Happy - Lauren

Wow…. SO I haven’t posted on here since March 8^th. That’s insane.

So much has changed in those two months…

I am very proud to say that I am actually happy.

I spent so long with nothing in my life that made me truly happy, and now I have it.

Chamber is amazing; we’re finally like our own little family. I love it, and being in Acapella, I really am a Choir kid at heart :) I auditioned for a spring show solo today; I think it went well actually, I’m nervous. ><;;  Our spring show (And my last concert) is on Tuesday… I’m going to cry my eyes out, I’m so sad it’s over…

I’m graduating in three weeks. That’s some scary shit. I know I have to take at least a year off to work because I have to start from Zero. I’m supposedly moving out after Christmas, I was going to move out in July but plans fell through….

I am no longer friends with Montanna. We got into an Enormous fight, I started it because I was pissed off that I found out she and mike are engaged, after she swore to me they were broken up, and that I found out through Courtney because she didn’t have the guts to tell me. She turned it on me and accused me of spreading rumors and said all sorts of nasty shit about me. She apologized over Facebook after the fight, but I told her that I accepted the apology and apologized as well, but some of the stuff she said really hurt me and we’d have to work on that whole trust thing, and she never even bothered to respond. So I’m done. She was here one day because she and Jim still hang out, but it was really awkward. We were nice and all, but I know now that someone who can so easily believe those things about me probably isn’t someone I need to be spending all that much time with. I’m pretty comfortable with it, I mean… I wish it didn’t have to be like this but after someone breaks my trust it’s really hard to get it back again…

But I AM probably moving in with Shea, Rowan, and Dylan. :) I’m totally happy with that, I think the four of us would work really well together ^^

Shea and Jenny aren’t speaking, for real this time. Jenny brought Shea’s ex to prom, and Shea flipped. It was the last straw; they’d been at each other for weeks. Shea kicked her out.

Kira and I are talking again. We’re actually vaguely friends again ^^;; I didn’t think that would happen, but in light of more recent real fights I realized the reasons I wasn’t friends with her for were silly. I mean, they were more important at the time, but it’s been so long… And really, there wasn’t any reason to be mad anymore. She’s changed too, she matured. She found someone she’s actually really happy with and he’s a great guy and its done wonders for her :) She, JB (her bf), Shea and I went to prom together; It was a lot of fun once we got past Jenny screaming her head off at Shea in the middle of it. ><;;

John and I are on four months this coming Tuesday; He makes me so happy it’s not even funny. <3 It feels so much longer than that, but it’s only been four months… I really do love him. ;) I’m slowly getting over all the issues that built up in me over the past 18 years of being single and thinking I wasn’t worth anything… I’m getting past it, and every day that goes by I get better and better at believing that I am. Better and better at being happy.

I haven’t talked to Sam much, but we’re making some progress. I’ve decided to (at least on Fb) call her Spaz, because I just get so confused with Sam/Spencer/He/She, and her Fb name is Spencer ‘Spaz’ Sanders. P: So, I’m really trying to accommodate what Spaz wants. I’ve recently realized that it’s kindof like Spaz is the Brother I don’t talk to very often. Shea is my best friend, and I am hers as she recently told me, and I am completely happy with that. I wish I talked to Sam a little more, but as I get happier I get better at accepting things in my life I can’t really change.

I’m writing a book. It is really sad, but I’m honestly loving it. I got it from a dream I had, and I’m just working on writing it out. I’m a good 15 typed pages in, and I’ve written the end already.  It’ll take work, but I have time :)

So, I am happy. I still have problems, but it just seems so much easier to deal with them now.

I’m just….. Happy. :)

My First Kiss... I feel like such a girl - Lauren

So uh... Guess what happened to me last night. Yeah. That's right. Somebody kissed me.
I was at the scare brainstorm meeting early, so I was sitting alone and reading, and as people showed up John came over and joined me, saying I looked lonely. I was reading and thinking about my last post, so I wasn't really up for too much company, but I welcomed his, he's always nice to hang out with. We talked for a while till the meeting was just about to start, then we got up, wandered a bit, then sat down again. The moment I sat down I was flanked by Charity and Montanna - they smooshed in against my sides and said I looked lonely. John considered for a moment, then took off his jacket and laid it against my legs which were folded against me, and used them as a back rest. I felt completely trapped and squashed - but not in a bad way. I felt loved. ^_^

So after a while of meeting Jarrett called a 5 minute break, which lasted more like 15, and we all got up, stretched, and walked around some. During this time Rowan grabbed my hand and pulled me into the hallway. She asked me if I liked John, and when I responded after a moment of thought that I didn't know she told me that she was pretty sure he liked me. I got all embarrassed and shook my head; I didn't really believe it and just kind of wrote it off. When we went to sit back down Montanna took up her seat, but John stole Charity's on my side, and after some failed convincing John to move she took his on my knees. We kept talking in whispers through some boring presentations by some less than fascinating characters, so we had to be close otherwise we wouldn't hear each other. Then.... Out of the blue he just leaned over and kissed me.
I was totally caught by surprise, and didn't really react, but when he pulled away with this really worried look in his eye I smiled really shyly because inside I was flipping out in what seemed like slow motion and scooted a little, then laid my head on his shoulder. He kind of muttered something under his breath and when I asked him what he said he did the whole "I didn't say anything" thing, and when I finally got him to tell me he looked all embarrassed and said I was really pretty - and when I was all embarrassed and said thank you, he kissed me again. This time I kissed him back. It was really nice... not exactly what I expected. I never expected my first kiss to be squashed under Charity and up against Montanna, I never expected it to be him, I never expected it to happen in a scare meeting hiding in the corner, I honestly had no idea what to expect about what it felt like... but it was definitely worth it.
When we pulled away he took my hand in his and gave me this really cute shy smile, and we settled in to watch the rest of the rather strange presentation.
We pretty much spent the rest of the time hanging out together, holding hands with the occasional stolen kiss or my head on his shoulder, kind of bouncing from group to group once it was over and everyone was wandering and hanging out. At one point when we weren't holding hands and Charity apparently just noticed things she dragged me aside and asked me if I liked him (To which I responded I think I did), because he had a huge crush on me, she could tell, and told me that she was pretty sure he was about as shy as I was and if I didn't ask him out she was going to tell him for me. I'm not sure how she managed to miss everything that was going on considering she was lying on my knees when it happened; I guess she was really focused. but yeah... We kept trying to escape his parents so they wouldn't make him leave, it was amusing. Rowan at one point ran up and glomped onto both of us announcing that we were "soooo cute!" and dashed off again, my brother just kind of reacted like... Oh now? What is this? ^_^;; Dork.
But yeah. I feel awesome. My tummy is all full of butterflies and my face is way too hot, but this was exactly what I needed to pull me out of the rut I had been in. I feel so much better about life... And I feel kind of ridiculous for it, but I do.
He wants me to go to Jarrett's overnight Paintball extravaganza birthday party... thing. It's on Jarrett's parent's ranch and everybody from scare was invited. I really want to go. I don't play paintball, but plenty of people go to watch. ^///^
Even if nothing comes of this I'm glad it happened... at the very least I know someone was interested in me enough to try. Which I didn't believe before now would ever happen.
He didn't exactly ask me out... but I'm honestly hoping he will. I do think I like him, despite thinking I'd never like someone shorter than me, I guess I proved myself wrong. ^///^
So thank you John Ilger.
And I like you too. :)

Chance #2 -Nilsa

So now Matt has once again asked me out. It's pretty weird that he had to do that, since I was unaware that we had broken up. He seemed sincere though, so I said okay... but was it a mistake? If I'm gonna be with someone, I need them to pay attention to me. And you would think that the most attention would come in the beginning of the relationship. I guess I'm just worried, it's only been like a day;) But just based on last time, there was a little bit of a lack in the attention/talking/communication area. I'm not much for 3rd chances.

was i blind? -brianna

or did everyone see this coming? did I See this comingg?? no. i didnt. i think its stupid. if you really love me this wouldnt be happening. why is it happening again? i dont want it to happen. i want it to go away. i want this feeling to stop. i want the tears to stop. i want it all to stop. i want summer to go away, summer, the pain, the tears, the "confusion" everything. i want it gone. i especially want summer gone. i hate it. its stupid. i want to go to school and see him. i wanna see my friends. i dont want to be home for 106 days without doing anything... no im not doing thatt. thats why i got a gym membership yes? yes... thats why im going first thing in the morning nd blow off this stem... but maybe this will make me stronger... like make me realize that with him you really dont know what to expect... nd i hate that so much. i mean i like it cause its spontaneous but like its with the bad stuff.. i already know when hes going in for i kiss, i know when hes trying to hold my hand, and i know when hes not gonna let me go. but i never know when hes going to break up with me, i never know when the day will come when he'll tell me to leave him alone cause he hates me. i never know when his top will blow and... strike IM out... me and jason are on pause til freshman year... will we actually get back? no promises... :'(