Just Awesome... - Lauren

Well I think my dad just rid me of any way to ever do anything. He's just enlisted me and my brother Every Saturday for the foreseeable future to clean up the garage, and we have Epic Rehearsals (like a live action D&D game improvised on stage) Sundays for the foreseeable future... Weekdays I have school and homework... and somewhere in there I am still supposed to make a resume, find a job, store money, sort my stuff, plan moving out in june or july, learn to master my crappy Serger and make costumes almost entirely myself for Epic, Apply for scholarships and student aide because we're broke as hell and I don't have anything saved up...The list goes on...... I just don't know how I'm supposed to do all this... And have a life. Apparently I don't get to have one. I don't know how to do all of this, nor do I know how to go about doing ANY of this... Shit... I'm just so confused and I wish I had time to have a life amongst all of this shit. We just got into a big... not fight exactly, but rude disagreement and Dad keeps accusing me of having no ambition and not caring enough about my life to do anything, but really all this scares the shit out of me and I don't know how to do it, and he said in there without me having to say it that parents love more than anything for their kids to ask them for help, but then he goes on about how there's no time and how he's always so tired, and how his life is sooo much busier and more important than anything I do... and I wasn't going to start the fight because i know it has to happen and the house has to get clean, but he started it anyway then got all pissed when I couldn't just be all cheerful about my entire life going away and all the shit everyone expects of me in the next few months... sometimes i feel like everyone wants so much for me, but unless i'm doing something for them I don't matter. and they want me to do things, they give me an end result but don't bother telling me how to get there. Like giving someone an address in a city they've never been to and telling them to get there without a map... I don't know how to do this... I really don't. I really could use some help but don't know where to go or who to ask.

and I can't get my best friend to talk to me at all, and I don't know how to convince her she needs friends who don't want to get into her pants or vice versa... Girlfriend or no. Rae and I were talking about how much it sucks that we couldn't get sam to talk to the two remaining people who still gave a real shit about her, but now Sam is talking to her..... And Amanda... WTFFF?? and my brother... and it seems like everyone but me. I don't know how to live my life without her and i seriously feel like i'm losing her... I don't know how to be best friends with someone who won't talk to you and lives 8 hours away so you can't just show up and demand they talk to you... I don't know how to do this..... I really don't...

On a different side entirely, I still freaking like him and was up till two talking to him last night... I missed that. though i'm totally exhausted today.  Dad keeps sideways mentioning to me that he's "not so secretly rooting for him to ask me out" and he has no idea that when he says that it digs into my chest and i feel like crying. He needs to learn that i'm not single because i want to be. I'm single because no one has given a shit to ask me out. Or really to even try. And that sucks. A lot. it hurts, and i feel like giving up entirely sometimes except that i'm a complete hopeless romantic and don't know how else to feel...
I don't know... I need help... but don't know where to go...

Melancholy... Part One - Lauren

I've been in a rather dark mood for the last week or so. I can't seem to get all the way awake or all the way happy. Since last Sunday night when everything blew up with one of my closest friends. Watching a very long term relationship entirely self destruct is really hard when you get to sit in the parking lot waiting for it to happen and completely helpless. I hate being helpless. A lot. I just... I won't go into details for her sake, but it was really bad at the time, she got kicked out of her apartment, and was supposed to move all her shit out and get out, except she's still there now and it's been a week. She keeps up appearances like she hates being there and wants to get out, but I know she doesn't. She hates how he is to her, but I'm pretty sure she thinks she deserves it. She said in the car last night "I think I have no choice, I think I have to hate myself." And that really hurt, I feel like she's slowly imploding and I can't do anything to help her, because she won't let me. I can give her all the fucking advice in the world and she still goes home every night and sleeps in the same bed as this asshole who kicks her out every couple months. I'm really seriously worried about her, she talks constantly about how she is too stressed, and when last night I said she needed to be less stressed she told me the least stressed option was death. I responded with "Not for everyone else." and she told me that it would probably only be like a month before everyone forgot about her. I know for a fact that she is wrong. If I care enough about her to more than likely live with her when I graduate (assuming she doesn't do something really stupid or move to Ireland and refuse to come home) I sure as hell would mind if she killed herself. I don't... I don't know how to deal with her. she makes me feel so helpless and useless, she won't let me help, and I don't know what to do with that. I just... I miss us being happy. hell, I miss just me being happy. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of frowning/ I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of freaking out when I miss a text because It could be the message where she's freaking out. I'm just... Tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.