So John and I have been dating for a month now (as of yesterday). It's still very strange to me... I don't really know what to make of it. I guess I'm really behind on all this... It's a little sad really... But hey. I'm catching up. quite probably too fast for my liking. I spent the weekend with a bunch of scare people, camping out at Jarrett's parent's ranch out past san saba, and of course because it was a scare thing John was there, and it was an amazing weekend. Saturday night it got down to 23 degrees and it was cold as all hell, and Jarrett had set up a movie outside to amuse the teenagers while the adults slept, and John and I were curled up in a chair together to stay warm, it was really comfy, and I really enjoyed that part. I slept on his shoulder both two and a half hour car rides, up and back, it was nice. But... he came over for a little while on valentines day and things got... well lets say you put two teenagers who really like each other in a house alone, and guess what happens. We didn't go all the way but we got pretty damn close and it spooked me a bit...
This is going to sound really weird but... none of that sexual stuff really matters to me. Like, at all. I'm such a complete and utter hopeless romantic, I love all the dumb, romantic, sweet, whatever, stuff. I love the stupid heart fights and the endless compliments on both ends... I love hearing I love you and saying it back, But... The other end of it... Really I couldn't care less. Clearly he does care. But... I just don't know if I want to go there yet. But... It really doesn't seem to affect me much either way.
The only thing I'm really concerned about is how broke i am and I don't want to do Shit unless I know damn sure nothing's going to come of it that will affect my future. I may not know what I want that future to be yet, but I know damn well I don't want to be one of those girls, just graduated with an infant on her hip. I want kids and a family, when I'm older and after I've had a chance to live my life.
I feel kinda bad, he wants to do a lot of what some refer to I guess as sexting, and I really couldn't care less, but I'm working on my physics project and ranting here, I really didn't feel like going there right now, I just turned my phone off. I needed a chance to think. I suppose that's the problem with teenage boys.... and being me. I really just... Don't care. I guess I probably should, but... I don't. Is that weird...? I really don't entirely know what to do here... >< I guess I just kinda wish you could turn that part off. Just have the gooey yucky romantic stuff, without bothering with the rest, but... That doesn't happen. ^_^;; I guess I'll just have to figure out where my line is and what I'm comfortable doing, since it's not for me... Bleh. >< Stupid being complicated. :/
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
F*** Everything... - Lauren
I know I post here a lot and I'm so sorry if my rants bother anyone... but right now I kindof don't have anywhere to take this shit... So here comes another awesome rant of awesome (...Not)
So yeah. My day was just the shit. Got bitched at by Ashten because I couldn't be objective over her bitching about my best friend, Found out someone is 'boinked' someone else and wanted to smack her for her awful timing, sat by myself, freaked out because somebody completely vanished, froze my ass off because I was a dumbass and wore leggings instead of real pants, found out my brother is a stoner because he's suicidal, got left behind to sit by myself, got to breathe in all sorts of fucking smoke and shit and my eyes hurt from it, had to calm someone down because of a fucking Creeper who keeps threatening to show up, Sat by myself, Sat in the car staring out the window without saying a word for like an hour driving people home and not one person noticed enough to ask if I was okay, or anything.Yeah, the day definitely had fun parts, but I am not in the mood right now to shine with joy at 'the little things'.
Here's my conversation with Ashten to give you a hint of how my day started off.
So yeah. My day was just the shit. Got bitched at by Ashten because I couldn't be objective over her bitching about my best friend, Found out someone is 'boinked' someone else and wanted to smack her for her awful timing, sat by myself, freaked out because somebody completely vanished, froze my ass off because I was a dumbass and wore leggings instead of real pants, found out my brother is a stoner because he's suicidal, got left behind to sit by myself, got to breathe in all sorts of fucking smoke and shit and my eyes hurt from it, had to calm someone down because of a fucking Creeper who keeps threatening to show up, Sat by myself, Sat in the car staring out the window without saying a word for like an hour driving people home and not one person noticed enough to ask if I was okay, or anything.Yeah, the day definitely had fun parts, but I am not in the mood right now to shine with joy at 'the little things'.
Here's my conversation with Ashten to give you a hint of how my day started off.
Do you have any advice on getting over people, lauren? No one is answering the phone and I am just feeling really upset over this stupid infatuation I have with, well, you know who. Even after all this time. It's seriously irritating. I even turned down someone because I am not over her. Not to mention, she just goes on with her life, not even caring about me at all, so that just makes this infatuation MORE irritating and I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry to come to you with this out of the blue...I just need someone to talk to and yeah...Sorry, man.
Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:49am
You're totally talking to the wrong person man... I'm the one who was in love with someone who completely turned her down for three years and currently likes someone who is afraid of relationships. I know it's irritating but I really don't know what to tell you...
She had to move on, for herself. She's with someone she really cares about now, and She's happy. I know it sucks, but she is.
She had to move on, for herself. She's with someone she really cares about now, and She's happy. I know it sucks, but she is.
Well, I am gonna be honest with you. I am glad she is happy, I really am but...nevermind, I'll talk to you later. I wish you could, just for one minute, not JUST think about her side of it. You don't understand what she did. And you probably won't. I am not trying to be mean or hateful but the way she dropped me was just horrible. I am not asking you to take my side. I am just asking you to be objective. But I'll talk to you later when I am not as upset as I am right now. Don't mention this to her. She is happy, I know. And I don't want her pitying me or any shit like that. In fact, don't mention this to anyone. I don't want people thinking I am some pathetic loser who can't get over someone after so long.
Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:59am
I'm sorry, but She's been my best friend for ten years, and I've had ten years of taking her side. I try to see both sides but People don't exactly like to give me all the details. and I'm not just picking her side just because, from what I've heard I believe she did what she had to. Maybe not in the best way, but she did what she had to. I'm not saying she's always right, but... I don't know.
Really I'm the worst person you could pick to be objective... I am sorry, but it's how my brain's been wired for ten years and that's a very hard habit to break.
Really I'm the worst person you could pick to be objective... I am sorry, but it's how my brain's been wired for ten years and that's a very hard habit to break.
I know. I am sorry for expecting you to be objective.
Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:35pm
Look... I'm sorry, But I really don't know what to say here... You never talk to me unless it's to try to talk about Sam which I told you ages ago I shouldn't be doing because I know I can't be fair and objective. About anything Else I can, but not this. I know we have our issues and she barely ever talks to me anymore, but I love her and I'm not going to give up on her as my best friend just so I can be objective.
I feel like shit a lot because it feels like people only give a shit I exist when they need someone to rant to. And I'm glad I can be that person, but where's anyone else when I need to talk? There's a reason I have a blog where I write all this shit, and a stack of letters too big to fit into an envelope if I ever meant to send them, Nobody gives enough of a shit to listen, and the ones that do are hard to get ahold of, or only care if they are in the right mood.
You're not the only one dealing with shit. I am sorry, i truly am, but you caught me on a really bad day. I'm dealing with liking someone afraid of relationships, i'm fighting depression because no one gives a shit about me in a crowd, I keep getting ditched to sit by myself, every fucking person in the world is a stoner, a smoker, Fucking everyone, or a drinker but me and I feel completely left out because it seems like that's all they are interested in or can talk about. I have no life because I am too busy being responsible to have one, and caring what happens to my body, which no one else seems to care about (either thing), I have to deal with my family bitching at me and everyone around me Constantly, leaving my house and entering a complete new world blindly at the end of the school year and moving in with Montanna who has kindof been driving me up a wall the past few weeks... I really don't know how to feel about any of this, and I'm sorry if I'm too bunged up to be objective.
I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I have to fight it just like the rest of the world, I just want to be the happy person so bad that i put on the guise, no matter if i feel like hiding in my room for a week, and I know no one would notice if I did.
I feel like shit a lot because it feels like people only give a shit I exist when they need someone to rant to. And I'm glad I can be that person, but where's anyone else when I need to talk? There's a reason I have a blog where I write all this shit, and a stack of letters too big to fit into an envelope if I ever meant to send them, Nobody gives enough of a shit to listen, and the ones that do are hard to get ahold of, or only care if they are in the right mood.
You're not the only one dealing with shit. I am sorry, i truly am, but you caught me on a really bad day. I'm dealing with liking someone afraid of relationships, i'm fighting depression because no one gives a shit about me in a crowd, I keep getting ditched to sit by myself, every fucking person in the world is a stoner, a smoker, Fucking everyone, or a drinker but me and I feel completely left out because it seems like that's all they are interested in or can talk about. I have no life because I am too busy being responsible to have one, and caring what happens to my body, which no one else seems to care about (either thing), I have to deal with my family bitching at me and everyone around me Constantly, leaving my house and entering a complete new world blindly at the end of the school year and moving in with Montanna who has kindof been driving me up a wall the past few weeks... I really don't know how to feel about any of this, and I'm sorry if I'm too bunged up to be objective.
I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I have to fight it just like the rest of the world, I just want to be the happy person so bad that i put on the guise, no matter if i feel like hiding in my room for a week, and I know no one would notice if I did.
---------------------------------------------
I'm just so... tired of trying to live my life when no one seems to notice when I do. I know I exist only to please and help people, but it would be nice if I didn't sit by myself so often, and if people had more to talk about than sex drugs and alcohol. Maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong people, but... I love my friends, and I want to be supportive, I just don't think I can do this... it's seriously... all they talk about! While we were freaking in the car two people kept making out, and I just felt so... Out of place. I swear, I've felt out of place before, but Never more than when I'm with these people.
I swear... sometimes I'm the only person who isn't stoned drugged drunk high or horny all the freaking time... I wish I had someplace to go where life was simpler. Where people wanted to talk about something other than that. I can't even get myself a boyfriend let alone all that. Maybe if I wanted to do all that I would, but I have just no interest in drugs or alcohol. I hate the smell of smoke and beer, it makes me sick and my eyes burn, I have no want at all to be around that. But it seems like if I want to have friends I don't have a choice. I just... I wish there was another option.
I feel so... Alone. All the time. don't get me wrong, I love all these people to death, but..... Nilsa is amazing, but impossible to get ahold of and to ever see - I haven't seen her since school started. Shea is awesome, but has a boyfriend and thus vanishes a lot. Montanna is great except she's one of those people. Courtney is awesome, but she wants Constant freaking contact and I just can't do that. I love Marly, but I can't get her to leave her house, and she loves kira and Jordy so much more now, I never see her except when she has to ride the bus with me. Sam..... that's a whole nother rant.
Sam (Or as She would now like to be called - Spencer (and she would like to be called He on that note as well)) has been my best friend for ten years. Ten fucking years. And she hasn't texted me back since December Fifteenth, and that was an eight text message conversation. But no, She's fucking talking to every other person in the world, including at least two she swore she never wanted to talk to again. But no. Not me. Not her best friend who has been at her side for ten years of bullshit and pain. I've been trying to wait for her to get over herself and realize she needs friends who she hasn't dated/isn't going to date, but it's been nearly impossible, because when you don't text her you don't exist. And for that matter, when I do text her I don't exist. On facebook if I comment on something it's all I love yous and we're bfffs forever, but...... I want our friendship to mean more to her than a poke on facebook. best friendship cant only be a poke war. I feel like I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she is or what she wants from life... I miss her so much, but honestly I miss who she was, because I don't know the first thing about her anymore. I don't know her favorite color, her favorite bands, I don't fucking know anything about her except that she no longer wants to be a 'her'. i feel like as she's shedding 'Sam' and becoming 'Spencer' I'm losing every connection I had with her. I feel like sam is my best friend, always will be, but I don't know the first thing about Spencer, and I don't think he gives a shit about me at all. She moved down to louisiana and went and got erself a new brother and a new family, and forgot about her old one. Except my brother. Him she talks to. Fuckin everybody else in the world but me.
Goddamn... I love these people, I love her, so much more than they can every imagine, but... I'm just so SICK of their SHIT. SICK OF IT. I'm never comfortable... I'm never just.. Happy. I miss being comfortable i my own skin, so much. I miss being secure in having a best friend and someone I could always go to. I miss not feeling alone in every step of my life, I miss not having a boyfriend not being a big deal. I miss not feelin like shit because no one seems to think I'm good enough to even ask out, let alone commit to a relationship. Someone told me that he kinda wanted to ask me out freshman year but didn't because he was with someone, but that doesn't mean shit. Awesome. You kinda liked me freshman year, but didn't tell me until senior year while you have a girlfriend. I never liked you really.... but that's not the point. I just... I wish SOMEONE would give a shit about me and show it. i miss feeling like a human being with a real shot at finding someone decent instead of a chubby broken out over emotional teenage girl who is a complete hopeless romantic that is in fact.. Hopeless.
And there you go. 2062 words on how shitty I feel. Fuck... My lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Just Awesome... - Lauren
Well I think my dad just rid me of any way to ever do anything. He's just enlisted me and my brother Every Saturday for the foreseeable future to clean up the garage, and we have Epic Rehearsals (like a live action D&D game improvised on stage) Sundays for the foreseeable future... Weekdays I have school and homework... and somewhere in there I am still supposed to make a resume, find a job, store money, sort my stuff, plan moving out in june or july, learn to master my crappy Serger and make costumes almost entirely myself for Epic, Apply for scholarships and student aide because we're broke as hell and I don't have anything saved up...The list goes on...... I just don't know how I'm supposed to do all this... And have a life. Apparently I don't get to have one. I don't know how to do all of this, nor do I know how to go about doing ANY of this... Shit... I'm just so confused and I wish I had time to have a life amongst all of this shit. We just got into a big... not fight exactly, but rude disagreement and Dad keeps accusing me of having no ambition and not caring enough about my life to do anything, but really all this scares the shit out of me and I don't know how to do it, and he said in there without me having to say it that parents love more than anything for their kids to ask them for help, but then he goes on about how there's no time and how he's always so tired, and how his life is sooo much busier and more important than anything I do... and I wasn't going to start the fight because i know it has to happen and the house has to get clean, but he started it anyway then got all pissed when I couldn't just be all cheerful about my entire life going away and all the shit everyone expects of me in the next few months... sometimes i feel like everyone wants so much for me, but unless i'm doing something for them I don't matter. and they want me to do things, they give me an end result but don't bother telling me how to get there. Like giving someone an address in a city they've never been to and telling them to get there without a map... I don't know how to do this... I really don't. I really could use some help but don't know where to go or who to ask.
and I can't get my best friend to talk to me at all, and I don't know how to convince her she needs friends who don't want to get into her pants or vice versa... Girlfriend or no. Rae and I were talking about how much it sucks that we couldn't get sam to talk to the two remaining people who still gave a real shit about her, but now Sam is talking to her..... And Amanda... WTFFF?? and my brother... and it seems like everyone but me. I don't know how to live my life without her and i seriously feel like i'm losing her... I don't know how to be best friends with someone who won't talk to you and lives 8 hours away so you can't just show up and demand they talk to you... I don't know how to do this..... I really don't...
On a different side entirely, I still freaking like him and was up till two talking to him last night... I missed that. though i'm totally exhausted today. Dad keeps sideways mentioning to me that he's "not so secretly rooting for him to ask me out" and he has no idea that when he says that it digs into my chest and i feel like crying. He needs to learn that i'm not single because i want to be. I'm single because no one has given a shit to ask me out. Or really to even try. And that sucks. A lot. it hurts, and i feel like giving up entirely sometimes except that i'm a complete hopeless romantic and don't know how else to feel...
I don't know... I need help... but don't know where to go...
and I can't get my best friend to talk to me at all, and I don't know how to convince her she needs friends who don't want to get into her pants or vice versa... Girlfriend or no. Rae and I were talking about how much it sucks that we couldn't get sam to talk to the two remaining people who still gave a real shit about her, but now Sam is talking to her..... And Amanda... WTFFF?? and my brother... and it seems like everyone but me. I don't know how to live my life without her and i seriously feel like i'm losing her... I don't know how to be best friends with someone who won't talk to you and lives 8 hours away so you can't just show up and demand they talk to you... I don't know how to do this..... I really don't...
On a different side entirely, I still freaking like him and was up till two talking to him last night... I missed that. though i'm totally exhausted today. Dad keeps sideways mentioning to me that he's "not so secretly rooting for him to ask me out" and he has no idea that when he says that it digs into my chest and i feel like crying. He needs to learn that i'm not single because i want to be. I'm single because no one has given a shit to ask me out. Or really to even try. And that sucks. A lot. it hurts, and i feel like giving up entirely sometimes except that i'm a complete hopeless romantic and don't know how else to feel...
I don't know... I need help... but don't know where to go...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Life as we know it - Lauren
It's been a while. Life is decent, but there are some things I wished I could change...
I don't sleep much, not with Scare. So I'm always dead tired and really slow. I wish there was a way to do scare and still sleep. ><
Our house stinks - our water heater is broken and has been since this summer, and we aren't the best at keeping on top of things, so the dishes stink. I hate living in a house full of guys... It sucks. they are all slobs, and yet bryan (my uncle) always yells at us for not cleaning up. My dad isn't so bad, he hates things being dirty, he just doesn't have the time or particularly care enough to do things himself. He always has me or my brother do it when he's not doing anything in particular anyways. It's ridiculous. And my brother's just a sloppy whiny emo kid who needs to do his laundry more than once a month and shower more than only when his hair starts to get all sticky.
The house work doesn't get kept up because I don't have time to do everything myself, so nothing gets done. I hate it, it stinks, but... What can I do? I'm already not sleeping much... I don't have any choices but to just suffer... I can't wait to move out. I really can't. Yeah, it comes with all sorts of adult changes and living in the real world, and all that shit, but... As much as I love my family, I can't wait to not have to be around so many moody guys all day every day. >< Man, and they think we're bad. O.o
Montanna and Mike broke up last week, she came home to her stuff all packed and his status on facebook was single, and she (for the first time ever) after some debate (he's full of it - he's all "Well it's your choice if we're still together or not") she just said fuck it and left, and then an hour later he calls her and begs her to come home, he was wrong... all that shit. She's now staying back at their apartment, but didn't exactly hurry to put her facebook status back from single, she's not paying as much attention as before, she's hanging out with other people more, and he's not taking it so well. But honestly, he wasn't giving her room to be a teenager, and she wasn't ready to be an adult. She's 20, and he's twice her age. I'm sad that they are sad, but really i think it's better for both of them that they don't mend bridges and get together again, they just don't... mesh really. It just doesn't work.
I feel like I'm losing some of the all around niceness i was so known for... Once someone's broken my trust I really couldn't care less for them... And I feel bad for it, but it's true.
This morning in the hallway after the bell rang, we were slowly making our way to the doors with the crowd, and I passed AM&AN sitting together in the hallway, and when I glanced that direction AM's face was all pinkish and she had this look on her face, the one I knew from when we were really close as the one she makes just before she starts crying... and I didn't feel anything. I felt like I should feel bad, feel something, but.... I just turned away and kept walking. I feel really bad for it, but... She broke the friendship through all her lies and unwillingness to improve her own life, move forward, and fix the things she wanted to desperately to complain about. I have more sympathy for strangers than I did for someone who used to be one of my closest friends at that moment. I feel bad that I don't feel worse, but... I just can't make myself feel like she doesn't deserve anything she gets for the lifestyle she's chosen... She lied and lost all of her true friends who really cared, and now has a whole host of people who doesn't really care and are all out for their own self interest... I wish I could say I didn't think she deserves being kicked out of her house, I wish I could say I miss her, I wish I could say I wish we were still friends, but I can't... I don't believe any of it... I just can't make myself care anymore.
I don't sleep much, not with Scare. So I'm always dead tired and really slow. I wish there was a way to do scare and still sleep. ><
Our house stinks - our water heater is broken and has been since this summer, and we aren't the best at keeping on top of things, so the dishes stink. I hate living in a house full of guys... It sucks. they are all slobs, and yet bryan (my uncle) always yells at us for not cleaning up. My dad isn't so bad, he hates things being dirty, he just doesn't have the time or particularly care enough to do things himself. He always has me or my brother do it when he's not doing anything in particular anyways. It's ridiculous. And my brother's just a sloppy whiny emo kid who needs to do his laundry more than once a month and shower more than only when his hair starts to get all sticky.
The house work doesn't get kept up because I don't have time to do everything myself, so nothing gets done. I hate it, it stinks, but... What can I do? I'm already not sleeping much... I don't have any choices but to just suffer... I can't wait to move out. I really can't. Yeah, it comes with all sorts of adult changes and living in the real world, and all that shit, but... As much as I love my family, I can't wait to not have to be around so many moody guys all day every day. >< Man, and they think we're bad. O.o
Montanna and Mike broke up last week, she came home to her stuff all packed and his status on facebook was single, and she (for the first time ever) after some debate (he's full of it - he's all "Well it's your choice if we're still together or not") she just said fuck it and left, and then an hour later he calls her and begs her to come home, he was wrong... all that shit. She's now staying back at their apartment, but didn't exactly hurry to put her facebook status back from single, she's not paying as much attention as before, she's hanging out with other people more, and he's not taking it so well. But honestly, he wasn't giving her room to be a teenager, and she wasn't ready to be an adult. She's 20, and he's twice her age. I'm sad that they are sad, but really i think it's better for both of them that they don't mend bridges and get together again, they just don't... mesh really. It just doesn't work.
I feel like I'm losing some of the all around niceness i was so known for... Once someone's broken my trust I really couldn't care less for them... And I feel bad for it, but it's true.
This morning in the hallway after the bell rang, we were slowly making our way to the doors with the crowd, and I passed AM&AN sitting together in the hallway, and when I glanced that direction AM's face was all pinkish and she had this look on her face, the one I knew from when we were really close as the one she makes just before she starts crying... and I didn't feel anything. I felt like I should feel bad, feel something, but.... I just turned away and kept walking. I feel really bad for it, but... She broke the friendship through all her lies and unwillingness to improve her own life, move forward, and fix the things she wanted to desperately to complain about. I have more sympathy for strangers than I did for someone who used to be one of my closest friends at that moment. I feel bad that I don't feel worse, but... I just can't make myself feel like she doesn't deserve anything she gets for the lifestyle she's chosen... She lied and lost all of her true friends who really cared, and now has a whole host of people who doesn't really care and are all out for their own self interest... I wish I could say I didn't think she deserves being kicked out of her house, I wish I could say I miss her, I wish I could say I wish we were still friends, but I can't... I don't believe any of it... I just can't make myself care anymore.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Meltdown... - Lauren
I really don't feel like re-typing everything, so if you care... here's the huge meltdown I just had in chat form with courtney. >.>
courtney: (:how're you dahling?
me: >:(
9:41 PM I'm grumpy tired and frustrated. ><
9:42 PM Stupid homework I don't get that I can't turn in late, Stupid people making me feel bad for telling them I didn't approve of an idea, stupid weak-ness that means everytime i do any exercise all my muscles hurt
:(
courtney: ):
wanna talk about any of it?
9:45 PM me: Ugh... I dunno, I'm just frustrated and PMSing on top of it. I feel like I'm gonna cry......
Over nothing
courtney: ooh..):
well.
I'm here for yah, babe : )
me: :,)
9:46 PM I just don't wanna deal with any of this shit right now, I had a really long weekend and would very much like to sleep, but that's the one thing I don't get to do. >.>
courtney: aw ):
that's so sad.
I'm so sorry ):
9:47 PM me: Yeah... I hate this, it happens every couple of months. It'll alternate that my PMS is barely noticeable, to the next month it's a total bitch and I'm crying over everything and picking fights I don't mean to pick, and i hurt, and I'm always tired, and it just sucks........
9:48 PM I'm also just getting completely frustrated with being unable to do anything...
In a lot of different ways
9:50 PM I can't leave the house without begging someone else to take me or walking in the 90 degree weather, And I always feel bad making people go out of their way to get me for things...
9:52 PM I'm in personal fitness again because my credit didn't count before due to starting late, and it's completely kicking my ass and I get to completely fail at everything we do beause I just can't do it, and she gives me these awful looks because she thiniks I'm just giving up, but I really can't do it, and everyone else gets to watch me not be able to do it... and it sucks. And I always hurt now from it. my legs haven't stopped hurting in three weeks.
9:54 PM I can't freaking figure out how to do this homework, My english class is kicking my ass too, i think I'm failing right now. And it's not because my teacher is bad, it's just because I can't figure it out. I read these passages and just stared at them blankly. we're readings stuff in class and I just stare at it. I can't figure out how to write what we're writing, and it just... I just can't figure out what I'm doing.
courtney: ):
9:55 PM I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what you're doing, and physical fitness sucks balls.
most physical classes do.
but I mean,
you're just having a rough time.
I'm here for you(:
and I know how you feel, because that was my entire sophmore year.
I failed so badly.
I failed pretty much every class.
9:56 PM me: I guess this is going to sound bad, but I'm... not used to failing.
9:58 PM And especially in my AP Englsh class, the one thing I was always good at but now am always shown how much I am not good, they're always talking about college and what amazing college they're going to, and al the awesome AP classes and Scores on these super hard tests, and I just... I have to probably take a year off t get any money at all to even go to college, and I am more than likely going to ACC because it's all I can afford, Among most people I feel good about myself, and among these people I'm the bottom of the heap, scraping the barrel. I feel like crap and I don't know what to do about it...
9:59 PM courtney: well, I know how you feel.
but I mean,
you can get past failing.
10:00 PM you can pass your classes.
sure
it's kind of hard
but you can do it.
you're a smart person(:
and pass,
just to show those people
how smart you are(:
prove 'em all wrong!
10:01 PM me: It's not just that though.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life! Everyone seems to have these awesome plans... And I just hate thinking about it because I just don't know.
10:02 PM I don't want school to end
I don't want me entire life as I know it to be over
I don't want to spend a year doing nothing when everyone is going on to college
I don't want to have to change everything again
I hate bug life changes
I hate being uprooted and not knowing where I stand or what I'm doing
10:03 PM I don't want to do this
but again
no choice
10:04 PM courtney: but you'll figure it out(:
chase your passion.
what do you LOVE?
what are you good at? (:
you can do something with that!
10:05 PM me: The only thing I really love is singing and helping my friends, but you can't rely on music as a career and psychiatry requires many years of expensive schooling
courtney: yeah I hear that |:
I wanna be a criminologist.
but since that's a branch of psychology and sociology I'm gonna have to go for a minimum of like 8 years.
10:06 PM me: And I don't even have enough money to go to dinner.
I don't know how to do this
I completely feel like I've failed at my whole life
10:07 PM every little kid had all these hopes and dreams of what they wanted to do, and I didn't... I just sang and lived. I don't remember most of my childhood life because I didn't do anything. i was homeschooled and sat in my room for most of my life
10:09 PM And even choir is making me feel completely inferior. I know I can sing, but apperantly everyone else can sing better. I couldn't even make one solo in three years of the mediocre groups, let alone in one of the better groups. I made Chamber Choir which is awesome, but I really don't feel like a part of the group, or of acapella. I don't really talk to anyone, i just sit off to the side and then sing my part. I'm working on it, but choir was the only highlight a lot of the time, but that combined with the fact that I can't really stand our new choir teacher means i's not as great....
10:10 PM I love to sing, so much, but I can't get through a line without being yelled at and told how much we have to improve to be good.
10:12 PM courtney: ):
maybe...you're just a late bloomer.
everyone got their dreams early
you'll find yours (:
I promise you will.
and you haven't failed life, because if you did, you'd be dead, but you're not, because I won't let you because I love you too much to let anything bad happen ):
and if you need the money, you're probs gonna need a job, and make moneys D:
10:13 PM me: But I don't have a car or any way to reliably get to a job.
Thank you though....
It really does help. <3
I really could just use a hug right now. 10:14 PM But my best friend lives 8 hours away, and the closest friend who i think would come see me lives in hutto
10:15 PM courtney: ):
I'm going to
come to your house
a weekend
and give you
the biggest and bestest hug
EVER.
with sprinkles.
me: Haha, <3
10:16 PM But Somehow I'm so freaking busy.
I don't get to relax again till november.
Scare has my out every weekend
:(
10:17 PM courtney: : (
THEN I SHALL VISIT YOU
IN NOVEMBER.
and give you the biggest and bestest hug with sprinkles.
10:18 PM me: Hahaha. <3
I don't wanna wait till november. :(
Maybe you come to scare one day and I kidnaps you home with me
courtney: <3
maybe:)
that could works.
but doesn't your dad not like
spending the night?
10:19 PM I mean I could probs ask to be picked up that very day but I dunno o:
me: But he let jim stay the whole weekend at brandon's and I haven't asked in ages... Maybe he'll let me. hug
courtney: hmm maybe(:
<3
we'll have to see.
just be like
10:20 PM "dude. who wouldn't want god to grace our presence for a night?"
me: Haha. ^_^;;
That's another big issue, I am getting so seriously fed up with my family. They are driving me completely insane.
I cna't wait to be out of here, but I don't want to leave.
10:21 PM courtney: why don't you wanna leave?
I wanna leave so badly.
10:24 PM me: I just don't want to like... leave my house and everything that's happened here. I'm worried about living alone, I need a roommate, but I don't know who to ask because I get really fed up with a lot of my friends after a while. I couldn't live with shea, we couldn't do a week at her house, let alone living together. we both get too high strung. I was going to go with Montanna, we'd both talked about it when she was going to leave mike, but I seriously doubt that's happening, they seem to have reconciled at least not enough for her to leave him... Sam is going to live in Dallas to go to med school, and that's too far for me to move... I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. :(
10:25 PM I feel alone a lot
even though I know I'm not
10:26 PM courtney: ):
see
I could handle being alone
I've been alone my entire life
but you can find someone I promise(: <3
10:28 PM me: there's also the issue where I've completely failed in the relationship department... I don't know what I did, but somehow I'm the girl who's one of the guys and doesn't ever date and no one is interested in, People keep making reasons why, but there are always reasons and excuses I don't know.... I must've done something wrong, but I don't know what, and I think it's too late to fix it.
10:29 PM courtney: never too late(:
I've always been that ugly chick.
but I mean.
10:30 PM I've changed I think.
I mean, I'm still not liked
but it's alright I sppose
*suppose
10:32 PM me: But you're not ugly! You're adorable. And at least you have been though, I mean... I don't even mean people don't always like me, as far as I know no one has ever liked me, and if they have they never did enough to say something to me about it. No one. Ever. I feel like there's something wrong with that. I like people, it happens, but nobody ever likes me back. Often they like my friends instead, which is the suck...
I dunno, I guess I really do feel like I'm just not good enough......
10:33 PM I don't even know for what, but i can't think of anything I've accomplished, anything I've really dont...
*done
I don't DO anythin...
courtney: but you are(:
trust me dear, my life has been liking people and them never liking me pack.
hell, I've even been played, pretty much.
then go out and have your own adventures(:
be yourself.
10:34 PM people should like you for YOU and not like you for someone you're not(:
10:37 PM me: I know that last part, I do... But i guess I feel like there's too much ME and no one wants to look far enough to learn that much about me. :( And hell... This is going to sounds really bad but I don't mean it to be, At least someone liked you enough to try to play you. The most interest anyone's ever shown in me was he agreed to go on one date with me because montanna told him he had to go, because he told her brother I was cool, and she'd been trying to hook me up. That, and our awesome but slightly pervy friend who loves to jokingly hold people's hands and make jokes about stuff, but is completely uninterested for real, and has told me that I am one of the guys.. =/
10:38 PM courtney: man.
I used to be one of the guys.
like
so hardcore
in like elementary school.
but I mean
you can grow out of it.
I'm not really "one of the guys"
10:39 PM but I'm not "one of the girls" either.
I'm kind of my own person.
but I dunno broski.
you'll find someone I promise(:
10:41 PM but y'know,
you have been liked.
sam liked you.
but I mean, you don't...roll that way.
but I mean, you can be liked.
(:
10:42 PM me: I honestly think sometimes that being homeschooled may've fucked part of me up. I was made to be very social and have people around me, and I sat in my room for a long time. I didn't do anything, I had very few friends. I've always said that I grew up too fast, I wasn't really a kid for that long, but... I think part of me grew up really slow. So the part of me that started liking boys didn't show up at all until a while ago, and by then I'd already messed something up.... I dunno... >>
10:44 PM and yeah, she says so, but I really think (and with my logical mind not my reactionary mind) that she really just knew I would always be there for her, she wanted someone she could always trust, in essence she wants someone like me. but... I don't think she likes me so much, just the fact that I never left her, when everyone else did. She only liked me after she's been broken a million times... I mean, I just think it was a reaction,i if that makes any sense
courtney: ):
well.
I don't see why people couldn't like you
you're absolutely adorable and amazing.
10:45 PM and if people can't see that they deserve to be spited.
me: And isn't it a little sad that the only person who's ever liked me is my female best friend? Just a little?
courtney: I grew up too fast, too, that's most likely why I'm so childish.
not really?
my friend kathryn liked/likes me a lot, I don't know if she still does.
I haven't been liked by a lot of people, I don't think.
10:46 PM that was in middle school where people just follow the leader.
me: but you didn't grow up with her calling eachother sisters. >.>
Yeah........
I dunno... <,<
courtney: no, but we are that close kind of.
I dunno brotato, but you'll find someone I promise<3
we both will.
just gotta wait for that one person that can handle you at your worst:)
so far there's only been...
three people that have done that.
but one's 23,
10:47 PM the other was afraid of being a "pedo"
and the other played me.
me: :)
that's sad.....
courtney: bahaha
yeah.
kind of.
(Skip some irrelevant rambling convo here)
courtney: I mean
(So yeah... there's that. I'm going to sleep this off now and hope I have enough Energy to wake up tomorrow. :C )
courtney: (:how're you dahling?
me: >:(
9:41 PM I'm grumpy tired and frustrated. ><
9:42 PM Stupid homework I don't get that I can't turn in late, Stupid people making me feel bad for telling them I didn't approve of an idea, stupid weak-ness that means everytime i do any exercise all my muscles hurt
:(
courtney: ):
wanna talk about any of it?
9:45 PM me: Ugh... I dunno, I'm just frustrated and PMSing on top of it. I feel like I'm gonna cry......
Over nothing
courtney: ooh..):
well.
I'm here for yah, babe : )
me: :,)
9:46 PM I just don't wanna deal with any of this shit right now, I had a really long weekend and would very much like to sleep, but that's the one thing I don't get to do. >.>
courtney: aw ):
that's so sad.
I'm so sorry ):
9:47 PM me: Yeah... I hate this, it happens every couple of months. It'll alternate that my PMS is barely noticeable, to the next month it's a total bitch and I'm crying over everything and picking fights I don't mean to pick, and i hurt, and I'm always tired, and it just sucks........
9:48 PM I'm also just getting completely frustrated with being unable to do anything...
In a lot of different ways
9:50 PM I can't leave the house without begging someone else to take me or walking in the 90 degree weather, And I always feel bad making people go out of their way to get me for things...
9:52 PM I'm in personal fitness again because my credit didn't count before due to starting late, and it's completely kicking my ass and I get to completely fail at everything we do beause I just can't do it, and she gives me these awful looks because she thiniks I'm just giving up, but I really can't do it, and everyone else gets to watch me not be able to do it... and it sucks. And I always hurt now from it. my legs haven't stopped hurting in three weeks.
9:54 PM I can't freaking figure out how to do this homework, My english class is kicking my ass too, i think I'm failing right now. And it's not because my teacher is bad, it's just because I can't figure it out. I read these passages and just stared at them blankly. we're readings stuff in class and I just stare at it. I can't figure out how to write what we're writing, and it just... I just can't figure out what I'm doing.
courtney: ):
9:55 PM I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what you're doing, and physical fitness sucks balls.
most physical classes do.
but I mean,
you're just having a rough time.
I'm here for you(:
and I know how you feel, because that was my entire sophmore year.
I failed so badly.
I failed pretty much every class.
9:56 PM me: I guess this is going to sound bad, but I'm... not used to failing.
9:58 PM And especially in my AP Englsh class, the one thing I was always good at but now am always shown how much I am not good, they're always talking about college and what amazing college they're going to, and al the awesome AP classes and Scores on these super hard tests, and I just... I have to probably take a year off t get any money at all to even go to college, and I am more than likely going to ACC because it's all I can afford, Among most people I feel good about myself, and among these people I'm the bottom of the heap, scraping the barrel. I feel like crap and I don't know what to do about it...
9:59 PM courtney: well, I know how you feel.
but I mean,
you can get past failing.
10:00 PM you can pass your classes.
sure
it's kind of hard
but you can do it.
you're a smart person(:
and pass,
just to show those people
how smart you are(:
prove 'em all wrong!
10:01 PM me: It's not just that though.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life! Everyone seems to have these awesome plans... And I just hate thinking about it because I just don't know.
10:02 PM I don't want school to end
I don't want me entire life as I know it to be over
I don't want to spend a year doing nothing when everyone is going on to college
I don't want to have to change everything again
I hate bug life changes
I hate being uprooted and not knowing where I stand or what I'm doing
10:03 PM I don't want to do this
but again
no choice
10:04 PM courtney: but you'll figure it out(:
chase your passion.
what do you LOVE?
what are you good at? (:
you can do something with that!
10:05 PM me: The only thing I really love is singing and helping my friends, but you can't rely on music as a career and psychiatry requires many years of expensive schooling
courtney: yeah I hear that |:
I wanna be a criminologist.
but since that's a branch of psychology and sociology I'm gonna have to go for a minimum of like 8 years.
10:06 PM me: And I don't even have enough money to go to dinner.
I don't know how to do this
I completely feel like I've failed at my whole life
10:07 PM every little kid had all these hopes and dreams of what they wanted to do, and I didn't... I just sang and lived. I don't remember most of my childhood life because I didn't do anything. i was homeschooled and sat in my room for most of my life
10:09 PM And even choir is making me feel completely inferior. I know I can sing, but apperantly everyone else can sing better. I couldn't even make one solo in three years of the mediocre groups, let alone in one of the better groups. I made Chamber Choir which is awesome, but I really don't feel like a part of the group, or of acapella. I don't really talk to anyone, i just sit off to the side and then sing my part. I'm working on it, but choir was the only highlight a lot of the time, but that combined with the fact that I can't really stand our new choir teacher means i's not as great....
10:10 PM I love to sing, so much, but I can't get through a line without being yelled at and told how much we have to improve to be good.
10:12 PM courtney: ):
maybe...you're just a late bloomer.
everyone got their dreams early
you'll find yours (:
I promise you will.
and you haven't failed life, because if you did, you'd be dead, but you're not, because I won't let you because I love you too much to let anything bad happen ):
and if you need the money, you're probs gonna need a job, and make moneys D:
10:13 PM me: But I don't have a car or any way to reliably get to a job.
Thank you though....
It really does help. <3
I really could just use a hug right now. 10:14 PM But my best friend lives 8 hours away, and the closest friend who i think would come see me lives in hutto
10:15 PM courtney: ):
I'm going to
come to your house
a weekend
and give you
the biggest and bestest hug
EVER.
with sprinkles.
me: Haha, <3
10:16 PM But Somehow I'm so freaking busy.
I don't get to relax again till november.
Scare has my out every weekend
:(
10:17 PM courtney: : (
THEN I SHALL VISIT YOU
IN NOVEMBER.
and give you the biggest and bestest hug with sprinkles.
10:18 PM me: Hahaha. <3
I don't wanna wait till november. :(
Maybe you come to scare one day and I kidnaps you home with me
courtney: <3
maybe:)
that could works.
but doesn't your dad not like
spending the night?
10:19 PM I mean I could probs ask to be picked up that very day but I dunno o:
me: But he let jim stay the whole weekend at brandon's and I haven't asked in ages... Maybe he'll let me. hug
courtney: hmm maybe(:
<3
we'll have to see.
just be like
10:20 PM "dude. who wouldn't want god to grace our presence for a night?"
me: Haha. ^_^;;
That's another big issue, I am getting so seriously fed up with my family. They are driving me completely insane.
I cna't wait to be out of here, but I don't want to leave.
10:21 PM courtney: why don't you wanna leave?
I wanna leave so badly.
10:24 PM me: I just don't want to like... leave my house and everything that's happened here. I'm worried about living alone, I need a roommate, but I don't know who to ask because I get really fed up with a lot of my friends after a while. I couldn't live with shea, we couldn't do a week at her house, let alone living together. we both get too high strung. I was going to go with Montanna, we'd both talked about it when she was going to leave mike, but I seriously doubt that's happening, they seem to have reconciled at least not enough for her to leave him... Sam is going to live in Dallas to go to med school, and that's too far for me to move... I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. :(
10:25 PM I feel alone a lot
even though I know I'm not
10:26 PM courtney: ):
see
I could handle being alone
I've been alone my entire life
but you can find someone I promise(: <3
10:28 PM me: there's also the issue where I've completely failed in the relationship department... I don't know what I did, but somehow I'm the girl who's one of the guys and doesn't ever date and no one is interested in, People keep making reasons why, but there are always reasons and excuses I don't know.... I must've done something wrong, but I don't know what, and I think it's too late to fix it.
10:29 PM courtney: never too late(:
I've always been that ugly chick.
but I mean.
10:30 PM I've changed I think.
I mean, I'm still not liked
but it's alright I sppose
*suppose
10:32 PM me: But you're not ugly! You're adorable. And at least you have been though, I mean... I don't even mean people don't always like me, as far as I know no one has ever liked me, and if they have they never did enough to say something to me about it. No one. Ever. I feel like there's something wrong with that. I like people, it happens, but nobody ever likes me back. Often they like my friends instead, which is the suck...
I dunno, I guess I really do feel like I'm just not good enough......
10:33 PM I don't even know for what, but i can't think of anything I've accomplished, anything I've really dont...
*done
I don't DO anythin...
courtney: but you are(:
trust me dear, my life has been liking people and them never liking me pack.
hell, I've even been played, pretty much.
then go out and have your own adventures(:
be yourself.
10:34 PM people should like you for YOU and not like you for someone you're not(:
10:37 PM me: I know that last part, I do... But i guess I feel like there's too much ME and no one wants to look far enough to learn that much about me. :( And hell... This is going to sounds really bad but I don't mean it to be, At least someone liked you enough to try to play you. The most interest anyone's ever shown in me was he agreed to go on one date with me because montanna told him he had to go, because he told her brother I was cool, and she'd been trying to hook me up. That, and our awesome but slightly pervy friend who loves to jokingly hold people's hands and make jokes about stuff, but is completely uninterested for real, and has told me that I am one of the guys.. =/
10:38 PM courtney: man.
I used to be one of the guys.
like
so hardcore
in like elementary school.
but I mean
you can grow out of it.
I'm not really "one of the guys"
10:39 PM but I'm not "one of the girls" either.
I'm kind of my own person.
but I dunno broski.
you'll find someone I promise(:
10:41 PM but y'know,
you have been liked.
sam liked you.
but I mean, you don't...roll that way.
but I mean, you can be liked.
(:
10:42 PM me: I honestly think sometimes that being homeschooled may've fucked part of me up. I was made to be very social and have people around me, and I sat in my room for a long time. I didn't do anything, I had very few friends. I've always said that I grew up too fast, I wasn't really a kid for that long, but... I think part of me grew up really slow. So the part of me that started liking boys didn't show up at all until a while ago, and by then I'd already messed something up.... I dunno... >>
10:44 PM and yeah, she says so, but I really think (and with my logical mind not my reactionary mind) that she really just knew I would always be there for her, she wanted someone she could always trust, in essence she wants someone like me. but... I don't think she likes me so much, just the fact that I never left her, when everyone else did. She only liked me after she's been broken a million times... I mean, I just think it was a reaction,i if that makes any sense
courtney: ):
well.
I don't see why people couldn't like you
you're absolutely adorable and amazing.
10:45 PM and if people can't see that they deserve to be spited.
me: And isn't it a little sad that the only person who's ever liked me is my female best friend? Just a little?
courtney: I grew up too fast, too, that's most likely why I'm so childish.
not really?
my friend kathryn liked/likes me a lot, I don't know if she still does.
I haven't been liked by a lot of people, I don't think.
10:46 PM that was in middle school where people just follow the leader.
me: but you didn't grow up with her calling eachother sisters. >.>
Yeah........
I dunno... <,<
courtney: no, but we are that close kind of.
I dunno brotato, but you'll find someone I promise<3
we both will.
just gotta wait for that one person that can handle you at your worst:)
so far there's only been...
three people that have done that.
but one's 23,
10:47 PM the other was afraid of being a "pedo"
and the other played me.
me: :)
that's sad.....
courtney: bahaha
yeah.
kind of.
(Skip some irrelevant rambling convo here)
courtney: I mean
I guess I'm kind of...
pretty ish?
I have a decent personallity
but I don't know why people legitimately like me.
me: I kinda feel the same. 
courtney: mhm.
me: ><
Ugh
well
at least I've stopped like... Completely freaking out and crying now. >.>
courtney: ):
I'm here for you<3
me: thanks... i think my friends get tired of it sometimes. >.>
thanks... i think my friends get tired of it sometimes. >.> courtney: naaah
(:
me: Well, just cuz you don't doesn't mean the rest don't. >.> I feel like most of us are just growing apart, I hardly see anyone anymore. >.>
Well, just cuz you don't doesn't mean the rest don't. >.> I feel like most of us are just growing apart, I hardly see anyone anymore. >.> courtney: aw... ):
yeah doesn't that feeling suck?
me: Yeah... a lot. considering I give up so much of my life to help them and shit, and they don't even care enough to try to stay friends
courtney: ):
hun you gotta take care of yourself sometimes.
me: I don't know how.....
courtney: ):
you'l llearn(:
if I can do it, you can too!
Sent at 11:03 PM on Monday
me: I suppose... I spent so much time helping others because it made me feel good to help, and it helped them, that I never learned how to take care of myself...
I spent so much time helping others because it made me feel good to help, and it helped them, that I never learned how to take care of myself... courtney: ...
man
we're so alike it's scary.
me: that... Doesn't make me as happy as it should. I don't like that anyone else has to feel what am. >.>
(So yeah... there's that. I'm going to sleep this off now and hope I have enough Energy to wake up tomorrow. :C )
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
what can i say? - B R I A N N A
i dont mean to brag
but
im basically the best person on earth
im serious
sometimes im surprised that im not nominated fer person of the year
no okay im kidding about that
but really.
how many people do you know can take care of 2 dogs
one thats sick
and one thats only a puppy
an 11 year old boy
a fifteen year old with her 18 year old boyfriend
and can help one of her best friends with whats going on in life
all in one day
and
at the age of 13
?
not many that i know of.
i mean of course i dont mind doing it
i like keeping myself busy
i do this once a week while my mom goes to College
i mean my moms got so much on her plate
i dunt mind playing mommy for one night a week
besides its just 3 more times
then she starts online classes
My mom always told me as a little girl,
id make my brother play with me
id make him my son,
get him ready fer school,
then id play the teacher
and on some days we'd go on an
Adventure
around the house.
sighh
today was my Reminiscing day
Old notes,
pictures
songs
friends
posts, comments
crushes
the works
its insane how much changes in a year, right?
everyone knows that
know just think back to 4th grade
look how different you are
isnt it weird
like its almost weird to think that its the same person
...
but thats just the thing.
were not the same people.
were different and i bet that if we were to stay the same..
well if i were to stay the same, i wouldnt be writing here
id be out doing something else
...
so..
my friends seem to be finding great guys
like outta nowhere
Lexi was set up on a blind date nd from what i hear
he seems great!
Nilsas got ben,
and to lean on shes got her Mc boy
from art class
and then theres me,
recently dumped fer the first time
ruining my perfect streak
with no one to back me up.
does that sound...
pathetic?
yeah that was a stupid question it is VERY pathetic.
but anyways i mean
when the times right
i'll meet a guy whos as good as they get
and hey like i said
its summer
nd i dun need a man :)
but hey who knows what can happen?
we've still got about a month nd a half til school :)
we'll just see :)
So
today i was helping Martin with some stuff thats going on
i had no problem putting aside how i felt to help him
i think i deserve a pat on the back
but it wasnt really that hard
i guess i just care enough for him
but..
i dun know.
...........................
*Brianna**
but
im basically the best person on earth
im serious
sometimes im surprised that im not nominated fer person of the year
no okay im kidding about that
but really.
how many people do you know can take care of 2 dogs
one thats sick
and one thats only a puppy
an 11 year old boy
a fifteen year old with her 18 year old boyfriend
and can help one of her best friends with whats going on in life
all in one day
and
at the age of 13
?
not many that i know of.
i mean of course i dont mind doing it
i like keeping myself busy
i do this once a week while my mom goes to College
i mean my moms got so much on her plate
i dunt mind playing mommy for one night a week
besides its just 3 more times
then she starts online classes
My mom always told me as a little girl,
id make my brother play with me
id make him my son,
get him ready fer school,
then id play the teacher
and on some days we'd go on an
Adventure
around the house.
sighh
today was my Reminiscing day
Old notes,
pictures
songs
friends
posts, comments
crushes
the works
its insane how much changes in a year, right?
everyone knows that
know just think back to 4th grade
look how different you are
isnt it weird
like its almost weird to think that its the same person
...
but thats just the thing.
were not the same people.
were different and i bet that if we were to stay the same..
well if i were to stay the same, i wouldnt be writing here
id be out doing something else
...
so..
my friends seem to be finding great guys
like outta nowhere
Lexi was set up on a blind date nd from what i hear
he seems great!
Nilsas got ben,
and to lean on shes got her Mc boy
from art class
and then theres me,
recently dumped fer the first time
ruining my perfect streak
with no one to back me up.
does that sound...
pathetic?
yeah that was a stupid question it is VERY pathetic.
but anyways i mean
when the times right
i'll meet a guy whos as good as they get
and hey like i said
its summer
nd i dun need a man :)
but hey who knows what can happen?
we've still got about a month nd a half til school :)
we'll just see :)
So
today i was helping Martin with some stuff thats going on
i had no problem putting aside how i felt to help him
i think i deserve a pat on the back
but it wasnt really that hard
i guess i just care enough for him
but..
i dun know.
...........................
*Brianna**
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Life, For now - Lauren
So on Monday I went to Highland mall with Nilsa and Francesca, it was supposed to be a reunion of camp people... But the boys never showed up, so it was a girl's reunion. It was a lot of fun, a bit strange in the conversation flow, we would go from high pitched obnoxious laughter that chased everyone away from our awesomeness, to really deep important conversations. And it would fluctuate like that all day. P= The girls made me get my first casual dress since I was little (purplish pink and blackins gray tye-dye with a waistband in the middle - sale 7 bucks. XD), and my first pair of skinny jeans (white with gray kinda zebra stripes, but not really, and carefully planned rips - sale for 10 bucks lol.) I liked them both, but they insisted. XD Nilsa even said about the pants when I had tried them on with another shirt that the reason I hadn't gotten a date yet was because I didn't have that outfit. XD I didn't get the shirt, I firmly believe I need to be skinnier before I wear something that tight. =X but it was a fun day. Then instead of the movie we had planned on we retired to Nilsa's house, and we watched Ponyo which is an adorable movie. Then we were sad cuz Francesca went home, and she's moving to florida in a couple of days, and it's sad. Y-Y I ended up spending the night cuz by the time i got ahold of my dad it was late and he didn't want to get me, so I slept over and we had a strange semi-photoshoot cuz we felt like it. That was my first sleepover with Nilsa, and my first this summer. XD It was really fun, I had a great time.
Do you know that feeling where you know bad things happen in the world. They exist, you read stories about them. But... Until it happens to someone you know it never really sinks in how awful they are. I was in a weird mood all day yesterday because it was sinking in. Now nothing actually happened to my friend, but almost, and it's pretty damn scary to think about.
And now my dad just found a bag of my mothers makeup, (he asked me to take what I wanted and throw the rest away) and is clearly going to be in a weird mood all day and I still haven't gotten up the guts to increase his stress level even higher and tell him i found out my brother's sneaking out at night to go see his secret girlfriend... What am I to do..? =(
Do you know that feeling where you know bad things happen in the world. They exist, you read stories about them. But... Until it happens to someone you know it never really sinks in how awful they are. I was in a weird mood all day yesterday because it was sinking in. Now nothing actually happened to my friend, but almost, and it's pretty damn scary to think about.
And now my dad just found a bag of my mothers makeup, (he asked me to take what I wanted and throw the rest away) and is clearly going to be in a weird mood all day and I still haven't gotten up the guts to increase his stress level even higher and tell him i found out my brother's sneaking out at night to go see his secret girlfriend... What am I to do..? =(
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Hey, guys!-Claudia
Hey, everyone! I'm Claudia, one of Nilsa's friends from church. She invited me to this blog a while ago, but I just haven't decided to make a post until now! I'm 14 and I just "graduated" (it seems cheesy to use that word for middle school, but whatever) from Kealing and now I guess I'm going to LASA at LBJ in the fall. My home school is McCallum, and sometimes I wish I was going there with all my friends, instead. It definitely would be a lot less pressure there, but I guess I can always switch schools....we'll see how that goes.
I live in North/Central Austin, right by the railroad tracks, which I adore walking along, laws be damned. I love downtown Austin and it's where I spend most of my free time, SoCo, Sixth Street, The Drag...hooray! I also love reading poetry and philosophy, writing stories and poems, drawing, and photography.
I also really like nerdy things like comic books, Harry Potter, and the interwebs, which I probably spend way too much time on.
I really don't have that much drama going on in my life anymore. I have three best friends from school, Elizabeth, Deborah, and Erika. We used to be in this huge group of people who hung out together, but you know how stuff in middle school goes...you lose friends to fights, drugs, and other people and that's just the way it is. Anyway, I'm much happier now with a small group of friends who are nice people and who I can always count on.
I don't have a boyfriend, though...never have had a REAL boyfriend, really. I've never even kissed anyone except for, like, Truth or Dare which doesn't even count. I mean, guys ask me out and everything, but I guess I just find guys my age...disappointing. That makes me sound kind of stuck up and annoying, but it's true.
My parents are divorced, but I hate it when people pull sympathy faces about it, I'm actually really glad they are, because when they were together it was hell. I have two little brothers, who are adorable yet irratating, and one older half brother, but he lives with his family and is old enough to be my dad, ha.
Anyway, this was just an introduction to me, hope it was okay! :)
I live in North/Central Austin, right by the railroad tracks, which I adore walking along, laws be damned. I love downtown Austin and it's where I spend most of my free time, SoCo, Sixth Street, The Drag...hooray! I also love reading poetry and philosophy, writing stories and poems, drawing, and photography.
I also really like nerdy things like comic books, Harry Potter, and the interwebs, which I probably spend way too much time on.
I really don't have that much drama going on in my life anymore. I have three best friends from school, Elizabeth, Deborah, and Erika. We used to be in this huge group of people who hung out together, but you know how stuff in middle school goes...you lose friends to fights, drugs, and other people and that's just the way it is. Anyway, I'm much happier now with a small group of friends who are nice people and who I can always count on.
I don't have a boyfriend, though...never have had a REAL boyfriend, really. I've never even kissed anyone except for, like, Truth or Dare which doesn't even count. I mean, guys ask me out and everything, but I guess I just find guys my age...disappointing. That makes me sound kind of stuck up and annoying, but it's true.
My parents are divorced, but I hate it when people pull sympathy faces about it, I'm actually really glad they are, because when they were together it was hell. I have two little brothers, who are adorable yet irratating, and one older half brother, but he lives with his family and is old enough to be my dad, ha.
Anyway, this was just an introduction to me, hope it was okay! :)
Monday, May 31, 2010
why is everything soo good right noww? -Brianna
im gonna have to let it go in 2.5 days. theres no problems with me and Jason, what little drama happened this year, is fixed. all the people i care about, are with me. but in just 2 and a half days i have to let it go. i have to let some people go. i dont even know if me and jason are going to high school together. will i cry on the last day of school? yes.. mostly of fear of not seeing him again and having to break up. see, i dont do long distance relationships. they're stupid and hardly ever work. like the friends im not going to high school with i have their numbers, i know where they live *nd if i dont ill figure it out ;)** we all have facebooks, myspaces, and twitters. but Jason.. its harder letting him go cause i love him. i mean yeah i love my friends but its a different kind of love. and like lately hes super sweet. like, for example, i asked him what he was gonna do for the three day weekend, and he replied saying "think about you mostly" :) last night around 9:30, he texted me out of the blue and wrote "ily for ever" today we've been texting and talking as much as we can. i know durring the summer we can plan to meet up but its harder because my moms supper strict now because of my sister. i mean im not complaining its just "i wish"... thats all i seem to be saying lately. "i wish we could hang out together" "i wish we could go to high school together" "i wish we could talk instead of text" "i wish rumors would stop spreading" i wish... but againn.. im not complaining, im jsut wishing.. anywyas. my weekend was alrightt, boring but good. right now ive got a head ache which sucks but i'll just take some Tylenol. well gotta go get ready fer school tomorrow, adios. oh P.S. jason says he might give me the surprise tomorrow :D if he does i'll blog during school. tomorrow is also the cast party, and im getting my shoes for graduation :D okay now im off byee!!
"Every time you're near
Trouble disappears
Under the ground
But when you go to far
Silver clouds will start hanging around
And I know why
Try to run
But I keep on
Coming back
Full circle
And I can't jump the track
Can't let you go"
"Every time you're near
Trouble disappears
Under the ground
But when you go to far
Silver clouds will start hanging around
And I know why
Try to run
But I keep on
Coming back
Full circle
And I can't jump the track
Can't let you go"
Saturday, April 10, 2010
I realize I like Closure -Nilsa
Thanks to Brianna, I've realized this about myself.
Out of all of them, the only one who refuses to say hi to me, laugh at a joke I make in class or say 'excuse me' when she needs to walk by is HER. "Someone #1." It's pretty darn ironic.
The thing is, I hate just having to see her every day, not knowing how she feels or whats really happened.
Basically, what I've been thinking lately is that I just want to talk to her. I mean, now that everything has calmed down. I want to professionally, politely, and kindly talk about what has happened and share our sides of the stroy. No yelling, no blaming, and no crying (no promises for that last one on my part). It has to be face-to-face. I just really need this to happen. I need this to end in a healthy manner. It's been almost seven months since I recieved that horrible text; enough time for me to get all new friends but not enough time for the pain to cese in any way, shape or form. It's just been long enough for me to learn to deal with it. I'm almost at peace with myself... almost. But I need to do this. I just need the OK first.
Out of all of them, the only one who refuses to say hi to me, laugh at a joke I make in class or say 'excuse me' when she needs to walk by is HER. "Someone #1." It's pretty darn ironic.
The thing is, I hate just having to see her every day, not knowing how she feels or whats really happened.
Basically, what I've been thinking lately is that I just want to talk to her. I mean, now that everything has calmed down. I want to professionally, politely, and kindly talk about what has happened and share our sides of the stroy. No yelling, no blaming, and no crying (no promises for that last one on my part). It has to be face-to-face. I just really need this to happen. I need this to end in a healthy manner. It's been almost seven months since I recieved that horrible text; enough time for me to get all new friends but not enough time for the pain to cese in any way, shape or form. It's just been long enough for me to learn to deal with it. I'm almost at peace with myself... almost. But I need to do this. I just need the OK first.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
ARRGAHHH! -Nilsa
I should be happy, I really should. I feel like a cry-baby (minus the tears). I have a great boyfriend, awesome new friends and pretty much the best mom I could ask for. But still... just... ARRGAHHH! Today, I kinda broke down in my mind, and had to work so hard to control myself. We got back from UIL with horrible scores, then I found out rehersals was canceled, THEN I had to go to track, and that-one-thing-that-is-my-biggest-secret-ever was bothering me. Meanwhile, I was thinking wayyyy too much about things that were going on, and for some reason, my eyes started watering up. It's my normal daily routine! So, what, am I just gonna compleatly snap every couple months or so from now on because of the stress. Dude, I need a punching bag. I REALLY don't want a tumor to evolve from this.
In other news, I presented my amazing Macbeth parody to the class. Unfortunitly, my old friends were jealous and yelled the entire time about how it wasn't as good is theirs. Well then, why don't they go find theirs?! At least I'm respectful of them. I got tons of complements later, and random people coming up to me saying, "I heard your macbeth project was amazing!" Too bad most of the people in my class weren't strong enough to laugh as much as they wanted to.
In other news, I presented my amazing Macbeth parody to the class. Unfortunitly, my old friends were jealous and yelled the entire time about how it wasn't as good is theirs. Well then, why don't they go find theirs?! At least I'm respectful of them. I got tons of complements later, and random people coming up to me saying, "I heard your macbeth project was amazing!" Too bad most of the people in my class weren't strong enough to laugh as much as they wanted to.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Whats Up? -Nilsa
First off, MoMo is in the hospital... something she very much does not deserve. I was pretty darn scared for her last night, but a text from Kerry tells me that shes going to be alright. :)
I also CANNOT wait for Spring Break. Galveston with Brianna and Lexi? I certainly hope so. It would be amazing x infinity and be a great stress relief for all of us.
I'm super happy that Brianna and Haley have everything worked out. I don't know if I could stand any more drama this year.
Brianna is moving on! I don't care what she says, I see it in her eyes! Happy day! I approve of her new intrest so far!
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And sometimes, happier. I mean, I'm walking down a very painful memory lane drinking from this mug my mom ordered a year ago with pictures of us on it. But really, I feel almost free now. The only think holding me back is...still them . The constant harassment has got to stop.
I also CANNOT wait for Spring Break. Galveston with Brianna and Lexi? I certainly hope so. It would be amazing x infinity and be a great stress relief for all of us.
I'm super happy that Brianna and Haley have everything worked out. I don't know if I could stand any more drama this year.
Brianna is moving on! I don't care what she says, I see it in her eyes! Happy day! I approve of her new intrest so far!
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And sometimes, happier. I mean, I'm walking down a very painful memory lane drinking from this mug my mom ordered a year ago with pictures of us on it. But really, I feel almost free now. The only think holding me back is...still them . The constant harassment has got to stop.
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