I haven't seen two of my best friends since school started. That's what, five weeks? Six? I get that we all have these completely separate, independent, new lives with new people and new interests. I totally understand how busy everyone probably is. But what I don't understand is this: I go to a magnet school, play soccer, have parties and classes and babysitting and clubs and church stuff to do, but it doesn't matter. I always make time for my friends, because that's what's important to me. And every time they wait til Saturday morning to tell me oops, sorry I have this thing to go to, I can't make it to the movies, or the drag, or the frozen yogurt place, I feel like I'm the only one fighting for us to stay friends. I know how hard it is to keep up your friendships from other schools, I have so been there before, but I thought maybe this would be different. I know it would be, if they would make some kind of effort to even just maybe call me once in a while or, hell, even send me an email, instead of me always starting the IM conversations and making the weekend plans I know they're going to ditch at the last minute.
Even being told they don't have time for me and to stop calling would be preferable to this unsure almost game. I could stop bothering them and get back to my life if they would just tell me where we stand. I'm so used to losing friends. It's become kind of a routine almost. Sure I have a few best friends I've had since forever, but it seems like everyone else has come and gone in exactly the same way. We become friends, they suddenly get other, cooler friends and straddle two groups for a while, then they completely ditch me. To put it lamely and cliche-ly, t's like I'm a rung on the social ladder, like oh, you have to step on Claudia to get to the next level up.
A couple of years ago it was this girl. It was one of those crazy fast friendships where you spend some time gossiping in math class, you show up at one party together, and you're suddenly best friends who sleep on each other's floors all weekend and show up on Monday with matching newly red hair.
She was seriously probably the best friend I ever had. Not because we shared diaries and told each other our deepest secrets and cried together, cause that shit ain't real bro, but because we were both a little crazy and we made each other crazier and we pushed each other to this point where when I was around her I was this insane version of myself that I've never seen before or since. We snuck out, we went skinny dipping, we walked on the railroad tracks and climbed trains, we stole parking lot signs, we listened to screamo, we set off fireworks, explored in the creek, dyed our hair, played spin the bottle, drank and wore eyeliner that dripped down our cheeks.
So in a way, when we just kind of fizzled out, I didn't just lose her, I lost me, too. At least, that insane me. And I miss that. It's amazing how many people I miss due to my own inability to let people know that I want them to stay. I guess that's why I'm trying so hard with my other friends, with this different high schools thing. We're making cupcake plans for Friday and maybe it will actually work out this time.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Meltdown... - Lauren
I really don't feel like re-typing everything, so if you care... here's the huge meltdown I just had in chat form with courtney. >.>
courtney: (:how're you dahling?
me: >:(
9:41 PM I'm grumpy tired and frustrated. ><
9:42 PM Stupid homework I don't get that I can't turn in late, Stupid people making me feel bad for telling them I didn't approve of an idea, stupid weak-ness that means everytime i do any exercise all my muscles hurt
:(
courtney: ):
wanna talk about any of it?
9:45 PM me: Ugh... I dunno, I'm just frustrated and PMSing on top of it. I feel like I'm gonna cry......
Over nothing
courtney: ooh..):
well.
I'm here for yah, babe : )
me: :,)
9:46 PM I just don't wanna deal with any of this shit right now, I had a really long weekend and would very much like to sleep, but that's the one thing I don't get to do. >.>
courtney: aw ):
that's so sad.
I'm so sorry ):
9:47 PM me: Yeah... I hate this, it happens every couple of months. It'll alternate that my PMS is barely noticeable, to the next month it's a total bitch and I'm crying over everything and picking fights I don't mean to pick, and i hurt, and I'm always tired, and it just sucks........
9:48 PM I'm also just getting completely frustrated with being unable to do anything...
In a lot of different ways
9:50 PM I can't leave the house without begging someone else to take me or walking in the 90 degree weather, And I always feel bad making people go out of their way to get me for things...
9:52 PM I'm in personal fitness again because my credit didn't count before due to starting late, and it's completely kicking my ass and I get to completely fail at everything we do beause I just can't do it, and she gives me these awful looks because she thiniks I'm just giving up, but I really can't do it, and everyone else gets to watch me not be able to do it... and it sucks. And I always hurt now from it. my legs haven't stopped hurting in three weeks.
9:54 PM I can't freaking figure out how to do this homework, My english class is kicking my ass too, i think I'm failing right now. And it's not because my teacher is bad, it's just because I can't figure it out. I read these passages and just stared at them blankly. we're readings stuff in class and I just stare at it. I can't figure out how to write what we're writing, and it just... I just can't figure out what I'm doing.
courtney: ):
9:55 PM I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what you're doing, and physical fitness sucks balls.
most physical classes do.
but I mean,
you're just having a rough time.
I'm here for you(:
and I know how you feel, because that was my entire sophmore year.
I failed so badly.
I failed pretty much every class.
9:56 PM me: I guess this is going to sound bad, but I'm... not used to failing.
9:58 PM And especially in my AP Englsh class, the one thing I was always good at but now am always shown how much I am not good, they're always talking about college and what amazing college they're going to, and al the awesome AP classes and Scores on these super hard tests, and I just... I have to probably take a year off t get any money at all to even go to college, and I am more than likely going to ACC because it's all I can afford, Among most people I feel good about myself, and among these people I'm the bottom of the heap, scraping the barrel. I feel like crap and I don't know what to do about it...
9:59 PM courtney: well, I know how you feel.
but I mean,
you can get past failing.
10:00 PM you can pass your classes.
sure
it's kind of hard
but you can do it.
you're a smart person(:
and pass,
just to show those people
how smart you are(:
prove 'em all wrong!
10:01 PM me: It's not just that though.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life! Everyone seems to have these awesome plans... And I just hate thinking about it because I just don't know.
10:02 PM I don't want school to end
I don't want me entire life as I know it to be over
I don't want to spend a year doing nothing when everyone is going on to college
I don't want to have to change everything again
I hate bug life changes
I hate being uprooted and not knowing where I stand or what I'm doing
10:03 PM I don't want to do this
but again
no choice
10:04 PM courtney: but you'll figure it out(:
chase your passion.
what do you LOVE?
what are you good at? (:
you can do something with that!
10:05 PM me: The only thing I really love is singing and helping my friends, but you can't rely on music as a career and psychiatry requires many years of expensive schooling
courtney: yeah I hear that |:
I wanna be a criminologist.
but since that's a branch of psychology and sociology I'm gonna have to go for a minimum of like 8 years.
10:06 PM me: And I don't even have enough money to go to dinner.
I don't know how to do this
I completely feel like I've failed at my whole life
10:07 PM every little kid had all these hopes and dreams of what they wanted to do, and I didn't... I just sang and lived. I don't remember most of my childhood life because I didn't do anything. i was homeschooled and sat in my room for most of my life
10:09 PM And even choir is making me feel completely inferior. I know I can sing, but apperantly everyone else can sing better. I couldn't even make one solo in three years of the mediocre groups, let alone in one of the better groups. I made Chamber Choir which is awesome, but I really don't feel like a part of the group, or of acapella. I don't really talk to anyone, i just sit off to the side and then sing my part. I'm working on it, but choir was the only highlight a lot of the time, but that combined with the fact that I can't really stand our new choir teacher means i's not as great....
10:10 PM I love to sing, so much, but I can't get through a line without being yelled at and told how much we have to improve to be good.
10:12 PM courtney: ):
maybe...you're just a late bloomer.
everyone got their dreams early
you'll find yours (:
I promise you will.
and you haven't failed life, because if you did, you'd be dead, but you're not, because I won't let you because I love you too much to let anything bad happen ):
and if you need the money, you're probs gonna need a job, and make moneys D:
10:13 PM me: But I don't have a car or any way to reliably get to a job.
Thank you though....
It really does help. <3
I really could just use a hug right now. 10:14 PM But my best friend lives 8 hours away, and the closest friend who i think would come see me lives in hutto
10:15 PM courtney: ):
I'm going to
come to your house
a weekend
and give you
the biggest and bestest hug
EVER.
with sprinkles.
me: Haha, <3
10:16 PM But Somehow I'm so freaking busy.
I don't get to relax again till november.
Scare has my out every weekend
:(
10:17 PM courtney: : (
THEN I SHALL VISIT YOU
IN NOVEMBER.
and give you the biggest and bestest hug with sprinkles.
10:18 PM me: Hahaha. <3
I don't wanna wait till november. :(
Maybe you come to scare one day and I kidnaps you home with me
courtney: <3
maybe:)
that could works.
but doesn't your dad not like
spending the night?
10:19 PM I mean I could probs ask to be picked up that very day but I dunno o:
me: But he let jim stay the whole weekend at brandon's and I haven't asked in ages... Maybe he'll let me. hug
courtney: hmm maybe(:
<3
we'll have to see.
just be like
10:20 PM "dude. who wouldn't want god to grace our presence for a night?"
me: Haha. ^_^;;
That's another big issue, I am getting so seriously fed up with my family. They are driving me completely insane.
I cna't wait to be out of here, but I don't want to leave.
10:21 PM courtney: why don't you wanna leave?
I wanna leave so badly.
10:24 PM me: I just don't want to like... leave my house and everything that's happened here. I'm worried about living alone, I need a roommate, but I don't know who to ask because I get really fed up with a lot of my friends after a while. I couldn't live with shea, we couldn't do a week at her house, let alone living together. we both get too high strung. I was going to go with Montanna, we'd both talked about it when she was going to leave mike, but I seriously doubt that's happening, they seem to have reconciled at least not enough for her to leave him... Sam is going to live in Dallas to go to med school, and that's too far for me to move... I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. :(
10:25 PM I feel alone a lot
even though I know I'm not
10:26 PM courtney: ):
see
I could handle being alone
I've been alone my entire life
but you can find someone I promise(: <3
10:28 PM me: there's also the issue where I've completely failed in the relationship department... I don't know what I did, but somehow I'm the girl who's one of the guys and doesn't ever date and no one is interested in, People keep making reasons why, but there are always reasons and excuses I don't know.... I must've done something wrong, but I don't know what, and I think it's too late to fix it.
10:29 PM courtney: never too late(:
I've always been that ugly chick.
but I mean.
10:30 PM I've changed I think.
I mean, I'm still not liked
but it's alright I sppose
*suppose
10:32 PM me: But you're not ugly! You're adorable. And at least you have been though, I mean... I don't even mean people don't always like me, as far as I know no one has ever liked me, and if they have they never did enough to say something to me about it. No one. Ever. I feel like there's something wrong with that. I like people, it happens, but nobody ever likes me back. Often they like my friends instead, which is the suck...
I dunno, I guess I really do feel like I'm just not good enough......
10:33 PM I don't even know for what, but i can't think of anything I've accomplished, anything I've really dont...
*done
I don't DO anythin...
courtney: but you are(:
trust me dear, my life has been liking people and them never liking me pack.
hell, I've even been played, pretty much.
then go out and have your own adventures(:
be yourself.
10:34 PM people should like you for YOU and not like you for someone you're not(:
10:37 PM me: I know that last part, I do... But i guess I feel like there's too much ME and no one wants to look far enough to learn that much about me. :( And hell... This is going to sounds really bad but I don't mean it to be, At least someone liked you enough to try to play you. The most interest anyone's ever shown in me was he agreed to go on one date with me because montanna told him he had to go, because he told her brother I was cool, and she'd been trying to hook me up. That, and our awesome but slightly pervy friend who loves to jokingly hold people's hands and make jokes about stuff, but is completely uninterested for real, and has told me that I am one of the guys.. =/
10:38 PM courtney: man.
I used to be one of the guys.
like
so hardcore
in like elementary school.
but I mean
you can grow out of it.
I'm not really "one of the guys"
10:39 PM but I'm not "one of the girls" either.
I'm kind of my own person.
but I dunno broski.
you'll find someone I promise(:
10:41 PM but y'know,
you have been liked.
sam liked you.
but I mean, you don't...roll that way.
but I mean, you can be liked.
(:
10:42 PM me: I honestly think sometimes that being homeschooled may've fucked part of me up. I was made to be very social and have people around me, and I sat in my room for a long time. I didn't do anything, I had very few friends. I've always said that I grew up too fast, I wasn't really a kid for that long, but... I think part of me grew up really slow. So the part of me that started liking boys didn't show up at all until a while ago, and by then I'd already messed something up.... I dunno... >>
10:44 PM and yeah, she says so, but I really think (and with my logical mind not my reactionary mind) that she really just knew I would always be there for her, she wanted someone she could always trust, in essence she wants someone like me. but... I don't think she likes me so much, just the fact that I never left her, when everyone else did. She only liked me after she's been broken a million times... I mean, I just think it was a reaction,i if that makes any sense
courtney: ):
well.
I don't see why people couldn't like you
you're absolutely adorable and amazing.
10:45 PM and if people can't see that they deserve to be spited.
me: And isn't it a little sad that the only person who's ever liked me is my female best friend? Just a little?
courtney: I grew up too fast, too, that's most likely why I'm so childish.
not really?
my friend kathryn liked/likes me a lot, I don't know if she still does.
I haven't been liked by a lot of people, I don't think.
10:46 PM that was in middle school where people just follow the leader.
me: but you didn't grow up with her calling eachother sisters. >.>
Yeah........
I dunno... <,<
courtney: no, but we are that close kind of.
I dunno brotato, but you'll find someone I promise<3
we both will.
just gotta wait for that one person that can handle you at your worst:)
so far there's only been...
three people that have done that.
but one's 23,
10:47 PM the other was afraid of being a "pedo"
and the other played me.
me: :)
that's sad.....
courtney: bahaha
yeah.
kind of.
(Skip some irrelevant rambling convo here)
courtney: I mean
(So yeah... there's that. I'm going to sleep this off now and hope I have enough Energy to wake up tomorrow. :C )
courtney: (:how're you dahling?
me: >:(
9:41 PM I'm grumpy tired and frustrated. ><
9:42 PM Stupid homework I don't get that I can't turn in late, Stupid people making me feel bad for telling them I didn't approve of an idea, stupid weak-ness that means everytime i do any exercise all my muscles hurt
:(
courtney: ):
wanna talk about any of it?
9:45 PM me: Ugh... I dunno, I'm just frustrated and PMSing on top of it. I feel like I'm gonna cry......
Over nothing
courtney: ooh..):
well.
I'm here for yah, babe : )
me: :,)
9:46 PM I just don't wanna deal with any of this shit right now, I had a really long weekend and would very much like to sleep, but that's the one thing I don't get to do. >.>
courtney: aw ):
that's so sad.
I'm so sorry ):
9:47 PM me: Yeah... I hate this, it happens every couple of months. It'll alternate that my PMS is barely noticeable, to the next month it's a total bitch and I'm crying over everything and picking fights I don't mean to pick, and i hurt, and I'm always tired, and it just sucks........
9:48 PM I'm also just getting completely frustrated with being unable to do anything...
In a lot of different ways
9:50 PM I can't leave the house without begging someone else to take me or walking in the 90 degree weather, And I always feel bad making people go out of their way to get me for things...
9:52 PM I'm in personal fitness again because my credit didn't count before due to starting late, and it's completely kicking my ass and I get to completely fail at everything we do beause I just can't do it, and she gives me these awful looks because she thiniks I'm just giving up, but I really can't do it, and everyone else gets to watch me not be able to do it... and it sucks. And I always hurt now from it. my legs haven't stopped hurting in three weeks.
9:54 PM I can't freaking figure out how to do this homework, My english class is kicking my ass too, i think I'm failing right now. And it's not because my teacher is bad, it's just because I can't figure it out. I read these passages and just stared at them blankly. we're readings stuff in class and I just stare at it. I can't figure out how to write what we're writing, and it just... I just can't figure out what I'm doing.
courtney: ):
9:55 PM I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what you're doing, and physical fitness sucks balls.
most physical classes do.
but I mean,
you're just having a rough time.
I'm here for you(:
and I know how you feel, because that was my entire sophmore year.
I failed so badly.
I failed pretty much every class.
9:56 PM me: I guess this is going to sound bad, but I'm... not used to failing.
9:58 PM And especially in my AP Englsh class, the one thing I was always good at but now am always shown how much I am not good, they're always talking about college and what amazing college they're going to, and al the awesome AP classes and Scores on these super hard tests, and I just... I have to probably take a year off t get any money at all to even go to college, and I am more than likely going to ACC because it's all I can afford, Among most people I feel good about myself, and among these people I'm the bottom of the heap, scraping the barrel. I feel like crap and I don't know what to do about it...
9:59 PM courtney: well, I know how you feel.
but I mean,
you can get past failing.
10:00 PM you can pass your classes.
sure
it's kind of hard
but you can do it.
you're a smart person(:
and pass,
just to show those people
how smart you are(:
prove 'em all wrong!
10:01 PM me: It's not just that though.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life! Everyone seems to have these awesome plans... And I just hate thinking about it because I just don't know.
10:02 PM I don't want school to end
I don't want me entire life as I know it to be over
I don't want to spend a year doing nothing when everyone is going on to college
I don't want to have to change everything again
I hate bug life changes
I hate being uprooted and not knowing where I stand or what I'm doing
10:03 PM I don't want to do this
but again
no choice
10:04 PM courtney: but you'll figure it out(:
chase your passion.
what do you LOVE?
what are you good at? (:
you can do something with that!
10:05 PM me: The only thing I really love is singing and helping my friends, but you can't rely on music as a career and psychiatry requires many years of expensive schooling
courtney: yeah I hear that |:
I wanna be a criminologist.
but since that's a branch of psychology and sociology I'm gonna have to go for a minimum of like 8 years.
10:06 PM me: And I don't even have enough money to go to dinner.
I don't know how to do this
I completely feel like I've failed at my whole life
10:07 PM every little kid had all these hopes and dreams of what they wanted to do, and I didn't... I just sang and lived. I don't remember most of my childhood life because I didn't do anything. i was homeschooled and sat in my room for most of my life
10:09 PM And even choir is making me feel completely inferior. I know I can sing, but apperantly everyone else can sing better. I couldn't even make one solo in three years of the mediocre groups, let alone in one of the better groups. I made Chamber Choir which is awesome, but I really don't feel like a part of the group, or of acapella. I don't really talk to anyone, i just sit off to the side and then sing my part. I'm working on it, but choir was the only highlight a lot of the time, but that combined with the fact that I can't really stand our new choir teacher means i's not as great....
10:10 PM I love to sing, so much, but I can't get through a line without being yelled at and told how much we have to improve to be good.
10:12 PM courtney: ):
maybe...you're just a late bloomer.
everyone got their dreams early
you'll find yours (:
I promise you will.
and you haven't failed life, because if you did, you'd be dead, but you're not, because I won't let you because I love you too much to let anything bad happen ):
and if you need the money, you're probs gonna need a job, and make moneys D:
10:13 PM me: But I don't have a car or any way to reliably get to a job.
Thank you though....
It really does help. <3
I really could just use a hug right now. 10:14 PM But my best friend lives 8 hours away, and the closest friend who i think would come see me lives in hutto
10:15 PM courtney: ):
I'm going to
come to your house
a weekend
and give you
the biggest and bestest hug
EVER.
with sprinkles.
me: Haha, <3
10:16 PM But Somehow I'm so freaking busy.
I don't get to relax again till november.
Scare has my out every weekend
:(
10:17 PM courtney: : (
THEN I SHALL VISIT YOU
IN NOVEMBER.
and give you the biggest and bestest hug with sprinkles.
10:18 PM me: Hahaha. <3
I don't wanna wait till november. :(
Maybe you come to scare one day and I kidnaps you home with me
courtney: <3
maybe:)
that could works.
but doesn't your dad not like
spending the night?
10:19 PM I mean I could probs ask to be picked up that very day but I dunno o:
me: But he let jim stay the whole weekend at brandon's and I haven't asked in ages... Maybe he'll let me. hug
courtney: hmm maybe(:
<3
we'll have to see.
just be like
10:20 PM "dude. who wouldn't want god to grace our presence for a night?"
me: Haha. ^_^;;
That's another big issue, I am getting so seriously fed up with my family. They are driving me completely insane.
I cna't wait to be out of here, but I don't want to leave.
10:21 PM courtney: why don't you wanna leave?
I wanna leave so badly.
10:24 PM me: I just don't want to like... leave my house and everything that's happened here. I'm worried about living alone, I need a roommate, but I don't know who to ask because I get really fed up with a lot of my friends after a while. I couldn't live with shea, we couldn't do a week at her house, let alone living together. we both get too high strung. I was going to go with Montanna, we'd both talked about it when she was going to leave mike, but I seriously doubt that's happening, they seem to have reconciled at least not enough for her to leave him... Sam is going to live in Dallas to go to med school, and that's too far for me to move... I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. :(
10:25 PM I feel alone a lot
even though I know I'm not
10:26 PM courtney: ):
see
I could handle being alone
I've been alone my entire life
but you can find someone I promise(: <3
10:28 PM me: there's also the issue where I've completely failed in the relationship department... I don't know what I did, but somehow I'm the girl who's one of the guys and doesn't ever date and no one is interested in, People keep making reasons why, but there are always reasons and excuses I don't know.... I must've done something wrong, but I don't know what, and I think it's too late to fix it.
10:29 PM courtney: never too late(:
I've always been that ugly chick.
but I mean.
10:30 PM I've changed I think.
I mean, I'm still not liked
but it's alright I sppose
*suppose
10:32 PM me: But you're not ugly! You're adorable. And at least you have been though, I mean... I don't even mean people don't always like me, as far as I know no one has ever liked me, and if they have they never did enough to say something to me about it. No one. Ever. I feel like there's something wrong with that. I like people, it happens, but nobody ever likes me back. Often they like my friends instead, which is the suck...
I dunno, I guess I really do feel like I'm just not good enough......
10:33 PM I don't even know for what, but i can't think of anything I've accomplished, anything I've really dont...
*done
I don't DO anythin...
courtney: but you are(:
trust me dear, my life has been liking people and them never liking me pack.
hell, I've even been played, pretty much.
then go out and have your own adventures(:
be yourself.
10:34 PM people should like you for YOU and not like you for someone you're not(:
10:37 PM me: I know that last part, I do... But i guess I feel like there's too much ME and no one wants to look far enough to learn that much about me. :( And hell... This is going to sounds really bad but I don't mean it to be, At least someone liked you enough to try to play you. The most interest anyone's ever shown in me was he agreed to go on one date with me because montanna told him he had to go, because he told her brother I was cool, and she'd been trying to hook me up. That, and our awesome but slightly pervy friend who loves to jokingly hold people's hands and make jokes about stuff, but is completely uninterested for real, and has told me that I am one of the guys.. =/
10:38 PM courtney: man.
I used to be one of the guys.
like
so hardcore
in like elementary school.
but I mean
you can grow out of it.
I'm not really "one of the guys"
10:39 PM but I'm not "one of the girls" either.
I'm kind of my own person.
but I dunno broski.
you'll find someone I promise(:
10:41 PM but y'know,
you have been liked.
sam liked you.
but I mean, you don't...roll that way.
but I mean, you can be liked.
(:
10:42 PM me: I honestly think sometimes that being homeschooled may've fucked part of me up. I was made to be very social and have people around me, and I sat in my room for a long time. I didn't do anything, I had very few friends. I've always said that I grew up too fast, I wasn't really a kid for that long, but... I think part of me grew up really slow. So the part of me that started liking boys didn't show up at all until a while ago, and by then I'd already messed something up.... I dunno... >>
10:44 PM and yeah, she says so, but I really think (and with my logical mind not my reactionary mind) that she really just knew I would always be there for her, she wanted someone she could always trust, in essence she wants someone like me. but... I don't think she likes me so much, just the fact that I never left her, when everyone else did. She only liked me after she's been broken a million times... I mean, I just think it was a reaction,i if that makes any sense
courtney: ):
well.
I don't see why people couldn't like you
you're absolutely adorable and amazing.
10:45 PM and if people can't see that they deserve to be spited.
me: And isn't it a little sad that the only person who's ever liked me is my female best friend? Just a little?
courtney: I grew up too fast, too, that's most likely why I'm so childish.
not really?
my friend kathryn liked/likes me a lot, I don't know if she still does.
I haven't been liked by a lot of people, I don't think.
10:46 PM that was in middle school where people just follow the leader.
me: but you didn't grow up with her calling eachother sisters. >.>
Yeah........
I dunno... <,<
courtney: no, but we are that close kind of.
I dunno brotato, but you'll find someone I promise<3
we both will.
just gotta wait for that one person that can handle you at your worst:)
so far there's only been...
three people that have done that.
but one's 23,
10:47 PM the other was afraid of being a "pedo"
and the other played me.
me: :)
that's sad.....
courtney: bahaha
yeah.
kind of.
(Skip some irrelevant rambling convo here)
courtney: I mean
I guess I'm kind of...
pretty ish?
I have a decent personallity
but I don't know why people legitimately like me.
me: I kinda feel the same. 
courtney: mhm.
me: ><
Ugh
well
at least I've stopped like... Completely freaking out and crying now. >.>
courtney: ):
I'm here for you<3
me: thanks... i think my friends get tired of it sometimes. >.>
thanks... i think my friends get tired of it sometimes. >.> courtney: naaah
(:
me: Well, just cuz you don't doesn't mean the rest don't. >.> I feel like most of us are just growing apart, I hardly see anyone anymore. >.>
Well, just cuz you don't doesn't mean the rest don't. >.> I feel like most of us are just growing apart, I hardly see anyone anymore. >.> courtney: aw... ):
yeah doesn't that feeling suck?
me: Yeah... a lot. considering I give up so much of my life to help them and shit, and they don't even care enough to try to stay friends
courtney: ):
hun you gotta take care of yourself sometimes.
me: I don't know how.....
courtney: ):
you'l llearn(:
if I can do it, you can too!
Sent at 11:03 PM on Monday
me: I suppose... I spent so much time helping others because it made me feel good to help, and it helped them, that I never learned how to take care of myself...
I spent so much time helping others because it made me feel good to help, and it helped them, that I never learned how to take care of myself... courtney: ...
man
we're so alike it's scary.
me: that... Doesn't make me as happy as it should. I don't like that anyone else has to feel what am. >.>
(So yeah... there's that. I'm going to sleep this off now and hope I have enough Energy to wake up tomorrow. :C )
Friday, September 24, 2010
Homecoming, or HOEcoming?-Brianna
so tonight was homecoming
game was won EASILY
but it was boring.
so i just hung out with my friends.
it was cool cause i saw a lot of my old friends
like from decker,and even 6th grade !
but i dont know if tonight was an amazing night...
or a bad one
this guy who had been bugging me fer a kiss all week....
finally got it.
then he started getting reaalllyy touchy
so i left.
then i ran into my ex boyfriend.
youll never guess which one...
Jesus.
it was amazing seeing him again
and it was fun like we brought up old jokes and everything
then..
we started holding hands.
and getting closer.
then he kissed my check
then we got close nd closer
nd..
basically, we were acting like we were going out.
it was funny cause my friend Dylan asked if we were dating,
i said no
she said
Girl if you dont i will
then...
Aarons mom took me, sean, jacob and of course, Aaron home.
i cant finish the rest...
but my point is i made out with three guys in a matter of less than 5 hours !!
prob like 3-4 :/
like i feel reaallllyy stupid about it :/
lexi asked me what was going through my mind..
i replied "Honestly? 'i need to get over him'"
:/
i guess over all it was just a great HOEcoming night...
game was won EASILY
but it was boring.
so i just hung out with my friends.
it was cool cause i saw a lot of my old friends
like from decker,and even 6th grade !
but i dont know if tonight was an amazing night...
or a bad one
this guy who had been bugging me fer a kiss all week....
finally got it.
then he started getting reaalllyy touchy
so i left.
then i ran into my ex boyfriend.
youll never guess which one...
Jesus.
it was amazing seeing him again
and it was fun like we brought up old jokes and everything
then..
we started holding hands.
and getting closer.
then he kissed my check
then we got close nd closer
nd..
basically, we were acting like we were going out.
it was funny cause my friend Dylan asked if we were dating,
i said no
she said
Girl if you dont i will
then...
Aarons mom took me, sean, jacob and of course, Aaron home.
i cant finish the rest...
but my point is i made out with three guys in a matter of less than 5 hours !!
prob like 3-4 :/
like i feel reaallllyy stupid about it :/
lexi asked me what was going through my mind..
i replied "Honestly? 'i need to get over him'"
:/
i guess over all it was just a great HOEcoming night...
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Geometry- Brianna
what is with that class?
theres something about it
and i dont like it.
so first he tries to kiss me in that class
and today,
Martin called me Babe in that class
i think it was an accident
but still..
like i dunno..
in a way it was weird to hear it,
but on the other hand,
it felt good to hear it.
:/
im in this middle stage of
"over him" and "i still love him"
like i keep telling myself and everyone else
that im over him,
but when i think everything over
and everything weve been through
i start smiling.
and like when i read over some of the messages i still have from him
i smile and i still blush
cause even though they mean nothing now,
they did at one point.
they meant a shitload at one point.
but like i mean at least now i know that
we are just friends and i know thats all were ever gonna be
so now its just a matter of getting over him.
which is much much MUCH easier said than done.
Like.. its weird..
when i see his status' that are like
" yer amazing you make me happy"
i think about like he used to tell em that
nd now hes over there telling another girl
and it sucks but
i mean it makes it easier fer me to move on when i know
he already did..
so someday when i stop loving you,
ill look back and think about these days
where i would hate myself
for loving you.
"I'll move on baby, just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need her moon
It'll break my heart, but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you"
theres something about it
and i dont like it.
so first he tries to kiss me in that class
and today,
Martin called me Babe in that class
i think it was an accident
but still..
like i dunno..
in a way it was weird to hear it,
but on the other hand,
it felt good to hear it.
:/
im in this middle stage of
"over him" and "i still love him"
like i keep telling myself and everyone else
that im over him,
but when i think everything over
and everything weve been through
i start smiling.
and like when i read over some of the messages i still have from him
i smile and i still blush
cause even though they mean nothing now,
they did at one point.
they meant a shitload at one point.
but like i mean at least now i know that
we are just friends and i know thats all were ever gonna be
so now its just a matter of getting over him.
which is much much MUCH easier said than done.
Like.. its weird..
when i see his status' that are like
" yer amazing you make me happy"
i think about like he used to tell em that
nd now hes over there telling another girl
and it sucks but
i mean it makes it easier fer me to move on when i know
he already did..
so someday when i stop loving you,
ill look back and think about these days
where i would hate myself
for loving you.
"I'll move on baby, just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need her moon
It'll break my heart, but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you"
Monday, September 20, 2010
Operation Beautiful - Lauren
So I was reading SixBillionSecrets, and someone linked to this website. Naturally curious, I followed the link and read up, watched the videos, looked at all the pictures, and was thouroughly disgusted by the things we as a society do to ourselves every day. We aspire to be so skinny we're sick and unable to bear children. We starve ourselves or make ourselves throw up because we're just too fat. We greet eachother, even in what was meant to be positive ways that reinforce the skinny standard. Betcha you never thought 'You look great! Have you lost weight?' would be bad. Well it infers you only look great because you're skinny.
Then there was the other part. While a portion of me was disgusted, the rest of me was inspired. so many people are trying their hardest to stop this. Operation Beautiful is simple. Write a note and leave it in a public place where someone can see it stating something positive (the best and most common example being simply 'you are Beautiful'. It can really help brighten someones day, from a simple smile while they wash their hands, to stopping someone from throwing up, to being that one thing someone needed to hear most in that moment. There is no downside. Three seconds and a post-it note and you can make someones day better. If you want include the link in the note so people can be as inspired as me. You can bet your ass there will be notes in all the bathrooms I can get to tomorrow.
You are beautiful!
<3
www.OperationBeautiful.com
Then there was the other part. While a portion of me was disgusted, the rest of me was inspired. so many people are trying their hardest to stop this. Operation Beautiful is simple. Write a note and leave it in a public place where someone can see it stating something positive (the best and most common example being simply 'you are Beautiful'. It can really help brighten someones day, from a simple smile while they wash their hands, to stopping someone from throwing up, to being that one thing someone needed to hear most in that moment. There is no downside. Three seconds and a post-it note and you can make someones day better. If you want include the link in the note so people can be as inspired as me. You can bet your ass there will be notes in all the bathrooms I can get to tomorrow.
You are beautiful!
<3
www.OperationBeautiful.com
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Stronger-Brianna
So in a break up,
theres 4 stages
Sadness
Anger
Desperation
and finally,
Moving on.
right now,
i hate admitting this,
i am in the desperation stage :/
like its not that i want a boyfriend
i just kinda miss having one.
and i mean i feel like i definitely am done with martin
like if he were to ask me out i wouldnt say no
but i wouldnt say yes
which is a big step fer me.
so its not so much martin that i miss
its just
like the feelings i had?
idk
like jason almost asked me out
but i told him i didnt like him
so he didnt
butt i thought about saying yes
and like this is how i explained it to Melissa and Isaac
"i want a guy to make me happy"
Melissa: why cant two friends do that?
Me: cause you cant make out with yer best friends.
so now do you get how i feel ?
:/
this guy ive known fer a while and i were talking on facebook
and he asked me fer a kiss on Monday
but just cause im single doesnt mean im gonna go make out with every guy
i have rules and regulations.
And VERY high standards
and from now on,
im not dating anyone unless they meet every single one of them,
and i know i probably sound like a bitch
but i dont care,
im not gonna let my heart get broken just like that again.
nd if it means acting like a bitch,
so be it.
All it means is that im guarding my heart,
and getting
Stronger
theres 4 stages
Sadness
Anger
Desperation
and finally,
Moving on.
right now,
i hate admitting this,
i am in the desperation stage :/
like its not that i want a boyfriend
i just kinda miss having one.
and i mean i feel like i definitely am done with martin
like if he were to ask me out i wouldnt say no
but i wouldnt say yes
which is a big step fer me.
so its not so much martin that i miss
its just
like the feelings i had?
idk
like jason almost asked me out
but i told him i didnt like him
so he didnt
butt i thought about saying yes
and like this is how i explained it to Melissa and Isaac
"i want a guy to make me happy"
Melissa: why cant two friends do that?
Me: cause you cant make out with yer best friends.
so now do you get how i feel ?
:/
this guy ive known fer a while and i were talking on facebook
and he asked me fer a kiss on Monday
but just cause im single doesnt mean im gonna go make out with every guy
i have rules and regulations.
And VERY high standards
and from now on,
im not dating anyone unless they meet every single one of them,
and i know i probably sound like a bitch
but i dont care,
im not gonna let my heart get broken just like that again.
nd if it means acting like a bitch,
so be it.
All it means is that im guarding my heart,
and getting
Stronger
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Nothing at all - Lauren
I love how during the school year, it seems like everything happens, than kindof simultaneously nothing worth posting about happens at all. XD
I've had quite a busy weekend, I went right after school yesterday to go get Dylan from her house so we could be ready when my dad got home to leave for the SCARE for a CURE benefit concert, where we drove around for an hour on the wrong side of the highway trying to find the freakin place, to almost be not let in. Me and Dylan had no form of ID, so they were -thiiis- close to just denying us entry, Leanna threw a fit, she was so angry, Jarrett was trying to appease both sides (to little effect) and eventually some other guys came up and said we could go in as long as we were marked and he showed us to the bartenders so they knew not to sell us anything. >< Not like we would. D8 But yeah. XD After we got in an hour late Dylan and I got the fun job of watching the free food table (and the tip jar residing on it) and re-organizing the pizza. XD It was a pretty fun night, We took a lot of silly pictures, Dylan and I got attacked by the Zombie Invasion, I got attacked by Jim and Rowan, and I now have some blood on my Scare shirt. lol. It was a pretty cool night, but the crowd was sad, and I couldn't distinguish anything but loud from the bands that played except for Fulton Read, which wasn't bad. P= they had all the zombies come up and preform with them on stage after their third song. =3
Then today Dylan, Dad and I (she spent the night) ran a bunch of errands, Now I'm baking for Montanna's birthday party tomorrow and the Scare Auditions we're going to right after that. =) Crazy busy.
In other news, My best friend Sam has contacted me of her own accord twice in that many days, so I'm happy. =D She texted me earlier just to say she loves me, and when I told her I loved her too and was sorry for passing out last night, she said "It's fine Hun. Just wanted to make sure someone told you they loved you today. ^^"
<333 I love my best friend so much. :,D
I've had quite a busy weekend, I went right after school yesterday to go get Dylan from her house so we could be ready when my dad got home to leave for the SCARE for a CURE benefit concert, where we drove around for an hour on the wrong side of the highway trying to find the freakin place, to almost be not let in. Me and Dylan had no form of ID, so they were -thiiis- close to just denying us entry, Leanna threw a fit, she was so angry, Jarrett was trying to appease both sides (to little effect) and eventually some other guys came up and said we could go in as long as we were marked and he showed us to the bartenders so they knew not to sell us anything. >< Not like we would. D8 But yeah. XD After we got in an hour late Dylan and I got the fun job of watching the free food table (and the tip jar residing on it) and re-organizing the pizza. XD It was a pretty fun night, We took a lot of silly pictures, Dylan and I got attacked by the Zombie Invasion, I got attacked by Jim and Rowan, and I now have some blood on my Scare shirt. lol. It was a pretty cool night, but the crowd was sad, and I couldn't distinguish anything but loud from the bands that played except for Fulton Read, which wasn't bad. P= they had all the zombies come up and preform with them on stage after their third song. =3
Then today Dylan, Dad and I (she spent the night) ran a bunch of errands, Now I'm baking for Montanna's birthday party tomorrow and the Scare Auditions we're going to right after that. =) Crazy busy.
In other news, My best friend Sam has contacted me of her own accord twice in that many days, so I'm happy. =D She texted me earlier just to say she loves me, and when I told her I loved her too and was sorry for passing out last night, she said "It's fine Hun. Just wanted to make sure someone told you they loved you today. ^^"
<333 I love my best friend so much. :,D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
