Sighh.. -B R I A N N A

So this morning i woke up with 2 missed calls and a text from Martin. the text said to call him as soon as i wake up. i called him. he broke up with me, after he begged me two days ago not to break up with him.

We got into a fight while i was at Galveston with Nilsa. nd i almost broke up with him but i gave him one more chance, nd now today, he breaks up with me. its really weird. im only mad because he swore he didnt. he swore the day before he asked me out, he swore a few days into our "relationship", he swore it Monday Night, and Wednesday night all the way up until Thursday night. then this morning, he breaks up with me cause he loves her.. its really weird. nd like i don't even know if im sad about the break up. like i think deep down i know we wouldn't last because of his feelings for her. im not mad because its what he had to do, but there's this feeling inside. possibly jealously? no not even just regret? i don't know. but like i try explaining to him how i feel but then he replies saying he feels bad nd i don't want him to but he needs to know.. and he says he loves me as a friend and i cant say it back because i don't love him as a friend i love him so much more than that but.. i always say things happen fer a reason, and to think positive. but its really hard when you don't even know how you feel about the situation. i hate lying to people but i have to lie to him. i have to tell him im okay and that i don't mind that he did it and that i want to be his friend but its so... not true. im not okay at all. i hate that he broke up with me. i don't want to be his friend, because i want to be more. i told him i bounce back quickly nd he believes that i don't love him or even like him. if only he knew that i was telling him all that to make him feel better. if only he knew that i wish soo badly i could be more like Lexi.. if only right? if only...

Of course i have this act like wow it doesnt really effect me nd i show that to everyone minus Martin ish.. i still act like im fine but he knwos that im hurt more than anyone.. well i guess anyone who reads this knows too but my point is that i hate having to wear that "mask" for everyone. like i know i dont have to act like i dont care but i do because weakness is stupid to me. like i dont think more than 3 people have seen me cry. nd like my brother, i cant let him know that a guy makes me cry. he hasnt seen me cry in just about 4 years. ever since Fatima died, and even then i tried so hard not to let him see me.

Its really hard texting him cause usually when the convo gets boring one of us would try to make the other blush or say something cute. or just a simple "i love you babe" nd now we cant do that. and every time he texts me and i smile i just remember everything nd then i stop. and my eyes water and its a stupid process.

wanna see something funny? "Haha hmmm ok i'll think about it ok? Hmm i miss saying ily babe ...:(" that's a text from him. i felt like reply "no you don't cause first you didn't mean it and second if you did you wouldn't have broken up with me" instead i ignored the second part and acted as if i didn't see it.. likei know hes only trying to be nice by saying all the things he says like calling himself a jerk saying he feels bad, and saying things like that but it just makes it so much harder fer me..

Hes the first guy to break up with me.. technically. the other two i dont count cause one was more neutral and the other one he ended up asking me back out. anyways so the fact that hes the first, makes it so much harder. like not only did he hurt me, hes the first to. but i dont know like if he knew half the stuff in here things between us would be so different.. possibly awkward. but that could possibly be something i wouls risk jsut to tell him i love him once more...

" I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her "