F*** Everything... - Lauren

I know I post here a lot and I'm so sorry if my rants bother anyone... but right now I kindof don't have anywhere to take this shit... So here comes another awesome rant of awesome (...Not)

So yeah. My day was just the shit. Got bitched at by Ashten because I couldn't be objective over her bitching about my best friend, Found out someone is 'boinked' someone else and wanted to smack her for her awful timing, sat by myself, freaked out because somebody completely vanished,  froze my ass off because I was a dumbass and wore leggings instead of real pants, found out my brother is a stoner because he's suicidal, got left behind to sit by myself, got to breathe in all sorts of fucking smoke and shit and my eyes hurt from it, had to calm someone down because of a fucking Creeper who keeps threatening to show up, Sat by myself, Sat in the car staring out the window without saying a word for like an hour driving people home and not one person noticed enough to ask if I was okay, or anything.Yeah, the day definitely had fun parts, but I am not in the mood right now to shine with joy at 'the little things'.

Here's my conversation with Ashten to give you a hint of how my day started off.

Between You and Ashten Smith

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:44am Report

Do you have any advice on getting over people, lauren? No one is answering the phone and I am just feeling really upset over this stupid infatuation I have with, well, you know who. Even after all this time. It's seriously irritating. I even turned down someone because I am not over her. Not to mention, she just goes on with her life, not even caring about me at all, so that just makes this infatuation MORE irritating and I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry to come to you with this out of the blue...I just need someone to talk to and yeah...Sorry, man.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:49am

You're totally talking to the wrong person man... I'm the one who was in love with someone who completely turned her down for three years and currently likes someone who is afraid of relationships. I know it's irritating but I really don't know what to tell you...
She had to move on, for herself. She's with someone she really cares about now, and She's happy. I know it sucks, but she is.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:56am Report

Well, I am gonna be honest with you. I am glad she is happy, I really am but...nevermind, I'll talk to you later. I wish you could, just for one minute, not JUST think about her side of it. You don't understand what she did. And you probably won't. I am not trying to be mean or hateful but the way she dropped me was just horrible. I am not asking you to take my side. I am just asking you to be objective. But I'll talk to you later when I am not as upset as I am right now. Don't mention this to her. She is happy, I know. And I don't want her pitying me or any shit like that. In fact, don't mention this to anyone. I don't want people thinking I am some pathetic loser who can't get over someone after so long.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:59am

I'm sorry, but She's been my best friend for ten years, and I've had ten years of taking her side. I try to see both sides but People don't exactly like to give me all the details. and I'm not just picking her side just because, from what I've heard I believe she did what she had to. Maybe not in the best way, but she did what she had to. I'm not saying she's always right, but... I don't know.
Really I'm the worst person you could pick to be objective... I am sorry, but it's how my brain's been wired for ten years and that's a very hard habit to break.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 12:00pm Report

I know. I am sorry for expecting you to be objective.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:35pm

Look... I'm sorry, But I really don't know what to say here... You never talk to me unless it's to try to talk about Sam which I told you ages ago I shouldn't be doing because I know I can't be fair and objective. About anything Else I can, but not this. I know we have our issues and she barely ever talks to me anymore, but I love her and I'm not going to give up on her as my best friend just so I can be objective.
I feel like shit a lot because it feels like people only give a shit I exist when they need someone to rant to. And I'm glad I can be that person, but where's anyone else when I need to talk? There's a reason I have a blog where I write all this shit, and a stack of letters too big to fit into an envelope if I ever meant to send them, Nobody gives enough of a shit to listen, and the ones that do are hard to get ahold of, or only care if they are in the right mood.

You're not the only one dealing with shit. I am sorry, i truly am, but you caught me on a really bad day. I'm dealing with liking someone afraid of relationships, i'm fighting depression because no one gives a shit about me in a crowd, I keep getting ditched to sit by myself, every fucking person in the world is a stoner, a smoker, Fucking everyone, or a drinker but me and I feel completely left out because it seems like that's all they are interested in or can talk about. I have no life because I am too busy being responsible to have one, and caring what happens to my body, which no one else seems to care about (either thing), I have to deal with my family bitching at me and everyone around me Constantly, leaving my house and entering a complete new world blindly at the end of the school year and moving in with Montanna who has kindof been driving me up a wall the past few weeks... I really don't know how to feel about any of this, and I'm sorry if I'm too bunged up to be objective.

I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I have to fight it just like the rest of the world, I just want to be the happy person so bad that i put on the guise, no matter if i feel like hiding in my room for a week, and I know no one would notice if I did. 

 

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I'm just so... tired of trying to live my life when no one seems to notice when I do. I know I exist only to please and help people, but it would be nice if I didn't sit by myself so often, and if people had more to talk about than sex drugs and alcohol. Maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong people, but... I love my friends, and I want to be supportive, I just don't think I can do this... it's seriously... all they talk about! While we were freaking in the car two people kept making out, and I just felt so... Out of place. I swear, I've felt out of place before, but Never more than when I'm with these people.

I swear... sometimes I'm the only person who isn't stoned drugged drunk high or horny all the freaking time... I wish I had someplace to go where life was simpler. Where people wanted to talk about something other than that. I can't even get myself a boyfriend  let alone all that. Maybe if I wanted to do all that I would, but I have just no interest in drugs or alcohol. I hate the smell of smoke and beer, it makes me sick and my eyes burn, I have no want at all to be around that. But it seems like if I want to have friends I don't have a choice. I just... I wish there was another option. 

I feel so... Alone. All the time. don't get me wrong, I love all these people to death, but..... Nilsa is amazing, but impossible to get ahold of and to ever see - I haven't seen her since school started. Shea is awesome, but has a boyfriend and thus vanishes a lot. Montanna is great except she's one of those people. Courtney is awesome, but she wants Constant freaking contact and I just can't do that. I love Marly, but I can't get her to leave her house, and she loves kira and Jordy so much more now, I never see her except when she has to ride the bus with me. Sam..... that's a whole nother rant. 

Sam (Or as She would now like to be called - Spencer (and she would like to be called He on that note as well)) has been my best friend for ten years. Ten fucking years. And she hasn't texted me back since December Fifteenth, and that was an eight text message conversation. But no, She's fucking talking to every other person in the world, including at least two she swore she never wanted to talk to again. But no. Not me. Not her best friend who has been at her side for ten years of bullshit and pain. I've been trying to wait for her to get over herself and realize she needs friends who she hasn't dated/isn't going to date, but it's been nearly impossible, because when you don't text her you don't exist. And for that matter, when I do text her I don't exist. On facebook if I comment on something it's all I love yous and we're bfffs forever, but...... I want our friendship to mean more to her than a poke on facebook. best friendship cant only be a poke war. I feel like I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she is or what she wants from life... I miss her so much, but honestly I miss who she was, because I don't know the first thing about her anymore. I don't know her favorite color, her favorite bands, I don't fucking know anything about her except that she no longer wants to be a 'her'. i feel like as she's shedding 'Sam' and becoming 'Spencer' I'm losing every connection I had with her. I feel like sam is my best friend, always will be, but I don't know the first thing about Spencer, and I don't think he gives a shit about me at all. She moved down to louisiana and went and got erself a new brother and a new family, and forgot about her old one. Except my brother. Him she talks to. Fuckin everybody else in the world but me. 

 

Goddamn... I love these people, I love her, so much more than they can every imagine, but... I'm just so SICK of their SHIT.  SICK OF IT. I'm never comfortable... I'm never just.. Happy. I miss being comfortable i my own skin, so much. I miss being secure in having a best friend and someone I could always go to. I miss not feeling alone in every step of my life, I miss not having a boyfriend not being a big deal. I miss not feelin like shit because no one seems to think I'm good enough to even ask out, let alone commit to a relationship. Someone told me that he kinda wanted to ask me out freshman year but didn't because he was with someone, but that doesn't mean shit. Awesome. You kinda liked me freshman year, but didn't tell me until senior year while you have a girlfriend. I never liked you really.... but that's not the point. I just... I wish SOMEONE would give a shit about me and show it. i miss feeling like a human being with a real shot at finding someone decent instead of a chubby broken out over emotional teenage girl who is a complete hopeless romantic that is in fact.. Hopeless.

And there you go. 2062 words on how shitty I feel. Fuck... My lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Life as we know it - Lauren

It's been a while. Life is decent, but there are some things I wished I could change...
I don't sleep much, not with Scare. So I'm always dead tired and really slow. I wish there was a way to do scare and still sleep. ><

Our house stinks - our water heater is broken and has been since this summer, and we aren't the best at keeping on top of things, so the dishes stink. I hate living in a house full of guys... It sucks. they are all slobs, and yet bryan (my uncle) always yells at us for not cleaning up. My dad isn't so bad, he hates things being dirty, he just doesn't have the time or particularly care enough to do things himself. He always has me or my brother do it when he's not doing anything in particular anyways. It's ridiculous. And my brother's just a sloppy whiny emo kid who needs to do his laundry more than once a month and shower more than only when his hair starts to get all sticky.

The house work doesn't get kept up because I don't have time to do everything myself, so nothing gets done. I hate it, it stinks, but... What can I do? I'm already not sleeping much... I don't have any choices but to just suffer... I can't wait to move out. I really can't. Yeah, it comes with all sorts of adult changes and living in the real world, and all that shit, but... As much as I love my family, I can't wait to not have to be around so many moody guys all day every day. >< Man, and they think we're bad. O.o

Montanna and Mike broke up last week, she came home to her stuff all packed and his status on facebook was single, and she (for the first time ever) after some debate (he's full of it - he's all "Well it's your choice if we're still together or not") she just said fuck it and left, and then an hour later he calls her and begs her to come home, he was wrong... all that shit. She's now staying back at their apartment, but didn't exactly hurry to put her facebook status back from single, she's not paying as much attention as before, she's hanging out with other people more, and he's not taking it so well. But honestly, he wasn't giving her room to be a teenager, and she wasn't ready to be an adult. She's 20, and he's twice her age. I'm sad that they are sad, but really i think it's better for both of them that they don't mend bridges and get together again, they just don't... mesh really. It just doesn't work.

I feel like I'm losing some of the all around niceness i was so known for... Once someone's broken my trust I really couldn't care less for them... And I feel bad for it, but it's true.
This morning in the hallway after the bell rang, we were slowly making our way to the doors with the crowd, and I passed AM&AN sitting together in the hallway, and when I glanced that direction AM's face was all pinkish and she had this look on her face, the one I knew from when we were really close as the one she makes just before she starts crying... and I didn't feel anything. I felt like I should feel bad, feel something, but.... I just turned away and kept walking. I feel really bad for it, but... She broke the friendship through all her lies and unwillingness to improve her own life, move forward, and fix the things she wanted to desperately to complain about. I have more sympathy for strangers than I did for someone who used to be one of my closest friends at that moment. I feel bad that I don't feel worse, but... I just can't make myself feel like she doesn't deserve anything she gets for the lifestyle she's chosen... She lied and lost all of her true friends who really cared, and now has a whole host of people who doesn't really care and are all out for their own self interest... I wish I could say I didn't think she deserves being kicked out of her house, I wish I could say I miss her, I wish I could say I wish we were still friends, but I can't... I don't believe any of it... I just can't make myself care anymore.

Last First Day - Lauren

So today was the first day of my senior year, my last first day of high school ever. Kinda sad really. =( But... While Everyone was on Facebook complaining, and I was being all excited, seems like everyone had awesome first days but me. Mine kinda sorta sucked. First off there was no one in really any classes to talk to. Personal fitness, Economics (Only had Elyssa, who was awesome freshman year but has turned into a bit of an obnoxious prep dragonette since then. ><), and Pre-Cal - To which I was late because Kira Marlena Shea and I went to Sonic for lunch to experience seniors going off campus and such, but They are slow and don't care for being on time like me (And Shea has an off period. P= yeah... lol) so they stalled getting back and I eventually just left and was still late because the evil (But totally awesome and surprisingly comfy - for short periods of time) heels I was wearing were murdering my feet and I was limping along the hot as hell road. Doesn't help that I felt awful for being late the first day but he managed to embarass me in front of the whole class too. Awesome. That class? Contains Nik, who is Shea's Ex Boyfriend who she's only recently friends with again, with whom I share a Mutual distaste. I don't like him, and he knows it. He's a douche stoner kid who has been arrested more than once for posession and likes to mess with me, and he and Lauren Nicole spread nasty rumors about Shea after Shea and Nik broke up and Lauren Nicole started dating him. ><

Chamber was the only bright spot of my day. Chamber is a small, additional choir of only 12 girls that I got into as a backup for a girl who had to drop, and I am super excited, it's funny... the girls in there never talk to me normally, at least not last year, but it seems like the moment I got into chamber everything changed. Like it was admission to some secret club and once I'm in Megan, who I haven't talked to since freshman year, is smiling and waving and not studiously ignoring me, adding me on facebook, it's just like... Woah. It looks like it's gonna be awesome too, Fish (Dr. Tod Fish, my choir teacher - Tod means Dead in German. Yeah. Dr. Dead Fish. XD) wants to do stuff like sing at the old people home (as Lauren G. likes to call it) and have us all memorize solo numbers and all that fun stuff... I'm so excited.

I'm really frustrated though, because I'm supposed to be in Acapella, which is the highest level concert choir (and Mixed), but I'm in Kantori (The mid-level all girls choir) again, because my ASL 3 class is the same period as ASL >.> I hate it, because I have to pick between my two favorite classes... Choir and ASL. I don't want to, but I think I have to Drop ASL because I've been looking forward so much to being in Acap, the people are amazing, it's a mixed choir again, I just... I have been so excited and now I have to pick =(

Hoping my second day is better, my first B day. ^_^;;
Wish me luck!

Not Again... - Lauren

And now, to top it off, I got a message from Amanda. It's like... I have great days for a while, then all of a sudden everything happens in one day. >.>
Just watch though, tomorrow it'll be Anysa with my luck. >:/
Cuz it's the three people I haven't spoken to and had no plan to, and honestly I don't think I can forgive despite how hard it is for me to be angry and reject them trying to be friends... I honestly don't know that I can forget what they did. Kira and I didn't even think of being 'friends' for a year and The reason we stopped didn't even involve me, but my best friend. I just... I wish I could be friends with them again. I do. But...

But I just... I look at Amanda and I remember a 'friend' who left me alone in the forest to go screw my brother. A 'friend' who has fed me lies almost since we met. A 'friend' who stole my best friend away to another room when me and Audrey slept to drink each others blood.
I look at Lyn and I see the angry violent person she uses to cover the deep, sweet girl inside. The one she refuses to let anyone see. I see the one who dated and threw away guys who may've loved her like they were nothing. I see the girl who stole my brother away for doing god knows what while I slept, and I woke up to find them sleeping on my floor cuddled up together. I see the girl Who I practically didn't exist to while she was with my brother.
I look at Anysa and I see feigned pregnancies, I see lies and cheating, I see Marcus's text after he found out about Jim and Anysa while they were dating. I see her and Amanda making out in the hallway. I just...
I don't think I can get past that... I really don't.

I don't want to be the one to give up on people... I really don't. That's the last one I wanted to be. But these aren't healthy people, and being around them causes me so much pain and stress. I'm just now feeling well, I don't need their shit too... I just can't do it... >.>


But i'll get through it, I always do. I'm just frustrated, I'll be fine in the end.It just sucks for now.