Happy - Lauren

Wow…. SO I haven’t posted on here since March 8^th. That’s insane.

So much has changed in those two months…

I am very proud to say that I am actually happy.

I spent so long with nothing in my life that made me truly happy, and now I have it.

Chamber is amazing; we’re finally like our own little family. I love it, and being in Acapella, I really am a Choir kid at heart :) I auditioned for a spring show solo today; I think it went well actually, I’m nervous. ><;;  Our spring show (And my last concert) is on Tuesday… I’m going to cry my eyes out, I’m so sad it’s over…

I’m graduating in three weeks. That’s some scary shit. I know I have to take at least a year off to work because I have to start from Zero. I’m supposedly moving out after Christmas, I was going to move out in July but plans fell through….

I am no longer friends with Montanna. We got into an Enormous fight, I started it because I was pissed off that I found out she and mike are engaged, after she swore to me they were broken up, and that I found out through Courtney because she didn’t have the guts to tell me. She turned it on me and accused me of spreading rumors and said all sorts of nasty shit about me. She apologized over Facebook after the fight, but I told her that I accepted the apology and apologized as well, but some of the stuff she said really hurt me and we’d have to work on that whole trust thing, and she never even bothered to respond. So I’m done. She was here one day because she and Jim still hang out, but it was really awkward. We were nice and all, but I know now that someone who can so easily believe those things about me probably isn’t someone I need to be spending all that much time with. I’m pretty comfortable with it, I mean… I wish it didn’t have to be like this but after someone breaks my trust it’s really hard to get it back again…

But I AM probably moving in with Shea, Rowan, and Dylan. :) I’m totally happy with that, I think the four of us would work really well together ^^

Shea and Jenny aren’t speaking, for real this time. Jenny brought Shea’s ex to prom, and Shea flipped. It was the last straw; they’d been at each other for weeks. Shea kicked her out.

Kira and I are talking again. We’re actually vaguely friends again ^^;; I didn’t think that would happen, but in light of more recent real fights I realized the reasons I wasn’t friends with her for were silly. I mean, they were more important at the time, but it’s been so long… And really, there wasn’t any reason to be mad anymore. She’s changed too, she matured. She found someone she’s actually really happy with and he’s a great guy and its done wonders for her :) She, JB (her bf), Shea and I went to prom together; It was a lot of fun once we got past Jenny screaming her head off at Shea in the middle of it. ><;;

John and I are on four months this coming Tuesday; He makes me so happy it’s not even funny. <3 It feels so much longer than that, but it’s only been four months… I really do love him. ;) I’m slowly getting over all the issues that built up in me over the past 18 years of being single and thinking I wasn’t worth anything… I’m getting past it, and every day that goes by I get better and better at believing that I am. Better and better at being happy.

I haven’t talked to Sam much, but we’re making some progress. I’ve decided to (at least on Fb) call her Spaz, because I just get so confused with Sam/Spencer/He/She, and her Fb name is Spencer ‘Spaz’ Sanders. P: So, I’m really trying to accommodate what Spaz wants. I’ve recently realized that it’s kindof like Spaz is the Brother I don’t talk to very often. Shea is my best friend, and I am hers as she recently told me, and I am completely happy with that. I wish I talked to Sam a little more, but as I get happier I get better at accepting things in my life I can’t really change.

I’m writing a book. It is really sad, but I’m honestly loving it. I got it from a dream I had, and I’m just working on writing it out. I’m a good 15 typed pages in, and I’ve written the end already.  It’ll take work, but I have time :)

So, I am happy. I still have problems, but it just seems so much easier to deal with them now.

I’m just….. Happy. :)

Life after School... - Lauren

I really have very little idea what to do with my life after school. At least some college at ACC sounds about right for me, a job, a car, but I have no idea how to go about any of this... and the only two people who have offered to help are my counselor who is super busy and spend a good 45 minutes last time I was in there complaining at me for my lack of direction and the fact that I haven't taken the SAT or anything... And The second... I just got a facebook message from none other than Amanda telling me how important college and a job is, and that she's willing to help me out if i need it.

I really don't understand why no one I would accept help from has offered, and one of maybe three or four people who I would turn it down from has offered... I'm honestly... Gah... If it was anyone else... But I really just can't stand to be around her anymore... She wore the shirt i made her this time last year today, and it honestly unsettled me. That solid reminder of what we used to be... and kindof the day I stopped liking her... I gave it to her as a valentines present since my brother had just dumped her and i figured she wouldn't have a valentine, but she had all this crap from Anysa that day as valentines presents... And I was rather put off. Seeing it again... Kinda sucked. I miss being friends with her, but not her as she is now. Her as she was. See when we were at the college fair she had won this giant seton medical clinic t-shirt, and gave it to me to fix up into something fun for her. I basically shredded the back and tied the ends, and sewed a felt wolf on the back above it (her nickname was wolfie) and had all of our friends sign the front or doodle something. that testament to how our friendship was... I miss it. But I just can't look at her without feeling like crap for believing it for so long.

I can't wait till I'm out of there. so much shit I won't have to deal with anymore... I just wish I knew what shit I will have to deal with... >< Stupid real life not having a rule book. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. Everyone seems to know but me...

Soooo- Brianna

I talked to Malenie today
like fer the firs ttime since like the 1st week of school
but i dont mean
"hey how do you like school?"
i mean like
"hey so whats going on with us?"
it was really short cause we didnt really have anything to talk about
because really, nothing happened with us
and i mean what happened between her and martin,
is their business
not mine.
i just thought id talk to her about certain things.
but like after that talk we were like close
like as if weve been hanging out the whole school year
when it was only a day
shes really really cool
like i didnt expect her to be this cool
and i thought itd be weird between us
but honestly,
its just something that like all day we joked about
likei mean not what happened
but like how some how,
all this shit got us closer.
usually it tears people apart,
but..
i dunt know.
but yeah shes really cool nd im glad im getting to know her(:
like i said, this year is different fer me already,
so i mean all im gonna do is take it step by step,
day by day
go with the flow,
whatever you wanna say.
just gonna let things fall into place fer me,
if i see that theyre going in the wrong direction.
then ill do something about it
but fer now all i can say is
I Love High School(:
plus im actually getting guys today ;)
in fact 2nd period i felt like i was getting raped :/
stupid seth and paco..
i dont know.,
like its weird.
8th grade i thought i was happy
but i really wasnt
like yeah i had boyfriends and good grades and cool friends
but i just wasnt happy
at new tech,
even the days when im crying and feeling sick
and bloating and cramping and on my perioddd,
my days havent turned out bad so far
so this year my lifes turning around in a good way
and i lvoe it(:
i can finally Say:
Im Happy
\ive had boyfriends, ive gotten new friends, i have good grades,
like i mean in high school thats all that matters, and i have it all (:
oky so back to how awesoem my new best friend is :P haha
like my mom said i can invite one friend to Hutto
i thought about nilsa but shes doing her party
and i dun wanna invite lexi or mileena or fah
cause theyre going to her party
*i think**
soo i was thinking of inviting Malenie but
i dunt know like it seems to soon
if that maes sence.
haha
like with a boyfriend you dont go out on a dtae a week after you get together
with friends they dont hang out til like at elast a week
but i mean idkk were getting like kinda close quickly
so we'll see how the week goes
and just take it from there(:

Last First Day - Lauren

So today was the first day of my senior year, my last first day of high school ever. Kinda sad really. =( But... While Everyone was on Facebook complaining, and I was being all excited, seems like everyone had awesome first days but me. Mine kinda sorta sucked. First off there was no one in really any classes to talk to. Personal fitness, Economics (Only had Elyssa, who was awesome freshman year but has turned into a bit of an obnoxious prep dragonette since then. ><), and Pre-Cal - To which I was late because Kira Marlena Shea and I went to Sonic for lunch to experience seniors going off campus and such, but They are slow and don't care for being on time like me (And Shea has an off period. P= yeah... lol) so they stalled getting back and I eventually just left and was still late because the evil (But totally awesome and surprisingly comfy - for short periods of time) heels I was wearing were murdering my feet and I was limping along the hot as hell road. Doesn't help that I felt awful for being late the first day but he managed to embarass me in front of the whole class too. Awesome. That class? Contains Nik, who is Shea's Ex Boyfriend who she's only recently friends with again, with whom I share a Mutual distaste. I don't like him, and he knows it. He's a douche stoner kid who has been arrested more than once for posession and likes to mess with me, and he and Lauren Nicole spread nasty rumors about Shea after Shea and Nik broke up and Lauren Nicole started dating him. ><

Chamber was the only bright spot of my day. Chamber is a small, additional choir of only 12 girls that I got into as a backup for a girl who had to drop, and I am super excited, it's funny... the girls in there never talk to me normally, at least not last year, but it seems like the moment I got into chamber everything changed. Like it was admission to some secret club and once I'm in Megan, who I haven't talked to since freshman year, is smiling and waving and not studiously ignoring me, adding me on facebook, it's just like... Woah. It looks like it's gonna be awesome too, Fish (Dr. Tod Fish, my choir teacher - Tod means Dead in German. Yeah. Dr. Dead Fish. XD) wants to do stuff like sing at the old people home (as Lauren G. likes to call it) and have us all memorize solo numbers and all that fun stuff... I'm so excited.

I'm really frustrated though, because I'm supposed to be in Acapella, which is the highest level concert choir (and Mixed), but I'm in Kantori (The mid-level all girls choir) again, because my ASL 3 class is the same period as ASL >.> I hate it, because I have to pick between my two favorite classes... Choir and ASL. I don't want to, but I think I have to Drop ASL because I've been looking forward so much to being in Acap, the people are amazing, it's a mixed choir again, I just... I have been so excited and now I have to pick =(

Hoping my second day is better, my first B day. ^_^;;
Wish me luck!

things happen fer a reason- Brianna

so today was the first day of
HIGH SCHOOL !!
it was amazing !!
first, my Schedule is
thee exact same as Martin
all 5 classes plus that hour of lunch
i have with him.
like today we didnt leave each others sides.
except fer after lunch.
but i dont mind cause its like
i dont want him to be bored around me all day
so when hes with his friends of course im gonna back off
nd all thatt
anyways,
in spanish,
i sat next to Martin nd like always
i pretended to get mad over a stupid thing
its like our game that we always play
anyways during class he snuck a kiss on the cheek
and a short little make out.
and in a few classes he whispered "i love you" a couple times
nd thoughs things,
every single time, hed do one of them.
gave me butterflies.
bitterflies that went crazy and tried to get out of my tummy
but couldnt
it was suuuch an amazing day. i dont think today couldve been any better..
i take that back,
i didnt get to give martin his surprise
nd i didnt get mine,
but hopefully tomorrow !!
i guess i just have to wait(:
*after lunch we go into the courtyard... without teachers(:*

School! - Lauren

So most of my friends are complaining about going back to school. It's the usual, 'where did my summer go?' 'I wish school would never come' etc. etc. But I, on the other hand, CANNOT wait for school to start again. There's the obvious reasons of seeing my friends every day, but I actually -like- school, maybe I'm a dork, but I do. I like having somewhere to go every day and know exactly what you're doing, who you're seeing, what you're doing, that kind of consistency is nice. I like it. I mean, there's lame stuff, Like I have to take two semester long PE Classes because Freshman year my Personal Fitness credit didn't count because I started late, and that sucks, plus after that I need another half credit to graduate so I'm taking Individual Sports, which at elast promises to be better than Team Sports, I'm not much of a Team Sports person, I don't much like sports in the first place, let alone with people who would refuse to talk to me even if I wanted to talk to them. I wear a bit of black, not exactly their favorite kind of person. ^_^;;
BUT On the good Side I get to take two choirs! Singing seriously is my life, In a dream world the thing I've always wanted more than anything is to be able to make my living singing, but I know that's not exactly realistic. But the fact that Dr. Fish (My choir teacher. That's right. Dr. Fish. XD) thinks I'm good enough to be in both the highest level Mixed varsity choir, and the 12 girl Chamber Choir is just amazing. =D
My senior year promises to be interesting at least. ^_^
GO ROCK! CLASS OF 2011!
...lol. School Spirit. I don't have it. XD

The Drama Llama strikes again... - Lauren

School doesn't even start for another two weeks and the Drama Llama is already back.
When I woke up this morning I checked my Facebook, and was Chatted by Joe. that's fine, Then I opened up my friend requests and saw one from one Lyn Adams, an Ex-Friend who 'dated' my brother for a while, and who I'd gotten into a huge fight with and she'd never even bothered to respond after my second message. There was no message, no nothing, but just a friend request. As though she expected everything to just be ok. It's not. Her, Amanda and Anysa have done so much shit to me and my friends... I can't just accept them back like that with all the lies and drama and pain they've caused in the group. I just can't. Not unless one has really changed and can prove it, but as I know well now they are all really good liars... So Joe and I got into this huge talk about her and everything, and shizz... then I was looking at my feed when I ran across a post from Stephen (friend of Amanda and ex-boyfriend of Lyn) saying hoe much he hated Jim and how he wanted to kill him, I asked him to message me if it was the Jim I was thinking of, and he messaged me. Apparently Jim has been trying to get back with Amanda, and Amanda had come crying to him about it. First off let me explain that i trust none of these people except maybe Stephen, because while he's violent and angry, I don't take him as a Liar. Then All of a sudden I saw my brother's face in my window. Well that was just like WTF, so I waited till a stopping place in my conversations, then headed to the door. See Jim is usually on the porch talking to Kelsi, and that was completely who I expected to see sitting in the chair, but... It was Lyn. It was really awkward for a second, then I went back in as fast as I could, and told Joe what happened. I don't know what to believe, but I had promised Sammie that I wouldn't meddle, she made me promise after the last time I found something out. She's convinced that in wanting to protect Jim I'm going to make it worse. So I sent her a message. I told her the whole story I'd heard and seen, and said since I wasn't allowed to do something I'd at least tell her. She didn't comment, just said that she wanted Amanda's number, saying she'd stop this once and for all, and requested that I tell stephen if he hurts a hair on Jim's head she'd beat the crap out him basically. Then I was talking to Shea, she wanted to know what was wrong and know about the drama I'd posted about, and I told her... Then SHE started to get upset, and when I asked why she reminded me Jim and Stephen were both listed as Attending to her birthday party. Well after she talked to Stephen he Promised he wouldn't do anything as his present to her. If Jim started something he wouldn't let it be, but he wouldn't instigate. but now Shea thinks she wants to un-invite Jim... I can't really talk her out because he deserves what he gets for lying to her (which is why she doesn't want him there, he told her he was completely done with Amanda) but I don't want to have to deal with him once she tells him... I told her to talk to him and see what happens from there. Then after much deliberation I sent the number to Sam, if anything happened to make it worse it was my fault for asking Sam, and I'd have to deal with it...

I hate all this drama. Every last scrap. I want it to die. I want these people out of my life, I want my brother to stop being a stupid emo kid, I want Amanda to be the person she was before all this shizz... She used to be sane, and good. I loved her, but now... She's made of Lies and Deceit. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't know what to do anymore, I hope I did the right thing....

I was ready for Drama once school started... I wasn't ready for this yet. :(

Everythings going down hill.-Brianna

things are so
bad
everythings wrong
its not supposed to be like this
were supposed to be friends
everythings supposed to be at least okay
but no.
its all wrong
today i started thinking about my dad.
partially because of nilsas post
but mostly because i told someone a secret about him
when i was supposed to move with him to Arizona
i ended up staying.
not because i didnt want to,
or it was too much,
or even because my mom convinced me to stay
but because he didnt want me to..
it hurt me so much when he told me up front
"i cant have kids ruining my life, even if they are mine"
i've never admitted to myself how much it hurt me until now.
until today.
until i realized how much guys tend to hurt me.
like i find it horrible that my dad doesnt know a single thing about me.
from the smallest things like
my favorite color,
or what i wanna be when i grow up
to the big stuff like
my age.
he doesnt remember how old i am.
like thats not okay
hes my dad,
yeah he wasnt there when i was born,
but im sure he got a call
like was i really that BIG of a mistake!?
and yeah, fer the first time,
ive finally admitted to myself,
and to everyone,
that i was the mistake child.
its not that big of a deal
but like it sucks knowing that
you were the kids the parents didnt really want.
im sure my moms greatful fer such amazing kids,
but still i always keep that in the back of my mind.
today me and martin talked about things that have been on my mind fer a while
i dun even know if we ended the conversation on a good note,
i dunt know if its okay to text him tomorrow,
i dont know if were ever gonna talk again.
its obvious that i was just a back up.
he practically told me so.
the way he makes everything sound,
its like... i dunno.
i just have high doubts in us ever getting back together
and at this point i dont even care.
like im just so done, waiting around,
waiting fer my heart get broken.
thats all im really doing,
just waiting around for him to wake up and realize
that he never loved me,
and that hes done with him.
nmaybe its better it ended this way.
everythings out on the table,
nothings left inside of me to say to him,
and now, im okay to move on without feeling guilty.
when my mom gets home im gonna talk to her about
going to the district offices and let me transfer
to McCallum high
possibly not my freshman year
but fer sure sophomore and up.
i just want to go to a school thatll actually get me further in life.
like im not doing anything with Tech.
so why would i go to New TECH ?!
Mccallums got a great arts program so i mean
why not just go there right??!
*****************
Brianna**