My very last Spring Show - Lauren

I had my very last choir concert last night. It was a terribly sad ordeal. The concert went awesomely, we fumbled a little on the words or timing, but all in all it wasn't so bad. I had a lot of fun. When it let out I greeted my family, then went to talk to all the remaining choir kids. I gave Chris, Jd, and Sara like five minute hugs, Then found John and gave him a super hug, and he had been standing with Zz and JB, and Zz was crying her eyes out, and she wasn't even in the concert. I had been fighting crying for the last like ten minutes, and so we hugged and cried together.
Afterwards the four of us (Zz and I along with respective boyfriends) went to McDonald's for ice cream, and hung out there till like eleven playing cards. XD Zz and I got into a French Fry fight, and john and JB tried to stop us without really succeeding. XD It was so much fun.
Despite all Kira and I have been through I couldn't think of a better person to end my Choir concert with, She was my first choir friend and she introduced me to like all of my friends, and just... Despite all of our terrible fights, we're pretty much okay now, I'm really glad we're friends again, I missed all the stupidness we get into. :) Like trying to get french fries down each others shirts. Ya know... if someone is trying to throw french fries down your shirt, don't block, because then you end up squishing the french fries against your chest and it's really fricking nasty. XD
I'm really sad it's over, this year seems like it went by so fast, We have our picnic this saturday then.... That's it. TT-TT
But despite how sad I am now, I'm SO glad I got to do it, Chamber and Acap have been amazing, and I'm so glad for the opportunity. <3

Happy - Lauren

Wow…. SO I haven’t posted on here since March 8^th. That’s insane.

So much has changed in those two months…

I am very proud to say that I am actually happy.

I spent so long with nothing in my life that made me truly happy, and now I have it.

Chamber is amazing; we’re finally like our own little family. I love it, and being in Acapella, I really am a Choir kid at heart :) I auditioned for a spring show solo today; I think it went well actually, I’m nervous. ><;;  Our spring show (And my last concert) is on Tuesday… I’m going to cry my eyes out, I’m so sad it’s over…

I’m graduating in three weeks. That’s some scary shit. I know I have to take at least a year off to work because I have to start from Zero. I’m supposedly moving out after Christmas, I was going to move out in July but plans fell through….

I am no longer friends with Montanna. We got into an Enormous fight, I started it because I was pissed off that I found out she and mike are engaged, after she swore to me they were broken up, and that I found out through Courtney because she didn’t have the guts to tell me. She turned it on me and accused me of spreading rumors and said all sorts of nasty shit about me. She apologized over Facebook after the fight, but I told her that I accepted the apology and apologized as well, but some of the stuff she said really hurt me and we’d have to work on that whole trust thing, and she never even bothered to respond. So I’m done. She was here one day because she and Jim still hang out, but it was really awkward. We were nice and all, but I know now that someone who can so easily believe those things about me probably isn’t someone I need to be spending all that much time with. I’m pretty comfortable with it, I mean… I wish it didn’t have to be like this but after someone breaks my trust it’s really hard to get it back again…

But I AM probably moving in with Shea, Rowan, and Dylan. :) I’m totally happy with that, I think the four of us would work really well together ^^

Shea and Jenny aren’t speaking, for real this time. Jenny brought Shea’s ex to prom, and Shea flipped. It was the last straw; they’d been at each other for weeks. Shea kicked her out.

Kira and I are talking again. We’re actually vaguely friends again ^^;; I didn’t think that would happen, but in light of more recent real fights I realized the reasons I wasn’t friends with her for were silly. I mean, they were more important at the time, but it’s been so long… And really, there wasn’t any reason to be mad anymore. She’s changed too, she matured. She found someone she’s actually really happy with and he’s a great guy and its done wonders for her :) She, JB (her bf), Shea and I went to prom together; It was a lot of fun once we got past Jenny screaming her head off at Shea in the middle of it. ><;;

John and I are on four months this coming Tuesday; He makes me so happy it’s not even funny. <3 It feels so much longer than that, but it’s only been four months… I really do love him. ;) I’m slowly getting over all the issues that built up in me over the past 18 years of being single and thinking I wasn’t worth anything… I’m getting past it, and every day that goes by I get better and better at believing that I am. Better and better at being happy.

I haven’t talked to Sam much, but we’re making some progress. I’ve decided to (at least on Fb) call her Spaz, because I just get so confused with Sam/Spencer/He/She, and her Fb name is Spencer ‘Spaz’ Sanders. P: So, I’m really trying to accommodate what Spaz wants. I’ve recently realized that it’s kindof like Spaz is the Brother I don’t talk to very often. Shea is my best friend, and I am hers as she recently told me, and I am completely happy with that. I wish I talked to Sam a little more, but as I get happier I get better at accepting things in my life I can’t really change.

I’m writing a book. It is really sad, but I’m honestly loving it. I got it from a dream I had, and I’m just working on writing it out. I’m a good 15 typed pages in, and I’ve written the end already.  It’ll take work, but I have time :)

So, I am happy. I still have problems, but it just seems so much easier to deal with them now.

I’m just….. Happy. :)

Life after School... - Lauren

I really have very little idea what to do with my life after school. At least some college at ACC sounds about right for me, a job, a car, but I have no idea how to go about any of this... and the only two people who have offered to help are my counselor who is super busy and spend a good 45 minutes last time I was in there complaining at me for my lack of direction and the fact that I haven't taken the SAT or anything... And The second... I just got a facebook message from none other than Amanda telling me how important college and a job is, and that she's willing to help me out if i need it.

I really don't understand why no one I would accept help from has offered, and one of maybe three or four people who I would turn it down from has offered... I'm honestly... Gah... If it was anyone else... But I really just can't stand to be around her anymore... She wore the shirt i made her this time last year today, and it honestly unsettled me. That solid reminder of what we used to be... and kindof the day I stopped liking her... I gave it to her as a valentines present since my brother had just dumped her and i figured she wouldn't have a valentine, but she had all this crap from Anysa that day as valentines presents... And I was rather put off. Seeing it again... Kinda sucked. I miss being friends with her, but not her as she is now. Her as she was. See when we were at the college fair she had won this giant seton medical clinic t-shirt, and gave it to me to fix up into something fun for her. I basically shredded the back and tied the ends, and sewed a felt wolf on the back above it (her nickname was wolfie) and had all of our friends sign the front or doodle something. that testament to how our friendship was... I miss it. But I just can't look at her without feeling like crap for believing it for so long.

I can't wait till I'm out of there. so much shit I won't have to deal with anymore... I just wish I knew what shit I will have to deal with... >< Stupid real life not having a rule book. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. Everyone seems to know but me...

Disappointed - Lauren

Call me a fool, but I had hoped when I told Montanna to just go without me on the 'adventure' we had been planning today because my dad wanted me home by six (and we wouldn't have enough time if I had to be back), I thought maybe they would show up anyway and make me stop wallowing. Or at least Montanna would text me back after i said that. Guess I was wrong. Funny that. Maybe people really don't care anymore.

Melancholy... Part Two - Lauren

Here's part two of my weird mood. I have brother issues. I do. For several different reasons.

ONE. He's kindof a man whore. He flirts and is hit on by every girl (and some guys) in the room, he loves the attention and is always all over them, he has only been broken up with his girlfriend a week and he already has girls lined up doe eyed and pretty begging for his attention. And I loved this girlfriend. She was actually good for him, she made him stop cutting, and his reason for dumping her? She was saying I love you and he wasn't sure he was ready to say it yet, but was anyway, so he couldn't lie anymore, and dumped her. It's Freaking ridiculous. his current main interest (from what we can tell) is a ridiculous girl from scare I can't stand - she's an attention whore and a drama head, and will start shit left and right and I want nothing to do with her.

TWO. He's going down all the wrong paths in his life and people are encouraging him. He's Bi because it's popular and the 'emo' thing to do. He's embracing the sulky dark asshole side of himself that we hate, (He actually refused to do a little favor for dad yesterday because - and I quote - "I'm just an asshole.") and doing things he really shouldn't. I love my brother, but I can't stand him. He won't put his phone down, and when we were putting up the Christmas tree i felt bad that he was all grumpy and wouldn't put his phone down long enough to help me, I told him as such, and he didn't give a shit. I love the holidays, people are happier and nicer, except everyone seems to be going through so much shit this year... I feel like I'm losing my Christmas spirit. Instead of looking at the tree and feeling happy or excited, I look at it and want to cry. I try my damnedest to be there and help people, and keep them happy, and it all seems to amount to nothing. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit about anyone else. It makes me feel like giving up. I don't ask for anything hard, I don't ask to be recognized for all the SHIT I do for my friends and the people I care about, no matter how nice that would be, I don't ask for everyone to love me or to all get along, I just want people to try. Try to be Happy. Try to get along. Try to be decent to each other and (more importantly in a lot of ways) themselves. No one wants to try, and I'm getting seriously tired of pushing.

THREE. I kind of have issues spending time with him, for different reasons than you might think. I go to hang out with my friends, and they always ask where he is, why didn't I bring him, etc. etc. I love that my friends love my brother, but I feel like when he's around... no one even looks twice at me. he's so much more... aggressive in a way with people than i am. he makes people listen to him. I'm quieter. I like people to choose to care about what I say. But the problem is... They don't. I try to participate in a discussion in a group of people and I am always talked over and ignored. No one thinks twice that I might have things to say or that I might want to be heard. but I do. I really do. I feel like my friends would all pick my brother over me in a heartbeat and wouldn't think twice that I might be hurt by it. Plus certain friends are encouraging him down paths I really would like them to NOT encourage him down. giving him a cigarette and then apologizing to me when I couldn't be there anymore and had to wait in the car because "I know where he is in his life and I sympathize" really doesn't cut it. The only way to sympathize with him is to drug him? I don't understand how that is supposed to help him. No one cares how I feel about anything. I hid in the car from the cigarette smoke and the fact that my brother was one of the three producing it, and so they follow me to the car and smoke right next to me. Don't you think there was a reason I was in the car? I wanted away from this shit. I just... I feel like the world around me is going to shit and I don't want to live like this anymore. But I don't have a choice.
I don't know what to do anymore... I need help, but don't know where to look.

Conflicted... - Lauren

So, the guy whom I liked is moving back. I'm really excited from a friend point of view, I missed him, but from another point of view I am entirely conflicted... I am not sure as of yet if I still like him, but I know I like him more than a good portion of my male friends. For a while a big thing in my mind against dating him was the whole religious thing, but we actually had a religious talk the other day, and his views aren't as weird as I thought they would be, and he was more okay with me being an atheist than I thought he would be. But... there still lies the one remaining hurdle that puts me off a little. Anytime I talk about my best friend he kind of clams up. My Lesbian best friend. And I talk about her an awful lot. I really don't know how to feel... but with the talks we've been having I hope that I can eventually get to the root and find out why, because maybe then it can be changed to where he can at least be vaguely comfortable with it. That, and he doesn't date anymore than I do, and I've been told why Montanna thinks that is, but I want to find out from him. I hope I can, because I do like him, and even if not for me, I'd like to be able to help him for the future...
But I suppose I want to help me too..? I just haven't figured out the best way to do that yet...

I wish you cared... - Lauren

I have come to the conclusion that I have to stop trying to be close friends with certain people. Like... I love them and all, but they make no effort, they don't ever want to hang out, they don't even give a shit about things like waiting for me when we walk to class every day, I get tired of chasing people down when they clearly don't care. the sad part? That happened today. I walk with a certain friend from class to the busses, and by the time I got out of my classroom she was already halfway down the hall from her class with someone else. No matter that that means that I get to walk myself. Who cares, right? It's been happening for a while, I'd been forcing myself in and she just has like two other people to talk to, so I end up walking with them but not really included, so today I didn't chase her down or wait outside her classroom for her, I just walked normally, and guess who didn't even notice I was right behind them, or even when I moved in front of them?
I hate it, but I think I just have to give up...
I hate giving up.
A lot

P.S. I'm writing a post about last weekend and my amazing surprise, but it's long. >< You don't have to read it, but... i feel like it should be documented. It'll be up eventually. XD

Soooo- Brianna

I talked to Malenie today
like fer the firs ttime since like the 1st week of school
but i dont mean
"hey how do you like school?"
i mean like
"hey so whats going on with us?"
it was really short cause we didnt really have anything to talk about
because really, nothing happened with us
and i mean what happened between her and martin,
is their business
not mine.
i just thought id talk to her about certain things.
but like after that talk we were like close
like as if weve been hanging out the whole school year
when it was only a day
shes really really cool
like i didnt expect her to be this cool
and i thought itd be weird between us
but honestly,
its just something that like all day we joked about
likei mean not what happened
but like how some how,
all this shit got us closer.
usually it tears people apart,
but..
i dunt know.
but yeah shes really cool nd im glad im getting to know her(:
like i said, this year is different fer me already,
so i mean all im gonna do is take it step by step,
day by day
go with the flow,
whatever you wanna say.
just gonna let things fall into place fer me,
if i see that theyre going in the wrong direction.
then ill do something about it
but fer now all i can say is
I Love High School(:
plus im actually getting guys today ;)
in fact 2nd period i felt like i was getting raped :/
stupid seth and paco..
i dont know.,
like its weird.
8th grade i thought i was happy
but i really wasnt
like yeah i had boyfriends and good grades and cool friends
but i just wasnt happy
at new tech,
even the days when im crying and feeling sick
and bloating and cramping and on my perioddd,
my days havent turned out bad so far
so this year my lifes turning around in a good way
and i lvoe it(:
i can finally Say:
Im Happy
\ive had boyfriends, ive gotten new friends, i have good grades,
like i mean in high school thats all that matters, and i have it all (:
oky so back to how awesoem my new best friend is :P haha
like my mom said i can invite one friend to Hutto
i thought about nilsa but shes doing her party
and i dun wanna invite lexi or mileena or fah
cause theyre going to her party
*i think**
soo i was thinking of inviting Malenie but
i dunt know like it seems to soon
if that maes sence.
haha
like with a boyfriend you dont go out on a dtae a week after you get together
with friends they dont hang out til like at elast a week
but i mean idkk were getting like kinda close quickly
so we'll see how the week goes
and just take it from there(:

Nice Friends - Lauren

So, i have a friend named JD. JD is rather christian, but sings and plays his guitar and Keymonica (real name - Tenor Melodica. Look it up. Best instrument ever.) all the time, he is really nice and really funny. He once told me and shea that we were like his dude friends, Shea got all upset at being called a dude, but he really just meant we were cool and he could talk to us. He's quite a perv at times, but only jokingly. But honestly... It may sound a little strange but It's kinda nice when he tells you how hot you are or tries to hold your hand. You know he's joking, but it still makes you feel good about yourself. He does it to tons of girls, but there are definitely ones he avoids, and it's nice to be included. Also it's never bad to get a compliment, no matter how silly and over the top it is. :) It's also never awkward for some reason. I mean, you know it's not like he likes you, from what I can tell he's still swooning over kate, who is a complete B**** and loud and obnoxious and Grrrr, I don't know why he likes her, she's so preppy and obnoxious, and is dating Nathan (who is in college now, though she's only a junior). But... It's just not weird ever. He calls Jordy 'The Hotter One' Because she's Kira's 'sister' and JD likes to remind her how much hotter she is than Kira. He, Chris Cody and I were driving to Sonic this morning (well, Chris was driving. XD) and he reached over and grabbed my hand, and told me I had to hold it, which I did, and then he was like "Look guys, I'm getting lucky! This is my form of getting lucky." It was really silly. I don't like him like that, he's just nice and funny and it's nice to get compliments now and again. ^_^ Ya know what I mean? Or do I sound completely crazy... XD

Never thought they'd be back - Lauren

So, everyone's got people they just aren't friends with anymore. But... There was one person for me, that the 'friendship' ended with them sortof ignoring me and then them telling me they thought that if They didn't say anything I'd just 'get the message' and move on, which didn't happen for a long time. It really hurt me and I was really changed by it. I finally did, and now they are back. One of my friends (they know who they are lol) has run into them. Brought up all the old thoughts and feelings I'd put away for good. See while I was finally over them, I apperantly am NOT over what they did and everything that happened. It hurt me too much, and is a big part of why I am who I am, not who I was. that person destroyed my whole view of the world as a good place and of people as being smart and kind (as I'd been very sheltered and not taught the lessons of the world normally.).
How do you forgive someone who's done that to you?
I'm pretty sure I can't.
But I don't know how to get over this so everytime they show up I don't go to pieces.

I'm gonna go hide in Final Fantasy Tactics (a video game I finally don't suck at) and think it over some more.
Thank whatever's out there for friends who care and listen, and won't get sick of hearing the story and how much you hurt.
Most of my friends are sick of it and don't care.
But I guess I know who My friends are. =/

The Odd Thing about my Friends - Lauren

So, my first week of senior year was rather full of ups and downs. Chamber and Acap are awesome, I had my first day in Acapella (Top level Mixed Choir) today after getting my schedule changed from being in Kantori, where i was the last two years, and this year it's almost entirely freshmen. O.o But yeah. Acap is awesome because we sound amazing and I have people to talk to in that class, mostly Chris and JD, and also Sara and Morgan. X3 
my first day, as you read, sucked, but my second day was pretty good, then it was just like waves, I have no one to talk to on A-Days (with the sole light in the day of Chamber), it's really sad honestly. lol. But B-Days are pretty awesome, Except the EXTREMELY boring Earth and Space Science class I'm in to make up 1/2 a credit of science from things not counting freshman year due to my starting late (FAIL). I now have last lunch both days, at 2:00. I'm so hungry by the time lunch rolls around, it's not even funny. ><
I went to the first football game of the season today (0-17, Round Rock is so fail, somehow Midway beat us.) and Like... It was really awesome at first. Hanging out with the choir kids, singing, sounding awesome, (We sing the national anthem and Alma Mater at the game)... Then we get to the game after practice and such, we sing, it's awesome, we go up the corner where the choir kids usually sit, I was supposed to find Smoothie (Dylan. XD His nickname. lolz) but I couldn't, Sara and Morgan left, JD didn't go, and Chris tends to be super scatterbrained around other tenors. That's the thing about sitting with the choir kids. They're so distracted and obnoxious, if you're not super obnoxious too they tend to forget you're in existence, and that happened to me. I don't know all the Acap people yet, i mean... I know who they are form 4 years of choir, but I don't -know- them. I'm obnoxiously shy around people I don't know, and the Acap people are very almost... Cliquish? When I tried to talk I was often ignored or unheard. I ended up sitting alone halfway through the game and no one but Tina Clark (everyone's worst enemy and creepy stalker from my past) noticed I was lonely. =(   Plus David seems to hate me, sophomore year me and marly were waiting in line and he randomly (Though I'd never talked to him before) told me I was a bitch and he thought we were scary. He seems to be acting nice and stuff, but Ice kept hitting my back and shoulders. The First time He was trying to hit Chris, but after that it got harder to believe. >.>Turns out Dylan had decided not to go so At least I didn't just miss him, but yeah... Kinda sucked. My brother had an awesome time, he had a free hugs sign, and he and his friends were creepers hugging everyone. Free hugs signs are good at cons and stuff... but a football game..? >< Confusing. 
Just read Sam's (my best friend's) status Saying "So tell me. Why do people hurt the ones they love and CONTINUE to hurt them, even when they know they're doing it? Cant you just be happy that you have someone amazing? Why do people have the need to lose the one great thing they have for something that might not even last?" and she has no idea that she is a HUGE doer of this, she knows all the shit she does hurts me and doesn't even care. She ignores me to talk to her girlfriend of the week 24/7, so I know she's not not texting, she's just ignoring me. And she tells me about times she can't text, but when she visited she spent every waking hour with her fingers glued to that phone. I seriously don't believe any form of that. I think she just doesn't care anymore. But then she talks about how much she misses and loves me and shit... When we do talk it's awesome, but that's VERY few and far between. 
Wish she'd see what she's doing, and how much it bothers and hurts me. 
Feels like I should be more important than whatever girlfriend she's got at the time. I'm her best friend of a long time, I should count. Shouldn't I?

So yeah... Big ups and downs, even within a day. Wish Life would even out a little bit.

Maybe Because... - Lauren

Look. You say that the shit that happens in my life is unimportant, and if on ly i had the perspective to see that, and in 6 months i won't even remember what it was, and Your problems are so much worse because they are big adult problems... You don't even know half of what I'm dealing with.

Maybe I get so wound up in the drama because there is so much more than you think there is, and it's far less stupid Shit than you think it is.
Maybe I get so upset because (and I'll start small here) The people I thought I was done with are back, and wanting more, and while I know I can't give into them, It hurts to know that I am the one who ended things, who had to give up. I never wanted to be that person, and it stings to know that those people made me be that person. I hate them all the more for it, and I never wanted to hate... Love was always the center of my life, but apperantly I don't get that either.
Maybe the reason I have so much trouble ignoring the three of them is because I really did care about them as friends, especially Amanda, and the betrayal hurt all the more.
Maybe I feel like a piece of shit for ignoring Amanda's pleas for me to talk to her despite everything she's done to me and those around me and all the lies is because I never actually told her why I was ignoring her, why i was so pissed off, why i couldn't even stand to look at her anymore. Maybe i feel like crap because I never wanted to be that girl. I really... really didn't.
Maybe it's because You keep teasing me about how I need to get a boyfriend, and you actually didn't believe me when I said (after you'd asked) no one had ever asked me out or even told me they liked me. It really doesn't help. It's like you think I don't care, like it doesn't bother me that everyone gets to be in love but me, and No one even seems vaguely interested. Sure, I'm comfortable being single, doesn't mean I like being teased about how I don't have a boyfriend! It most certainly doesn't help.
Maybe it's because I live with three males, who are always angsting, My brother is an angsty emo shit who is going to get himself into loads of trouble, and I can do nothing to stop him, and my best friend made me promise to stop meddling.  My uncle is a hermit who is usually in a rank mood and hates people. My dad is always stressed about money, life, health, being alone, my mother, my brother, my uncle, work, sleep, everything...
Maybe it's because my dad manages to make me feel like everything is my fault. I want to go to the mall tomorrow with some friends from camp, and that means (because though i tried, I have no alternative ride) he has to wake up at 6:30 to take my uncle to work on his day off so that he has control of the one car we  have so he can take me, but he has sleep apnea so he doesn't get enough sleep and it exhausts him to wake up that early, and It's my fault i wanted to do anything, then when conflict arises it's my fault I can't even be happy at he fact that he's making himself miserable so i can go to the mall and goof off, and Then it's my fault this can't turn into a positive conversation, now it's going to end badly. It's always my fault.
Maybe it's because my brother is getting himself into all sorts of shit. He's trying to get back with his Off-her-rocker Ex, instead of the really sweet SANE girl he's with now who made him stop cutting... as opposed to the other, who drinks other people's blood.
Maybe it's because I haven't seen my best friend in over a year now, even though I recently found out she's only 8 hours away...
Maybe it's because my best friend hardly speaks to me and when she does it's not for long.
Maybe it's because My best friend hasn't been my best friend since she moved on 4/7/08, and I can't come to terms with that because I love her more than I've ever loved anything, she's my sister and my other half, and the fact that she doesn't talk to me and has changed so much kills me. She's let hate take her over, let pain and suffering and woe become her new best friends, and she doesn't have time for the old one.
Maybe it's because my best friend is Always sick or injured, and is in and out of the hospital like it's nothing, and i never even know, and if i do it's nt till after if she decides it's important enough to tell me. 
Maybe it's because every time i talk to me best friend, even if we're fighting, i have to end the conversation with how much i love her and miss her and want to see her, because I'm terrified above all else that she's going to get sick, or hurt, and be in the hospital, and I won't know until... it's too late... Or she'll go under for surgery and never come back out. It scares the shit out of me, and I could never live with myself if the last thing I were to say to her was about how angry i was. if the last conversation we had wasn't about how much i love her. if she died and doubted me at all.
Or maybe it's the fact that even more than that... I'm terrified that if i end a conversation on a note that seems like I don't care about her, she'll... lose the will to live. She'll stop fighting the next sickness, she won't move as fast as she could out of the way of that car, she.. will try to stop her own life because I wasn't there to save her.
Maybe the reason I get so defensive about my photos and am so adamant about taking so many is because I'm terrified of losing those I care about. Even just losing memories about them. Maybe the reason i get into fights with marlena about the photos of herself from Sam's goodbye party two and a half years ago that she hates is because that was the last time my best friend was my best friend, and now that she's edited out it's like a big black spot on my memory. And she can say it's not, but it is.
Maybe it's the fact that I can't tell you any of this because somehow you always manage to make me feel worse about it for feeling bad about it in the first place. because you'll just tell me i need new friends and i need to not let it get to me. because you'll tell me that i won't know any of these people after high school anyways.
Maybe THAT is the reason I just spent an hour in the shower, and only the last ten minutes in there showering. Maybe THAT is the reason I spent the other 45 minutes sitting on the rug crying my eyes out staring at the blue hair-dye hand print that Sam left on the inside of the bathroom cabinet that she my brother and I all signed, the last time she was my best friend, who I love and will always keep deep in my heart, instead of this callous un-emotional, depressing girl she's turned into.

I don't know how to deal with all of this. I can normally do ok, but everything's stacking up again and miraculously after not bothering me for weeks my back hurts and my shoulder muscles are hard as rocks again, The tension is murder, I don't know how to live like this. I've got to do something, but I don't know what...

Nothing Much - Lauren

I've not got too much to say, I've been bored out of my mind waiting for school to start. =/

I've just read and watched the first 4 in the Harry Potter series, after finishing the first two eragon books and my summer reading for school. As I've been so bored, I've fallen into my old habit of reading incessantly, and I wonder why I stopped. I guess I ran out of things to read. =/ But It's back now. I've hardly put a book down all week! I made it through three harry potter books just yesterday. The problem is... With the rate I'm reading I'll have read my entire book collection before school starts (well... not really, but almost. O.o) ... ><

Other than reading and taking walks in the morning before it gets too hot the only thing I've been doing is thinking. A lot. My dad joked today that I wasn't very cuddly, and he said "Fine, if you aren't gonna be cuddly you've got to get a boyfriend, because I want Grandkids. Now." I know he's joking, but he's only vaguely joking about the finding a boyfriend thing. It comes up too often to just be a joke. And if it is... It's not very funny.
It's like people just think I'm weird for never having a boyfriend, they think I'm out of touch, or Honestly I've been called a lesbian, though I took little heed from it as my best friend is, so the only insult there is that they thought it was one. But.... It bothers me. As though I LIKE being the only one of my friend group never to have been asked out (I can't say without a boyfriend, Another friend hasn't... But She was asked out by a senior last year and another group friend confesses his love to her everyday in his own weird way, honestly I think while they both oddly resist it now... I think they may end up together one day. He's already infiltrated our group during school, he comes with on our formerly all girl Pizza days, he hangs out with us in the mornings, even when we abandon the group for quieter surroundings...We're stuck with him whether we like it or not - I don't mind most of the time, but sometimes i'd just like a bit of time away from guys with just my friends. ><). I most sincerely do not... I have indeed wondered if there's just something wrong with me, or if I was just that distasteful, or just that not pretty, I mean... When I hang out with the pretty girls in our group who date EVERYONE, it's kinda hard not to wonder these things occasionally.
It's a little sad to watch one of our numbers.... We used to be really close, nearly best friends (if we didn't have existing ones) then there was... Drama we couldn't pass and we didn't talk for about 6 months. Eventually we re-opened communication at school because it was REALLY awkward to be walking with The two of my friends and I lined up with our mutual friend in the middle, both of us involved in the same conversation with one, but completely ignoring each other. But she's... Losing touch. She was this adorable, perky, vaguely geeky in a cute way, tiny little thing that everyone loved, you were hard-pressed to find someone in our group that disliked her. She brought friends together, she welcomed new people to our group, clearly the leader. Now... She's never really worked for what she had looks-wide. Now she's gaining a bit of weight, getting visible cavities, wearing shorter skirts and more revealing shirts, not showering so her hair becomes this greasy, stringy cap on her head, she's not trying, but still expects everyone to love and follow her, when she's had falling outs with most of us at one time or another, when we talk to her again she seems to think that we've completely forgiven and forgotten her wrong-doings without her even admitting there were wrong-doings, she's become spoiled, and is sadly going to find out that things don't just... Happen. You've got to work for them if you've any real desire to make it happen. She can't expect every guy to fall for her, but of course... When you're easy people do anyway. I know that's awful to say, but... It's true.
But, sadly, WAY off topic. =/
I just... I get tired of feeling like I've failed.
I know I haven't... Not really. But... Some people just make me feel that way.

But you know honestly the only thing that keeps most of this at bay most of the time?
A certain someone we all know who brought us all here and her incessant efforts to Fix it.
She's decided it's her job, and sticks to it like a dog on a scent trail.
It gives me hope that my generation doesn't all suck.
And that some people really do still care.
Makes me feel like I can still try.
That there's no reason to give up hope just yet.
Plus she succeeded in something I didn't know was possible.
She brought out my Girly side and released the butterflies, and is determined to make me blush as much as humanly possible by bringing up a certain person at every opportunity.
Maybe there's hope for me yet. ;)

~~I can't set my hopes to high... Cuz every hello ends with a goodbye.

Weird... O.o - Lauren

I'm sitting in my room listening to the people in the other room rant about my mother. Dan dropped by to say Hi, so the boys (Dad, uncle bryan, Jim (brother), and Dan) are catching up, and that involves a lot of the same conversations about my mother. The funny part is, I've had very similar exchanges with a few people, including Nilsa. What brings this up, is that the mother I haven't seen since September who didn't even bother to tell me she was getting re-married joined facebook and friended some of my dad's friends, so of course he saw her wedding picture on there, and he's been all weird about it since. But ya know. Same ol, Same ol. The only thing that really bugs me is that I have a lot of stuff set to friends and networks, and we have some mutual friends, so she's part of networks. It creeps me out to think of her going through all my photos and statuses. It's not below her, she's showed up at my choir concerts without warning and then snuck back out again without a word at the end. It's bizzare.

On another note... I went to the pool with my friend yesterday, I was on facebook chat and I just got a chat from him saying he wanted to go to the pool, and didn't like going public places alone cuz it seems sad, so I went swimming with him, and the moment I said I was going out Dad and Jim were both like where're you going who're you going with etc etc, which was fine until they both decided to ask favors. Dad wanted a ride to the store cuz our car is in the shop, and Jim wanted to go with us cuz Brandon wouldn't take him to the pool. I told dad I didn't really want to ask him favors, and when I resignedly said Jim wanted to go he said No. XD It was pretty funny. But dad, after I asked about Jim and he was begging me to make him let Jim go, Dad just said "Jim... A cute boy asked Lauren to go to the pool with him, we'll hang out, it'll be fine." I denied, He's got a girlfriend, and JIm was like "Yeah, he's not her type anyways." I was like... Whaaat? I have a type? and if I did, how the hellz would you know about it? But yeah. So we went to the pool, we hung out, I discovered that it is possible to cut yourself with half a foam football, it was fun. ^_^ Then he took me home, we wandered around my house for a bit, he didn't really want to return home cuz he's grounded, his parents let him go to the pool cuz it's exercise. But he left eventually, and when he did dad muted his game, looked over at me, and was like. "Lauren, I'm not saying he's an awful person who would cheat on his girlfriend or anything, but... He likes you. At least, that's the signals he's giving off." and he rambled a bit, I went back to my room, took a shower, and damn him but I couldn't stop thinking about it. X.X I dunno how that works, He has a girlfriend, he liked another friend of ours, but that didn't work out, they are both pretty, skinny, tan, not really at all like me. =P I dunno, stupid mental block that won't believe anything like that. Happened last time too. Montanna got all mad at me. =/ But yeah. So I dunno what's going on or if dad's right, but it's a nice thought I suppose. Also, he left his key in my bag, and still has yet to come back and get it. P=

Well... That's my update for ya. I'm really bored sitting here at home, but OMG I can't wait for Potter Camp. *heart* this should be so fun. =3 i'm really excited for it, I'm staying at Nilsa's, a week out of thr house with somebody so awesome is gonna be great. XD I love my family... But living with three very high-strung guys get a liiiiiittle crazy and grating sometimes. V.V But hey. Week and a half!

I'm out!
~~Lauren~~

What makes it all worthwhile - Lauren

So, I had 8 people at my house today. 8 Loud, Obnoxious, rude, perverted and Foul people at my house today. These are the people That I call my friends. I hosted an Anime Marathon, not that we did all that much watching of actual Anime. We put it on and made fun if it, laughing uproariously and having a great time. We went from one till 10:30, when the last person Left. Gerda, Joe, Paul, Marlena, Darwin, My brother Jim, his 'friend' Ashley, Nilsa and I all had an amazing time bring huge dorks and laughing at the most perverted stuff. A portion of us pitched in and we bought the entire series pack of the powerpuff girls. (Nilsa has a share in it toooo) We got caught in the random texas ten minute rain doing it and it soaked us all, but it was worth it. ^_^ We had an amazing time.

And it's nights and friends and times like these that make all the shit worth living through.

I don't know how anyone could ever want to give that up.

I had a friend tell me she was considering suicide, (I won't go into details, no one needs to know who or why.) But... It just made me wonder what could be so bad that someone would voluntarily give all this up. I know things suck sometimes, but I'm a firm believer in 'it's always darkest before the dawn'. If you can make it through the shit that seems so bad to you, then when you get out then nothing ever seems as bad because you've had that moment of complete blackness and you go 'well, it's better than that at least'. The funny thing? even in my moments of complete blackness... Nothing ever seemed worth giving my life for. I know there's always more to live for and things to do, people who I love who it would make me too sad to think about not ever seeing again.

Even if you feel like you have nothing and nothing is worth living for. Take a real hard look around you.

People have friends they take for granted, family they love but don't always like, pets, neighbors, hobbies, favorite flavors of ice cream, think about never seeing any of that again.

How does that not just depress you?

So, nothing would ever be worth it to me to just give my life up for a silly emotional reaction.

So no worries my friends (those of you who are my friends anyway, and I suppose to thse of you i haven't met yet as well I guess too. XD) You don't have to worry about me going anywhere for a long long time.

Hey, guys!-Claudia

Hey, everyone! I'm Claudia, one of Nilsa's friends from church. She invited me to this blog a while ago, but I just haven't decided to make a post until now! I'm 14 and I just "graduated" (it seems cheesy to use that word for middle school, but whatever) from Kealing and now I guess I'm going to LASA at LBJ in the fall. My home school is McCallum, and sometimes I wish I was going there with all my friends, instead. It definitely would be a lot less pressure there, but I guess I can always switch schools....we'll see how that goes.

I live in North/Central Austin, right by the railroad tracks, which I adore walking along, laws be damned. I love downtown Austin and it's where I spend most of my free time, SoCo, Sixth Street, The Drag...hooray! I also love reading poetry and philosophy, writing stories and poems, drawing, and photography.

I also really like nerdy things like comic books, Harry Potter, and the interwebs, which I probably spend way too much time on.

I really don't have that much drama going on in my life anymore. I have three best friends from school, Elizabeth, Deborah, and Erika. We used to be in this huge group of people who hung out together, but you know how stuff in middle school goes...you lose friends to fights, drugs, and other people and that's just the way it is. Anyway, I'm much happier now with a small group of friends who are nice people and who I can always count on.

I don't have a boyfriend, though...never have had a REAL boyfriend, really. I've never even kissed anyone except for, like, Truth or Dare which doesn't even count. I mean, guys ask me out and everything, but I guess I just find guys my age...disappointing. That makes me sound kind of stuck up and annoying, but it's true.

My parents are divorced, but I hate it when people pull sympathy faces about it, I'm actually really glad they are, because when they were together it was hell. I have two little brothers, who are adorable yet irratating, and one older half brother, but he lives with his family and is old enough to be my dad, ha.

Anyway, this was just an introduction to me, hope it was okay! :)

My Summer - Lauren

My summer's been interesting. Thursday before we got out of school i went on an adventure in the park with Gerda Karen Stephanie and Jenny, Saturday was Graduation, I went with Choir and sang the nation anthem, I hung out with all my amazing choir friends before, it was awesome. my choir friends are the best. XD I can't wait for Acapella next year. And I cried, a really good friend i've known forever and the guy i like were graduating. Sunday Jenny had a pool party only attended by Me, Kristina, and Paul. I had briefly met Kristina before, but hadn't talked to her much and never met Paul, Kristina hadn't either, but we all got along really well. Then I did absolutely nothing for an entire week but hang out with my family and watch farscape, and i was BORED OUT OF MY MIND. then yesterday Kristina Paul and I got together at Kristina's house and hung out, I found out I suck really bad at first person shooter video games (Halo and Gears of war at least), we went for a walk, just hung out. Then they got into a cotton candy fight. It was a little odd because I get the feeling they like eachother, but haven't necessarily noticed it yet. I felt a bit like the third wheel (a feeling i'm getting tired of feeling). Then today we were all supposed to hang out again, but Montanna kidnapped me to go and hang out with her and Argenis, we went on an adventure to marble falls and went berry picking. XD then we made pocket pies with them. It was yummy. Apperantly Gerda and Dylan showed up at my house while i was out to see if i wanted to go get smoothies with them (which is awesome because Dylan's nickname is Smoothie) but i was at Montanna's house baking. >< The only day i'm busy, everyone wants to see me. Oy.

Things at home have been weird, we're completely broke and it's stressing everyone out to a major level, I have been trying to get out of the house as much as possible. But it doesn't work so well. ><
My best friend (who lives in Louisiana) is going into the hospital tomorrow for surgery on her knee, yet again (She broke it once and it never healed right, now about every six months or less it acts up again and they have to go in and fix it), and that's got me nervous as all hell. I wish I could be there for her more than anything. When we were little, every time she'd get sick I'd bake her cookies and walk them down to her house, one time through a thunder storm. I was always there when she needed me, when she was sick, and she for me, but now... It's like I don't even know until After, and I hate it. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her since last summer. We're both broke so we don't think we can get anywhere. It sucks so much, I wish more than anything else I could be with her when she wakes up from her surgery. I really, really do. I don't know what I'd do without her, She's my everything.
The guy I like is moving this summer, leaving in august, but while as a friend I'm bothered that he's leaving, I'm ok with the 'just friends' pact we talked out. Since he's leaving and such. I told him I liked him, he had indirectly told me he did before when we went on the blind date montanna set up with 'someone who likes me' (her words), but we're staying just friends. I think I'm ok with it, I mean... There are a couple of things about him that bug me. He's catholic, which comes with a mess of stuff including a deep distaste for gays, and considering I'm an athiest and my best friend is a lesbian... I'm not so ok with that. and he uses the word Nigga a lot, jokingly, but it's weird. I think I'm ok with everything. Stressed out in general, but ok. =)

Brown Eyes- Brianna

"Guess its just a silly song about you
And how i lost you
And your brown eyes" that describes a lot. a lot of my past. things that don't matter anymore. things that are two faced and liars. I'm sad my best friend doesn't talk to me any more but I'm also thanking him on the inside. cause if we were still talking, i don't think i would've stayed with Jason. and i cant even picture myself without him. one week 6 days makes it one or two months. depends on how you look at it. with Jesus, everything felt right and it was... perfect i never had doubts and honestly, it was kinda boring. with Jason things are amazing, not perfect but perfect is boring. like all these rumors make him prove to me he really does love me and so far hes done a really great job of showing me. i had my first kiss with him. hes changing me, and ill be the first to admit that, but i like it. like I'm more risky. after our first kiss i was terrified he'd try something in front of the cameras, now were kissing right in front of teachers. at his soccer game, i through my phone at Nilsa not even caring if shed catch it. *thankfully she did** and i slid across the bleachers. it was so cool. like its hard to describe but i guess you can say hes bringing out my rebellious side. i guess its not just him, but me growing as a person, and of course, Nilsa had a little something to do with it:) but anyways hes told me, and shown a lot of my friends that hes got a surprise for me. sadly, i cant see it til graduation. 4 more days. the only hints ive gotten is that its in a little red box, and that its hidden in the picture of a flower. but i guess i'll find out soon. so you wanna know what i found out yesterday? i can tie a cherry stem into a not :) haha it took me a lot of tries and when i finally got it, it took me a while but still! i can do it. haha. so Tuesdays my cast party and im supper excited for it. i think its gonna be a lot of fun. im hoping it will be. anyways, im pretty much done here. oh wait, no im not. i gotta explain what happened yesterdayy. so im extreamly terrified of heights. that includes five inches off the ground. that includes being picked up by someone. that includes anyone i trust. yesterday jason tried to pick me up, but i had to beg him not to he still tried, my eyes watered up and my heart beat increased quickly. he said he was sorry. i know he is. i guess i never mentioned it to him so its not his fault. anyways at our school after lunch we go out to the track and we get like 10 mins. to just chill out there. when the ten minutes are done, we have to line up in our line *were separated my gender** and then go inside. well yesterday, when they were calling us to line up, i started heading that way, but then jason led me to where no one could see us... sorta. and..bam.. and theennn at the end of the day we had a baskeball game. when it was over i waited about 5 minutes to say bye to jason but i didnt see him so i got on my bus. i felt something hit me so i lokoed out the window. jason hit me with a skittle to get my attention. i got off the bus and we did get to say bye before the three day weekendd :) haha okay now im done cause my sister just got home from her date with her boyfriendd nd she needs the computerr :P haha goodbyee!!

Friends? -Nilsa

Friends are supposed to make your life better, right? They're the ones who make you smile on a rainy day! But for some reason, as soon as I am out of her life, it becomes perfect. Dispite what people say, I can't get over the fact that that is proof of me being a bad friend. I was only in her way.

I realize I like Closure -Nilsa

Thanks to Brianna, I've realized this about myself.
Out of all of them, the only one who refuses to say hi to me, laugh at a joke I make in class or say 'excuse me' when she needs to walk by is HER. "Someone #1." It's pretty darn ironic.
The thing is, I hate just having to see her every day, not knowing how she feels or whats really happened.
Basically, what I've been thinking lately is that I just want to talk to her. I mean, now that everything has calmed down. I want to professionally, politely, and kindly talk about what has happened and share our sides of the stroy. No yelling, no blaming, and no crying (no promises for that last one on my part). It has to be face-to-face. I just really need this to happen. I need this to end in a healthy manner. It's been almost seven months since I recieved that horrible text; enough time for me to get all new friends but not enough time for the pain to cese in any way, shape or form. It's just been long enough for me to learn to deal with it. I'm almost at peace with myself... almost. But I need to do this. I just need the OK first.