Hoorah! - Lauren

So, I went into Personal fitness today dreading doing anything physical, and even more, the weigh-in... And found out I lost 6 pounds since the last time I weighed myself! Yes! =D I'm not like... fat or anything, just Chubby, and so 6 pounds is a good start. =)
Also in Chamber Dr. Fish assigned us our third piece for the Fall Concert, Hotaru Koi. XD The one ever Chisholm kid hates because they had to do it so much, Kaely like... freaked out. X3 But I think it's really fun. It's a Japanese Childrens Song, and it's English Name is 'Ho, Dragonfly'. It's all syncopated, it's really amusing.
The homework I didn't do for Pre-Cal was postponed  till wednesday.
So... Today Didn't suck! =D Hoorah!

$$$-Brianna

Moneys tight
especially now with my dad not paying child support.
but i dunt just mean
not going out to eat
buying only what we need
and
not using the AC so much.
i mean TIGHT.
like my moms thinking about moving in with my grandparents.
a 3 bedroom house,
for 6 people.
i dunt think so.
so now shes thinking about moving to Hutto..
HUTTO !!!!
the ranch is five minutes from Hutto High school...
i dunt wanna leave new tech
as much as i hate where i live,
id rather live there then hutto !!
and shes not even taking time to think about it !
like my grnadpa was talking about moving in this weekend !!
i mean i loved when i lived with my grandparents when we first moved to Texas,
but i was 8.
me and my sister got along
and i didnt enjoy loud music.
blahhh :/
ughh
i hate this.
i dont wanna leave that house.
ive been there fer 5 years in december..
i dont wanna leave it
i mean i do but into a nicer and bigger house.
not into the one were gonna go to..
i just hate how everythings....
changing...
just like i said it was gonna in my last post :/
i just thought itd be people and friendships changing,
not my life.
but i know i have to keep my head high,
think positive,
and know everything will work out fer the best..

Never thought they'd be back - Lauren

So, everyone's got people they just aren't friends with anymore. But... There was one person for me, that the 'friendship' ended with them sortof ignoring me and then them telling me they thought that if They didn't say anything I'd just 'get the message' and move on, which didn't happen for a long time. It really hurt me and I was really changed by it. I finally did, and now they are back. One of my friends (they know who they are lol) has run into them. Brought up all the old thoughts and feelings I'd put away for good. See while I was finally over them, I apperantly am NOT over what they did and everything that happened. It hurt me too much, and is a big part of why I am who I am, not who I was. that person destroyed my whole view of the world as a good place and of people as being smart and kind (as I'd been very sheltered and not taught the lessons of the world normally.).
How do you forgive someone who's done that to you?
I'm pretty sure I can't.
But I don't know how to get over this so everytime they show up I don't go to pieces.

I'm gonna go hide in Final Fantasy Tactics (a video game I finally don't suck at) and think it over some more.
Thank whatever's out there for friends who care and listen, and won't get sick of hearing the story and how much you hurt.
Most of my friends are sick of it and don't care.
But I guess I know who My friends are. =/

This Person- Brianna

so high school...
im a fishy.
niner
freshmen
fresh meat
whatever you wanna call me.
the school im going to is hard,
but fun.
im in color guard,
so im pretty busy.
i know a lot of people at my school.
and i have every single class with my boyfriend.
so why am i complaining ?
what is it about this year,
that makes me feel like everythings gonna change.
and yes, i do mean EVERYTHING.
so ive known this person fer about 4 years now.
this person is alright if you get to know them.
this person can be really.. bitchy,
and this year *already*
im noticing that she can be a little...
not slutty,
but like.. idunno
theres a word that i used a million times last night,
that starts with a T
and its kinda like slut,
but not as bad.
like Skank..
only it started with a T..
but anyways. yeah.
so This person is pretty nice, smart, and junk.
but this person is friggin stupid.
and it makes me feel like this person is gonna make me repeat a lesson i shouldve already learned with someone else.
and if i have to repeat this lesson...
then its the last straw.
and never again will i repeat this lesson...
at least not with this person.
soo... thats about all thats on my mind.
sorry if this doesnt make any sense but ..
im not naming any names,
at least not here.

The Odd Thing about my Friends - Lauren

So, my first week of senior year was rather full of ups and downs. Chamber and Acap are awesome, I had my first day in Acapella (Top level Mixed Choir) today after getting my schedule changed from being in Kantori, where i was the last two years, and this year it's almost entirely freshmen. O.o But yeah. Acap is awesome because we sound amazing and I have people to talk to in that class, mostly Chris and JD, and also Sara and Morgan. X3 
my first day, as you read, sucked, but my second day was pretty good, then it was just like waves, I have no one to talk to on A-Days (with the sole light in the day of Chamber), it's really sad honestly. lol. But B-Days are pretty awesome, Except the EXTREMELY boring Earth and Space Science class I'm in to make up 1/2 a credit of science from things not counting freshman year due to my starting late (FAIL). I now have last lunch both days, at 2:00. I'm so hungry by the time lunch rolls around, it's not even funny. ><
I went to the first football game of the season today (0-17, Round Rock is so fail, somehow Midway beat us.) and Like... It was really awesome at first. Hanging out with the choir kids, singing, sounding awesome, (We sing the national anthem and Alma Mater at the game)... Then we get to the game after practice and such, we sing, it's awesome, we go up the corner where the choir kids usually sit, I was supposed to find Smoothie (Dylan. XD His nickname. lolz) but I couldn't, Sara and Morgan left, JD didn't go, and Chris tends to be super scatterbrained around other tenors. That's the thing about sitting with the choir kids. They're so distracted and obnoxious, if you're not super obnoxious too they tend to forget you're in existence, and that happened to me. I don't know all the Acap people yet, i mean... I know who they are form 4 years of choir, but I don't -know- them. I'm obnoxiously shy around people I don't know, and the Acap people are very almost... Cliquish? When I tried to talk I was often ignored or unheard. I ended up sitting alone halfway through the game and no one but Tina Clark (everyone's worst enemy and creepy stalker from my past) noticed I was lonely. =(   Plus David seems to hate me, sophomore year me and marly were waiting in line and he randomly (Though I'd never talked to him before) told me I was a bitch and he thought we were scary. He seems to be acting nice and stuff, but Ice kept hitting my back and shoulders. The First time He was trying to hit Chris, but after that it got harder to believe. >.>Turns out Dylan had decided not to go so At least I didn't just miss him, but yeah... Kinda sucked. My brother had an awesome time, he had a free hugs sign, and he and his friends were creepers hugging everyone. Free hugs signs are good at cons and stuff... but a football game..? >< Confusing. 
Just read Sam's (my best friend's) status Saying "So tell me. Why do people hurt the ones they love and CONTINUE to hurt them, even when they know they're doing it? Cant you just be happy that you have someone amazing? Why do people have the need to lose the one great thing they have for something that might not even last?" and she has no idea that she is a HUGE doer of this, she knows all the shit she does hurts me and doesn't even care. She ignores me to talk to her girlfriend of the week 24/7, so I know she's not not texting, she's just ignoring me. And she tells me about times she can't text, but when she visited she spent every waking hour with her fingers glued to that phone. I seriously don't believe any form of that. I think she just doesn't care anymore. But then she talks about how much she misses and loves me and shit... When we do talk it's awesome, but that's VERY few and far between. 
Wish she'd see what she's doing, and how much it bothers and hurts me. 
Feels like I should be more important than whatever girlfriend she's got at the time. I'm her best friend of a long time, I should count. Shouldn't I?

So yeah... Big ups and downs, even within a day. Wish Life would even out a little bit.

Hypocrites- Brianna

as much as we hate them
were all one at times
but its not exactly a hypocrite..
in a way.
but anyones wanna know whos a big one ?
my sister.
yep the stupid 15 year old that i call...Hermana.
she caught me and martin making out on tuesday.
and she told me not to do it again.
im not listening to her.
sorry but no.
anyways, today Mario (her ex my big brother)
told her he saw us kissing today
she started yelling and scolding me infront of her friends.
she told me to not do that in public and that its not classy.
i told her " im not taking advice from someone who cant take it themselves "
and i walked away.
i know shes just looking out fer me and making sure i dunt do what she did
but still.
i know when to stop.
i know when not to make out with someone.
she doesnt.
she knows less than i do which in im opinion,
is quite sad.

Last First Day - Lauren

So today was the first day of my senior year, my last first day of high school ever. Kinda sad really. =( But... While Everyone was on Facebook complaining, and I was being all excited, seems like everyone had awesome first days but me. Mine kinda sorta sucked. First off there was no one in really any classes to talk to. Personal fitness, Economics (Only had Elyssa, who was awesome freshman year but has turned into a bit of an obnoxious prep dragonette since then. ><), and Pre-Cal - To which I was late because Kira Marlena Shea and I went to Sonic for lunch to experience seniors going off campus and such, but They are slow and don't care for being on time like me (And Shea has an off period. P= yeah... lol) so they stalled getting back and I eventually just left and was still late because the evil (But totally awesome and surprisingly comfy - for short periods of time) heels I was wearing were murdering my feet and I was limping along the hot as hell road. Doesn't help that I felt awful for being late the first day but he managed to embarass me in front of the whole class too. Awesome. That class? Contains Nik, who is Shea's Ex Boyfriend who she's only recently friends with again, with whom I share a Mutual distaste. I don't like him, and he knows it. He's a douche stoner kid who has been arrested more than once for posession and likes to mess with me, and he and Lauren Nicole spread nasty rumors about Shea after Shea and Nik broke up and Lauren Nicole started dating him. ><

Chamber was the only bright spot of my day. Chamber is a small, additional choir of only 12 girls that I got into as a backup for a girl who had to drop, and I am super excited, it's funny... the girls in there never talk to me normally, at least not last year, but it seems like the moment I got into chamber everything changed. Like it was admission to some secret club and once I'm in Megan, who I haven't talked to since freshman year, is smiling and waving and not studiously ignoring me, adding me on facebook, it's just like... Woah. It looks like it's gonna be awesome too, Fish (Dr. Tod Fish, my choir teacher - Tod means Dead in German. Yeah. Dr. Dead Fish. XD) wants to do stuff like sing at the old people home (as Lauren G. likes to call it) and have us all memorize solo numbers and all that fun stuff... I'm so excited.

I'm really frustrated though, because I'm supposed to be in Acapella, which is the highest level concert choir (and Mixed), but I'm in Kantori (The mid-level all girls choir) again, because my ASL 3 class is the same period as ASL >.> I hate it, because I have to pick between my two favorite classes... Choir and ASL. I don't want to, but I think I have to Drop ASL because I've been looking forward so much to being in Acap, the people are amazing, it's a mixed choir again, I just... I have been so excited and now I have to pick =(

Hoping my second day is better, my first B day. ^_^;;
Wish me luck!

things happen fer a reason- Brianna

so today was the first day of
HIGH SCHOOL !!
it was amazing !!
first, my Schedule is
thee exact same as Martin
all 5 classes plus that hour of lunch
i have with him.
like today we didnt leave each others sides.
except fer after lunch.
but i dont mind cause its like
i dont want him to be bored around me all day
so when hes with his friends of course im gonna back off
nd all thatt
anyways,
in spanish,
i sat next to Martin nd like always
i pretended to get mad over a stupid thing
its like our game that we always play
anyways during class he snuck a kiss on the cheek
and a short little make out.
and in a few classes he whispered "i love you" a couple times
nd thoughs things,
every single time, hed do one of them.
gave me butterflies.
bitterflies that went crazy and tried to get out of my tummy
but couldnt
it was suuuch an amazing day. i dont think today couldve been any better..
i take that back,
i didnt get to give martin his surprise
nd i didnt get mine,
but hopefully tomorrow !!
i guess i just have to wait(:
*after lunch we go into the courtyard... without teachers(:*

High School-Claudia

So, I am going to LASA, which is this school for geeks, which is a little bit fantastic since I happen to be one. But, on the other hand...

Today was my first day and it was just...blah. I mean, except for getting an hour long lunch, it was a little too similar to my middle school. Most of the people are from my old school and it feels like I know everyone.

Nothing bad happened, no one was mean to me, I didn't get lost or creepily hit on. Because everyone is so similar, there aren't any cliche mean people or cliques. All of that missing from my school should be a good thing, but somehow I feel let down. I want to have that normal high school experience, I want to get teased and go to parties and get sexually harassed in the hallways and get in trouble with my parents for missing curfew and all that shit. I don't know, does that stuff actually happen at any high school or is it mostly just myths?

I didn't join band or swim team or dance, so I haven't really had a chance to get to know anyone yet, so maybe that's why I'm missing out on this stuff and maybe I'll be caught up by September.

I know going to LASA is good for my education and my future and blah blah blah, but maybe I just want to be a kid for a little bit longer and worry more about social stuff than school work. I just keep wondering if going here was the right decision.

Temptation -Nilsa

Last night I was offered what you could call a real high school experience. People wanted me to sneak out with them... well, not just people, two sophmore boys. I said no, but the thing is, it was actually hard. I guess I've heard it all this time. But the guys... I would've loved to go out and walk around and laugh with them. They're my friends of course, my band nerd friends. (SIDE NOTE: I'm a bit worried about balencing band and theatre...) and they picked me, this freshman, trombone playing, starving-artist type, skinny, clumsey girl to go with them. I didn't, I mean it's a bad idea. I've know that for, pretty much, ever. But do I really want to go through High School without EVER having the experience of having a good time, breaking the rules, out late at night, not a care in the world? Well, I'll have more offers. But what if I never say yes?

School! - Lauren

So most of my friends are complaining about going back to school. It's the usual, 'where did my summer go?' 'I wish school would never come' etc. etc. But I, on the other hand, CANNOT wait for school to start again. There's the obvious reasons of seeing my friends every day, but I actually -like- school, maybe I'm a dork, but I do. I like having somewhere to go every day and know exactly what you're doing, who you're seeing, what you're doing, that kind of consistency is nice. I like it. I mean, there's lame stuff, Like I have to take two semester long PE Classes because Freshman year my Personal Fitness credit didn't count because I started late, and that sucks, plus after that I need another half credit to graduate so I'm taking Individual Sports, which at elast promises to be better than Team Sports, I'm not much of a Team Sports person, I don't much like sports in the first place, let alone with people who would refuse to talk to me even if I wanted to talk to them. I wear a bit of black, not exactly their favorite kind of person. ^_^;;
BUT On the good Side I get to take two choirs! Singing seriously is my life, In a dream world the thing I've always wanted more than anything is to be able to make my living singing, but I know that's not exactly realistic. But the fact that Dr. Fish (My choir teacher. That's right. Dr. Fish. XD) thinks I'm good enough to be in both the highest level Mixed varsity choir, and the 12 girl Chamber Choir is just amazing. =D
My senior year promises to be interesting at least. ^_^
GO ROCK! CLASS OF 2011!
...lol. School Spirit. I don't have it. XD

sooo - Brianna

So in the past ive dated the stupidest people.
for example
Jesus and Riley
nough said with Riley
And with Jesus..
i dunno it was a trial and error
so you know that was just wrong in so many ways.
then theres Jason and Seth.
two different kinds of stupid.
Jason was a good boyfriend,
but when we were ex's fer the first time
he was a total dick to me.
thats not okay with me.
and Seth,
same shit,
plus hes just stupid periodd.
out of these theres two that i wish i could take back.
Riley and Seth.
and then theres the guy im with Now
Martin.
the best friend who the main character in a movie falls in love with
the guy you want in yer life ferever no matter what.
the guy who knows all yer secrets before anyone else
who knows what not to say around you
and what to tell you to make you feel better.
the guy who gives you that fairytale life,
or night.
and in life theres always that one ex that you stay close friends with no matter what
and fer me, its him.
in that month more or less that we werent together,
we were best friends.
kinda like me and jesus except ten times better.
anyways, my point in all of this is to tell you about this morning.
i was on facebook talking to Isaac and Anthony
and then Jason logs in and chats me.
basically, he was asking me to cheat on martin with him.
or choice b: break up with him.
i asked him if he was serious er just wondering
he said 69 percent serious.
and then i asked him about plan b
and he said 98/2 !!
i told martin about it,
and he messaged him.
and then Jason denies being serious about it !!
he said "it was just a plain and simple question"
see thats why im never giving a jason another chance.
NEEEVERRRR
i mean doesnt he know that im happy with Martin ?
doesnt he know that i love him ?
and doesnt he know that i dont want to lose him ?
that he means soo much to me
that he leaves me speechless and lost for words
that he makes me feel like ive never felt before?
and even if he didnt know this,
he shouldnt be asking me to do that shit,
especially if i have a boyfriend,
and he has a girlfriend.
hes so.. stupid..
ughh.
just giving me more to vent to to my chicas tomorrow at our GNO(:

I can hardly describe -Nilsa

I can hardly describe how happy I am at McCallum. The friends are sweet, the boys are... wow, and the Fine Arts Academy is even more... wow. I feel bad, like with my Manor friends I'm always talking about my school and my friends and my life. But there's so much going on, it's hard not to. I love these people, and I can hardly describe how it is to hang out with them, and go to movies, and throw eachother into the pool. It's so... highschool?

Maybe Because... - Lauren

Look. You say that the shit that happens in my life is unimportant, and if on ly i had the perspective to see that, and in 6 months i won't even remember what it was, and Your problems are so much worse because they are big adult problems... You don't even know half of what I'm dealing with.

Maybe I get so wound up in the drama because there is so much more than you think there is, and it's far less stupid Shit than you think it is.
Maybe I get so upset because (and I'll start small here) The people I thought I was done with are back, and wanting more, and while I know I can't give into them, It hurts to know that I am the one who ended things, who had to give up. I never wanted to be that person, and it stings to know that those people made me be that person. I hate them all the more for it, and I never wanted to hate... Love was always the center of my life, but apperantly I don't get that either.
Maybe the reason I have so much trouble ignoring the three of them is because I really did care about them as friends, especially Amanda, and the betrayal hurt all the more.
Maybe I feel like a piece of shit for ignoring Amanda's pleas for me to talk to her despite everything she's done to me and those around me and all the lies is because I never actually told her why I was ignoring her, why i was so pissed off, why i couldn't even stand to look at her anymore. Maybe i feel like crap because I never wanted to be that girl. I really... really didn't.
Maybe it's because You keep teasing me about how I need to get a boyfriend, and you actually didn't believe me when I said (after you'd asked) no one had ever asked me out or even told me they liked me. It really doesn't help. It's like you think I don't care, like it doesn't bother me that everyone gets to be in love but me, and No one even seems vaguely interested. Sure, I'm comfortable being single, doesn't mean I like being teased about how I don't have a boyfriend! It most certainly doesn't help.
Maybe it's because I live with three males, who are always angsting, My brother is an angsty emo shit who is going to get himself into loads of trouble, and I can do nothing to stop him, and my best friend made me promise to stop meddling.  My uncle is a hermit who is usually in a rank mood and hates people. My dad is always stressed about money, life, health, being alone, my mother, my brother, my uncle, work, sleep, everything...
Maybe it's because my dad manages to make me feel like everything is my fault. I want to go to the mall tomorrow with some friends from camp, and that means (because though i tried, I have no alternative ride) he has to wake up at 6:30 to take my uncle to work on his day off so that he has control of the one car we  have so he can take me, but he has sleep apnea so he doesn't get enough sleep and it exhausts him to wake up that early, and It's my fault i wanted to do anything, then when conflict arises it's my fault I can't even be happy at he fact that he's making himself miserable so i can go to the mall and goof off, and Then it's my fault this can't turn into a positive conversation, now it's going to end badly. It's always my fault.
Maybe it's because my brother is getting himself into all sorts of shit. He's trying to get back with his Off-her-rocker Ex, instead of the really sweet SANE girl he's with now who made him stop cutting... as opposed to the other, who drinks other people's blood.
Maybe it's because I haven't seen my best friend in over a year now, even though I recently found out she's only 8 hours away...
Maybe it's because my best friend hardly speaks to me and when she does it's not for long.
Maybe it's because My best friend hasn't been my best friend since she moved on 4/7/08, and I can't come to terms with that because I love her more than I've ever loved anything, she's my sister and my other half, and the fact that she doesn't talk to me and has changed so much kills me. She's let hate take her over, let pain and suffering and woe become her new best friends, and she doesn't have time for the old one.
Maybe it's because my best friend is Always sick or injured, and is in and out of the hospital like it's nothing, and i never even know, and if i do it's nt till after if she decides it's important enough to tell me. 
Maybe it's because every time i talk to me best friend, even if we're fighting, i have to end the conversation with how much i love her and miss her and want to see her, because I'm terrified above all else that she's going to get sick, or hurt, and be in the hospital, and I won't know until... it's too late... Or she'll go under for surgery and never come back out. It scares the shit out of me, and I could never live with myself if the last thing I were to say to her was about how angry i was. if the last conversation we had wasn't about how much i love her. if she died and doubted me at all.
Or maybe it's the fact that even more than that... I'm terrified that if i end a conversation on a note that seems like I don't care about her, she'll... lose the will to live. She'll stop fighting the next sickness, she won't move as fast as she could out of the way of that car, she.. will try to stop her own life because I wasn't there to save her.
Maybe the reason I get so defensive about my photos and am so adamant about taking so many is because I'm terrified of losing those I care about. Even just losing memories about them. Maybe the reason i get into fights with marlena about the photos of herself from Sam's goodbye party two and a half years ago that she hates is because that was the last time my best friend was my best friend, and now that she's edited out it's like a big black spot on my memory. And she can say it's not, but it is.
Maybe it's the fact that I can't tell you any of this because somehow you always manage to make me feel worse about it for feeling bad about it in the first place. because you'll just tell me i need new friends and i need to not let it get to me. because you'll tell me that i won't know any of these people after high school anyways.
Maybe THAT is the reason I just spent an hour in the shower, and only the last ten minutes in there showering. Maybe THAT is the reason I spent the other 45 minutes sitting on the rug crying my eyes out staring at the blue hair-dye hand print that Sam left on the inside of the bathroom cabinet that she my brother and I all signed, the last time she was my best friend, who I love and will always keep deep in my heart, instead of this callous un-emotional, depressing girl she's turned into.

I don't know how to deal with all of this. I can normally do ok, but everything's stacking up again and miraculously after not bothering me for weeks my back hurts and my shoulder muscles are hard as rocks again, The tension is murder, I don't know how to live like this. I've got to do something, but I don't know what...

Life Hits You- Brianna

i know i always say "things happen fer a reason"
but really ??
something THIS big ?!
it isnt necessary.
i simply dont understand why it had to happen
and to us ??
and now ?!
this came at the worst time possible !
ive come to realize that you cant always be strong,
and that its okay to break down,
wanna know how i found this out ?
Life hit me.
it hit me right in the face
and it left marks.
marks that are gonna be permanent.
a few nights ago,
my dad called my mom,
apperently,
his girlfriend accused him of assault.
did he really hit her?
who knows i wasnt there,
but if he did, im not surprised.
well, anyways, he was arrested fer like 2 days,
and when he went back to work,
they fired him.
No more child support.
my moms thinking about cutting down our mins to 1000 a month *not bad*
and taking off texting.
like now that schools starting,
maybe its not such a bad idea,
but like still,
the reason why its happening is driving me crazy.
when my mom told me i got mad
she asked "are you upset that he got arrested or because he got fired"
honestly ?
its because he got fired.
he doesnt realize how important those $300 a month are to us.
he thinks we should get one check,
and thats it.
then hes done paying.
and theres nothing we can do about it.
isnt that like... crazy ??
my mom made a huge mistake getting married to him.
she deserved so much better.
is it bad that some times i blame my mom fer not having both parents ?
like i alwasy think,
that if she wouldve married Jake,
or just about any one else,
things would be better.
i mean i know i shouldnt blame her,
but sometimes its just like..
thoughts .
i dunno.
thats exactly why,
i dont plan on getting married til after college,
after im settled in in life,
after i get my degree,
so that if anything between me and my husband happens,
i have something to back me up.
me and possibly some kids.
and i know im not in any rush to get married,
so ill take my time and know that i really wanna be with this guy,
for the rest of my days.

The Dream I've Been Waiting For -Nilsa

I've probably mentioned it before. The dreams, I mean. For a few months after that one day in early October, I dreamt about IT every night. A lot of people probably wouldn't believe me if they heard me say this, but I really didn't like it at all. I hated it, actually. Especially since I was going to school with them at the time. It was like, I could not escape, ever. It felt weird because I thought about it all the time. Literally. Things got a lot worse because of my bringing it up a lot. The thing was that for me it didn't seem like I was because it was on my head so much more. I had the exact same schedule as C****. Other than M****, she was the main tormentor. I mean, N***** hurt me the most but at least, for the most part, she knew when to lay off. She really was just sick of me. And she wasn't a good friend. Like, my friends now, they help me when I'm sad, and I help them when they are. It works both ways, which I hope is something she figures out eventually. I had no classes without at least one of them (or maybe two...) and it just happened to be someone who liked to make a little game out of everything.
I spent all day with them, went home and thought about it (this was before I got close to my wonderful new friends) and then went to sleep and dreamt about it. I hate thinking about the fact that I was that messed up.
The dreams went on for what seemed like forever... maybe five or six months. They would either be about N***** yelling at me, which just sucked, or about her coming back, not apologizing, but just calling out of the blue and saying, "hey, let's hang out" These one's were even worse for the first couple months, because I would think it was real, but then wake up and see that my school life was just the same rotten mess it had been eight hours ago. After a while though, I just kind of got used to it I don't know what it meant psychologically, but I would wake up and not be particularly sad. I was just used to it, I figured. The "yelling ones started to get worse as the school year progressed. Over Thanksgiving break it reached a climax where I went on vacation and my mom had to wake me up in the middle of the night to get me to stop screaming. I was afraid to go to sleep for a while, but it never got that bad again.
Over the summer, and as I started to get closer to new friends, it started not being so consistent. Maybe once a week or so I would have a dream, but it wouldn't bother me as much as it used to. I knew that I was stronger, even in my sleep. There was a pattern with my dreams now though, and I didn't like it. Basically, I would be with a new friend, usually Brianna. N***** would come over, or call, and I would drop everything and run to be with her like a freaking Labrador retriever. I knew it was wrong every time. Sometimes I couldn't figure out why, sometimes I could but I just couldn't stop right now. In more recent dreams I started to tell her that I had to leave, that I had somewhere else to be, but she would simply tell me not to go and I would agree.
On the night of 8-10-10 it started off normally, I was at a place that was apparently my house and N***** showed up wanting to go bike riding. We rode around, I tried to keep up with her, we sat down and talked... the thing that always bothered me about these dreams was that I remembered what had happened, I just didn't take caution. Sub-conscience I was still willing to let her back in at any given time. After a while we went to a book store, and I took out my backpack. "Oh, wait!" I said "There's something I need to give you." I opened it and took out a decorated shoebox. It had something in it, which happened to be the present I got in real life for Brianna's birthday. I didn't register this though, all I could think about was handing it over and making her happy. Making her want to be my friend again. I still had that wrong feeling though, and all of a sudden my thinking went crazy and the uncomfort turned to searing anger, worse than I can even remember feeling before. I looked up at her. My eyes had angry tears in them, but not to the point where they would fall out. "You can't have this." I told her, the gears in my head turning. It all seemed so real. "This is Brianna's!" I said forcefully. She gave me a type of grin like, "we all know you're gonna hand it over to me." And she was almost teasing me, daring me to give it up. I shook my head at her, "This is Brianna's."
And the dream was over.
Ex-friend free dreams for two nights.

:D -Brianna

So on Tuesday while at practice,
i hit myself in the head.
i threw my flag up 6 ft,
and then it came and hit me.
went to the doctors,
then they sent me to the ER
i got there around 8
and i didnt leave til 11
it was crazy
i was nervous and scared
and excited and in a way,
i felt like i finally completed something
ive always wanted to get hurt,
break something twist it sprain it,
whatever
i mean you think that as a kid youll break yer arm at least once
i never have,
never been to the hosital much less the ER fer anything.
so when i went tuesday i was like excited
it was thee scarriest thing ive ever been put through
it was insane !
one of the nurses that helped me
was in color guard when she was in high school
she told me she broke her nose twice,
and showed me this nast y scar she got from a rifle :D
it was amazing, in a weird way.
anyways when i got home i called martin to let him know how i was doing and everything
he asked me if i was going to new techs orientation,
i said i didnt know it depended on how i was feeling nd then later on
i decided i wouldnt go.
i told him that
then he got kinda quiiet and said "oh well.. um.. i kinda got into new tech and i was gonna surprise you by going to the orientation"
MARTIN GOT INTO NEW TECH!!
im soo happy about this .
like i knew he was gonna get in but i thought maybe around december
maybe even next year
so when he told me that
i like freaked outt.
we talked about doing long distance if he doesnt get in,
but i hate doing long distance.
i really just cannot stand long distance,
but i know that i can trust him,
and he wouldnt cheat
so like im always saying, Hes the only Exception.
but now that were gonna be at the same high school fer the next four years
that wont be needed(:

Not Again... - Lauren

And now, to top it off, I got a message from Amanda. It's like... I have great days for a while, then all of a sudden everything happens in one day. >.>
Just watch though, tomorrow it'll be Anysa with my luck. >:/
Cuz it's the three people I haven't spoken to and had no plan to, and honestly I don't think I can forgive despite how hard it is for me to be angry and reject them trying to be friends... I honestly don't know that I can forget what they did. Kira and I didn't even think of being 'friends' for a year and The reason we stopped didn't even involve me, but my best friend. I just... I wish I could be friends with them again. I do. But...

But I just... I look at Amanda and I remember a 'friend' who left me alone in the forest to go screw my brother. A 'friend' who has fed me lies almost since we met. A 'friend' who stole my best friend away to another room when me and Audrey slept to drink each others blood.
I look at Lyn and I see the angry violent person she uses to cover the deep, sweet girl inside. The one she refuses to let anyone see. I see the one who dated and threw away guys who may've loved her like they were nothing. I see the girl who stole my brother away for doing god knows what while I slept, and I woke up to find them sleeping on my floor cuddled up together. I see the girl Who I practically didn't exist to while she was with my brother.
I look at Anysa and I see feigned pregnancies, I see lies and cheating, I see Marcus's text after he found out about Jim and Anysa while they were dating. I see her and Amanda making out in the hallway. I just...
I don't think I can get past that... I really don't.

I don't want to be the one to give up on people... I really don't. That's the last one I wanted to be. But these aren't healthy people, and being around them causes me so much pain and stress. I'm just now feeling well, I don't need their shit too... I just can't do it... >.>


But i'll get through it, I always do. I'm just frustrated, I'll be fine in the end.It just sucks for now.

The Drama Llama strikes again... - Lauren

School doesn't even start for another two weeks and the Drama Llama is already back.
When I woke up this morning I checked my Facebook, and was Chatted by Joe. that's fine, Then I opened up my friend requests and saw one from one Lyn Adams, an Ex-Friend who 'dated' my brother for a while, and who I'd gotten into a huge fight with and she'd never even bothered to respond after my second message. There was no message, no nothing, but just a friend request. As though she expected everything to just be ok. It's not. Her, Amanda and Anysa have done so much shit to me and my friends... I can't just accept them back like that with all the lies and drama and pain they've caused in the group. I just can't. Not unless one has really changed and can prove it, but as I know well now they are all really good liars... So Joe and I got into this huge talk about her and everything, and shizz... then I was looking at my feed when I ran across a post from Stephen (friend of Amanda and ex-boyfriend of Lyn) saying hoe much he hated Jim and how he wanted to kill him, I asked him to message me if it was the Jim I was thinking of, and he messaged me. Apparently Jim has been trying to get back with Amanda, and Amanda had come crying to him about it. First off let me explain that i trust none of these people except maybe Stephen, because while he's violent and angry, I don't take him as a Liar. Then All of a sudden I saw my brother's face in my window. Well that was just like WTF, so I waited till a stopping place in my conversations, then headed to the door. See Jim is usually on the porch talking to Kelsi, and that was completely who I expected to see sitting in the chair, but... It was Lyn. It was really awkward for a second, then I went back in as fast as I could, and told Joe what happened. I don't know what to believe, but I had promised Sammie that I wouldn't meddle, she made me promise after the last time I found something out. She's convinced that in wanting to protect Jim I'm going to make it worse. So I sent her a message. I told her the whole story I'd heard and seen, and said since I wasn't allowed to do something I'd at least tell her. She didn't comment, just said that she wanted Amanda's number, saying she'd stop this once and for all, and requested that I tell stephen if he hurts a hair on Jim's head she'd beat the crap out him basically. Then I was talking to Shea, she wanted to know what was wrong and know about the drama I'd posted about, and I told her... Then SHE started to get upset, and when I asked why she reminded me Jim and Stephen were both listed as Attending to her birthday party. Well after she talked to Stephen he Promised he wouldn't do anything as his present to her. If Jim started something he wouldn't let it be, but he wouldn't instigate. but now Shea thinks she wants to un-invite Jim... I can't really talk her out because he deserves what he gets for lying to her (which is why she doesn't want him there, he told her he was completely done with Amanda) but I don't want to have to deal with him once she tells him... I told her to talk to him and see what happens from there. Then after much deliberation I sent the number to Sam, if anything happened to make it worse it was my fault for asking Sam, and I'd have to deal with it...

I hate all this drama. Every last scrap. I want it to die. I want these people out of my life, I want my brother to stop being a stupid emo kid, I want Amanda to be the person she was before all this shizz... She used to be sane, and good. I loved her, but now... She's made of Lies and Deceit. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't know what to do anymore, I hope I did the right thing....

I was ready for Drama once school started... I wasn't ready for this yet. :(

Why Now ?-Brianna

Why not when i was 2
why not when you and mom were married
why not when i needed you ?
why you you leave yer kids in the first place?
a divorce i dont care about
things happen fer a reason
sometimes it just doesnt work out.
but not even wanting yer kids in yer life?!
thats just.. crazy
thats a part of you.
and to not care if theyre okay or not
it blows my mind.
When you have three kids,
who need you the most,
and you just walk out of their lives,
and when yer two little girls need a dad growing up
to be that protective man in their life,
to have an example of how a boyfriend should treat you,
and to know what true love looks like,
and you just leave...
to me, its just as bad as murder.
you kill that little piece of hope in yer kids life,
you kill a little piece of their mother,
and if the mother inst financially fit,
you kill their future.
so out of a girls life she needs her father between the ages of 3-13
and on her wedding day
guess what ?
my dad left when i was 2,
and now when im one month from being 14,
he tries to talk to me...
over facebook.
whenever he does that
i lie to him.
for example i put on my facebook about how i have to put up my phone by 9:30
he asked why
i said because schools starting soon.
why would i tell him the truth ?
he doesnt need to be in my life,
i dont need him in my life.
infact i dont WANT him in my life.
my point is, why is it that when i dont need you,
you try to come into my life,
and try to act as if nothing ever happened
last time i hung out with him i was two
last time i saw him i was 8.
i was scared,
and in the end,
he didnt even want to give me a hug.
does that explain to you how much we "ment" to him ??
so why now,
that all three of us can take care of ourselves
and dont need anyone to help us,
why now,
does he decide to talk to me ?
its pretty damn clear isnt it ?

everythings stupid right now- brianna

Color guard is killing me little by little
we have three rutines were learning right now
all three need to be perfected by the 20th
since thats our last day of practice fer a week
were only preforming 2 of them,
but the third one we might do at the first football game (27th)
depending on how ready it is.
aside from all the pain,
its a lot of fun
today we got a new girl
quick learner
and almost at the same place in our dance that we are.
thats a good thing
plus were already talking about make up and costumes and junk
pluuuus on my breaks or any time i can sneak to my phone
im texting Martin,
who makes me feel..
so perfect.
he puts me on this pedestal
showing me off,
and telling me how much he loves me
and how he feels about me
and somehow hearing all of it,
and even just a simple "so hows practice"
makes it... worth all the pain.
like somehow it makes me wanna practice harder,
and get my tosses higher,
and my angles perfect.
and every night i ahve a count down to 9
cause thats when i get to talk to him.
i can talk to him until 11 ishh
about anything and everything.
but today...
i didnt put away the dishes before i left fer practice
and my mom came home and got mad
the first thing she does when me and my sister get into the car
is yell at us.
like not an "hi how was practice"
but instead its a lecture.
and she said that by 9:30 i have to be off the phone..
i dun think she realizes that i can only talk to him after nine
i mean yes i text him all day
but its not the same.
like it just bothers me that she has to take away my phone privileges
fer something so stupidd...

Birthdays-Claudia

It's totally typical and predictable, but holidays were always the worst when I was growing up, with my parents still together. Instead of the media-created myth of holiday cheer, I mostly remember stress, crying, and screaming! Oh yeah, funtimes.

My dad's birthday was today and it was pretty spiffy. We all saw a movie, made breakfast together, went to see my grown up half brother, and ate cake at Whole Foods. It was a good birthday, except that my dad had to pay for everything himself and didn't even get any presents from his kids because my mom refused to drive us to buy my dad anything. It was the same way on Father's Day. I understand that she does this because she doesn't want my dad getting the wrong idea, but I wish she could look at driving us to a store as something she would be doing for us instead of him.

For Mother's Day and her birthday, my dad took us all out to shmancy restaurants and bought everything we picked out for her. I know he does this because he still wants them to be married, and it makes me really sad to see him trying so hard and knowing that there's nothing he could do for that to happen. Don't get me wrong, I don't want my parents to get back together, let's just say they were not the happiest couple on earth, but I do want my dad to move on and be happy, which he seems to really not want for himself.

Anyway, I felt bad about the whole no-presents thing, and it made me wonder, which way is the better approach? Trying to get back with your ex-wife with dinner and presents and endless phone calls, or not helping your kids if it's actually helping they're dad? I wish my parents could find some happy medium, stay uninvolved, but do something to help us stay involved, because we're a part of both people's lives, whether they like it or not.

SCARE! - Lauren

This will be my third year helping out with the Volunteer Haunted house Scare for a Cure, And I couldn't be more happy with it. I love scare, the people are amazing, you get to go out, have fun, meet great people and scare the daylights out of people all benefiting the Breast Cancer Resource Centers of Texas. It's just awesome.

I went to the Volunteer Kickoff Party today with Nilsa and was shortly thereafter joined by Rowan, and Ooooold friend of mine, and We listened to Jarrett talk about the organization, there was a lot of applauding, all the managers came up and spoke, it was cool. Dad complains about having EVERYONE nonessential go up and speak, but I think it was nice he recognizes everyone.

This year should be amazing, H1Z1 Zombie wasteland!
I'll be working at the outpost, theoretically with Nilsa. the outpost is where people wait instead of waiting in line. Can't wait, should be awesome. XD

Tell your friends! Scare for a Cure Haunted house in Austin!
Great fun for a great cause!
Come volunteer!
<3

Things.. -Brianna

Things are going alright.
I got the weekend to NOT practice with my flag,
i got to listen to loud music
i got to hangout with a few people
and me and Martin are back together
But,
my mom forgot that im out in the sun 35 hours a week at practice,
so she made us deeeep clean our house,
then took us to my aunts house to clean
i had to vacuum her stairs, and the pool, and i had to make rice and beans
my arms are still sore from prac. now all this crap made it worse.
then
last night i was talking to martin nd he was reading something out loud.
i think it was a text,
but point is, that his friend called me a whore.
i dun know why because he doesnt even fucking know me.
thats what pisses me off
i knew him *hardly* in 6th grade
where i was the quiet girl in the front of the classroom,
who talked to her friends, and no one else,
and he hasnt seen me since then *minus seths party where we didnt even talk*
and yet he has the fucking balls to call me a whore?!
its like, if he doesnt know me he has nothing to judge,
he should just keep his fucking mouth closed.
usually im the kind of girl who doesnt care what you think or say about me.
so why does this piss me off ?
cause usually the people who talk shit about me,
are at my school, see me mon-fri,
see me with my friends,
and see the way i really act,
so when someone who DOESNT see me like that,
thats when i flip out because it doesnt make sense...
Bloging, right now, isnt helping its getting me madder.
so, im gonna leave it there nd pray that i can ferget about this
and that SOMEONE can put me in a better mood today..

in search of adventure-Claudia

Maybe it's because I read way too many books, but I've always been under the illusion that every summer is supposed to be this monumental, unforgettable adventure to tell stories about when you're old. I feel like you're supposed to spend all day at the pool eating ice cream with your best friend from across the street and all night sneaking out and pulling pranks. I also have always believed in summer romances, the intense, bittersweet days at the lake with the guy you will never see again.

This summer has had great moments, but I never feel like my life is an adventure. I never feel like a character from a book or a movie, but I think life is just like that. The rain doesn't fall just to match your feelings, the right song doesn't automatically play while you cry in your car, and adventure is never going to walk right up to you. If I want adventure I have to find it, in a person, in a place, it doesn't matter. I just have to do something to feel like my life matters, to get my story started. Hopefully, high school will do that for me. I'm going to try and pack as many new experiences into the next four years as I can...I don't want my life to be boring any longer.

Sorry if this was cheesy, but yay! My first real post!

Good Days-Brianna

The good days in life.
the ones that you see in the movies
where everything is perfect,
and even fights are fought perfectly
and punches are thrown perfectly,
and the rain falls on your face so.. perfect.
those days.
those days, are the days that make me feel..
Perfect
like at practice this week,
me and my friends joke around, and laugh,
and at lunch, we sit in the middle of the floor
and when we laugh just a little to much,
everyone sees it and wishes they were eating with us.
like, i feel like im actually in high school,
the pretty hair tosses, the slutty girls, the annoying girl everyone hates,
and the fights,
we have all of that... at band camp(:
nd i love it.
like im really sad im not gonna have that at new tech
where there, everythings so.. fake.
but anyways. this whole week has been soo much fun
Yesterday i went to Aprils house (the captain of Color guard.
Shes a senior(:
shes really cool definitely someone to look up to(:
like at her house,
we never ran out of things to talk about.
it was just... a good day(:

Nothing Much - Lauren

I've not got too much to say, I've been bored out of my mind waiting for school to start. =/

I've just read and watched the first 4 in the Harry Potter series, after finishing the first two eragon books and my summer reading for school. As I've been so bored, I've fallen into my old habit of reading incessantly, and I wonder why I stopped. I guess I ran out of things to read. =/ But It's back now. I've hardly put a book down all week! I made it through three harry potter books just yesterday. The problem is... With the rate I'm reading I'll have read my entire book collection before school starts (well... not really, but almost. O.o) ... ><

Other than reading and taking walks in the morning before it gets too hot the only thing I've been doing is thinking. A lot. My dad joked today that I wasn't very cuddly, and he said "Fine, if you aren't gonna be cuddly you've got to get a boyfriend, because I want Grandkids. Now." I know he's joking, but he's only vaguely joking about the finding a boyfriend thing. It comes up too often to just be a joke. And if it is... It's not very funny.
It's like people just think I'm weird for never having a boyfriend, they think I'm out of touch, or Honestly I've been called a lesbian, though I took little heed from it as my best friend is, so the only insult there is that they thought it was one. But.... It bothers me. As though I LIKE being the only one of my friend group never to have been asked out (I can't say without a boyfriend, Another friend hasn't... But She was asked out by a senior last year and another group friend confesses his love to her everyday in his own weird way, honestly I think while they both oddly resist it now... I think they may end up together one day. He's already infiltrated our group during school, he comes with on our formerly all girl Pizza days, he hangs out with us in the mornings, even when we abandon the group for quieter surroundings...We're stuck with him whether we like it or not - I don't mind most of the time, but sometimes i'd just like a bit of time away from guys with just my friends. ><). I most sincerely do not... I have indeed wondered if there's just something wrong with me, or if I was just that distasteful, or just that not pretty, I mean... When I hang out with the pretty girls in our group who date EVERYONE, it's kinda hard not to wonder these things occasionally.
It's a little sad to watch one of our numbers.... We used to be really close, nearly best friends (if we didn't have existing ones) then there was... Drama we couldn't pass and we didn't talk for about 6 months. Eventually we re-opened communication at school because it was REALLY awkward to be walking with The two of my friends and I lined up with our mutual friend in the middle, both of us involved in the same conversation with one, but completely ignoring each other. But she's... Losing touch. She was this adorable, perky, vaguely geeky in a cute way, tiny little thing that everyone loved, you were hard-pressed to find someone in our group that disliked her. She brought friends together, she welcomed new people to our group, clearly the leader. Now... She's never really worked for what she had looks-wide. Now she's gaining a bit of weight, getting visible cavities, wearing shorter skirts and more revealing shirts, not showering so her hair becomes this greasy, stringy cap on her head, she's not trying, but still expects everyone to love and follow her, when she's had falling outs with most of us at one time or another, when we talk to her again she seems to think that we've completely forgiven and forgotten her wrong-doings without her even admitting there were wrong-doings, she's become spoiled, and is sadly going to find out that things don't just... Happen. You've got to work for them if you've any real desire to make it happen. She can't expect every guy to fall for her, but of course... When you're easy people do anyway. I know that's awful to say, but... It's true.
But, sadly, WAY off topic. =/
I just... I get tired of feeling like I've failed.
I know I haven't... Not really. But... Some people just make me feel that way.

But you know honestly the only thing that keeps most of this at bay most of the time?
A certain someone we all know who brought us all here and her incessant efforts to Fix it.
She's decided it's her job, and sticks to it like a dog on a scent trail.
It gives me hope that my generation doesn't all suck.
And that some people really do still care.
Makes me feel like I can still try.
That there's no reason to give up hope just yet.
Plus she succeeded in something I didn't know was possible.
She brought out my Girly side and released the butterflies, and is determined to make me blush as much as humanly possible by bringing up a certain person at every opportunity.
Maybe there's hope for me yet. ;)

~~I can't set my hopes to high... Cuz every hello ends with a goodbye.

My Sister...-Brianna

Shes so..
stupid.
thats the nicest thing i can say right now.
shes fergetful
and just flat out stupid.
She "ment" to ask my mom if her boyfriend
could pick us up from practice,
and then have him stay over fer a while.
she fergot to talk to my mom.
about everything,
but fergot to tell him,
that she fergot to talk to my mom
stupid yes ?
anyways so he texts me telling me that hes picking us up and that hes outside already
i thought well i mean maybe mom sent him
so i was like i guess if i have to
then i go tell my sister,
and she asks me "did you tell mom"
so then i told her,
she knew nothing about it
and was soo mad when she found out,
i made Stephen leave
and we ended up going home with Brooke.
but anyways before we left i ewas trying to help my sister put her stuff away
cause brroke was rushing
nd she was taking to long,
all she did was slap my hand away
like really is that necessary?!

you...-Brianna

You
Stupid
Immature
Idiot!!!
I kinda hate you right now.
you play to much
you tell me thoughs three words
then she tells them to you
and you ferget ever saying it to me !
yer freaking insane !
i dont wanna get yer hopes up,
but maybe a little pay back is all you need
then youll stop what yer doing to me
cause believe it er not
I ment it when i said it,
and its hurting me,
so much more than it "hurt you"
maybe i was doing the right thing trying to move on,
cause this whole thing,
me just waiting,
is pointless
and i hate wasting time..

I'm not used to this. -Nilsa

It seems like, slowly, guys are starting to "like" me more... okay, actually quickly. between 7th and 8th grade, one person asked me out and one person admitted "feelings" for me. Between 8th and 9th grade, so far, five people have asked me out and another has admitted feelings for me. Out of the six total that have asked, I've said yes to four... is that bad? Nah.
I only wish they were people I liked back (the recent few) but, eh, McCallum is steadly approaching, and I've already been invited to a Get Ready for Mac Party. Score! In fact, band camp (haw-haw, I know) starts tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. Well, for everything other than having to wake up at six AM.
Okay, so basically, I could get used to this. I say that I feel bad turning guys down suddenly, and that they shouldn't like me, but really... It makes me feel... pretty. Is THAT bad? I dunno. But if guys are actually starting to like me, then maybe there's a chance that I might like one of them back. Like, A LOT. Who knows?
I'm moving on from the person who I used to like a lot... it's pointless. But of course, we'll be friends (hopefully) forever.