Conflicted... - Lauren

So, the guy whom I liked is moving back. I'm really excited from a friend point of view, I missed him, but from another point of view I am entirely conflicted... I am not sure as of yet if I still like him, but I know I like him more than a good portion of my male friends. For a while a big thing in my mind against dating him was the whole religious thing, but we actually had a religious talk the other day, and his views aren't as weird as I thought they would be, and he was more okay with me being an atheist than I thought he would be. But... there still lies the one remaining hurdle that puts me off a little. Anytime I talk about my best friend he kind of clams up. My Lesbian best friend. And I talk about her an awful lot. I really don't know how to feel... but with the talks we've been having I hope that I can eventually get to the root and find out why, because maybe then it can be changed to where he can at least be vaguely comfortable with it. That, and he doesn't date anymore than I do, and I've been told why Montanna thinks that is, but I want to find out from him. I hope I can, because I do like him, and even if not for me, I'd like to be able to help him for the future...
But I suppose I want to help me too..? I just haven't figured out the best way to do that yet...

Life as we know it - Lauren

It's been a while. Life is decent, but there are some things I wished I could change...
I don't sleep much, not with Scare. So I'm always dead tired and really slow. I wish there was a way to do scare and still sleep. ><

Our house stinks - our water heater is broken and has been since this summer, and we aren't the best at keeping on top of things, so the dishes stink. I hate living in a house full of guys... It sucks. they are all slobs, and yet bryan (my uncle) always yells at us for not cleaning up. My dad isn't so bad, he hates things being dirty, he just doesn't have the time or particularly care enough to do things himself. He always has me or my brother do it when he's not doing anything in particular anyways. It's ridiculous. And my brother's just a sloppy whiny emo kid who needs to do his laundry more than once a month and shower more than only when his hair starts to get all sticky.

The house work doesn't get kept up because I don't have time to do everything myself, so nothing gets done. I hate it, it stinks, but... What can I do? I'm already not sleeping much... I don't have any choices but to just suffer... I can't wait to move out. I really can't. Yeah, it comes with all sorts of adult changes and living in the real world, and all that shit, but... As much as I love my family, I can't wait to not have to be around so many moody guys all day every day. >< Man, and they think we're bad. O.o

Montanna and Mike broke up last week, she came home to her stuff all packed and his status on facebook was single, and she (for the first time ever) after some debate (he's full of it - he's all "Well it's your choice if we're still together or not") she just said fuck it and left, and then an hour later he calls her and begs her to come home, he was wrong... all that shit. She's now staying back at their apartment, but didn't exactly hurry to put her facebook status back from single, she's not paying as much attention as before, she's hanging out with other people more, and he's not taking it so well. But honestly, he wasn't giving her room to be a teenager, and she wasn't ready to be an adult. She's 20, and he's twice her age. I'm sad that they are sad, but really i think it's better for both of them that they don't mend bridges and get together again, they just don't... mesh really. It just doesn't work.

I feel like I'm losing some of the all around niceness i was so known for... Once someone's broken my trust I really couldn't care less for them... And I feel bad for it, but it's true.
This morning in the hallway after the bell rang, we were slowly making our way to the doors with the crowd, and I passed AM&AN sitting together in the hallway, and when I glanced that direction AM's face was all pinkish and she had this look on her face, the one I knew from when we were really close as the one she makes just before she starts crying... and I didn't feel anything. I felt like I should feel bad, feel something, but.... I just turned away and kept walking. I feel really bad for it, but... She broke the friendship through all her lies and unwillingness to improve her own life, move forward, and fix the things she wanted to desperately to complain about. I have more sympathy for strangers than I did for someone who used to be one of my closest friends at that moment. I feel bad that I don't feel worse, but... I just can't make myself feel like she doesn't deserve anything she gets for the lifestyle she's chosen... She lied and lost all of her true friends who really cared, and now has a whole host of people who doesn't really care and are all out for their own self interest... I wish I could say I didn't think she deserves being kicked out of her house, I wish I could say I miss her, I wish I could say I wish we were still friends, but I can't... I don't believe any of it... I just can't make myself care anymore.

Chance #2 -Nilsa

So now Matt has once again asked me out. It's pretty weird that he had to do that, since I was unaware that we had broken up. He seemed sincere though, so I said okay... but was it a mistake? If I'm gonna be with someone, I need them to pay attention to me. And you would think that the most attention would come in the beginning of the relationship. I guess I'm just worried, it's only been like a day;) But just based on last time, there was a little bit of a lack in the attention/talking/communication area. I'm not much for 3rd chances.

..wait i cant dance! -Brianna

okay so thats true but that has nothing with what im about to talk about.. like at all. so my boyfriend is in LA fer the week. it sucks cause he can hardly text but i understand cause i know hes out there having funn. okay so he just texted me :) anyways.

not much is happening at mi casa, its the same old same old. go to bed around 3-4, wake up around 11, watch tv, get on the computer, clean, sleep. oh and in there i manage to fit text... a lot. but ive gotten a new neighbor recently who happens to be one of my very close friends. so im helping fer move in. shes taking boxes over today nd in about 20-35 mins im going over again to help her :)

when shes in and settled, which will be by at the latest tuesday, were gonna be able to have movie nights all the time, my mom and hers can make coffee runs, with donuts like they did last... in 7th grade. we can movie nights til 3 am and then i can walk home or she can walk home, or we can stay the night since were just down the street. its gonna be really awesome

i just cant wait til school starts, like now i wish i was going to manor high, cause now much fun would it be, to get ready with haley, nd then wait at the bus stop together, and walk in on our first day with already so many inside jokes. that and martin's still not into new tech which sucks a lot. like its my education, but i really am thinking about just transfering to manor high cause i dont wanna try a long distance. so i guess well just see how it all goes :)

now i am off to go unpack boxes with my neighbor :D

Today was a fairytale -Brianna

I think it was today :) haha okay well first martin asked me out at midnight.... he wrote me a poem to do it :D it was sooo beautiful I'm really sad we cant put hearts here, but if we could there would be about 20 of em right about here <-ha kidding.. but seriously. hes like super amazing and now i cant wait til we see each other in person. yesterday we were like joking around but we literally planned our life together. I'm gonna be an actress/singer owning a 14 bedroom 20 acre house/lot living with Cesi, Lexi, and Nilsa, and then my bro, Isaac and martin. Mark*my bro* is gonna be an artist, Martin is gonna be a basketball player fer the LA Lakers :D us four girls will all be doing something in the entertainment industry, and Isaac is the maid. me and martin are gonna have two kids of our own, one boy, one girl, and then adopt one *not sure if its gonna be a girl or boy yet* and after he wins his games, I'm gonna run down to the court with the kids and he'll kiss me then the kids, then we'll drive home. and then every chance he gets hes taking the kids to all my concerts :D isn't it nice? well my attitude totally just changed cause i found out were going out to dinner as a family.. :).... with Stephen.... bull... i am off nowwww...

Boys, Boys, Boys... -Brianna

I don't understand them... they're so... complicated. Let me give you a list of how complicated my "love" life can be. One, Jesus. Two, Jason. Three, SETH. FOUR. MARTIN. four guys I have to juggle with. jesus, were never getting back together, thats a duh! moment. but he's been calling me behind his girlfriend's back and it bugs me because of what Jason and Seth did to me. Jason, we broke up and I feel terrible about it, but theres no possible way we can get back together, it's out of my control. you know? Seth: lying, cheating, jackass. nuff saidd. Martin, oh geez.. Martin. hes so... perfect. and amazing. and sweet. and the worst part? hes so considerate of everyones feelings. So I listed perfect amazing and considerate of everyones feelings. Why is this a bad thing? Because that's whats keeping him from asking me out. He likes two other girls and he doesnt think it's fair that he goes out with anyone while he likes anyone else. But I mean hey, if it's ment to happen it'll work out. It always works out fer the best rightt? :)

Hey, guys!-Claudia

Hey, everyone! I'm Claudia, one of Nilsa's friends from church. She invited me to this blog a while ago, but I just haven't decided to make a post until now! I'm 14 and I just "graduated" (it seems cheesy to use that word for middle school, but whatever) from Kealing and now I guess I'm going to LASA at LBJ in the fall. My home school is McCallum, and sometimes I wish I was going there with all my friends, instead. It definitely would be a lot less pressure there, but I guess I can always switch schools....we'll see how that goes.

I live in North/Central Austin, right by the railroad tracks, which I adore walking along, laws be damned. I love downtown Austin and it's where I spend most of my free time, SoCo, Sixth Street, The Drag...hooray! I also love reading poetry and philosophy, writing stories and poems, drawing, and photography.

I also really like nerdy things like comic books, Harry Potter, and the interwebs, which I probably spend way too much time on.

I really don't have that much drama going on in my life anymore. I have three best friends from school, Elizabeth, Deborah, and Erika. We used to be in this huge group of people who hung out together, but you know how stuff in middle school goes...you lose friends to fights, drugs, and other people and that's just the way it is. Anyway, I'm much happier now with a small group of friends who are nice people and who I can always count on.

I don't have a boyfriend, though...never have had a REAL boyfriend, really. I've never even kissed anyone except for, like, Truth or Dare which doesn't even count. I mean, guys ask me out and everything, but I guess I just find guys my age...disappointing. That makes me sound kind of stuck up and annoying, but it's true.

My parents are divorced, but I hate it when people pull sympathy faces about it, I'm actually really glad they are, because when they were together it was hell. I have two little brothers, who are adorable yet irratating, and one older half brother, but he lives with his family and is old enough to be my dad, ha.

Anyway, this was just an introduction to me, hope it was okay! :)

#$@%$-Brianna

so i raised the phone bill up to $400 :( im dissapointed in myself. i used like almost 1200 minutes last month. thats waayy to much. my mom says shes gonna cancel my phone but i think shes bluffing. its an extra $160 to cancle it so i guess we'll jsut see what happenes. so for the summer i got invited to go to Florida and Gorgia for two weeks. i reeeeaalllyyyy wanna go! like soo bad, but now after what i just did, i dont think thatll happen which really sucks cause i need to leave this... pathetic excuse for a town :) *lyrics from a song* but anyways i wanna leave because first. im tired of wasting 3 months of my life every year. its like... stupidd. and second, i need to leave texas. theres so much thats happening nd i cant handle it. things with my sister, my mom, my grandpa, and of course things with jason and seth. yesterday i almsot snuck a guy into my house. a guy that isnt my boyfriend. im 13 i shouldnt be doing these things! im so different and i like it in some ways. like now im more spontanious but like in bad ways. its only been 1.5 weeks but this sucks im so tired of being at home. like im glad we get breaks but i wish they did it differently. i really wanna go to get my mind off things. things that happened yesterday and yes, things that happened saturday. saturday. oh lovely awful saturday. i went to the mall with three very close friends. Shelby Nilsa nd Seth. we decided to watch a movie, so we walked over to the theater. we watched killers. the parts that i saw it was really good. not exactly funny but it was agood movie. the parts i didnt watch? well... i was making out with seth.. yeah... we made stupid excuses to walk out of the theater together, and then we made out. but thats not all i.. we did. i cant say it yet. but its badd. very badd. but i can admit one thing, seth? yeah, much better kisser than jason. nd it felt right. so i broke up with jason. but im not with seth... officially. nd i was supposed to go to his house on sat. but i got in trouble so i cant leave this house without my mom there. but im hoping to get on her good side fer the next two weeks so that a. i can go to the mall with lexi garza and seth next sat. and b. i can to go to florida and goriga.

"But the summer is a bummer
If you can't leave
This pathetic excuse for a town"

was i blind? -brianna

or did everyone see this coming? did I See this comingg?? no. i didnt. i think its stupid. if you really love me this wouldnt be happening. why is it happening again? i dont want it to happen. i want it to go away. i want this feeling to stop. i want the tears to stop. i want it all to stop. i want summer to go away, summer, the pain, the tears, the "confusion" everything. i want it gone. i especially want summer gone. i hate it. its stupid. i want to go to school and see him. i wanna see my friends. i dont want to be home for 106 days without doing anything... no im not doing thatt. thats why i got a gym membership yes? yes... thats why im going first thing in the morning nd blow off this stem... but maybe this will make me stronger... like make me realize that with him you really dont know what to expect... nd i hate that so much. i mean i like it cause its spontaneous but like its with the bad stuff.. i already know when hes going in for i kiss, i know when hes trying to hold my hand, and i know when hes not gonna let me go. but i never know when hes going to break up with me, i never know when the day will come when he'll tell me to leave him alone cause he hates me. i never know when his top will blow and... strike IM out... me and jason are on pause til freshman year... will we actually get back? no promises... :'(