Life as we know it - Lauren

It's been a while. Life is decent, but there are some things I wished I could change...
I don't sleep much, not with Scare. So I'm always dead tired and really slow. I wish there was a way to do scare and still sleep. ><

Our house stinks - our water heater is broken and has been since this summer, and we aren't the best at keeping on top of things, so the dishes stink. I hate living in a house full of guys... It sucks. they are all slobs, and yet bryan (my uncle) always yells at us for not cleaning up. My dad isn't so bad, he hates things being dirty, he just doesn't have the time or particularly care enough to do things himself. He always has me or my brother do it when he's not doing anything in particular anyways. It's ridiculous. And my brother's just a sloppy whiny emo kid who needs to do his laundry more than once a month and shower more than only when his hair starts to get all sticky.

The house work doesn't get kept up because I don't have time to do everything myself, so nothing gets done. I hate it, it stinks, but... What can I do? I'm already not sleeping much... I don't have any choices but to just suffer... I can't wait to move out. I really can't. Yeah, it comes with all sorts of adult changes and living in the real world, and all that shit, but... As much as I love my family, I can't wait to not have to be around so many moody guys all day every day. >< Man, and they think we're bad. O.o

Montanna and Mike broke up last week, she came home to her stuff all packed and his status on facebook was single, and she (for the first time ever) after some debate (he's full of it - he's all "Well it's your choice if we're still together or not") she just said fuck it and left, and then an hour later he calls her and begs her to come home, he was wrong... all that shit. She's now staying back at their apartment, but didn't exactly hurry to put her facebook status back from single, she's not paying as much attention as before, she's hanging out with other people more, and he's not taking it so well. But honestly, he wasn't giving her room to be a teenager, and she wasn't ready to be an adult. She's 20, and he's twice her age. I'm sad that they are sad, but really i think it's better for both of them that they don't mend bridges and get together again, they just don't... mesh really. It just doesn't work.

I feel like I'm losing some of the all around niceness i was so known for... Once someone's broken my trust I really couldn't care less for them... And I feel bad for it, but it's true.
This morning in the hallway after the bell rang, we were slowly making our way to the doors with the crowd, and I passed AM&AN sitting together in the hallway, and when I glanced that direction AM's face was all pinkish and she had this look on her face, the one I knew from when we were really close as the one she makes just before she starts crying... and I didn't feel anything. I felt like I should feel bad, feel something, but.... I just turned away and kept walking. I feel really bad for it, but... She broke the friendship through all her lies and unwillingness to improve her own life, move forward, and fix the things she wanted to desperately to complain about. I have more sympathy for strangers than I did for someone who used to be one of my closest friends at that moment. I feel bad that I don't feel worse, but... I just can't make myself feel like she doesn't deserve anything she gets for the lifestyle she's chosen... She lied and lost all of her true friends who really cared, and now has a whole host of people who doesn't really care and are all out for their own self interest... I wish I could say I didn't think she deserves being kicked out of her house, I wish I could say I miss her, I wish I could say I wish we were still friends, but I can't... I don't believe any of it... I just can't make myself care anymore.

Conversations... With the wrong person? - Lauren

Sorry to make a second post. This only just got to me.

Sometimes... When I talk to people like Nilsa or Montanna... we get into these really deep, or really personal conversations, about who we like, or family, or friends, or just things going on in out lives. Which is awesome, I love having those conversations. I think it's really important that we do, because I might go crazy without talking about some of that stuff. but... Sometimes I can't help feeling as if I were talking to the wrong person. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't want to talk to them or have the conversations, but... Aren't these conversations you're supposed to have with your best friend? I haven't had one of these with her Except about our problems with eachother for over a year, and real ones, that weren't affected by whatever weirdness she's going through and her cell phone ringing for texts every 30 seconds (She answered too) for far longer. I miss her, as she used to be. I miss US as WE used to be. She avoids talking to me sometimes because she can't deal with the drama. It's like she forgot that I'm not all drama, that there is a huge part of me that hates drama, and would LOVE to talk about other things, and an even bigger part that just loves her and wants to talk about ANYTHING with her, even if it's the weather. She's my best friend and my sister, but sometimes I really wonder how close we are anymore, and it breaks my heart because I really... I don't know what I would do without her, who I would be... When I promised Best Friends Forever, I meant it. I wonder sometimes if she did. I love her, and I know she has a lot of problems, but she won't tell me ANYTHING. I understand it's not in her nature to share everything, but she's always said I was the exception, and I was until recently. She won't even tell me when she's got a new girlfriend, or a broken heart, or is sick, or in the hospital, and all of those things happen a lot. I love my best friend, I need her, but it's like she's moved on without me, leaving me begging for her to come back, and she just Won't. She says she's here and won't go anywhere, but even when she's Here she's distant and evasive. And it really doesn't help that It's been over a year since I saw her. I was rather down on the fourth because All I could think about was being with her last fourth of july and seeing fireworks, and getting our faces painted, my mother took us but we ignored her for the most part. I just.... I miss her so much, and sometimes I wonder if I even cross her mind at all when I'm not bothering her constantly...

How does this happen? - Lauren

What do you do when one of the people closest to your heart honestly tells you that talking to you is pissing her off?

Shea's been ignoring everyone since summer started, and we've all been seriously worried about her. She won't talk to most people, and when she does it's short 1-3 word texts which on a general basis she hates. We all know something's wrong, but she Wouldn't tell anyone. I talked to her today all cheerful and wanting to see her, and she tells me talking to me is pissing her off and this: "And I'm not going to the park tomorrow, despite being free, because that's all your friends, and I'm well aware of the fact that they would much prefer to not talk to me. I don't care anymore, Lauren. I just don't." and Logs off. I talked to Marlena and she said she'd talked to Shea earlier that day and she said that Shea "basically feels unwanted and ignored. She thinks people intentionally exclude her." even though I keep inviting her to things and every time i talked to her i said i wanted to see her. I don't understand her tantrum, Me, Jenny, Joe, Gerda, Dylan, we've all been wanting to talk to her, but she won't, and I don't understand how she feels ignored when she's ignoring us.

I really don't know how to feel or what to do when someone I really cares about decides I suck and I'm not worth talking to. It really, seriously sucks, and I feel like crap because of it. I don't know what to do, there's really nothing I can do, but sit here and wait.

I hate waiting.

I hate feeling like this.

I need a break from the break...