Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Melancholy... Part One - Lauren
I've been in a rather dark mood for the last week or so. I can't seem to get all the way awake or all the way happy. Since last Sunday night when everything blew up with one of my closest friends. Watching a very long term relationship entirely self destruct is really hard when you get to sit in the parking lot waiting for it to happen and completely helpless. I hate being helpless. A lot. I just... I won't go into details for her sake, but it was really bad at the time, she got kicked out of her apartment, and was supposed to move all her shit out and get out, except she's still there now and it's been a week. She keeps up appearances like she hates being there and wants to get out, but I know she doesn't. She hates how he is to her, but I'm pretty sure she thinks she deserves it. She said in the car last night "I think I have no choice, I think I have to hate myself." And that really hurt, I feel like she's slowly imploding and I can't do anything to help her, because she won't let me. I can give her all the fucking advice in the world and she still goes home every night and sleeps in the same bed as this asshole who kicks her out every couple months. I'm really seriously worried about her, she talks constantly about how she is too stressed, and when last night I said she needed to be less stressed she told me the least stressed option was death. I responded with "Not for everyone else." and she told me that it would probably only be like a month before everyone forgot about her. I know for a fact that she is wrong. If I care enough about her to more than likely live with her when I graduate (assuming she doesn't do something really stupid or move to Ireland and refuse to come home) I sure as hell would mind if she killed herself. I don't... I don't know how to deal with her. she makes me feel so helpless and useless, she won't let me help, and I don't know what to do with that. I just... I miss us being happy. hell, I miss just me being happy. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of frowning/ I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of freaking out when I miss a text because It could be the message where she's freaking out. I'm just... Tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Maybe Because... - Lauren
Look. You say that the shit that happens in my life is unimportant, and if on ly i had the perspective to see that, and in 6 months i won't even remember what it was, and Your problems are so much worse because they are big adult problems... You don't even know half of what I'm dealing with.
Maybe I get so wound up in the drama because there is so much more than you think there is, and it's far less stupid Shit than you think it is.
Maybe I get so upset because (and I'll start small here) The people I thought I was done with are back, and wanting more, and while I know I can't give into them, It hurts to know that I am the one who ended things, who had to give up. I never wanted to be that person, and it stings to know that those people made me be that person. I hate them all the more for it, and I never wanted to hate... Love was always the center of my life, but apperantly I don't get that either.
Maybe the reason I have so much trouble ignoring the three of them is because I really did care about them as friends, especially Amanda, and the betrayal hurt all the more.
Maybe I feel like a piece of shit for ignoring Amanda's pleas for me to talk to her despite everything she's done to me and those around me and all the lies is because I never actually told her why I was ignoring her, why i was so pissed off, why i couldn't even stand to look at her anymore. Maybe i feel like crap because I never wanted to be that girl. I really... really didn't.
Maybe it's because You keep teasing me about how I need to get a boyfriend, and you actually didn't believe me when I said (after you'd asked) no one had ever asked me out or even told me they liked me. It really doesn't help. It's like you think I don't care, like it doesn't bother me that everyone gets to be in love but me, and No one even seems vaguely interested. Sure, I'm comfortable being single, doesn't mean I like being teased about how I don't have a boyfriend! It most certainly doesn't help.
Maybe it's because I live with three males, who are always angsting, My brother is an angsty emo shit who is going to get himself into loads of trouble, and I can do nothing to stop him, and my best friend made me promise to stop meddling. My uncle is a hermit who is usually in a rank mood and hates people. My dad is always stressed about money, life, health, being alone, my mother, my brother, my uncle, work, sleep, everything...
Maybe it's because my dad manages to make me feel like everything is my fault. I want to go to the mall tomorrow with some friends from camp, and that means (because though i tried, I have no alternative ride) he has to wake up at 6:30 to take my uncle to work on his day off so that he has control of the one car we have so he can take me, but he has sleep apnea so he doesn't get enough sleep and it exhausts him to wake up that early, and It's my fault i wanted to do anything, then when conflict arises it's my fault I can't even be happy at he fact that he's making himself miserable so i can go to the mall and goof off, and Then it's my fault this can't turn into a positive conversation, now it's going to end badly. It's always my fault.
Maybe it's because my brother is getting himself into all sorts of shit. He's trying to get back with his Off-her-rocker Ex, instead of the really sweet SANE girl he's with now who made him stop cutting... as opposed to the other, who drinks other people's blood.
Maybe it's because I haven't seen my best friend in over a year now, even though I recently found out she's only 8 hours away...
Maybe it's because my best friend hardly speaks to me and when she does it's not for long.
Maybe it's because My best friend hasn't been my best friend since she moved on 4/7/08, and I can't come to terms with that because I love her more than I've ever loved anything, she's my sister and my other half, and the fact that she doesn't talk to me and has changed so much kills me. She's let hate take her over, let pain and suffering and woe become her new best friends, and she doesn't have time for the old one.
Maybe it's because my best friend is Always sick or injured, and is in and out of the hospital like it's nothing, and i never even know, and if i do it's nt till after if she decides it's important enough to tell me.
Maybe it's because every time i talk to me best friend, even if we're fighting, i have to end the conversation with how much i love her and miss her and want to see her, because I'm terrified above all else that she's going to get sick, or hurt, and be in the hospital, and I won't know until... it's too late... Or she'll go under for surgery and never come back out. It scares the shit out of me, and I could never live with myself if the last thing I were to say to her was about how angry i was. if the last conversation we had wasn't about how much i love her. if she died and doubted me at all.
Or maybe it's the fact that even more than that... I'm terrified that if i end a conversation on a note that seems like I don't care about her, she'll... lose the will to live. She'll stop fighting the next sickness, she won't move as fast as she could out of the way of that car, she.. will try to stop her own life because I wasn't there to save her.
Maybe the reason I get so defensive about my photos and am so adamant about taking so many is because I'm terrified of losing those I care about. Even just losing memories about them. Maybe the reason i get into fights with marlena about the photos of herself from Sam's goodbye party two and a half years ago that she hates is because that was the last time my best friend was my best friend, and now that she's edited out it's like a big black spot on my memory. And she can say it's not, but it is.
Maybe it's the fact that I can't tell you any of this because somehow you always manage to make me feel worse about it for feeling bad about it in the first place. because you'll just tell me i need new friends and i need to not let it get to me. because you'll tell me that i won't know any of these people after high school anyways.
Maybe THAT is the reason I just spent an hour in the shower, and only the last ten minutes in there showering. Maybe THAT is the reason I spent the other 45 minutes sitting on the rug crying my eyes out staring at the blue hair-dye hand print that Sam left on the inside of the bathroom cabinet that she my brother and I all signed, the last time she was my best friend, who I love and will always keep deep in my heart, instead of this callous un-emotional, depressing girl she's turned into.
I don't know how to deal with all of this. I can normally do ok, but everything's stacking up again and miraculously after not bothering me for weeks my back hurts and my shoulder muscles are hard as rocks again, The tension is murder, I don't know how to live like this. I've got to do something, but I don't know what...
Maybe I get so wound up in the drama because there is so much more than you think there is, and it's far less stupid Shit than you think it is.
Maybe I get so upset because (and I'll start small here) The people I thought I was done with are back, and wanting more, and while I know I can't give into them, It hurts to know that I am the one who ended things, who had to give up. I never wanted to be that person, and it stings to know that those people made me be that person. I hate them all the more for it, and I never wanted to hate... Love was always the center of my life, but apperantly I don't get that either.
Maybe the reason I have so much trouble ignoring the three of them is because I really did care about them as friends, especially Amanda, and the betrayal hurt all the more.
Maybe I feel like a piece of shit for ignoring Amanda's pleas for me to talk to her despite everything she's done to me and those around me and all the lies is because I never actually told her why I was ignoring her, why i was so pissed off, why i couldn't even stand to look at her anymore. Maybe i feel like crap because I never wanted to be that girl. I really... really didn't.
Maybe it's because You keep teasing me about how I need to get a boyfriend, and you actually didn't believe me when I said (after you'd asked) no one had ever asked me out or even told me they liked me. It really doesn't help. It's like you think I don't care, like it doesn't bother me that everyone gets to be in love but me, and No one even seems vaguely interested. Sure, I'm comfortable being single, doesn't mean I like being teased about how I don't have a boyfriend! It most certainly doesn't help.
Maybe it's because I live with three males, who are always angsting, My brother is an angsty emo shit who is going to get himself into loads of trouble, and I can do nothing to stop him, and my best friend made me promise to stop meddling. My uncle is a hermit who is usually in a rank mood and hates people. My dad is always stressed about money, life, health, being alone, my mother, my brother, my uncle, work, sleep, everything...
Maybe it's because my dad manages to make me feel like everything is my fault. I want to go to the mall tomorrow with some friends from camp, and that means (because though i tried, I have no alternative ride) he has to wake up at 6:30 to take my uncle to work on his day off so that he has control of the one car we have so he can take me, but he has sleep apnea so he doesn't get enough sleep and it exhausts him to wake up that early, and It's my fault i wanted to do anything, then when conflict arises it's my fault I can't even be happy at he fact that he's making himself miserable so i can go to the mall and goof off, and Then it's my fault this can't turn into a positive conversation, now it's going to end badly. It's always my fault.
Maybe it's because my brother is getting himself into all sorts of shit. He's trying to get back with his Off-her-rocker Ex, instead of the really sweet SANE girl he's with now who made him stop cutting... as opposed to the other, who drinks other people's blood.
Maybe it's because I haven't seen my best friend in over a year now, even though I recently found out she's only 8 hours away...
Maybe it's because my best friend hardly speaks to me and when she does it's not for long.
Maybe it's because My best friend hasn't been my best friend since she moved on 4/7/08, and I can't come to terms with that because I love her more than I've ever loved anything, she's my sister and my other half, and the fact that she doesn't talk to me and has changed so much kills me. She's let hate take her over, let pain and suffering and woe become her new best friends, and she doesn't have time for the old one.
Maybe it's because my best friend is Always sick or injured, and is in and out of the hospital like it's nothing, and i never even know, and if i do it's nt till after if she decides it's important enough to tell me.
Maybe it's because every time i talk to me best friend, even if we're fighting, i have to end the conversation with how much i love her and miss her and want to see her, because I'm terrified above all else that she's going to get sick, or hurt, and be in the hospital, and I won't know until... it's too late... Or she'll go under for surgery and never come back out. It scares the shit out of me, and I could never live with myself if the last thing I were to say to her was about how angry i was. if the last conversation we had wasn't about how much i love her. if she died and doubted me at all.
Or maybe it's the fact that even more than that... I'm terrified that if i end a conversation on a note that seems like I don't care about her, she'll... lose the will to live. She'll stop fighting the next sickness, she won't move as fast as she could out of the way of that car, she.. will try to stop her own life because I wasn't there to save her.
Maybe the reason I get so defensive about my photos and am so adamant about taking so many is because I'm terrified of losing those I care about. Even just losing memories about them. Maybe the reason i get into fights with marlena about the photos of herself from Sam's goodbye party two and a half years ago that she hates is because that was the last time my best friend was my best friend, and now that she's edited out it's like a big black spot on my memory. And she can say it's not, but it is.
Maybe it's the fact that I can't tell you any of this because somehow you always manage to make me feel worse about it for feeling bad about it in the first place. because you'll just tell me i need new friends and i need to not let it get to me. because you'll tell me that i won't know any of these people after high school anyways.
Maybe THAT is the reason I just spent an hour in the shower, and only the last ten minutes in there showering. Maybe THAT is the reason I spent the other 45 minutes sitting on the rug crying my eyes out staring at the blue hair-dye hand print that Sam left on the inside of the bathroom cabinet that she my brother and I all signed, the last time she was my best friend, who I love and will always keep deep in my heart, instead of this callous un-emotional, depressing girl she's turned into.
I don't know how to deal with all of this. I can normally do ok, but everything's stacking up again and miraculously after not bothering me for weeks my back hurts and my shoulder muscles are hard as rocks again, The tension is murder, I don't know how to live like this. I've got to do something, but I don't know what...
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