Happy - Lauren

Wow…. SO I haven’t posted on here since March 8^th. That’s insane.

So much has changed in those two months…

I am very proud to say that I am actually happy.

I spent so long with nothing in my life that made me truly happy, and now I have it.

Chamber is amazing; we’re finally like our own little family. I love it, and being in Acapella, I really am a Choir kid at heart :) I auditioned for a spring show solo today; I think it went well actually, I’m nervous. ><;;  Our spring show (And my last concert) is on Tuesday… I’m going to cry my eyes out, I’m so sad it’s over…

I’m graduating in three weeks. That’s some scary shit. I know I have to take at least a year off to work because I have to start from Zero. I’m supposedly moving out after Christmas, I was going to move out in July but plans fell through….

I am no longer friends with Montanna. We got into an Enormous fight, I started it because I was pissed off that I found out she and mike are engaged, after she swore to me they were broken up, and that I found out through Courtney because she didn’t have the guts to tell me. She turned it on me and accused me of spreading rumors and said all sorts of nasty shit about me. She apologized over Facebook after the fight, but I told her that I accepted the apology and apologized as well, but some of the stuff she said really hurt me and we’d have to work on that whole trust thing, and she never even bothered to respond. So I’m done. She was here one day because she and Jim still hang out, but it was really awkward. We were nice and all, but I know now that someone who can so easily believe those things about me probably isn’t someone I need to be spending all that much time with. I’m pretty comfortable with it, I mean… I wish it didn’t have to be like this but after someone breaks my trust it’s really hard to get it back again…

But I AM probably moving in with Shea, Rowan, and Dylan. :) I’m totally happy with that, I think the four of us would work really well together ^^

Shea and Jenny aren’t speaking, for real this time. Jenny brought Shea’s ex to prom, and Shea flipped. It was the last straw; they’d been at each other for weeks. Shea kicked her out.

Kira and I are talking again. We’re actually vaguely friends again ^^;; I didn’t think that would happen, but in light of more recent real fights I realized the reasons I wasn’t friends with her for were silly. I mean, they were more important at the time, but it’s been so long… And really, there wasn’t any reason to be mad anymore. She’s changed too, she matured. She found someone she’s actually really happy with and he’s a great guy and its done wonders for her :) She, JB (her bf), Shea and I went to prom together; It was a lot of fun once we got past Jenny screaming her head off at Shea in the middle of it. ><;;

John and I are on four months this coming Tuesday; He makes me so happy it’s not even funny. <3 It feels so much longer than that, but it’s only been four months… I really do love him. ;) I’m slowly getting over all the issues that built up in me over the past 18 years of being single and thinking I wasn’t worth anything… I’m getting past it, and every day that goes by I get better and better at believing that I am. Better and better at being happy.

I haven’t talked to Sam much, but we’re making some progress. I’ve decided to (at least on Fb) call her Spaz, because I just get so confused with Sam/Spencer/He/She, and her Fb name is Spencer ‘Spaz’ Sanders. P: So, I’m really trying to accommodate what Spaz wants. I’ve recently realized that it’s kindof like Spaz is the Brother I don’t talk to very often. Shea is my best friend, and I am hers as she recently told me, and I am completely happy with that. I wish I talked to Sam a little more, but as I get happier I get better at accepting things in my life I can’t really change.

I’m writing a book. It is really sad, but I’m honestly loving it. I got it from a dream I had, and I’m just working on writing it out. I’m a good 15 typed pages in, and I’ve written the end already.  It’ll take work, but I have time :)

So, I am happy. I still have problems, but it just seems so much easier to deal with them now.

I’m just….. Happy. :)

F*** Everything... - Lauren

I know I post here a lot and I'm so sorry if my rants bother anyone... but right now I kindof don't have anywhere to take this shit... So here comes another awesome rant of awesome (...Not)

So yeah. My day was just the shit. Got bitched at by Ashten because I couldn't be objective over her bitching about my best friend, Found out someone is 'boinked' someone else and wanted to smack her for her awful timing, sat by myself, freaked out because somebody completely vanished,  froze my ass off because I was a dumbass and wore leggings instead of real pants, found out my brother is a stoner because he's suicidal, got left behind to sit by myself, got to breathe in all sorts of fucking smoke and shit and my eyes hurt from it, had to calm someone down because of a fucking Creeper who keeps threatening to show up, Sat by myself, Sat in the car staring out the window without saying a word for like an hour driving people home and not one person noticed enough to ask if I was okay, or anything.Yeah, the day definitely had fun parts, but I am not in the mood right now to shine with joy at 'the little things'.

Here's my conversation with Ashten to give you a hint of how my day started off.

Between You and Ashten Smith

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:44am Report

Do you have any advice on getting over people, lauren? No one is answering the phone and I am just feeling really upset over this stupid infatuation I have with, well, you know who. Even after all this time. It's seriously irritating. I even turned down someone because I am not over her. Not to mention, she just goes on with her life, not even caring about me at all, so that just makes this infatuation MORE irritating and I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry to come to you with this out of the blue...I just need someone to talk to and yeah...Sorry, man.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:49am

You're totally talking to the wrong person man... I'm the one who was in love with someone who completely turned her down for three years and currently likes someone who is afraid of relationships. I know it's irritating but I really don't know what to tell you...
She had to move on, for herself. She's with someone she really cares about now, and She's happy. I know it sucks, but she is.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:56am Report

Well, I am gonna be honest with you. I am glad she is happy, I really am but...nevermind, I'll talk to you later. I wish you could, just for one minute, not JUST think about her side of it. You don't understand what she did. And you probably won't. I am not trying to be mean or hateful but the way she dropped me was just horrible. I am not asking you to take my side. I am just asking you to be objective. But I'll talk to you later when I am not as upset as I am right now. Don't mention this to her. She is happy, I know. And I don't want her pitying me or any shit like that. In fact, don't mention this to anyone. I don't want people thinking I am some pathetic loser who can't get over someone after so long.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:59am

I'm sorry, but She's been my best friend for ten years, and I've had ten years of taking her side. I try to see both sides but People don't exactly like to give me all the details. and I'm not just picking her side just because, from what I've heard I believe she did what she had to. Maybe not in the best way, but she did what she had to. I'm not saying she's always right, but... I don't know.
Really I'm the worst person you could pick to be objective... I am sorry, but it's how my brain's been wired for ten years and that's a very hard habit to break.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 12:00pm Report

I know. I am sorry for expecting you to be objective.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:35pm

Look... I'm sorry, But I really don't know what to say here... You never talk to me unless it's to try to talk about Sam which I told you ages ago I shouldn't be doing because I know I can't be fair and objective. About anything Else I can, but not this. I know we have our issues and she barely ever talks to me anymore, but I love her and I'm not going to give up on her as my best friend just so I can be objective.
I feel like shit a lot because it feels like people only give a shit I exist when they need someone to rant to. And I'm glad I can be that person, but where's anyone else when I need to talk? There's a reason I have a blog where I write all this shit, and a stack of letters too big to fit into an envelope if I ever meant to send them, Nobody gives enough of a shit to listen, and the ones that do are hard to get ahold of, or only care if they are in the right mood.

You're not the only one dealing with shit. I am sorry, i truly am, but you caught me on a really bad day. I'm dealing with liking someone afraid of relationships, i'm fighting depression because no one gives a shit about me in a crowd, I keep getting ditched to sit by myself, every fucking person in the world is a stoner, a smoker, Fucking everyone, or a drinker but me and I feel completely left out because it seems like that's all they are interested in or can talk about. I have no life because I am too busy being responsible to have one, and caring what happens to my body, which no one else seems to care about (either thing), I have to deal with my family bitching at me and everyone around me Constantly, leaving my house and entering a complete new world blindly at the end of the school year and moving in with Montanna who has kindof been driving me up a wall the past few weeks... I really don't know how to feel about any of this, and I'm sorry if I'm too bunged up to be objective.

I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I have to fight it just like the rest of the world, I just want to be the happy person so bad that i put on the guise, no matter if i feel like hiding in my room for a week, and I know no one would notice if I did. 

 

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I'm just so... tired of trying to live my life when no one seems to notice when I do. I know I exist only to please and help people, but it would be nice if I didn't sit by myself so often, and if people had more to talk about than sex drugs and alcohol. Maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong people, but... I love my friends, and I want to be supportive, I just don't think I can do this... it's seriously... all they talk about! While we were freaking in the car two people kept making out, and I just felt so... Out of place. I swear, I've felt out of place before, but Never more than when I'm with these people.

I swear... sometimes I'm the only person who isn't stoned drugged drunk high or horny all the freaking time... I wish I had someplace to go where life was simpler. Where people wanted to talk about something other than that. I can't even get myself a boyfriend  let alone all that. Maybe if I wanted to do all that I would, but I have just no interest in drugs or alcohol. I hate the smell of smoke and beer, it makes me sick and my eyes burn, I have no want at all to be around that. But it seems like if I want to have friends I don't have a choice. I just... I wish there was another option. 

I feel so... Alone. All the time. don't get me wrong, I love all these people to death, but..... Nilsa is amazing, but impossible to get ahold of and to ever see - I haven't seen her since school started. Shea is awesome, but has a boyfriend and thus vanishes a lot. Montanna is great except she's one of those people. Courtney is awesome, but she wants Constant freaking contact and I just can't do that. I love Marly, but I can't get her to leave her house, and she loves kira and Jordy so much more now, I never see her except when she has to ride the bus with me. Sam..... that's a whole nother rant. 

Sam (Or as She would now like to be called - Spencer (and she would like to be called He on that note as well)) has been my best friend for ten years. Ten fucking years. And she hasn't texted me back since December Fifteenth, and that was an eight text message conversation. But no, She's fucking talking to every other person in the world, including at least two she swore she never wanted to talk to again. But no. Not me. Not her best friend who has been at her side for ten years of bullshit and pain. I've been trying to wait for her to get over herself and realize she needs friends who she hasn't dated/isn't going to date, but it's been nearly impossible, because when you don't text her you don't exist. And for that matter, when I do text her I don't exist. On facebook if I comment on something it's all I love yous and we're bfffs forever, but...... I want our friendship to mean more to her than a poke on facebook. best friendship cant only be a poke war. I feel like I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she is or what she wants from life... I miss her so much, but honestly I miss who she was, because I don't know the first thing about her anymore. I don't know her favorite color, her favorite bands, I don't fucking know anything about her except that she no longer wants to be a 'her'. i feel like as she's shedding 'Sam' and becoming 'Spencer' I'm losing every connection I had with her. I feel like sam is my best friend, always will be, but I don't know the first thing about Spencer, and I don't think he gives a shit about me at all. She moved down to louisiana and went and got erself a new brother and a new family, and forgot about her old one. Except my brother. Him she talks to. Fuckin everybody else in the world but me. 

 

Goddamn... I love these people, I love her, so much more than they can every imagine, but... I'm just so SICK of their SHIT.  SICK OF IT. I'm never comfortable... I'm never just.. Happy. I miss being comfortable i my own skin, so much. I miss being secure in having a best friend and someone I could always go to. I miss not feeling alone in every step of my life, I miss not having a boyfriend not being a big deal. I miss not feelin like shit because no one seems to think I'm good enough to even ask out, let alone commit to a relationship. Someone told me that he kinda wanted to ask me out freshman year but didn't because he was with someone, but that doesn't mean shit. Awesome. You kinda liked me freshman year, but didn't tell me until senior year while you have a girlfriend. I never liked you really.... but that's not the point. I just... I wish SOMEONE would give a shit about me and show it. i miss feeling like a human being with a real shot at finding someone decent instead of a chubby broken out over emotional teenage girl who is a complete hopeless romantic that is in fact.. Hopeless.

And there you go. 2062 words on how shitty I feel. Fuck... My lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Ho Shizz... - Lauren

Lyn and Ashley nearly beat the shit out of eachother today.
WE were all hanging out in the hallway like normal, and all of a sudden we hear the two of them screaming at eachother, Lyn kept calling Ashley (my brother's girlfriend) a Cunt, and Ashley was being a bit more creative, but Lyn always just came back with the same thing.
But... It was really frikking funny. Lyn... Everyone's like, afraid of her, but when they finally came to blows, She flailed at Ashley and bruised her a little bit on the bridge of her nose, and Ashley actually threw punches and Split her lip. ^_^;; I just love how much of a wimp Lyn actually is, and how BA Ashley actually is. XD It's pretty-much awesome. =D
SO yeah, there's that for you. :O

On another note completely, I always thought I'd never want to move out of my house ever, but I'm getting real sick of the testosterone that seeps from every molecule of this house. People think girls are moody. HA! My brother's an emo, my uncle's a hermit, and I recently witnessed my 44 year old dad throw a temper tantrum of sorts this weekend. I would like a little less MALE invading every waking moment of my home life. O.o And slightly more Male in the romance department would be awesome. ><

On another entirely different note, I can't wait for SCARE This year! =D So many friends from completely different groups coming together should be interesting. I've known rowan upwards of 6 years or so, I've only known Montanna about a year though it feels like forever and we're super awesome, I've known Nilsa two years and we're LEGIT as Ben would say. This should be fun. XD

Best. Morning. Ever. - Lauren

So, First off Joe (who graduated last year) came to visit us this morning, which in and of itself is awesome.
But then. Oh, but then.
We were all hanging out and shizz, super excited at Joe being there, Then all of a sudden we hear this shout. "You don't Fucking say that Shit to me!" When we turned to look, Lyn had my brother backed against a wall and was yelling at him, then... She slapped him. As it rang out in the hall it was deathly silent for a moment then Stephen and Luke pulled her away, then she pulled free of them and took off down the hall towards the bathroom with these earth shatteringly loud sobs and slammed in. Which, in it's own right, was -Really- funny. I know that sounds mean, but I've heard her cry before, and I know it doesn't sound like that, and NO ONE Cries that Loud. The whole freaking building could hear it. And it's entirely possible that she was actually crying, but that almost makes it worse because she was actually upset then was STILL Milking it for all it's worth and her Attention-Whore ways still shine. >:/ But yeah. It was silent for a few moments, then hushed conversations broke out and everyone excitedly discussed, but before anyone got very far She was back. She started in on Ashley this time, Jim's Girlfriend. She walked up to her and said in the silence "Do you really think he'll make you happy?" She affirmed, and after some debate Ashley said something to the effect of "I think you should just leave the two of us alone" and Lyn so Classily replied "Why don't you make me!"to which Ashley started to get up and said "Don't tempt me!" I was a second from jumping in but Ashley's friend got there first and told Lyn she just needed to go. Now. She started to fight it but Stephen intervened and pulled her away again. There was ann unsure silence in the hall, unsure as to whether it was actually over, then I stepped forwards across the hall to where Jim and Ashley were Seated on the floor, and called Ashley's name. She looked up at me, a flicker of apprehension crossed her face, and I raised my hand for a high-five, a huge smile spreading across my face. relief filled her face and she returned the high-five, then I turned to my brother (who wanted one too) and Demanded to know what He said to her. He told me that Lyn had Called Ashley a Whore and he'd stood up for her, saying to Lyn's Face "Not like You are." Which set her off. He'd been cussing her out just like she had to him, but apparently it's OK for her to do it, and not anyone else. He stood up for his girlfriend, against his Ex-Girlfriend who was Clearly trying to get her hooks back into him. YES!!! Which is just amazing, because Ashley is just -so- sweet, and his last few girlfriends have been... Iffy. So I'm so glad he found one who is really cool. She has a ninja-turtles backpack. Awesome? I think so. XD We filled in everyone else as they arrived, everyone else is So sad they missed it, especially Shea, Chris (Who dated Lyn), and JD (Who liked her). None of which like her. I don't think she understands that really no one does after all the shit she started. we're just tired of her shit. All of us. Except Stephen and the line of guys lining up to date her. Which I really don't get, she dumps guys so fast you don't know he dated them, and is awful and needy, and it's so lame. =/ (Why can a girl like this get a million guys but I can't get one? Not fair. >< She's pretty, but bitchy and was prettier before she bleached her hair, now she looks sickly. >< I guess cuz she's easy. Jim's accusation wasn't wrong particularly, apparently she's had four pregnancy scares this summer. FOUR.) But yeah. Then I walked into my first period personal fitness class where I haven't normally got anyone to talk to, and Courtney (Who apparently is one of Jim's friends) shouts as I walk in "We have Victory!" and we spent most of the class talking about it. XD (Plus we didn't have to work out cuz of the rain! =D)
Chris and I, yesterday, had sortof an intervention for my brother. He was pinned against the wall by Lyn, and they -weren't- fighting. So Chris elbowed in between them and told Jim they needed to talk. He used a funny accent to make it silly, and used a funny analogy, but he was completely serious in his meaning. We were convinced we had to get him away from her. Especially since I like Ashley and she loves to give Lyn the Death Glare every time she talks to Jim. So... I guess it worked! Because I'm pretty damned sure that only a few days ago he wouldn't have stood up to her. He hasn't before when she was cussing him out. But today, not only did he stand up for his girlfriend, but for himself.
The only lame thing about this is, I was really proud of him, but I walked into choir the period after he has choir, and written on the board in clearly Jim handwriting was "Lyn, Go Die in a Hole. <3" and in what I think was Brandon's (one of Jim's best friends) writing was the symbol she draws on everything with a ( / ) over it and under it in little writing it said F*ck You! ><
So yeah. Other than that last bit... This morning?
Best. Morning. Ever.