just one of those moods..B R I A N N A

this weeks gonna be that one week every so often where like nothing can go right. sound familiar to anyone? it sucks cause.. i dun know im just tired of being "depressed".. im kidding im not depressed. but im far from happy. Martin doesnt make things easy fer me at all, my moms been frustrated lately nd yells at me a lot, nd today both my grandparents are getting surgery.

Martins on my mind 24/7 and it sucks cause i know im not on his. like okay yesterday he explained to me his "list" of girls he likes. 1.Malenie 2.Maria 3.Lexi 4.Me. he said that Malenie moved on, he has no chance with Lexi, nd Maria possibly has a bf i dun know thoughh. so see basically the only girl he has a chance with is me, but some advice my mom gave me? "a MAN never makes a lady wait" nd Ive been debating about thatt, and came to the conclusion that id rather know i wasted time, then gave up an opportunity. does that make sense? i dun knoww. like i told him that yesterday nd the way he answered was just.. weird like i should move on.
maybe i should, itll make it easier on him anyways right?
ughh this is soo debatable nd im soo confused
i love him so much but i dun wanna be put through something so...
pointless
so what ive decided to do is take Isaaxs advice which is something i never thought id do.
like im still debating it *of course* butt
he said to just like stop talking to him so much cause then he wont be so confused about it
buttt knowing Martin he'll think i just stoped liking him
so again
i dun know what to do.
like what i was telling isaac was that if he really "loved me" he wouldnt be effing confused
but then isaac said "you love him right? look how confused you are"
makes sense.
i replied"im not confused about who i love"
then Martin called so we got off the phone.
so i mean we make good points
now the only question is whos right?

Long Distance Hurts - Haley

Ouh.. Yesterday was me and Chaiya's 6th month, and he had told me

"I won't spend it with any other girls, I'll mostly be with Renard, Malcolm,

and Devon"and I find out he was with Tammara as well. Let me tell

you about Tammara. She consistently writes on his facebook, comments

like.. all of his pictures, etc. I don't like this. He says he trusts her and she's

not a skank. Why doesn't he just go out with her then? He says he can't

like her like that, because she's his best friend. But you know, I was his best

friend too, and he got feelings for me then. So how can he not get feelings

for her? Im very weary about my boyfriends with other girls, because

every time that was the case, something happen. And I understand that he's

not that type of guy, but any guy can be that type of guy, and it seems like

he doesn't have a guy friend anymore. Always talking to other girls. The only

guy I talk to anymore is Anthony, and I rarely talk to him. I don't know if

should really bother me that he was with Tammara more then anything, but

he knows it bugs me. Last night he said he was a terrible boyfriend, and I almost

cried. He doesn't know that though. I think he does like her. And again, I feel

like he's replacing me. :/ Eh, we're going to end up talking about all of this

tonight, if he has time to talk to me. Bye Bye for now

- ._. Haley

Sighh.. -B R I A N N A

So this morning i woke up with 2 missed calls and a text from Martin. the text said to call him as soon as i wake up. i called him. he broke up with me, after he begged me two days ago not to break up with him.

We got into a fight while i was at Galveston with Nilsa. nd i almost broke up with him but i gave him one more chance, nd now today, he breaks up with me. its really weird. im only mad because he swore he didnt. he swore the day before he asked me out, he swore a few days into our "relationship", he swore it Monday Night, and Wednesday night all the way up until Thursday night. then this morning, he breaks up with me cause he loves her.. its really weird. nd like i don't even know if im sad about the break up. like i think deep down i know we wouldn't last because of his feelings for her. im not mad because its what he had to do, but there's this feeling inside. possibly jealously? no not even just regret? i don't know. but like i try explaining to him how i feel but then he replies saying he feels bad nd i don't want him to but he needs to know.. and he says he loves me as a friend and i cant say it back because i don't love him as a friend i love him so much more than that but.. i always say things happen fer a reason, and to think positive. but its really hard when you don't even know how you feel about the situation. i hate lying to people but i have to lie to him. i have to tell him im okay and that i don't mind that he did it and that i want to be his friend but its so... not true. im not okay at all. i hate that he broke up with me. i don't want to be his friend, because i want to be more. i told him i bounce back quickly nd he believes that i don't love him or even like him. if only he knew that i was telling him all that to make him feel better. if only he knew that i wish soo badly i could be more like Lexi.. if only right? if only...

Of course i have this act like wow it doesnt really effect me nd i show that to everyone minus Martin ish.. i still act like im fine but he knwos that im hurt more than anyone.. well i guess anyone who reads this knows too but my point is that i hate having to wear that "mask" for everyone. like i know i dont have to act like i dont care but i do because weakness is stupid to me. like i dont think more than 3 people have seen me cry. nd like my brother, i cant let him know that a guy makes me cry. he hasnt seen me cry in just about 4 years. ever since Fatima died, and even then i tried so hard not to let him see me.

Its really hard texting him cause usually when the convo gets boring one of us would try to make the other blush or say something cute. or just a simple "i love you babe" nd now we cant do that. and every time he texts me and i smile i just remember everything nd then i stop. and my eyes water and its a stupid process.

wanna see something funny? "Haha hmmm ok i'll think about it ok? Hmm i miss saying ily babe ...:(" that's a text from him. i felt like reply "no you don't cause first you didn't mean it and second if you did you wouldn't have broken up with me" instead i ignored the second part and acted as if i didn't see it.. likei know hes only trying to be nice by saying all the things he says like calling himself a jerk saying he feels bad, and saying things like that but it just makes it so much harder fer me..

Hes the first guy to break up with me.. technically. the other two i dont count cause one was more neutral and the other one he ended up asking me back out. anyways so the fact that hes the first, makes it so much harder. like not only did he hurt me, hes the first to. but i dont know like if he knew half the stuff in here things between us would be so different.. possibly awkward. but that could possibly be something i wouls risk jsut to tell him i love him once more...

" I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserverd
I guess I should've been more like her "

Dreams? - Lauren

just had a really interesting dream that clearly demonstrates I've been watching far too much shoujo (girly) anime lately. O.o It was like my life as a shoujo, and it was... interesting. there was a lot of unneeded crying, and everything revolved around being in love with someone and the troubles that surrounded it. It was very strange because it would go from being completely real like a movie, to seeming like it had a layer of animation over it when the 'characters' would make weird faces. It was silly... But... I didn't want to wake up. I wondered if it wouldn't be so bad to live like this, to love and be loved and just be happy with that. But then I woke up, it faded away, and I'm back to being me.
I miss it, just a bit.

Life, For now - Lauren

So on Monday I went to Highland mall with Nilsa and Francesca, it was supposed to be a reunion of camp people... But the boys never showed up, so it was a girl's reunion. It was a lot of fun, a bit strange in the conversation flow, we would go from high pitched obnoxious laughter that chased everyone away from our awesomeness, to really deep important conversations. And it would fluctuate like that all day. P= The girls made me get my first casual dress since I was little (purplish pink and blackins gray tye-dye with a waistband in the middle - sale 7 bucks. XD), and my first pair of skinny jeans (white with gray kinda zebra stripes, but not really, and carefully planned rips - sale for 10 bucks lol.) I liked them both, but they insisted. XD Nilsa even said about the pants when I had tried them on with another shirt that the reason I hadn't gotten a date yet was because I didn't have that outfit. XD I didn't get the shirt, I firmly believe I need to be skinnier before I wear something that tight. =X but it was a fun day. Then instead of the movie we had planned on we retired to Nilsa's house, and we watched Ponyo which is an adorable movie. Then we were sad cuz Francesca went home, and she's moving to florida in a couple of days, and it's sad. Y-Y I ended up spending the night cuz by the time i got ahold of my dad it was late and he didn't want to get me, so I slept over and we had a strange semi-photoshoot cuz we felt like it. That was my first sleepover with Nilsa, and my first this summer. XD It was really fun, I had a great time.

Do you know that feeling where you know bad things happen in the world. They exist, you read stories about them. But... Until it happens to someone you know it never really sinks in how awful they are. I was in a weird mood all day yesterday because it was sinking in. Now nothing actually happened to my friend, but almost, and it's pretty damn scary to think about.

And now my dad just found a bag of my mothers makeup, (he asked me to take what I wanted and throw the rest away) and is clearly going to be in a weird mood all day and I still haven't gotten up the guts to increase his stress level even higher and tell him i found out my brother's sneaking out at night to go see his secret girlfriend... What am I to do..? =(

last night...-Brianna

was very... debatable. i had so much fun with both Nilsa and Martin. but i have a huge feeling Riley didn't even try to go, and Martin was on the phone with Lexi, and doesn't trust me with his phone.

We went to Austin park and pizza. that's basically a teenagers heaven especially if you go with the right people. i myself am the stay at home and just hang out kind, but still i think i speak fer the three of us when i say it was a blastt!

okay so Riley. Nilsas boyfriend. he kinda isn't a good boyfriend, but he does his best nd that's all a girl asks right? well yesterday nilsa invited him to apap *Austin park and pizza** and he said he'll try to go. knowing him and knowing his parents, i don't think he tried. but i mean who knows. i know it would've been soo much fun with him fer nilsa.

Martin martin martin... Hes MY boyfriend. yesterday was the first time we've seen each other in two weeks, and the first time we've seen each other as a couple. isnt it kinda like "duhh" to stay off the phone on dates? i i thought it was. but he was texting the whole time so i pulled out my phone too. then he called one of my best friends alexis *aka lexi** he was on the phone with her fer a good thirty minutes. granted, we were just eating, but still thats thirty minutes he couldve been talking to me. so of course i got mad. it was hard fer me to hide it because my eyes would start to water a little. while still on the phone, he grabs my hand gently and asks whats wrong. i said nothing. hes not stupid. he knew there was something bothering me. i told him it was nothing so then he got mad that i wouldnt tell him and i got mad about him gettin mad. it was just a cycle.

Then there were times where i was the happiest person in the world. like when we first got there, we sat down in a booth and he sat against the wall and he pulled me close to him, his arm around my wait, holding my hand with the other one. and then after that little fight he pulled me closer again, and i put my head against his chest *he smelled amaaazingg** and i could he his heart beat and it was like something out of a movie. He had his first kiss with me yesterday and honestly im surprised im his first :) although there is a down side to thatt, hes kinda aggressive about kissing, but he'll learn :) one of the times we played Lazar tag it was just me him and Nilsa, and we played fer the first 3 seconds, then starting making out xD we sat on the floor, then i sat on his lap and although it sounds really slutty, it was amazing!.. or maybe that just means im a slut...

So the last game of Lazar tag we played, was just me and him... and his two brotehrs and dad whoe dont know about us going out. we managed two kisses in there. one was rough cause it was wquick, nd the other was suuuper gentel then i pulled away cause i thought his little brother was coming.. i was right. it was the last one i got, but i loved it so much

all in all last night was amazing

Ohmagod... -Brianna

I sware... my sister is something... "special." ughh shes so frickin stupid. she goes to bed at like one in the morning, and doesnt wake up til about noon. i go to bed at like four, and im up by 9:30 at the latest. so today my aunt calls looking fer my moms number. i knew it but i fergot it since now all i do is just text her. anyways so i wake my sister up asking her to give it to my aunt,and she tells me to go away, then i ask her to just give it to me, (the same thing shed be doing if she gave it to my aunt) so she does, i get off the phone with my aunt, and then i remember, "i thought there was an extension?" her response? "well you didnt wait long enough to let me give it to you" uhh, no. yes i did, its just that yer stupid ass fergot! ughhh she really annoys me. like with everything she does. either, ive got a bad case of hormones, or shes changed in a very bad wayy..