The Life of Teens

Errr....?

2011-09-11T19:29:00.003-05:00

So. I'm a sophomore.
I've survived the first three weeks with all A's so we'll see how much longer that'll last.
I'm doing guard again this year, buy I've also joined cheer.
First practice is on Tuesday and I'm excited.
My goal is to graduate next year so my grades are being taken pretty serious.
My friend Emily and I have made t a weekly thong to have adventures on Saturday's, usually leading to Sunday's too.
Moms got a new friend named John. She says he's eger to meet us.
Honestly, I could care less.
My birthdays in 9 days.
Finally 15.
Friends? They're better than ever.
I've kept most from last year, plus gained back the ones from 8th grade.
Drama? None yet.
My years going pretty good I can't complain, but at the same time, I feel like something's missing.
Last night Emily and I watched Prom.
Yes the Disney one.
It felt weird thinking that if all goes as planned, in two years I'll be out at Penn state alone.
With no one else there for me.
The thought slightly terrifies me.
Especially now since I'm second guessing what I want to do with my life.
So asidefrom that, there's the love interest.
I have two boys catching my eye this year.
My ex boyfriend Chino and my friend Richie.
Chino and I went out over the summer, it didn't last long cause he annoyed me.
Pretty bad right?
Well this year when we're together it's crazy.
We don't have any classes together so it's not a lot of time.
I get butterflies and when he kisses my cheek it's like...
I don't know. Like if he's the first.
I get the same feeling I got with my first boyfriend and I haven't felt that since we broke up.
So it's a pretty big deal, but I don't "love" chino.
Then theres Richie.
He's a total cutie, and in band.
I've always wanted to date someone in band, like we'd spend so much time together.
Plus, we have a class together.
4th period, which is super easy and we always have spare time.
So I met him this year and I've heard good things about him.
He's super quiet but a total flirt.
"he has an amazing personality and he's a joker. He'd treat you right"
At the football game on Friday he kept blowing me kisses. And telling ne he loves me.
He's dumb(:
So there's that.
Guards okay. I don't like our instructor though.
Oscars quitting.
I'm upset, but at the same time, it's his life.
And I really shouldn't care.
Honestly, I really want to start distancing myself from him.
I kinda already have.
I don't text him back as much, I tell him what he wants to know and move on.
No real conversations.
I don't know, like I reread my story I wrote about him,
And I realized that I think about that day too much.
And every time I do, I cry and I hate him for the night.
Then morning cones and I forgive him. It's terrible.
The ending of my story ends with my character never talking to him again.
I wish that's how my real life was.
I wish I had the balls to just stop, just like he did back in March.
Blegh I'm gonna start venting about a dumb boy...
So I'm done for tonight. I'm getting upset.
I'll wrte about it some other time.
I'm gonna do my hair, and go to sleep.
Goodnight <3

I've always wanted to date someone in band

Worst chocies- Brianna

2011-08-12T10:54:00.002-05:00

So lately i feel as if my mom has been making the worst choices ever.
Shes dating this guy Kenn.
Hes liek the dumbest thing ever.
Why? Cause I said so.
anyways so she goes to work all day right?
comes home and has to deal with us three kids,
then study and do homework.
then sleep.
Some how she manages time to go out with him,
and just never finds time to GO BUY FOOD FOR US.
Believe it or not, but food doesnt just appear on plates.
So since theres no food, i ask her if i can use some of my saved up money to order Dominos later today.
Well.. i go loko for my envelope and guess what?
No Money.
so i ask her where it is,
she said in her closet.
which means stay out of it.
then i find out that out of the 700 i had in June.
i only have one hundred left.
I've only bought my Ipod.
So then she tells me that I cant order it.
bullshit.
Shes leaving work early and getting groceries.
she'll be home at 1:30.
anyways a few days ago, i asked her if i could spend the night at my friends house so i could have a ride to a concert that ive had plans for for thee longest time.
she said no, and that its to short notice, and im gonna have to skip it this time.
same shit she told me for NY and Kansas.
Saammee fucking shit.
Im tired of missing shit because of her.
Like how often am i gonna get to see my close friends mom get married?
Not many.
How many times am i gonna get asked to go to NY for a week?
Not much.
How many times are FTSK gonna do a free concert here in Austin?
More than likely, never again.
I cant wait til i leave and i can make my oen decisions, and i can go where ever i want, whenever i want.
i can spend my money how ever i want.
I can stay up as late as i want
i make my own choices.

Oh Manor... Brianna

2011-08-03T21:03:00.002-05:00

So already, two girls have quit guard and have/ have wanted to come back.
It pisses me off.
Personally i feel that once you make the decision to not come anymore,
stick to it.
And i mean these girls are sort of friends with me,
so im not gonna bitch at them and start drama before school even starts,
but seriously?
Like its not fair to us, the kids, who work our butts off (most of us at least)
cause then we get held back trying to teach them the stuff we spent forever learning, and they shouldve been there.
but no, instead, we drop everything we're doing to be at their aid.
How dumb...
blegh im just so annoyed by people wuiting and then realizing what a mistake they made, and then just taking it back like its nothing.

Im bored- Brianna

2011-08-01T21:14:00.003-05:00

My boyfriend.
Hes so terrible.
I dont know.
Like we dont click.
Like at all.
we've been going out for three weeks and our conversations look like this:
Him: babe i love you(:
Me: Haha aww thanks dear.
Him: Dont you love me??
Me: Mhhm.
Him: But not more than me right??
Me: No(:
like at first, it was cute.
but now, three weeks later, i dont even want to talk to him!
we cant hold a friggin conversation!!
Like, i get the first week or so its that honey moon stage right?
I hate it so much.
Its the dumbest thing in the world.
I try to get over it ASAP.
Especially after Martin.
Like i want a boyfriend who can make me feel safe, and secure, and wanting more, with him, i want less.
I havent texted him in a few days cause my phone died a while ago, and sicne then i just havent texted him.
I dont want to.
Is that bad? thats bad.'
Like i wanna break up with him, but at the same time,
i wanna wait til school starts to see if it gets any better when we're actually together, you know?
Ughh idk he just bores me with his talk of nothingness
So enough about my boyfriend.
My mom has a "Friend" ask she calls him.
They go out on dates, hes been over once,
and i dont wanna meet him.
im trying to avoid doing it, but she seems to try harder the more i resist.
he might stop by later tonight.
Im honestly really scared that he could be my step dad one day.
Like i dont want one.
my mom can get married when i go to college you know?
Anyways, im gonna go get ready for band camp tomorrow.
IM SO TIRED.
Like my feet are killing meee.!!

2011-07-27T16:59:00.000-05:00

Boundaries- Brianna

2011-07-23T08:12:00.002-05:00

I have personal boundaries i set for myself.
Certain topics are off limits to certain people.
My "Sex life", as small as that topic is, i keep that personal,
I hardly ever kiss and tell, and so why would i talk about anything else on that topic?
two of my friends and i got onto that topic a few nights ago and i told them,
cause they told me, so it seemed only fair,
five days later one of them is still teasing me about it,
i told her to hop off, and she got totally pissed,
saying how its not fair that i wont tell her about a certain thing.
Personally, the way i see it,
is that now that its not "that night" i dont have to tell her shit,
correct?
and i havent brought up her sex life since then,
so if im not asking is it fair that she is?
Anddd, if i dont want to talk about something,
dont you think its fair that i can keep it to myself?
The other day when i was sick she texted me
and i told her i was sick and that wed talk later
she texted me asking me about this certain thing,
so i replied "im insanely sick and thats all you can think about?"
Her response?
"Yeah"
Insanely upsetting..
Anyways but its saturday,
i get my ipod today,
I go to San Antonio today,
I have fun.
You should do the same

Simply cause i can- Brianna

2011-07-21T17:59:00.002-05:00

So this post can go one of two ways
itll either be really short,
or itll trail on forever :3
probably the second one, but we'll see :D
So i think i had the 24 hour bugg,
it hurt.
i threw up.
and i slept forever.
band camp tomorrow :3
saturday we're going to DCI in San Antonio :3
its gonna be crazy fun.
I remember like forever ago me and Oscar promised to be bus buddies for band and school
good times :3
I kinda had this dream that he sat next to me and said "i dont want to break another promise"
insane right?
So im officially dating Chino, and i have for almost two weeks now.
its going good, i still havent seen him since the movies though,
and that is why i dont date in the summer :3
anyways so i was talking to my mom about it,
and she goes
"oh boy, hes still around? wheres Oscar?"
i just laughed and told her that despite what he said we still dont talk.
she rolled her eyes.
I said
"you just want me to marry him"
She said
"Well Brianna, you're going to. Its predestined."
Maybe shes right
but im hoping shes wrong.
and even if we do, itll end up in a divorce cause he stops talking to me one day :P
Soo i really wanna get my ipod tomorrow after my moms work so i can have it for the tripp
buuuut i dunno if my mom will let me
she wants me to wait until the weekend of my birthday.
how whack yes?
yes.
well i just called her and asked about it
She said she'll take me early Saturday morning :3
Did i already say i got the 24 hour bug?
or food poisoning.
im not sure.
all i know is that i made chicken yesterday for myself and that night i puked,
and puked and puuukkkeeeddd.
i just started feeling better about an hour ago,
but not by muchh.
im eating Mangos :3
well im gonna go ahead and get off
and stretch
and do my ten minutes of crunches.
Yes.
TEN.
10.
non stop.
:D
True story brahh.

Memories- Brianna

2011-07-20T11:12:00.002-05:00

I love going back to last years posts and reminiscing.
Like I love reading about what i was doing a year ago to the day.
Is that weird? Well i like it, its kind of comforting, in a weird way :3
well anyways band camp was last week and it was loads of fun(:
on the last day though i pulled a muscle, and it still hurts D:
then again i havent really done anything to help it :3
i tried to do my splits yesterday and it hurt so so sooo bad!
So i guess today thats how ill be spending my day,
looking up home remedies on pulled muscles.
and stretching.
and TCSO :D
back to band camp.
I have it this week again but just Friday and Saturday, so im really excited :D
then we get one week off, then all of August is band camp :D
I love the excuse of having something to do.
I dont know, maybe im just a total loser :3
So my lifes kind of blan right now,
But honestly, ive got nothing better to do with my time right now -.-
so im gonna go ahead and stop noww :3

My Life... -Brianna

2011-07-12T13:08:00.002-05:00

IS so complicated.
And Crazy.
and busy.
and stressful.
So that is why...
I might go to NYC in two weeks :3
and in two years, as my "senior trip" (since im gonna skip a grade)
I will be going on a tour of Europe!!!
And its crazy cause ive been so down lately, and i got invited to do this Sunday.
and its just... ahh(:
it couldnt have come at a more perfect time for me <3
so my flight for new york is my birthday present from my mummmm(:
Its only a 6 day trip buuut stilll (:
ill be with my bestest friend Casey <3
Anyways so Europe !!!!
We'll start out by staying in Germany for a while, Then head to Spain, then...
I T A L Y !!
I always talked about going to Italy as my senior trip, like just by myself before i go for college right?
well im really excited about it.
im getting my passport early 2012 cause i know it takes a while to get it so yeahh :)
I have band camp for the rest of this week and im super excited cause its so much fun.
Marching season is my favorite <3
My uncle from Cali is coming down here T O N I G H T !
Im dating Chino officially as of July 10th :3
Me and Shelby (my reaaallllyyyy amazing best friend/sister :D) have the same anniversary :3
Ahh its her first boyfriend so im really excited for her(:
Me on the other hand? this is my 5th, and i hope its different than the restt.
Hes a good guy so im happy(:
anyways i gotta go book my flight for NYC! (:
Goodbyeee <333
P.S. Guess whos getting her ipod replaced soon? (: <3

Movies.- Brianna

2011-07-09T11:34:00.004-05:00

So last night i went to the movies with
Shelby, Lexi, Juan (Chino), D'Angelo, Fernando (Nando), Antonio, and... Oscar.
It was a lot of fun, the movie was good and I flirted here and there.
After the movie we went out to eat at a pizzeria and after that we went to a play ground :3
There was good and bad last night.
I'll talk about the bad first, simply cause its the one that affected me the most.
Oscar and Lexi kept making out during the movie,
and i was only one seat away.
Well... back in February there was a big deal with Oscar and I never blogged about it because i just wanted to forget about it. But I think its time i get it off my chest.
Theres a ditch by my house and we kind of called it "out spot".
There was this one time he came over and we went out there.
He kept kissing my neck and i tried to get him off but he wouldnt and he begged me to let him.
and i felt like i owed it to him... why?
I dont know.... but i did. so i let him.
Anyways not even two months later we had completely stopped talking.
and i think thats why.
Anyways while we were there i had such a terrible feeling in my stomach i mean i wanted to puke and when we got home i coldnt even make eye contact with him. It was just so terrible.
To try to forget about it i wrote a story about it and it didnt help.
but anyways so them making out next to me just reminded me of that night,
and i got the same feeling in my tummy. I left the theater three times because i felt like i was going to puke.
Anyways so after the movie, everyone wanted to go to Which Wich... where oscar and i had our first date.
I told everyone they could go and that ill just meet them at the pizzeria but everyone just ended up going with me to the pizzeria.
so after Oscar and Chino left we actually ended up going into Which Wich.
My heart like sank.'It was so terrible.
but i put up with it cause i had to.
So on top of all of this, Oscar never said a word to me.
And even though i told myself i didnt want him to,
i really wish he wouldve.
Like if he could just acknowledge the fact that he hurt me... ?
Errr hes a boy i cant expect much right?
Enough about the bad cause im starting to feel down again, and its only noon.
During the movie Chino sat next to me, and ive kinda liked him for a bit now.
Hes been my "boyfriend" for two months and ive liked him for like 2-3 weeks.
well anyways he was totally flirting with me during the movie, but like the "Tease" i am, id push him off me only so i could be all over him and then stop and then repeat.
im not gonna lie, it was a lot of fun just flirting, like not caring, and just doing.
At the pizzeria he sat next to me again and again we flirted.
He also held my hand :3
So he owed me a kiss from a bet we had but he never gave it to me, when i got home he told me it was cause he didnt want everyone to see us.
i think thats really cute that hes shy.
He also told me he had a surprise for me, so at the play ground i asked him for it but he said he wanted mine first.
It was just a kiss.
so i tried to get us alone where no one would watch, but with out friends, its kind of impossible :3
anyways so He ended up leaving before i got mine and he got his.
When i texted him asking about it he told me.
He asked me out :)
I was reaally happy but...
I dont date in the summer.
its one of my many rules :3
so i told him that i really do like him but i dont date in the summer.
and he was really okay with it, and that made me even happier.
he said "Okay amor but just know when school starts you're mine(:"
Like i liked that he didnt question me about it or take it back
Haha :3
So he got bonus points for being shy and okay with my rule.
The reason he didnt ask me at the park?
"i wanted to ask you when we were alone"
:)
Hes so adorable.
So i have band camp in four days and im pretty excited.
Thursday practices have ended so its just the three band camps we have this summer.
So yeah im ready :3
My cousin/really close friend Julianna came to visit us :3
I hadnt seen her in almost 6 years, and i missed her like crazy!
Shes a month older than me, and we've known each other since i was born.
So moving really sucked.
buuut my point is she came for a few days and it was a blast!
She came over the first day she was here, the second we threw her an early surprise birthday party, tuesday she went to Shliterbahn, Wednesday we had this party until like 1 in the morning, then thursday she left.
I missed her loads and it was amazing seeing her again!
Shes so beautiful.
Secretly, its because of her that ive always wanted to be a dancer :3
We did that and gymnastics together growing up so yeahh :3
anyways so yeah i had a blast and our friendship picked up where it last ended back in Cali
I had a good time at the movies over all,
And my summers going pretty great.
Soo thats all you need to know for noww :3
P.S. this is the second most comforting thing to me, i mean writing and all, thats the whole reason im turning that story i talked about ^^ up thurrr, into a movie :3
We start shooting in December ish :D KayThanksBye (:

I'm really missing him today... -Brianna

2011-07-02T17:30:00.003-05:00

Oscar.
Today i went out to where we had our first date and it was terrible
i wanted to cry so badly, my eyes kept watering and i realized that im missing him.
Why is it so hard for me to just forget about him?
Then on the way home, You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift came on the radio and my mom asks
"Hey so whats going on with you and Oscar?"
Like today of all days, she asks today,
the first day ive thought about him in almost a month!
I replied
"well i deleted his number... we dont talk any more"
What she said?
"Brianna... You're gonna marry that boy i swear."
It just made me miss him a little more you know?
Like i miss him so much i just wanna like cuddle with Hollywood and stay there for forever :/
Well im going out tonight and hopefully ill get over this.
My really close friend from California is coming down tomorrow for a few days and im really excited to see her.
Shes a month older than me, and our parents have known each other for 16 ish years,
which means we've known each other our whole lives.
Anyways i havent seen her in just about 6 years,
so yeahh i get to see her tomorrow and stuff.
so yeah im going know cause i dont wanna cry any moree -.-
Good bye bloggg.
Until something like this happens again :3
P.s. I hope you're enjoying your summer. <3

Awww - Lauren

2011-07-02T13:20:00.000-05:00

So last night I was sleeping over with my friend Leia, and we ended up watching 'scary' movies (which I never do, I find them stupid.) But she likes them, so we were. We watched The Last Exorcist, which was fine but lame, and then we put in The Ring, and for the first time in my life I was actually disturbed by a movie. Of course by the time it finished it was around one and Leia had been asleep about an hour. I felt like a total chicken for being creeped out, but I couldn't sleep, so I was texting John. I eventually fell asleep, but I kept rolling over and waking up every so often, but around 4 AM I woke up and happened to look at my phone, which had a text from John. I hid it under the blanket as to not wake Leia and loaded the messages... And this is what I had.

My Darling Love Lauren: Soft and warm Sealed with care Sweet and kind Will ever share Brave and strong Yet so fair That is her She's always there Sensitive To despair Harkens to others Welfare Delicate she's elsewhere Beautiful Beyond compare if you meet her Best Beware She'll steal your heart unaware Her name is love This I swear There's none like her Anywhere
Love you baby ;)

I read it over and over and I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest, and needless to say when I read it and fell back asleep I had no more creeping nightmares. <3

Summer of 2011- Brianna(:

2011-06-23T13:36:00.002-05:00

This summer has been going so smoothly!
I adore every minute of it!
There's only two days i don't go out,
Wednesdays and Thursdays. reasons why?
Wednesday i have TCSO so i don't go out just to save my energy for that
and Thursdays cause Ive got practice
(yes we practice all summer long! insane? a bit)
like okay here's my map out of last week.
starting with Friday:
I went to the Domain with Shelby(:
Saturday: Karaoke and went to spend the night at Shelbys house
Sunday: Spent the night again at shelbys house
Monday: i went home and went out with my family (:
Tuesday: I went to the Domain again :D
Wednesday: i had tsco
Thursday: i have practice tonight
Friday: i have a date x)
Saturday: i have another date and Karaoke :D
that's just one week x)
anyways there's 9 weeks left of summer,
a little less but you know rounding off(:
i might be going to Vegas next month, not sure, but i might :D
Im less then sure,
but there's a chance ill be going to South Padre Island in August(:
Like i mean it sounds like everything's all peachy, but there's of course things that have made me upset, but i have to over look them.
like Oscar and i were close again for a while, and then he just stopped texting me.
what did i do?
i deleted his number.
im not playing anymore,
and he is, so when he grows up maybe he'll have another chance.
I've also promised myself im not gonna date anyone until November,
just so that i can get settled into the new school year, and the crazy schedule.
Like Ive got band practice in the morning, and we might have after school practice as well, then Ive got robotics.
and this up coming summer, im doing summer school to get ahead, and ACC classes to get extra credits.
Did i mention my new life goal?
Early graduation, and early acceptance, full scholarship to UCLA.
For what? im not sure. but that's my goal.
Anyways, this summer im getting my
"Certificate of age"
so i can start working soon.
Oh, next summer, im also taking driving lessons (:
so that's whats up with my life.
Summer band starts in July. July 13th to be exact.
13th-15th
then 22nd-23rd
and then
two weeks before school starts,
and then daily x)
im excited.
i saw our costumes.
we got a new instructor.
new members.
new equipment.
and apperently everyone grew money trees.
Our payment, just for the marching season is almost $400
Im so scared to see what it'll look like for Winter guard!
So this year, i got 10 credits and my GPA so far is a 3.8
Im really proud of myself.
Couls you imagine me graduating at 16?
im already graduating at 17, so already a year ahead,
I'd start college at 16.
i mean id only be 16 for a month but stiiilllll.
Its a bit exciting.
Anyways so im gonna go enjoy this day before i start getting ready for practiceee
Enjoy your summer my dears(:

I feel Weird... - Lauren

2011-06-09T23:03:00.000-05:00

John and I are Five months on Tuesday.
Five months. That's a long time, especially for me.
He's my first real boyfriend, and the first person to ever tell me he loves me.

Because of the fact that I had to wait until I was nearly -18- years old before this happened, I developed some issues. I didn't hate myself. but I didn't really think I was worth anything.
And because of -that- I had some terrible self-image issues and due to -that- I had... Intimacy issues.
Well I've broken that. I broke through my issues and finally was able to open up and stop hating on myself, I finally understand that I -am- worth something to at least one someone, and so today...
Well lemme show you the message I sent to Sam and Shea after the fact.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6 hours ago
Lauren Nystul
Soooo...
I was hanging out with John today, he was over to help me clean up and deal with shit, and I figure the both of you might kill me if I didn't tell you when my first time was, sooooo there's that. ^////^;; He ran to go get us lunch so I'm sending this. But dad just got home so I'm hitting send and making it go away now!

Love yas!

Please no murder. ♥
6 hours ago
Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders
Not exactly how I thought you'd lose your viriginity but fair enough! Hope you used protection~ ♥ And noworries, I wont murder you... Not yet. >>
6 hours ago
Shea Kilgannon
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

You're too cute.
My little girl is growing up so fast. :'D
♥
5 hours ago
Lauren Nystul
You've thought about it? ^^;; And yes, of course I did. P: Yet? D: Is there a reason you're going to murder me? O.O

Ooooomigod shea. XD So many smileys ^^;;
5 hours ago
Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders
Well, I just knew you to be so conservative and what not. Plus with your last relationship with dog face.... I dunno, it was just sort of a surprise for me I guess. *shrugs* And good girl. Least you use your brain unlike your brother.
5 hours ago
Lauren Nystul
I know. I didn't want to for a long time, but come tuesday we'll have been together five months... >///<;;
Well Dog face and I never did anything, John was my first kiss. You know that. P: I'm finally completely over him and everything that happened. :3
This whole thing is still a surprise to me, I'm still working on the whole believing someone else can like me like that thing, but... he really does love me. ♥ And I love him. ^/////^

And you know me, I'm all brains. The boy one... not so much ^^;;
5 hours ago
Spencer 'Spaz' Sanders
Indeed. Well, I'm glad you used your head hun. I hope you and him can go the distance. And ps, dog face lost something good.
2 hours ago
Lauren Nystul
Thanks hun. ♥
He did, didn't he...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So yeah. There's that. ^^;;
And this is titled I feel Weird because I do kind of, but not like I expected.
I think i worked myself up for it to be this huge deal, and it really wasn't.
I just feel kindof dazed, and sleepy. Lol.
Though... somehow I do feel a bit different, I guess because of Sam's reaction to my being so conservative, I was. really bad. and I've loosened up a lot, so I guess I'm letting go of that conservative tight person who hates shorts and tank tops and swearing and showing skin... I'm loosening up, and calming down. It feels nice, I don't think I realized how tightly I was wound.
But... It's weird. I'm losing who I was for so long... It's not bad, I don't think, but it is definitely... Weird.

BEST ever :D - Lauren

2011-06-08T18:20:00.000-05:00

When I get all stressed, music is absolutely my best stress reliever.

It's even better when no one's home and I can blast my music at obnoxious volumes and sing at the top of my lungs until my voice breaks

Today I even added in dancing around like a complete idiot.

I feel great. :D

My very last Spring Show - Lauren

2011-05-18T17:04:00.001-05:00

I had my very last choir concert last night. It was a terribly sad ordeal. The concert went awesomely, we fumbled a little on the words or timing, but all in all it wasn't so bad. I had a lot of fun. When it let out I greeted my family, then went to talk to all the remaining choir kids. I gave Chris, Jd, and Sara like five minute hugs, Then found John and gave him a super hug, and he had been standing with Zz and JB, and Zz was crying her eyes out, and she wasn't even in the concert. I had been fighting crying for the last like ten minutes, and so we hugged and cried together.
Afterwards the four of us (Zz and I along with respective boyfriends) went to McDonald's for ice cream, and hung out there till like eleven playing cards. XD Zz and I got into a French Fry fight, and john and JB tried to stop us without really succeeding. XD It was so much fun.
Despite all Kira and I have been through I couldn't think of a better person to end my Choir concert with, She was my first choir friend and she introduced me to like all of my friends, and just... Despite all of our terrible fights, we're pretty much okay now, I'm really glad we're friends again, I missed all the stupidness we get into. :) Like trying to get french fries down each others shirts. Ya know... if someone is trying to throw french fries down your shirt, don't block, because then you end up squishing the french fries against your chest and it's really fricking nasty. XD
I'm really sad it's over, this year seems like it went by so fast, We have our picnic this saturday then.... That's it. TT-TT
But despite how sad I am now, I'm SO glad I got to do it, Chamber and Acap have been amazing, and I'm so glad for the opportunity. <3

Happy - Lauren

2011-05-14T10:27:00.000-05:00

Wow…. SO I haven’t posted on here since March 8^th. That’s insane.

So much has changed in those two months…

I am very proud to say that I am actually happy.

I spent so long with nothing in my life that made me truly happy, and now I have it.

Chamber is amazing; we’re finally like our own little family. I love it, and being in Acapella, I really am a Choir kid at heart :) I auditioned for a spring show solo today; I think it went well actually, I’m nervous. ><;; Our spring show (And my last concert) is on Tuesday… I’m going to cry my eyes out, I’m so sad it’s over…

I’m graduating in three weeks. That’s some scary shit. I know I have to take at least a year off to work because I have to start from Zero. I’m supposedly moving out after Christmas, I was going to move out in July but plans fell through….

I am no longer friends with Montanna. We got into an Enormous fight, I started it because I was pissed off that I found out she and mike are engaged, after she swore to me they were broken up, and that I found out through Courtney because she didn’t have the guts to tell me. She turned it on me and accused me of spreading rumors and said all sorts of nasty shit about me. She apologized over Facebook after the fight, but I told her that I accepted the apology and apologized as well, but some of the stuff she said really hurt me and we’d have to work on that whole trust thing, and she never even bothered to respond. So I’m done. She was here one day because she and Jim still hang out, but it was really awkward. We were nice and all, but I know now that someone who can so easily believe those things about me probably isn’t someone I need to be spending all that much time with. I’m pretty comfortable with it, I mean… I wish it didn’t have to be like this but after someone breaks my trust it’s really hard to get it back again…

But I AM probably moving in with Shea, Rowan, and Dylan. :) I’m totally happy with that, I think the four of us would work really well together ^^

Shea and Jenny aren’t speaking, for real this time. Jenny brought Shea’s ex to prom, and Shea flipped. It was the last straw; they’d been at each other for weeks. Shea kicked her out.

Kira and I are talking again. We’re actually vaguely friends again ^^;; I didn’t think that would happen, but in light of more recent real fights I realized the reasons I wasn’t friends with her for were silly. I mean, they were more important at the time, but it’s been so long… And really, there wasn’t any reason to be mad anymore. She’s changed too, she matured. She found someone she’s actually really happy with and he’s a great guy and its done wonders for her :) She, JB (her bf), Shea and I went to prom together; It was a lot of fun once we got past Jenny screaming her head off at Shea in the middle of it. ><;;

John and I are on four months this coming Tuesday; He makes me so happy it’s not even funny. <3 It feels so much longer than that, but it’s only been four months… I really do love him. ;) I’m slowly getting over all the issues that built up in me over the past 18 years of being single and thinking I wasn’t worth anything… I’m getting past it, and every day that goes by I get better and better at believing that I am. Better and better at being happy.

I haven’t talked to Sam much, but we’re making some progress. I’ve decided to (at least on Fb) call her Spaz, because I just get so confused with Sam/Spencer/He/She, and her Fb name is Spencer ‘Spaz’ Sanders. P: So, I’m really trying to accommodate what Spaz wants. I’ve recently realized that it’s kindof like Spaz is the Brother I don’t talk to very often. Shea is my best friend, and I am hers as she recently told me, and I am completely happy with that. I wish I talked to Sam a little more, but as I get happier I get better at accepting things in my life I can’t really change.

I’m writing a book. It is really sad, but I’m honestly loving it. I got it from a dream I had, and I’m just working on writing it out. I’m a good 15 typed pages in, and I’ve written the end already. It’ll take work, but I have time :)

So, I am happy. I still have problems, but it just seems so much easier to deal with them now.

I’m just….. Happy. :)

Im Setteling- brianna

2011-04-25T21:34:00.003-05:00

i perfer guys who ask me out in person
but im setteling for him, who asked over FB
I love it when guys hold my hand
but im setteling for him, who hardly makes eye contact
I love it when guys wrap their arms around my waist,
but im setteling for him, and his arm around my shoulder.
I like a guy to smile at me randomly,
but im setteling for him, and his lack of eye contact (YES I STATE THAT AGAIN!)
I perfer holding actual conversations with guys i have relationships with
but im setteling for him, and his lack of communication.
I prefer guys who can make me smile,
and make me happy,
and give me butterflies
and make me feel special
and like im a princess
or even better, a queen.
But im setteling for him, because he likes me.
I perfer guys who get good grades,
who dont make me look stupid
or too smart
but im setteling for him and his lack of work.
I like guys who just hug me, just because they can.
but im setteling for him and his lack of affection.
I love guys who make me happy.
but im setteling for him and his lack of... joy.
My friend Jesus asked me out, and i said yes.
its late in the year and its pointless to have a relationship so late,
but ive been single for so long, i think this will help me appreciate it.
I doubt we're gonna last,
but i mean why not right?
i told him i dont want anything serious and i dont.
We've been going out one day and i already dont feel happy.
he doesnt make an effort to hang out with me.
i have to go with him and his friends,
where i feel totally out of place.
and where i feel like just a peice of arm candy.
im not happy,
but im setteling.

Wow.

2011-04-23T14:55:00.002-05:00

So its been just about a month since anyone has posted here.
isnt it crazy how fast time goes?
well a lot has gone down to.
a lot of pointless drama i can hardly remember but its high school
what else should i expet right?(:
Well i'll tell you the major things that have happened
1. color guard got third place in states(:
2. Oscar has stopped texting me
3. i finally got my dress(:
4. Ive matured..(:
so One, we went to states on April 2nd. it was such a stressful morning.
i forgot my earings, so my mom had to go back home get them go back down to Huston, then give them to me,
once i got them they fell and broke
i had to use eyelash glue to fix them,
then right before we went on to preform i remembered that i forgot one of our probs. luckily Will went to go get it
so obviously, i had a bad feeling about the show right?
I stated crying in the middle of it, and at the end of it, and at the end of it, almost everyone on the team was.
it was crazy.
when awards came no one cared about the scores, we knew we did our best and we couldnt take it back or redo it. we placed third with almost a point sperating us and the other two teams.
it was crazy. Its by far without a doubt one of the most amazing memories of the year.
TWOOOO:
Sadly, it sucks a lot. Since Mardi Gras a lot has been going on at home and with family. and so it sucks that thats around the time that things started to majorly change for us. You know like when i needed a shoulder to lean on the most, hes gone. But i know things happen for a reason and so whatever the reason is here, its whatever. I just hope he doesnt expect it to be like nothing ever happened when he comes into high school. Like i dont want him to be all "brianna, my best friend" when hes not being a best friend to me you know? But im not gonna lie, it sucks a lot when the only person who knows whats happening and the only person you want to talk to about it, doesnt wanna talk about anything at all.
THREE: My birthdays coming up in about five months, and i finally got my dress(: today. its pretty but its not like "the perfect dress" or anything. its what mom "could afford" so im not all that happy but its okay. its still pretty. either way its gonna be a fun party regardless of the dress. i hope.
FOURRR: Wow. im such a different person that i was a year ago.
just about a year ago, exaclly a year and 6 days ago, we had UIL for our one act play. and i was soo in love with Jesus. I remember i lost my phone last year this time. i remember Melissa told me jason and Kathy were FWB. I was dating Jason this time last year. Oh gosh i was a mess this time last year. this time last year Nilsa, Cesi, and i were all suuuuper close. this time last year i knew who i could trust and who i couldnt. this time last year i HATED going home, i would always stay after school. This time last year i was so different its soo crazy how much changes. Like in some ways im the same insecure little girl who would do anything for attention, but in other ways i look back and think "wow, what a big ass mistake that was" but even things from like Feb. i regret doing. things with Oscar, things with Martin, Seth, Marcos. Gosh i loved 2010. the only thing i would change is the guys i dated. every single one except for... Jesus(: i think hes gonna be the only guy i dont regret dating. except like the gy i date who turns into my husband. but that wont happen for a while :P Like hes the only guy i dont regret doing thins with like dating, and our first kiss together? it was so great. Like even now, im smiling thinking about everything we did. Christmas break 2009-2010 when he called me every day and i got super excited for it. When he would kiss my cheek and id get these butterflies. How heartbroken i was back in Oct. when he kissed me then told me he had a girlfriend. Oh gosh i cried from that moment, to Monday morning. it was insane, i guess you never turely get over your first love. Now i havent had a relationship in 8 months as of 29th of this month. Damn school started 8 months ago today, we only h ave 6 weeks of school left and yet i feel like i havent done anything. TAKS is next week,color guard recurtment starts the first week of may, the week after that we're going on our band trip, and then after that theres only three weeks left! damn man, i really need to start taking care of my childhood. like actually allowing myself to have one. you know? make plans, like bowling, mall, movies, park, apap. (: ill start on that now :P

I am so happy(:- Brianna

2011-03-25T22:35:00.002-05:00

Things just went so well today.
Like i made plans with friends,
we had a BLAST
and i dont know
everything just feels...
right.
School is amazing. i love my school.
theres like one class that i find "hard" right now
and its only because of the project that were doing.
durring lunch i sit with Casey.
Shes seriously like my second best friend right now.
its great.
we eat in the courtyard so it makes us feel cool x)
LOL.
My cousins transfering there next year,
Oscar and Lexi might be there,
Alexis Rubio might be there,
like i have really high hopes for next year.
Today was soo much fun. after school Casey CAME
home with me and we met up with some friends.
we walked to our old elementary, then a park, then a store, then back home (:
we had loads of fun.
Me and Oscar are kind of really acting like the best friends i missed us being.
Lately hes been busy so we dotn text as much but i understand right? well tonight its like none of that ever happend and its normal like in the begining of the year.
Tonight for the first time he called me Beautiful and has actually written out "Ilove you" more than 4 times :P
Tomorrow weve got a family trip to San Antonio and im totally excited.
Tanning and Walkikng :D
Were going to the zoo x)
Im excited loads(:
Sunday is back to work but its okay hopefully ill get all i need done (:
Well its alnmost 11 and i need sleep :P
Goodnight Blog.
and thanks for always being here cause i know a lot of friends and i have grown distant this year. So i thank you love(: hehe
Goodnight <3
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME <3

I need a life- Brianna

2011-03-19T19:12:00.002-05:00

I feel like everyone has a life but me.
Everyone has plans for Friday nights,
saturday afternoons,
and Sunday mornings,
while i just sit here and beg my mom to let me to do something.
im in high school.
shouldnt i be totally booked and so "I'll get back to you" should be my most commonly used excuse right?
nope.
"Sorry i have a project due soon"
is more like it :/
i really need to start going out,
and getting friends who will make plans with me.
But no. instead i sit here while listening to Pandora Radio,
praying SOMEONE will text me :/
i hate letting time go to waste but this spring break was the worst thing that couldve happened to me.
i usually BEG for days off, but so i can do things with friends.
instead i write to myself, and anyone whos stuck around long enough to still read this, about how im a total loser D:
So im gonna make myself better by talking about the rest of the school year:
This friday im skipping school to go to San Antonio, which will be a two day trip cause on saturday i have competition,
next friday im leaving early cause ive got a two day competition (state champs.) in Huston.
The fourth, ill be skipping school because of a dentist appointment.
sometime durring the month of april ill be skipping another two days (or having half days) to do "tours" to the middle schools about Color/winterguard.
Then the 13th of may ill be skipping to leave for our band trip(:
After that the school years going to FLYYYYYY by.
Or at least i hope it does.
Already the weeks are going by pretty quickly which is making me soo happy.
So my freshman year wasnt as great as i hoped it would be but you know, ive got 11 weeks left, i should just make the best of those 11 mondays 11 tuesdays 11 wednesdays 11 thursdays and 11 fridays. And i hope to also take advantage of my 8 free Saturdays i have left.
So that number (nine) just freaked me out a little.
holy shit.
i have Nine chances to hang with friends before the school years over.
Damn..
And soon enough, by like mid-April ill be busy starting to plan my quince.
Things needed for a quince:
Dress
Guest list
Theme
Food
Entertainment
Father-Daughter Dance
Court (sometimes)
Building to hold it in
Decorations
What We Have:
Half way done with the Father-Daughter Dance.
"Building" To hold it in,
(my grandpas ranch)
and SOME decorations, but like little things.
thats it. so ive gota busy summer ahead of me.
Pluuus i want to have an after party at my house.
So yeah, around April i gotta start worrying about that
and my July- August i have to order my dress.
Basically by August all we should have to do is finish buying decorations.
Ive already got 600 bucks saved up for it so itll be fun.
my sisters only had 1000 so if i have even just the slightest bit more itll be good(:
Anyways, im gonna go ask my mom to take me out somewhere (:
Goodbyeee!

So like-Brianna

2011-03-18T21:37:00.002-05:00

i know i talk about my best friend all the time
but i never talk about WHY i love him to death
or WHY hes amazing.
So i think i will.
because hes just totally made me super happy this past week(:
When we met last year in the nurses office, i knew we'd get to know each other
and i knew there was a chance that wed become really close friends.
but i NEVER imagined it to be this amazing
or this close.
I never thought HED be the one who holds all of my secrets
and all of my trust.
we got to know each other a little better and by the time auditions rolled around i found myself wanting to audition with HIM.
Well, i did.
but we didnt really talk after that
after rehearsals started we talked more and more
and got closer and closer
we took advantage of the time we had to spend with each other.
like second period theatre arts.
probably my favorite class last year.
not gonna lie, mainly because of him.
it was weird cause to this day, a year and plus some after being soo close to him ive never had a crush on him.
and at times i really wish i did.
cause in all honesty, i reaaally wouldnt be surprised if end up dating again, or in al honesty, were so perfect for each other that i can see us being happily married.
infact today we were joking around about that too.
and the other day at lunch my friend caleb said "damn it brianna if you dont marry him hes going to turn gay and its going to be all our fault!"
he was so serious.
my mom agrees with him.
and Oscar thinks theres a possibility.
So i havent seen him in two weeks.
i miss him like crazy D:
we text a lot but its not the same.
and right now my family is going through something really hard to deal with and i reeeally need his comforting hugs,
but instead i just get Hollywood and his Axe spray.
anyways
as to why i love him:
hes always there for me.
i dont think ive gone through ANYTHING alone since i met him.
we've been on four dates and every single time we had soo much fun.
hes my ex boyfriend. but i hardly remember sometimes.
^ why?
Well, you see, ive never had a crush on him so we dated for a week then decided that we're just to good of friends to risk it.
Plus i think the pressure from everyone telling us to go out starting on the day we met just made it so weird.
It sounds weird but while we were dating, we were the main topic of me and my friends,
and him and his friends,
and my family,'
and his.
Too much of one topic gets boring right?
well one week was too long for us.
anyways, more reasons
hes insanely stupid(:
hes fun to be around
Hes more than a brother, and more than a best friend.
i guess now that i think of it,that describes boyfriend doesnt it?
hm.. well it doesnt matter.
its just how our friendship works.
some people use the "love-hate" relationships,
some use "I love you like a sis"
then theres "twins"
and just friends
and best friends.
they're really all just titles.
either way its just a FRIENDship.
Besides, IIIIf i ever did consider dating him again, itd have to wait until next year because of a couple of reasons.
speaking of.
Gosh i cannot wait til next year!
Band is going to be LOADS of fun with him!
Summer band, practices, bus rides, football games, trips.
mann...(:
But im scared im getting my hopes to high.
like what if he moves? I move? He gets out of MISD? or i do? Or what if we just grow apart?
I hate to admit it but things like that really terrify me.
I dont understand how ive gone so long without seeing my best friend every Mon-Fri,
and to not see him ever would just completely suck major butt.
I'll be the first to admit,
sometimes i think i have separation anxiety.
but i understand everything happens for a reason
and theres a reason why i met him,
theres a reason why i started school in cali, and therefore im a year ahead
theres a reason for all of it, and one day ill find out.
so now, why i think hes amazing,
More like why dont i?!
First of all, of the things i listed above work for this too.
plus hes a really amazing guy.

Why?!-Brianna

2011-03-14T10:41:00.002-05:00

So ive been talking to an old friend for a while
and guess who likes him?
Guess who he likes?(:
No.
I mean yes he likes me,
but no its not a good thing.
I ran into him last night and he asked me
"So if we were alone how far would you go with me?"
With a smile on his face.
Just like the other D-bags ive dated :/
pisses me the hell off.
Like at least i didnt let myself soo hung over this guy.
Better to find out hes like all the other guys now than after we dated,
or anything else happened.
See, i just personally find that question suuch a turn off.
So im not going to lie, i used to consider getting asked for sex almost like a compliment. i found it flattering, but I've realized that its NOT.
Not at all.
But anyways, so i liked this guy, but now i know to stay clear of him cause if i just let him keep asking me that he'll take it farther.
On a good note, i absolutely love my best friend to death.
i told him about all thatt ^^^
and this was our conversation about it:
Oscar:Bewwy?
Me:Mh?
Oscar:So, if we were alone, how long do you think our hugs and naps would last?(:
Me:Forever(:
Oscar:Is THAT a turn off?(:
Me: No, Not at all <3
Oscar: I love you berry(:
Me:I know, i love you too(:
END x)
He just knows how to make me frooberly happy even in situations like this.
i know its not a big deal but it kind of is cause i havent really been into anyone this year except for the Senior :P

Goddamn... - Lauren

2011-03-08T14:47:00.000-06:00

He's home and safe, both boys are okay, both parents are freaking out, Jim of course was unseat-belted so he banged his head on the dashboard so he might have a concussion. But they're mostly okay. Jarrett's trying to figure things out on the police side, I'm trying not to throw up because lunch just isn't sitting well, I'm all stress broken out, but again. we're all okay. Just stressed. ><

What a Fucking Night. - Lauren

2011-03-08T05:45:00.000-06:00

When something bad happens dad gets this particular sound in his voice. I don't hear it often, but when I do I know that's when it's really bad. It's this high pitched sound, usually attached to a 'what' when he hears. he simply can't understand why something is the way it is, and you can hear it in his voice. I heard that sound tonight. Let me explain...

Went to bed at 12:30 totally exhausted from the awesome concert I went to see last night.
Too tired for choir practice the next morning, decide that I'm going to sleep in and stay until normal school time.
But lo and behold, 4:30 AM Who other to wake me up by banging on the door than Julie Corbell - Patrick's mom. She proceeds to apologize for waking me and tells me that Jim and Patrick were joyriding in a stolen car (my uncle's car) and were chased by the cops up to 120 miles an hour and hit a guardrail. She proceeds to further tell me that Patrick is in the hospital and Jim, my wonderful brother, ran from the cops. He was texting her with Patrick's phone, but that was all, and she knew she had to tell us. I of course get the fun job of waking dad up and telling him this lovely news.

This is when Dad gets the sound in his voice. We're all outside trying to figure out what to do and how to do it, considering we can't get ahold of him. All we know is that he passed Sam Bass and hopped a bunch of barbed wire fences so his hands are all torn up. We know there was blood, but Jim being a 16 year old, 'knows some medical stuff, so he's okay'. Dumbass wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Dad called Jarrett, the defuser and detective for the austin police department - our kindly cop friend who Jim trusts, and we sent Jim his number. Jim (thank god) called him, and Jarrett got his location out of him and got him to stay there, he got him fixated on just wanting to get back to his own warm bed instead of running. Dad's on his way to get him. Julie went home (her mother and daughter were in the car with her, having come from the hospital with patrick). I get to sit and wait, and wait until bryan wakes up and I get to tell him Jim stole and wrecked his car, and try to calm him down. I'd rather be anywhere else.

And of course, it's five in the fucking morning so no one is awake for me to tell this too, so I'm talking to the blog. Hi blog, how are you? Feeling Bloggy today? well that's dandy. Me? Oh i'm just shaking and just as worried as anyone else, but i get to sit and play the waiting game. Oh that sounds fun does it? do I detect some sarcasm? I think I do. Well bloggy... I think I'm going to put something on netflix and eat some mini wheats if I can and try to calm down, and hope someone wakes up. Thanks for listening dear bloggy. Oh, no, I don't think I'll be going to sleep.

Borken- Brianna

2011-03-06T18:49:00.002-06:00

Broken.
Thats what my family is like.
My sisters gone.
theres no hope in talking her out of anything these days.
shes so different and i hate it.
So theres this program, TSCO Explorers
And theres this guy Chris,
my moms convinced he likes one of us.
i doubt it.
but shes a mom, she wont let us say he doesnt.
anyways.
so he wants to go to my next competition,
and my mom told my sister.
Her response?
"Why would he like her? Maybe hes going because Tana used to do Color Guard"
So then this morning she told me she has a crush on him.
So shes mad cause hes going to my competition.
im so annoyed with her.

LOLOLOL-Brianna

2011-02-25T22:24:00.002-06:00

Just thought id show you two conversations with my best friend.
Last night:
Oscar: I wish you were here so we could 'leep
Me: Mhh, Me too <3
Today:
Oscar:Iloveyouberrymuchoberry(:
Me: Youre Stupid -.-
This is why i LOVE our friendship to death.
Him sending thatt ^^ made me happy,
but he doesnt have to know that :P
I like the way he treats me, and the way i treat him,
and how he knows when im only messing with him
and when im upset
and when im excited
and when to say what
and when to shut the hell up.
Damn itt, i really hate how PERFECT we are for each other
it makes me soooo upset that there are no sparks what so ever.
Its suuuuch a waste of a perfect relationship.
But iguess if we dont push it, itll COME naturally x)
So these past few months of being friends with this amazing girl named Casey,
Ive become so dirty x)
Its actually quiet entertaining :D
Hehe well ive got competition tomorrow so goodnight(:

One week later- Brianna

2011-02-24T21:43:00.002-06:00

i feel like ive started to pick up some dance from Winter guard
and so when im not having good days,
i resort to dancing to loud music in my room.
Ive resorted to staying out of my ouse as long as possible.
By choice.
Mondays: im gone from 9:30 to 9:30
Tuesday: 7:15 to 6
Wednesday:7:15 to 10
Thursday: 7:15 to 9:30
Friday: 7:15 to 5
Saturday: when i have competitions im out from as early as 3 to as late as 12. If i dont, i make plans to go out
Sunday: All day im relaxing in my room getting ready for the week ahead.
I hate the fact that so far this week ive eaten dinner alone every single day expect for Wednesday.
Like ive realized that 5/7 of my days every week are spent eating dinner alone.
Its kinda weird but at the end of it i learn to deal with it.
So when i talk to my best friend, its usually so efortless.
As of yesterday, its felt like forced.
weve hardly had a conversation since then and it feels weird
i guess maybe im just too clingy and i need to back off.
Either way i despise it.
I really hope it goes away soon.
So TAKS is on Tuesday.
I cannot believe how quickly this year has flown by!! It is soo insane.
Like theres onnly 12 more weeks left of school not counting spring break!
TWELVE!!!
twelve more mondays,
twelve more Fridays!
2 TAKS,
3 Competitions,
12 more practices!
so little...

Helll.... - Lauren

2011-02-18T17:53:00.000-06:00

And now there's 40 dollars missing from the jar containing the donations we got at the EPIC faire - it wasn't me, dad, or bryan.... And jim just didn't bother showing up for school today because I had to leave early for choir practice so I couldn't drag him out of bed... GRR.
Again, sorry for all the ranting.
Just don't really have anywhere else to go with it.
I wonder if anyone actually reads this. :/ Ah well. It's a sounding board a guess. *sigh*

damn- Brianna

2011-02-17T20:20:00.002-06:00

i feel like i havent posted in forever.
either that for times going by really fast.
Anyywho, so whats new?
nothing -.-
Well its been about a week and a half and well..
I see my best friend every Tuesday, we text 24/7 i havent hung out with him since the 23rd of January.
I havent seen Lexi since the first.
ive hardly talked to her.
Nilsa? Damn. i feel like its been forever.
Dude, i havent seen her since before Christmas.
We've texted a few times, nothing much though.
a little bit of a catch up but thats all.
As of Tuesday Lexi lang is mad at me x(
Damn, i miss my friends.

sigh - Lauren

2011-02-17T00:39:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the spam... but damn.
I'm getting tired of living with the bitching and griping.
Dad's now chewing jim out for the things I mentioned in my last post.
Dad came home and was all grumpy and shit then found out all this shizz.
I'm getting so.. so tired of this.

I guess I'll go try to sleep.

The Dating Situation - Lauren

2011-02-16T22:27:00.000-06:00

So John and I have been dating for a month now (as of yesterday). It's still very strange to me... I don't really know what to make of it. I guess I'm really behind on all this... It's a little sad really... But hey. I'm catching up. quite probably too fast for my liking. I spent the weekend with a bunch of scare people, camping out at Jarrett's parent's ranch out past san saba, and of course because it was a scare thing John was there, and it was an amazing weekend. Saturday night it got down to 23 degrees and it was cold as all hell, and Jarrett had set up a movie outside to amuse the teenagers while the adults slept, and John and I were curled up in a chair together to stay warm, it was really comfy, and I really enjoyed that part. I slept on his shoulder both two and a half hour car rides, up and back, it was nice. But... he came over for a little while on valentines day and things got... well lets say you put two teenagers who really like each other in a house alone, and guess what happens. We didn't go all the way but we got pretty damn close and it spooked me a bit...

This is going to sound really weird but... none of that sexual stuff really matters to me. Like, at all. I'm such a complete and utter hopeless romantic, I love all the dumb, romantic, sweet, whatever, stuff. I love the stupid heart fights and the endless compliments on both ends... I love hearing I love you and saying it back, But... The other end of it... Really I couldn't care less. Clearly he does care. But... I just don't know if I want to go there yet. But... It really doesn't seem to affect me much either way.

The only thing I'm really concerned about is how broke i am and I don't want to do Shit unless I know damn sure nothing's going to come of it that will affect my future. I may not know what I want that future to be yet, but I know damn well I don't want to be one of those girls, just graduated with an infant on her hip. I want kids and a family, when I'm older and after I've had a chance to live my life.

I feel kinda bad, he wants to do a lot of what some refer to I guess as sexting, and I really couldn't care less, but I'm working on my physics project and ranting here, I really didn't feel like going there right now, I just turned my phone off. I needed a chance to think. I suppose that's the problem with teenage boys.... and being me. I really just... Don't care. I guess I probably should, but... I don't. Is that weird...? I really don't entirely know what to do here... >< I guess I just kinda wish you could turn that part off. Just have the gooey yucky romantic stuff, without bothering with the rest, but... That doesn't happen. ^_^;; I guess I'll just have to figure out where my line is and what I'm comfortable doing, since it's not for me... Bleh. >< Stupid being complicated. :/

My brother... BAH - Lauren

2011-02-16T22:01:00.000-06:00

And in addition to all that I spent a good portion of today the ass end of my brother's antics... He left home at like 6:20 this morning, I assumed to walk to his 7:45 choir rehearsal at school, but apparently he didn't bother to go to that. then when I was in chamber second period Dr. Fish pulled me aside and told me about this talk he had with my brother, about how he could be awesome if he put his mind to it, and Fish would love to move him up, but he needs to be eligible and isn't... And all that crap. then third period after lunch Miss Jones called me aside and asked me where my brother has been, to which i responded "he hasn't been here...?" apparently he's been skipping his PE class. Awesome. She emailed my dad. He's not home yet but I am not looking forward to all the bitching that's going to happen when he does.... THEN on top of that fun fun day at school I come home and get a text from Jim on a friend's phone saying he's going to a party with Johnny and isn't going home, though i was pretty much under the impression that he was going to an amp-guard meeting today, and when I asked he said He didn't have a ride. Right as I received that text his ride showed up. Doc and Sianne were supposed to take him to the meet, which he apparently forgot. I handed Doc the Phone and he called Jim, and basically gave him the WTF Dude speech, and Jim ditched. He just decided he wasn't coming back. >< Doc was less than pleased about driving down from south austin to get him. Sianne decided she didn't feel like going, so she and Doc dragged me out of my house to go get dinner, we went to schlotzskys and had pizza, good times were had, but oaiyeofrhslkdfsiotoerzsdklfclkshj I wanna strangle my brother sometimes. >< Well... A lot of the time. He's dating MJ, who I don't mind so much as a person, but she's super loud and super dramatic and always has to be the center of attention, If you turned her dial down from 100 to maybe 30 then I think I could like her, but opefhasijd she's so ridiculous. >< Dad was less than pleased about that too. I dislike a lot of his new emo friends. I just... they are so ridiculous and bad for him. He smokes alll the freakin time now. :/ it's obonxious. I just kinda can't stand him when he's like this... I hate it, but it's true.

On a plus side, I was worried I just didn't like James (one of the guys from scare who Montanna rather likes) and I discovered that when he's not around my brother he's a lot more mellow and a much cooler person, and the dirty jokes are far less often and far less obnoxious, when my brother isn't around. I am very glad I like him, I was worried I didn't, and Montanna really does. >< But yeah, I do. :)

Life after School... - Lauren

2011-02-16T21:46:00.000-06:00

I really have very little idea what to do with my life after school. At least some college at ACC sounds about right for me, a job, a car, but I have no idea how to go about any of this... and the only two people who have offered to help are my counselor who is super busy and spend a good 45 minutes last time I was in there complaining at me for my lack of direction and the fact that I haven't taken the SAT or anything... And The second... I just got a facebook message from none other than Amanda telling me how important college and a job is, and that she's willing to help me out if i need it.

I really don't understand why no one I would accept help from has offered, and one of maybe three or four people who I would turn it down from has offered... I'm honestly... Gah... If it was anyone else... But I really just can't stand to be around her anymore... She wore the shirt i made her this time last year today, and it honestly unsettled me. That solid reminder of what we used to be... and kindof the day I stopped liking her... I gave it to her as a valentines present since my brother had just dumped her and i figured she wouldn't have a valentine, but she had all this crap from Anysa that day as valentines presents... And I was rather put off. Seeing it again... Kinda sucked. I miss being friends with her, but not her as she is now. Her as she was. See when we were at the college fair she had won this giant seton medical clinic t-shirt, and gave it to me to fix up into something fun for her. I basically shredded the back and tied the ends, and sewed a felt wolf on the back above it (her nickname was wolfie) and had all of our friends sign the front or doodle something. that testament to how our friendship was... I miss it. But I just can't look at her without feeling like crap for believing it for so long.

I can't wait till I'm out of there. so much shit I won't have to deal with anymore... I just wish I knew what shit I will have to deal with... >< Stupid real life not having a rule book. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. Everyone seems to know but me...

I. Hate. This.-Brianna

2011-02-08T18:09:00.002-06:00

My best friend.
i hate him.
hes so amazing
and perfect
and so..
FAR!!
I miss seeing him all the time and in the halls and at rehearsals.
and just like, always, and never, and randomly, and like noticing the days when hes gone, and like just on random occasions. you know?
Sighh,
well anyways i saw him today.
He smelt amazing.
I miss him.
Like crazy.
Like beyond crazy.
Anyways, my friend lexi, shes pretty damn close to me too,
she got mad cause i was talking to him instead of her.
I love her to death, but she needs to know im not ALL hers,
just like shes not all mine, yet she gets mad at me?
its unfair to me and i feel really bad for talking to him,and i shouldnt, i know i shouldnt.
but she makes me feel like im doing something bad.
i hate it x(
why cant my best friend just be at school with me already?
Thered be no more drama like this,
and id see him every single monday-friday.
Siiiiiiggggghhhhhhh.......

Aww - Lauren

2011-02-05T15:27:00.000-06:00

"You know what else is awesome about you?" - John
"What? :O" - Me
"I've never wanted to say I love you so much to any one person before." - John

Awwww~ <3
^////^ So cute

Super Snow Day :D - Lauren

2011-02-04T17:56:00.000-06:00

So I was sick all day yesterday, missed school, felt like crap.

I woke up this morning, and within like fifteen minutes I was having an awesome day.
I felt way better, School was canceled, and it was Snowing! :D

I love Snow, if I had to pick any one thing that reminded me of my childhood it would be snow. I moved a lot when I was a kid, so there aren't any places or people that work, But I grew up in Chicago and what else do Chicagoan think of but snow? :) I love Snow~

It was amazing. And my day quickly got better, John had the day off too so he came over around 11:30 and we went for a walk, I froze my toes off (slush got into my shoes), the fingers of the hand that wasn't holding his froze off, my nose froze, but it was totally worth it. :)
We came back and hung out, messed with my cat, and, yeah. XD It was just kindof weird because my brother was just sitting at the computer playing Bubble Tank 3, and it was weird. O.o it took him like an hour to get the hint and eff off. ^_^;; I suppose it's kinda weird for him because he and John are friends too, but... yeah. He needed to go. Lol. ^_^ It was pretty funny, at one point Jim walked out of his room to grab his bag with this look on his face, and went back into his room, and I said to John "I know that look, I'm never going to hear the end of this." and we laughed, and Dad sent me a message expressing his displeasure at my just leaving, even though I totally didn't, I said we were just going for a walk and would be right back, and I knew I was going to get yelled at, but the awesome thing is neither thing happened. :D

But Yeah... with the exception of Bryan, Jim and Dad bitching at each other constantly, today's been amazing. <3

Glad to be back - Lauren

2011-02-01T18:58:00.000-06:00

I know over the last few months I've been dealing with a lot of shit and fighting getting into the dark place, but No more! I know maybe it seems silly, but This has done so much more for me than just getting a boyfriend.
John asked me out officially two weeks ago today, to which I of course said yes. ;)
The last two weeks have been pretty amazing, though it feel like sooo much longer than that. We've been on two dates and He came to one of the EPIC rehearsals.
We've texted every night from when I get home until one of us falls asleep (with the occasional internet fail on my part - but I ordered my new phone so by the end of the week I should be back in business! :D)
He's so sweet, I couldn't have imagined better. :)

But even more than just that I'm simply... Happy again. I mean, it's like it kindof restored my faith in myself and reminded me that I AM good enough, which I think I was starting to forget before. But now... I think even if this falls through (Which I don't think it will and I sincerely hope it doesn't) I'll be able to get back on my feet and live my life again.
I remember now how much I like being happy.
I really don't ever want that feeling to go away again.
I missed it, I just didn't know how much.
I feel like I'm finally back to being myself again. I wasn't ever that sad alone person, that's just not who I am. But this... I'm so much happier and when I smile all the time at school I'm not faking it, it's real and I love it.
I missed this... So so so much.
I'm glad to be back. :)

No Sleep- Brianna

2011-01-31T07:28:00.002-06:00

So last night i got no sleep.
well five hours, but thats nothing compared to the long day ahead of me.
anyways i went to bed at 9 woke up at 2
i had a text from oscar so i replied to it hoping hed text me back.
why? i couldnt sleep x)
anyways even though i wanted him to, i doubted that it would happen.
to my surprise ten minutes later he did reply.
we texted til about 5:30
then he said he was going to sleep x)
anyways so i havent been able to sleep since then,
and so im uberly glad its late start so that im not rushing at all.
the things we talked about you wonder?
Well we talked about our kids, Annalise and Alfredo Jiames Perez :P
And we talked about the far future,
and we told each other stories,
then we talked about how hes gonna get fired from him job because he puked on his bosses shoes cause i made him drink a lot the night before,
then we talked about wht would happen if we were married, then we talked about his uncle, then making him unshy, and then, the sweet comments came in.
"banana berry? <3 im holding my blanket really tight" (insider)
"ily banana berry. i jst wanna sleep w u"
"next time we hang out, or date, or whatever lets just devote like 2 hours to 'leeping? plz(: i just wanna sleep and dream with you"
"lolol! i wanna be holding you when we 'leep"
And then, the Spanish came in <3333333
"Brianna?" Te quiero aqui conmigo"
"yo quiero sonar contiho. yo me quiero dormir abrasondote"
and then he went to bed x)
its all really sweet and flattering x)
anyways, i have homework to finish before school x)

Japaan much? -Haley

2011-01-29T20:28:00.002-06:00

Hey blooog(:
Well Ive had one of the best days I feel so productive. I went to my meeting and I had sooo much fun. I met so many new people and learned a lot of things for my trip to Japan in 5 months! Me and Savanna are still friends and I met Kourtney, which I have to say, she is pretty amazing. I finished all of my quizzes and finally got my travel journal. I feel like time is finally moving ! and as for me and Chaiya, we hit a little bump in the road but other than that we're pretty good. I've decided not to get on facebook more than 3 times in a day excluding my phone, because i need to learn all the Japanese I can learn! and pass all my classes and pass TAKS and go to Japan~ I have a lot to do with the project fair, passport, moving, school work, friends, boyfriend, keeping up with the emails and things that are due in order for me to go to Japan. Waah I feel good, having a lot to do. I like this feeling. Well sayonara for now, Blog
Arigato Gozaimasu (:
Oyasumi o motte !
Ja Matta Ne

Okay So- Brianna

2011-01-29T19:12:00.002-06:00

So a lot happened this week.
Me and Oscar broke up,
projects were started
projects were due,
i saw my two best friends two days in a row,
and i realized how much i miss them like crazy.
Okay so Oscar and I broke up on Monday morning.
It was really mutual, but i brought it up.
The thing I told him was that
I'd rather lose him now as a boyfriend,
than get into a fight about something stupid,
and never talk to him again.
You know?
But now that I think about it,
I shouldn't have done it.
We're so perfect for each other that like it was really stupid to have broken up
even my mom said that the next time he comes over shes going to sit us down and tell us how stupid we are for braking up.
But regardless,
now we're even closer than before,
and with the conversation we had last night,
I have a feeling we're going to get back together.
It was a really nice conversation.
It was literally about nothing, and everything at the same time.
You know?
Well anyways, for now, My best friend remains my best friend and nothing more.
We'll we started a geometry project this week.
I like my partners, Aaron and Caleb.
Aaron: i used to have a crush on last year :P thinking back its quiet funny.
Caleb: hes pretty cute, and funny, but egh, not my type.
anyways, i think ill do good working with them, which will hopefully keep my grade in there above a 90 and maybe this 6 weeks ill have an A(:
my Psycho-Tech Writing project was due.
as a group we got a 98
oral communication i got a 92.
not to bad i suppose, but it could be better.
I'm anxious to see my grades for this progress report x)
Im really trying to focus on school.
And its not as hard as i thought it would be.
Like before id be like
"well no big deal at least im not failing"
but now i really wanna try to get straight A's
Just to prove to myself that I can do it.
Anyways.
So Decker had their auditions for the one act play this year on Tuesday.
That morning i texted my two favorite people ever and wished them luck on auditions.
Little did they know that id be there for them supporting them.
I went to Decker after school to surprise everyone.
Seeing them again felt soo amazing.
Like being able to actually hug them and see them,
it was just great.
I miss them more now that i dont see them though.
Like on Thursday morning i thought to myself
" Oh well brianna, this is your life now. Dont get to used to seeing them. Not for another two weeks at least"
it sucks a little but i know that in 7 months for sure one of them will be with me at new tech.
Well that has been my life for the past week
I hope you enjoyed it :P

Oscar, Oh Oscar- Brianna(:

2011-01-19T21:52:00.002-06:00

So weve only been dating 3 days,
but i love where our relationship is going.
We're still best friends,
but we add that little ingredient to our recipe that spices it up
you know?(:
Like i know him better than he knows himself,
and he knows me better than i know myself
and its simply because hes my best friend
not because hes my boyfriend
and not because weve been dating for 3 days,
and have been on dates,
and...no, its none of that,
its because hes my best friend,
and im really glad im dating him,
like i never noticed this but,
i dont like to be in bad moods around him.
ever.
theres been ONCE when i asked him not to tell me about his bad day cause i was in a horrible mood,
i gave in and let him tell me, and he ended up making me smile at the end of it,
and today i was in on so so mood, and he made it better,
just by making a stupid comment (:
He very sweet.
very polite,
so much sweeter than any of the other guys ive dated,
and were taking things slow and i like it!
maybe its just because of the distance,
but i like not making out with him after only a day of dating,
i like not being all over him,
i like having stories to tell him,
and hearing his stories
and not being like "yeah i was there"
You know?
every day its something new and i like it(:
So before he goes into the school building he texts me,
tells me hes leaving,
and turns off his phone until he gets home,
well today durring his lunch he texted me saying something along the lines of
"Banana Berry(: I'm at lunch, hope youre having a good day! Muah! Talk to you at 3:35(:"
The little efforts he makes you know?
and anyways, so after he texts me his "gtg to school berry ttyl!"
i text him back saying "okay have a good day ttyl" blah blah blah right?
well he told me that he turns off his phone before i reply so that when he turns it on, he has a text from me to read(:
Everyday.
Tell me thats not the sweetest thing ever(:
so yeah,
were still in that phase crossing from best friends to
boyfriend/ girlfriend.
Hopefully our February date helps just a bit(:

day 2- Brianna

2011-01-18T20:12:00.002-06:00

Second day dating Oscar.
Its starting to feel different,
Like more of a couple than just friends
you know?
It'll get there soon(:
Well just thought id update.
KBye Guys(:
Oh P.S. He keeps calling me girlfriend(:
I think thats pretty cuuute x)

My First Kiss... I feel like such a girl - Lauren

2011-01-17T20:03:00.003-06:00

So uh... Guess what happened to me last night. Yeah. That's right. Somebody kissed me.
I was at the scare brainstorm meeting early, so I was sitting alone and reading, and as people showed up John came over and joined me, saying I looked lonely. I was reading and thinking about my last post, so I wasn't really up for too much company, but I welcomed his, he's always nice to hang out with. We talked for a while till the meeting was just about to start, then we got up, wandered a bit, then sat down again. The moment I sat down I was flanked by Charity and Montanna - they smooshed in against my sides and said I looked lonely. John considered for a moment, then took off his jacket and laid it against my legs which were folded against me, and used them as a back rest. I felt completely trapped and squashed - but not in a bad way. I felt loved. ^_^

So after a while of meeting Jarrett called a 5 minute break, which lasted more like 15, and we all got up, stretched, and walked around some. During this time Rowan grabbed my hand and pulled me into the hallway. She asked me if I liked John, and when I responded after a moment of thought that I didn't know she told me that she was pretty sure he liked me. I got all embarrassed and shook my head; I didn't really believe it and just kind of wrote it off. When we went to sit back down Montanna took up her seat, but John stole Charity's on my side, and after some failed convincing John to move she took his on my knees. We kept talking in whispers through some boring presentations by some less than fascinating characters, so we had to be close otherwise we wouldn't hear each other. Then.... Out of the blue he just leaned over and kissed me.
I was totally caught by surprise, and didn't really react, but when he pulled away with this really worried look in his eye I smiled really shyly because inside I was flipping out in what seemed like slow motion and scooted a little, then laid my head on his shoulder. He kind of muttered something under his breath and when I asked him what he said he did the whole "I didn't say anything" thing, and when I finally got him to tell me he looked all embarrassed and said I was really pretty - and when I was all embarrassed and said thank you, he kissed me again. This time I kissed him back. It was really nice... not exactly what I expected. I never expected my first kiss to be squashed under Charity and up against Montanna, I never expected it to be him, I never expected it to happen in a scare meeting hiding in the corner, I honestly had no idea what to expect about what it felt like... but it was definitely worth it.
When we pulled away he took my hand in his and gave me this really cute shy smile, and we settled in to watch the rest of the rather strange presentation.
We pretty much spent the rest of the time hanging out together, holding hands with the occasional stolen kiss or my head on his shoulder, kind of bouncing from group to group once it was over and everyone was wandering and hanging out. At one point when we weren't holding hands and Charity apparently just noticed things she dragged me aside and asked me if I liked him (To which I responded I think I did), because he had a huge crush on me, she could tell, and told me that she was pretty sure he was about as shy as I was and if I didn't ask him out she was going to tell him for me. I'm not sure how she managed to miss everything that was going on considering she was lying on my knees when it happened; I guess she was really focused. but yeah... We kept trying to escape his parents so they wouldn't make him leave, it was amusing. Rowan at one point ran up and glomped onto both of us announcing that we were "soooo cute!" and dashed off again, my brother just kind of reacted like... Oh now? What is this? ^_^;; Dork.
But yeah. I feel awesome. My tummy is all full of butterflies and my face is way too hot, but this was exactly what I needed to pull me out of the rut I had been in. I feel so much better about life... And I feel kind of ridiculous for it, but I do.
He wants me to go to Jarrett's overnight Paintball extravaganza birthday party... thing. It's on Jarrett's parent's ranch and everybody from scare was invited. I really want to go. I don't play paintball, but plenty of people go to watch. ^///^
Even if nothing comes of this I'm glad it happened... at the very least I know someone was interested in me enough to try. Which I didn't believe before now would ever happen.
He didn't exactly ask me out... but I'm honestly hoping he will. I do think I like him, despite thinking I'd never like someone shorter than me, I guess I proved myself wrong. ^///^
So thank you John Ilger.
And I like you too. :)

Im...-Brianna

2011-01-16T21:32:00.002-06:00

Im dating my best friend..
i dont know what else to say.
am i surprised?
not at all.
did i expect it to happen this soon?
no.
its hard to explain how it happened too..
it was soo.. difficult.
like we talked about dating,
we both said no
then he started thinking for a while
next thing i hear him say
"Kiss me again"
i replied "Oscar no we both agreed not to right?"
Then he hugged me and went for my neck.
I pushed him off a little saying no,
he said "please just one more"
and so we did.
he pulled out,
and with a confused face asks,
"Will you go out with me?"
it was actually really cute in a way.
later he told me what he was thinking about.
his ex.
most recent one.
said that after their second date he realized he had feelings for her, and so thats why he asked me to kiss him(:
Then after i did he realized he liked me.
Ah, as if out of a fairytale(:
God i loved our 8 and a half hour date :P
hehehe(:

Oy - My brother. >< - Lauren

2011-01-15T20:49:00.002-06:00

So my brother is now that guy.

The emo kid who pierces his own ears in the bathroom With a safety pin and hides them under h
his hair.

The stoner who can't go more than a couple hours without smoking.

The obnoxious teen who hides everything from his family.

Yet he's either really dumb, or somewhere in there he wants to be Jimbo instead of James, he wants to tell his family and be the good kid again. He wants to be found out. Otherwise he wouldn't smoke in his closed room, he wouldn't pierce his ears and leave the blood in the sink. He wouldn't tell me the same lie every time he's out because he'd know I'll check with Johnny because we're kindof friends too and he'd realize Johnny would tell me Jim hasn't been with him.

I'm not sure what he expects... But especially when he and dad move into a much smaller space together when I move out... Nothing is staying secret. I'm not sure what to do... I think that there's two reasons i haven't told dad. One, I'm not sure his methods are helping. Two... Sam made me promise not to meddle... And while she may not care about our friendship anymore... I still care and keep my promises to her. Even the dumb ones. She made me promise when she left not to raise the roof until she got back. Guess what I haven't done? Even if her promises to me don't mean shit to her I still care enough to keep mine, and if that means I don't raise the roof till the day that I die then so be it.
And I won't meddle... No matter how much it sucks... I have to believe staying out of the middle and as far out of this mess as I can is for the best.

I hope keeping my promises doesn't bite me in the ass.

Im pretty dissapointed-Brianna

2011-01-11T17:49:00.002-06:00

Me and Oscar planned this reeeaally cute date for saturday.
Me him my house, cuddling couch, blankets, movie marathon, hot chocolate, and blankets.
Cute right?
Especially for a second date x)
Well guess what?
Plans ruined.
Moms making me go to a party.
All honesty, none of us wanna go.
Especially me.
Considering I never see Oscar,
and we have the opportunity then,
but i cant.
it sucks.
we were gonna chill from 3 to 11 because he wanted me to tell all my friends
that hes been the only boy to stay that late.
I told him about how marcos came over from 4 to 10
and that that was the longest.
He said "lets break that record :D"
He wanted to have a special title i guess.
Mhh, its only tuesday though, i only have to know by 2 on saturday so ive got time
to convince her otherwise.
God i really hope we can hang because this is the only weekend this month that id be able to,
but not that i have that party, it looks like were really gonna have to wait til February.
Yeah thats how pathetic this is.
my next free weekend? 2-12-11.
Every weekend from now til then is booked.
Blah. I just reaaally need this day with him.
Our last date was the 20th of December,
this one would be the 15th, which is clsoe enough to the 20th
see what were doing?
Once a month we go on a date.
Kind of like an anniversary.
Just...Not.
Okay so this might sound..pathetic?
but, a sevie told him she loved him.
he doesn't like her.
but... im feeling just the tiniest of intimidation.
They see each other every day, who knows maybe hell feel the same?
Goodness thats more pathetic than i thought it would sound....
Well its official.
I need a high school life.
Get over my middle school one cause its never gonna be the same.
Ever.
my friends are different, the works harder, the time is spent differently,
everythings different.
i just have the slightest hope that next year will be much better with all the cavis that are coming in.

Mhhh(: 2011-Brianna

2011-01-10T17:07:00.004-06:00

God I love 2011 (:
I feel like everything's falling into place for me.
Minus my grades,
well for now at least.
Like I'm figuring out who my real friends are,
getting rid of the ones who don't matter,
getting OVER, I mean completely over, a senior,
Semi dating my best friend,
getting the new Ipod touch,
and joining TCSOE.
Okay so my grades aren't the best right now,
but its because teachers never put in grades and so the little we have,
doesn't count for much.
But I promised myself that I would get them up,
so thats my goal for next report card.
Real Friends: Oscar, Lexi, Nilsa, Casey, Paulina, Mark
I love these people <3
they mean the world to me,i know i can count on them for everythingg(:
like at the beginning of the year i was really scared and didnt know many people
so now that its January, I know who to trust and who not to.
The people im getting rid of: Oh my, theres so many of them.
Its crazy how one day you're best friends
and the nex you don't even talk.
High school is where you meet all the fake people.
It's so hard to find people who follow their own rules,
and dont act like a little puppy.
I'm glad the friends i have are my lucky few(:
Over the senior: :D Yep im pretty proud of myself.
Nothing there anymore.
Im guessing it really was just flattering that he was a senior.
Mhh(: Its a good feeling cause now i know what to do with Oscar.
Anyways so hes dating this freshman, and i dont know, its esxciting to see them together.
I guess theyre just that cute :P
Dating my best friend?! Yes.
Sort of.
Gosh its crazy.
The only thing thats stopping us from being official is the fact that we both flirt a lot.
I dont know if were gonna get together in these next 8 months,
but Sophomore year, yeah im pretty excited to see what happens between us.
But theres a few things that are making me...hesitant i suppose.
1. BEST. FRIENDS.
it never works out with best friends.
Well not usually.
2. BEST. FRIENDS.
what happens if we break up and things change? completely?
I hate using this example but: Martin.
it was a total 180 for us.
i dont want that with Oscar.
3. Distance.
Right now. thats whats holding us back.
4. Flirtyness
Again, just temporary.
5. Lexi.
Lexi. my cavi. i love her to death but,
i think she likes him STILL.
im not sure about him, but you know?
shes a close friend and shes sensitive,
if i do something like date oscar, shell go off.
So many things to risk..
But, in my opinion,
to see if theres anything between us, id be willing to risk most of it.
Ipod. 8 gig. 4th g. 2 cameras. Facetime. Yep its mine. As of last night x)
TCSOE
Travis County Sheriffs Office Explorers.
Basically they teach you 80% of things officers do x)
pretty cool huh?(:

F*** Everything... - Lauren

2011-01-10T00:50:00.000-06:00

I know I post here a lot and I'm so sorry if my rants bother anyone... but right now I kindof don't have anywhere to take this shit... So here comes another awesome rant of awesome (...Not)

So yeah. My day was just the shit. Got bitched at by Ashten because I couldn't be objective over her bitching about my best friend, Found out someone is 'boinked' someone else and wanted to smack her for her awful timing, sat by myself, freaked out because somebody completely vanished, froze my ass off because I was a dumbass and wore leggings instead of real pants, found out my brother is a stoner because he's suicidal, got left behind to sit by myself, got to breathe in all sorts of fucking smoke and shit and my eyes hurt from it, had to calm someone down because of a fucking Creeper who keeps threatening to show up, Sat by myself, Sat in the car staring out the window without saying a word for like an hour driving people home and not one person noticed enough to ask if I was okay, or anything.Yeah, the day definitely had fun parts, but I am not in the mood right now to shine with joy at 'the little things'.

Here's my conversation with Ashten to give you a hint of how my day started off.

Between You and Ashten Smith

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:44am Report

Do you have any advice on getting over people, lauren? No one is answering the phone and I am just feeling really upset over this stupid infatuation I have with, well, you know who. Even after all this time. It's seriously irritating. I even turned down someone because I am not over her. Not to mention, she just goes on with her life, not even caring about me at all, so that just makes this infatuation MORE irritating and I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry to come to you with this out of the blue...I just need someone to talk to and yeah...Sorry, man.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:49am

You're totally talking to the wrong person man... I'm the one who was in love with someone who completely turned her down for three years and currently likes someone who is afraid of relationships. I know it's irritating but I really don't know what to tell you...
She had to move on, for herself. She's with someone she really cares about now, and She's happy. I know it sucks, but she is.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 11:56am Report

Well, I am gonna be honest with you. I am glad she is happy, I really am but...nevermind, I'll talk to you later. I wish you could, just for one minute, not JUST think about her side of it. You don't understand what she did. And you probably won't. I am not trying to be mean or hateful but the way she dropped me was just horrible. I am not asking you to take my side. I am just asking you to be objective. But I'll talk to you later when I am not as upset as I am right now. Don't mention this to her. She is happy, I know. And I don't want her pitying me or any shit like that. In fact, don't mention this to anyone. I don't want people thinking I am some pathetic loser who can't get over someone after so long.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:59am

I'm sorry, but She's been my best friend for ten years, and I've had ten years of taking her side. I try to see both sides but People don't exactly like to give me all the details. and I'm not just picking her side just because, from what I've heard I believe she did what she had to. Maybe not in the best way, but she did what she had to. I'm not saying she's always right, but... I don't know.
Really I'm the worst person you could pick to be objective... I am sorry, but it's how my brain's been wired for ten years and that's a very hard habit to break.

Ashten Smith January 9 at 12:00pm Report

I know. I am sorry for expecting you to be objective.

Lauren Nystul January 9 at 11:35pm

Look... I'm sorry, But I really don't know what to say here... You never talk to me unless it's to try to talk about Sam which I told you ages ago I shouldn't be doing because I know I can't be fair and objective. About anything Else I can, but not this. I know we have our issues and she barely ever talks to me anymore, but I love her and I'm not going to give up on her as my best friend just so I can be objective.
I feel like shit a lot because it feels like people only give a shit I exist when they need someone to rant to. And I'm glad I can be that person, but where's anyone else when I need to talk? There's a reason I have a blog where I write all this shit, and a stack of letters too big to fit into an envelope if I ever meant to send them, Nobody gives enough of a shit to listen, and the ones that do are hard to get ahold of, or only care if they are in the right mood.

You're not the only one dealing with shit. I am sorry, i truly am, but you caught me on a really bad day. I'm dealing with liking someone afraid of relationships, i'm fighting depression because no one gives a shit about me in a crowd, I keep getting ditched to sit by myself, every fucking person in the world is a stoner, a smoker, Fucking everyone, or a drinker but me and I feel completely left out because it seems like that's all they are interested in or can talk about. I have no life because I am too busy being responsible to have one, and caring what happens to my body, which no one else seems to care about (either thing), I have to deal with my family bitching at me and everyone around me Constantly, leaving my house and entering a complete new world blindly at the end of the school year and moving in with Montanna who has kindof been driving me up a wall the past few weeks... I really don't know how to feel about any of this, and I'm sorry if I'm too bunged up to be objective.

I know I always seem happy, but I'm not. I have to fight it just like the rest of the world, I just want to be the happy person so bad that i put on the guise, no matter if i feel like hiding in my room for a week, and I know no one would notice if I did.

---------------------------------------------

I'm just so... tired of trying to live my life when no one seems to notice when I do. I know I exist only to please and help people, but it would be nice if I didn't sit by myself so often, and if people had more to talk about than sex drugs and alcohol. Maybe I'm just hanging out with the wrong people, but... I love my friends, and I want to be supportive, I just don't think I can do this... it's seriously... all they talk about! While we were freaking in the car two people kept making out, and I just felt so... Out of place. I swear, I've felt out of place before, but Never more than when I'm with these people.

I swear... sometimes I'm the only person who isn't stoned drugged drunk high or horny all the freaking time... I wish I had someplace to go where life was simpler. Where people wanted to talk about something other than that. I can't even get myself a boyfriend let alone all that. Maybe if I wanted to do all that I would, but I have just no interest in drugs or alcohol. I hate the smell of smoke and beer, it makes me sick and my eyes burn, I have no want at all to be around that. But it seems like if I want to have friends I don't have a choice. I just... I wish there was another option.

I feel so... Alone. All the time. don't get me wrong, I love all these people to death, but..... Nilsa is amazing, but impossible to get ahold of and to ever see - I haven't seen her since school started. Shea is awesome, but has a boyfriend and thus vanishes a lot. Montanna is great except she's one of those people. Courtney is awesome, but she wants Constant freaking contact and I just can't do that. I love Marly, but I can't get her to leave her house, and she loves kira and Jordy so much more now, I never see her except when she has to ride the bus with me. Sam..... that's a whole nother rant.

Sam (Or as She would now like to be called - Spencer (and she would like to be called He on that note as well)) has been my best friend for ten years. Ten fucking years. And she hasn't texted me back since December Fifteenth, and that was an eight text message conversation. But no, She's fucking talking to every other person in the world, including at least two she swore she never wanted to talk to again. But no. Not me. Not her best friend who has been at her side for ten years of bullshit and pain. I've been trying to wait for her to get over herself and realize she needs friends who she hasn't dated/isn't going to date, but it's been nearly impossible, because when you don't text her you don't exist. And for that matter, when I do text her I don't exist. On facebook if I comment on something it's all I love yous and we're bfffs forever, but...... I want our friendship to mean more to her than a poke on facebook. best friendship cant only be a poke war. I feel like I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she is or what she wants from life... I miss her so much, but honestly I miss who she was, because I don't know the first thing about her anymore. I don't know her favorite color, her favorite bands, I don't fucking know anything about her except that she no longer wants to be a 'her'. i feel like as she's shedding 'Sam' and becoming 'Spencer' I'm losing every connection I had with her. I feel like sam is my best friend, always will be, but I don't know the first thing about Spencer, and I don't think he gives a shit about me at all. She moved down to louisiana and went and got erself a new brother and a new family, and forgot about her old one. Except my brother. Him she talks to. Fuckin everybody else in the world but me.

Goddamn... I love these people, I love her, so much more than they can every imagine, but... I'm just so SICK of their SHIT. SICK OF IT. I'm never comfortable... I'm never just.. Happy. I miss being comfortable i my own skin, so much. I miss being secure in having a best friend and someone I could always go to. I miss not feeling alone in every step of my life, I miss not having a boyfriend not being a big deal. I miss not feelin like shit because no one seems to think I'm good enough to even ask out, let alone commit to a relationship. Someone told me that he kinda wanted to ask me out freshman year but didn't because he was with someone, but that doesn't mean shit. Awesome. You kinda liked me freshman year, but didn't tell me until senior year while you have a girlfriend. I never liked you really.... but that's not the point. I just... I wish SOMEONE would give a shit about me and show it. i miss feeling like a human being with a real shot at finding someone decent instead of a chubby broken out over emotional teenage girl who is a complete hopeless romantic that is in fact.. Hopeless.

And there you go. 2062 words on how shitty I feel. Fuck... My lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Catch Up Time - Haley

2011-01-07T20:57:00.003-06:00

Oh dear blog.. How ever have you been all these months I have left you alone. Boy do I have a lot to tell you. So we'll start with Chaiya, since he seems to be my main topic. On Monday is our 1 year. Its crazy. But I feel like this year will not be good to us. I feel like so many girls will get in the way of my happiness. Especially Jennifer and Veronica. I just have a bad feeling their names will reoccur often this year. And I promise myself to fix my jealousy issues this year. And I WILL. But those two girls, are just the root of my problems. On top of the never ending Kerry problem.
Veronica, I think, is someone he met in one of his classes and Jennifer is a supposed "long-time" friend. Jennifer caused problems before me and Chaiya were best friends, 2 years ago. She caused problems between him and Kerry and she caused problems between me and him this year we've been together. She needs to just get out of the equation. Me and Chaiya got into a big argument yesterday because he wanted to go see her at work at McDonald's and I couldn't believe he stayed up at 1am. talking to Veronica and Jennifer, but didn't wake up in time to text ME, his own girlfriend. He seems to tell me things just to smooth things over, since I'm sick. But I could care less if I was sick because it seems SOOO disrespectful to not text your girlfriend but talk to 2 girls at 1 in the morning. He apologized but I have a feeling it'll happen again. And on top of that, I feel like he keeps lying to me. And on top of that, he is on tumblr 24/7 and their following each other. What kind of crap is that. And on top of all that, he seems to comment everything or rewrite everything she writes on her walls. UGH. Okay, next topic, Kerry. I blocked her from Yahoo and AIM. Why, you ask? Because she's making excuses not to talk to me and I'm sick of it. I really thought she was a good friend to me, but I realize that she isn't. So I guess we're done being friends. Moving on, I passed my 1st semester of Freshmen year with A's and B's. Super proud of myself. Next, Im getting a new phone tomorrow (: which is what I have been waiting for forever ! I really feel like Im getting closer to the people I consider my friends. Those people would be: Nikkie, Shaniah, Laura, Tatyana, Anthony, Arely, Brianna, Briana, and Daniella. I realize in 7 months, I'll be 15 and it's scary to think how fast time has gone ! Well Blog, Im done for the night (: I'll show you my awesomey awesome phone hopefully tomorrow ! Byee

Just Awesome... - Lauren

2011-01-07T19:11:00.000-06:00

Well I think my dad just rid me of any way to ever do anything. He's just enlisted me and my brother Every Saturday for the foreseeable future to clean up the garage, and we have Epic Rehearsals (like a live action D&D game improvised on stage) Sundays for the foreseeable future... Weekdays I have school and homework... and somewhere in there I am still supposed to make a resume, find a job, store money, sort my stuff, plan moving out in june or july, learn to master my crappy Serger and make costumes almost entirely myself for Epic, Apply for scholarships and student aide because we're broke as hell and I don't have anything saved up...The list goes on...... I just don't know how I'm supposed to do all this... And have a life. Apparently I don't get to have one. I don't know how to do all of this, nor do I know how to go about doing ANY of this... Shit... I'm just so confused and I wish I had time to have a life amongst all of this shit. We just got into a big... not fight exactly, but rude disagreement and Dad keeps accusing me of having no ambition and not caring enough about my life to do anything, but really all this scares the shit out of me and I don't know how to do it, and he said in there without me having to say it that parents love more than anything for their kids to ask them for help, but then he goes on about how there's no time and how he's always so tired, and how his life is sooo much busier and more important than anything I do... and I wasn't going to start the fight because i know it has to happen and the house has to get clean, but he started it anyway then got all pissed when I couldn't just be all cheerful about my entire life going away and all the shit everyone expects of me in the next few months... sometimes i feel like everyone wants so much for me, but unless i'm doing something for them I don't matter. and they want me to do things, they give me an end result but don't bother telling me how to get there. Like giving someone an address in a city they've never been to and telling them to get there without a map... I don't know how to do this... I really don't. I really could use some help but don't know where to go or who to ask.

and I can't get my best friend to talk to me at all, and I don't know how to convince her she needs friends who don't want to get into her pants or vice versa... Girlfriend or no. Rae and I were talking about how much it sucks that we couldn't get sam to talk to the two remaining people who still gave a real shit about her, but now Sam is talking to her..... And Amanda... WTFFF?? and my brother... and it seems like everyone but me. I don't know how to live my life without her and i seriously feel like i'm losing her... I don't know how to be best friends with someone who won't talk to you and lives 8 hours away so you can't just show up and demand they talk to you... I don't know how to do this..... I really don't...

On a different side entirely, I still freaking like him and was up till two talking to him last night... I missed that. though i'm totally exhausted today. Dad keeps sideways mentioning to me that he's "not so secretly rooting for him to ask me out" and he has no idea that when he says that it digs into my chest and i feel like crying. He needs to learn that i'm not single because i want to be. I'm single because no one has given a shit to ask me out. Or really to even try. And that sucks. A lot. it hurts, and i feel like giving up entirely sometimes except that i'm a complete hopeless romantic and don't know how else to feel...
I don't know... I need help... but don't know where to go...

Mhhh(: -Brianna

2011-01-02T20:37:00.002-06:00

So he came over. We chilled in my room. We walked to the ditch and back. We froze our butts off. and we did absolutely nothing. In all honesty im just a tad surprised that nothing happened with all that we've talked about. Buuut its okay because he likes someone else and i respect that. Buut no it was totally fun. I dont even know what we talked about in those 3 hours but i know it was fun! But i mean i still reeeally wish he would like me... :/ blahh

Readers - Lauren

2011-01-02T14:58:00.000-06:00

So it has come to my attention that a certain person who I have talked about in these posts has found this blog, and is now increasingly mad at me for calling said person an asshole.
I would just like to state that I do not think you are a terrible person, I do not hate you, But I do think you were being an asshole, and if I have to completely lose your trust in me to get you to see that then so be it. It's bad for her and I don't want to just sit by and let things be. But, I don't want to meddle. I will give her advice when I see it necessary, I'll be there for her when you're being an asshole, But I'll try not to get too far into the middle.

P.S. Getting pissed off at me for something I said in a Blog that you had to search my facebook page to find, even though you un-friended me, is totally unfair, and it's kind of creeping me out wondering what you read. Just saying. Weird. There's shit on here that like.... Two people know, and if you are number three, that's weird. Just thought I'd put that out there. Have a Nice Day!

Oh my goodness...-Briannas

2011-01-01T14:46:00.001-06:00

I think im the luckiest freshman ever. No joke. I dont care that he doesnt wanna date me, and i dont care that were only friends, but a very attractive senior is coming over to my house today. For no reason. Just because. Because he wants to. :D Whether hes cute or not, its flattering to anyone, especially freshmen girls, that a senior would like to spend time with them. Ahh, 2011 is off to an amazing start(:

Im so....- Brianna

2010-12-29T09:38:00.002-06:00

Im so... desperate right now. -_-
I totally hate this feelings man.
And especially over this break ive realized how badly i need someone to take up my time.
I mean think about it. My best friends are: Isaac, Oscar, Haley, Lexi, Nilsa, and Cesi.
Isaac: dating a junior
Oscar: Busy writing and basically has a line of girls waiting for him.
Haley: dating CJ
Lexi: Basically dating Garza.
Nilsa: Has loooads of time with friends
Cesi: dating a junior.
everyone at my school is dating someon and its so blahhh.
I feel sooo desperate. Dude like i havent wanted a boyfriend this bad in suuch a long time -.- I hate this feeling.
makes me feel so needy and lame.
But i guess everyone feels like this at least once in their life.
What sucks though? I wouldnt date anyone in the freshman class i haate the sophomores, dont talk to many juniors, and the only senior i know, and would date, is going after a freshman... that i dont like much. I am NOT resorting to online dating. Everyone knows what thats done to my sister and i am not resorting to that. And on top of that, my friends trying to hook me up with a 21 year old!! like iwould actually date someone that much older than me. as a freshmen i wouldnt date anyone older than a senior, or younger than a freshman. And im soooo picky D: with everything! I hate it i mean i understand standards but i take that to extreme! or maybe the boys these days are just plain stupid. Like Oscar wouldnt date him because hes, in all honesty, a douche. Very cocky. hes my best friend and i love the boy, but just not my type. So now that ive ranted on and on about how badly i want a boyfriend, its time to get my sorry ass off this chair, and go out with my grandparents. Im dying my hair again, rederr (: Maybe itll help me with my little problem here.

... - Lauren

2010-12-23T21:37:00.002-06:00

I miss being Happy.

Sister and boys- Brianna

2010-12-22T13:10:00.003-06:00

Oscar: Oh lord. My best friend. The best friend anyone could ask for. Hes always there for me, i could text him at four in the morning and hed reply asap. i could tell him i was lonely and hed call me and make me smile. Hes so..perfect. Dude im slowly falling for this boy. i dont want to. Best friends going out NEVER works. Perfect example: Martin. I dont want what happened with him to happen to Oscar, ever. i want Oscar in my life forever. No joke. best friend, boyfriend, husband, and i dont care. Hes the only one that can make me laugh when im sad or mad, hes the only one that i tell everything to. If he leaves,who do i turn to? I know that i have lexi and nilsa, but theyre so far away and its hard for us to make plans. me and Oscar are like "lets chill" "when ans where" its that easy for us. Thats the main reason i count on him the most. I loove him to death. Ugh it drives me insane how perfect we are for each other! like on our date?! He was a toootal gentleman! Opened doors, let me in/out first, walked on the correct side of me *yes theres a correct side to stand on* he walked me to the door, said hello to my family, kissed me goodbye, and to this day *almost a week later* he doesnt stop telling me how pretty i looked or how it was one of his favorite memories of 2010. we have the same taste in most music, style of clothes the opposite sex should wear, life, how to act, how a guy should treat a guy, how a girl should treat a guy, difference between lady and a girl, difference between a boy and a man, and we both agree that we would be really cute together. why arent we? ask him. I dont ask guys out. We call each other baby and babe occasionally, weve gone out on a date, talking about a second one, he showers me with compliments, tells me he loves me, and that im a great person, and blah blah blah, wheres the "brianna, will you go out with me?" where?! I hate to say it, but im waiting for it. I dont want to. At all. i want to go back to being just best friends. no feelings towards him.He told me he thinks he treats me like a girlfriend. I dont disagree, but i dont think its so wrong either. We're best friends you know? And hes a guy and im a girl, of course were gonna treat each other like a couple, its how it works sometimes. most of the times. and aside from that its normal for people to think we should go out, they think theres something there when really were just best friends.
Man, I dont even know whats going on in my life. Like life is sooo complicated. It's hard to see wahts really important whats not. So I think this blog post is gonna be reaaaalllllyyy long. and im just gonna go on and on about whats going on in my head, whats going on at school, home, ect.
So im in desperate need of a sister. A real sister. Like one that cares about me. and who'll listen to me, and talk to me, and *this might sound soo lame but* play with me. you know, joke with me, hang out, be my best friend. I dont have that. I dont even really consider her a sister. shes just related to me. Thats all. No "oh yeah this is my big amazing awesome sister" No, "Yeah we're related." thats it. Last night i told her i needed to talk to her about some important things and she replied "Well hurry cause im about to go play Fable" so i told her id talk to her tomorrow. I didnt. she hasnt asked. Honestly, i know she could care less. My mom thinks shes on drugs.. am i surprised? No. I do too. I found birth control in her wallet today.. again, am i surprised? Not at all. Disappointed? a bit more than slightly. Its whatever. I dont wanna jump to cunclussions... except whenever ANYONE finds birth control, first thoughts? yeah i thought so. and i mean i know that it helps make your period more chilled, but knowing my sister, she could care less about a chilled period.
My moms been pissing me off lately. Like i was suppsoed to get the new ipod touch for Christmas if i had 50 dollars. guess who got 80? Well she told me that the money should go towards something i need instead of something i want. i see her point, but im a kid, money never goes to what i need, and Christmas isnt when you get it if it ever does. If it was my birthday money, id think it over a lot more.
Second thing: My birthday. this year, im gonna be 15. a big deal to mexicans. I dont want a HUUUGE party, but i dont want a typical dinner with the family. Im looking at more of a dinner at Cannoli Joes then an after party at my house. Nothing huge, but its something. Friends and family could all be there, not to expensive, and still loads of fun. Anyways, so my mom hasnt started saving and its like i know we have 10 months, but these things take loads of money, which we seem to have none of. this time last year we had my sisters, we started planning hers before my birthday. My moms not to worried about mine. Not sure if its because she knows i dont want anything to big, or because she knows we cant afford anything to big, or because she could cae less. Doubt its the third one but you never know.
Marcos. Hot senior. Not gonna lie, he is pretty hot. But I dont like him any more. Like i guess it was just a tiny crush. After he told me about the girl he likes, i got over it. I'm glad i did too cause i felt a bit to attached anyways. Althogh ive only known him for like 3 months, ive gone through a lot with him. Surprisingly i have. Ive gone through more with him than with any other boy. Not emotionally but still. I think i changed for him. I mean not all just for him but for the most part. Im a bit disappointed in myself but its to late to take it back, just gotta learn from that mistake. I had fun while it lasted though, i dont really regret much. infact i think its safe to say i dont regret anything ive done with him, or said to him. It was flattering i suppose. I just hope I think the same when he gets around me at school. its easier said than done though.. Oh well whatever.

Disappointed - Lauren

2010-12-21T14:04:00.001-06:00

Call me a fool, but I had hoped when I told Montanna to just go without me on the 'adventure' we had been planning today because my dad wanted me home by six (and we wouldn't have enough time if I had to be back), I thought maybe they would show up anyway and make me stop wallowing. Or at least Montanna would text me back after i said that. Guess I was wrong. Funny that. Maybe people really don't care anymore.

Confused. :/ - Lauren

2010-12-21T13:00:00.000-06:00

So... He came back last night. And I'm pretty sure I still like him.
Do you know that feeling when you look up to try to look at someone sneakily and you aren't sure if you caught them looking at you or they caught you looking at them? Well it happened a lot. I don't know if he saw me looking and looked, or if I saw him... >///<

I wish I could just be happy about it.
I'm too busy being restricted by my dad to even be happy I like him (or upset I like him, either way I suppose. ><)
I just feel like crap all the time.
I need to get out of here...
Only six more months. Then I can move in with Montanna and deal with her shit.
But I don't have anywhere else to go.

I'm not feeling the christmas spirit so much this year... Which is really sad because I love the holidays. I miss it.
No one seems to care anymore.
I'm tired of fighting everything.

Dude- Brianna

2010-12-20T12:30:00.003-06:00

I feel sooo troppy.
Like my head hurts,
everythings annoying me
im a bit out of it,
and i dont even know why.
i think its because im getting sick.
im REALLY hoping its becuase im gettign sick
and not because of last night
nothing bad happened,
bnothing bad at all.
it was really fun actually.
And so i just got an ear ache.
Its deffinetly because im sick
or the naproxen i took.
Perscribed i swear,
lus its just like advil only stronfer.
if anything.
Anywys im going out with oscar tonight so should be fun.
wish me lucj

Melancholy... Part Two - Lauren

2010-12-19T19:58:00.001-06:00

Here's part two of my weird mood. I have brother issues. I do. For several different reasons.

ONE. He's kindof a man whore. He flirts and is hit on by every girl (and some guys) in the room, he loves the attention and is always all over them, he has only been broken up with his girlfriend a week and he already has girls lined up doe eyed and pretty begging for his attention. And I loved this girlfriend. She was actually good for him, she made him stop cutting, and his reason for dumping her? She was saying I love you and he wasn't sure he was ready to say it yet, but was anyway, so he couldn't lie anymore, and dumped her. It's Freaking ridiculous. his current main interest (from what we can tell) is a ridiculous girl from scare I can't stand - she's an attention whore and a drama head, and will start shit left and right and I want nothing to do with her.

TWO. He's going down all the wrong paths in his life and people are encouraging him. He's Bi because it's popular and the 'emo' thing to do. He's embracing the sulky dark asshole side of himself that we hate, (He actually refused to do a little favor for dad yesterday because - and I quote - "I'm just an asshole.") and doing things he really shouldn't. I love my brother, but I can't stand him. He won't put his phone down, and when we were putting up the Christmas tree i felt bad that he was all grumpy and wouldn't put his phone down long enough to help me, I told him as such, and he didn't give a shit. I love the holidays, people are happier and nicer, except everyone seems to be going through so much shit this year... I feel like I'm losing my Christmas spirit. Instead of looking at the tree and feeling happy or excited, I look at it and want to cry. I try my damnedest to be there and help people, and keep them happy, and it all seems to amount to nothing. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit about anyone else. It makes me feel like giving up. I don't ask for anything hard, I don't ask to be recognized for all the SHIT I do for my friends and the people I care about, no matter how nice that would be, I don't ask for everyone to love me or to all get along, I just want people to try. Try to be Happy. Try to get along. Try to be decent to each other and (more importantly in a lot of ways) themselves. No one wants to try, and I'm getting seriously tired of pushing.

THREE. I kind of have issues spending time with him, for different reasons than you might think. I go to hang out with my friends, and they always ask where he is, why didn't I bring him, etc. etc. I love that my friends love my brother, but I feel like when he's around... no one even looks twice at me. he's so much more... aggressive in a way with people than i am. he makes people listen to him. I'm quieter. I like people to choose to care about what I say. But the problem is... They don't. I try to participate in a discussion in a group of people and I am always talked over and ignored. No one thinks twice that I might have things to say or that I might want to be heard. but I do. I really do. I feel like my friends would all pick my brother over me in a heartbeat and wouldn't think twice that I might be hurt by it. Plus certain friends are encouraging him down paths I really would like them to NOT encourage him down. giving him a cigarette and then apologizing to me when I couldn't be there anymore and had to wait in the car because "I know where he is in his life and I sympathize" really doesn't cut it. The only way to sympathize with him is to drug him? I don't understand how that is supposed to help him. No one cares how I feel about anything. I hid in the car from the cigarette smoke and the fact that my brother was one of the three producing it, and so they follow me to the car and smoke right next to me. Don't you think there was a reason I was in the car? I wanted away from this shit. I just... I feel like the world around me is going to shit and I don't want to live like this anymore. But I don't have a choice.
I don't know what to do anymore... I need help, but don't know where to look.

Melancholy... Part One - Lauren

2010-12-19T19:34:00.000-06:00

I've been in a rather dark mood for the last week or so. I can't seem to get all the way awake or all the way happy. Since last Sunday night when everything blew up with one of my closest friends. Watching a very long term relationship entirely self destruct is really hard when you get to sit in the parking lot waiting for it to happen and completely helpless. I hate being helpless. A lot. I just... I won't go into details for her sake, but it was really bad at the time, she got kicked out of her apartment, and was supposed to move all her shit out and get out, except she's still there now and it's been a week. She keeps up appearances like she hates being there and wants to get out, but I know she doesn't. She hates how he is to her, but I'm pretty sure she thinks she deserves it. She said in the car last night "I think I have no choice, I think I have to hate myself." And that really hurt, I feel like she's slowly imploding and I can't do anything to help her, because she won't let me. I can give her all the fucking advice in the world and she still goes home every night and sleeps in the same bed as this asshole who kicks her out every couple months. I'm really seriously worried about her, she talks constantly about how she is too stressed, and when last night I said she needed to be less stressed she told me the least stressed option was death. I responded with "Not for everyone else." and she told me that it would probably only be like a month before everyone forgot about her. I know for a fact that she is wrong. If I care enough about her to more than likely live with her when I graduate (assuming she doesn't do something really stupid or move to Ireland and refuse to come home) I sure as hell would mind if she killed herself. I don't... I don't know how to deal with her. she makes me feel so helpless and useless, she won't let me help, and I don't know what to do with that. I just... I miss us being happy. hell, I miss just me being happy. I'm tired of worrying, I'm tired of frowning/ I'm tired of not sleeping. I'm tired of freaking out when I miss a text because It could be the message where she's freaking out. I'm just... Tired. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

Soo- Brianna

2010-12-17T18:02:00.002-06:00

So things are good and bad right now.
Not complaining,
just getting things off my chest.
So I dont know if i ever really liked Marcos,
just flattered a senior knew i existed,
if that makes sense.
Or maybe i did,
but it was definitely just a little crush.
Today he told me hes gonna ask this girl out.
Kinda bummed but not so much as i thought i would be.
So its a good ish thing.
Bad? I think im starting to fall for Oscar.
OSCAR!
Hes my best guy friend i cant start liking him.
We kissed.
it was just a kiss,
nothing more.
it ment nothing,
so why am i still hung up over it?
why was i expecting more from him last night when we saw each other?
Why?
The even better news? I get two and a half weeks away from everything.
No oscar, no marcos, and no isaac, and no drama, and nothing.
nothing but my real friends and family.
the best news of all? Sunday night, me and nilsa <3 together for the first time since October!
Tuesday? Lexi might come over,
Wednesday? Going to a resort with shelby for the day.
Friday? Christmas Eve.
Saturday? Christmas day <3
ive got loads to look forward to and these little bits that are bumming me out
wont last much longer.
I hope

Oh, My, Goodness. - Brianna

2010-12-08T08:45:00.000-06:00

Life is great right now.
I mean theres tons i can complain about,
but id rather not.
Like, with all thats good thats hitting me right now,
its all worht putting up with a little bit of shit every now and then.
So Tomorrow is my last day as a burnette
On friday after my doctors appointment, im dying it,
then heading back to school to flash it(:
Just kidding,
but yeah im reaally excited, and scared at the same time
Like im excited for the new hair color,
but im scared its not gonna come out the way i want it too.
But i suppose itll all be worth it.
And besides:
LEARNING EXPERIANCE.
So On friday, im going to a middle school dance
it sounds a tad lame but i mean
i absolutely miss all of my New Eighth Graders,
and im reallly excited to see them.
PLUUUUUSSSS
I might FINALLY
get to see nilsa,
she might go with me, and then spend the night at my house.
i havent seen her since we crashed the last middle school dance(:
Oh me and my friends and our crashing of middle school dances(:
its pretty amazing.
Senior.
OHMYGOD
I think i die a little every time i see him starring at me,
or when he texts me at exactly 8 on mondays and thursdays because he knows i have practice til then,
or how in PE....
Oh god PE..
I just started smiling to myself(:
Yesterday was just great.
i loved it
Like i dont even wanna repeat what happened because if i do,
its gonna leave my memory.
This boy...
Like okay,
every morning i catch him looking at me,
and one day i asked him if he saw me do something and i saw him looking at me,
and he goes "no"
:D
Hes denying starring at me,
he pulls me in to give me hugs,
he puts his hands on my waist,
he gets this (-) close to holding my hand,
and im pretty sure if we were alone,
at least SOMETHING would happen
It excites me(:

Conflicted... - Lauren

2010-12-04T10:50:00.000-06:00

So, the guy whom I liked is moving back. I'm really excited from a friend point of view, I missed him, but from another point of view I am entirely conflicted... I am not sure as of yet if I still like him, but I know I like him more than a good portion of my male friends. For a while a big thing in my mind against dating him was the whole religious thing, but we actually had a religious talk the other day, and his views aren't as weird as I thought they would be, and he was more okay with me being an atheist than I thought he would be. But... there still lies the one remaining hurdle that puts me off a little. Anytime I talk about my best friend he kind of clams up. My Lesbian best friend. And I talk about her an awful lot. I really don't know how to feel... but with the talks we've been having I hope that I can eventually get to the root and find out why, because maybe then it can be changed to where he can at least be vaguely comfortable with it. That, and he doesn't date anymore than I do, and I've been told why Montanna thinks that is, but I want to find out from him. I hope I can, because I do like him, and even if not for me, I'd like to be able to help him for the future...
But I suppose I want to help me too..? I just haven't figured out the best way to do that yet...

Catch up(:- Brianna

2010-12-02T22:17:00.002-06:00

Dying my hair:
Its a go(:
my mom finally said it was up to my grandpa,
and my doctor.
I talked to my grandpa
since i brought it up to him,
he said hed let me do it.
My doctor: well hes gonna say everythings fine,
and ill be able to do it.
So im dying my hair :D
Light Intense Auburn R3
Google it(:
Im pretty excited :D
Marcos:
All i have to say is read this conversation:
Marcos:Do me.
Me:Thats not the correct way to ask a question sir :P
Marcos:fine.... fuck me? :P
Me:nope try agian
Marcos:let me put my d*** in your p****? i have more ways to phrase it
Me:well were gona have to go down that list til you get it right
Marcos: can i insert my penis into your vagina thus having sexual intercourse?
Me:try again
Marcos:damn....wanna have sex?
Me:once more
Marcos:what the correct way?!?
Me:i dont know just wanted you to beg me for it :P
Marcos:fuck me then :P
Me:no
Marcos:bout to make a rape case...O.o
Seniors. what do you do with them :P
Ahaha i love how we can joke about sexual things and not let it get werid
like yesterday in i go
"if its in your face you always have to eat it!"
And he goe s"ill remember that tonight"
its pretty amazing.
Two of our favorite words right now are Penis and Vagina,
its pretty great.
You always have to close a door to have another open right?
Well i think thats what i did with martin
got him out of my life,
and got an even better guy friend than he could ever be.
Its not like i dont talk to him any more,
but i know that Malanies his main priority right now,
its his mistake let him make it,
hes paying the consequences right now so its all good.
So speaking of Marcos,
with him i always have to see if hes making a perv joke or not,
right now he said
"you want it to much jeez"
and i go
"the movie or something else?"
with him you never know :P

Im Dying- Brianna

2010-11-27T22:09:00.002-06:00

I'm seriously DYING
to dye my hair!!
But not a "normal" color
Brown: my natural color,
so bland and BORING!
Blonde: I cant see myself as a blonde
Black: I dont want a dark color
Red: <3
thats what i'm aiming for.
I wanna dye it tomorrow.
as in the day before we go back to school.
I wanna dye it.
for two reasons:
1 since i cant do colorguard to stand out any more *which i love to do*
Why not a different hair color?
2 i havent done anything spontaneous in sooo long.
since Homecomming i suppose.
and i mean im not resorting to that EVER AGAIN.
Besides ive changed sooo much in the past few months and i think that Monday
is gonna be llike starting new,
ive had time to think things through,
ive had time to let things go,
forgive and forget right?
So why not finish what i started and just do it?
I reeeally hope my mom lets me do it soon

Im Scarred- Brianna

2010-11-26T20:50:00.004-06:00

So,
Im scarred.
Obviously.
The question is of what?
I honestly dont know.
like theres lots of things on my mind,
and bothering me,
but i dont know which one is making me sadder/ more scarred.
So this guy.
I kinda like him a lot.
I cant see myself going to school without seeing him in the halls,
getting excited when i see his Letterman jacket,
or having him flirt his ass off with me,
even though it means nothing to him.
I've gotten wayy to attachted to him this past month,
and its like i get that we still 6 months of school,
but six months is really short and goes by quickly
and i mean i dont even know if i like him like that
i think i just see him as a really good friend,
maybe even a brother,
but like I guess im just scarred after he leaves
i'm not gonna talk to him anymore.
Maybe im just being stupid but ugh.
I dont know.
So tomorrow,
i was supposed to hang out with oscar.
Plans canceled.
No big deal.
i mean i am kinda bummed,
but nothing to bad.
So i'm hoping i can spend the day with Lexi.
Or at least a few hours.
and if Nilsa doesnt have plans then i deffinetly wanna see her again!
ughh.. i found a song that kind of shows how i feel.
Just kidding.
I didnt find it.
Marcos sent it to me.
Its called Dont Want An Ending by Sam Tsui
"The days turn to hours
And it's just a movement before they go
I'm scared to say goodbye,
'cause what's after that?
I don't know."
Gahh,
I cannot that fer the first time in at least a month,
im crying over a guy.
Thankfully its not the same guy,
and for the same reason,
or anything close to it.
I suppose all i can do is just make the best of these next 6 months,
and enjoy having him around while i cann.

Why cant you just be happy?- Brianna

2010-11-22T21:16:00.002-06:00

Seriously.
Youre never happy with anyone
like it just bothers me
that someone who literally has such a good life,
great friends who love you,
and a.. well not a good girlfriend..
but a fun toy to play with,
cant be happy.
It bothers me.
You think you have it so tough.
and that its sooo friggin hard.
No bitch get a wake up call,
then talk to me about tough okay?
Theres more than one reason why i dont talk to you anymore,
and this is one of them
Try having to fail yer classes cause you are forrbiden from doing the work,
try watching your family crumble little by little everyday
try seeing your friends drift farther apart every day
try watching everyone do what you love to do,
but you have to sit and watch.
Thats not even tough,
but i know damn well its a million times harder than your life,
so next time you wanna fucking complain,
stop and think to yourself,
the grass is always greener.

Tipical Fishy- Brianna

2010-11-21T10:29:00.003-06:00

Falling for that senior boy,
troubles at home,
hiding behind a smile,
hearing all the screaming,
and wishing i could just block it all out.
Lets start from the beginning.
This senior.
Oh my goodness.
Hes pretty great.
question.
what makes him so great?
The fact that hes respectful,funny, serious, has plans for after high school,
and hes a flirt; But he can admit it.
and somehow without saying a word, he can make me crack up.
Troubles at home?
Sister and mom always fighting.
its like they never take a break.
And i cant help but to notice that the reason for their yelling?
Stephen.
It drives me crazy.
Why doesnt she just dump him?!
Sometimes i wish my sister wouldnt live with us
so that i wouldnt have to see him here.
Hiding behind a smile?
Big Time.
I hate all of these symptoms,
and i hate being told i cant do something
and i hate not being able to do winter guard
i hate it.
But i act like it doesnt bother me because if everyone sees that it gets to me..
I dont know.
but i really do not like people to know somethings bothering me.
my lifes just going down hill right now,
but i know itll go up soon.
Just like a roller coaster.
and for now i just gotta deal with all this crap so that when everythings good again,
i can appreciate it.

Hit below the belt, metaphorically of course. - Lauren

2010-11-16T22:43:00.001-06:00

So, there are certain movies you watch to wallow in feelings, and certain ones you watch to escape them, dive headlong into a whole new world and never look back. The final Lord of the Rings movie shouldn't hit that first category, but it did. What was it about this movie that hit me you ask? Was it the scary ass spider? Nope. When frodo 'died'? When Gollum died? When they beat the armies of Mordor and destroyed the ring? When Bilbo or even gandalf board the ship for the undying lands of the elves? Nope, nothin. It wasn't even when you found out Frodo was going with them across the sea, on the last voyage of the elves. Nope. It was the goodbye hugs between Frodo and his three hobbit companions of the fellowship. Not because of how sad the movie was, but because I felt that pain. The thoughts that run through your head as you hold onto that person like if you let go your whole world will fall apart. When my best friend left I never saw her cry. I hawked my eyes out, and she just looked back over her shoulder and smiled at me, then vanished. I stared after her, and she was gone. I am Samwise Gamgee watching Frodo board the last ship, the last desperate hug, and the turning glance with a wholehearted and sad eyed smile. That's what got me. The goodbye.
I was never good at goodbyes.
I always insisted on telling Sam "It's not goodbye. It's see you later." with the gasp of a breath that comes between the tears.
It's never Goodbye.

Right?

I wish you cared... - Lauren

2010-11-12T17:20:00.000-06:00

I have come to the conclusion that I have to stop trying to be close friends with certain people. Like... I love them and all, but they make no effort, they don't ever want to hang out, they don't even give a shit about things like waiting for me when we walk to class every day, I get tired of chasing people down when they clearly don't care. the sad part? That happened today. I walk with a certain friend from class to the busses, and by the time I got out of my classroom she was already halfway down the hall from her class with someone else. No matter that that means that I get to walk myself. Who cares, right? It's been happening for a while, I'd been forcing myself in and she just has like two other people to talk to, so I end up walking with them but not really included, so today I didn't chase her down or wait outside her classroom for her, I just walked normally, and guess who didn't even notice I was right behind them, or even when I moved in front of them?
I hate it, but I think I just have to give up...
I hate giving up.
A lot

P.S. I'm writing a post about last weekend and my amazing surprise, but it's long. >< You don't have to read it, but... i feel like it should be documented. It'll be up eventually. XD

Mommy Knows Best- Brianna

2010-11-10T16:58:00.003-06:00

Me and my mom have a special bond
one that most teenage girls and their mothers dont usually have.
i like it.
i feel like i can honestly say my mom is one of my best friends
she knows everything.
and i mean EVERYTHING
so i mean im always going to her for advice.
shes older than me, she knows what to do
weather it be from experiance,
or just knowing.
So i mean i do what im told.
usually.
The other day me and my mom got to talking
and she told me
she thinks its best
that i stop
Talking to Martin.
Honestly?
i dont disagree.
I didnt notice this, but
he was brain washing me.
calling me best friend
when really he would only talk to me for girl problems.
his own ex girlfriend,
honestly, How pathetic is that?
When in an instant he'd leave me to talk to Malenie,
or if he was talking to her,
he wouldnt even make eye contact with me.
And, honestly i feel that whenever Malenie or lexi
would reject him,
hed come crying to me expecting me to make him feel better.
My dumb ass fell for it,
And so now i know thats its all stupid games
and guess what?
off my phone, facebook, and outta my life(:

(: - Brianna

2010-11-07T20:07:00.002-06:00

i feel..
Happy.
Like i havent been able to say that for a while
i had all of martin and malenies shit going on,
and jesus, and jesus s, and Eduardo,
and schools stress,
and missing my friends,
but Now,
Today, i finally realized,
that i really am happy.
Weather it be because projects are over,
and ive been talking to my friend more,
Or because im over all these bitches,
and getting closer to better people.
Who knows.
but today i finally realized.
I am happy(:
and im happy knowing that im happy :P
like, two people that i talked to today,
Jesus and Marcos,
just put smiles on my face.
Jesus because..
well its Jesus, if he doesnt make you smile you better asking whats wrong
and Marcos,
because he was in a good mood.
But he just called me a homewrecker so screw him :P
ahaha just kidding.
But like i think the third trimester of school is gonna be really good. like the first one was bad, were in the middle of the second one and so far its been so-so,
and so that means that at the end of the year its gonna be
amazinggg.
but i dont wanna think about the end of the year.
not yet at least.
like the fact that marching season is over,
makes me reaaly sad,
so when school is over,
its gonna suck balls.
but for now,
i stand happy with where i am
and we'll leave it at that and see where life takes me from there(:

Letterman-Brianna

2010-11-06T09:55:00.002-05:00

So is it just me,
or is it kind of like an unspoken rule,
that you only give yer Letterman jacket to yer girlfriend?
(:
Well if that's the case then holy fucking shit(:
Mkay, so theres this hot senior right?
Oh my goodness im in love with this dude.
Hes turning 18 in three months,
which for some reason made me more attractive to him.
Anyways, so we have band together,
and he has a free period for 5th period, so he comes to my PE class,
not just for me, but its fate ya know? (;
Anyways, so after knowing each other for only ONE month,
last night at the game,
He let me borrow his Letterman jacket :D
i was uberly excited when he offered it to me.
So i dont wanna sound like cocky,
buuutt,
i looked uberly adorable ! :D
So yesterday we were talking in PE
and he brought up the first time we ever talked
i didnt even remember it,
but he did :D
Oh how i hate how hes a senior!!

Best friends- Brianna

2010-11-01T18:10:00.002-05:00

So i know i always talk about how Martins my best friend.
But i feel like thats not true.
I feel like i just tell myself that so that a part of me always has him
but now that i am *wait for it*
Totally one hundred percent over him,
Yes indeed i am :D,
I know that thats some really big ass bullshit
to be honest,
the only times we talk is when hes having girl problems.
Dead serious.
thats all we fucking talk about
i dont think we've had a conversation about anything else since we broke up.
and by that i mean like the day after we broke up.
So jsut like befriending Malenie,
Having him as my "best friend" was a huuuge mistake
So as i always knew,
my best friends remain as lexi nilsa briana and haley.
Also Paulina and Marcos ad i are getting pretty close :D

Hate that i love you so-Brianne

2010-10-30T22:00:00.002-05:00

so i dont like that im still hung over this guy.
i hate it infact.
i hate that ive now known him for a year,
and ive had feelings for him starting at day one.
only to get my heart broken repeatedly.
its like
i always fall the hardest for the ones that hurt me.
Jesus, Martin, Jason.
but out of these, the one that will always no matter what have a piece of my heart,
is Jesus.
If you ask any of my friends,
they know damn well who he is,
and what hes done to me.
And if i told them i was going back out with him.
theyd probably punch me in the face.
dead serious.
ugh..
i wish i never met him.
i seem to be wishing for the same thing with martin lately too...
only because he doesnt listen.
ever.
he asks for advice,
and i give it to him,
then he does it his way,
and ends up learning the hard way that he shouldve done it my way.
like im getting tired of him only texting me when hes hurt.
or when he doesnt know what to do.
i feel like yelling at him,
and just telling it to him striaght.
or maybe ill just stop giving him advice.
either way,
hes not gonna like it..

Jesus- Brianna

2010-10-30T17:50:00.002-05:00

So..
On Friday
I ended up going to the game right?
Only to find out its middle school night.
Meaning: I was gonna see Oscar, Bobby, Isayana, Yahaira, and so on.
Also Meaning: i was gonna see Jesus.
I love this kid right?
And well..
i thought i was done with him.
i thought that he was nothing more than just my friend.
Well at the game,
we kissed.
Twice.
i wasnt really disappointed in myself for kissing him
as far as i knew he was single.
So anyways before i got on the bus to leave,
i ask him for one last kiss before i dont see him for a while right?
well he gives it to me then says
"youre gonna hate me so much right now"
and i ask why
his response?
"i have a girlfriend"
... :/
last night i finally realized that breaking up with him might have been a really bad mistake...
last night i also realized that i love him more than i ever will love anyone else :/

Life as we know it - Lauren

2010-10-25T17:27:00.000-05:00

It's been a while. Life is decent, but there are some things I wished I could change...
I don't sleep much, not with Scare. So I'm always dead tired and really slow. I wish there was a way to do scare and still sleep. ><

Our house stinks - our water heater is broken and has been since this summer, and we aren't the best at keeping on top of things, so the dishes stink. I hate living in a house full of guys... It sucks. they are all slobs, and yet bryan (my uncle) always yells at us for not cleaning up. My dad isn't so bad, he hates things being dirty, he just doesn't have the time or particularly care enough to do things himself. He always has me or my brother do it when he's not doing anything in particular anyways. It's ridiculous. And my brother's just a sloppy whiny emo kid who needs to do his laundry more than once a month and shower more than only when his hair starts to get all sticky.

The house work doesn't get kept up because I don't have time to do everything myself, so nothing gets done. I hate it, it stinks, but... What can I do? I'm already not sleeping much... I don't have any choices but to just suffer... I can't wait to move out. I really can't. Yeah, it comes with all sorts of adult changes and living in the real world, and all that shit, but... As much as I love my family, I can't wait to not have to be around so many moody guys all day every day. >< Man, and they think we're bad. O.o

Montanna and Mike broke up last week, she came home to her stuff all packed and his status on facebook was single, and she (for the first time ever) after some debate (he's full of it - he's all "Well it's your choice if we're still together or not") she just said fuck it and left, and then an hour later he calls her and begs her to come home, he was wrong... all that shit. She's now staying back at their apartment, but didn't exactly hurry to put her facebook status back from single, she's not paying as much attention as before, she's hanging out with other people more, and he's not taking it so well. But honestly, he wasn't giving her room to be a teenager, and she wasn't ready to be an adult. She's 20, and he's twice her age. I'm sad that they are sad, but really i think it's better for both of them that they don't mend bridges and get together again, they just don't... mesh really. It just doesn't work.

I feel like I'm losing some of the all around niceness i was so known for... Once someone's broken my trust I really couldn't care less for them... And I feel bad for it, but it's true.
This morning in the hallway after the bell rang, we were slowly making our way to the doors with the crowd, and I passed AM&AN sitting together in the hallway, and when I glanced that direction AM's face was all pinkish and she had this look on her face, the one I knew from when we were really close as the one she makes just before she starts crying... and I didn't feel anything. I felt like I should feel bad, feel something, but.... I just turned away and kept walking. I feel really bad for it, but... She broke the friendship through all her lies and unwillingness to improve her own life, move forward, and fix the things she wanted to desperately to complain about. I have more sympathy for strangers than I did for someone who used to be one of my closest friends at that moment. I feel bad that I don't feel worse, but... I just can't make myself feel like she doesn't deserve anything she gets for the lifestyle she's chosen... She lied and lost all of her true friends who really cared, and now has a whole host of people who doesn't really care and are all out for their own self interest... I wish I could say I didn't think she deserves being kicked out of her house, I wish I could say I miss her, I wish I could say I wish we were still friends, but I can't... I don't believe any of it... I just can't make myself care anymore.

Kids-Brianna

2010-10-24T21:35:00.002-05:00

So ive been in a shitty mood all day
Head aches are horrible, and i miss Francisco.
But today, i had to take care of 3 kids.
One ten year old girl named Stephanie,
a three year old boy named Allen,
and a One year old named Isabella.
They were the highlight of my year.
im not even kidding.
Stephanie was so adorable
she was quiet at first, but she knew how to start up a convo,
Allen was crazy! all he did was just jump around scream and and say Mario
and Isa, Oh my goodness im in love with her!!!
She didnt want to go to her grandma, she wanted to stay with me!!
these kids drove me around insane and i loved every second of it!
Stephanie took care of Allen while i took care of Isa,
Isa was quiet and didnt cry
and allen is quite the kid,
theyre all great.
i cannot wait til i have kids of my own
Kids simply bring me joy.
im telling you, its the little things in life that
take my mind off of things.
Tomorrows my Nuero app.
wish me luck!

Bad week- Brianna

2010-10-24T10:16:00.002-05:00

This weeks isnt gonna be that great. i can tell.
Already.
Friday night a friend of mine died.
Car crash.
It sucks.
Tomorrow im going to a nuerologist.
Scarry shit.
My head ahes are reaaally bad.
And thats already after 6 tylonals,
and some other pill thats reaallly strong :/
and its not a heach ache.
its GThe spots where i got hit that hurt..
it suuucks.
Martin and ******
are together.
im not jealous.
Just upset.
because i know he can do so much better.
and i know that since theyre going out..
i still have to play nice after our project.
Other wise ill also lose my best friend.
thats really something i dont want to risk.
I just wish he realized that
no matter how hard we try,
me and her arent gonna be friends.
In bio. its all Fake smiles, Fake laughs, Rolling of the eyes behind the computer screen,
cursing at each other in our heads.
thats just how it works.
and i feel bad casue when martin comes around
its weird. and all three of us can feel the tenssion.
or maybe its just me.
Considering of what went down.
Its kinda weird thinking that
if it werent for her,
me and Martin could still have been together.
I dont wish for it not to have happened,
but its weird thinking about it you know?
ut i understand things happen for a reason
and whatever that reason was, God knows, and soon in time, i will too.
So about my friend dying.
That made me realize..
i could lose anyone of my friends next.
There fore,
i decided to write a really long letter to my best friend,
which i will give to him on Monday,
right before i leave the class room,
before i leave the school,
before i leave to see my nurologist.
And i dont care if he trhows it away,
or uses it as scratch paper,
as long as he knows.
i suppose.
Well im going to Hutto to clear my mind and chill with family.

So... Busy. -Nilsa

2010-10-24T08:44:00.002-05:00

So much homework, so much on my mind. I haven't been keeping you guys updated on anything going on with my new friends, new teachers, ect. But here's a quick update on one of many situations: K*** is a terrible, horrible, very bad person. He's fooling around with Hannah's heart, and the sad thing is I helped him win it. I gave him a chance... why?! Now he turns around and asks me for what he's not getting from her. Um, hell no.
I talk to R****** about it sometimes. Turns out, there are numerous girls who like K*** as more than a friend. He just doesn't feel like choosing only one.
Now he's upset with me. Mad that I'm going to tell Hannah what he asked me for. But who wouldn't?
The only thing I'm really sad about is my ridiculous crush on someone who's friends with K***. But oh-well. Things'll work out. (?)

Tonight part 2 :D - Brianna

2010-10-22T22:03:00.002-05:00

So i just got home from the dance...
and it was amazing!!!
ugh it reminded me of prom soo muchh !
Sneaking in, Hiding away, almost getting in trouble,
and the hardest part of all,
leaving!
ugh i was heart broken when i was saying bye to them!!
Heres how the night started: me and oscar were hanging out, then nilsa got there,
we caught up on school nd life nd stuff in Mr.Wards room.
then we went into an empty hallway nd kept talking.
then lexi got there.
Seeing her fer the first time in two months was crazy!!
i didnt realize how much i missed her!
so then we danced,
we got asked if we went to the school,
we got hit on,
and of course, we turned em down(: haha
after a while of dancing we snuck away from the dance to again, Mr.wards room
when we got there the haunted hosue started so we decided to turn off the lights nd just chill there,
We ended up needing oscar, and since he was in the haunted house he
had to hide with us or he wouldve gotten in trouble for leaving
so basically theres four teenagers, in a 7th grade science room, with the lights turned off.
Every few minutes we were like "shhhhh !!! someones coming!"
it was amazing(:
so about 20 minutes before i left we decided to go back down to the dance so that itd be easier to leave when my mom got there.
Well we ended up leaving at the same time as one of the HH tours :D
So all the teachers were like "was it scarry did you like it?"
it was great!!
While we were stuck up there,
i decided to text one of my friends David.
So i kinda have a big crush on him right?
well.. anyways so we were texting,
about what languages we speak,
then out of no where he randomly texts me...
Leme show you the whole convo!
Me:Italians my third :D
David:I love you
Me:me?
David:yes!
Me:why me?
David:cause ur amazing:D
Im sorry, but i think thats uberly sweet(:
If only he had the balls to ask me out(:
anyways, we did make plans to see eachother soon
wanna know his reply?
"Sweet. Finally get to see u"
:D
XP im not one to usually freak out over a guy this much,
but i have for him, ever since we first met, its so weird!
like im not used to it, but
i mean hey, were just friends :P
well i am off to bedd
just kidding.
idkk, im just off to go
enjoy the rest of my friday night.(:

Tonight- Brianna

2010-10-22T16:18:00.003-05:00

Tonights the night ive been waiting for, for a long time.
im FINALLY gonna see two of my closest friends together,
for the first time in two months!
ugh im so happy.
I think today was just a good day over all.
in some ways.
Like finally, me and jesus broke up.
he broke up with me, cause i couldnt break up with him.
it was weird. like i reallly wanted to,
i even changed my relationship status YESTERDAY!
but everytime id go up to him, hed start walking away,
or id chicken out !
it was weird, but anyways
point is were finally over :D
and in PE today, me nd marcos messed around a lot,
like fer the first time in a while, i didnt focus on homework or people
or problems.
i played(:
we were laughing and throwing balls, and licking each other,
and giving massages, it was great(:
if only he werent a senior D:
oh well, things happen fer a reason right?(:
i can still admire from a distance xP
bahaha
but anyways,
Things at school are gonna be a bit hard for a while,
but soon enough itll get easier
The reason shall not be said on here fer reasons..that dont need to be said(:
My girls will know about it by the end of the nightt :D
Hope everyone has a good weekend!!! (:

Lunch once a month- Brianna

2010-10-21T15:11:00.002-05:00

Okay so some new shit that i just found out about.
My dad wants to stop paying CS because he doesnt have a job
because he got fired,
cause he went to jail,
cause he beat up his girlfriend right?
right.
So, my mom called their case worker who talked to my dad,
who said he only wants to pay 20 dollars a month.
what do three kids and a parent do with 20 dollars a month?!
Do you realize that once a month hed be buying us lunch?
thats it!
thats all you can do with 20 dollars a month.
anyways, then we found out that he receives $800/month.
and yet he only wants to give us 20?!
like i get it that hes not gonna give us 300 hundred because its not posible for someone to live off of 500 a month, but still.
today i also found out he should be paying $739 a month...
yet when he USED to pay child support he only gave us 300 at the most.
Imagine his bill? first from all those 7 years he never paid, then those 400 from every month he did pay!
idkk... again i state theres a lotta shit going down with this family and im so so soo ready to just let it all go.

i dont know- brianna

2010-10-21T14:23:00.002-05:00

i dont know what happened today.
i dont understand why it happened.
i wish it never did happen,
and i wish i wasnt sick.
today i think i had a melt down.
first of all, theres so much going on
at school with the projects and grades.
and collage and community hours.
then theres friends, best friends, people i hate, people who hate me,
then theres family stress, my sister alwasy being so rude to me infront of everyone,
expecting more than she gives,
and my mom and my dad,
and my mom wanting to move.
and then on top of all that
i have band practice.
games, morning practices, saturday practices, and extra long practices,theennn the first week of Nov. i have the play that ill have to work on. its insane how much im doing this year, and its only October!
but thats not my point. today i wasnt in a good mood,
i had thee biggest head ache ive had in a monthh.
it was so bad i almost started crying twice in the morning.
in the courtyard and in first period,
eventually my train of thoughts starting going and going and i coulnt help it i just broke down.
i hated it soo much.
then during lunch i took one look at my food,
went to the restroom, and threw up.
so i went home.
on top of all of that, i had a presentation today, and so i offered Malenie to do it during lunch, while she was telling me what the teacher told her, she was giving me an ugly look and attitude. when i said thanks, she rolled her eyes.
a little while later dylan caled me over to her,
and she was standing close to malenie,
at this time i was crying,
and i heard malenie *i think** say "shes just asking for attention"
im not fer sure it was her, but i wouldnt doubt it if it was.
If it werent fer martin being my best friend,
and me and her being in a group together,
id seriously put her in her place.
im so tired of her bs.
i do nothing to her,
yet she does all of this shit to me?
like its reaally getting old.
but its stupid, im not risking a grade jsut to shut her mouth up.
Basically, im just so tired and i need a break asap.
Nilsa, lets go drive away to Galvaston, you in?

School- Brianna

2010-10-20T20:23:00.002-05:00

So although i tend to complain about missing my friends,
and how its not the same,
and how i wish it could go back to like it was 8th grade year,
i actually REALLY like my freshman year.
I was thinking about it today.
Like two of my best friends are Martin *duh*
and Paulina.
And then ive met a couple of really cool upper classmen
such as Sophomore: Roldando, trumpet player, kinda cute, really nice and funny(:
Senior: Marcos Pikalio player, going to collage, reeeaallly cute, taken but a flirt ;) lol
then theres Junior: Jesse going out with Paulina, my sisters ex, french horn player, drum major, and really great guy(:
these guys are really great, along with all my other friends,
During lunch, i think i have the most fun,
thats when i talk to Isaac and just relax.
i dont have to wear a fake smile for him,
i dont ahve to pretend to feel soemthing i dont,
its great(:
hes a good friendd.
but anyways so i mean although theres soo much on my plate, i still enjoy it.
Its life, ya know?
Project after project after project its crazy,
but in a way its a good kind of crazyy(:
Lucky for me,
my friends and i have made plans to hang out this fridayy :D
im so happy, i miss them so much !
and its like finally,
this weekends gonna be a good one,
in fact so far this week has been great,
nd for some reason, i think tomorrows gonna be really good.
just a feeling.
Maybe cause im seeing oscar, maybe cause im getting some hours done,
or maybe for reasons i should keep to myselff..
We'll see (:

What am i doing?- Brianna

2010-10-19T19:52:00.002-05:00

So today i found out that the day before we broke up,
martin tried to kiss Malenie.
Although it doesnt bother me now,
its like wtf?
you know? still sucks knowing that he wouldve cheated on me.
And so im asking myself right now,
What am i doing,
being best friends with my ex boyfriend,
Who almost cheated on me,
Hurt me a few to many times,
and that i still have feelings for?
Although these feelings arent big,
theyre there, and it sucks.
At times i just wanna grab his face and kiss him!
But i know its not worth even trying ever again with him.
So all i have to do is get over him, and move on.
Be friends,
correction,
Be best friends,
with no feelings towards each other,
and continue the school year.
i think that Thanksgiving break and Christmas break are gonna help me.
thats how i got over Jason.
Well i mean summer.
but still.
And i mean im giving myself props,
i think ive hidden my feelings pretty well.
i help him with his girl troubles,
ive gotten a new boyfriend,
and i try not to talk to him every single chance i get.
Ya know?
Oh well. Eventually ill be completely done with him as a boyfriend,
and hopefully thats soon.
"Having trouble to believe
I was ever on your mind
It's getting harder just to breathe
Cuz you left my heart on the battle lines
You played the game, you called the shots
To get what you want, but is not enough
So I come to you, with a broken heart
So before I go, gotta let you know

That you never did care enough about me anyway
So I guess it'd be best for both of us if I didn't stay
Well you never did care enough about me anyway
Left my heart on the floor now you know
Gotta go my own way I can't stay"

One of the many reasons im in love with Honor Society these guys are the best(:

My Wishlist -Nilsa

2010-10-14T20:27:00.001-05:00

Before I begin, let me just point out that I love my life.

The List
1. A mom who gets it
2. Love in "that" way
3. Money

Scare Fail FTW - Lauren

2010-10-13T23:19:00.000-05:00

Scare's dress rehearsal was tonight, it went swimmingly with few mishaps, and it was awesome, until Rico decided to put some flaming barrels around, which was OK till the flames went out, and a short little one was in the complete dark, with burning hot metal, where it was in an awesome trip spot. >< I sorta kinda tripped and burnt the crap out of my fingers, Montanna went and called EMS on me for a little burn though, i went down there and they did exactly what the people with the first aid kit were doing in the makeup trailer, with little packets of burn cream and everything. XD Faillll. Then they couldn't get the bandaid to stay, so they taped my first two fingers together and taped up my thumb. I feel like a gimp. ^_^;;

Jenny and her new BF Fitzy went through with my two free tickets to dress rehearsal, They don't seem very coupley (except that jenny dressed up a little and did her makeup.) like, he wasn't even the first person she asked to take with her, kristina, then some other dude whos name i always forget were first. lol. ^_^;; It just seems odd to me.
Had a good time though, except for burning myself. I must admit, typing this is really difficult one finger short, it's only through constant editing that it's readable at all. XD So I'll leave y'all with that for now and go to sleep. Three more days before I can sleep again!! Then we do it all over next week, and the one after that!

"Hes got the hots for you"- Brianna

2010-10-12T19:54:00.002-05:00

things like that,
make you feel soo good(:
knowing someones gonna ask you out,
makes you feel pretty,
getting asked out, makes you feel Beautiful(:
So no, i didnt get asked out.
Buuut.
According to two people,
David likes me.
Davids this guy whos kinda hot, has my same birthday,
and smells good.(:
we go to different schools,
that are far away,
so how do i know that?
he looks like the type that would smell good(:
so ive kinda sorta liked him since like a week before my...
correction OUR birthdays,
and since then weve talked alittle,
exchanged numbers, and texted a lott!! (:
hes even my good luck charm(:
so today, I found out he likes me right?
the ecact words?
" I haven't talked to David in like, almost a month. So, I dunno what's up with him, but he has the hots for you, so I'm sure he'd wanna come. :D ahahaha"
ahhh !!! gosh im pretty happy(:
but theeennnn..
Jacob texted me.
i brought up David,
and he asked me if i was cheating on him
wtf?!
when did we start going out?!!
ahaha
then theres Jesus whos supposed to ask me out,
but now if he does, imma say no.
hes waited to long,
and a real man never makes a lady wait(:
so there you have it.
my love break down of the dayy(:
haha !!
Okay so apperently me and jacob have been together since homecoming?
i dont think so, nice try though sweet heartt(:

So today- Brianna

2010-10-07T21:13:00.002-05:00

today was horrible.
i just wasnt in a good mood.
i started thinking about things.
and how weird school is without my friends.
so then i started missing them,
and for the first time since the last day of school,
i cried because of how much i missed them
like its so weird not having them with me everywhere i go!
like lunch?!
its not fun.
worl geolit?
not fun
Geometry?
not at all fun.
its just different without them
nd i reaaalllllyyy wish they came to my school, or i went to theirs,
either way,
i wish it was like it was last year.
dont get me wrong,
i like all my friends at my school,
but their not my best friends,
and they never will be.
i only have one close friend there,
and i feel like im slowly losing him.
and i know im sounding whinny and junk but
its just weird not having them around 24/7

Comfortable? - Lauren

2010-10-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

So... There's very little going on right now.
Lyn and her drama has nearly completely subsided.
Jim's behaving himself and being a good boyfriend to Ashley.
My friends are harmonious.
Shea's Hutto High Scare is over (she almost didn't get her TEA form for her drivers license, and if she hadn't gotten it her mom was going to transfer her) and ended well.
It's October, so SCARE is taking up every avaliable ounce of my energies. (October is the month when I don't sleep. XD)
Homework and Class Loads aren't great, but aren't too bad.
My Choir issues are slowly going away, Dr. Fish still yells at us all the freaking time, but it's better when you have people to talk to. :) Chamber is getting much better, I was sitting and writing something today, and Tiara dragged me back into the group cuz I wasn't supposed to sit alone. ;) Megan invited me to her house Tuesday to watch Glee with her and David, and possibly Chris, which I may or may not take her up on, because I'm pretty sure that for some reason David hates me, but Chris is awesome... So I dunno. >< But it was still really nice to be asked. :)
I miss my best friend a whole hell of a lot, but she is at least trying more to talk to me now, she's initiated a few conversations so I'm really hoping things get better from here on out...
Of course there are still my normal issues, mostly about my completely nonexistent romance life, and how I really wish it existed (and how I'm tired of people telling me that I'm wrong, and I don't want one. Maybe I don't need one, but... It'd be nice to be able to decide for myself. It'd be nice to even be asked. It'd be nice to know I'm not a complete failure as you have heard me rant about before....). But you know. It's... Not so bad. :)
Things are just... Comfortable.
And I'm OK with that.

i hate to say it...-Brianna

2010-10-03T09:47:00.002-05:00

but i told you so.
see,
it may seem like im just a jealous ex-girlfriend
but honestly?
im not.
im a best friend whos just looking out for you.
I TOLD YOU SO!!
thats all i have to say about it.
***************************
So yesterday i had marching band contest,
for the first time in 5 years...
we got a 2(:
and in two weeks,
were gonna get a one.
i know we are
im really excited about it.
We already made Manor history,
and this is only the first year.
i think from now, were gonna be getting ones(:
or at least starting next year.
******************************
a great song right now?
I Told You So- Carrie Underwood and Randy Travis
i love it.
i always have,
but right now more than ever.
******************************
"Would you say I told you so
Oh, I told you so
I told you someday you'd come crawling back and asking me to take you in
I told you so
But you had to go
Now I found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again"

Dude..- Brianna

2010-09-29T20:25:00.002-05:00

So, remember my
"New best friend"?
shes a little...
this whole time
everything that happened
ive been really nice to her
i tried to befriend her,
and for a while it was fine
everything was cool..
but it was thee biggest mistake ive made this year !!
She turned out to be so rude to me!
like im sure shes not usually a mean person
so why towards me does she act like that?!
is it cause i had what she wants?
or should i say WANTED?
i dont understand why she wont just go out with Martin
her excuse is so...
typical..
but i guess i shouldnt say anything bad about her..
on that topic..
for now lets talk about
Today in PE
me and martin like talked and joked around in that class today fer the first time
i took advantage of that,
like i made sure that we were laughing.
and it was just as friends
then my "best friend" came over
and they were flirting so i left
then like no more than 2 minutes later so walks back to playing volleyball
a bit later Martin calls me and is all
" i bet i can make this" and he shoots the basketball
more than half way across the court
he didnt make it but still it was funny
and we got a joke outta it.
then she glares at me, and rolls her eyes.
like im sorry hes one of my best friends.
im sorry were close.
but sweetie,
if you want him soo badly,
go out with him.
like shit,
you made us break up,
so you might as well claim yer little prize.
but whateverr you know?
its just something i gotta go through thatll make me a much better person(:
this just made me realize how much i miss my best friends.
the ones i usually tell everything too,
who dont judge me,
accept my mistakes,
know that im a bitch,
and still love me(:
my two best friends go to different schools than me,
and it sucks i havent seen then in about a month and a half and its driving me nuts!!
im so used to being like "ill tell you next period, since i cant talk now"
andbeing like "dude so and so in 4th period is suuch a bitch"
now its like
we text each other when we have time, or when something big happens.
i miss the way things were last year.
like i keep saying i miss the 8th graders,
but no, i miss my best friends.
thats what i hate about high school
yer best friends become people you know,
and although were still always there fer each other its just harder.
i miss them so muchh
like i didnt think i needed them this much
but now seeing what im really going through,
its like i need them more than ever.
i cant wait til next saturday
cause im hoping and praying to hang out with themm

Losing People-Claudia

2010-09-27T20:32:00.000-05:00

I haven't seen two of my best friends since school started. That's what, five weeks? Six? I get that we all have these completely separate, independent, new lives with new people and new interests. I totally understand how busy everyone probably is. But what I don't understand is this: I go to a magnet school, play soccer, have parties and classes and babysitting and clubs and church stuff to do, but it doesn't matter. I always make time for my friends, because that's what's important to me. And every time they wait til Saturday morning to tell me oops, sorry I have this thing to go to, I can't make it to the movies, or the drag, or the frozen yogurt place, I feel like I'm the only one fighting for us to stay friends. I know how hard it is to keep up your friendships from other schools, I have so been there before, but I thought maybe this would be different. I know it would be, if they would make some kind of effort to even just maybe call me once in a while or, hell, even send me an email, instead of me always starting the IM conversations and making the weekend plans I know they're going to ditch at the last minute.

Even being told they don't have time for me and to stop calling would be preferable to this unsure almost game. I could stop bothering them and get back to my life if they would just tell me where we stand. I'm so used to losing friends. It's become kind of a routine almost. Sure I have a few best friends I've had since forever, but it seems like everyone else has come and gone in exactly the same way. We become friends, they suddenly get other, cooler friends and straddle two groups for a while, then they completely ditch me. To put it lamely and cliche-ly, t's like I'm a rung on the social ladder, like oh, you have to step on Claudia to get to the next level up.

A couple of years ago it was this girl. It was one of those crazy fast friendships where you spend some time gossiping in math class, you show up at one party together, and you're suddenly best friends who sleep on each other's floors all weekend and show up on Monday with matching newly red hair.
She was seriously probably the best friend I ever had. Not because we shared diaries and told each other our deepest secrets and cried together, cause that shit ain't real bro, but because we were both a little crazy and we made each other crazier and we pushed each other to this point where when I was around her I was this insane version of myself that I've never seen before or since. We snuck out, we went skinny dipping, we walked on the railroad tracks and climbed trains, we stole parking lot signs, we listened to screamo, we set off fireworks, explored in the creek, dyed our hair, played spin the bottle, drank and wore eyeliner that dripped down our cheeks.

So in a way, when we just kind of fizzled out, I didn't just lose her, I lost me, too. At least, that insane me. And I miss that. It's amazing how many people I miss due to my own inability to let people know that I want them to stay. I guess that's why I'm trying so hard with my other friends, with this different high schools thing. We're making cupcake plans for Friday and maybe it will actually work out this time.

Meltdown... - Lauren

2010-09-26T23:05:00.001-05:00

I really don't feel like re-typing everything, so if you care... here's the huge meltdown I just had in chat form with courtney. >.>

courtney: (:how're you dahling?
me: >:(
9:41 PM I'm grumpy tired and frustrated. ><
9:42 PM Stupid homework I don't get that I can't turn in late, Stupid people making me feel bad for telling them I didn't approve of an idea, stupid weak-ness that means everytime i do any exercise all my muscles hurt
:(
courtney: ):
wanna talk about any of it?
9:45 PM me: Ugh... I dunno, I'm just frustrated and PMSing on top of it. I feel like I'm gonna cry......
Over nothing
courtney: ooh..):
well.
I'm here for yah, babe : )
me: :,)
9:46 PM I just don't wanna deal with any of this shit right now, I had a really long weekend and would very much like to sleep, but that's the one thing I don't get to do. >.>
courtney: aw ):
that's so sad.
I'm so sorry ):
9:47 PM me: Yeah... I hate this, it happens every couple of months. It'll alternate that my PMS is barely noticeable, to the next month it's a total bitch and I'm crying over everything and picking fights I don't mean to pick, and i hurt, and I'm always tired, and it just sucks........
9:48 PM I'm also just getting completely frustrated with being unable to do anything...
In a lot of different ways
9:50 PM I can't leave the house without begging someone else to take me or walking in the 90 degree weather, And I always feel bad making people go out of their way to get me for things...
9:52 PM I'm in personal fitness again because my credit didn't count before due to starting late, and it's completely kicking my ass and I get to completely fail at everything we do beause I just can't do it, and she gives me these awful looks because she thiniks I'm just giving up, but I really can't do it, and everyone else gets to watch me not be able to do it... and it sucks. And I always hurt now from it. my legs haven't stopped hurting in three weeks.
9:54 PM I can't freaking figure out how to do this homework, My english class is kicking my ass too, i think I'm failing right now. And it's not because my teacher is bad, it's just because I can't figure it out. I read these passages and just stared at them blankly. we're readings stuff in class and I just stare at it. I can't figure out how to write what we're writing, and it just... I just can't figure out what I'm doing.
courtney: ):
9:55 PM I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what you're doing, and physical fitness sucks balls.
most physical classes do.
but I mean,
you're just having a rough time.
I'm here for you(:
and I know how you feel, because that was my entire sophmore year.
I failed so badly.
I failed pretty much every class.
9:56 PM me: I guess this is going to sound bad, but I'm... not used to failing.
9:58 PM And especially in my AP Englsh class, the one thing I was always good at but now am always shown how much I am not good, they're always talking about college and what amazing college they're going to, and al the awesome AP classes and Scores on these super hard tests, and I just... I have to probably take a year off t get any money at all to even go to college, and I am more than likely going to ACC because it's all I can afford, Among most people I feel good about myself, and among these people I'm the bottom of the heap, scraping the barrel. I feel like crap and I don't know what to do about it...
9:59 PM courtney: well, I know how you feel.
but I mean,
you can get past failing.
10:00 PM you can pass your classes.
sure
it's kind of hard
but you can do it.
you're a smart person(:
and pass,
just to show those people
how smart you are(:
prove 'em all wrong!
10:01 PM me: It's not just that though.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life! Everyone seems to have these awesome plans... And I just hate thinking about it because I just don't know.
10:02 PM I don't want school to end
I don't want me entire life as I know it to be over
I don't want to spend a year doing nothing when everyone is going on to college
I don't want to have to change everything again
I hate bug life changes
I hate being uprooted and not knowing where I stand or what I'm doing
10:03 PM I don't want to do this
but again
no choice
10:04 PM courtney: but you'll figure it out(:
chase your passion.
what do you LOVE?
what are you good at? (:
you can do something with that!
10:05 PM me: The only thing I really love is singing and helping my friends, but you can't rely on music as a career and psychiatry requires many years of expensive schooling
courtney: yeah I hear that |:
I wanna be a criminologist.
but since that's a branch of psychology and sociology I'm gonna have to go for a minimum of like 8 years.
10:06 PM me: And I don't even have enough money to go to dinner.
I don't know how to do this
I completely feel like I've failed at my whole life
10:07 PM every little kid had all these hopes and dreams of what they wanted to do, and I didn't... I just sang and lived. I don't remember most of my childhood life because I didn't do anything. i was homeschooled and sat in my room for most of my life
10:09 PM And even choir is making me feel completely inferior. I know I can sing, but apperantly everyone else can sing better. I couldn't even make one solo in three years of the mediocre groups, let alone in one of the better groups. I made Chamber Choir which is awesome, but I really don't feel like a part of the group, or of acapella. I don't really talk to anyone, i just sit off to the side and then sing my part. I'm working on it, but choir was the only highlight a lot of the time, but that combined with the fact that I can't really stand our new choir teacher means i's not as great....
10:10 PM I love to sing, so much, but I can't get through a line without being yelled at and told how much we have to improve to be good.
10:12 PM courtney: ):
maybe...you're just a late bloomer.
everyone got their dreams early
you'll find yours (:
I promise you will.
and you haven't failed life, because if you did, you'd be dead, but you're not, because I won't let you because I love you too much to let anything bad happen ):
and if you need the money, you're probs gonna need a job, and make moneys D:
10:13 PM me: But I don't have a car or any way to reliably get to a job.
Thank you though....
It really does help. <3
I really could just use a hug right now. 10:14 PM But my best friend lives 8 hours away, and the closest friend who i think would come see me lives in hutto
10:15 PM courtney: ):
I'm going to
come to your house
a weekend
and give you
the biggest and bestest hug
EVER.
with sprinkles.
me: Haha, <3
10:16 PM But Somehow I'm so freaking busy.
I don't get to relax again till november.
Scare has my out every weekend
:(
10:17 PM courtney: : (
THEN I SHALL VISIT YOU
IN NOVEMBER.
and give you the biggest and bestest hug with sprinkles.
10:18 PM me: Hahaha. <3
I don't wanna wait till november. :(
Maybe you come to scare one day and I kidnaps you home with me
courtney: <3
maybe:)
that could works.
but doesn't your dad not like
spending the night?
10:19 PM I mean I could probs ask to be picked up that very day but I dunno o:
me: But he let jim stay the whole weekend at brandon's and I haven't asked in ages... Maybe he'll let me. hug
courtney: hmm maybe(:
<3
we'll have to see.
just be like
10:20 PM "dude. who wouldn't want god to grace our presence for a night?"
me: Haha. ^_^;;
That's another big issue, I am getting so seriously fed up with my family. They are driving me completely insane.
I cna't wait to be out of here, but I don't want to leave.
10:21 PM courtney: why don't you wanna leave?
I wanna leave so badly.
10:24 PM me: I just don't want to like... leave my house and everything that's happened here. I'm worried about living alone, I need a roommate, but I don't know who to ask because I get really fed up with a lot of my friends after a while. I couldn't live with shea, we couldn't do a week at her house, let alone living together. we both get too high strung. I was going to go with Montanna, we'd both talked about it when she was going to leave mike, but I seriously doubt that's happening, they seem to have reconciled at least not enough for her to leave him... Sam is going to live in Dallas to go to med school, and that's too far for me to move... I really don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone. :(
10:25 PM I feel alone a lot
even though I know I'm not
10:26 PM courtney: ):
see
I could handle being alone
I've been alone my entire life
but you can find someone I promise(: <3
10:28 PM me: there's also the issue where I've completely failed in the relationship department... I don't know what I did, but somehow I'm the girl who's one of the guys and doesn't ever date and no one is interested in, People keep making reasons why, but there are always reasons and excuses I don't know.... I must've done something wrong, but I don't know what, and I think it's too late to fix it.
10:29 PM courtney: never too late(:
I've always been that ugly chick.
but I mean.
10:30 PM I've changed I think.
I mean, I'm still not liked
but it's alright I sppose
*suppose
10:32 PM me: But you're not ugly! You're adorable. And at least you have been though, I mean... I don't even mean people don't always like me, as far as I know no one has ever liked me, and if they have they never did enough to say something to me about it. No one. Ever. I feel like there's something wrong with that. I like people, it happens, but nobody ever likes me back. Often they like my friends instead, which is the suck...
I dunno, I guess I really do feel like I'm just not good enough......
10:33 PM I don't even know for what, but i can't think of anything I've accomplished, anything I've really dont...
*done
I don't DO anythin...
courtney: but you are(:
trust me dear, my life has been liking people and them never liking me pack.
hell, I've even been played, pretty much.
then go out and have your own adventures(:
be yourself.
10:34 PM people should like you for YOU and not like you for someone you're not(:
10:37 PM me: I know that last part, I do... But i guess I feel like there's too much ME and no one wants to look far enough to learn that much about me. :( And hell... This is going to sounds really bad but I don't mean it to be, At least someone liked you enough to try to play you. The most interest anyone's ever shown in me was he agreed to go on one date with me because montanna told him he had to go, because he told her brother I was cool, and she'd been trying to hook me up. That, and our awesome but slightly pervy friend who loves to jokingly hold people's hands and make jokes about stuff, but is completely uninterested for real, and has told me that I am one of the guys.. =/
10:38 PM courtney: man.
I used to be one of the guys.
like
so hardcore
in like elementary school.
but I mean
you can grow out of it.
I'm not really "one of the guys"
10:39 PM but I'm not "one of the girls" either.
I'm kind of my own person.
but I dunno broski.
you'll find someone I promise(:
10:41 PM but y'know,
you have been liked.
sam liked you.
but I mean, you don't...roll that way.
but I mean, you can be liked.
(:
10:42 PM me: I honestly think sometimes that being homeschooled may've fucked part of me up. I was made to be very social and have people around me, and I sat in my room for a long time. I didn't do anything, I had very few friends. I've always said that I grew up too fast, I wasn't really a kid for that long, but... I think part of me grew up really slow. So the part of me that started liking boys didn't show up at all until a while ago, and by then I'd already messed something up.... I dunno... >>
10:44 PM and yeah, she says so, but I really think (and with my logical mind not my reactionary mind) that she really just knew I would always be there for her, she wanted someone she could always trust, in essence she wants someone like me. but... I don't think she likes me so much, just the fact that I never left her, when everyone else did. She only liked me after she's been broken a million times... I mean, I just think it was a reaction,i if that makes any sense
courtney: ):
well.
I don't see why people couldn't like you
you're absolutely adorable and amazing.
10:45 PM and if people can't see that they deserve to be spited.
me: And isn't it a little sad that the only person who's ever liked me is my female best friend? Just a little?
courtney: I grew up too fast, too, that's most likely why I'm so childish.
not really?
my friend kathryn liked/likes me a lot, I don't know if she still does.
I haven't been liked by a lot of people, I don't think.
10:46 PM that was in middle school where people just follow the leader.
me: but you didn't grow up with her calling eachother sisters. >.>
Yeah........
I dunno... <,<
courtney: no, but we are that close kind of.
I dunno brotato, but you'll find someone I promise<3
we both will.
just gotta wait for that one person that can handle you at your worst:)
so far there's only been...
three people that have done that.
but one's 23,
10:47 PM the other was afraid of being a "pedo"
and the other played me.
me: :)
that's sad.....
courtney: bahaha
yeah.
kind of.
(Skip some irrelevant rambling convo here)
courtney: I mean

I guess I'm kind of...

pretty ish?

I have a decent personallity

but I don't know why people legitimately like me.

me: I kinda feel the same.

courtney: mhm.

me: ><

Ugh

well

at least I've stopped like... Completely freaking out and crying now. >.>

courtney: ):

I'm here for you<3

me: thanks... i think my friends get tired of it sometimes. >.>

courtney: naaah

me: Well, just cuz you don't doesn't mean the rest don't. >.> I feel like most of us are just growing apart, I hardly see anyone anymore. >.>

courtney: aw... ):

yeah doesn't that feeling suck?

me: Yeah... a lot. considering I give up so much of my life to help them and shit, and they don't even care enough to try to stay friends

courtney: ):

hun you gotta take care of yourself sometimes.

me: I don't know how.....

courtney: ):

you'l llearn(:

if I can do it, you can too!

Sent at 11:03 PM on Monday

me: I suppose... I spent so much time helping others because it made me feel good to help, and it helped them, that I never learned how to take care of myself...

courtney: ...

man

we're so alike it's scary.

me: that... Doesn't make me as happy as it should. I don't like that anyone else has to feel what am. >.>

(So yeah... there's that. I'm going to sleep this off now and hope I have enough Energy to wake up tomorrow. :C )

Homecoming, or HOEcoming?-Brianna

2010-09-24T23:08:00.004-05:00

so tonight was homecoming
game was won EASILY
but it was boring.
so i just hung out with my friends.
it was cool cause i saw a lot of my old friends
like from decker,and even 6th grade !
but i dont know if tonight was an amazing night...
or a bad one
this guy who had been bugging me fer a kiss all week....
finally got it.
then he started getting reaalllyy touchy
so i left.
then i ran into my ex boyfriend.
youll never guess which one...
Jesus.
it was amazing seeing him again
and it was fun like we brought up old jokes and everything
then..
we started holding hands.
and getting closer.
then he kissed my check
then we got close nd closer
nd..
basically, we were acting like we were going out.
it was funny cause my friend Dylan asked if we were dating,
i said no
she said
Girl if you dont i will
then...
Aarons mom took me, sean, jacob and of course, Aaron home.
i cant finish the rest...
but my point is i made out with three guys in a matter of less than 5 hours !!
prob like 3-4 :/
like i feel reaallllyy stupid about it :/
lexi asked me what was going through my mind..
i replied "Honestly? 'i need to get over him'"
:/
i guess over all it was just a great HOEcoming night...

Geometry- Brianna

2010-09-23T16:20:00.002-05:00

what is with that class?
theres something about it
and i dont like it.
so first he tries to kiss me in that class
and today,
Martin called me Babe in that class
i think it was an accident
but still..
like i dunno..
in a way it was weird to hear it,
but on the other hand,
it felt good to hear it.
:/
im in this middle stage of
"over him" and "i still love him"
like i keep telling myself and everyone else
that im over him,
but when i think everything over
and everything weve been through
i start smiling.
and like when i read over some of the messages i still have from him
i smile and i still blush
cause even though they mean nothing now,
they did at one point.
they meant a shitload at one point.
but like i mean at least now i know that
we are just friends and i know thats all were ever gonna be
so now its just a matter of getting over him.
which is much much MUCH easier said than done.
Like.. its weird..
when i see his status' that are like
" yer amazing you make me happy"
i think about like he used to tell em that
nd now hes over there telling another girl
and it sucks but
i mean it makes it easier fer me to move on when i know
he already did..
so someday when i stop loving you,
ill look back and think about these days
where i would hate myself
for loving you.

"I'll move on baby, just like you
When the desert floods and the grass turns blue
When a sailing ship don't need her moon
It'll break my heart, but I'll get through
Someday when I stop loving you"

Operation Beautiful - Lauren

2010-09-20T23:48:00.001-05:00

So I was reading SixBillionSecrets, and someone linked to this website. Naturally curious, I followed the link and read up, watched the videos, looked at all the pictures, and was thouroughly disgusted by the things we as a society do to ourselves every day. We aspire to be so skinny we're sick and unable to bear children. We starve ourselves or make ourselves throw up because we're just too fat. We greet eachother, even in what was meant to be positive ways that reinforce the skinny standard. Betcha you never thought 'You look great! Have you lost weight?' would be bad. Well it infers you only look great because you're skinny.
Then there was the other part. While a portion of me was disgusted, the rest of me was inspired. so many people are trying their hardest to stop this. Operation Beautiful is simple. Write a note and leave it in a public place where someone can see it stating something positive (the best and most common example being simply 'you are Beautiful'. It can really help brighten someones day, from a simple smile while they wash their hands, to stopping someone from throwing up, to being that one thing someone needed to hear most in that moment. There is no downside. Three seconds and a post-it note and you can make someones day better. If you want include the link in the note so people can be as inspired as me. You can bet your ass there will be notes in all the bathrooms I can get to tomorrow.
You are beautiful!
<3
www.OperationBeautiful.com

The Life of Teens

Errr....?

Worst chocies- Brianna

Oh Manor... Brianna

Im bored- Brianna

Boundaries- Brianna

Simply cause i can- Brianna

Memories- Brianna

My Life... -Brianna

Movies.- Brianna

I'm really missing him today... -Brianna

Awww - Lauren

Summer of 2011- Brianna(:

I feel Weird... - Lauren

BEST ever :D - Lauren

My very last Spring Show - Lauren

Happy - Lauren

Im Setteling- brianna

Wow.

I am so happy(:- Brianna

I need a life- Brianna

So like-Brianna

Why?!-Brianna

Goddamn... - Lauren

What a Fucking Night. - Lauren

Borken- Brianna

LOLOLOL-Brianna

One week later- Brianna

Helll.... - Lauren

damn- Brianna

*sigh* - Lauren

The Dating Situation - Lauren

My brother... BAH - Lauren

Life after School... - Lauren

I. Hate. This.-Brianna

Aww - Lauren

Super Snow Day :D - Lauren

Glad to be back - Lauren

No Sleep- Brianna

Japaan much? -Haley

Okay So- Brianna

Oscar, Oh Oscar- Brianna(:

day 2- Brianna

My First Kiss... I feel like such a girl - Lauren

Im...-Brianna

Oy - My brother. >< - Lauren

Im pretty dissapointed-Brianna

Mhhh(: 2011-Brianna

F*** Everything... - Lauren

Catch Up Time - Haley

Just Awesome... - Lauren

Mhhh(: -Brianna

Readers - Lauren

Oh my goodness...-Briannas

Im so....- Brianna

... - Lauren

Sister and boys- Brianna

Disappointed - Lauren

Confused. :/ - Lauren

Dude- Brianna

Melancholy... Part Two - Lauren

Melancholy... Part One - Lauren

Soo- Brianna

Oh, My, Goodness. - Brianna

Conflicted... - Lauren

Catch up(:- Brianna

Im Dying- Brianna

Im Scarred- Brianna

Why cant you just be happy?- Brianna

Tipical Fishy- Brianna

Hit below the belt, metaphorically of course. - Lauren

I wish you cared... - Lauren

Mommy Knows Best- Brianna

(: - Brianna

Letterman-Brianna

Best friends- Brianna

Hate that i love you so-Brianne

Jesus- Brianna

Life as we know it - Lauren

Kids-Brianna

sigh - Lauren