You know, I've never much liked the part of me that when someone says something or something occurs to me... It just, Sticks, in my mind. It won't go away, it comes up when I'm thinking about other things, My brain creates weird daydreams of what could happen in that situation, every feeling I could naturally have on the person or situation, It's just frustrating and confusing when I can't think of anything else.
I've always been like that, always focused (So much so it's hard to sleep), always thinking, always fixated. Dad thinks I just sit around, but really I'm always engaged, always thinking, always puzzling or mulling things over in my head like the impossible rubix cube in my head that no amounts of logarithms can solve. He thinks I'm Lazy and contented to sit around and do nothing, but honestly... when I'm actually being lazy is when he's got the TV on and I'm watching because there's nothing else to do! I like Anime, and School, and books... Because they get me out of my head, let me stop THINKING for a little while. Dad knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and is a genius at figuring people out, but the one thing I ever really tried to hide from him he never guessed, and he doesn't realize how much I WISH sometimes I could just relax and space out. But no, I can't space out, I get so Frelling BORED. Because my brain Doesn't. Ever. Shut. Up. I can't sleep, I can't do anything else... I just think and do mindless crafts like knitting that allow me to get something done while I think. I tend to knit and watch anime while I think, so that I can stay busy, content, and not bored.
I hate summer.
It's so much easier to get bored when I'm home for three months.
The other problem, I Always -always- over-analyze things.
I watch a movie, and unless I try really hard I'm thinking out different paths it can go and how the movie will end, who will end up with who... I love surprises, I love to be swept away in it, so usually I try to turn it off. But... Then dad says 'don't jump to conclusions, you have to analyze and really THINK about the movie' but I'm trying hard not to most of the time, I just want to watch it and learn it's lesson. But I always try to find the moral of the story, I dislike movies without a real moral or lesson to tell you.
Someone tells me someone likes me, or they like someone, two friends are going out, or anything like that, I obsess over it, I watch the people, I think about it, I try to work it out in my head. I try to figure out (if it's someone else) If I like the person they've chosen, if I think they match, on and on my brain whirrs. If I'm told someone likes me (Which I have been twice, once They were right but he moved, the second I dunno if I believe yet) I can't stop thinking about that person, if I like them, if we have fun together, how long we can talk without getting bored, how much we have in common, why they would like me (I have long-dormant issues that have made me believe that no one could really like me... Long story...), and if it's the first one, Who they could be and what my reaction could be depending on who it was. Someone *CoughNilsaCough* Brings up people when she's trying to set me up, and I think about it... A LOT. Cuz again, brain doesn't shut up.
But you know... for all I complain, I am who I am, and I wouldn't change anything about me for the world. That's who I am, and either I'll do something about it myself, or it will stay that way. I'm smart, I think a LOT. It's who I am. Frustrating as it can be, I'm comfortable with that
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Missing Her - Lauren
It's been a year now since I last saw my best friend. She came down last June and stayed for three weeks. I miss her so much... She's my best friend, my sister, my shoulder to lean on when things get rough, she's like my other half, and I miss her so much... I would do anything to have her back here and away from her hateful parents. I want her back here with me. <\3 she should be here. It's where she belongs. And now... Instead of sending her down for some part of the summer her dad wants us to wait till Christmas break? And I don't know if I see my dad being cool with that. She's my sister, being with her on Christmas would be the greatest, but my dads very big on family time. Which is good generally, but I consider Sam some of my closest family, and he does not. >> I don't want to have to wait until Christmas time to maybe see her... I want my best friend back. Now.
Monday, June 14, 2010
SO Symbolical -Nilsa
So yesterday I was playing a video game. "Super Smash Bros: Brawl." Ever heard of it? I was at some party. The only person my age locked himself away in his room, all the adults knew eachother, and were also smoking, and my mom was there with Irwin so I wanted to give them some time alone. Thus, I played video games with the children! I honestly didn't mind.
Most of the time I played as Zelda, like I always do, and was generally kicking buttocks. The 12-er-13-year-old kid was pretty darn good though. It pretty much always ended up just him versus me (the others had ran out of "lives") and I probably won a ratio of 1:3 games. Yes, that is the way that I think. At one point, I transformed into Sheik (Zelda's alter ego) for a bit, if only to confuse the little boy who was trying to figure out how to play.
"Who's that?" He asked. "Sheik," I said, "She's Zelda's alter ego!" I said this last part in a mysterious voice. Nobody really could of guessed that my mind was far off, back in the old days of playing "Super Smash Bros: Melee" at my best friend's house. She used to play as Kirby, but one day she saw me become Sheik and decided that playing as her looked awesome. I didn't like this for some reason, but I tried to take it as a complement. I remembered her occasionally switching to Zelda and saying "Fighting Fire with Fire" under her breath. I tried to do the same thing after a few hours, but she got quiet and started attacking harder, so I switched back.
Now here I was. Playing Super Smash with a whole new crowd. In the next round, after I had taken a shot with Sheik, my main competitior (12-er-13-kid) decided to try her out. She is pretty tough, after all.
Lemme tell you something real quick, before I move on: In 7th grade, I had the 5th highest GPA of the year. The only other girl who beat me was her, and I cheered very, very loud. Whenever we would both make friends with the same girl, I would be second on her list of Myspace "Heros." She would be first. Get the picture? Now back to the story:
The scene was all too familiar. Sheik violently kicked Zelda up in the air repeatedly, finding her weakness. We fought and fought. Sheik occasionally wasted one or two of Zelda's lives. I chased her around if she ever left me, and we would fight again, throwing any other character who got in our way of the screen with the push of a button. In the end, of course, it was just us, battling it out for the high chair, the queendom. We each had only one life left. We had to be careful. Each move was carefully planned out as we flew across the screen together, back and forth. Then there was a moment of silence. I was on the far left of the screen, her on the right. She picked up an arrow, and began to walk toward me. I tried to throw fire at her, but messed up repeatedly. I could feel the end coming near, but I still had hope. I still tried to use Zelda's magic to knock her down just one more time. I turned around, beginning an elaborate, time consuming move. She approached me, and quickly, with no change of facial expression what-so-ever, not even having to think about it... stabbed me in the back.
I got second place.
Happy Summer!
Most of the time I played as Zelda, like I always do, and was generally kicking buttocks. The 12-er-13-year-old kid was pretty darn good though. It pretty much always ended up just him versus me (the others had ran out of "lives") and I probably won a ratio of 1:3 games. Yes, that is the way that I think. At one point, I transformed into Sheik (Zelda's alter ego) for a bit, if only to confuse the little boy who was trying to figure out how to play.
"Who's that?" He asked. "Sheik," I said, "She's Zelda's alter ego!" I said this last part in a mysterious voice. Nobody really could of guessed that my mind was far off, back in the old days of playing "Super Smash Bros: Melee" at my best friend's house. She used to play as Kirby, but one day she saw me become Sheik and decided that playing as her looked awesome. I didn't like this for some reason, but I tried to take it as a complement. I remembered her occasionally switching to Zelda and saying "Fighting Fire with Fire" under her breath. I tried to do the same thing after a few hours, but she got quiet and started attacking harder, so I switched back.
Now here I was. Playing Super Smash with a whole new crowd. In the next round, after I had taken a shot with Sheik, my main competitior (12-er-13-kid) decided to try her out. She is pretty tough, after all.
Lemme tell you something real quick, before I move on: In 7th grade, I had the 5th highest GPA of the year. The only other girl who beat me was her, and I cheered very, very loud. Whenever we would both make friends with the same girl, I would be second on her list of Myspace "Heros." She would be first. Get the picture? Now back to the story:
The scene was all too familiar. Sheik violently kicked Zelda up in the air repeatedly, finding her weakness. We fought and fought. Sheik occasionally wasted one or two of Zelda's lives. I chased her around if she ever left me, and we would fight again, throwing any other character who got in our way of the screen with the push of a button. In the end, of course, it was just us, battling it out for the high chair, the queendom. We each had only one life left. We had to be careful. Each move was carefully planned out as we flew across the screen together, back and forth. Then there was a moment of silence. I was on the far left of the screen, her on the right. She picked up an arrow, and began to walk toward me. I tried to throw fire at her, but messed up repeatedly. I could feel the end coming near, but I still had hope. I still tried to use Zelda's magic to knock her down just one more time. I turned around, beginning an elaborate, time consuming move. She approached me, and quickly, with no change of facial expression what-so-ever, not even having to think about it... stabbed me in the back.
I got second place.
Happy Summer!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
How does this happen? - Lauren
What do you do when one of the people closest to your heart honestly tells you that talking to you is pissing her off?
Shea's been ignoring everyone since summer started, and we've all been seriously worried about her. She won't talk to most people, and when she does it's short 1-3 word texts which on a general basis she hates. We all know something's wrong, but she Wouldn't tell anyone. I talked to her today all cheerful and wanting to see her, and she tells me talking to me is pissing her off and this: "And I'm not going to the park tomorrow, despite being free, because that's all your friends, and I'm well aware of the fact that they would much prefer to not talk to me. I don't care anymore, Lauren. I just don't." and Logs off. I talked to Marlena and she said she'd talked to Shea earlier that day and she said that Shea "basically feels unwanted and ignored. She thinks people intentionally exclude her." even though I keep inviting her to things and every time i talked to her i said i wanted to see her. I don't understand her tantrum, Me, Jenny, Joe, Gerda, Dylan, we've all been wanting to talk to her, but she won't, and I don't understand how she feels ignored when she's ignoring us.
I really don't know how to feel or what to do when someone I really cares about decides I suck and I'm not worth talking to. It really, seriously sucks, and I feel like crap because of it. I don't know what to do, there's really nothing I can do, but sit here and wait.
I hate waiting.
I hate feeling like this.
I need a break from the break...
Shea's been ignoring everyone since summer started, and we've all been seriously worried about her. She won't talk to most people, and when she does it's short 1-3 word texts which on a general basis she hates. We all know something's wrong, but she Wouldn't tell anyone. I talked to her today all cheerful and wanting to see her, and she tells me talking to me is pissing her off and this: "And I'm not going to the park tomorrow, despite being free, because that's all your friends, and I'm well aware of the fact that they would much prefer to not talk to me. I don't care anymore, Lauren. I just don't." and Logs off. I talked to Marlena and she said she'd talked to Shea earlier that day and she said that Shea "basically feels unwanted and ignored. She thinks people intentionally exclude her." even though I keep inviting her to things and every time i talked to her i said i wanted to see her. I don't understand her tantrum, Me, Jenny, Joe, Gerda, Dylan, we've all been wanting to talk to her, but she won't, and I don't understand how she feels ignored when she's ignoring us.
I really don't know how to feel or what to do when someone I really cares about decides I suck and I'm not worth talking to. It really, seriously sucks, and I feel like crap because of it. I don't know what to do, there's really nothing I can do, but sit here and wait.
I hate waiting.
I hate feeling like this.
I need a break from the break...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
My Summer - Lauren
My summer's been interesting. Thursday before we got out of school i went on an adventure in the park with Gerda Karen Stephanie and Jenny, Saturday was Graduation, I went with Choir and sang the nation anthem, I hung out with all my amazing choir friends before, it was awesome. my choir friends are the best. XD I can't wait for Acapella next year. And I cried, a really good friend i've known forever and the guy i like were graduating. Sunday Jenny had a pool party only attended by Me, Kristina, and Paul. I had briefly met Kristina before, but hadn't talked to her much and never met Paul, Kristina hadn't either, but we all got along really well. Then I did absolutely nothing for an entire week but hang out with my family and watch farscape, and i was BORED OUT OF MY MIND. then yesterday Kristina Paul and I got together at Kristina's house and hung out, I found out I suck really bad at first person shooter video games (Halo and Gears of war at least), we went for a walk, just hung out. Then they got into a cotton candy fight. It was a little odd because I get the feeling they like eachother, but haven't necessarily noticed it yet. I felt a bit like the third wheel (a feeling i'm getting tired of feeling). Then today we were all supposed to hang out again, but Montanna kidnapped me to go and hang out with her and Argenis, we went on an adventure to marble falls and went berry picking. XD then we made pocket pies with them. It was yummy. Apperantly Gerda and Dylan showed up at my house while i was out to see if i wanted to go get smoothies with them (which is awesome because Dylan's nickname is Smoothie) but i was at Montanna's house baking. >< The only day i'm busy, everyone wants to see me. Oy.
Things at home have been weird, we're completely broke and it's stressing everyone out to a major level, I have been trying to get out of the house as much as possible. But it doesn't work so well. ><
My best friend (who lives in Louisiana) is going into the hospital tomorrow for surgery on her knee, yet again (She broke it once and it never healed right, now about every six months or less it acts up again and they have to go in and fix it), and that's got me nervous as all hell. I wish I could be there for her more than anything. When we were little, every time she'd get sick I'd bake her cookies and walk them down to her house, one time through a thunder storm. I was always there when she needed me, when she was sick, and she for me, but now... It's like I don't even know until After, and I hate it. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her since last summer. We're both broke so we don't think we can get anywhere. It sucks so much, I wish more than anything else I could be with her when she wakes up from her surgery. I really, really do. I don't know what I'd do without her, She's my everything.
The guy I like is moving this summer, leaving in august, but while as a friend I'm bothered that he's leaving, I'm ok with the 'just friends' pact we talked out. Since he's leaving and such. I told him I liked him, he had indirectly told me he did before when we went on the blind date montanna set up with 'someone who likes me' (her words), but we're staying just friends. I think I'm ok with it, I mean... There are a couple of things about him that bug me. He's catholic, which comes with a mess of stuff including a deep distaste for gays, and considering I'm an athiest and my best friend is a lesbian... I'm not so ok with that. and he uses the word Nigga a lot, jokingly, but it's weird. I think I'm ok with everything. Stressed out in general, but ok. =)
Things at home have been weird, we're completely broke and it's stressing everyone out to a major level, I have been trying to get out of the house as much as possible. But it doesn't work so well. ><
My best friend (who lives in Louisiana) is going into the hospital tomorrow for surgery on her knee, yet again (She broke it once and it never healed right, now about every six months or less it acts up again and they have to go in and fix it), and that's got me nervous as all hell. I wish I could be there for her more than anything. When we were little, every time she'd get sick I'd bake her cookies and walk them down to her house, one time through a thunder storm. I was always there when she needed me, when she was sick, and she for me, but now... It's like I don't even know until After, and I hate it. I miss her so much. I haven't seen her since last summer. We're both broke so we don't think we can get anywhere. It sucks so much, I wish more than anything else I could be with her when she wakes up from her surgery. I really, really do. I don't know what I'd do without her, She's my everything.
The guy I like is moving this summer, leaving in august, but while as a friend I'm bothered that he's leaving, I'm ok with the 'just friends' pact we talked out. Since he's leaving and such. I told him I liked him, he had indirectly told me he did before when we went on the blind date montanna set up with 'someone who likes me' (her words), but we're staying just friends. I think I'm ok with it, I mean... There are a couple of things about him that bug me. He's catholic, which comes with a mess of stuff including a deep distaste for gays, and considering I'm an athiest and my best friend is a lesbian... I'm not so ok with that. and he uses the word Nigga a lot, jokingly, but it's weird. I think I'm ok with everything. Stressed out in general, but ok. =)
Summer! -Nilsa
So, it's summer. It's okay, but of course not as great as I thought it would be. People are always busy. One person I suspect just doesn't want to see my and others... well it's complicated.
Matt still hasn't called me, by the way. Sleeping late is pretty grand. I really just want a job to get my mind off of things.
I'm mostly just thinking, occasionally reading. I've yet to play my guitar. I should go play right now and yet... I'm still typing. I dunno. Talking on the phone with Brianna is fun, but I'm starting to worry: will she ever find a guy that I really approve of? I mean, it's only my opinion, but for real, I want her to find Mr. Perfect... someone who she can last at least a month with without him causing worthless drama.
I've been to the mall once, been to Fah's house twice. I've thought about highschool, and written some poems about middle school and other stuff. It's a satisfactory summer, but if only it could be a perfect one! Maybe if I had the money to go to Massachusetts... all my friends there are so casual (and so are their parents!). Like, *ring-ring!* "Hey, wanna hang out?---- Cool be there in five!" Hanging downtown is amazing; they have no idea how lucky they are.
Matt still hasn't called me, by the way. Sleeping late is pretty grand. I really just want a job to get my mind off of things.
I'm mostly just thinking, occasionally reading. I've yet to play my guitar. I should go play right now and yet... I'm still typing. I dunno. Talking on the phone with Brianna is fun, but I'm starting to worry: will she ever find a guy that I really approve of? I mean, it's only my opinion, but for real, I want her to find Mr. Perfect... someone who she can last at least a month with without him causing worthless drama.
I've been to the mall once, been to Fah's house twice. I've thought about highschool, and written some poems about middle school and other stuff. It's a satisfactory summer, but if only it could be a perfect one! Maybe if I had the money to go to Massachusetts... all my friends there are so casual (and so are their parents!). Like, *ring-ring!* "Hey, wanna hang out?---- Cool be there in five!" Hanging downtown is amazing; they have no idea how lucky they are.
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