
over facebook.
whenever he does that
i lie to him.
for example i put on my facebook about how i have to put up my phone by 9:30
he asked why
i said because schools starting soon.
why would i tell him the truth ?
he doesnt need to be in my life,
i dont need him in my life.
infact i dont WANT him in my life.
my point is, why is it that when i dont need you,
you try to come into my life,
and try to act as if nothing ever happened
last time i hung out with him i was two
last time i saw him i was 8.
i was scared,
and in the end,
he didnt even want to give me a hug.
does that explain to you how much we "ment" to him ??
so why now,
that all three of us can take care of ourselves
and dont need anyone to help us,
why now,
does he decide to talk to me ?
its pretty damn clear isnt it ?
why not when you and mom were married
why not when i needed you ?
why you you leave yer kids in the first place?
a divorce i dont care about
things happen fer a reason
sometimes it just doesnt work out.
but not even wanting yer kids in yer life?!
thats just.. crazy
thats a part of you.
and to not care if theyre okay or not
it blows my mind.
When you have three kids,
who need you the most,
and you just walk out of their lives,
and when yer two little girls need a dad growing up
to be that protective man in their life,
to have an example of how a boyfriend should treat you,
and to know what true love looks like,
and you just leave...
to me, its just as bad as murder.
you kill that little piece of hope in yer kids life,
you kill a little piece of their mother,
and if the mother inst financially fit,
you kill their future.
so out of a girls life she needs her father between the ages of 3-13
and on her wedding day
guess what ?
my dad left when i was 2,
and now when im one month from being 14,
he tries to talk to me...
over facebook.
whenever he does that
i lie to him.
for example i put on my facebook about how i have to put up my phone by 9:30
he asked why
i said because schools starting soon.
why would i tell him the truth ?
he doesnt need to be in my life,
i dont need him in my life.
infact i dont WANT him in my life.
my point is, why is it that when i dont need you,
you try to come into my life,
and try to act as if nothing ever happened
last time i hung out with him i was two
last time i saw him i was 8.
i was scared,
and in the end,
he didnt even want to give me a hug.
does that explain to you how much we "ment" to him ??
so why now,
that all three of us can take care of ourselves
and dont need anyone to help us,
why now,
does he decide to talk to me ?
its pretty damn clear isnt it ?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Everythings going down hill.-Brianna
things are so
bad
everythings wrong
its not supposed to be like this
were supposed to be friends
everythings supposed to be at least okay
but no.
its all wrong
today i started thinking about my dad.
partially because of nilsas post
but mostly because i told someone a secret about him
when i was supposed to move with him to Arizona
i ended up staying.
not because i didnt want to,
or it was too much,
or even because my mom convinced me to stay
but because he didnt want me to..
it hurt me so much when he told me up front
"i cant have kids ruining my life, even if they are mine"
i've never admitted to myself how much it hurt me until now.
until today.
until i realized how much guys tend to hurt me.
like i find it horrible that my dad doesnt know a single thing about me.
from the smallest things like
my favorite color,
or what i wanna be when i grow up
to the big stuff like
my age.
he doesnt remember how old i am.
like thats not okay
hes my dad,
yeah he wasnt there when i was born,
but im sure he got a call
like was i really that BIG of a mistake!?
and yeah, fer the first time,
ive finally admitted to myself,
and to everyone,
that i was the mistake child.
its not that big of a deal
but like it sucks knowing that
you were the kids the parents didnt really want.
im sure my moms greatful fer such amazing kids,
but still i always keep that in the back of my mind.
today me and martin talked about things that have been on my mind fer a while
i dun even know if we ended the conversation on a good note,
i dunt know if its okay to text him tomorrow,
i dont know if were ever gonna talk again.
its obvious that i was just a back up.
he practically told me so.
the way he makes everything sound,
its like... i dunno.
i just have high doubts in us ever getting back together
and at this point i dont even care.
like im just so done, waiting around,
waiting fer my heart get broken.
thats all im really doing,
just waiting around for him to wake up and realize
that he never loved me,
and that hes done with him.
nmaybe its better it ended this way.
everythings out on the table,
nothings left inside of me to say to him,
and now, im okay to move on without feeling guilty.
when my mom gets home im gonna talk to her about
going to the district offices and let me transfer
to McCallum high
possibly not my freshman year
but fer sure sophomore and up.
i just want to go to a school thatll actually get me further in life.
like im not doing anything with Tech.
so why would i go to New TECH ?!
Mccallums got a great arts program so i mean
why not just go there right??!
*****************
Brianna**
bad
everythings wrong
its not supposed to be like this
were supposed to be friends
everythings supposed to be at least okay
but no.
its all wrong
today i started thinking about my dad.
partially because of nilsas post
but mostly because i told someone a secret about him
when i was supposed to move with him to Arizona
i ended up staying.
not because i didnt want to,
or it was too much,
or even because my mom convinced me to stay
but because he didnt want me to..
it hurt me so much when he told me up front
"i cant have kids ruining my life, even if they are mine"
i've never admitted to myself how much it hurt me until now.
until today.
until i realized how much guys tend to hurt me.
like i find it horrible that my dad doesnt know a single thing about me.
from the smallest things like
my favorite color,
or what i wanna be when i grow up
to the big stuff like
my age.
he doesnt remember how old i am.
like thats not okay
hes my dad,
yeah he wasnt there when i was born,
but im sure he got a call
like was i really that BIG of a mistake!?
and yeah, fer the first time,
ive finally admitted to myself,
and to everyone,
that i was the mistake child.
its not that big of a deal
but like it sucks knowing that
you were the kids the parents didnt really want.
im sure my moms greatful fer such amazing kids,
but still i always keep that in the back of my mind.
today me and martin talked about things that have been on my mind fer a while
i dun even know if we ended the conversation on a good note,
i dunt know if its okay to text him tomorrow,
i dont know if were ever gonna talk again.
its obvious that i was just a back up.
he practically told me so.
the way he makes everything sound,
its like... i dunno.
i just have high doubts in us ever getting back together
and at this point i dont even care.
like im just so done, waiting around,
waiting fer my heart get broken.
thats all im really doing,
just waiting around for him to wake up and realize
that he never loved me,
and that hes done with him.
nmaybe its better it ended this way.
everythings out on the table,
nothings left inside of me to say to him,
and now, im okay to move on without feeling guilty.
when my mom gets home im gonna talk to her about
going to the district offices and let me transfer
to McCallum high
possibly not my freshman year
but fer sure sophomore and up.
i just want to go to a school thatll actually get me further in life.
like im not doing anything with Tech.
so why would i go to New TECH ?!
Mccallums got a great arts program so i mean
why not just go there right??!
*****************
Brianna**
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Life, For now - Lauren
So on Monday I went to Highland mall with Nilsa and Francesca, it was supposed to be a reunion of camp people... But the boys never showed up, so it was a girl's reunion. It was a lot of fun, a bit strange in the conversation flow, we would go from high pitched obnoxious laughter that chased everyone away from our awesomeness, to really deep important conversations. And it would fluctuate like that all day. P= The girls made me get my first casual dress since I was little (purplish pink and blackins gray tye-dye with a waistband in the middle - sale 7 bucks. XD), and my first pair of skinny jeans (white with gray kinda zebra stripes, but not really, and carefully planned rips - sale for 10 bucks lol.) I liked them both, but they insisted. XD Nilsa even said about the pants when I had tried them on with another shirt that the reason I hadn't gotten a date yet was because I didn't have that outfit. XD I didn't get the shirt, I firmly believe I need to be skinnier before I wear something that tight. =X but it was a fun day. Then instead of the movie we had planned on we retired to Nilsa's house, and we watched Ponyo which is an adorable movie. Then we were sad cuz Francesca went home, and she's moving to florida in a couple of days, and it's sad. Y-Y I ended up spending the night cuz by the time i got ahold of my dad it was late and he didn't want to get me, so I slept over and we had a strange semi-photoshoot cuz we felt like it. That was my first sleepover with Nilsa, and my first this summer. XD It was really fun, I had a great time.
Do you know that feeling where you know bad things happen in the world. They exist, you read stories about them. But... Until it happens to someone you know it never really sinks in how awful they are. I was in a weird mood all day yesterday because it was sinking in. Now nothing actually happened to my friend, but almost, and it's pretty damn scary to think about.
And now my dad just found a bag of my mothers makeup, (he asked me to take what I wanted and throw the rest away) and is clearly going to be in a weird mood all day and I still haven't gotten up the guts to increase his stress level even higher and tell him i found out my brother's sneaking out at night to go see his secret girlfriend... What am I to do..? =(
Do you know that feeling where you know bad things happen in the world. They exist, you read stories about them. But... Until it happens to someone you know it never really sinks in how awful they are. I was in a weird mood all day yesterday because it was sinking in. Now nothing actually happened to my friend, but almost, and it's pretty damn scary to think about.
And now my dad just found a bag of my mothers makeup, (he asked me to take what I wanted and throw the rest away) and is clearly going to be in a weird mood all day and I still haven't gotten up the guts to increase his stress level even higher and tell him i found out my brother's sneaking out at night to go see his secret girlfriend... What am I to do..? =(
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