this is not okay... - B R I A N N A

Okay so i know ive been posting a lot
especially about guys.
but this one
this isnt about a guy at all
well okay sorta
but its his fault!
if i wouldnt have ever met him
none of this would be happening!!
hes stupid
he dosent see what hes doing to me
to me, or to my brother or mom
or even to my sister!!
he's blind as hell
and shes right behind him.
why is it so hard to see things
that are right in front of your face?!
its not hard at all!!
*******
yesterday was exactly 4 months since the pregnancy scare
4 months ago.
im still in shock that that could happen
it goes against everything i say
everything i do
and yet,
it happened.
why couldnt i be the older sister?
if i was the older one,
id be her role model,
she'd look up to me because shed know that i was always doing the right thing
she wouldnt have to worry about
me sneaking out,
and worrying where im at
or who im with,
or better yet if im catching any STD's .
She'd know that any marks on my shoulder
are burns, and not just an excuse to say she hurt me.
she'd know that the right thing to do,
is wait til yer actually IN love.
to wait until youre mature
and know right from wrong,
and know all the possibilities of having sex in the first place.
she didnt realize that with loosing her virginity,
came the possibility of a baby.
and she still doesnt.
every time he comes over and theyre in OUR room having sex,
she doesnt realize that shes just hurting herself.
and when she tells me that they had sex,
she has this smile on her face
like if shes proud of it
or like shes actually doing something worth bragging about.
shes only 15, and shes had sex, had two pregnancy scares, and ive walked in on her giving him a hand job.
all under the same roof...
the one i live under
like do they not have any respect?
like me?
yeah i can handle it
im not a child
i was forced to grow up quickly,
but my brother!
hes fucking 11
do you know how hard it is fer him?!
first he doesnt know his dad,
he left us when my brother was 5 months old..
i was two, thats the last time ive seen him
my brother needs a father figure,
the closest thing to that is any guys me nd my sister date
but Jesus my sister doesnt understand that!!!
all my sister cares about now
is Stephen.
and dont get my wrong hes funny and
a good friend.
FRIEND
nothing more.
he needs to mature before he tries to settle down.
*****
4 months ago is when my life literally turned upside down
four months ago..
i think it only hit me a few days ago.
it hit me that my sister,
the oldest,
the one whos supposed to tell me everythings okay
nd that no ones gonna hurt me,
and that gives me advice,
finally cracked, cried to me and asked me,
she asked me to tell her everythings okay
and that everything will be fine
nd i had to lie to her
i told her everything was gonna be perfect.
its what she needed to hear at the time.
yesterday,
four months later
i couldnt stand to look at her
or at Stephen as they walked into the house.
they said that my mom gave them permission to go to Stephens friends house
i dun believe that
they walked in about 40 minutes after they left,
said that there was a change in plans
i know they left to go have sex.
before they left the house
alexis changed into basketball shorts and a tee shirt
thats her
"im having sex today"
outfit.
i think ive cleared my mind enough...

I hate to add to the mayhem, but: -Nilsa

I know that everyone's been posting about guys, and I hate to add to it, but I'm seriously confused. I'm still going out with Riley. However, I made a deal with Brianna that if he doesn't call me by Saturday, (a week since I confronted him via Facebook) I'll dump him. The thing is, I really do like him, and I think he's getting better. What's true though, is that he's not getting better fast enough. Is it really that hard to call me, just once a week or so? All the while I'm just trying to get over someone else, someone that maybe wouldn't even know I was talking about him if he read this. Someone who is literally just a friend, and I don't even want to date. If anyone could make me happy, it's Riley. Just with more effort.
He's got 3 more days.

Weird... O.o - Lauren

I'm sitting in my room listening to the people in the other room rant about my mother. Dan dropped by to say Hi, so the boys (Dad, uncle bryan, Jim (brother), and Dan) are catching up, and that involves a lot of the same conversations about my mother. The funny part is, I've had very similar exchanges with a few people, including Nilsa. What brings this up, is that the mother I haven't seen since September who didn't even bother to tell me she was getting re-married joined facebook and friended some of my dad's friends, so of course he saw her wedding picture on there, and he's been all weird about it since. But ya know. Same ol, Same ol. The only thing that really bugs me is that I have a lot of stuff set to friends and networks, and we have some mutual friends, so she's part of networks. It creeps me out to think of her going through all my photos and statuses. It's not below her, she's showed up at my choir concerts without warning and then snuck back out again without a word at the end. It's bizzare.

On another note... I went to the pool with my friend yesterday, I was on facebook chat and I just got a chat from him saying he wanted to go to the pool, and didn't like going public places alone cuz it seems sad, so I went swimming with him, and the moment I said I was going out Dad and Jim were both like where're you going who're you going with etc etc, which was fine until they both decided to ask favors. Dad wanted a ride to the store cuz our car is in the shop, and Jim wanted to go with us cuz Brandon wouldn't take him to the pool. I told dad I didn't really want to ask him favors, and when I resignedly said Jim wanted to go he said No. XD It was pretty funny. But dad, after I asked about Jim and he was begging me to make him let Jim go, Dad just said "Jim... A cute boy asked Lauren to go to the pool with him, we'll hang out, it'll be fine." I denied, He's got a girlfriend, and JIm was like "Yeah, he's not her type anyways." I was like... Whaaat? I have a type? and if I did, how the hellz would you know about it? But yeah. So we went to the pool, we hung out, I discovered that it is possible to cut yourself with half a foam football, it was fun. ^_^ Then he took me home, we wandered around my house for a bit, he didn't really want to return home cuz he's grounded, his parents let him go to the pool cuz it's exercise. But he left eventually, and when he did dad muted his game, looked over at me, and was like. "Lauren, I'm not saying he's an awful person who would cheat on his girlfriend or anything, but... He likes you. At least, that's the signals he's giving off." and he rambled a bit, I went back to my room, took a shower, and damn him but I couldn't stop thinking about it. X.X I dunno how that works, He has a girlfriend, he liked another friend of ours, but that didn't work out, they are both pretty, skinny, tan, not really at all like me. =P I dunno, stupid mental block that won't believe anything like that. Happened last time too. Montanna got all mad at me. =/ But yeah. So I dunno what's going on or if dad's right, but it's a nice thought I suppose. Also, he left his key in my bag, and still has yet to come back and get it. P=

Well... That's my update for ya. I'm really bored sitting here at home, but OMG I can't wait for Potter Camp. *heart* this should be so fun. =3 i'm really excited for it, I'm staying at Nilsa's, a week out of thr house with somebody so awesome is gonna be great. XD I love my family... But living with three very high-strung guys get a liiiiiittle crazy and grating sometimes. V.V But hey. Week and a half!

I'm out!
~~Lauren~~

what can i say? - B R I A N N A

i dont mean to brag
but
im basically the best person on earth
im serious
sometimes im surprised that im not nominated fer person of the year
no okay im kidding about that
but really.
how many people do you know can take care of 2 dogs
one thats sick
and one thats only a puppy
an 11 year old boy
a fifteen year old with her 18 year old boyfriend
and can help one of her best friends with whats going on in life
all in one day
and
at the age of 13
?
not many that i know of.
i mean of course i dont mind doing it
i like keeping myself busy
i do this once a week while my mom goes to College
i mean my moms got so much on her plate
i dunt mind playing mommy for one night a week
besides its just 3 more times
then she starts online classes
My mom always told me as a little girl,
id make my brother play with me
id make him my son,
get him ready fer school,
then id play the teacher
and on some days we'd go on an
Adventure
around the house.
sighh
today was my Reminiscing day
Old notes,
pictures
songs
friends
posts, comments
crushes
the works
its insane how much changes in a year, right?
everyone knows that
know just think back to 4th grade
look how different you are
isnt it weird
like its almost weird to think that its the same person
...
but thats just the thing.
were not the same people.
were different and i bet that if we were to stay the same..
well if i were to stay the same, i wouldnt be writing here
id be out doing something else
...
so..
my friends seem to be finding great guys
like outta nowhere
Lexi was set up on a blind date nd from what i hear
he seems great!
Nilsas got ben,
and to lean on shes got her Mc boy
from art class
and then theres me,
recently dumped fer the first time
ruining my perfect streak
with no one to back me up.
does that sound...
pathetic?
yeah that was a stupid question it is VERY pathetic.
but anyways i mean
when the times right
i'll meet a guy whos as good as they get
and hey like i said
its summer
nd i dun need a man :)
but hey who knows what can happen?
we've still got about a month nd a half til school :)
we'll just see :)
So
today i was helping Martin with some stuff thats going on
i had no problem putting aside how i felt to help him
i think i deserve a pat on the back
but it wasnt really that hard
i guess i just care enough for him
but..
i dun know.
...........................
*Brianna**

my second post today-B R I A N NA

so obviously there's a lot on my mind fer this to be my second post today.
things have gotten better since this morning,
and then not so much
Mia's home, and doing fine.
i mean she just lays next to me all day
its really cute she hasn't left my side all day..
until now.
but still.
The vet said she just needs rest
which is understandable
Bella makes her run around to muchh
ha.
My house has been pretty stressful lately..
or maybe its just me.
i feel like lately,
ive been getting yelled at more than usual,
for things that arent my fault
like
me and my mom just arent seeing eye to eye
not that we ever do
just lately its harder getting along
nd it sucks cause my brothers always in the middle of everything
he's 11 i hate giving him so much pressure
but its like hes the one i run to
i know i have Lexi, Nilsa, Shelby, Haley, and Mileena
behind me 100% but its just easier to go to my brother
and when i tell anyone else whats wrong with me
i feel like im asking fer their pity
like if i tell Isaac or Martin small things
like my dad, ive never gone into detail with either one of them,
about that
not that i dont want to, just simply
that i dont want them feeling bad for me
my girl friends i dont really mind because well..
its easier talking to girls
and i dun know.
i realized i dont tell guys about me.
i tel them simply whats on the surface..
such as, i love my brown eyes
but ive never told them that i had a SLIGHT pill
problem that ended as soon as i took the last one in the bottle
its just easier keeping it to myself and my girls
i mean i trust Martin with things like that
but i dun know i feel that if he knew things like that
about me, hed feel like he needs to take care of me,
and same with Isaac..
...
you know its funny.
both of them did the same thing when i brought up my dad once
isaac said "you know thats the first time ive heard you talk about him, whys that"
martin said "your dad, i have a question about him, why dont you talk about him?"
i love how niether of them asked, until i brought it up.
it made it kinda easier to tell them,
like now its because theyre curious
not because they want a sob story
make sense?
but anyways
so recently ive been debating weather to wait fer martin or not
nd just now,
that ive had time to let me think
and think about the things i miss
and how much he means to me
i know that im not gonna pass up the chance
to keep him in my life
weather it be as my boyfriend,
or simply just a best friend that i can go to
when i need to.
hes a great guy,
he has flaws and
he means so much to me.
like i said i dont even care if we jsut stay friends
ive realized that i dont need a boyfriend,
theyre nice to have,
but theyre not needed.
i mean duh ill do what ever it takes to be with him,
but i mean things happen fer a reason and hey,
ive learned my lesson :)
so point is,
I'll make an exception and wait.

here we go again... -B R I A N N A

im wearing that mask again.
for the same reason and then
other reasons.
My amazingly annoying dog that i love with every bone in my body
Mia
is at the vet
her nose is uberly wet,
shes limping
and no one knows why
if i lose her, then...
i dun wanna think about what id do without her
then of course theres Martin
were really close friends nd i love it
were calling each other babe
and saying i love you
but now that weve gone out and broken up,
its different
and maybe thats why he still wants to do it,
who knows
but im not getting my hopes up at all this timee...

just one of those moods..B R I A N N A

this weeks gonna be that one week every so often where like nothing can go right. sound familiar to anyone? it sucks cause.. i dun know im just tired of being "depressed".. im kidding im not depressed. but im far from happy. Martin doesnt make things easy fer me at all, my moms been frustrated lately nd yells at me a lot, nd today both my grandparents are getting surgery.

Martins on my mind 24/7 and it sucks cause i know im not on his. like okay yesterday he explained to me his "list" of girls he likes. 1.Malenie 2.Maria 3.Lexi 4.Me. he said that Malenie moved on, he has no chance with Lexi, nd Maria possibly has a bf i dun know thoughh. so see basically the only girl he has a chance with is me, but some advice my mom gave me? "a MAN never makes a lady wait" nd Ive been debating about thatt, and came to the conclusion that id rather know i wasted time, then gave up an opportunity. does that make sense? i dun knoww. like i told him that yesterday nd the way he answered was just.. weird like i should move on.
maybe i should, itll make it easier on him anyways right?
ughh this is soo debatable nd im soo confused
i love him so much but i dun wanna be put through something so...
pointless
so what ive decided to do is take Isaaxs advice which is something i never thought id do.
like im still debating it *of course* butt
he said to just like stop talking to him so much cause then he wont be so confused about it
buttt knowing Martin he'll think i just stoped liking him
so again
i dun know what to do.
like what i was telling isaac was that if he really "loved me" he wouldnt be effing confused
but then isaac said "you love him right? look how confused you are"
makes sense.
i replied"im not confused about who i love"
then Martin called so we got off the phone.
so i mean we make good points
now the only question is whos right?