I feel Weird... - Lauren

John and I are Five months on Tuesday.
Five  months. That's a long time, especially for me.
He's my first real boyfriend, and the first person to ever tell me he loves me.

Because of the fact that I had to wait until I was nearly -18- years old before this happened, I developed some issues. I didn't hate myself. but I didn't really think I was worth anything.
And because of -that- I had some terrible self-image issues and due to -that- I had... Intimacy issues. 
Well I've broken that. I broke through my issues and finally was able to open up and stop hating on myself, I finally understand that I -am- worth something to at least one someone, and so today...
Well lemme show you the message I sent to Sam and Shea after the fact.

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• 

  6 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • Soooo...
    I was hanging out with John today, he was over to help me clean up and deal with shit, and I figure the both of you might kill me if I didn't tell you when my first time was, sooooo there's that. ^////^;; He ran to go get us lunch so I'm sending this. But dad just got home so I'm hitting send and making it go away now!
    
    Love yas!
    
    Please no murder. ♥
• 

  6 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Not exactly how I thought you'd lose your viriginity but fair enough! Hope you used protection~ ♥ And noworries, I wont murder you... Not yet. >>
• 

  6 hours ago

  Shea Kilgannon

  • :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
    
    You're too cute.
    My little girl is growing up so fast. :'D
    ♥
• 

  5 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • You've thought about it? ^^;; And yes, of course I did. P: Yet? D: Is there a reason you're going to murder me? O.O
    
    Ooooomigod shea. XD So many smileys ^^;;
• 

  5 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Well, I just knew you to be so conservative and what not. Plus with your last relationship with dog face.... I dunno, it was just sort of a surprise for me I guess. *shrugs* And good girl. Least you use your brain unlike your brother.
• 

  5 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • I know. I didn't want to for a long time, but come tuesday we'll have been together five months... >///<;;
    Well Dog face and I never did anything, John was my first kiss. You know that. P: I'm finally completely over him and everything that happened. :3
    This whole thing is still a surprise to me, I'm still working on the whole believing someone else can like me like that thing, but... he really does love me. ♥ And I love him. ^/////^
    
    And you know me, I'm all brains. The boy one... not so much ^^;;
• 

  5 hours ago

  Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders

  • Indeed. Well, I'm glad you used your head hun. I hope you and him can go the distance. And ps, dog face lost something good.
• 

  2 hours ago

  Lauren Nystul

  • Thanks hun. ♥
    He did, didn't he...
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    So yeah. There's that. ^^;;
    And this is titled I feel Weird because I do kind of, but not like I expected. 
    I think i worked myself up for it to be this huge deal, and it really wasn't. 
    I just feel kindof dazed, and sleepy. Lol. 
    Though... somehow I do feel a bit different, I guess because of Sam's reaction to my being so conservative, I was. really bad. and I've loosened up a lot, so I guess I'm letting go of that conservative tight person who hates shorts and tank tops and swearing and showing skin... I'm loosening up, and calming down. It feels nice, I don't think I realized how tightly I was wound. 
    But... It's weird. I'm losing who I was for so long... It's not bad, I don't think, but it is definitely... Weird.

Happy - Lauren

Wow…. SO I haven’t posted on here since March 8^th. That’s insane.

So much has changed in those two months…

I am very proud to say that I am actually happy.

I spent so long with nothing in my life that made me truly happy, and now I have it.

Chamber is amazing; we’re finally like our own little family. I love it, and being in Acapella, I really am a Choir kid at heart :) I auditioned for a spring show solo today; I think it went well actually, I’m nervous. ><;;  Our spring show (And my last concert) is on Tuesday… I’m going to cry my eyes out, I’m so sad it’s over…

I’m graduating in three weeks. That’s some scary shit. I know I have to take at least a year off to work because I have to start from Zero. I’m supposedly moving out after Christmas, I was going to move out in July but plans fell through….

I am no longer friends with Montanna. We got into an Enormous fight, I started it because I was pissed off that I found out she and mike are engaged, after she swore to me they were broken up, and that I found out through Courtney because she didn’t have the guts to tell me. She turned it on me and accused me of spreading rumors and said all sorts of nasty shit about me. She apologized over Facebook after the fight, but I told her that I accepted the apology and apologized as well, but some of the stuff she said really hurt me and we’d have to work on that whole trust thing, and she never even bothered to respond. So I’m done. She was here one day because she and Jim still hang out, but it was really awkward. We were nice and all, but I know now that someone who can so easily believe those things about me probably isn’t someone I need to be spending all that much time with. I’m pretty comfortable with it, I mean… I wish it didn’t have to be like this but after someone breaks my trust it’s really hard to get it back again…

But I AM probably moving in with Shea, Rowan, and Dylan. :) I’m totally happy with that, I think the four of us would work really well together ^^

Shea and Jenny aren’t speaking, for real this time. Jenny brought Shea’s ex to prom, and Shea flipped. It was the last straw; they’d been at each other for weeks. Shea kicked her out.

Kira and I are talking again. We’re actually vaguely friends again ^^;; I didn’t think that would happen, but in light of more recent real fights I realized the reasons I wasn’t friends with her for were silly. I mean, they were more important at the time, but it’s been so long… And really, there wasn’t any reason to be mad anymore. She’s changed too, she matured. She found someone she’s actually really happy with and he’s a great guy and its done wonders for her :) She, JB (her bf), Shea and I went to prom together; It was a lot of fun once we got past Jenny screaming her head off at Shea in the middle of it. ><;;

John and I are on four months this coming Tuesday; He makes me so happy it’s not even funny. <3 It feels so much longer than that, but it’s only been four months… I really do love him. ;) I’m slowly getting over all the issues that built up in me over the past 18 years of being single and thinking I wasn’t worth anything… I’m getting past it, and every day that goes by I get better and better at believing that I am. Better and better at being happy.

I haven’t talked to Sam much, but we’re making some progress. I’ve decided to (at least on Fb) call her Spaz, because I just get so confused with Sam/Spencer/He/She, and her Fb name is Spencer ‘Spaz’ Sanders. P: So, I’m really trying to accommodate what Spaz wants. I’ve recently realized that it’s kindof like Spaz is the Brother I don’t talk to very often. Shea is my best friend, and I am hers as she recently told me, and I am completely happy with that. I wish I talked to Sam a little more, but as I get happier I get better at accepting things in my life I can’t really change.

I’m writing a book. It is really sad, but I’m honestly loving it. I got it from a dream I had, and I’m just working on writing it out. I’m a good 15 typed pages in, and I’ve written the end already.  It’ll take work, but I have time :)

So, I am happy. I still have problems, but it just seems so much easier to deal with them now.

I’m just….. Happy. :)

Glad to be back - Lauren

I know over the last few months I've been dealing with a lot of shit and fighting getting into the dark place, but No more! I know maybe it seems silly, but This has done so much more for me than just getting a boyfriend.
John asked me out officially two weeks ago today, to which I of course said yes. ;)
The last two weeks have been pretty amazing, though it feel like sooo much longer than that. We've been on two dates and He came to one of the EPIC rehearsals.
We've texted every night from when I get home until one of us falls asleep (with the occasional internet fail on my part - but I ordered my new phone so by the end of the week I should be back in business! :D)
He's so sweet, I couldn't have imagined better. :)

But even more than just that I'm simply... Happy again. I mean, it's like it kindof restored my faith in myself and reminded me that I AM good enough, which I think I was starting to forget before. But now... I think even if this falls through (Which I don't think it will and I sincerely hope it doesn't) I'll be able to get back on my feet and live my life again.
I remember now how much I like being happy.
I really don't ever want that feeling to go away again.
I missed it, I just didn't know how much.
I feel like I'm finally back to being myself again. I wasn't ever that sad alone person, that's just not who I am. But this... I'm so much happier and when I smile all the time at school I'm not faking it, it's real and I love it.
I missed this... So so so much.
I'm glad to be back. :)

... - Lauren

I miss being Happy.

Confused. :/ - Lauren

So... He came back last night. And I'm pretty sure I still like him.
Do you know that feeling when you look up to try to look at someone sneakily and you aren't sure if you caught them looking at you or they caught you looking at them? Well it happened a lot. I don't know if he saw me looking and looked, or if I saw him... >///<

I wish I could just be happy about it.
I'm too busy being restricted by my dad to even be happy I like him (or upset I like him, either way I suppose. ><)
I just feel like crap all the time.
I need to get out of here...
Only six more months. Then I can move in with Montanna and deal with her shit.
But I don't have anywhere else to go.

I'm not feeling the christmas spirit so much this year... Which is really sad because I love the holidays. I miss it.
No one seems to care anymore.
I'm tired of fighting everything.

Camp - Lauren

So, I just got home from camp. Home from a week at Nilsa's house. Home from a week of real food, hot showers, and females. I get home and immediately dad's griping and already we're cleaning house. I started feeling sick, so I'm in my room right now... But yeah. I wasn't even home yet and last night he was lecturing me. >< It was just a bit tiring. BUT Despite that... This week has been the best week... Possibly ever. XD
Sunday I met up with Nilsa Ben and Holly at the UU Church for setup, then Nilsa and I went back to her house and hung out, watched Dr. Horrible, had Ice Cream, caught up. ^_^ Monday was the first of five days of camp, and I spent the week with Destry cuz He was Head Boy and I was Head Girl. =) He wasn't there Wednesday, and I was really bored cuz I had to wander around without a real Job alone. >.> Boriiiing. Lol. But the rest of the week was prettymuch amazing. <3 Monday was Diagon alley, kids got cloaks, robes, bags, coins, wands. ^_^ Destry helped with Quiddich and I helped with Chess(Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday). Tuesday was the first day of classes, We helped in the potions room getting rid of the nasty potion they made, all shorts of nasty stuff caked onto the bottom, and it STANK thanks to the dragon's blood (Cabbage Juice) In it. >< Wednesday I re-knotted blankets for greyhound pets of america that the kids messed up, thursday we helped with Dry Potions, which was edible stuff, and the kids were crazy and hyper and it was hilarious. XD Geordi made an Instant Purging Potion, which was awful, Destry tried it, and if he'd had the whole thing... I think his potion would've worked. Smelled like Vomit and Tuna, tasted like vomit and cough syrup, looke like soupy pink vomit. >< It was DISGUSTING. Lol. ^_^ Yesterday the four of us original promises had a little reunion and left Francesca a Message with Livin on a Tiger on it, I love the others too but it was really nice to have the four of us together again. ^_^ Destry and I after then when class started wandered around, blew up water balloons in the most fail way possible, saw the stars in the astronomy tent. =3 it was fun, then there was the great feast, kinda gross bean soup and bread and butter the kids made (so we didn't get any, cuz we didn't make any ><) then all the prefects got to hang out in room 11 (our room), and Vicki got us pizza, and we had an amazing time. =) We're all really sad it's over... but we DON'T plan on waiting another year to all get together like last time, NoNoNo. Not again. We're already trying to plan one. ^_^
Nilsa and I had a lot of really girly giggly chats about... Well girly stuff. =O Liking people, things we wish guys  knew (Which our whole huge group actually ended up talking about yesterday), everything. ^_^ It was prettymuch awesome. Sam and I never really had talks like that... She's not like that.
Nilsa is pretty much like the little sister I never had. ^_^ Andi came in one day and told Nilsa and I that our mom was here, and It made me smile. I like her mom a lot more than my own. >< To tell the truth it would be pretty amazing to be a part of that family, it's so comfortable and there's far less DUDE than in mine, I live with three sloppy guys and a male cat, I get real tired of trying to explain certain things to dudes, or like... I dunno. Sounds emo and cliche, but I don't really mean it in that way, it's just that they don't get me, what guy REALLY gets girls? some people get individual girls, but not like... ALL girls. >< I dunno, My family tires me out. I love them, but It was really nice to have a break, and I wish it wasn't over quite yet. >.> (That makes me feel kinda bad to say it, but it's true.) I sometimes think they wouldn't really function without me, my brother is a lazy emo kid who sleeps all day and won't get up unless there's something in it for him or when he wants to get up. My dad is usually depressed and snaps at people all the time, he has lost prettymuch all faith in humanity,  he gripes and complains.. My uncle is a hermit who doesn't like to be around people much... He would far rather talk to people on WoW than in real life. It's ridiculous. So... Being with calm, happy, Girls all week was nice. I fit in at their family. I really enjoyed it. ^_^
I've never had a song in my head for more than like a day.. MAYBE two. But I have had a song in my head ALL week. Catch Me by Demi Lovato... It's really catchy and sweet, the lyrics are clever, and I just have to get over the fact that she's a disney channel star. >< I'm like... In love with this song. =) Nilsa showed it to me and it's so sweet. It's like... really true too. At one point I was singing the chorus quietly to myself and there's this part that goes 'But you're so hypnotizing, you got me laughin while I sing you got me smilin in my... Sleep' and It's so true. It happened to me, when I was singing it. ^_^ and There was much smiling done. ^///^ It's just an adorable song I relate to, and it's been stuck in my head all week. But I guess i don't mind too much. <3
So, basically... Harry Potter Camp? best thing ever.
And  if she ever reads this....
Holly... GET OUT! XD Lol
<3

Positive stuff! - Lauren

Most of this blog is all problems and stuff, so I'm gonna take this opportunity to say some happy stuff!

My first babysitting job today, babysat Montanna's little sister at the pool for 4.5 hours, it was awesome but MAN that girl never gets tired. XD got 15 dollars, admission to the YMCA, two dresses, a shirt, dinner, and Ice cream. ^_^ All in all, good 6 hours. XD (Plus Montanna and I got to hang out in goodwill and try on obnoxious clothes like Idiots. X3 lol

I'm leaving for a week at Nilsa's house for Potter Camp tomorrow! I seriously can't wait. XD I haven't seen the guys since Halloween, and we haven't all been together since camp last year! It's been far too long. (The only sad part is missing Francesca. :( WHY MUST FLORIDA STEAL MY FRIENDS?!)I can't wait to be out of my house for a week, I love my family but.. I WANT TO MURDER THEM ALL. Jk, but seriously, they are REALLY getting on my nerves, a week away will be awesome for me. ^_^

I now have 75 bucks, having money is a good thing. ^_^ I babysat, and one of my dad's friends payed me $10 a shirt to adjust 5 of her t-shirts so they fit right. and $10 more to re-wrap the straps of her favorite purse with new fabric. =D

I fixed up my favorite shoes I thought were dead with a hot glue gun (I <3 hot glue... Best stuff Everrr). High Tops with the Heart Grenade on them (Green Day lolz).

Things may be looking up with Sam, She actually told me to  text her when I asked her what was wrong on FB instead of ignoring it like normal, and we had a real (Albeit short) conversation about problems Between her and an Ex, and kinda sideways about us. It was progress. =)

So, I'm doing much better than the other day. ^_^ I'm Happy and Excited. Can't wait till camp!!!!
~~Lauren~~

P.S. If anyone Cares, I have another Blog, http://www.lovelyricslove.blogspot.com where I take a song, post the lyrics, and then write a description of why I picked it and why it applies to me. =D