Melancholy... Part Two - Lauren

Here's part two of my weird mood. I have brother issues. I do. For several different reasons.

ONE. He's kindof a man whore. He flirts and is hit on by every girl (and some guys) in the room, he loves the attention and is always all over them, he has only been broken up with his girlfriend a week and he already has girls lined up doe eyed and pretty begging for his attention. And I loved this girlfriend. She was actually good for him, she made him stop cutting, and his reason for dumping her? She was saying I love you and he wasn't sure he was ready to say it yet, but was anyway, so he couldn't lie anymore, and dumped her. It's Freaking ridiculous. his current main interest (from what we can tell) is a ridiculous girl from scare I can't stand - she's an attention whore and a drama head, and will start shit left and right and I want nothing to do with her.

TWO. He's going down all the wrong paths in his life and people are encouraging him. He's Bi because it's popular and the 'emo' thing to do. He's embracing the sulky dark asshole side of himself that we hate, (He actually refused to do a little favor for dad yesterday because - and I quote - "I'm just an asshole.") and doing things he really shouldn't. I love my brother, but I can't stand him. He won't put his phone down, and when we were putting up the Christmas tree i felt bad that he was all grumpy and wouldn't put his phone down long enough to help me, I told him as such, and he didn't give a shit. I love the holidays, people are happier and nicer, except everyone seems to be going through so much shit this year... I feel like I'm losing my Christmas spirit. Instead of looking at the tree and feeling happy or excited, I look at it and want to cry. I try my damnedest to be there and help people, and keep them happy, and it all seems to amount to nothing. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit about anyone else. It makes me feel like giving up. I don't ask for anything hard, I don't ask to be recognized for all the SHIT I do for my friends and the people I care about, no matter how nice that would be, I don't ask for everyone to love me or to all get along, I just want people to try. Try to be Happy. Try to get along. Try to be decent to each other and (more importantly in a lot of ways) themselves. No one wants to try, and I'm getting seriously tired of pushing.

THREE. I kind of have issues spending time with him, for different reasons than you might think. I go to hang out with my friends, and they always ask where he is, why didn't I bring him, etc. etc. I love that my friends love my brother, but I feel like when he's around... no one even looks twice at me. he's so much more... aggressive in a way with people than i am. he makes people listen to him. I'm quieter. I like people to choose to care about what I say. But the problem is... They don't. I try to participate in a discussion in a group of people and I am always talked over and ignored. No one thinks twice that I might have things to say or that I might want to be heard. but I do. I really do. I feel like my friends would all pick my brother over me in a heartbeat and wouldn't think twice that I might be hurt by it. Plus certain friends are encouraging him down paths I really would like them to NOT encourage him down. giving him a cigarette and then apologizing to me when I couldn't be there anymore and had to wait in the car because "I know where he is in his life and I sympathize" really doesn't cut it. The only way to sympathize with him is to drug him? I don't understand how that is supposed to help him. No one cares how I feel about anything. I hid in the car from the cigarette smoke and the fact that my brother was one of the three producing it, and so they follow me to the car and smoke right next to me. Don't you think there was a reason I was in the car? I wanted away from this shit. I just... I feel like the world around me is going to shit and I don't want to live like this anymore. But I don't have a choice.
I don't know what to do anymore... I need help, but don't know where to look.

are you effing kidding me..? -Brianna

Ever felt like crying but you just couldn't get the tears out? Is that like.. crying on the inside? well it like that right now. for the past 3 days I've wanted to I really did and my eyes got watery and all.. but nothing. Its pissing me off. like one thing that's on my mind a lot lately is Jason, my boyfriend. we didn't kiss at all today but that's not what made me like "wtf" after school is when we usually kiss, but today he just goes "not today" and I go "okay" and just walked off. hes pissing me off a little. like, lately I feel like hes gonna break up with me again so im worried about that cause he makes me happier than any other guy I've gone out with and that says a lot. but anyways so I get the feeling hes going to so I talked to him about it and you'd think that after you talk to them they fix things right? so did I. he didn't. he just made it soo much worse and raised my suspicions. and lately I've been hearing that hes trying to talk to his ex again so I'm just like... ummm what the fuckk. seriously yer gonna talk to HER more than ME?!! #@!$%% bleghh guys are so stupid sometimes I swear. I'm glad I kinda didn't give him my heart fully this time cause I don't need another heart break from him. he hurts me the most nd that's because I love him the most.. ughhhhh its just like super complicated right now nd I don't know what to do.. :'( nd I wish I could talk to either one of my best friends but one isn't allowed to talk to me and the other thinks I'm a whore for getting my first kiss in middle school. my bestestest friend Jesus, cant talk to me cause according to his girlfriend we flirt to much so she made him choose me or her. he chose her. and my other best friend.. well I got my first kiss at the most recent dance and shes calling me a whore now so you know its cool. In times like these I turn to this blog right heree.. so the people I wanna talk to the most I cant talk to them so you know its cool.. anyways today I went to look for my prom/graduation dress.. no luck in the whole store there was like 8 dresses for teens and like 3 of those were okay for a celebration so I'm just like bleghh about itt. I'm trying again tomorrow but still I wish I could just get the dress I want but I don't think I will... but whatever... okay so its taken me like 45 minutes to write this and my eyes just got watery.. but still no tears.. now I'm just getting frustrated... well whateverr I'm gonna go to bed.. try to cry at least once before tonight ends.. good nightt.