Bothered - Lauren

You know, I've never much liked the part of me that when someone says something or something occurs to me... It just, Sticks, in my mind. It won't go away, it comes up when I'm thinking about other things, My brain creates weird daydreams of what could happen in that situation, every feeling I could naturally have on the person or situation, It's just frustrating and confusing when I can't think of anything else.

I've always been like that, always focused (So much so it's hard to sleep), always thinking, always fixated. Dad thinks I just sit around, but really I'm always engaged, always thinking, always puzzling or mulling things over in my head like the impossible rubix cube in my head that no amounts of logarithms can solve. He thinks I'm Lazy and contented to sit around and do nothing, but honestly... when I'm actually being lazy is when he's got the TV on and I'm watching because there's nothing else to do! I like Anime, and School, and books... Because they get me out of my head, let me stop THINKING for a little while. Dad knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and is a genius at figuring people out, but the one thing I ever really tried to hide from him he never guessed, and he doesn't realize how much I WISH sometimes I could just relax and space out. But no, I can't space out, I get so Frelling BORED. Because my brain Doesn't. Ever. Shut. Up. I can't sleep, I can't do anything else... I just think and do mindless crafts like knitting that allow me to get something done while I think. I tend to knit and watch anime while I think, so that I can stay busy, content, and not bored.

I hate summer.
It's so much easier to get bored when I'm home for three months.

The other problem, I Always -always- over-analyze things.
I watch a movie, and unless I try really hard I'm thinking out different paths it can go and how the movie will end, who will end up with who... I love surprises, I love to be swept away in it, so usually I try to turn it off. But... Then dad says 'don't jump to conclusions, you have to analyze and really THINK about the movie' but I'm trying hard not to most of the time, I just want to watch it and learn it's lesson. But I always try to find the moral of the story, I dislike movies without a real moral or lesson to tell you.
Someone tells me someone likes me, or they like someone, two friends are going out, or anything like that, I obsess over it, I watch the people, I think about it, I try to work it out in my head. I try to figure out (if it's someone else) If I like the person they've chosen, if I think they match, on and on my brain whirrs. If I'm told someone likes me (Which I have been twice, once They were right but he moved, the second I dunno if I believe yet) I can't stop thinking about that person, if I like them, if we have fun together, how long we can talk without getting bored, how much we have in common, why they would like me (I have long-dormant issues that have made me believe that no one could really like me... Long story...), and if it's the first one, Who they could be and what my reaction could be depending on who it was. Someone *CoughNilsaCough* Brings up people when she's trying to set me up, and I think about it... A LOT. Cuz again, brain doesn't shut up.

But you know... for all I complain, I am who I am, and I wouldn't change anything about me for the world. That's who I am, and either I'll do something about it myself, or it will stay that way. I'm smart, I think a LOT. It's who I am. Frustrating as it can be, I'm comfortable with that

Dreams? - Lauren

just had a really interesting dream that clearly demonstrates I've been watching far too much shoujo (girly) anime lately. O.o It was like my life as a shoujo, and it was... interesting. there was a lot of unneeded crying, and everything revolved around being in love with someone and the troubles that surrounded it. It was very strange because it would go from being completely real like a movie, to seeming like it had a layer of animation over it when the 'characters' would make weird faces. It was silly... But... I didn't want to wake up. I wondered if it wouldn't be so bad to live like this, to love and be loved and just be happy with that. But then I woke up, it faded away, and I'm back to being me.
I miss it, just a bit.

What makes it all worthwhile - Lauren

So, I had 8 people at my house today. 8 Loud, Obnoxious, rude, perverted and Foul people at my house today. These are the people That I call my friends. I hosted an Anime Marathon, not that we did all that much watching of actual Anime. We put it on and made fun if it, laughing uproariously and having a great time. We went from one till 10:30, when the last person Left. Gerda, Joe, Paul, Marlena, Darwin, My brother Jim, his 'friend' Ashley, Nilsa and I all had an amazing time bring huge dorks and laughing at the most perverted stuff. A portion of us pitched in and we bought the entire series pack of the powerpuff girls. (Nilsa has a share in it toooo) We got caught in the random texas ten minute rain doing it and it soaked us all, but it was worth it. ^_^ We had an amazing time.

And it's nights and friends and times like these that make all the shit worth living through.

I don't know how anyone could ever want to give that up.

I had a friend tell me she was considering suicide, (I won't go into details, no one needs to know who or why.) But... It just made me wonder what could be so bad that someone would voluntarily give all this up. I know things suck sometimes, but I'm a firm believer in 'it's always darkest before the dawn'. If you can make it through the shit that seems so bad to you, then when you get out then nothing ever seems as bad because you've had that moment of complete blackness and you go 'well, it's better than that at least'. The funny thing? even in my moments of complete blackness... Nothing ever seemed worth giving my life for. I know there's always more to live for and things to do, people who I love who it would make me too sad to think about not ever seeing again.

Even if you feel like you have nothing and nothing is worth living for. Take a real hard look around you.

People have friends they take for granted, family they love but don't always like, pets, neighbors, hobbies, favorite flavors of ice cream, think about never seeing any of that again.

How does that not just depress you?

So, nothing would ever be worth it to me to just give my life up for a silly emotional reaction.

So no worries my friends (those of you who are my friends anyway, and I suppose to thse of you i haven't met yet as well I guess too. XD) You don't have to worry about me going anywhere for a long long time.