Life after School... - Lauren

I really have very little idea what to do with my life after school. At least some college at ACC sounds about right for me, a job, a car, but I have no idea how to go about any of this... and the only two people who have offered to help are my counselor who is super busy and spend a good 45 minutes last time I was in there complaining at me for my lack of direction and the fact that I haven't taken the SAT or anything... And The second... I just got a facebook message from none other than Amanda telling me how important college and a job is, and that she's willing to help me out if i need it.

I really don't understand why no one I would accept help from has offered, and one of maybe three or four people who I would turn it down from has offered... I'm honestly... Gah... If it was anyone else... But I really just can't stand to be around her anymore... She wore the shirt i made her this time last year today, and it honestly unsettled me. That solid reminder of what we used to be... and kindof the day I stopped liking her... I gave it to her as a valentines present since my brother had just dumped her and i figured she wouldn't have a valentine, but she had all this crap from Anysa that day as valentines presents... And I was rather put off. Seeing it again... Kinda sucked. I miss being friends with her, but not her as she is now. Her as she was. See when we were at the college fair she had won this giant seton medical clinic t-shirt, and gave it to me to fix up into something fun for her. I basically shredded the back and tied the ends, and sewed a felt wolf on the back above it (her nickname was wolfie) and had all of our friends sign the front or doodle something. that testament to how our friendship was... I miss it. But I just can't look at her without feeling like crap for believing it for so long.

I can't wait till I'm out of there. so much shit I won't have to deal with anymore... I just wish I knew what shit I will have to deal with... >< Stupid real life not having a rule book. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. Everyone seems to know but me...

Just Awesome... - Lauren

Well I think my dad just rid me of any way to ever do anything. He's just enlisted me and my brother Every Saturday for the foreseeable future to clean up the garage, and we have Epic Rehearsals (like a live action D&D game improvised on stage) Sundays for the foreseeable future... Weekdays I have school and homework... and somewhere in there I am still supposed to make a resume, find a job, store money, sort my stuff, plan moving out in june or july, learn to master my crappy Serger and make costumes almost entirely myself for Epic, Apply for scholarships and student aide because we're broke as hell and I don't have anything saved up...The list goes on...... I just don't know how I'm supposed to do all this... And have a life. Apparently I don't get to have one. I don't know how to do all of this, nor do I know how to go about doing ANY of this... Shit... I'm just so confused and I wish I had time to have a life amongst all of this shit. We just got into a big... not fight exactly, but rude disagreement and Dad keeps accusing me of having no ambition and not caring enough about my life to do anything, but really all this scares the shit out of me and I don't know how to do it, and he said in there without me having to say it that parents love more than anything for their kids to ask them for help, but then he goes on about how there's no time and how he's always so tired, and how his life is sooo much busier and more important than anything I do... and I wasn't going to start the fight because i know it has to happen and the house has to get clean, but he started it anyway then got all pissed when I couldn't just be all cheerful about my entire life going away and all the shit everyone expects of me in the next few months... sometimes i feel like everyone wants so much for me, but unless i'm doing something for them I don't matter. and they want me to do things, they give me an end result but don't bother telling me how to get there. Like giving someone an address in a city they've never been to and telling them to get there without a map... I don't know how to do this... I really don't. I really could use some help but don't know where to go or who to ask.

and I can't get my best friend to talk to me at all, and I don't know how to convince her she needs friends who don't want to get into her pants or vice versa... Girlfriend or no. Rae and I were talking about how much it sucks that we couldn't get sam to talk to the two remaining people who still gave a real shit about her, but now Sam is talking to her..... And Amanda... WTFFF?? and my brother... and it seems like everyone but me. I don't know how to live my life without her and i seriously feel like i'm losing her... I don't know how to be best friends with someone who won't talk to you and lives 8 hours away so you can't just show up and demand they talk to you... I don't know how to do this..... I really don't...

On a different side entirely, I still freaking like him and was up till two talking to him last night... I missed that. though i'm totally exhausted today.  Dad keeps sideways mentioning to me that he's "not so secretly rooting for him to ask me out" and he has no idea that when he says that it digs into my chest and i feel like crying. He needs to learn that i'm not single because i want to be. I'm single because no one has given a shit to ask me out. Or really to even try. And that sucks. A lot. it hurts, and i feel like giving up entirely sometimes except that i'm a complete hopeless romantic and don't know how else to feel...
I don't know... I need help... but don't know where to go...

Melancholy... Part One - Lauren

I've been in a rather dark mood for the last week or so. I can't seem to get all the way awake or all the way happy. Since last Sunday night when everything blew up with one of my closest friends. Watching a very long term relationship entirely self destruct is really hard when you get to sit in the parking lot waiting for it to happen and completely helpless. I hate being helpless. A lot. I just... I won't go into details for her sake, but it was really bad at the time, she got kicked out of her apartment, and was supposed to move all her shit out and get out, except she's still there now and it's been a week. She keeps up appearances like she hates being there and wants to get out, but I know she doesn't. She hates how he is to her, but I'm pretty sure she thinks she deserves it. She said in the car last night "I think I have no choice, I think I have to hate myself." And that really hurt, I feel like she's slowly imploding and I can't do anything to help her, because she won't let me. I can give her all the fucking advice in the world and she still goes home every night and sleeps in the same bed as this asshole who kicks her out every couple months. I'm really seriously worried about her, she talks constantly about how she is too stressed, and when last night I said she needed to be less stressed she told me the least stressed option was death. I responded with "Not for everyone else." and she told me that it would probably only be like a month before everyone forgot about her. I know for a fact that she is wrong. If I care enough about her to more than likely live with her when I graduate (assuming she doesn't do something really stupid or move to Ireland and refuse to come home) I sure as hell would mind if she killed herself. I don't... I don't know how to deal with her. she makes me feel so helpless and useless, she won't let me help, and I don't know what to do with that. I just... I miss us being happy. hell, I miss just me being happy. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of frowning/ I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of freaking out when I miss a text because It could be the message where she's freaking out. I'm just... Tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Conflicted... - Lauren

So, the guy whom I liked is moving back. I'm really excited from a friend point of view, I missed him, but from another point of view I am entirely conflicted... I am not sure as of yet if I still like him, but I know I like him more than a good portion of my male friends. For a while a big thing in my mind against dating him was the whole religious thing, but we actually had a religious talk the other day, and his views aren't as weird as I thought they would be, and he was more okay with me being an atheist than I thought he would be. But... there still lies the one remaining hurdle that puts me off a little. Anytime I talk about my best friend he kind of clams up. My Lesbian best friend. And I talk about her an awful lot. I really don't know how to feel... but with the talks we've been having I hope that I can eventually get to the root and find out why, because maybe then it can be changed to where he can at least be vaguely comfortable with it. That, and he doesn't date anymore than I do, and I've been told why Montanna thinks that is, but I want to find out from him. I hope I can, because I do like him, and even if not for me, I'd like to be able to help him for the future...
But I suppose I want to help me too..? I just haven't figured out the best way to do that yet...