My brother... BAH - Lauren

And in addition to all that I spent a good portion of today the ass end of my brother's antics... He left home at like 6:20 this morning, I assumed to walk to his 7:45 choir rehearsal at school, but apparently he didn't bother to go to that. then when I was in chamber second period Dr. Fish pulled me aside and told me about this talk he had with my brother, about how he could be awesome if he put his mind to it, and Fish would love to move him up, but he needs to be eligible and isn't... And all that crap. then third period after lunch Miss Jones called me aside and asked me where my brother has been, to which i responded "he hasn't been here...?" apparently he's been skipping his PE class. Awesome. She emailed my dad. He's not home yet but I am not looking forward to all the bitching that's going to happen when he does.... THEN on top of that fun fun day at school I come home and get a text from Jim on a friend's phone saying he's going to a party with Johnny and isn't going home, though i was pretty much under the impression that he was going to an amp-guard meeting today, and when I asked he said He didn't have a ride. Right as I received that text his ride showed up. Doc and Sianne were supposed to take him to the meet, which he apparently forgot. I handed Doc the Phone and he called Jim, and basically gave him the WTF Dude speech, and Jim ditched. He just decided he wasn't coming back. >< Doc was less than pleased about driving down from south austin to get him. Sianne decided she didn't feel like going, so she and Doc dragged me out of my house to go get dinner, we went to schlotzskys and had pizza, good times were had, but oaiyeofrhslkdfsiotoerzsdklfclkshj I wanna strangle my brother sometimes. >< Well... A lot of the time. He's dating MJ, who I don't mind so much as a person, but she's super loud and super dramatic and always has to be the center of attention, If you turned her dial down from 100 to maybe 30 then I think I could like her, but opefhasijd she's so ridiculous. >< Dad was less than pleased about that too. I dislike a lot of his new emo friends. I just... they are so ridiculous and bad for him. He smokes alll the freakin time now. :/ it's obonxious. I just kinda can't stand him when he's like this... I hate it, but it's true.

On a plus side, I was worried I just didn't like James (one of the guys from scare who Montanna rather likes) and I discovered that when he's not around my brother he's a lot more mellow and a much cooler person, and the dirty jokes are far less often and far less obnoxious, when my brother isn't around. I am very glad I like him, I was worried I didn't, and Montanna really does. >< But yeah, I do. :)

F*** Everything... - Lauren

I know I post here a lot and I'm so sorry if my rants bother anyone... but right now I kindof don't have anywhere to take this shit... So here comes another awesome rant of awesome (...Not)

So yeah. My day was just the shit. Got bitched at by Ashten because I couldn't be objective over her bitching about my best friend, Found out someone is 'boinked' someone else and wanted to smack her for her awful timing, sat by myself, freaked out because somebody completely vanished,  froze my ass off because I was a dumbass and wore leggings instead of real pants, found out my brother is a stoner because he's suicidal, got left behind to sit by myself, got to breathe in all sorts of fucking smoke and shit and my eyes hurt from it, had to calm someone down because of a fucking Creeper who keeps threatening to show up, Sat by myself, Sat in the car staring out the window without saying a word for like an hour driving people home and not one person noticed enough to ask if I was okay, or anything.Yeah, the day definitely had fun parts, but I am not in the mood right now to shine with joy at 'the little things'.

Here's my conversation with Ashten to give you a hint of how my day started off.

Between You and Ashten Smith

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:44am Report

Do you have any advice on getting over people, lauren? No one is answering the phone and I am just feeling really upset over this stupid infatuation I have with, well, you know who. Even after all this time. It's seriously irritating. I even turned down someone because I am not over her. Not to mention, she just goes on with her life, not even caring about me at all, so that just makes this infatuation MORE irritating and I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry to come to you with this out of the blue...I just need someone to talk to and yeah...Sorry, man.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:49am

You're totally talking to the wrong person man... I'm the one who was in love with someone who completely turned her down for three years and currently likes someone who is afraid of relationships. I know it's irritating but I really don't know what to tell you...
She had to move on, for herself. She's with someone she really cares about now, and She's happy. I know it sucks, but she is.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:56am Report

Well, I am gonna be honest with you. I am glad she is happy, I really am but...nevermind, I'll talk to you later. I wish you could, just for one minute, not JUST think about her side of it. You don't understand what she did. And you probably won't. I am not trying to be mean or hateful but the way she dropped me was just horrible. I am not asking you to take my side. I am just asking you to be objective. But I'll talk to you later when I am not as upset as I am right now. Don't mention this to her. She is happy, I know. And I don't want her pitying me or any shit like that. In fact, don't mention this to anyone. I don't want people thinking I am some pathetic loser who can't get over someone after so long.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:59am

I'm sorry, but She's been my best friend for ten years, and I've had ten years of taking her side. I try to see both sides but People don't exactly like to give me all the details. and I'm not just picking her side just because, from what I've heard I believe she did what she had to. Maybe not in the best way, but she did what she had to. I'm not saying she's always right, but... I don't know.
Really I'm the worst person you could pick to be objective... I am sorry, but it's how my brain's been wired for ten years and that's a very hard habit to break.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 12:00pm Report

I know. I am sorry for expecting you to be objective.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:35pm

Look... I'm sorry, But I really don't know what to say here... You never talk to me unless it's to try to talk about Sam which I told you ages ago I shouldn't be doing because I know I can't be fair and objective. About anything Else I can, but not this. I know we have our issues and she barely ever talks to me anymore, but I love her and I'm not going to give up on her as my best friend just so I can be objective.
I feel like shit a lot because it feels like people only give a shit I exist when they need someone to rant to. And I'm glad I can be that person, but where's anyone else when I need to talk? There's a reason I have a blog where I write all this shit, and a stack of letters too big to fit into an envelope if I ever meant to send them, Nobody gives enough of a shit to listen, and the ones that do are hard to get ahold of, or only care if they are in the right mood.

You're not the only one dealing with shit. I am sorry, i truly am, but you caught me on a really bad day. I'm dealing with liking someone afraid of relationships, i'm fighting depression because no one gives a shit about me in a crowd, I keep getting ditched to sit by myself, every fucking person in the world is a stoner, a smoker, Fucking everyone, or a drinker but me and I feel completely left out because it seems like that's all they are interested in or can talk about. I have no life because I am too busy being responsible to have one, and caring what happens to my body, which no one else seems to care about (either thing), I have to deal with my family bitching at me and everyone around me Constantly, leaving my house and entering a complete new world blindly at the end of the school year and moving in with Montanna who has kindof been driving me up a wall the past few weeks... I really don't know how to feel about any of this, and I'm sorry if I'm too bunged up to be objective.

I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I have to fight it just like the rest of the world, I just want to be the happy person so bad that i put on the guise, no matter if i feel like hiding in my room for a week, and I know no one would notice if I did. 

 

 ---------------------------------------------

I'm just so... tired of trying to live my life when no one seems to notice when I do. I know I exist only to please and help people, but it would be nice if I didn't sit by myself so often, and if people had more to talk about than sex drugs and alcohol. Maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong people, but... I love my friends, and I want to be supportive, I just don't think I can do this... it's seriously... all they talk about! While we were freaking in the car two people kept making out, and I just felt so... Out of place. I swear, I've felt out of place before, but Never more than when I'm with these people.

I swear... sometimes I'm the only person who isn't stoned drugged drunk high or horny all the freaking time... I wish I had someplace to go where life was simpler. Where people wanted to talk about something other than that. I can't even get myself a boyfriend  let alone all that. Maybe if I wanted to do all that I would, but I have just no interest in drugs or alcohol. I hate the smell of smoke and beer, it makes me sick and my eyes burn, I have no want at all to be around that. But it seems like if I want to have friends I don't have a choice. I just... I wish there was another option. 

I feel so... Alone. All the time. don't get me wrong, I love all these people to death, but..... Nilsa is amazing, but impossible to get ahold of and to ever see - I haven't seen her since school started. Shea is awesome, but has a boyfriend and thus vanishes a lot. Montanna is great except she's one of those people. Courtney is awesome, but she wants Constant freaking contact and I just can't do that. I love Marly, but I can't get her to leave her house, and she loves kira and Jordy so much more now, I never see her except when she has to ride the bus with me. Sam..... that's a whole nother rant. 

Sam (Or as She would now like to be called - Spencer (and she would like to be called He on that note as well)) has been my best friend for ten years. Ten fucking years. And she hasn't texted me back since December Fifteenth, and that was an eight text message conversation. But no, She's fucking talking to every other person in the world, including at least two she swore she never wanted to talk to again. But no. Not me. Not her best friend who has been at her side for ten years of bullshit and pain. I've been trying to wait for her to get over herself and realize she needs friends who she hasn't dated/isn't going to date, but it's been nearly impossible, because when you don't text her you don't exist. And for that matter, when I do text her I don't exist. On facebook if I comment on something it's all I love yous and we're bfffs forever, but...... I want our friendship to mean more to her than a poke on facebook. best friendship cant only be a poke war. I feel like I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she is or what she wants from life... I miss her so much, but honestly I miss who she was, because I don't know the first thing about her anymore. I don't know her favorite color, her favorite bands, I don't fucking know anything about her except that she no longer wants to be a 'her'. i feel like as she's shedding 'Sam' and becoming 'Spencer' I'm losing every connection I had with her. I feel like sam is my best friend, always will be, but I don't know the first thing about Spencer, and I don't think he gives a shit about me at all. She moved down to louisiana and went and got erself a new brother and a new family, and forgot about her old one. Except my brother. Him she talks to. Fuckin everybody else in the world but me. 

 

Goddamn... I love these people, I love her, so much more than they can every imagine, but... I'm just so SICK of their SHIT.  SICK OF IT. I'm never comfortable... I'm never just.. Happy. I miss being comfortable i my own skin, so much. I miss being secure in having a best friend and someone I could always go to. I miss not feeling alone in every step of my life, I miss not having a boyfriend not being a big deal. I miss not feelin like shit because no one seems to think I'm good enough to even ask out, let alone commit to a relationship. Someone told me that he kinda wanted to ask me out freshman year but didn't because he was with someone, but that doesn't mean shit. Awesome. You kinda liked me freshman year, but didn't tell me until senior year while you have a girlfriend. I never liked you really.... but that's not the point. I just... I wish SOMEONE would give a shit about me and show it. i miss feeling like a human being with a real shot at finding someone decent instead of a chubby broken out over emotional teenage girl who is a complete hopeless romantic that is in fact.. Hopeless.

And there you go. 2062 words on how shitty I feel. Fuck... My lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Melancholy... Part Two - Lauren

Here's part two of my weird mood. I have brother issues. I do. For several different reasons.

ONE. He's kindof a man whore. He flirts and is hit on by every girl (and some guys) in the room, he loves the attention and is always all over them, he has only been broken up with his girlfriend a week and he already has girls lined up doe eyed and pretty begging for his attention. And I loved this girlfriend. She was actually good for him, she made him stop cutting, and his reason for dumping her? She was saying I love you and he wasn't sure he was ready to say it yet, but was anyway, so he couldn't lie anymore, and dumped her. It's Freaking ridiculous. his current main interest (from what we can tell) is a ridiculous girl from scare I can't stand - she's an attention whore and a drama head, and will start shit left and right and I want nothing to do with her.

TWO. He's going down all the wrong paths in his life and people are encouraging him. He's Bi because it's popular and the 'emo' thing to do. He's embracing the sulky dark asshole side of himself that we hate, (He actually refused to do a little favor for dad yesterday because - and I quote - "I'm just an asshole.") and doing things he really shouldn't. I love my brother, but I can't stand him. He won't put his phone down, and when we were putting up the Christmas tree i felt bad that he was all grumpy and wouldn't put his phone down long enough to help me, I told him as such, and he didn't give a shit. I love the holidays, people are happier and nicer, except everyone seems to be going through so much shit this year... I feel like I'm losing my Christmas spirit. Instead of looking at the tree and feeling happy or excited, I look at it and want to cry. I try my damnedest to be there and help people, and keep them happy, and it all seems to amount to nothing. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit about anyone else. It makes me feel like giving up. I don't ask for anything hard, I don't ask to be recognized for all the SHIT I do for my friends and the people I care about, no matter how nice that would be, I don't ask for everyone to love me or to all get along, I just want people to try. Try to be Happy. Try to get along. Try to be decent to each other and (more importantly in a lot of ways) themselves. No one wants to try, and I'm getting seriously tired of pushing.

THREE. I kind of have issues spending time with him, for different reasons than you might think. I go to hang out with my friends, and they always ask where he is, why didn't I bring him, etc. etc. I love that my friends love my brother, but I feel like when he's around... no one even looks twice at me. he's so much more... aggressive in a way with people than i am. he makes people listen to him. I'm quieter. I like people to choose to care about what I say. But the problem is... They don't. I try to participate in a discussion in a group of people and I am always talked over and ignored. No one thinks twice that I might have things to say or that I might want to be heard. but I do. I really do. I feel like my friends would all pick my brother over me in a heartbeat and wouldn't think twice that I might be hurt by it. Plus certain friends are encouraging him down paths I really would like them to NOT encourage him down. giving him a cigarette and then apologizing to me when I couldn't be there anymore and had to wait in the car because "I know where he is in his life and I sympathize" really doesn't cut it. The only way to sympathize with him is to drug him? I don't understand how that is supposed to help him. No one cares how I feel about anything. I hid in the car from the cigarette smoke and the fact that my brother was one of the three producing it, and so they follow me to the car and smoke right next to me. Don't you think there was a reason I was in the car? I wanted away from this shit. I just... I feel like the world around me is going to shit and I don't want to live like this anymore. But I don't have a choice.
I don't know what to do anymore... I need help, but don't know where to look.

Going the Distance - Lauren

So, I went to see Going the Distance with Dad today. Really good movie, but these romantic movies make me sad now. I feel sometimes like I grew up too fast, and while I was a kid and everything, I skipped normal teenage girl years full of obnoxious hormones and fights and dating and heartbreak and... Love. I feel like I skipped that. I mean, I know the important stuff comes later in life, but... I dunno.
 
I feel like I'm missing out.

I also feel like I've failed in some way because people like Lyn have a new date every week, and those people are awful to the people they're with, but it's not like Lyn dated Douche-bags who just wanted her body. She Dated Chris, my brother, Stephen... I mean, if she was dating ass-holes I'd understand. If she was dating people who only liked her because she was easy, I'd understand. But... Some of these people are real, genuine guys, and I don't understand what it is about her that draws even the nicest guys in. Yes, she's pretty. Yes, she's funny and sweet when she wants to be, but it's not like Chris didn't see the other side before they started dating. I just don't get it. I know I'm not gorgeous, I know I'm weird and loud (and then alternatively obnoxiously shy), I know Maybe the fact that I haven't dated and don't date put people off, but I just... Don't get it. It's not just the pretty girls who date. Why not me? I've had interest, but as far as I can tell, It's just that no one's been interested in me. I really feel like I've done something wrong.

I just wish I knew what it was.

Chance #2 -Nilsa

So now Matt has once again asked me out. It's pretty weird that he had to do that, since I was unaware that we had broken up. He seemed sincere though, so I said okay... but was it a mistake? If I'm gonna be with someone, I need them to pay attention to me. And you would think that the most attention would come in the beginning of the relationship. I guess I'm just worried, it's only been like a day;) But just based on last time, there was a little bit of a lack in the attention/talking/communication area. I'm not much for 3rd chances.

was i blind? -brianna

or did everyone see this coming? did I See this comingg?? no. i didnt. i think its stupid. if you really love me this wouldnt be happening. why is it happening again? i dont want it to happen. i want it to go away. i want this feeling to stop. i want the tears to stop. i want it all to stop. i want summer to go away, summer, the pain, the tears, the "confusion" everything. i want it gone. i especially want summer gone. i hate it. its stupid. i want to go to school and see him. i wanna see my friends. i dont want to be home for 106 days without doing anything... no im not doing thatt. thats why i got a gym membership yes? yes... thats why im going first thing in the morning nd blow off this stem... but maybe this will make me stronger... like make me realize that with him you really dont know what to expect... nd i hate that so much. i mean i like it cause its spontaneous but like its with the bad stuff.. i already know when hes going in for i kiss, i know when hes trying to hold my hand, and i know when hes not gonna let me go. but i never know when hes going to break up with me, i never know when the day will come when he'll tell me to leave him alone cause he hates me. i never know when his top will blow and... strike IM out... me and jason are on pause til freshman year... will we actually get back? no promises... :'(

So, It's Official! -Nilsa

Yep. I am officially "with" Matt (also known as Riley). I feel bad though... this time for Ryan. I'm not usually the type to move on so fast, nor do I want to be. I just didn't want to pass up on something that could be something good.
But does he even like me? I can't tell. I gave him my number when he asked for it, which means I have to wait for him to call. I guess that's a good thing; I don't want to be the one to call first. But who knows if he ever will. It's my first long-distance thing, and I'm kinda worried. He also never gets on Facebook... I'm determind not to be someone who ends up in a relationship only for the comfort of not having to break up.