this is not okay... - B R I A N N A

Okay so i know ive been posting a lot
especially about guys.
but this one
this isnt about a guy at all
well okay sorta
but its his fault!
if i wouldnt have ever met him
none of this would be happening!!
hes stupid
he dosent see what hes doing to me
to me, or to my brother or mom
or even to my sister!!
he's blind as hell
and shes right behind him.
why is it so hard to see things
that are right in front of your face?!
its not hard at all!!
*******
yesterday was exactly 4 months since the pregnancy scare
4 months ago.
im still in shock that that could happen
it goes against everything i say
everything i do
and yet,
it happened.
why couldnt i be the older sister?
if i was the older one,
id be her role model,
she'd look up to me because shed know that i was always doing the right thing
she wouldnt have to worry about
me sneaking out,
and worrying where im at
or who im with,
or better yet if im catching any STD's .
She'd know that any marks on my shoulder
are burns, and not just an excuse to say she hurt me.
she'd know that the right thing to do,
is wait til yer actually IN love.
to wait until youre mature
and know right from wrong,
and know all the possibilities of having sex in the first place.
she didnt realize that with loosing her virginity,
came the possibility of a baby.
and she still doesnt.
every time he comes over and theyre in OUR room having sex,
she doesnt realize that shes just hurting herself.
and when she tells me that they had sex,
she has this smile on her face
like if shes proud of it
or like shes actually doing something worth bragging about.
shes only 15, and shes had sex, had two pregnancy scares, and ive walked in on her giving him a hand job.
all under the same roof...
the one i live under
like do they not have any respect?
like me?
yeah i can handle it
im not a child
i was forced to grow up quickly,
but my brother!
hes fucking 11
do you know how hard it is fer him?!
first he doesnt know his dad,
he left us when my brother was 5 months old..
i was two, thats the last time ive seen him
my brother needs a father figure,
the closest thing to that is any guys me nd my sister date
but Jesus my sister doesnt understand that!!!
all my sister cares about now
is Stephen.
and dont get my wrong hes funny and
a good friend.
FRIEND
nothing more.
he needs to mature before he tries to settle down.
*****
4 months ago is when my life literally turned upside down
four months ago..
i think it only hit me a few days ago.
it hit me that my sister,
the oldest,
the one whos supposed to tell me everythings okay
nd that no ones gonna hurt me,
and that gives me advice,
finally cracked, cried to me and asked me,
she asked me to tell her everythings okay
and that everything will be fine
nd i had to lie to her
i told her everything was gonna be perfect.
its what she needed to hear at the time.
yesterday,
four months later
i couldnt stand to look at her
or at Stephen as they walked into the house.
they said that my mom gave them permission to go to Stephens friends house
i dun believe that
they walked in about 40 minutes after they left,
said that there was a change in plans
i know they left to go have sex.
before they left the house
alexis changed into basketball shorts and a tee shirt
thats her
"im having sex today"
outfit.
i think ive cleared my mind enough...