I feel Weird... - Lauren

John and I are Five months on Tuesday.
Five  months. That's a long time, especially for me.
He's my first real boyfriend, and the first person to ever tell me he loves me.

Because of the fact that I had to wait until I was nearly -18- years old before this happened, I developed some issues. I didn't hate myself. but I didn't really think I was worth anything.
And because of -that- I had some terrible self-image issues and due to -that- I had... Intimacy issues. 
Well I've broken that. I broke through my issues and finally was able to open up and stop hating on myself, I finally understand that I -am- worth something to at least one someone, and so today...
Well lemme show you the message I sent to Sam and Shea after the fact.

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• 

  6 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • Soooo...
    I was hanging out with John today, he was over to help me clean up and deal with shit, and I figure the both of you might kill me if I didn't tell you when my first time was, sooooo there's that. ^////^;; He ran to go get us lunch so I'm sending this. But dad just got home so I'm hitting send and making it go away now!
    
    Love yas!
    
    Please no murder. ♥
• 

  6 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Not exactly how I thought you'd lose your viriginity but fair enough! Hope you used protection~ ♥ And noworries, I wont murder you... Not yet. >>
• 

  6 hours ago

  Shea Kilgannon

  • :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
    
    You're too cute.
    My little girl is growing up so fast. :'D
    ♥
• 

  5 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • You've thought about it? ^^;; And yes, of course I did. P: Yet? D: Is there a reason you're going to murder me? O.O
    
    Ooooomigod shea. XD So many smileys ^^;;
• 

  5 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Well, I just knew you to be so conservative and what not. Plus with your last relationship with dog face.... I dunno, it was just sort of a surprise for me I guess. *shrugs* And good girl. Least you use your brain unlike your brother.
• 

  5 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • I know. I didn't want to for a long time, but come tuesday we'll have been together five months... >///<;;
    Well Dog face and I never did anything, John was my first kiss. You know that. P: I'm finally completely over him and everything that happened. :3
    This whole thing is still a surprise to me, I'm still working on the whole believing someone else can like me like that thing, but... he really does love me. ♥ And I love him. ^/////^
    
    And you know me, I'm all brains. The boy one... not so much ^^;;
• 

  5 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Indeed. Well, I'm glad you used your head hun. I hope you and him can go the distance. And ps, dog face lost something good.
• 

  2 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • Thanks hun. ♥
    He did, didn't he...
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    So yeah. There's that. ^^;;
    And this is titled I feel Weird because I do kind of, but not like I expected. 
    I think i worked myself up for it to be this huge deal, and it really wasn't. 
    I just feel kindof dazed, and sleepy. Lol. 
    Though... somehow I do feel a bit different, I guess because of Sam's reaction to my being so conservative, I was. really bad. and I've loosened up a lot, so I guess I'm letting go of that conservative tight person who hates shorts and tank tops and swearing and showing skin... I'm loosening up, and calming down. It feels nice, I don't think I realized how tightly I was wound. 
    But... It's weird. I'm losing who I was for so long... It's not bad, I don't think, but it is definitely... Weird.

The Dating Situation - Lauren

So John and I have been dating for a month now (as of yesterday). It's still very strange to me... I don't really know what to make of it. I guess I'm really behind on all this... It's a little sad really... But hey. I'm catching up. quite probably too fast for my liking. I spent the weekend with a bunch of scare people, camping out at Jarrett's parent's ranch out past san saba, and of course because it was a scare thing John was there, and it was an amazing weekend. Saturday night it got down to 23 degrees and it was cold as all hell, and Jarrett had set up a movie outside to amuse the teenagers while the adults slept, and John and I were curled up in a chair together to stay warm, it was really comfy, and I really enjoyed that part. I slept on his shoulder both two and a half hour car rides, up and back, it was nice. But... he came over for a little while on valentines day and things got... well lets say you put two teenagers who really like each other in a house alone, and guess what happens. We didn't go all the way but we got pretty damn close and it spooked me a bit...

This is going to sound really weird but... none of that sexual stuff really matters to me. Like, at all. I'm such a complete and utter hopeless romantic, I love all the dumb, romantic, sweet, whatever, stuff. I love the stupid heart fights and the endless compliments on both ends... I love hearing I love you and saying it back, But... The other end of it... Really I couldn't care less. Clearly he does care. But... I just don't know if I want to go there yet. But... It really doesn't seem to affect me much either way.

The only thing I'm really concerned about is how broke i am and I don't want to do Shit unless I know damn sure nothing's going to come of it that will affect my future. I may not know what I want that future to be yet, but I know damn well I don't want to be one of those girls, just graduated with an infant on her hip. I want kids and a family, when I'm older and after I've had a chance to live my life.

I feel kinda bad, he wants to do a lot of what some refer to I guess as sexting, and I really couldn't care less, but I'm working on my physics project and ranting here, I really didn't feel like going there right now, I just turned my phone off. I needed a chance to think. I suppose that's the problem with teenage boys.... and being me. I really just... Don't care. I guess I probably should, but... I don't. Is that weird...? I really don't entirely know what to do here... >< I guess I just kinda wish you could turn that part off. Just have the gooey yucky romantic stuff, without bothering with the rest, but... That doesn't happen. ^_^;; I guess I'll just have to figure out where my line is and what I'm comfortable doing, since it's not for me... Bleh. >< Stupid being complicated. :/

this is not okay... - B R I A N N A

Okay so i know ive been posting a lot
especially about guys.
but this one
this isnt about a guy at all
well okay sorta
but its his fault!
if i wouldnt have ever met him
none of this would be happening!!
hes stupid
he dosent see what hes doing to me
to me, or to my brother or mom
or even to my sister!!
he's blind as hell
and shes right behind him.
why is it so hard to see things
that are right in front of your face?!
its not hard at all!!
*******
yesterday was exactly 4 months since the pregnancy scare
4 months ago.
im still in shock that that could happen
it goes against everything i say
everything i do
and yet,
it happened.
why couldnt i be the older sister?
if i was the older one,
id be her role model,
she'd look up to me because shed know that i was always doing the right thing
she wouldnt have to worry about
me sneaking out,
and worrying where im at
or who im with,
or better yet if im catching any STD's .
She'd know that any marks on my shoulder
are burns, and not just an excuse to say she hurt me.
she'd know that the right thing to do,
is wait til yer actually IN love.
to wait until youre mature
and know right from wrong,
and know all the possibilities of having sex in the first place.
she didnt realize that with loosing her virginity,
came the possibility of a baby.
and she still doesnt.
every time he comes over and theyre in OUR room having sex,
she doesnt realize that shes just hurting herself.
and when she tells me that they had sex,
she has this smile on her face
like if shes proud of it
or like shes actually doing something worth bragging about.
shes only 15, and shes had sex, had two pregnancy scares, and ive walked in on her giving him a hand job.
all under the same roof...
the one i live under
like do they not have any respect?
like me?
yeah i can handle it
im not a child
i was forced to grow up quickly,
but my brother!
hes fucking 11
do you know how hard it is fer him?!
first he doesnt know his dad,
he left us when my brother was 5 months old..
i was two, thats the last time ive seen him
my brother needs a father figure,
the closest thing to that is any guys me nd my sister date
but Jesus my sister doesnt understand that!!!
all my sister cares about now
is Stephen.
and dont get my wrong hes funny and
a good friend.
FRIEND
nothing more.
he needs to mature before he tries to settle down.
*****
4 months ago is when my life literally turned upside down
four months ago..
i think it only hit me a few days ago.
it hit me that my sister,
the oldest,
the one whos supposed to tell me everythings okay
nd that no ones gonna hurt me,
and that gives me advice,
finally cracked, cried to me and asked me,
she asked me to tell her everythings okay
and that everything will be fine
nd i had to lie to her
i told her everything was gonna be perfect.
its what she needed to hear at the time.
yesterday,
four months later
i couldnt stand to look at her
or at Stephen as they walked into the house.
they said that my mom gave them permission to go to Stephens friends house
i dun believe that
they walked in about 40 minutes after they left,
said that there was a change in plans
i know they left to go have sex.
before they left the house
alexis changed into basketball shorts and a tee shirt
thats her
"im having sex today"
outfit.
i think ive cleared my mind enough...