Errr....?

So. I'm a sophomore.
I've survived the first three weeks with all A's so we'll see how much longer that'll last.
I'm doing guard again this year, buy I've also joined cheer.
First practice is on Tuesday and I'm excited.
My goal is to graduate next year so my grades are being taken pretty serious.
My friend Emily and I have made t a weekly thong to have adventures on Saturday's, usually leading to Sunday's too.
Moms got a new friend named John. She says he's eger to meet us.
Honestly, I could care less.
My birthdays in 9 days.
Finally 15.
Friends? They're better than ever.
I've kept most from last year, plus gained back the ones from 8th grade.
Drama? None yet.
My years going pretty good I can't complain, but at the same time, I feel like something's missing.
Last night Emily and I watched Prom.
Yes the Disney one.
It felt weird thinking that if all goes as planned, in two years I'll be out at Penn state alone.
With no one else there for me.
The thought slightly terrifies me.
Especially now since I'm second guessing what I want to do with my life.
So asidefrom that, there's the love interest.
I have two boys catching my eye this year.
My ex boyfriend Chino and my friend Richie.
Chino and I went out over the summer, it didn't last long cause he annoyed me.
Pretty bad right?
Well this year when we're together it's crazy.
We don't have any classes together so it's not a lot of time.
I get butterflies and when he kisses my cheek it's like...
I don't know. Like if he's the first.
I get the same feeling I got with my first boyfriend and I haven't felt that since we broke up.
So it's a pretty big deal, but I don't "love" chino.
Then theres Richie.
He's a total cutie, and in band.
I've always wanted to date someone in band, like we'd spend so much time together.
Plus, we have a class together.
4th period, which is super easy and we always have spare time.
So I met him this year and I've heard good things about him.
He's super quiet but a total flirt.
"he has an amazing personality and he's a joker. He'd treat you right"
At the football game on Friday he kept blowing me kisses. And telling ne he loves me.
He's dumb(:
So there's that.
Guards okay. I don't like our instructor though.
Oscars quitting.
I'm upset, but at the same time, it's his life.
And I really shouldn't care.
Honestly, I really want to start distancing myself from him.
I kinda already have.
I don't text him back as much, I tell him what he wants to know and move on.
No real conversations.
I don't know, like I reread my story I wrote about him,
And I realized that I think about that day too much.
And every time I do, I cry and I hate him for the night.
Then morning cones and I forgive him. It's terrible.
The ending of my story ends with my character never talking to him again.
I wish that's how my real life was.
I wish I had the balls to just stop, just like he did back in March.
Blegh I'm gonna start venting about a dumb boy...
So I'm done for tonight. I'm getting upset.
I'll wrte about it some other time.
I'm gonna do my hair, and go to sleep.
Goodnight <3

I've always wanted to date someone in band

Worst chocies- Brianna

So lately i feel as if my mom has been making the worst choices ever.
Shes dating this guy Kenn.
Hes liek the dumbest thing ever.
Why? Cause I said so.
anyways so she goes to work all day right?
comes home and has to deal with us three kids,
then study and do homework.
then sleep.
Some how she manages time to go out with him,
and just never finds time to GO BUY FOOD FOR US.
Believe it or not, but food doesnt just appear on plates.
So since theres no food, i ask her if i can use some of my saved up money to order Dominos later today.
Well.. i go loko for my envelope and guess what?
No Money.
so i ask her where it is,
she said in her closet.
which means stay out of it.
then i find out that out of the 700 i had in June.
i only have one hundred left.
I've only bought my Ipod.
So then she tells me that I cant order it.
bullshit.
Shes leaving work early and getting groceries.
she'll be home at 1:30.
anyways a few days ago, i asked her if i could spend the night at my friends house so i could have a ride to a concert that ive had plans for for thee longest time.
she said no, and that its to short notice, and im gonna have to skip it this time.
same shit she told me for NY and Kansas.
Saammee fucking shit.
Im tired of missing shit because of her.
Like how often am i gonna get to see my close friends mom get married?
Not many.
How many times am i gonna get asked to go to NY for a week?
Not much.
How many times are FTSK gonna do a free concert here in Austin?
More than likely, never again.
I cant wait til i leave and i can make my oen decisions, and i can go where ever i want, whenever i want.
i can spend my money how ever i want.
I can stay up as late as i want
i make my own choices.

Oh Manor... Brianna

So already, two girls have quit guard and have/ have wanted to come back.
It pisses me off.
Personally i feel that once you make the decision to not come anymore,
stick to it.
And i mean these girls are sort of friends with me,
so im not gonna bitch at them and start drama before school even starts,
but seriously?
Like its not fair to us, the kids, who work our butts off (most of us at least)
cause then we get held back trying to teach them the stuff we spent forever learning, and they shouldve been there.
but no, instead, we drop everything we're doing to be at their aid.
How dumb...
blegh im just so annoyed by people wuiting and then realizing what a mistake they made, and then just taking it back like its nothing.

Im bored- Brianna

My boyfriend.
Hes so terrible.
I dont know.
Like we dont click.
Like at all.
we've been going out for three weeks and our conversations look like this:
Him: babe i love you(:
Me: Haha aww thanks dear.
Him: Dont you love me??
Me: Mhhm.
Him: But not more than me right??
Me: No(:
like at first, it was cute.
but now, three weeks later, i dont even want to talk to him!
we cant hold a friggin conversation!!
Like, i get the first week or so its that honey moon stage right?
I hate it so much.
Its the dumbest thing in the world.
I try to get over it ASAP.
Especially after Martin.
Like i want a boyfriend who can make me feel safe, and secure, and wanting more, with him, i want less.
I havent texted him in a few days cause my phone died a while ago, and sicne then i just havent texted him.
I dont want to.
Is that bad? thats bad.'
Like i wanna break up with him, but at the same time,
i wanna wait til school starts to see if it gets any better when we're actually together, you know?
Ughh idk he just bores me with his talk of nothingness
So enough about my boyfriend.
My mom has a "Friend" ask she calls him.
They go out on dates, hes been over once,
and i dont wanna meet him.
im trying to avoid doing it, but she seems to try harder the more i resist.
he might stop by later tonight.
Im honestly really scared that he could be my step dad one day.
Like i dont want one.
my mom can get married when i go to college you know?
Anyways, im gonna go get ready for band camp tomorrow.
IM SO TIRED.
Like my feet are killing meee.!!

Boundaries- Brianna

I have personal boundaries i set for myself.
Certain topics are off limits to certain people.
My "Sex life", as small as that topic is, i keep that personal,
I hardly ever kiss and tell, and so why would i talk about anything else on that topic?
two of my friends and i got onto that topic a few nights ago and i told them,
cause they told me, so it seemed only fair,
five days later one of them is still teasing me about it,
i told her to hop off, and she got totally pissed,
saying how its not fair that i wont tell her about a certain thing.
Personally, the way i see it,
is that now that its not "that night" i dont have to tell her shit,
correct?
and i havent brought up her sex life since then,
so if im not asking is it fair that she is?
Anddd, if i dont want to talk about something,
dont you think its fair that i can keep it to myself?
The other day when i was sick she texted me
and i told her i was sick and that wed talk later
she texted me asking me about this certain thing,
so i replied "im insanely sick and thats all you can think about?"
Her response?
"Yeah"
Insanely upsetting..
Anyways but its saturday,
i get my ipod today,
I go to San Antonio today,
I have fun.
You should do the same

Simply cause i can- Brianna

So this post can go one of two ways
itll either be really short,
or itll trail on forever :3
probably the second one, but we'll see :D
So i think i had the 24 hour bugg,
it hurt.
i threw up.
and i slept forever.
band camp tomorrow :3
saturday we're going to DCI in San Antonio :3
its gonna be crazy fun.
I remember like forever ago me and Oscar promised to be bus buddies for band and school
good times :3
I kinda had this dream that he sat next to me and said "i dont want to break another promise"
insane right?
So im officially dating Chino, and i have for almost two weeks now.
its going good, i still havent seen him since the movies though,
and that is why i dont date in the summer :3
anyways so i was talking to my mom about it,
and she goes
"oh boy, hes still around? wheres Oscar?"
i just laughed and told her that despite what he said we still dont talk.
she rolled her eyes.
I said
"you just want me to marry him"
She said
"Well Brianna, you're going to. Its predestined."
Maybe shes right
but im hoping shes wrong.
and even if we do, itll end up in a divorce cause he stops talking to me one day :P
Soo i really wanna get my ipod tomorrow after my moms work so i can have it for the tripp
buuuut i dunno if my mom will let me
she wants me to wait until the weekend of my birthday.
how whack yes?
yes.
well i just called her and asked about it
She said she'll take me early Saturday morning :3
Did i already say i got the 24 hour bug?
or food poisoning.
im not sure.
all i know is that i made chicken yesterday for myself and that night i puked,
and puked and puuukkkeeeddd.
i just started feeling better about an hour ago,
but not by muchh.
im eating Mangos :3
well im gonna go ahead and get off
and stretch
and do my ten minutes of crunches.
Yes.
TEN.
10.
non stop.
:D
True story brahh.

Memories- Brianna

I love going back to last years posts and reminiscing.
Like I love reading about what i was doing a year ago to the day.
Is that weird? Well i like it, its kind of comforting, in a weird way :3
well anyways band camp was last week and it was loads of fun(:
on the last day though i pulled a muscle, and it still hurts D:
then again i havent really done anything to help it :3
i tried to do my splits yesterday and it hurt so so sooo bad!
So i guess today thats how ill be spending my day,
looking up home remedies on pulled muscles.
and stretching.
and TCSO :D
back to band camp.
I have it this week again but just Friday and Saturday, so im really excited :D
then we get one week off, then all of August is band camp :D
I love the excuse of having something to do.
I dont know, maybe im just a total loser :3
So my lifes kind of blan right now,
But honestly, ive got nothing better to do with my time right now -.-
so im gonna go ahead and stop noww :3

My Life... -Brianna

IS so complicated.
And Crazy.
and busy.
and stressful.
So that is why...
I might go to NYC in two weeks :3
and in two years, as my "senior trip" (since im gonna skip a grade)
I will be going on a tour of Europe!!!
And its crazy cause ive been so down lately, and i got invited to do this Sunday.
and its just... ahh(:
it couldnt have come at a more perfect time for me <3
so my flight for new york is my birthday present from my mummmm(:
Its only a 6 day trip buuut stilll (:
ill be with my bestest friend Casey <3
Anyways so Europe !!!!
We'll start out by staying in Germany for a while, Then head to Spain, then...
I T A L Y !!
I always talked about going to Italy as my senior trip, like just by myself before i go for college right?
well im really excited about it.
im getting my passport early 2012 cause i know it takes a while to get it so yeahh :)
I have band camp for the rest of this week and im super excited cause its so much fun.
Marching season is my favorite <3
My uncle from Cali is coming down here T O N I G H T !
Im dating Chino officially as of July 10th :3
Me and Shelby (my reaaallllyyyy amazing best friend/sister :D) have the same anniversary :3
Ahh its her first boyfriend so im really excited for her(:
Me on the other hand? this is my 5th, and i hope its different than the restt.
Hes a good guy so im happy(:
anyways i gotta go book my flight for NYC! (:
Goodbyeee <333
P.S. Guess whos getting her ipod replaced soon? (: <3

Movies.- Brianna

So last night i went to the movies with
Shelby, Lexi, Juan (Chino), D'Angelo, Fernando (Nando), Antonio, and... Oscar.
It was a lot of fun, the movie was good and I flirted here and there.
After the movie we went out to eat at a pizzeria and after that we went to a play ground :3
There was good and bad last night.
I'll talk about the bad first, simply cause its the one that affected me the most.
Oscar and Lexi kept making out during the movie,
and i was only one seat away.
Well... back in February there was a big deal with Oscar and I never blogged about it because i just wanted to forget about it. But I think its time i get it off my chest.
Theres a ditch by my house and we kind of called it "out spot".
There was this one time he came over and we went out there.
He kept kissing my neck and i tried to get him off but he wouldnt and he begged me to let him.
and i felt like i owed it to him... why?
I dont know.... but i did. so i let him.
Anyways not even two months later we had completely stopped talking.
and i think thats why.
Anyways while we were there i had such a terrible feeling in my stomach i mean i wanted to puke and when we got home i coldnt even make eye contact with him. It was just so terrible.
To try to forget about it i wrote a story about it and it didnt help.
but anyways so them making out next to me just reminded me of that night,
and i got the same feeling in my tummy. I left the theater three times because i felt like i was going to puke.
Anyways so after the movie, everyone wanted to go to Which Wich... where oscar and i had our first date.
I told everyone they could go and that ill just meet them at the pizzeria but everyone just ended up going with me to the pizzeria.
so after Oscar and Chino left we actually ended up going into Which Wich.
My heart like sank.'It was so terrible.
but i put up with it cause i had to.
So on top of all of this, Oscar never said a word to me.
And even though i told myself i didnt want him to,
i really wish he wouldve.
Like if he could just acknowledge the fact that he hurt me... ?
Errr hes a boy i cant expect much right?
Enough about the bad cause im starting to feel down again, and its only noon.
During the movie Chino sat next to me, and ive kinda liked him for a bit now.
Hes been my "boyfriend" for two months and ive liked him for like 2-3 weeks.
well anyways he was totally flirting with me during the movie, but like the "Tease" i am, id push him off me only so i could be all over him and then stop and then repeat.
im not gonna lie, it was a lot of fun just flirting, like not caring, and just doing.
At the pizzeria he sat next to me again and again we flirted.
He also held my hand :3
So he owed me a kiss from a bet we had but he never gave it to me, when i got home he told me it was cause he didnt want everyone to see us.
i think thats really cute that hes shy.
He also told me he had a surprise for me, so at the play ground i asked him for it but he said he wanted mine first.
It was just a kiss.
so i tried to get us alone where no one would watch, but with out friends, its kind of impossible :3
anyways so He ended up leaving before i got mine and he got his.
When i texted him asking about it he told me.
He asked me out :)
I was reaally happy but...
I dont date in the summer.
its one of my many rules :3
so i told him that i really do like him but i dont date in the summer.
and he was really okay with it, and that made me even happier.
he said "Okay amor but just know when school starts you're mine(:"
Like i liked that he didnt question me about it or take it back
Haha :3
So he got bonus points for being shy and okay with my rule.
The reason he didnt ask me at the park?
"i wanted to ask you when we were alone"
:)
Hes so adorable.
So i have band camp in four days and im pretty excited.
Thursday practices have ended so its just the three band camps we have this summer.
So yeah im ready :3
My cousin/really close friend Julianna came to visit us :3
I hadnt seen her in almost 6 years, and i missed her like crazy!
Shes a month older than me, and we've known each other since i was born.
So moving really sucked.
buuut my point is she came for a few days and it was a blast!
She came over the first day she was here, the second we threw her an early surprise birthday party, tuesday she went to Shliterbahn, Wednesday we had this party until like 1 in the morning, then thursday she left.
I missed her loads and it was amazing seeing her again!
Shes so beautiful.
Secretly, its because of her that ive always wanted to be a dancer :3
We did that and gymnastics together growing up so yeahh :3
anyways so yeah i had a blast and our friendship picked up where it last ended back in Cali
I had a good time at the movies over all,
And my summers going pretty great.
Soo thats all you need to know for noww :3
P.S. this is the second most comforting thing to me, i mean writing and all, thats the whole reason im turning that story i talked about ^^ up thurrr, into a movie :3
We start shooting in December ish :D KayThanksBye (:

I'm really missing him today... -Brianna

Oscar.
Today i went out to where we had our first date and it was terrible
i wanted to cry so badly, my eyes kept watering and i realized that im missing him.
Why is it so hard for me to just forget about him?
Then on the way home, You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift came on the radio and my mom asks
"Hey so whats going on with you and Oscar?"
Like today of all days, she asks today,
the first day ive thought about him in almost a month!
I replied
"well i deleted his number... we dont talk any more"
What she said?
"Brianna... You're gonna marry that boy i swear."
It just made me miss him a little more you know?
Like i miss him so much i just wanna like cuddle with Hollywood and stay there for forever :/
Well im going out tonight and hopefully ill get over this.
My really close friend from California is coming down tomorrow for a few days and im really excited to see her.
Shes a month older than me, and our parents have known each other for 16 ish years,
which means we've known each other our whole lives.
Anyways i havent seen her in just about 6 years,
so yeahh i get to see her tomorrow and stuff.
so yeah im going know cause i dont wanna cry any moree -.-
Good bye bloggg.
Until something like this happens again :3
P.s. I hope you're enjoying your summer. <3

Awww - Lauren

So last night I was sleeping over with my friend Leia, and we ended up watching 'scary' movies (which I never do, I find them stupid.) But she likes them, so we were. We watched The Last Exorcist, which was fine but lame, and then we put in The Ring, and for the first time in my life I was actually disturbed by a movie. Of course by the time it finished it was around one and Leia had been asleep about an hour. I felt like a total chicken for being creeped out, but I couldn't sleep, so I was texting John. I eventually fell asleep, but I kept rolling over and waking up every so often, but around 4 AM I woke up and happened to look at my phone, which had a text from John. I hid it under the blanket as to not wake Leia and loaded the messages... And this is what I had.

My Darling Love Lauren: Soft and warm Sealed with care Sweet and kind Will ever share Brave and strong Yet so fair That is her She's always there Sensitive To despair Harkens to others Welfare Delicate she's elsewhere Beautiful Beyond compare if you meet her Best Beware She'll steal your heart unaware Her name is love This I swear There's none like her Anywhere
Love you baby ;)


I read it over and over and I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, and needless to say when I read it and fell back asleep I had no more creeping nightmares. <3

Summer of 2011- Brianna(:

This summer has been going so smoothly!
I adore every minute of it!
There's only two days i don't go out,
Wednesdays and Thursdays. reasons why?
Wednesday i have TCSO so i don't go out just to save my energy for that
and Thursdays cause Ive got practice
(yes we practice all summer long! insane? a bit)
like okay here's my map out of last week.
starting with Friday:
I went to the Domain with Shelby(:
Saturday: Karaoke and went to spend the night at Shelbys house
Sunday: Spent the night again at shelbys house
Monday: i went home and went out with my family (:
Tuesday: I went to the Domain again :D
Wednesday: i had tsco
Thursday: i have practice tonight
Friday: i have a date x)
Saturday: i have another date and Karaoke :D
that's just one week x)
anyways there's 9 weeks left of summer,
a little less but you know rounding off(:
i might be going to Vegas next month, not sure, but i might :D
Im less then sure,
but there's a chance ill be going to South Padre Island in August(:
Like i mean it sounds like everything's all peachy, but there's of course things that have made me upset, but i have to over look them.
like Oscar and i were close again for a while, and then he just stopped texting me.
what did i do?
i deleted his number.
im not playing anymore,
and he is, so when he grows up maybe he'll have another chance.
I've also promised myself im not gonna date anyone until November,
just so that i can get settled into the new school year, and the crazy schedule.
Like Ive got band practice in the morning, and we might have after school practice as well, then Ive got robotics.
and this up coming summer, im doing summer school to get ahead, and ACC classes to get extra credits.
Did i mention my new life goal?
Early graduation, and early acceptance, full scholarship to UCLA.
For what? im not sure. but that's my goal.
Anyways, this summer im getting my
"Certificate of age"
so i can start working soon.
Oh, next summer, im also taking driving lessons (:
so that's whats up with my life.
Summer band starts in July. July 13th to be exact.
13th-15th
then 22nd-23rd
and then
two weeks before school starts,
and then daily x)
im excited.
i saw our costumes.
we got a new instructor.
new members.
new equipment.
and apperently everyone grew money trees.
Our payment, just for the marching season is almost $400
Im so scared to see what it'll look like for Winter guard!
So this year, i got 10 credits and my GPA so far is a 3.8
Im really proud of myself.
Couls you imagine me graduating at 16?
im already graduating at 17, so already a year ahead,
I'd start college at 16.
i mean id only be 16 for a month but stiiilllll.
Its a bit exciting.
Anyways so im gonna go enjoy this day before i start getting ready for practiceee
Enjoy your summer my dears(:

I feel Weird... - Lauren

John and I are Five months on Tuesday.
Five  months. That's a long time, especially for me.
He's my first real boyfriend, and the first person to ever tell me he loves me.

Because of the fact that I had to wait until I was nearly -18- years old before this happened, I developed some issues. I didn't hate myself. but I didn't really think I was worth anything.
And because of -that- I had some terrible self-image issues and due to -that- I had... Intimacy issues. 
Well I've broken that. I broke through my issues and finally was able to open up and stop hating on myself, I finally understand that I -am- worth something to at least one someone, and so today...
Well lemme show you the message I sent to Sam and Shea after the fact.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

• 

  6 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • Soooo...
    I was hanging out with John today, he was over to help me clean up and deal with shit, and I figure the both of you might kill me if I didn't tell you when my first time was, sooooo there's that. ^////^;; He ran to go get us lunch so I'm sending this. But dad just got home so I'm hitting send and making it go away now!
    
    Love yas!
    
    Please no murder. ♥
• 

  6 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Not exactly how I thought you'd lose your viriginity but fair enough! Hope you used protection~ ♥ And noworries, I wont murder you... Not yet. >>
• 

  6 hours ago

  Shea Kilgannon

  • :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
    
    You're too cute.
    My little girl is growing up so fast. :'D
    ♥
• 

  5 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • You've thought about it? ^^;; And yes, of course I did. P: Yet? D: Is there a reason you're going to murder me? O.O
    
    Ooooomigod shea. XD So many smileys ^^;;
• 

  5 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Well, I just knew you to be so conservative and what not. Plus with your last relationship with dog face.... I dunno, it was just sort of a surprise for me I guess. *shrugs* And good girl. Least you use your brain unlike your brother.
• 

  5 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • I know. I didn't want to for a long time, but come tuesday we'll have been together five months... >///<;;
    Well Dog face and I never did anything, John was my first kiss. You know that. P: I'm finally completely over him and everything that happened. :3
    This whole thing is still a surprise to me, I'm still working on the whole believing someone else can like me like that thing, but... he really does love me. ♥ And I love him. ^/////^
    
    And you know me, I'm all brains. The boy one... not so much ^^;;
• 

  5 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Indeed. Well, I'm glad you used your head hun. I hope you and him can go the distance. And ps, dog face lost something good.
• 

  2 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • Thanks hun. ♥
    He did, didn't he...
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    So yeah. There's that. ^^;;
    And this is titled I feel Weird because I do kind of, but not like I expected. 
    I think i worked myself up for it to be this huge deal, and it really wasn't. 
    I just feel kindof dazed, and sleepy. Lol. 
    Though... somehow I do feel a bit different, I guess because of Sam's reaction to my being so conservative, I was. really bad. and I've loosened up a lot, so I guess I'm letting go of that conservative tight person who hates shorts and tank tops and swearing and showing skin... I'm loosening up, and calming down. It feels nice, I don't think I realized how tightly I was wound. 
    But... It's weird. I'm losing who I was for so long... It's not bad, I don't think, but it is definitely... Weird.

BEST ever :D - Lauren

When I get all stressed, music is absolutely my best stress reliever.

It's even better when no one's home and I can blast my music at obnoxious volumes and sing at the top of my lungs until my voice breaks

Today I even added in dancing around like a complete idiot.

I feel great. :D

My very last Spring Show - Lauren

I had my very last choir concert last night. It was a terribly sad ordeal. The concert went awesomely, we fumbled a little on the words or timing, but all in all it wasn't so bad. I had a lot of fun. When it let out I greeted my family, then went to talk to all the remaining choir kids. I gave Chris, Jd, and Sara like five minute hugs, Then found John and gave him a super hug, and he had been standing with Zz and JB, and Zz was crying her eyes out, and she wasn't even in the concert. I had been fighting crying for the last like ten minutes, and so we hugged and cried together.
Afterwards the four of us (Zz and I along with respective boyfriends) went to McDonald's for ice cream, and hung out there till like eleven playing cards. XD Zz and I got into a French Fry fight, and john and JB tried to stop us without really succeeding. XD It was so much fun.
Despite all Kira and I have been through I couldn't think of a better person to end my Choir concert with, She was my first choir friend and she introduced me to like all of my friends, and just... Despite all of our terrible fights, we're pretty much okay now, I'm really glad we're friends again, I missed all the stupidness we get into. :) Like trying to get french fries down each others shirts. Ya know... if someone is trying to throw french fries down your shirt, don't block, because then you end up squishing the french fries against your chest and it's really fricking nasty. XD
I'm really sad it's over, this year seems like it went by so fast, We have our picnic this saturday then.... That's it. TT-TT
But despite how sad I am now, I'm SO glad I got to do it, Chamber and Acap have been amazing, and I'm so glad for the opportunity. <3

Happy - Lauren

Wow…. SO I haven’t posted on here since March 8^th. That’s insane.

So much has changed in those two months…

I am very proud to say that I am actually happy.

I spent so long with nothing in my life that made me truly happy, and now I have it.

Chamber is amazing; we’re finally like our own little family. I love it, and being in Acapella, I really am a Choir kid at heart :) I auditioned for a spring show solo today; I think it went well actually, I’m nervous. ><;;  Our spring show (And my last concert) is on Tuesday… I’m going to cry my eyes out, I’m so sad it’s over…

I’m graduating in three weeks. That’s some scary shit. I know I have to take at least a year off to work because I have to start from Zero. I’m supposedly moving out after Christmas, I was going to move out in July but plans fell through….

I am no longer friends with Montanna. We got into an Enormous fight, I started it because I was pissed off that I found out she and mike are engaged, after she swore to me they were broken up, and that I found out through Courtney because she didn’t have the guts to tell me. She turned it on me and accused me of spreading rumors and said all sorts of nasty shit about me. She apologized over Facebook after the fight, but I told her that I accepted the apology and apologized as well, but some of the stuff she said really hurt me and we’d have to work on that whole trust thing, and she never even bothered to respond. So I’m done. She was here one day because she and Jim still hang out, but it was really awkward. We were nice and all, but I know now that someone who can so easily believe those things about me probably isn’t someone I need to be spending all that much time with. I’m pretty comfortable with it, I mean… I wish it didn’t have to be like this but after someone breaks my trust it’s really hard to get it back again…

But I AM probably moving in with Shea, Rowan, and Dylan. :) I’m totally happy with that, I think the four of us would work really well together ^^

Shea and Jenny aren’t speaking, for real this time. Jenny brought Shea’s ex to prom, and Shea flipped. It was the last straw; they’d been at each other for weeks. Shea kicked her out.

Kira and I are talking again. We’re actually vaguely friends again ^^;; I didn’t think that would happen, but in light of more recent real fights I realized the reasons I wasn’t friends with her for were silly. I mean, they were more important at the time, but it’s been so long… And really, there wasn’t any reason to be mad anymore. She’s changed too, she matured. She found someone she’s actually really happy with and he’s a great guy and its done wonders for her :) She, JB (her bf), Shea and I went to prom together; It was a lot of fun once we got past Jenny screaming her head off at Shea in the middle of it. ><;;

John and I are on four months this coming Tuesday; He makes me so happy it’s not even funny. <3 It feels so much longer than that, but it’s only been four months… I really do love him. ;) I’m slowly getting over all the issues that built up in me over the past 18 years of being single and thinking I wasn’t worth anything… I’m getting past it, and every day that goes by I get better and better at believing that I am. Better and better at being happy.

I haven’t talked to Sam much, but we’re making some progress. I’ve decided to (at least on Fb) call her Spaz, because I just get so confused with Sam/Spencer/He/She, and her Fb name is Spencer ‘Spaz’ Sanders. P: So, I’m really trying to accommodate what Spaz wants. I’ve recently realized that it’s kindof like Spaz is the Brother I don’t talk to very often. Shea is my best friend, and I am hers as she recently told me, and I am completely happy with that. I wish I talked to Sam a little more, but as I get happier I get better at accepting things in my life I can’t really change.

I’m writing a book. It is really sad, but I’m honestly loving it. I got it from a dream I had, and I’m just working on writing it out. I’m a good 15 typed pages in, and I’ve written the end already.  It’ll take work, but I have time :)

So, I am happy. I still have problems, but it just seems so much easier to deal with them now.

I’m just….. Happy. :)

Im Setteling- brianna

i perfer guys who ask me out in person
but im setteling for him, who asked over FB
I love it when guys hold my hand
but im setteling for him, who hardly makes eye contact
I love it when guys wrap their arms around my waist,
but im setteling for him, and his arm around my shoulder.
I like a guy to smile at me randomly,
but im setteling for him, and his lack of eye contact (YES I STATE THAT AGAIN!)
I perfer holding actual conversations with guys i have relationships with
but im setteling for him, and his lack of communication.
I prefer guys who can make me smile,
and make me happy,
and give me butterflies
and make me feel special
and like im a princess
or even better, a queen.
But im setteling for him, because he likes me.
I perfer guys who get good grades,
who dont make me look stupid
or too smart
but im setteling for him and his lack of work.
I like guys who just hug me, just because they can.
but im setteling for him and his lack of affection.
I love guys who make me happy.
but im setteling for him and his lack of... joy.
My friend Jesus asked me out, and i said yes.
its late in the year and its pointless to have a relationship so late,
but ive been single for so long, i think this will help me appreciate it.
I doubt we're gonna last,
but i mean why not right?
i told him i dont want anything serious and i dont.
We've been going out one day and i already dont feel happy.
he doesnt make an effort to hang out with me.
i have to go with him and his friends,
where i feel totally out of place.
and where i feel like just a peice of arm candy.
im not happy,
but im setteling.

Wow.

So its been just about a month since anyone has posted here.
isnt it crazy how fast time goes?
well a lot has gone down to.
a lot of pointless drama i can hardly remember but its high school
what else should i expet right?(:
Well i'll tell you the major things that have happened
1. color guard got third place in states(:
2. Oscar has stopped texting me
3. i finally got my dress(:
4. Ive matured..(:
so One, we went to states on April 2nd. it was such a stressful morning.
i forgot my earings, so my mom had to go back home get them go back down to Huston, then give them to me,
once i got them they fell and broke
i had to use eyelash glue to fix them,
then right before we went on to preform i remembered that i forgot one of our probs. luckily Will went to go get it
so obviously, i had a bad feeling about the show right?
I stated crying in the middle of it, and at the end of it, and at the end of it, almost everyone on the team was.
it was crazy.
when awards came no one cared about the scores, we knew we did our best and we couldnt take it back or redo it. we placed third with almost a point sperating us and the other two teams.
it was crazy. Its by far without a doubt one of the most amazing memories of the year.
TWOOOO:
Sadly, it sucks a lot. Since Mardi Gras a lot has been going on at home and with family. and so it sucks that thats around the time that things started to majorly change for us. You know like when i needed a shoulder to lean on the most, hes gone. But i know things happen for a reason and so whatever the reason is here, its whatever. I just hope he doesnt expect it to be like nothing ever happened when he comes into high school. Like i dont want him to be all "brianna, my best friend" when hes not being a best friend to me you know? But im not gonna lie, it sucks a lot when the only person who knows whats happening and the only person you want to talk to about it, doesnt wanna talk about anything at all.
THREE: My birthdays coming up in about five months, and i finally got my dress(: today. its pretty but its not like "the perfect dress" or anything. its what mom "could afford" so im not all that happy but its okay. its still pretty. either way its gonna be a fun party regardless of the dress. i hope.
FOURRR: Wow. im such a different person that i was a year ago.
just about a year ago, exaclly a year and 6 days ago, we had UIL for our one act play. and i was soo in love with Jesus. I remember i lost my phone last year this time. i remember Melissa told me jason and Kathy were FWB. I was dating Jason this time last year. Oh gosh i was a mess this time last year. this time last year Nilsa, Cesi, and i were all suuuuper close. this time last year i knew who i could trust and who i couldnt. this time last year i HATED going home, i would always stay after school. This time last year i was so different its soo crazy how much changes. Like in some ways im the same insecure little girl who would do anything for attention, but in other ways i look back and think "wow, what a big ass mistake that was" but even things from like Feb. i regret doing. things with Oscar, things with Martin, Seth, Marcos. Gosh i loved 2010. the only thing i would change is the guys i dated. every single one except for... Jesus(: i think hes gonna be the only guy i dont regret dating. except like the gy i date who turns into my husband. but that wont happen for a while :P Like hes the only guy i dont regret doing thins with like dating, and our first kiss together? it was so great. Like even now, im smiling thinking about everything we did. Christmas break 2009-2010 when he called me every day and i got super excited for it. When he would kiss my cheek and id get these butterflies. How heartbroken i was back in Oct. when he kissed me then told me he had a girlfriend. Oh gosh i cried from that moment, to Monday morning. it was insane, i guess you never turely get over your first love. Now i havent had a relationship in 8 months as of 29th of this month. Damn school started 8 months ago today, we only h ave 6 weeks of school left and yet i feel like i havent done anything. TAKS is next week,color guard recurtment starts the first week of may, the week after that we're going on our band trip, and then after that theres only three weeks left! damn man, i really need to start taking care of my childhood. like actually allowing myself to have one. you know? make plans, like bowling, mall, movies, park, apap. (: ill start on that now :P

I am so happy(:- Brianna

Things just went so well today.
Like i made plans with friends,
we had a BLAST
and i dont know
everything just feels...
right.
School is amazing. i love my school.
theres like one class that i find "hard" right now
and its only because of the project that were doing.
durring lunch i sit with Casey.
Shes seriously like my second best friend right now.
its great.
we eat in the courtyard so it makes us feel cool x)
LOL.
My cousins transfering there next year,
Oscar and Lexi might be there,
Alexis Rubio might be there,
like i have really high hopes for next year.
Today was soo much fun. after school Casey CAME
home with me and we met up with some friends.
we walked to our old elementary, then a park, then a store, then back home (:
we had loads of fun.
Me and Oscar are kind of really acting like the best friends i missed us being.
Lately hes been busy so we dotn text as much but i understand right? well tonight its like none of that ever happend and its normal like in the begining of the year.
Tonight for the first time he called me Beautiful and has actually written out "Ilove you" more than 4 times :P
Tomorrow weve got a family trip to San Antonio and im totally excited.
Tanning and Walkikng :D
Were going to the zoo x)
Im excited loads(:
Sunday is back to work but its okay hopefully ill get all i need done (:
Well its alnmost 11 and i need sleep :P
Goodnight Blog.
and thanks for always being here cause i know a lot of friends and i have grown distant this year. So i thank you love(: hehe
Goodnight <3
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME <3

I need a life- Brianna

I feel like everyone has a life but me.
Everyone has plans for Friday nights,
saturday afternoons,
and Sunday mornings,
while i just sit here and beg my mom to let me to do something.
im in high school.
shouldnt i be totally booked and so "I'll get back to you" should be my most commonly used excuse right?
nope.
"Sorry i have a project due soon"
is more like it :/
i really need to start going out,
and getting friends who will make plans with me.
But no. instead i sit here while listening to Pandora Radio,
praying SOMEONE will text me :/
i hate letting time go to waste but this spring break was the worst thing that couldve happened to me.
i usually BEG for days off, but so i can do things with friends.
instead i write to myself, and anyone whos stuck around long enough to still read this, about how im a total loser D:
So im gonna make myself better by talking about the rest of the school year:
This friday im skipping school to go to San Antonio, which will be a two day trip cause on saturday i have competition,
next friday im leaving early cause ive got a two day competition (state champs.) in Huston.
The fourth, ill be skipping school because of a dentist appointment.
sometime durring the month of april ill be skipping another two days (or having half days) to do "tours" to the middle schools about Color/winterguard.
Then the 13th of may ill be skipping to leave for our band trip(:
After that the school years going to FLYYYYYY by.
Or at least i hope it does.
Already the weeks are going by pretty quickly which is making me soo happy.
So my freshman year wasnt as great as i hoped it would be but you know, ive got 11 weeks left, i should just make the best of those 11 mondays 11 tuesdays 11 wednesdays 11 thursdays and 11 fridays. And i hope to also take advantage of my 8 free Saturdays i have left.
So that number (nine) just freaked me out a little.
holy shit.
i have Nine chances to hang with friends before the school years over.
Damn..
And soon enough, by like mid-April ill be busy starting to plan my quince.
Things needed for a quince:
Dress
Guest list
Theme
Food
Entertainment
Father-Daughter Dance
Court (sometimes)
Building to hold it in
Decorations
What We Have:
Half way done with the Father-Daughter Dance.
"Building" To hold it in,
(my grandpas ranch)
and SOME decorations, but like little things.
thats it. so ive gota busy summer ahead of me.
Pluuus i want to have an after party at my house.
So yeah, around April i gotta start worrying about that
and my July- August i have to order my dress.
Basically by August all we should have to do is finish buying decorations.
Ive already got 600 bucks saved up for it so itll be fun.
my sisters only had 1000 so if i have even just the slightest bit more itll be good(:
Anyways, im gonna go ask my mom to take me out somewhere (:
Goodbyeee!

So like-Brianna

i know i talk about my best friend all the time
but i never talk about WHY i love him to death
or WHY hes amazing.
So i think i will.
because hes just totally made me super happy this past week(:
When we met last year in the nurses office, i knew we'd get to know each other
and i knew there was a chance that wed become really close friends.
but i NEVER imagined it to be this amazing
or this close.
I never thought HED be the one who holds all of my secrets
and all of my trust.
we got to know each other a little better and by the time auditions rolled around i found myself wanting to audition with HIM.
Well, i did.
but we didnt really talk after that
after rehearsals started we talked more and more
and got closer and closer
we took advantage of the time we had to spend with each other.
like second period theatre arts.
probably my favorite class last year.
not gonna lie, mainly because of him.
it was weird cause to this day, a year and plus some after being soo close to him ive never had a crush on him.
and at times i really wish i did.
cause in all honesty, i reaaally wouldnt be surprised if end up dating again, or in al honesty, were so perfect for each other that i can see us being happily married.
infact today we were joking around about that too.
and the other day at lunch my friend caleb said "damn it brianna if you dont marry him hes going to turn gay and its going to be all our fault!"
he was so serious.
my mom agrees with him.
and Oscar thinks theres a possibility.
So i havent seen him in two weeks.
i miss him like crazy D:
we text a lot but its not the same.
and right now my family is going through something really hard to deal with and i reeeally need his comforting hugs,
but instead i just get Hollywood and his Axe spray.
anyways
as to why i love him:
hes always there for me.
i dont think ive gone through ANYTHING alone since i met him.
we've been on four dates and every single time we had soo much fun.
hes my ex boyfriend. but i hardly remember sometimes.
^ why?
Well, you see, ive never had a crush on him so we dated for a week then decided that we're just to good of friends to risk it.
Plus i think the pressure from everyone telling us to go out starting on the day we met just made it so weird.
It sounds weird but while we were dating, we were the main topic of me and my friends,
and him and his friends,
and my family,'
and his.
Too much of one topic gets boring right?
well one week was too long for us.
anyways, more reasons
hes insanely stupid(:
hes fun to be around
Hes more than a brother, and more than a best friend.
i guess now that i think of it,that describes boyfriend doesnt it?
hm.. well it doesnt matter.
its just how our friendship works.
some people use the "love-hate" relationships,
some use "I love you like a sis"
then theres "twins"
and just friends
and best friends.
they're really all just titles.
either way its just a FRIENDship.
Besides, IIIIf i ever did consider dating him again, itd have to wait until next year because of a couple of reasons.
speaking of.
Gosh i cannot wait til next year!
Band is going to be LOADS of fun with him!
Summer band, practices, bus rides, football games, trips.
mann...(:
But im scared im getting my hopes to high.
like what if he moves? I move? He gets out of MISD? or i do? Or what if we just grow apart?
I hate to admit it but things like that really terrify me.
I dont understand how ive gone so long without seeing my best friend every Mon-Fri,
and to not see him ever would just completely suck major butt.
I'll be the first to admit,
sometimes i think i have separation anxiety.
but i understand everything happens for a reason
and theres a reason why i met him,
theres a reason why i started school in cali, and therefore im a year ahead
theres a reason for all of it, and one day ill find out.
so now, why i think hes amazing,
More like why dont i?!
First of all, of the things i listed above work for this too.
plus hes a really amazing guy.

Why?!-Brianna

So ive been talking to an old friend for a while
and guess who likes him?
Guess who he likes?(:
No.
I mean yes he likes me,
but no its not a good thing.
I ran into him last night and he asked me
"So if we were alone how far would you go with me?"
With a smile on his face.
Just like the other D-bags ive dated :/
pisses me the hell off.
Like at least i didnt let myself soo hung over this guy.
Better to find out hes like all the other guys now than after we dated,
or anything else happened.
See, i just personally find that question suuch a turn off.
So im not going to lie, i used to consider getting asked for sex almost like a compliment. i found it flattering, but I've realized that its NOT.
Not at all.
But anyways, so i liked this guy, but now i know to stay clear of him cause if i just let him keep asking me that he'll take it farther.
On a good note, i absolutely love my best friend to death.
i told him about all thatt ^^^
and this was our conversation about it:
Oscar:Bewwy?
Me:Mh?
Oscar:So, if we were alone, how long do you think our hugs and naps would last?(:
Me:Forever(:
Oscar:Is THAT a turn off?(:
Me: No, Not at all <3
Oscar: I love you berry(:
Me:I know, i love you too(:
END x)
He just knows how to make me frooberly happy even in situations like this.
i know its not a big deal but it kind of is cause i havent really been into anyone this year except for the Senior :P

Goddamn... - Lauren

He's home and safe, both boys are okay, both parents are freaking out, Jim of course was unseat-belted so he banged his head on the dashboard so he might have a concussion. But they're mostly okay. Jarrett's trying to figure things out on the police side, I'm trying not to throw up because lunch just isn't sitting well, I'm all stress broken out, but again. we're all okay. Just stressed. ><

What a Fucking Night. - Lauren

When something bad happens dad gets this particular sound in his voice. I don't hear it often, but when I do I know that's when it's really bad. It's this high pitched sound, usually attached to a 'what' when he hears. he simply can't understand why something is the way it is, and you can hear it in his voice. I heard that sound tonight. Let me explain...

Went to bed at 12:30 totally exhausted from the awesome concert I went to see last night.
Too tired for choir practice the next morning, decide that I'm going to sleep in and stay until normal school time.
But lo and behold, 4:30 AM Who other to wake me up by banging on the door than his mom. She proceeds to apologize for waking me and tells me that Jim and Patrick were joyriding in a stolen car (my uncle's car) and were chased by the cops up to 120 miles an hour and hit a guardrail. She proceeds to further tell me that Patrick is in the hospital and Jim, my wonderful brother, ran from the cops. He was texting her with Patrick's phone, but that was all, and she knew she had to tell us. I of course get the fun job of waking dad up and telling him this lovely news.

This is when Dad gets the sound in his voice. We're all outside trying to figure out what to do and how to do it, considering we can't get ahold of him. All we know is that he passed Sam Bass and hopped a bunch of barbed wire fences so his hands are all torn up. We know there was blood, but Jim being a 16 year old, 'knows some medical stuff, so he's okay'. Dumbass wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Dad called Jarrett, the defuser and detective for the austin police department - our kindly cop friend who Jim trusts, and we sent Jim his number. Jim (thank god) called him, and Jarrett got his location out of him and got him to stay there, he got him fixated on just wanting to get back to his own warm bed instead of running. Dad's on his way to get him. Julie went home (her mother and daughter were in the car with her, having come from the hospital with patrick). I get to sit and wait, and wait until bryan wakes up and I get to tell him Jim stole and wrecked his car, and try to calm him down. I'd rather be anywhere else.

And of course, it's five in the fucking morning so no one is awake for me to tell this too, so I'm talking to the blog. Hi blog, how are you? Feeling Bloggy today? well that's dandy. Me? Oh i'm just shaking and just as worried as anyone else, but i get to sit and play the waiting game. Oh that sounds fun does it? do I detect some sarcasm? I think I do. Well bloggy... I think I'm going to put something on netflix and eat some mini wheats if I can and try to calm down, and hope someone wakes up. Thanks for listening dear bloggy. Oh, no, I don't think I'll be going to sleep.

Borken- Brianna

Broken.
Thats what my family is like.
My sisters gone.
theres no hope in talking her out of anything these days.
shes so different and i hate it.
So theres this program, TSCO Explorers
And theres this guy Chris,
my moms convinced he likes one of us.
i doubt it.
but shes a mom, she wont let us say he doesnt.
anyways.
so he wants to go to my next competition,
and my mom told my sister.
Her response?
"Why would he like her? Maybe hes going because Tana used to do Color Guard"
So then this morning she told me she has a crush on him.
So shes mad cause hes going to my competition.
im so annoyed with her.

LOLOLOL-Brianna

Just thought id show you two conversations with my best friend.
Last night:
Oscar: I wish you were here so we could 'leep
Me: Mhh, Me too <3
Today:
Oscar:Iloveyouberrymuchoberry(:
Me: Youre Stupid -.-
This is why i LOVE our friendship to death.
Him sending thatt ^^ made me happy,
but he doesnt have to know that :P
I like the way he treats me, and the way i treat him,
and how he knows when im only messing with him
and when im upset
and when im excited
and when to say what
and when to shut the hell up.
Damn itt, i really hate how PERFECT we are for each other
it makes me soooo upset that there are no sparks what so ever.
Its suuuuch a waste of a perfect relationship.
But iguess if we dont push it, itll COME naturally x)
So these past few months of being friends with this amazing girl named Casey,
Ive become so dirty x)
Its actually quiet entertaining :D
Hehe well ive got competition tomorrow so goodnight(:

One week later- Brianna

i feel like ive started to pick up some dance from Winter guard
and so when im not having good days,
i resort to dancing to loud music in my room.
Ive resorted to staying out of my ouse as long as possible.
By choice.
Mondays: im gone from 9:30 to 9:30
Tuesday: 7:15 to 6
Wednesday:7:15 to 10
Thursday: 7:15 to 9:30
Friday: 7:15 to 5
Saturday: when i have competitions im out from as early as 3 to as late as 12. If i dont, i make plans to go out
Sunday: All day im relaxing in my room getting ready for the week ahead.
I hate the fact that so far this week ive eaten dinner alone every single day expect for Wednesday.
Like ive realized that 5/7 of my days every week are spent eating dinner alone.
Its kinda weird but at the end of it i learn to deal with it.
So when i talk to my best friend, its usually so efortless.
As of yesterday, its felt like forced.
weve hardly had a conversation since then and it feels weird
i guess maybe im just too clingy and i need to back off.
Either way i despise it.
I really hope it goes away soon.
So TAKS is on Tuesday.
I cannot believe how quickly this year has flown by!! It is soo insane.
Like theres onnly 12 more weeks left of school not counting spring break!
TWELVE!!!
twelve more mondays,
twelve more Fridays!
2 TAKS,
3 Competitions,
12 more practices!
so little...

Helll.... - Lauren

And now there's 40 dollars missing from the jar containing the donations we got at the EPIC faire - it wasn't me, dad, or bryan.... And jim just didn't bother showing up for school today because I had to leave early for choir practice so I couldn't drag him out of bed... GRR.
Again, sorry for all the ranting.
Just don't really have anywhere else to go with it.
I wonder if anyone actually reads this. :/ Ah well. It's a sounding board a guess. *sigh*

damn- Brianna

i feel like i havent posted in forever.
either that for times going by really fast.
Anyywho, so whats new?
nothing -.-
Well its been about a week and a half and well..
I see my best friend every Tuesday, we text 24/7 i havent hung out with him since the 23rd of January.
I havent seen Lexi since the first.
ive hardly talked to her.
Nilsa? Damn. i feel like its been forever.
Dude, i havent seen her since before Christmas.
We've texted a few times, nothing much though.
a little bit of a catch up but thats all.
As of Tuesday Lexi lang is mad at me x(
Damn, i miss my friends.

*sigh* - Lauren

Sorry for the spam... but damn.
I'm getting tired of living with the bitching and griping.
Dad's now chewing jim out for the things I mentioned in my last post.
Dad came home and was all grumpy and shit then found out all this shizz.
I'm getting so.. so tired of this.

I guess I'll go try to sleep.

The Dating Situation - Lauren

So John and I have been dating for a month now (as of yesterday). It's still very strange to me... I don't really know what to make of it. I guess I'm really behind on all this... It's a little sad really... But hey. I'm catching up. quite probably too fast for my liking. I spent the weekend with a bunch of scare people, camping out at Jarrett's parent's ranch out past san saba, and of course because it was a scare thing John was there, and it was an amazing weekend. Saturday night it got down to 23 degrees and it was cold as all hell, and Jarrett had set up a movie outside to amuse the teenagers while the adults slept, and John and I were curled up in a chair together to stay warm, it was really comfy, and I really enjoyed that part. I slept on his shoulder both two and a half hour car rides, up and back, it was nice. But... he came over for a little while on valentines day and things got... well lets say you put two teenagers who really like each other in a house alone, and guess what happens. We didn't go all the way but we got pretty damn close and it spooked me a bit...

This is going to sound really weird but... none of that sexual stuff really matters to me. Like, at all. I'm such a complete and utter hopeless romantic, I love all the dumb, romantic, sweet, whatever, stuff. I love the stupid heart fights and the endless compliments on both ends... I love hearing I love you and saying it back, But... The other end of it... Really I couldn't care less. Clearly he does care. But... I just don't know if I want to go there yet. But... It really doesn't seem to affect me much either way.

The only thing I'm really concerned about is how broke i am and I don't want to do Shit unless I know damn sure nothing's going to come of it that will affect my future. I may not know what I want that future to be yet, but I know damn well I don't want to be one of those girls, just graduated with an infant on her hip. I want kids and a family, when I'm older and after I've had a chance to live my life.

I feel kinda bad, he wants to do a lot of what some refer to I guess as sexting, and I really couldn't care less, but I'm working on my physics project and ranting here, I really didn't feel like going there right now, I just turned my phone off. I needed a chance to think. I suppose that's the problem with teenage boys.... and being me. I really just... Don't care. I guess I probably should, but... I don't. Is that weird...? I really don't entirely know what to do here... >< I guess I just kinda wish you could turn that part off. Just have the gooey yucky romantic stuff, without bothering with the rest, but... That doesn't happen. ^_^;; I guess I'll just have to figure out where my line is and what I'm comfortable doing, since it's not for me... Bleh. >< Stupid being complicated. :/

My brother... BAH - Lauren

And in addition to all that I spent a good portion of today the ass end of my brother's antics... He left home at like 6:20 this morning, I assumed to walk to his 7:45 choir rehearsal at school, but apparently he didn't bother to go to that. then when I was in chamber second period Dr. Fish pulled me aside and told me about this talk he had with my brother, about how he could be awesome if he put his mind to it, and Fish would love to move him up, but he needs to be eligible and isn't... And all that crap. then third period after lunch Miss Jones called me aside and asked me where my brother has been, to which i responded "he hasn't been here...?" apparently he's been skipping his PE class. Awesome. She emailed my dad. He's not home yet but I am not looking forward to all the bitching that's going to happen when he does.... THEN on top of that fun fun day at school I come home and get a text from Jim on a friend's phone saying he's going to a party with Johnny and isn't going home, though i was pretty much under the impression that he was going to an amp-guard meeting today, and when I asked he said He didn't have a ride. Right as I received that text his ride showed up. Doc and Sianne were supposed to take him to the meet, which he apparently forgot. I handed Doc the Phone and he called Jim, and basically gave him the WTF Dude speech, and Jim ditched. He just decided he wasn't coming back. >< Doc was less than pleased about driving down from south austin to get him. Sianne decided she didn't feel like going, so she and Doc dragged me out of my house to go get dinner, we went to schlotzskys and had pizza, good times were had, but oaiyeofrhslkdfsiotoerzsdklfclkshj I wanna strangle my brother sometimes. >< Well... A lot of the time. He's dating MJ, who I don't mind so much as a person, but she's super loud and super dramatic and always has to be the center of attention, If you turned her dial down from 100 to maybe 30 then I think I could like her, but opefhasijd she's so ridiculous. >< Dad was less than pleased about that too. I dislike a lot of his new emo friends. I just... they are so ridiculous and bad for him. He smokes alll the freakin time now. :/ it's obonxious. I just kinda can't stand him when he's like this... I hate it, but it's true.

On a plus side, I was worried I just didn't like James (one of the guys from scare who Montanna rather likes) and I discovered that when he's not around my brother he's a lot more mellow and a much cooler person, and the dirty jokes are far less often and far less obnoxious, when my brother isn't around. I am very glad I like him, I was worried I didn't, and Montanna really does. >< But yeah, I do. :)

Life after School... - Lauren

I really have very little idea what to do with my life after school. At least some college at ACC sounds about right for me, a job, a car, but I have no idea how to go about any of this... and the only two people who have offered to help are my counselor who is super busy and spend a good 45 minutes last time I was in there complaining at me for my lack of direction and the fact that I haven't taken the SAT or anything... And The second... I just got a facebook message from none other than Amanda telling me how important college and a job is, and that she's willing to help me out if i need it.

I really don't understand why no one I would accept help from has offered, and one of maybe three or four people who I would turn it down from has offered... I'm honestly... Gah... If it was anyone else... But I really just can't stand to be around her anymore... She wore the shirt i made her this time last year today, and it honestly unsettled me. That solid reminder of what we used to be... and kindof the day I stopped liking her... I gave it to her as a valentines present since my brother had just dumped her and i figured she wouldn't have a valentine, but she had all this crap from Anysa that day as valentines presents... And I was rather put off. Seeing it again... Kinda sucked. I miss being friends with her, but not her as she is now. Her as she was. See when we were at the college fair she had won this giant seton medical clinic t-shirt, and gave it to me to fix up into something fun for her. I basically shredded the back and tied the ends, and sewed a felt wolf on the back above it (her nickname was wolfie) and had all of our friends sign the front or doodle something. that testament to how our friendship was... I miss it. But I just can't look at her without feeling like crap for believing it for so long.

I can't wait till I'm out of there. so much shit I won't have to deal with anymore... I just wish I knew what shit I will have to deal with... >< Stupid real life not having a rule book. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. Everyone seems to know but me...

I. Hate. This.-Brianna

My best friend.
i hate him.
hes so amazing
and perfect
and so..
FAR!!
I miss seeing him all the time and in the halls and at rehearsals.
and just like, always, and never, and randomly, and like noticing the days when hes gone, and like just on random occasions. you know?
Sighh,
well anyways i saw him today.
He smelt amazing.
I miss him.
Like crazy.
Like beyond crazy.
Anyways, my friend lexi, shes pretty damn close to me too,
she got mad cause i was talking to him instead of her.
I love her to death, but she needs to know im not ALL hers,
just like shes not all mine, yet she gets mad at me?
its unfair to me and i feel really bad for talking to him,and i shouldnt, i know i shouldnt.
but she makes me feel like im doing something bad.
i hate it x(
why cant my best friend just be at school with me already?
Thered be no more drama like this,
and id see him every single monday-friday.
Siiiiiiggggghhhhhhh.......