F*** Everything... - Lauren

I know I post here a lot and I'm so sorry if my rants bother anyone... but right now I kindof don't have anywhere to take this shit... So here comes another awesome rant of awesome (...Not)

So yeah. My day was just the shit. Got bitched at by Ashten because I couldn't be objective over her bitching about my best friend, Found out someone is 'boinked' someone else and wanted to smack her for her awful timing, sat by myself, freaked out because somebody completely vanished,  froze my ass off because I was a dumbass and wore leggings instead of real pants, found out my brother is a stoner because he's suicidal, got left behind to sit by myself, got to breathe in all sorts of fucking smoke and shit and my eyes hurt from it, had to calm someone down because of a fucking Creeper who keeps threatening to show up, Sat by myself, Sat in the car staring out the window without saying a word for like an hour driving people home and not one person noticed enough to ask if I was okay, or anything.Yeah, the day definitely had fun parts, but I am not in the mood right now to shine with joy at 'the little things'.

Here's my conversation with Ashten to give you a hint of how my day started off.

Between You and Ashten Smith

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:44am Report

Do you have any advice on getting over people, lauren? No one is answering the phone and I am just feeling really upset over this stupid infatuation I have with, well, you know who. Even after all this time. It's seriously irritating. I even turned down someone because I am not over her. Not to mention, she just goes on with her life, not even caring about me at all, so that just makes this infatuation MORE irritating and I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry to come to you with this out of the blue...I just need someone to talk to and yeah...Sorry, man.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:49am

You're totally talking to the wrong person man... I'm the one who was in love with someone who completely turned her down for three years and currently likes someone who is afraid of relationships. I know it's irritating but I really don't know what to tell you...
She had to move on, for herself. She's with someone she really cares about now, and She's happy. I know it sucks, but she is.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:56am Report

Well, I am gonna be honest with you. I am glad she is happy, I really am but...nevermind, I'll talk to you later. I wish you could, just for one minute, not JUST think about her side of it. You don't understand what she did. And you probably won't. I am not trying to be mean or hateful but the way she dropped me was just horrible. I am not asking you to take my side. I am just asking you to be objective. But I'll talk to you later when I am not as upset as I am right now. Don't mention this to her. She is happy, I know. And I don't want her pitying me or any shit like that. In fact, don't mention this to anyone. I don't want people thinking I am some pathetic loser who can't get over someone after so long.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:59am

I'm sorry, but She's been my best friend for ten years, and I've had ten years of taking her side. I try to see both sides but People don't exactly like to give me all the details. and I'm not just picking her side just because, from what I've heard I believe she did what she had to. Maybe not in the best way, but she did what she had to. I'm not saying she's always right, but... I don't know.
Really I'm the worst person you could pick to be objective... I am sorry, but it's how my brain's been wired for ten years and that's a very hard habit to break.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 12:00pm Report

I know. I am sorry for expecting you to be objective.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:35pm

Look... I'm sorry, But I really don't know what to say here... You never talk to me unless it's to try to talk about Sam which I told you ages ago I shouldn't be doing because I know I can't be fair and objective. About anything Else I can, but not this. I know we have our issues and she barely ever talks to me anymore, but I love her and I'm not going to give up on her as my best friend just so I can be objective.
I feel like shit a lot because it feels like people only give a shit I exist when they need someone to rant to. And I'm glad I can be that person, but where's anyone else when I need to talk? There's a reason I have a blog where I write all this shit, and a stack of letters too big to fit into an envelope if I ever meant to send them, Nobody gives enough of a shit to listen, and the ones that do are hard to get ahold of, or only care if they are in the right mood.

You're not the only one dealing with shit. I am sorry, i truly am, but you caught me on a really bad day. I'm dealing with liking someone afraid of relationships, i'm fighting depression because no one gives a shit about me in a crowd, I keep getting ditched to sit by myself, every fucking person in the world is a stoner, a smoker, Fucking everyone, or a drinker but me and I feel completely left out because it seems like that's all they are interested in or can talk about. I have no life because I am too busy being responsible to have one, and caring what happens to my body, which no one else seems to care about (either thing), I have to deal with my family bitching at me and everyone around me Constantly, leaving my house and entering a complete new world blindly at the end of the school year and moving in with Montanna who has kindof been driving me up a wall the past few weeks... I really don't know how to feel about any of this, and I'm sorry if I'm too bunged up to be objective.

I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I have to fight it just like the rest of the world, I just want to be the happy person so bad that i put on the guise, no matter if i feel like hiding in my room for a week, and I know no one would notice if I did. 

 

 ---------------------------------------------

I'm just so... tired of trying to live my life when no one seems to notice when I do. I know I exist only to please and help people, but it would be nice if I didn't sit by myself so often, and if people had more to talk about than sex drugs and alcohol. Maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong people, but... I love my friends, and I want to be supportive, I just don't think I can do this... it's seriously... all they talk about! While we were freaking in the car two people kept making out, and I just felt so... Out of place. I swear, I've felt out of place before, but Never more than when I'm with these people.

I swear... sometimes I'm the only person who isn't stoned drugged drunk high or horny all the freaking time... I wish I had someplace to go where life was simpler. Where people wanted to talk about something other than that. I can't even get myself a boyfriend  let alone all that. Maybe if I wanted to do all that I would, but I have just no interest in drugs or alcohol. I hate the smell of smoke and beer, it makes me sick and my eyes burn, I have no want at all to be around that. But it seems like if I want to have friends I don't have a choice. I just... I wish there was another option. 

I feel so... Alone. All the time. don't get me wrong, I love all these people to death, but..... Nilsa is amazing, but impossible to get ahold of and to ever see - I haven't seen her since school started. Shea is awesome, but has a boyfriend and thus vanishes a lot. Montanna is great except she's one of those people. Courtney is awesome, but she wants Constant freaking contact and I just can't do that. I love Marly, but I can't get her to leave her house, and she loves kira and Jordy so much more now, I never see her except when she has to ride the bus with me. Sam..... that's a whole nother rant. 

Sam (Or as She would now like to be called - Spencer (and she would like to be called He on that note as well)) has been my best friend for ten years. Ten fucking years. And she hasn't texted me back since December Fifteenth, and that was an eight text message conversation. But no, She's fucking talking to every other person in the world, including at least two she swore she never wanted to talk to again. But no. Not me. Not her best friend who has been at her side for ten years of bullshit and pain. I've been trying to wait for her to get over herself and realize she needs friends who she hasn't dated/isn't going to date, but it's been nearly impossible, because when you don't text her you don't exist. And for that matter, when I do text her I don't exist. On facebook if I comment on something it's all I love yous and we're bfffs forever, but...... I want our friendship to mean more to her than a poke on facebook. best friendship cant only be a poke war. I feel like I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she is or what she wants from life... I miss her so much, but honestly I miss who she was, because I don't know the first thing about her anymore. I don't know her favorite color, her favorite bands, I don't fucking know anything about her except that she no longer wants to be a 'her'. i feel like as she's shedding 'Sam' and becoming 'Spencer' I'm losing every connection I had with her. I feel like sam is my best friend, always will be, but I don't know the first thing about Spencer, and I don't think he gives a shit about me at all. She moved down to louisiana and went and got erself a new brother and a new family, and forgot about her old one. Except my brother. Him she talks to. Fuckin everybody else in the world but me. 

 

Goddamn... I love these people, I love her, so much more than they can every imagine, but... I'm just so SICK of their SHIT.  SICK OF IT. I'm never comfortable... I'm never just.. Happy. I miss being comfortable i my own skin, so much. I miss being secure in having a best friend and someone I could always go to. I miss not feeling alone in every step of my life, I miss not having a boyfriend not being a big deal. I miss not feelin like shit because no one seems to think I'm good enough to even ask out, let alone commit to a relationship. Someone told me that he kinda wanted to ask me out freshman year but didn't because he was with someone, but that doesn't mean shit. Awesome. You kinda liked me freshman year, but didn't tell me until senior year while you have a girlfriend. I never liked you really.... but that's not the point. I just... I wish SOMEONE would give a shit about me and show it. i miss feeling like a human being with a real shot at finding someone decent instead of a chubby broken out over emotional teenage girl who is a complete hopeless romantic that is in fact.. Hopeless.

And there you go. 2062 words on how shitty I feel. Fuck... My lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Dude..- Brianna

So, remember my
"New best friend"?
shes a little...
this whole time
everything that happened
ive been really nice to her
i tried to befriend her,
and for a while it was fine
everything was cool..
but it was thee biggest mistake ive made this year !!
She turned out to be so rude to me!
like im sure shes not usually a mean person
so why towards me does she act like that?!
is it cause i had what she wants?
or should i say WANTED?
i dont understand why she wont just go out with Martin
her excuse is so...
typical..
but i guess i shouldnt say anything bad about her..
on that topic..
for now lets talk about
Today in PE
me and martin like talked and joked around in that class today fer the first time
i took advantage of that,
like i made sure that we were laughing.
and it was just as friends
then my "best friend" came over
and they were flirting so i left
then like no more than 2 minutes later so walks back to playing volleyball
a bit later Martin calls me and is all
" i bet i can make this" and he shoots the basketball
more than half way across the court
he didnt make it but still it was funny
and we got a joke outta it.
then she glares at me, and rolls her eyes.
like im sorry hes one of my best friends.
im sorry were close.
but sweetie,
if you want him soo badly,
go out with him.
like shit,
you made us break up,
so you might as well claim yer little prize.
but whateverr you know?
its just something i gotta go through thatll make me a much better person(:
this just made me realize how much i miss my best friends.
the ones i usually tell everything too,
who dont judge me,
accept my mistakes,
know that im a bitch,
and still love me(:
my two best friends go to different schools than me,
and it sucks i havent seen then in about a month and a half and its driving me nuts!!
im so used to being like "ill tell you next period, since i cant talk now"
andbeing like "dude so and so in 4th period is suuch a bitch"
now its like
we text each other when we have time, or when something big happens.
i miss the way things were last year.
like i keep saying i miss the 8th graders,
but no, i miss my best friends.
thats what i hate about high school
yer best friends become people you know,
and although were still always there fer each other its just harder.
i miss them so muchh
like i didnt think i needed them this much
but now seeing what im really going through,
its like i need them more than ever.
i cant wait til next saturday
cause im hoping and praying to hang out with themm

Nothing at all - Lauren

I love how during the school year, it seems like everything happens, than kindof simultaneously nothing worth posting about happens at all. XD

I've had quite a busy weekend, I went right after school yesterday to go get Dylan from her house so we could be ready when my dad got home to leave for the SCARE for a CURE benefit concert, where we drove around for an hour on the wrong side of the highway trying to find the freakin place, to almost be not let in. Me and Dylan had no form of ID, so they were -thiiis- close to just denying us entry, Leanna threw a fit, she was so angry, Jarrett was trying to appease both sides (to little effect) and eventually some other guys came up and said we could go in as long as we were marked and he showed us to the bartenders so they knew not to sell us anything. >< Not like we would.  D8 But yeah. XD After we got in an hour late Dylan and I got the fun job of watching the free food table (and the tip jar residing on it) and re-organizing the pizza. XD It was a pretty fun night, We took a lot of silly pictures, Dylan and I got attacked by the Zombie Invasion, I got attacked by Jim and Rowan, and I now have some blood on my Scare shirt. lol. It was a pretty cool night, but the crowd was sad, and I couldn't distinguish anything but loud from the bands that played except for Fulton Read, which wasn't bad. P= they had all the zombies come up and preform with them on stage after their third song. =3

Then today Dylan, Dad and I (she spent the night) ran a bunch of errands, Now I'm baking for Montanna's birthday party tomorrow and the Scare Auditions we're going to right after that. =) Crazy busy.

In other news, My best friend Sam has contacted me of her own accord twice in that many days, so I'm happy. =D She texted me earlier just to say she loves me, and when I told her I loved her too and was sorry for passing out last night, she said "It's fine Hun. Just wanted to make sure someone told you they loved you today. ^^"
<333 I love my best friend so much. :,D

The Odd Thing about my Friends - Lauren

So, my first week of senior year was rather full of ups and downs. Chamber and Acap are awesome, I had my first day in Acapella (Top level Mixed Choir) today after getting my schedule changed from being in Kantori, where i was the last two years, and this year it's almost entirely freshmen. O.o But yeah. Acap is awesome because we sound amazing and I have people to talk to in that class, mostly Chris and JD, and also Sara and Morgan. X3 
my first day, as you read, sucked, but my second day was pretty good, then it was just like waves, I have no one to talk to on A-Days (with the sole light in the day of Chamber), it's really sad honestly. lol. But B-Days are pretty awesome, Except the EXTREMELY boring Earth and Space Science class I'm in to make up 1/2 a credit of science from things not counting freshman year due to my starting late (FAIL). I now have last lunch both days, at 2:00. I'm so hungry by the time lunch rolls around, it's not even funny. ><
I went to the first football game of the season today (0-17, Round Rock is so fail, somehow Midway beat us.) and Like... It was really awesome at first. Hanging out with the choir kids, singing, sounding awesome, (We sing the national anthem and Alma Mater at the game)... Then we get to the game after practice and such, we sing, it's awesome, we go up the corner where the choir kids usually sit, I was supposed to find Smoothie (Dylan. XD His nickname. lolz) but I couldn't, Sara and Morgan left, JD didn't go, and Chris tends to be super scatterbrained around other tenors. That's the thing about sitting with the choir kids. They're so distracted and obnoxious, if you're not super obnoxious too they tend to forget you're in existence, and that happened to me. I don't know all the Acap people yet, i mean... I know who they are form 4 years of choir, but I don't -know- them. I'm obnoxiously shy around people I don't know, and the Acap people are very almost... Cliquish? When I tried to talk I was often ignored or unheard. I ended up sitting alone halfway through the game and no one but Tina Clark (everyone's worst enemy and creepy stalker from my past) noticed I was lonely. =(   Plus David seems to hate me, sophomore year me and marly were waiting in line and he randomly (Though I'd never talked to him before) told me I was a bitch and he thought we were scary. He seems to be acting nice and stuff, but Ice kept hitting my back and shoulders. The First time He was trying to hit Chris, but after that it got harder to believe. >.>Turns out Dylan had decided not to go so At least I didn't just miss him, but yeah... Kinda sucked. My brother had an awesome time, he had a free hugs sign, and he and his friends were creepers hugging everyone. Free hugs signs are good at cons and stuff... but a football game..? >< Confusing. 
Just read Sam's (my best friend's) status Saying "So tell me. Why do people hurt the ones they love and CONTINUE to hurt them, even when they know they're doing it? Cant you just be happy that you have someone amazing? Why do people have the need to lose the one great thing they have for something that might not even last?" and she has no idea that she is a HUGE doer of this, she knows all the shit she does hurts me and doesn't even care. She ignores me to talk to her girlfriend of the week 24/7, so I know she's not not texting, she's just ignoring me. And she tells me about times she can't text, but when she visited she spent every waking hour with her fingers glued to that phone. I seriously don't believe any form of that. I think she just doesn't care anymore. But then she talks about how much she misses and loves me and shit... When we do talk it's awesome, but that's VERY few and far between. 
Wish she'd see what she's doing, and how much it bothers and hurts me. 
Feels like I should be more important than whatever girlfriend she's got at the time. I'm her best friend of a long time, I should count. Shouldn't I?

So yeah... Big ups and downs, even within a day. Wish Life would even out a little bit.

Maybe Because... - Lauren

Look. You say that the shit that happens in my life is unimportant, and if on ly i had the perspective to see that, and in 6 months i won't even remember what it was, and Your problems are so much worse because they are big adult problems... You don't even know half of what I'm dealing with.

Maybe I get so wound up in the drama because there is so much more than you think there is, and it's far less stupid Shit than you think it is.
Maybe I get so upset because (and I'll start small here) The people I thought I was done with are back, and wanting more, and while I know I can't give into them, It hurts to know that I am the one who ended things, who had to give up. I never wanted to be that person, and it stings to know that those people made me be that person. I hate them all the more for it, and I never wanted to hate... Love was always the center of my life, but apperantly I don't get that either.
Maybe the reason I have so much trouble ignoring the three of them is because I really did care about them as friends, especially Amanda, and the betrayal hurt all the more.
Maybe I feel like a piece of shit for ignoring Amanda's pleas for me to talk to her despite everything she's done to me and those around me and all the lies is because I never actually told her why I was ignoring her, why i was so pissed off, why i couldn't even stand to look at her anymore. Maybe i feel like crap because I never wanted to be that girl. I really... really didn't.
Maybe it's because You keep teasing me about how I need to get a boyfriend, and you actually didn't believe me when I said (after you'd asked) no one had ever asked me out or even told me they liked me. It really doesn't help. It's like you think I don't care, like it doesn't bother me that everyone gets to be in love but me, and No one even seems vaguely interested. Sure, I'm comfortable being single, doesn't mean I like being teased about how I don't have a boyfriend! It most certainly doesn't help.
Maybe it's because I live with three males, who are always angsting, My brother is an angsty emo shit who is going to get himself into loads of trouble, and I can do nothing to stop him, and my best friend made me promise to stop meddling.  My uncle is a hermit who is usually in a rank mood and hates people. My dad is always stressed about money, life, health, being alone, my mother, my brother, my uncle, work, sleep, everything...
Maybe it's because my dad manages to make me feel like everything is my fault. I want to go to the mall tomorrow with some friends from camp, and that means (because though i tried, I have no alternative ride) he has to wake up at 6:30 to take my uncle to work on his day off so that he has control of the one car we  have so he can take me, but he has sleep apnea so he doesn't get enough sleep and it exhausts him to wake up that early, and It's my fault i wanted to do anything, then when conflict arises it's my fault I can't even be happy at he fact that he's making himself miserable so i can go to the mall and goof off, and Then it's my fault this can't turn into a positive conversation, now it's going to end badly. It's always my fault.
Maybe it's because my brother is getting himself into all sorts of shit. He's trying to get back with his Off-her-rocker Ex, instead of the really sweet SANE girl he's with now who made him stop cutting... as opposed to the other, who drinks other people's blood.
Maybe it's because I haven't seen my best friend in over a year now, even though I recently found out she's only 8 hours away...
Maybe it's because my best friend hardly speaks to me and when she does it's not for long.
Maybe it's because My best friend hasn't been my best friend since she moved on 4/7/08, and I can't come to terms with that because I love her more than I've ever loved anything, she's my sister and my other half, and the fact that she doesn't talk to me and has changed so much kills me. She's let hate take her over, let pain and suffering and woe become her new best friends, and she doesn't have time for the old one.
Maybe it's because my best friend is Always sick or injured, and is in and out of the hospital like it's nothing, and i never even know, and if i do it's nt till after if she decides it's important enough to tell me. 
Maybe it's because every time i talk to me best friend, even if we're fighting, i have to end the conversation with how much i love her and miss her and want to see her, because I'm terrified above all else that she's going to get sick, or hurt, and be in the hospital, and I won't know until... it's too late... Or she'll go under for surgery and never come back out. It scares the shit out of me, and I could never live with myself if the last thing I were to say to her was about how angry i was. if the last conversation we had wasn't about how much i love her. if she died and doubted me at all.
Or maybe it's the fact that even more than that... I'm terrified that if i end a conversation on a note that seems like I don't care about her, she'll... lose the will to live. She'll stop fighting the next sickness, she won't move as fast as she could out of the way of that car, she.. will try to stop her own life because I wasn't there to save her.
Maybe the reason I get so defensive about my photos and am so adamant about taking so many is because I'm terrified of losing those I care about. Even just losing memories about them. Maybe the reason i get into fights with marlena about the photos of herself from Sam's goodbye party two and a half years ago that she hates is because that was the last time my best friend was my best friend, and now that she's edited out it's like a big black spot on my memory. And she can say it's not, but it is.
Maybe it's the fact that I can't tell you any of this because somehow you always manage to make me feel worse about it for feeling bad about it in the first place. because you'll just tell me i need new friends and i need to not let it get to me. because you'll tell me that i won't know any of these people after high school anyways.
Maybe THAT is the reason I just spent an hour in the shower, and only the last ten minutes in there showering. Maybe THAT is the reason I spent the other 45 minutes sitting on the rug crying my eyes out staring at the blue hair-dye hand print that Sam left on the inside of the bathroom cabinet that she my brother and I all signed, the last time she was my best friend, who I love and will always keep deep in my heart, instead of this callous un-emotional, depressing girl she's turned into.

I don't know how to deal with all of this. I can normally do ok, but everything's stacking up again and miraculously after not bothering me for weeks my back hurts and my shoulder muscles are hard as rocks again, The tension is murder, I don't know how to live like this. I've got to do something, but I don't know what...

Conversations... With the wrong person? - Lauren

Sorry to make a second post. This only just got to me.

Sometimes... When I talk to people like Nilsa or Montanna... we get into these really deep, or really personal conversations, about who we like, or family, or friends, or just things going on in out lives. Which is awesome, I love having those conversations. I think it's really important that we do, because I might go crazy without talking about some of that stuff. but... Sometimes I can't help feeling as if I were talking to the wrong person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't want to talk to them or have the conversations, but... Aren't these conversations you're supposed to have with your best friend? I haven't had one of these with her Except about our problems with eachother for over a year, and real ones, that weren't affected by whatever weirdness she's going through and her cell phone ringing for texts every 30 seconds (She answered too) for far longer. I miss her, as she used to be. I miss US as WE used to be. She avoids talking to me sometimes because she can't deal with the drama. It's like she forgot that I'm not all drama, that there is a huge part of me that hates drama, and would LOVE to talk about other things, and an even bigger part that just loves her and wants to talk about ANYTHING with her, even if it's the weather. She's my best friend and my sister, but sometimes I really wonder how close we are anymore, and it breaks my heart because I really... I don't know what I would do without her, who I would be... When I promised Best Friends Forever, I meant it. I wonder sometimes if she did. I love her, and I know she has a lot of problems, but she won't tell me ANYTHING. I understand it's not in her nature to share everything, but she's always said I was the exception, and I was until recently. She won't even tell me when she's got a new girlfriend, or a broken heart, or is sick, or in the hospital, and all of those things happen a lot. I love my best friend, I need her, but it's like she's moved on without me, leaving me begging for her to come back, and she just Won't. She says she's here and won't go anywhere, but even when she's Here she's distant and evasive. And it really doesn't help that It's been over a year since I saw her. I was rather down on the fourth because All I could think about was being with her last fourth of july and seeing fireworks, and getting our faces painted, my mother took us but we ignored her for the most part. I just.... I miss her so much, and sometimes I wonder if I even cross her mind at all when I'm not bothering her constantly...

My Summer - Lauren

My summer's been interesting. Thursday before we got out of school i went on an adventure in the park with Gerda Karen Stephanie and Jenny, Saturday was Graduation, I went with Choir and sang the nation anthem, I hung out with all my amazing choir friends before, it was awesome. my choir friends are the best. XD I can't wait for Acapella next year. And I cried, a really good friend i've known forever and the guy i like were graduating. Sunday Jenny had a pool party only attended by Me, Kristina, and Paul. I had briefly met Kristina before, but hadn't talked to her much and never met Paul, Kristina hadn't either, but we all got along really well. Then I did absolutely nothing for an entire week but hang out with my family and watch farscape, and i was BORED OUT OF MY MIND. then yesterday Kristina Paul and I got together at Kristina's house and hung out, I found out I suck really bad at first person shooter video games (Halo and Gears of war at least), we went for a walk, just hung out. Then they got into a cotton candy fight. It was a little odd because I get the feeling they like eachother, but haven't necessarily noticed it yet. I felt a bit like the third wheel (a feeling i'm getting tired of feeling). Then today we were all supposed to hang out again, but Montanna kidnapped me to go and hang out with her and Argenis, we went on an adventure to marble falls and went berry picking. XD then we made pocket pies with them. It was yummy. Apperantly Gerda and Dylan showed up at my house while i was out to see if i wanted to go get smoothies with them (which is awesome because Dylan's nickname is Smoothie) but i was at Montanna's house baking. >< The only day i'm busy, everyone wants to see me. Oy.

Things at home have been weird, we're completely broke and it's stressing everyone out to a major level, I have been trying to get out of the house as much as possible. But it doesn't work so well. ><
My best friend (who lives in Louisiana) is going into the hospital tomorrow for surgery on her knee, yet again (She broke it once and it never healed right, now about every six months or less it acts up again and they have to go in and fix it), and that's got me nervous as all hell. I wish I could be there for her more than anything. When we were little, every time she'd get sick I'd bake her cookies and walk them down to her house, one time through a thunder storm. I was always there when she needed me, when she was sick, and she for me, but now... It's like I don't even know until After, and I hate it. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her since last summer. We're both broke so we don't think we can get anywhere. It sucks so much, I wish more than anything else I could be with her when she wakes up from her surgery. I really, really do. I don't know what I'd do without her, She's my everything.
The guy I like is moving this summer, leaving in august, but while as a friend I'm bothered that he's leaving, I'm ok with the 'just friends' pact we talked out. Since he's leaving and such. I told him I liked him, he had indirectly told me he did before when we went on the blind date montanna set up with 'someone who likes me' (her words), but we're staying just friends. I think I'm ok with it, I mean... There are a couple of things about him that bug me. He's catholic, which comes with a mess of stuff including a deep distaste for gays, and considering I'm an athiest and my best friend is a lesbian... I'm not so ok with that. and he uses the word Nigga a lot, jokingly, but it's weird. I think I'm ok with everything. Stressed out in general, but ok. =)

Friends? -Nilsa

Friends are supposed to make your life better, right? They're the ones who make you smile on a rainy day! But for some reason, as soon as I am out of her life, it becomes perfect. Dispite what people say, I can't get over the fact that that is proof of me being a bad friend. I was only in her way.